HAPPY BLOGAVERSARY TO MEEEEE!

First things first: today is the first day of the rest of my life. It is also the first day of my cycle. And also the First Blogaversary of this here collection of IF shit. The coincidence of all three of these events smashing into each other today is unprecedentedly unfathomable. (OMG, to top this all off it is also the birthday of my bestest pal R, whose husband is the orator of the great quote which inspired my title. I am simply beside myself with this awesome twist of fate.)

Enough blab blabbing (though mind you, I've been doing that for a year, and you still come back for more), let's get on with the celebration, people!

AND HOW ARE WE GOING TO CELEBRATE?

You guys can all go out and get yourselves the biggest, fattest slice of dark chocolate cake with whipped cream icing (because if we were all together IRL for a party, that is definately the cake that I would serve to you all), but while you're out doing that, I'm going to be honouring you. Yes, YOU! (And you, and you, and you.) Because there is no way I would be who I am today without you.

Allow us to time travel for a moment. The date: June 12, 2006. The place: ummm... right here.

I wrote my first post (go ahead, reread, it's a quicky!), and received my first comment from Erin, who encouraged me to tell my whole story. And of course I've been following hers. I fond myself admiring her choice to persue adoption after struggling with PCOS and secondary infertility.

I told my IF tale to date, and was offered support from so many of you immediately: Nico, Krista, Heather, Lut, Chicagogirl, Angie, Electriclady, Beth- all of whom are either currently pregnant or have given birth in the past year. And also- Sunnie and GZ who I miss terribly.

I felt like an imposter, but you guys encouraged me to stay. Of course I found that I was not alone, and that I was not crazy, and that I wasn't the only one who hated my body, the medical system, and other people's pregnant bellies. You held my hand through the agozing wait until my first appointment with my RE (and second opinions) which was approximately nine 2WWs!

The agonizing wait led me to do lots of rersearch, and meet lots of you. I found IF comes in many shapes, sizes, ages, factors, uterii, and unexplainable things. I also learned how coo-coo Clomid is. Thank you to Thalia, Manuela, Meg, 'Nilla, Mary Ellen, Jennie, and Jenny.

Then came The C's first semen analysis. Oh, the hilarity of IF was just begining!! But you guys stuck with me. You told me how you went about this process: alone, together, at home, with porn. It was amazing to me that there was a whole group of you out there who were going through the same things as me, when no one in the Real World would talk about it.

Speaking of Real World... I am mistaken. I DID find one wonderful friend who understood it all too well. Over lunch in Toronto one day Shlomit and I confided in each other. I encouraged her to read my blog, and she decided to start her own space to write about her journey. Shlomit, I can't say enough how having you by my side has helped me in the past year. It is amazing to me how I have found my wa to you in the times in my life when I have needed a friend who understands.

Let me talk about a few other women who get where I am coming from in terms of my IF: the PCOS clan. Ornery, Robber Barren and Erin were the first that I discovered. I learned that PCOS came in many guises but the frustration is all the same. And then came Flygirl and Rachel, Canadians, just like me! Oh and Becky and Heather... AND THEN came my monumental post: FUCK YOU PCOS! And as luck would have it, a whole slew of you came pouring into my midst. I met Karen, Elizabeth, Baby Blues, Sharah, Ann, Tipsymarie, K, and Samantha. Whew! Now for anyone out there googling overweight, facial hair, hair loss, big zits, irregular cycles, annovulation, insulin resistance, and infertility: go on- have a field day! These women will tell you all you need to know.

Are there enough hyper links in this post yet? No? You want more? Okee dokke, you got it!

Let's talk about 2 girls who I have the most possibility of meeting one day. Both live in Toronto, and both are incredibly wonderful. I met Reality early on, and have always felt like she and I would be friends if we met IRL. Even through her toughest times (and this past year has dealt her more than her fair share, and then too much more), she has been here. And then I met Sara, who is compassionate as well as spunky, and always says the sweetest things.

There are also women I admire for their blog style. Bea and Ellen: I am always in awe of how wonderfully you write. Then there is Amy- I have never met anyone so open about her IF. Her strenghth and courage are trly inspiring to me. And finally, Gaelen- no one animates IF the way that you do!

And the women whose journeys keep me coming back to check on them: Ellie, S, Adrienne, May, Lunar Dreams, Cathleen, and Christina. Thank you for also coming by to check on me.

This post would not be complete without celebrating Mel. To me, she is the mother to all of us hopeful mothers. Her blog provided me with a safe place to go whether I'm looking for technical (yet layman-like) information, a shoulder to cry on, or a barrel of giggles.

Here's to all of you who I have met in the past year. I wish that we didn't have this common journey that joined us together, but I am ever so thankful that you are here. I want to send a special shout out to you who have conceived and/or given birth in this past year (there are 24 of you!)- you tryly keep my hope alive. It CAN happen. To those who haven't made it there yet, I wish that your journey takes you to a place where you find peace.

Thanks again, to all you fine folks. You have given me what no one else can.

PLIMBO

The white peach sangria: SO NOT worth it. After all this anticipation- IT WAN'T EVEN PEACH. I know- the disappointment that you guys must be feeling too!! I would much rather have been pregnant yesterday. More on that later.

Today is CD15. I don't know what possessed me (I am not into wasting money on HPTs) but we tested again this morning. It is confirmed. I am officially in PLIMBO (period limbo): the time between knowing it's a no-go and AF arriving. You have to forgive me, I can't for the life of me remeber who coined the term (if you know, please tell me so that I can give credit where credit is due.) I have stopped my progesterone and am simply waiting. So that, my friends is THAT.

So. The party. Friends of my parents (who are our age) showed up with their nearly-five-month old son. I hadn't met him until yesterday. He was so preciously delicious and well behaved. The parents were not at the party five minutes when I was handed the baby with a "you look like you want to hold him". (Did I really look like I wanted to hold him? I don't know?!! But there I was with baby in my arms.) And once I had him I did not want to let go. It was such an amazing feeling. Of course everyone at the party was having a field day with me walking around with the baby. Countless comments ensued: "It looks like it's time for you guys"; "You look so natural"; "I think you need to have one of your own"; and etcetera. I nodded politely and gave cute little smiles in response, but mostly wanted to scream: "Fuck you!" to them all.

But hell no, I was not letting go. Until I found my husband and handed Sir Delicious over to him. Man, was that a sight to behold. The baby got fidgety so The C handed the baby over to his mother (The C's mother, not the baby's mother.) The woman was in heaven! Bouncing the baby, talking to him in Portuguese, smiling and laughing. She was having a ball. And my heart was breaking.

Finally last night when we got into bed I shared with The C how wonderful it was to see his mother with the baby. (I had actually never seen her with a baby in all these years!) I have always had a small worry in the back of my mind about how it would "work" with my inlaws when The C and I had children. They don't speak much English, and I don't speak much Portuguese, so I was worried about how our children would have a relationship with them (if my husband did not make a conscious effort to teach them his language). Let me tell you that after seeing my mother-in-law with the baby yesterday, all those fears are gone. I know she is a wonderful grandmother (to The C's neices), but I am certain that even though there may be a laguage barrier between us, she will be fantastc with our babies.

I mentioned in Saturday's post that I hadn't cried yet. Last night the tears finally fell. Talking to The C about all this was jsut so heartbreaking. Each cycle is our loss, and it is really hard to deal with. But yesterday after seeing his mother (and then later my mother) with the baby I felt so sad that I am depriving them of that opportunity with our children. It just made me cry and cry. It's really so unfair.

WAITING FOR AF

Well I did gone go do it.

My husband's family is descending today (we will be 8 people in our small one bathroomed house), and the big bash that we are throwing for my father is tomorrow (hence the arrival of in-laws and such). I wanted to be "prepared". I just needed to know before I had no control over the rest of my weekend.

So I went to the drugstore last night to purchase some (rip-off) paraphernalia so that I could give my body the equivalent of its SATs. (You know, the big test that will decide your future...)

I woke up at 5:15 rarin' to pee. And my FMU did not let me down- strong and bold it poured over the stick. The stick that within seconds taunted me with only one line. I sighed, flushed, and got back into bed. The C did not even stir once. I tossed, I turned, I got back out of bed and headed here. So you guys know about this first. (Well maybe not, the man should be out of bed any moment, and he will be faced with the evidence when he walks into the bathroom.)

I haven't cried. And I don't know why. My emotions continue to confuse me at every point of this journey. It really all so bizarre. I have spent most of this 2WW cranky as cranky can be. I've been waiting for someone to say something to me (along the lines of: Ms. C, you are being such a biotch, what the fuck is with you), but no one has. Though I am definately feeling a sense of immense loss, a sense of lightness has come over me.

Last night the winds picked up and it thunderstormed all night. This morning the sky is clear and the sun is starting to come into my office as I type this.

Who knows what the future will bring...
(I'm guessing boatloads of white peach sangria for a start.)

2WW FILLER

8 Random Things About Me

I know that you have all been waiting anxiously for me to do this meme- I KNOW! And I am so sorry to keep you waiting for so long. I was just waiting for the right time. You know, with all the other exciting things going on around here, it's so hard to get time in for a meme. So without further ado...

1. I am a total neat freak and control freak, but for some reason my office desk is always a complete mess. Papers, bills, receipts, 2 phones, project folders, a zillion different lists... If anyone touches anything it drives me nuts, because although it's out of contol I still somehow know where to find everything.

2. I have a Bachelor of Fine.Arts and a Mater of Archi.tecture. My work uses skills that I gathered from both these fields, but is not something that you would imagine someone with these degrees doing as her "job".

3. Bad grammar drives me bonkers. Especially on professionally made materials (signs, menus, etc..) (I am aware that I am very guilty of it here. VERY aware. Which contributes to the problem. You know the old saying- the things that bother you the most about other people are the ones that you can't resolve within yourself. This is certainly a superficial interpretation of that saying...) Things that bug me the most: their, there and they're used incorrectly; its and it's- egad!; and the worst: using 's when it does not denote a posessive- that gives me shivers like when someone scratched their nails on a blackbord.

4. I went to an all girls pirvate high school. And I LOVED it.

5. The C and I met because we lived on the same floor in our university residence. One night we were drunk and he followed me back to my room. The rest is (pretty much) history.

6. The first place that I ever travelled to outside of North America was China. I went on a school trip when I was 16 (ummm... if this surprises you, see #4). It was an amazing adventure. Prior to that trip I had traveled to Toronto, Eastern Quebec and New Brunswick, California, and Florida.

7. I am fourth generation North American. My father's mother's mother was born in Nashville. She was supposedly a real "Southern Belle". All of my grandparents were born in North America (3 in Canada and 1 in the US), with their parents having come here in their childhood. This is really remarkable considering my Jewish heritage. Most Jews did not come to Canada and the US until the a generation later. As a result, it is also notable that I didn't have any family that was lost in the Holo.caust (baruch hashem). Another interesting fact: The C is Canadian by naturalization- he was born in Portugal and only came here when he was 15. Our children (halavai) will be 5th generation on my side, and first generation on his.

8. I love shoes. Especially black flats. Oy vey. I also love purses. You can never outgrow either of these things...
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2WW update: NOTHING to report. No symptoms whatsoever. Perhaps I will be enjoying that white peach sagria come Sunday...

TO THE GOOGLER

If you are the person in New York who googled "If everything is normal why wouldn't I get pregnant right away":

It brought tears to my eyes just to see that in my stats. I'm so so sorry you ended up here. God, I hope that this is your only brush with infertility, darling. But just in case, you should know you have a wonderful support group right here. I wish you all the best.

IUIUIUI

This cycle was full of funny moments, let's review a few...

On CD11 when I went in for my u/s the nurse asked if I was starting to feel full and heavy. Indeed, I was, but The C piped in that it was probably because I had gas. I couldn't help but giggle, it is possible that I had gas (I will not lie), but I was certainly feeling the growth of the follies. The nurse looked my dear husband sqaure in the eyes and said with a straight face, "The C, you know that's an entirely different system, don't you?!" And I, feet in the air, head tilted back, was not able to hold back my reaction of "Oh THAT'S what we're doing wrong!"

On CD14 we stepped into the nurse's office so that she could prepare my hCG injection. I was to administer it at 9pm, so I turned to The C and commented that we would have to nix our date downtown (and go somewhere closer to home), because I like to do the hCG at home (it hurts alot for me, I like to be able to relax afterwards.) The nurse remarked that indeed it would be akward to lift my shirt, swab my belly and inject while sitting at the table. I pointed out that it just wouldn't be fair- The C would be left out of the process (he likes to "help" when I do my injections.) So the nurse offered to give us a spare sterile cup so that The C could be part of the fun and "do his business" at the table, while I do mine. We walked out of the clinic that morning thinking "did she really just say that??!!"

After our IUI* was complete, the nurse popped in a 10 minute video for us to watch, and told us she would be back in 20 minutes. A mere minute after the video ended The C started to get very antsy. He couldn't sit still, and wanted to get the show on the road already. (I was bare from the waist down, and again, pretty much hanging upside down.) After another minute he proclaimed that they must have forgotten about us (my clininc has two exam rooms, so this is an impossibility), and in true guy fashion he started to fantacize about ways to "break us out of there". (YES, I was quick to point out that we weren't locked in the room!) So The C starts talking about how he will make a condom bomb filled with various items in the room in order to blast the wall open. (He didn't seem so concerned that I was lying the half naked with my legs in the air...) THEN he says: "It will be like in that movie... what's it called..." (At which time I offer up names of movies where the characters "break out" of places: James Bond? Mission Impossible? And then I am given more info to work with: "You kow, the movie with the hot 80's guy?" Me: "Oh! Bruce Willis! You mean Die Hard!") (And I am lying there thinking- I just had an IUI- are we really talking about this right now??!!) So, The C continues: "Yes!! It will be like in Die Hard where that big black guy [...pauses to think of name...] G.ene H.ackman...." It is at this point that I completely lose it! I start laughing so hysterically the entire building must have shaken. I was loud, and I couldn't stop myself.

Finally, finally when I stopped laughing I said: "You mean S.amuel L. Ja.ckson, don't you?" And then the nurse arrived, our 20 minutes was up. (Boy did we get looks when we walked into the reception area...)


* As for the IUI itself, it went fine. The "new" doctor (a guy I think that they are training because I believe our doctor has a serious ailment-in that he can't talk-so he is looking to find a partner) did the IUI. I had met him before, and felt comfortable with him, but the procedure itself took longer (he couldn't get the catheter in), and so I was more uncomfortable. The C's swimmers looked great like last time (again we got to look at them under the microscope- so cool!). Everything seemed pretty textbook. There's only 12 more days until we know...

MEL'S BAITED BREATH, AND SOME OTHER STUFF

Really, Mel, I can't get the image of your "baited breath" out of my head. I keep picturing your mouth wide open with a bunch of worms hanging out, and a jolly fisherman dressed in a million-pocketed fishing vest and T.illy hat reaching in for the one that will catch dinner. And I as I write this, I can only imagine the stench of said bait. Ew, I know. It's my fault for mentioning it in the first place.

Apparently, though, at least one person is anxiously waiting for a cycle update. And I, the very thoughtful blogger, am thrilled to oblige.

Yesterday's wanding showed 4 dominant follicles in the 16-19mm range. So yay, I was sent home with my hCG shot. The nurse proclaimed the cycle "picture perfect", and I dang well hope that it continues to be. IUI is tomorrow morning. Of course, I am not the ball of nerves that I was last time. I am now "experienced"- more experienced than I ever wanted to be, unfortunately. But this is what life is dealing to me, and I will take it one step at a time.

One beef I do have is the terrible timing of my "beta days". (I put that in quotes because thus far my clinic has not used betas to determine if I am pregnant or not. I am usually sent off with a "call us if you get a positive HPT, or when your cycle starts".) So ya. Let's review my track record thus far:

• Inj cycle 2: completely unremarkable (let's throw this cycle out, I am trying to make a point here!)
• Inj cycle 1: December 23 (and the day we set out to visit/celebrate Christmas with The C's family).
• Inj cycle 3/IUI: 14dpo is the day before Mother's Day. (If AF wouldn't have arrived early I most certainly would have tested on "that" day.)
• Inj 4/IUI (current cycle): 14 dpo is the day of the big bash we are throwing for my dad's 60th birthday. We are talking about a BIG party. With lots of people (people who will invariably ask when we are going to have kids.) One where it will not be appropriate to sit and cry. You get the picture. (Saving grace: we are preparing an awesome white peach sangria.)
  

WHY does this happen to me?? It's actually pretty bizarre. I'm not asking for pity or anything, I'm just raising this very weird point. It's not enough to have my soul crushed after each cycle, but it has to coincide with some significant exterior event.

**********************************************************************

An IRL friend who reads from time to time mentioned to me that my last post was "dry". I pointed out that it was probably because I didn't swear even once. Not one fuck, shit, or even a screw that or an oh man. I also realized how technical it was, with a great lack of personality. As someone who has known me for more than half my life, I can see how she would have found it "not me". She does realize, of course, that this is a place primarily about my IF treatment. But in hearing her comment (which I am certainly not upset about, I actually find her observation interesting), I realized that perhaps I show very little of "who I am" other than how I am in relation to my IF.

Here's a small glimpse: Anyone who spends more than a few minutes talking to me realizes that my verbiage is very, um, colourful. And my voice is loud. And my arms fly with lots of expression. And that's just when I am asking if someone wants to join me for a coffee. You should see me when I am passionate about something! My father often inquires why I am talking so angrily, when in fact it is just obscenely loud. On innumerable occasions friends have been mortified when they realize an entire section of a restaurant where we are sitting is hushed and is listening to the sex advice (or some other inappropriate topic) that I am talking about freely.

But like I said, this is what you will realize within minutes of becoming my acquaintance. Anything else you want to know?? Just ask! (And allow me to fill my 2ww.)

LONG TIME, NO SEE

Eeek! It's been so long. I was away in San Francisco over our long weekend, and didn'y have time to update before I left. But here I am!

There's alot to talk about, but I'm pressed for time so I will focus on two items.

Item 1: All of you.
I can't thank you enough for your wonderful words at the end of my previous cycle. I know I've said it before, but positive reinforcement never hurts, so here goes: I really don't know how I would get through this voyage of IF without you. Every single one of you. I am so happy that I have found this community. You gals and guys really rock. You understand, you get it, and best of all, you know just what to say. It continues to amaze me that I have you on my "team". Thank you, thank you. Without you I think that the end of last cycle could have been tons worse. Your spirit and your words helped me move forward alot faster than I thought I would be able to.

Which brings me to Item 2: This cycle.
Imagine my surprise when my message that I left on the clinic's voice mail was returned with a "come in for a CD3 appointment". (In the past the RE has consistently recommended a cycle off with BCPs.) My u/s revealed a small cyst, but we got the go ahead to proceed with another cycle! Talk about getting up, brushing the dirt of my knees and getting right back on the horse. I was shocked, relieved and excited.

Our protocol is much the same as with our 4 previous inj cycles, with an increase in my Pur.egon dosage. This time: 5mg Fem.ara CD3-7, 60IU Pur.egon starting on CD5. (That's up from 40IU last cycle.) Oh, and as I expressed my concern about AF coming 3 days early we will probably do a progesterone supplement (in pill form- any info on that would be appreciated!) post IUI. The best part- my doctor okayed me to cycle even though I was heading out of town. (I know, not the best option, but we were all pretty confident about how my responds.)

Today is CD12. Yesterday's wanding showed 6 follies around the 13mm mark. We are on the right track. As with our other cycles, everything is moving according to plan.

And now, presenting a preview of topics for future posts: 1-Questions and Answers with my RE and Nurse; 2-The interst that my mother has finally taken in our IF since she has found out that Ih ave been sharing everything with my aunt; and 3-Some tags (hey, I will soon be 2 week waiting so I need to fill my up my time!)

I know, you'll all be refreshing with baited breath.

THANKS FOR ALL THE SUPPORT, BUT

Apparently my period decided to come 12dpo. Ewy-goowy red flow. (How's that for an image? Gross, I know. That's just about how I'm feeling.)

There are so many thoughts running through my mind right now.

I keep reliving that moment yesterday when I wiped and saw the first signs on the toilet paper. My breath catching in the back of my throat, having to make a conscious effort to exhale. The spotting was pretty much the last thing I thought I would see when I sat down to pee. I just can't get it out of my head.

How could I have had so much hope? Hope could I have been so naive to think that this would really work this time? I was feeling so positive. Man, nothing was going to get me down! Ha! Joke's on me.

At least I don't have the POAS dilema tomorrow. But I also have let go of that dream that I will actually find out that I am going to be a mother on Mother's Day. Again: big fucking joke.

Worst of all, I keep thinking that I used up all my hope and positiveness on this cycle. And if it didn't work this time, how is it ever going to work? Look, I know this was only my first IUI, but even so, it's so hard thinking of moving forward to another cycle.

It's just... well... I feel like I have lost such a huge investment. (Never mind the money, I'm talking emotioanlly here.) And I am just going to turn around tomorrow and invest again.

Of course I will go on, there is no question. At this point I don't see us stopping until we have a child in our arms.

Your words of support, encouragement, and explanation mean the world to me. I am so lucky to have you, my friends in the computer, whom I have never met but understand me like no one else.

FRIG - I THINK.

I went to the toilet before my 5pm client was set to arrive. What did I find when I wiped? You got it- a little teeny bit of light pink on the paper.

I don't know what to make of this.

(Really I DO, I think that I am just deluding myself for a few more hours.)

Because it's only 11dpo. On my 2 previous medicated cycles my period has come bang on 14dpo. In pretty much full force. None of this spotting shit.

(Though when I bring on my period with BCPs this is always how my period starts. And of course at those times I want it to come faster, but it starts in spits and dribbles.)

This can't be over at 11dpo! It can't! Can it?

I have been having abdominal "feelings" that past 3 days. And they do not resemble the ones that signal the onset of flow. (Those I get just a couple hours before my period starts, and do not feel like I have been feeling.) They have been different. Perhaps they have been fucking with me.

What if it is over? Why 11dpo? Do I have some sorta LP issue?

What if it isn't over? Then what is going on here?

Really. Who am I fooling?

9 DPO - UPDATED

And nothing much to report. I am quite chillaxed. But if I were to report something the list would look like this:

• Boobs sore on and off. (Has happened in the past 2 inj cycles- either from ovulation or fron hCG shot, I am certain.)
• Some mild type of sensation in uterine area. (Ummm... could be gas?)
• Large under-the-skin painful zit emerging on right side of chin. Have not had a zit like this for about 3 months (since I have consitently been either on BCP or having my body pumped with horemones in order to O.) But lo! It appears that zits are not an EPS, but a sign of impending AF!!
• Insane nosebleeds first thing in the morning for the past two days. (Allergies...)

You SEE? There really is nothing of note.

But it doesn't mean I'm letting hope fly out the window. I'm still doing pretty fine. I have tons of work to keep me busy, which is a god-send at this point. I can't believe how I have plowed through my projects in the past 2 weeks. My clients are loving me because what is usually a 2 week delay has become about 4 to 5 days. MUST-KEEP-MIND-AND-BODY-BUSY.

It has not escaped me that Mother's Day is 13dpo. I usually POAS on 13dpo (because if a cycle is a bust I 99% get AF on 14dpo, and I don't like red, bloody surprises.)

The positive side of Mother's Day in my family is that the only mothers that we celebrate are my mother and my grandmother. We don't have any "young" mothers around here: my divorced brother's kids are away with their mother (and they are older anyways-not in the category of "children who upset me"), and all my cousins are more than 10 years younger than I am.

The truth is that I don't know what to do about POAS this time. If it's not positive I don't want to ruin everyone's day by being all sulky and nasty. I can't even imagine what it will be like if it's positive.

I truly want to thank all you lovlies for your comments and support through this cycle. I don't know what I would do without you.

UPDATE: Thank you, people! I am an avid fan of avoiding Dr. Google. Guess what I just spent the last little while researching? Yup: nosebleeds. I never knew!

IUI REPORT

This is my busiest time of year. I have clients hounding me left right and centre for their finished work. I work alone, so I have no one to delegate to. Couple that with my back that I wrenched last week which resulted in 3 days of incapacitaton, and an upcoming jaunt to San Francisco for my cousin's Bar Mitzvah in 2 weeks, and I feel like I'm a little up shit creek without a paddle.

Right, so that's why it's taken me so long to post about Monday's IUI.

Everything really went swimingly- once we got there.

The C dropped me off because there was no immediate parking. 20 minutes later he STILL hadn't found parking (therefore we were late for our appointment). I stood in the lobby with tears streaming down my face- like I wasn't stressed enough already! On what would be his last circle around the area I saw himm, jumped in the car and commanded him to urn the corner and park illegally- we have already spent countless thousands, we could deal with a $42.00 parking ticket.

By the time we got up to the clinic my freakout had ended and my eyes were alomst dry. (My brain was working irrationally- we can't even park properly- no wonder we can't get pregnant!) The nurse led us to "the room" (maybe someday I will describe the man's room at this clinic, it always makes me laugh) and we got right down to business. This was the easiest experience we have had so far with the cup (thank god, because we were late). The C said he was really turned on because he was thinking how this sperm would be the one to make a baby. Not soft music and wine on a romantic night, but close enough!

We headed to Star.bucks for an hour (and reparked the car.) When we returned the sperm was ready. First we had our lesson with the embryologist as she showed us the sperm under a microscope before it was washed, as well as after. The difference is unbelievable. She told us that The C had a very high volume of semen, so when concentrated we had as many as 200 million sperm to inseminate with.

Off we went to a "secret chamber" (a room behind the regular u/s room that I didn't even know existed) to prepare for the IUI. Overall the procedure was quick and painless (except for the speculum- UGH!) and the nurse talked us through the entire procedure (remember that my doctor doesn't have a voice!). The C was really interested in what was going on (hey this could be our conception story) and at one point he got up and had a look at my cervix. I was pretty relaxed, and felt good. I lay on the table for 20 minutes after the IUI, and then got dressed and went home.

That's it that's all. It was exciting, and now that it's done I know it's certainly nothing to be nervous about. I think the nerves come mostly from not being able to know the outcome for another 2 weeks.

Today is 4 dpo (if the day of insemination is day 0-correct me if I'm wrong, please!), so of course I have no sympotoms. Just the usual sore nipples that are come packaged with my hCG shot. Really, there is no reason to think that this IUI won't work- 2 follilces, lots of sperm, cosmic alignement... unless there is something else wrong with us. For now I'm choosing to remain positive.

TODAY'S THE DAY

I know I'm not the first one of us to have an IUI, but this is a first for me. So I'm a bit nervous. And also terribly excited.

I mean: what if this is IT? WHAT IF.

I can hear you all now. "Oh, that Ms. C! She's so naive!" But, really, I can't help but wonder. And of course I think of the bloggers who I read who actually did conceive with their first IUI. (Thanks for the hope, gals!) So for today I shall be innocent. (Get back to me in two weeks!)

The C should be home any moment to pick me up so that we can go to do "his thing". Then we wait an hour, and it's my turn. I should be home by 10.30. (It's interesting- from most of my reading it seems that the men go and give their sample alone. The C always wants me to be with him. I don't mind, I actually think it's pretty amusing.)

Of course after all my worrying about my father, The C asking for the time was really no big deal. We had already told my parents about our IF (prior to The C needing to take time for our first round of doctors appointments), and it seemed that they understood somewhat wheat was going on, and what could transpire in the future. I even sent them link on the internet to read up on IF and procedures. I guess much didn't sink in, for when The C said, "We are going to the doctor for insemination on Monday, I will need a few hours off in the morning," my father's response was, "why can't you just do it at night at home?" (He thankfully omitted the end of the phrase "like everyone else does".) The C started to explain how we needed the embyologist (at my clinic it is the embryologist who does all the sperm-work), as well as the doctor and the nurse, and that of course, we have to work around their schedule, and not vice versa. I think it was at the word "embryologist" that my father sorta waved his hand and said, "take the time you need, if thats what needs to be done."

It's like they want to know and they don't want to know at the same time. Like they get it, but also they don't get it. I'm probably not alone in having parents who react like this. But it's hard to really garner support when this is what we are dealing with.

Alright! Here is The C hanging over my shoulder. I'm off. Perhaps I will update later, but I won't be telling you anything that the vast majority of you don't already know.

OK, CAN'T COME UP WITH ANYTHING NEGATIVE

I sorta promised you a post cleansing all my negative thoughts. But that was over a week ago. Seeing as I'm really trying to focus on the positive, I have think that I have let those thoughts flee my mind.

Those of you who know me in real life are saying to yourselves "who is this chick and what have you done with the real Ms. C?!" I assure you it's me. I am here. I'm just trying to have a better outlook on this all. I know it's easier to have this frame of mind while actively cycling. Check back on me next time this week when I will be beginning my two week wait. (Then we'll see how macho I am about this positivity shit...)

So let's talk about good stuff...

First on the agenda: Me! Yesterday's CD11 appointment showed 4 lurvley follies ranging from 11-15 mm. No matter what my dosage of Pur.egon is, it really seems that slow and steady wins the race with me. This cycle I am on 40 IU (5 clicks), and it appears that the follies are growing at the same rate as when I did 20 IU (2 clicks!) my first cycle. I'm not complaining, all is fine as long as I see growth.

I am a tad anxious about the IUI. There are three things that are causing my anxiety. First: fear of the unknown. This is the first time that we are doing an IUI (even though this is our third injectables cycle). Thanks to you guys I know what to expect in terms of the procedure, but I don't know how I'm going to feel (physically and emotionally.) Second is that once again it is The C's "busy season" at work. (The busy season comes around twice a year and lasts for 2 months or so each time. You may recall this issue when I was discussing it in relation to our first RE appointment that fell in October's bus season.) The point: The C will have to take time off work to produce his sample, and, as I want him there when we are doing the IUI, he wll have to return to the clinic a bit later. Other than it is almost physically imposible to have time off work at this time of year, the person who he has to ask time off from is my father. Who tends to freak when anyone takes time off at this time of year. And third: Compounding this issue is that, of course (because of my slow ovaries), we don't know what day the IUI will be.

Despite these anxieties, I am trying to not let this get me down. Focus on the positive: We will have a baby.

Oh wait! I was first on the agenda! Which means that there must be other things my Good Stuff Agenda for April 27, 2007. Yes! Yes! My blogroll.

When I started blogging I had one list of blogs that I read, and few were of pregnant women, and none had given birth. It is amazing to me that over the past 11 months how many names I have had to move to my other categories. Today let's celebrate Karen, Watson and Lut who I have made the migration to On Their Way. I am so thrilled for you ladies. When I read about your positives my tears of joy came out to play. I felt like couldn't be happier than if they were my own positives. Also moving are Jenny and Flygirl who have their little girls at home with them. I can't believe how time flies. Seeing them overcome their IF and deliver their babies definately keeps my hope alive. My heart just swells when I click over to their sites.

I don't think this post would be complete without me mentioning my friend Shlomit. She wrote this week about not knowing how she will be able to move to life beyond the news of her last negative test. I have no wise words to you, Shlomit, other to tell you that I think of you often and wish you comfort and peace as you move forward.

And of course: positive thoughts to the rest of you. Because, the way I'm looking at it, thinking positively certainly can't hurt.

ROUND THREE

Ding, ding, ding.

Cycle day three details: nice lining, ovaries (though PCO) look good.

Plan: 5mg Fem.ara days 3-7; 40IU Pur.egon starting day 5; IUI when good and ready.

There is so much other stuff that I have floating in my mind, but haven't had the time and patience to sit and talk (umm, type) about it. I watched The Secret the other day and I am trying hard to attract positiveness towards me so that I can have positive outcomes with the events in my life. The "stuff" I wanted to write about is mostly negative shit (duh!). On the one hand I want to get it out, on the other hand I don't want the negative thoughts to negatively affect me. You know what I mean?

But knowing me I won't be able to resist. Perhaps I will indulge you (and me) with one last negative thoughts. Like a cleanse. Stay tuned...

And while we're focusing on the positive: run over to Jenny's place to have a look at who she brought home, and keep checking in on Fly who is either in active labour as I write, or already holding her Smudgette. Congrats to both of you wonderful, strong women!

OH... THE PILL

I am no stranger to "The Pill".

My first oxymoronic encounter with this wonder drug was when I was 16 or so. I had an evident "hormone inbalance" that was obviously not going to resolve itself as I progressed through puberty. I was intially presented with a 2-pill cocktail that would regulate all the inbalances, and when these drugs were no longer available (I don't know why, and there was no internet search back then!) I was handed my first package of birth control. Both these prescriptions played wonderfully with my hormones allowing my periods to come regularly with reduced flow, and stopping the hair from growing on my face (the residue of which was removed by very painful first generation electrolysis.) Of course there was the added bonus: BIRTH CONTROL. Ha! Not so necessary for this virginal 16 year old. Oh how amusing it is for me to think of my mother marching into the pharmacy to pick up my birth control persription for me!

Ahhhhh... but then I turned twenty, and the sex was a plenty! Thank goodness for the pill, I said! Talk about killing two birds with one stone! I was in college, living the life, and still had my mother sending me my birth control in the mail. Let's not beat around the bush, I was thankful for my perscription in more ways than one! At last I was able to use the drug for its intended function- with the added bonus of lighter, predicatable periods and perfect skin.

As I reached my decade anniversary of use of the pill, the initial reason for its prescription was but a gray smudge in my history. I had long stopped thinking as my body as abnormal, and couldn't image my life without the pill. My time of heavy, unbearable periods and sidelong glances from strangers at my "sideburns" were ancient history. For all intents and purposes, I forgot that it was doing something in my body other than preventing pregnancy.

Preventing pregnancy with a pill! What a fucking hoot! But I digress.

Enter The C, and marriage, and my last package of pills. For years we discussed having children, and while The C was ready from the day we met, I seemed to be always waiting for the "right time". Alas, I discovered there was never going to be a perfect time, and we might as well get on with it. I made the arbitrary decision to finish my current stash of birth control (which my mother still seemed to procure for me for free from the nurse at the gyn's office. YES! This nurse!), and that would end one period in my life and thus the commencement of another.

After almost half my life on the pill, I was pill free. For 15 months I was without.

And then I encountered the oxymoronic use of the pill for the second time in my life. For use while I was activly trying to get pregnant. I fucking hate taking the pill this time around. There is no status associated with it here. Each new pack of pills I pop open again signifies to me that my body is abnormal. It reminds me that I have just had another failed cycle. It emphasizes the shittyness of not being able to do two medicated cycles in a row. It points out to me that I only have 6 chances for pregnancy a year. I'm not even sure that hate is a stong enough word...

Last night I took my last BCP for this upcoming cycle. CD1 should be next Monday. I can't even tell you how much I hope I don't have to open another package of those suckers for at least 15 months.

RE: MY PREVIOUS POST

Thank you guys for your outpooring of support. I know I say it all the time but here I go again: I don't know what I would do without you. This is an amazing community, and I am so fortunate to have found friendship in all of you.

The frustration that was overwhelming me at the beginning of this week was unreal. Blogging about the dissappointment and the impatience really helped me move forward- I got all the negativity out, and am now looking ahead to the next cycle. My recap of my life-as-an-IF-to-date also served to bring some lurkers out of the woodwork. To Ann and Carrie: Nice to meet you. (And to the rest of you: Go visit Ann and Carrie!)

BUT. (There has to be a but, doesn't there? I can't just end this post on a light "I love my community" note, can I?) In your comments alot of you raised some ideas and issues that I want to talk about. Reading your thoughts about my clinic made me stop and wonder if I am aggressive enough with my clinic. And if I wanted to be more aggressive how would I do it without starting to cry while on the phone (I'm often a blubbering baby when I am in an emotinal situation where I have to be assertive. Remember the Great Records Fiasco of 2006?)

So: I want to address a number of points you guys made, give you my perspective, and then I ask that you please share with me how you would have handled the situation.

Problem One: My doctor takes too many vacations.
Ya. That's what I'm thinking at the moment. He took off 2 weeks at Christmas, and now 2 weeks for March Break. It DOESN'T seem like the right thing to do given the line of work that he is in. And I'm certain that his taking vacation probably pissed off at least 2/3 of his clientele. I understand completely about the need for vacations from work-especially for someone who works 14 hours a day, 7 days a week. I understand also that my doctor may have needed a rest period becasue he has been suffering from his own medical problems (that whole he can't speak thing.) So go ahead, doctor, take your time off- but your people should have given me the correct information concerning your time off.

What will I do about Problem One?
- Next time I am at the clinic I will be certain to inquire about other upcoming vacations. I'm sure there will be some time off taken in the summer. It is important that I know about it. (Heck! I can plan my own vacation to coincide!)
- I will tell the nurse and the doctor that I was unhappy that I did not receive all the information (especially seeing as if I had known I could have planned accordingly- my god, I was off by one day!)

Problem Two: I should just change clinics!
I have a love-hate relationship with my clinic. Actually, it's mostly love. When looking for an RE (and the best clinic for us), my research yielded the information that there are 4 clinics in the Mont.real area. One was out of the question (at a hospital, very impersonal service, had heard personal unsatisfactory accounts of treatment there, far from my house, dreadful to find parking there). Another seemed out of the question aswell (primarily French speaking-a big concern for us, far from my house, big size). So we had narrowed it down to two, and went to interview both. We decided for our clinic for the following reasons: it is very close to our house, and The C's work, we loved the atmosphere, we loved the receptionist and nurse, it was very personal (they knew our names from the moment we stepped in the door), we would be dealing with only one doctor and nurse (not doctors on a rotational basis), the doctor preformed all the u/s and procedures himself. In short-we felt really comfortable letting these guys handle the conception of our child. (The clinic that we decided against had much of the same negative points as the other two we nixed.) What I guess we weren't aware of is how a clinic with only one RE ceased to function if the RE took a vacation. I believe that we were under the impression that an alternate doctor would be brought in at these times. This is the SINGLE "hate" aspect of this love-hate relationship. To me, although this issue is huge, it does not outweigh the great things about the clinic enough to make me want to bid them adieu.

What will I do about Problem Two?
- I am going to stay put. We already looked around at our other options and don't think this is a deal-breaker given all the things that we like about the clinic.
- I will raise the fact that I was under the impression that a replacement would be availble during holiday times so that it would not affect our cycling.
- I will reiterate that I am upset that I had missed a cycle due to mis-information, and that this is unacceptable as it could have been avoided.

Problem Three: I should have a CD4 baseline u/s.
Yes! That's what I was hoping... When I called on CD1 (Friday), it was THEN that I was informed that the docotr would only be back at work on my CD4 (Monday). The receptionist told me that it was a possibility that he would see me then for the baseline, and that I should just hold tight and they would let me know on Monday when he was back at work. On Monday when I spoke with the receptionist I was told that she was sorry (as an IF herself, she really understands the disappointment,) but the doctor absolutely positively wants to start my treatment on CD3, not 4. (My protocol is that I start Fem.ara on CD3, so while yes, a baseline can be done on CD4, my treatment has to start on CD3! Of course I can't start treatment without first ahving a look at the ol' overies...) I had some hope over the weekend that I would have been able to start on CD4, as I remember that in my first treatment cycle the doctor did that. I know that when my last cycle failed we discussed about making some small changes, and I guess that's why the doctor was adamant about starting on CD3.
(Just a side note: it was CD6 when I wrote the previous entry, so a CD4 baseline was certainly out of the question by the time this was published!!)

What can I do about Problem Three?
- Ummm... nothing? The doctor made his decision, what can I do?
- Ok-I can do something: ask him why he had to absolutely positively start on CD3. Why couldn't he at least have me come in to see what was up down there, and then make his decision on the treatment? (My insurance covers all my u/s, and medicare covers the visit, so I wouldn't have minded spending the extra mooney for nothing...)

There we have it: my problems that I want to solve, and my proposed ways to address them. (God, I hope I didn't bore you to tears.) Do you guys have any suggestions? Any tips on how to stay calm cool and collected when sticking up for yourself? As always, your input is so greatly appreciated (and desired! and needed!)

Enough rambling! It's Saturday morning and there's work to be done!

IMPATIENCE IS NO FUCKING VIRTUE

Clever title, eh? Can you tell that I'm in a good mood this week?

I know you're asking, "Ms. C, why are you so impatient?"

Well, folks, it seems that I am not able to conceive. It appears that we know why, and that we have known why for a long, long time (so long, in fact that when that I knew my diagnosis eons before it would even occur to find out if would have any effect on bearing children.) It also appears that I can't seem to get anywhere with my treatment.

A fine recipe for impatience and a whole lot of other yucky feelings.

Let's recap for a moment, shall we...

Rewind 20 years to the first time I got my period. A icky afair that did not reappear for 6 months (a blessing, I thought, at the time).

The appearance of facial hair coupled with irregular cycles produces a diagnosis of "imbalanced hormones" at the age of 16 or so. I am put on "hormones", and later on the pill. When my mother found some info on PCOS, and the doctors poo-poo it. (Hi! Correct self-diagnosis at your service.)

Fast forward a number of years... I meet The C, we date, we have lots of sex, and I am very careless with taking the pill. No pregnancy- no worries! after being together for 8 years we decide it's baby time, and off the pill I go.

3 months: no period. Call gyn, take pro.vera. Still no natural period. Repeat.

Does my gyn send me immediately to RE becasue she is well aware of my history since I'm 16? Noooooo. Let's first play with clo.mid. Oh what fun.

After 2 rounds of scary-mother-fucker-bitch drug I am handed the number to the RE where I am told that the first available appointment is in 7 months. Patience is starting to wane.

15 months into TTC we finally meet with our RE, who laughs (not literally) at the fact that the gyn even attempted to do anything with clo.mid. I waited for this day for so so long, and yet my patience is tested once more as I am told that we have to wait an entire cycle until we can begin treatment. Oh ya, and my PCOS is confirmed. 16 fucking years later.

Our first cycle of Fem.ara and Pure.gon produce some lovely follies. We are sent home to screw, with a negative result. But lo! It's Christmas, and my RE needs a vacation. So patient I must be as I sit out the next cycle.

Deja vu ensues as we are prescibed the same treatment for our second round. Yes, with the homegrown sex. Have patience, says The C, what if we can make a baby naturally? With patience tried, we know now that we can't. And so we move on...

What's this? The RE needs to take another vacation? I must be patient and wait for the next cycle? Ok... I'll be a good girl and time my BCPs to coincide with the RE's return.

Which brings us to this week. When AF arrives I giddily call the clinic to scedule my CD3 appointment. What am I told? The doctor will not be back in the office until my CD4. NO ONE FUCKING TOLD ME HE WOULD BE AWAY FOR 2 WEEKS. It would have been nice to know seeing as I can time my cycles very easily with the BCPs.

What can I say? I have like 1% patience left. The last 20 months have looked like the following: wait, wait, wait, treatment that won't work, wait, treatment that doesn't work, wait, treatment that husband begs me to give another try (but I know won't work), wait, wait.

I know I'm not alone here, but today I'm feeling like I just can't take it anymore. I have many assets, however patience seems to have slipped off the list.

Fucking fuck fuck.

BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN

Or something like that.

I'm home from my Vegas vacation. It was warm and somewhat relaxing, and a good break from the everyday. It was great to get home to sleep in my own bed. I am in love with my bed and usually don't sleep well when I am away.

I have nothing much in the form of words to tell you. The C and I had fun using our new digital camera, so I thought I would post some photos instead of blabbing. Below you will find our faces, so you couple of lurkers from Montreal might recognize us. Which is fine... but it would be nice to meet you as well.

Without further ado: Ms. C and The C's adventure in Vegas...

That's me. I'm way too excited while eating breakfast our first morning. And I don't know what the story is with my two top teeth in this picture-they don't stick out from my lip like that!

Now here's The C enjoying a flight of Cab-Sauv. He's a wine snob. But I still love him. Because he told me that one of the wines smelled like raw sewage. He has such a way with words.

A little bit of Hoover.Dam action.

And then some driving and walking through the Valley of Fire:

A trip to Vegas is never complete without a visit to the buffet at Wy.nn. Delicious and beautiful.

Mmm mmm-that's some good gouda!

I am also a triffle obsessed with the design motifs at Wy.nn. Who designed this joint? I want to work with them.

We did a bit of shopping too, but the photos of that are not much fun. Neither are the rest taht I'm showing you. I really don't look like that picture of me. Or maybe I do, and I always thought I looked a little less weird than that.

Back to IF next time my pretties.

OFF FOR A BIT

Vacation. Yay. To Vegas. And we purchased a new digicam yesterday, so I can show you pictures when I return.

Today is CD5, and my third day of BCPs. I called my clinic dutifully on CD1 prepared to beg them to let me cycle even though I would miss 2 monitoring appointments. I was informed that I couldn't cycle due to my doctor's vacation next week. I guess it all works out as I'm certain that they wouldn't have let me cycle without being monitored. But if I wasn't going away and I had to delay my cycle because my doctor was, and I wasn't given any prior warning I would have been pissed to high holy hell. (I suppose this is the single downfall of a tiny clinic, but I was under the impression that there would be a replacement if the doctor took time off.)

The plan: BCPs for 2 weeks to bring on the noise. Seeing as my business starts 7-8 days following my last pill we are looking at CD1 March 26. Which if yields the desired result would have a due date of December 31. Oh ya, and I was told that I will be able to progress to IUI without any argument. Hallelujah.

Until then... much booze and debauchery is to be had in the next 5 days in Vegas.

I wish you all a great week and lookforward to cheking in with you on my return.

GOOD OL' FASHIONED SHABBOS DINNER

A few weeks ago I attended the aufruf of a friend of the family who is getting married in 2 weeks. I am not an avid Shul goer, especially since we left behind the most amazing congregation when we moved to Montreal. But as the only representatvie from my family (my parents were away, my husband had to work, my brother was fetching his kids for their weekend visit) I felt obligated. (More obligated than I feel on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippurp-those are times I go to Shul for myself, not because I am someone invited me to attend with them.) You can imagine that I was less than thrilled (I don't know this shul, there won't be anyone I can sit with, no one to pass me candies when boredom strikes....), but I donned my skirt, heels and smile and went.

Revelation of my lifetime: I enjoyed the service.

And it wouldn't bother me to return. In fact, it was a wonderful introspective way to spend 4 hours of a Saturday morning smack dab in the midst of my 2ww. I didn't have anyone to giggle with. I don't wear a watch so I wasn't constantly checking the time. I followed the service, reading along in Hebrew. I was engrossed in the Rabbi's sermon. And to my surprise, found much pleasure in the entire experience.

Towards the end I was remembering the wonderful Shabbat dinners that The C and I (and Shlomit!!) used to share in our miniature apartment in Toronto. The we would head off for Services and have a wonderful night together. I thought about how much I miss those times because, although The C and I are not very observant Jews, this was the moment in our week where everything else ceased to be important. What was significant was that we were together, as a family (which included Shlomit), and later at services, as part of a community.

I left Shul vowing to make Shabbat important in our lives again. (Important for us. Everyone's definition is different.) I would find my candlesticks that are still in their box from our move two years ago. I would make the trek to the bakery for some delicious challah. (Mel and Sarah, your industriousness inspires me, one day maybe you can teach me to make my own challah.) And I would recreate our old-time dinner (minus Shlomit, but perhaps plus some other family members.) I felt good and I was excited.

My mother beat me to the punch and instead invited us to her house for Shabbat dinner tonight. (Homemade chicken soup and all-I just can't wait!) Since my idea of me making Shabbat willhave to be put off for another two weeks (we will be in Vegas next week), I thought I would share with you:

Ms. C's Old Fashioned Shabbos ('cuz that's how the family from the Old Country pronounce it) Dinner.

Menu
Grilled Salmon (recipe to follow)
Raosted Asparagus
Roasted Sweet Potatoes
Red Wine (because you can't bench over white wine, right Shlomit!)
Ice Cream and Fruit
And something chocolate for good measure

Teriyaki Salmon
6 salmon fillets
2 tbsp teriyaki sauce
1 tbsp lemon juice
1 tbsp brown sugar or honey
1 tsp minced ginger
1 clove garlic
1/2 tsp dijon mustard

Mix all ingredients together in a small bowl and then pour over salmon to marinate. Sometimes I marinate for 30 minutes becasue that's all I have. Sometimes I am organized and marinate overnight.

The salmon is best grilled on the bbq (our favorite method), but can also be cooked in the microwave (8-9 minutes on high, flipping pieces halfway through), or in the oven in a pyrex (Bake at 400F for about 10 minutes).

Serve salmon with asparagus (we toss it with olive oil, salt, pepper and a fresh herb and throw it on the bbq, but it can also be steamed or roasted in the oven), and melt-in-your-mouth sweet potatoes (done in the microwave or in the oven).

Sit with friends and family and enjoy.

Shabbat Shalom to everyone.

(What? You weren't actaully expecting something traditional from me, were you??!!)

(And at the risk of making you fall off your chair by not once mentioning IF in a post, allow me to say this: I can't wait for the day that The C and I can have our dinner with our children.)

OH WELL

First sign of spotting was Monday night.

I'm still spotting this morning-my flow has graced me with full flow yet. Period limbo, alright.

I'm not that upset, fortunately. I had already come to terms with this outcome and was looking ahead to the next cycle. Which who knows when I will get to start*.

Because we're going to Vegas on Monday! Woo hoo!

I suppose there-in lies my silver lining. All the frozen alcoholized pink lemonade slushies my heart desires will be mine! ALL MINE. From dawn til the wee hours of the night! Watch out bartentder at the MGM/NY NY walkway entrance bar - HERE I COME!

I know! I know! What a fucking awesome perk! All you girls out there who are pregnant must be so jealous! Ok, maybe I am a little more upset than I am letting on.


*I have to wait for full flow to call my clinic to announce my return. And they will be so thrilled to see me! But... if I'm away for 5 days I wonder if they will let me cycle without being monitored. I'd really only be missing 2 monitoring days, and I pretty much know how my body responds to the pathetically low dose of Pur.egon I pump into it. However, regardless of my vacation, they may make me do 2 week stint of BCPs just to let my wonderful ovaries rest for a few weeks. Which would bring my next cycle's start to the end of March.

HALF WAY THERE

First order of business: Mazel Tov to Beth and Himself on the birth of Leah Catherine. If you don't want to cry, then I warn you: do not click.

Today marks 8DPO.

Other than the sore boobs (on which we have a concensous that their cause is ovulation) I have nothing in the vicinity of symptoms to report. Oh, andI'm exhausted (but let's attribute that to not sleeping!)

Un-e-vent-ful. Yes siree bob.

I wish this cycle would hurry up and end so that I can start my BCPs and prepare for the next one. Yes. I am completely positive that this time is a no-go. I'm not being a pessimist-just a realist. There is no way anything would want to grow in me with the mood I have been in and behaviour I have exhibited over the past week and a half. It's ok, I understand. So let's just hurry up and get on with it, already.

In other news there is no other news. It's Friday and I have yet to have a baby-related encounter, so it seems that I have broken that spell. Phew!! Though I have to say that the baby-related project that I am working on for last weeks's client is cuter than cute. One day I hope to make something like it for my newborn. One day... One day...

Tonight my neices (ages 8 and 10) are coming to sleep over and hang out all day tomorrow. I'm excited- they are so delicious, and will be a fun distraction. I love playing games with them, and they love to tell jokes and make up riddles. They always keep me laughing. I'm glad they're "old"; They were born at a time when the idea of children used to make The C and I laugh so hard that beer came out our noses.

Hey! I don't want to be a downer so I'm trying to think of things to post about while I wait out the rest of this 2ww. I'm taking suggestions for posts. I never did the weird thing about me tag-anyone interested in hearing about that? Or Mel's 2007 tag- something that I promised I would do in my previous 2ww. Which was in December! Wow! I can't believe it's almost March- where does the time go? That was rhetorical-you don't have to answer that. What you are assigned to do is propose some topics of blogging to me. So get on it!

(End of February, eh? buh-bye 2007 baby hopes.)

ALL AND SUNDRY

Or something like that.

I don't have much in the area of spectacularity to add to the blogging world these days. Yhis post will take the form of mini-topics as that's all I that I have to say.

Topic 1: Why my RE can't talk
In short: I don't know why. We were told at our first appointment in October (that's 4 months ago) that he had laryngitis. Which he apparently has yet to recover from. I think that there's obviously something more wrong. I have a number of feelings on this matter. First, as frustrating as it is for me not to have immediate feedback from him (I have to get the nurse in the room if I want to get any meaty info), it must be 1000 times more frustrating for him. Next, he is a wonderful doctor providing wonderful results for so many of his patients, yet he can't seem to fix what is wrong within himself. Finally, while sometimes I wish I were able to have more discussions with him directly, I found the one time that we had another docotr sit in on my ultrasound completely unnerving because he kept talking. I have become used to my efficient, silent wandings, and think that I like them. Life's funny that way: I adjusted to something I had no control of...

Topic 2: Yes, LutC, apparently I am capable of having more than one meltdown per cycle
Lut commented on my last post saying that I was doing pretty well if I freaked out only once per cycle. On suturday night I successfully upped that number to two. And I mean major freak-o-rama ville. Something completely unIF-related (asking my husband what setting he changed on my computer, and having him not give me a satisfactory answer,) became strictly about how fucked up and inadequate I am. I know! That's a big leap! But I was able the make a connection! Yelling, screaming, sobbing and hyperventalating ensued. And as usual, The C did not exactly know the right way to comfort me. I know if makes him sad to see me like this, but he doesn't always know how to help.

Topic 3: Hey! Great idea!
Maybe in some post in the near future I will invite you to give feedback on what we wish our partners would say and do when we are in such a state. But then again... I don't know... do any of you have perfect husbands who always know the right thing to say?

Topic 4: Fridays are baby days
This will be hard to do without revealing my line of work but I will give it a shot. (If I reveal my line of work anyone will be within steps of finding out my identity. Which of course I don't mind you guys knowing, but I would't want my clients to stuble here...) My industry is special events, and I deal mostly with weddings. The other day I got a call from a woman (referred to me by my aunt) who was looking for something baby-related. I didn't refuse the job becasue 1-this woman knows my aunt, and that was nice of my aunt to send her my way; and 2-I'm self-employed, so I take all the work I can get because I never know when the next job is coming. The clincher- she wanted me to come to her (my clients always come to me) because she didn't want to take her baby out. Which I understand, of course. So there I went into a baby-environment for the second Friday in a row. Granted, there was only one baby, and she was very premature (she's only 5.5lbs at 5 weeks), so I had great empathy and admiration for the mother, but still... how I wish that baby was mine!

Topic 5: The problem with sleep
I haven't been able to sleep for days (maybe verging on weeks.) I don't know why. My back is alwys hurting, I'm never comfortable, always too hot or too cold, The C to close or too far. So I lie awake and think, or have very light dreams that seem so close to being real. And I'm tired everyday.

Topic 5: 5DPO
Amidst my fit the other night it occurred to me that there is no way tha this cycle is going to work. What baby would want to grow in this pathetic environment anyways? (I know-enough of the slef-pity already!) So I'm pretty convinced on that front. Except that my nipples are hurting. But, of course, they hurt last cycle too. I am convinced that prior to starting injectibles I have never ovulated in my life. So maybe if I was normal my boobs hurting like this would be considered a PMS symptom. Can someone shed some light on this for me?

And in conclusion: Happy Monday to you all.

CD15 AND ALL IS WELL

... I guess.

I triggered this morning at 10:10. Two juicy follicles are present on my left side: 18mm and 18.5mm. Lining at 8.5mm. So all is well.

This cycle was pretty uneventful. I thought the increase in Fem.ara and Pur.egon would speed up the process, but I am only triggering one day ahead of last cycle. Ovulation is to occur tomorow night (or thereabouts). A CD16 O is not too shabby for an annovulatory chick, I suppose. I tell you: I can't wait to O, becasue, MAN, I can FEEL the follicles on my left side! It's amazing and uncomfortable all rolled up in one!

While the cycle was uneventful physically, emotionally I seemed to have brought out the big guns. I was pretty upset about Friday's visit to the babycafe, and I suffered the whole weekend long. My angst was brought to a head on Sunday night when I freaked out about the bullshit of IF, the shittiness of what PCO.S does to my body and the emotional effects that both are having on me. I sobbed for about three hours. I don't want to get back into it here, it's just too depressing. I just know that you guys "understand". It occured to me that once every medicated cycle I have a major freak out. Hormones, stress, pressure, hope, fear? I don't know. But it ain't pretty.

Et maintenant, la two week wait ce commence. Must plan stuff to keep myself busy. Anyone have any suggestions?

HITTING ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS

The past while I feel like I've been handling other peoples' baby stuff pretty well. Much better than I was in July and August when I got a torrent of pregnancy announcements. Recently those pregnancies have produced, umm, babies (thank God for healthy babies), and I am actually feeling ok.

Maybe it's because I haven't met any of the babies, maybe because I'm cycling right now, maybe it's because I have grown as a person (though I wouldn't put too much weight on that one.)

In all this okay-ness, yesterday I experienced a relapse.

My wonderful friend gave birth last week to her second little girl. My friend claims she has everything she needs-enough blankies, enough rattles, and cetainly enough pink onesies that the little one will grow out of faster than we can blink. (She was going batty with the all the gifts from her first baby, and had so much stuff that she never even used. Now she's got her chance, but people like to buy gifts, and she's still getting more!) So yes, I could have run into The G.ap and picked up the cutest little newborn extravagant gift possible, but I knew this would not cut it in the category of thoughtful baby gift from best friend. So instead I decided to order a pair of these. Man they are so delish. And certainly not something that can be handed down from baby's older sister. (If you need a gift, go to it. Support the commerce in my community!)

This product is made by a woman working at home. I thought the process would be simple. Email lady the baby's name, run over to her house to pick up shoes. Um. No. She preferred I picked up my merchandise at a local cafe that just opened. A cafe dedicated to mothers and babies. Star.bucks meets Gym.boree, meets Nail Salon, meets Yoga Studio, meets Natur.al Baby Pro.duct Boutique. All very modern, all very cool. Pretty much the type of place I would choose to hang out in, ummm, should I have the appropriate, er, accessory.

I took a deep breath and opened the door (and helped a woman with her stroller). It was first thing in the morning, so mercifully there were only 2 babies present. I enquired about my product, and was told that the woman who runs the boutique would not be in for another half an hour. Now, I DO NOT KNOW WHAT COMPELLED ME TO DO THIS, but I parked my butt on a chic leather sofa and decided to wait. I suppose in the same way one can't avert one's eyes when passing a car crash.

Throughout my half hour wait women arrived with their children. Pregnant women arrived with their babies. (Yes! Women who have obvioulsy been blessed twice in the time that I have been trying for one!) The owner told me all about their services and programs. Little ones toddled up to me and giggled. It was wonderful to see all this in a coffeshop, but it was tearing me up inside. It was some kind of cruel joke asking me to step into this place. I was just about at the point of letting the tears flow when the woman I had been waiting for walked through the door.

The rest of the day was a disaster for me. I couldn't work, I couldn't function. Just when I thought I was getting somewhere, a tons of bricks fell out of the sky and landed on my chest. It is so not ok that other people keep having babies and that I can't.

STIRRING THE POT A BIT TOO MUCH

Oy, did I open a can of worms with that last post!

My darling husband reads this blog. As a matter of fact I encourage him to, and he enjoys doing so. He tells me that often my writing here gives him insight into how I am feeling when I am unable to verbalize in conversation. I have found in the past that it has really helped when I don't know how to broach a topic with him. He'll read my posts and say "wow, I didn't realize you felt that way, let's talk a bit about that."

Well, I did not anticipate the reaction I received from The C when he read my plea for IUI, and all your comments on the matter. Rather than him turning to me and saying "Oh honey, now I totally get why you want to do the IUI," and have hearts and roses fall from the sky into my lap, he turned to me and said: "You are so off the mark."

Holy support, batman. Thanks, partner in life, this is totally what I was expecting from you.

Though he refuted all the arguments that I gave in the post, and basically laughed at the support you guys gave me*, when we talked (ahem, argued, cried, etc...) more about the issue I was able to distill that The C believes the following:

-That it is highly likely that we will conceive on our own, if we just give it enough chances
-That he thinks that conceiving in stirrups is wildly unromantic
-That his sperm count is not low at 20 million (like a D- is still a pass on a test)
-That he thinks that my argument that doing IUI this time because it will increase our chances of conception is "flaky" (yes he used the word flaky) at best
-That he thinks that I handle doing my injections pretty well as it doesn't seem to faze me

Now, typing all this makes my husband seem like an asshole with a cherry on top. Hence all the anger in our conversation. Once we calmed down and revisited the issue, I realized that what he really felt was the following:

-That he is not quite ready to give up on a natural conception, but he knows that he has to face the music on this
-That should we move to IUI he will be right there beside me, and he will still be present at our baby's conception
-That he knows how difficult it is for me to shoot up and have my vaj probed
-That his sperm count is normal, because 20 million is still normal (umm, see that one hasn't changed...)

And plus two other big things:

-That he is so very concerned about how I will react should we have another negative cycle. He thinks that if we try naturally I will be less devestated by the outcome than if we invest our all in IUI. This struck me as incredibly sensitive. I think that by him saying that he was worried how I would feel he was also telling me he was worried about how he would feel.

-That The C, who never talks about "plans", and likes to fly by the seat of his pants (ie: why discuss what to make for dinner... let's just wait till we are standing in front of the stove and genius strikes!) actually had a plan in mind when we started this cycle. His plan: one more natural kick at the can (yes that's what all the cool kids call it) before we move on. Plans are great. I just wish he had chosen to discuss the plan he had for us before we embarked on the cycle. When I poked around the question of why on earth he didn't share this plan with me sooner if he felt this way, I was met with a "because you always do what you want anyways." Low blow, but also mostly true.

So. I am not going to do what I want to do. Someone else in this relationship also had a plan. And I'm thankful that he shared it with me so that we could do what works best in a relationship: compromise.

I am hoping beyond hope that we conceive a baby in our bedroom in a moment of extreme passion. And that we don't have to fall back on my plan.





*Please, please, please, with sugar on top do not let this ever discourage you from commenting and being honest with me. This is MY blog, and I need you guys.

ONWARDS AND UPWARDS

Or hopefully onwards and outwards. (As in my belly. And not because I eat too much ice cream.)

Not much to report in the corner of the world occupied by Ms. C and The C. We have started our next cycle. (And by we, I mean we. Because that half tablet of Clomid that The C eats nightly is proving to have no side effects.) So far I have injested 4 days of 5mg of Fe.mara, and have shot up 2 doses of 25IU of Pur.egon.

Not much of a change from last cycle, just a bit of upping of the doses. Last cycle saw 2.5 mg of Fe.mara for 5 days, and 20IU of Pur.egon for 10 days. Then I triggered on CD16.

To make a long story short, TWBD was pleased as punch with my response to the meds last cycle, but is upping the dosage in order to attempt to shorten the cycle. I am satisfied with this.

When I pushed to see whether or not he would recommend IUI this time round, he told us (told being used very losely as this man still does not speak!) that he doesn't see why we would necessarily need to do it, he thinks that we can do it on our own. When pressed further, the nurse told us that if that's what we really want then of course they would not deny us an IUI. In order to not seem too contrary I asked if we can revisit this around the time of trigger, and the nurse and doctor assured me that yes, we can decide then.

The only thing with this IUI/no IUI thing is that I am getting some opposition from The C. Because the doctor says so, my wonderful husband does not see any reason that we should not try naturally (ie: sex) again this cycle. Look, I understand that most couples do not get pregnant their first cycle trying, so I can forgive the fact that we didn't get pregnant last cycle, and I am trying very hard to not blame it on the fact that we just had sex the old fashioned way after all the effort we went to get me to produce follicles and then to ovulate.

BUT. There are a few issues.

The first is that we are not a normal couple trying to conceive normally and naturally. Oh no, we are pretty much well beyond that! Add that to the fact that it is really tough on me taking all these drugs (as someone who is not ordinarily one who takes medication of any sort). And the fact that the meds do funky shit to my body. And that they cost a boatload of cash. And to the time that it takes to go in for all the monitoring appointments. I am by no means an avid economist, but I do understand the notion of return on investment. I am devoting so much financially, emotionally and physically in this project, that I can't help but want to put in that little extra bit in the end (the IUI) to give us the best chances.

I know the bulk of you agree. We have all been through or are going through this. But the questions remains on how I get The C to understand that I want to give us the best chances possible. That this isn't a game. I am prepping myself for two weeks in order to get ready for his sperm, and I don't want to just shoot in the dark. I know it's not romantic. I gave up on the whole idea of romance making a baby about a year ago. What I don't get is how on earth, after all this time, my husband still believes.

LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN...

Yes, my period. (How's that for a mental image... Ok, moving along.)

Finally, FINALLY today is CD2. As much as I hate my period, I think that I have never been so thrilled to have it show up. Someone asked for a cycle update a few weeks back, and, by george, it's about time I gave it to you.

Let's start with a short recap: my last cycle of Fem.ara/Injectibles (but with s.e.x) ended in failure on December 24. My clinic was closed until January 9, at which point I called and was dealt a 2 week prescription of BCP. I injested my birth control (this notion still freaks me out) for two weeks and then waited out the week for my period to arrive. Et voila. She is here. Tomorrow I go in for my CD3 wanding, and (I hope) a meeting with The World's Best Doctor to strategize for this cycle. I am freakin' excited, scared as shit, and hoping beyond belief all at the same time.

And let me state here for the record: I will not tolerate any suggestion of natural baby making. I. WILL. NOT.

Lest you think that I have not been preoccupied with conception matters for the past 6 weeks, allow me to assure you that we have been busy checking out The C. He had a follow-up appointment with the urologist that included a testicular ultrasound. It was interesting to be in an u's room and to be the one wiht the pants on, let me tell you! Dr. C wanted to check for any abnormalities that could have resulted from The C's undescended testicles he had as a child. We were relieved to find everything to be completely normal. Normal is fantastic, but we are left with no explanation for his borderline sperm counts. (His hormone levels came back within normal ranges too.) Dr. C suggested The C try 25mg of Clo.mid for a few months. (That's half a pill a day.) He is to take it for 25 days, then rest for 5 days, and then continue again. Of course if I get pregnant, he doesn't have to continue.

Now I welcome you to the question segment of this post.
Have any of you/your husbands ever taken Clo.mid?
Have you seen a difference in sperm production?
Have you seen any side effects?
Is this a run of the mill treatment?
Have any of you chosen to not take the Clo.mid once it was presribed?

I haven't read anything on anyone's blog about this, so I'm really wondering. Also Dr. Google is being very stingy with his information. Of course there is tons out there for women on Clo.mid, but not so much for men. Finally, if any of you are concerned about The C turning into an evil Clo.mid bitch like we women tend to, don't fret... that hasn't happened yet!

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I just want to take this opportunity to send all of you who commented on my last post tons and tons of hugs and support. Your comments meant so much to me. I loved having this forum where everyone was able to share. It made me feel so much more normal. I am in such good hands here. You guys truly rock. And those of you who stopped in to just lend an empathetic ear, thank you for being here.

I know you're dying for a zit update. It is in the healing stages, just a bit of a dark pink mark left on my face. I find when my period comes my face clears up, so today I have no pussy or crusty zits, just spots that are healing. It is a relief to not have any sports that hurt on my face.

Also, you were all so frank when talking about your PCOS symptoms, that I thought I would share a bit more. My last post really turned into a rant about my face, and lest you think my symptoms end there, allow me to correct you. In addition to my acne and stubborn chin hair, and of course my annovulatory cycles my symptoms are as follows: overweight (though I can't contribute that wholly to PCOS, I must take responsibility for the amount of food I put into my digestive tract), thinning hair on my head (thank goodness I had the thickest hair known to man while growing up, for now my hair appears as normal, though the future scares me), skin tags (which I always thought I had inherited from my grandmother), dark arm hair (I have more than my husband), and a patch of hair on the small of my back. I know: an attractive picture. But that's me.

FUCK YOU, PCOS

Or: You should see the size of this zit on my face.

I don't know why I feel the need to share this with you guys. I have a pimple above my lip to the right that would make a great evil foil to Cindy Crawford's signature mole. Only my puss-filled crusty-topped pocket of disgustingness is situated a little less towards the corner of my mouth, and a triffle more towards the centre. Am I painting a clear enough picture?

I was thinking to post a close-up photo, but decided against it for a variety of reasons. The primary reason is that the batteries in my camera are dead. But even if I was able to get such a delightful shot, I am afraid that posting it (even as a close-up) might compromise my annonymity. Because surely I am the only person on the island of Montreal (yes, Montreal is an island!) that has such an attrocity attached to her face, and if you saw me on the street you would instantly know I was me. Also, I wish not to showcase the other repuslive symptoms of PCOS that display themselves upon my face, namely the wonderous hairs and other pimples in various states of healing. Indeed, my zits like company... I agree that being a lone zit upon a face would be a sad venture. Lastly, actually seeing the zit might cause you to spit up your coffee, or upchuck your lunch, or regurgitate your brekkie all over your keyboard. And I certainly don't want to be responsible for all the damage.

Am I complaining too much? Perhaps so. But I don't think think I have ever used this forum to discuss what PCOS really does to me, other than not let me ovulate. Most days I thank the almighty that I am not one who is overly concerned with my looks. Because if I was I'm certain I would have committed suicide by now. Often I avoid looking at myself too closely in the mirror. I do not want to see all the pimples that cover my face. I do not want to feel ill becasue I have dark hairs sprouting from my chin. I take a grin and bear it attitude and focus on the reason I am subjecting myself to this: so that we can have a baby.

In the grand scheme of IF, the time that we have been trying seems relatively short (18 months). To those who have been trying for 3 years, 4 years, 7 years..., it must seem like I complain alot about how long we have been waiting. For me, not only does every month that goes by signal another month without conception, it indicates another month that I will have to live with the physical manifestations of my PCOS. On days when I can't grin and bear it, when I do look closely in the mirror, when there is a gross pimple that I cannot avoid, when I stop to wonder what my clients are thinking when we are sitting in meetings, I just want to scream FUCK THIS, and go back on the pill and make it all go away. In my 20s I was so sften complimented on my perfect complexion. Now I know that that perfection was horemone-induced, but still some days I want that back.

I know my sympoms are not as bad as they could be. I have read about women who feel they have to shave daily. Perhaps I will look at that as my silver lining: I only ask my husband to tweeze my hairs every week or so. And it's true... I suppose my zits could be worse: they could all be as yucky as the one that instigated my post. And thank goodness I do not feel so down about myself like this everyday, because by god it would be a painful way to live.

I would love to open up my comments today as a place for others to share their symptoms, anger, and ways in which you deal with your PCOS. I would love to hear from you all.

GUESS IT"S ABOUT TIME FOR AN UPDATE, EH?

Egads! Everytime I come to this page so that I can click over to visit you guys I scare myself with how long it's been since I've posted. Fear not, nothing terrible has happened. But nothing too interesting either.

On Monday I was going to make the attempt at writing a completely un-infertility related post. I was going to tell you how hot Jack Bauer makes me, and how thrilled I am to be watching a new season of the hottest dude on tv. Man, the season premier filled me with four wonderful hours of lust. Turning all jiggly here just thinking about it. What does The C think of this rediculous behaviour? You should hear how he purrs when Kim comes on the screen!

Wow. Glad I didn't waste a whole entry talking about that!

Last week, after I exhibited my wares and pimped my product at another trade show, I was going to rant about the attendees of said show. There's not much point in hinding what I do, so let me tell you about the show. I work in the wedding industry, and thus was exhibiting at a bridal show. All the visiotrs were brides and their entourages. Fun! you might say. And it is. Except that in Quebec couples tend to cohabitate and procreate before they get married. Which in theory I do not have a problem with. I am beyond totally fine with this idea, as a matter of fact. But spending two days smiling cheerfully and discussing my products to countless pregnant brides is not what I would call a good time.

(Of ocurse there are plenty of non-pregnant, non-infant-toting brides too. And those invariably are the ones who end up interested in my product. I have yet to sign a client who is pregnant. It is my belief that this is so because I sell a very high-end product, and anyone in their right mind who is expecting would not spend money on such an item. Or maybe it's the vibe I give off...)

Again, not such an interesting topic.

I could make an excuse that I haven't posted in so long because my phone has been ringing off the hook, and I am working like a semi-lunatic. It has, and I have, but it's really not the reason for not posting. (After here I am posting now while the work sits to my left piling and piling.)

People, I'm not quite sure what it is. It could be that nothing much is going on on the cycle front. Do you want an update of that? Leave me a comment, and I would be happy to oblidge. After I pull the pickle from my ass.


PS: While away in my not blagging regularly world, Manuela seems to have gone password protected. Can someone tell me how I can get in touch with her? Thks!

OH! IT'S 2007?

For the past week or so I have been pondering and over-pondering what I would write for this monumental first post of the New Year. The truth is that I don't feel anything monumental at all. Today, the fourth day after the start of 2007, feels just like any other day.

The whole Christmas and New Years thing has never been significant to me. I don't celebrate the birth of Christ, and my New Year celebration falls sometime in September. Don't get me wrong, it's great to have a couple of daysoff to spend with The C: time to relax and reconnect. We're not party animals, so often the evening of December 31 unfolds just like any other weekend night. We have fun, and are in bed before midnight.

(More significant is my birthday which falls between the two holidays. On this day I often take a bit of time for private reflection. In the past few year I have found that I also take a moment to think about my parents and their excitement that they must have felt on the day I was born, as well as the hard work that my mother put in to bring me into the world. Perhaps it is because my birthday falls at the end of the December that I don't find the start of a new year a momentous time for resolutions and reflections.)

I haven't made any resolutions. My hopes and dreams have not changed since last week, last month, or in the last 17 months. 2006 was not the best year in my life. I struggled with things that I never thought I would have to deal with in a million years. But today I am still having the same struggles. I've said it before, and I will say it again: I am a realist. Realistically speaking I will not bring a baby into my home in 2007. For that I would have to conceive in my next cycle, and well, we all know the chances of a positive outcome...

January 1 marked the start of our 17th month of trying to conceive. Each start of a new month adds another notch in that belt, and I so wish it weren't so. I can't help thinking that if everything had gone as planned we would be holding a 5 month old baby in our arms. (I can do the math... 17-9=8, but let's face it, it could take three months...) It's amazing to me that it can easily be 17+ months before our dreams come true. No matter where I am in my cycle, where we are in the year, where I am in my life, I am consumed with my infertility. There's nothing new and exciting about IF this year, it's still the disgusting fart stinking up my life.

At the risk of being a complete downer about the new year, I can say that 2006 was certainly not the worst of my 32 years. There were highlights, and many things that I am thankful for.

This is as good a time as any (and I will try to do so regularly, because it's just a kind thing to do,) to wish you all much health and happiness, and dreams that come true. Though I don't know most of you personally, you are all important to me and I hold you in a special place in my heart.

C'mon 2007, hit me with your best shot!