Monday, June 11, 2007

PLIMBO

The white peach sangria: SO NOT worth it. After all this anticipation- IT WAN'T EVEN PEACH. I know- the disappointment that you guys must be feeling too!! I would much rather have been pregnant yesterday. More on that later.

Today is CD15. I don't know what possessed me (I am not into wasting money on HPTs) but we tested again this morning. It is confirmed. I am officially in PLIMBO (period limbo): the time between knowing it's a no-go and AF arriving. You have to forgive me, I can't for the life of me remeber who coined the term (if you know, please tell me so that I can give credit where credit is due.) I have stopped my progesterone and am simply waiting. So that, my friends is THAT.

So. The party. Friends of my parents (who are our age) showed up with their nearly-five-month old son. I hadn't met him until yesterday. He was so preciously delicious and well behaved. The parents were not at the party five minutes when I was handed the baby with a "you look like you want to hold him". (Did I really look like I wanted to hold him? I don't know?!! But there I was with baby in my arms.) And once I had him I did not want to let go. It was such an amazing feeling. Of course everyone at the party was having a field day with me walking around with the baby. Countless comments ensued: "It looks like it's time for you guys"; "You look so natural"; "I think you need to have one of your own"; and etcetera. I nodded politely and gave cute little smiles in response, but mostly wanted to scream: "Fuck you!" to them all.

But hell no, I was not letting go. Until I found my husband and handed Sir Delicious over to him. Man, was that a sight to behold. The baby got fidgety so The C handed the baby over to his mother (The C's mother, not the baby's mother.) The woman was in heaven! Bouncing the baby, talking to him in Portuguese, smiling and laughing. She was having a ball. And my heart was breaking.

Finally last night when we got into bed I shared with The C how wonderful it was to see his mother with the baby. (I had actually never seen her with a baby in all these years!) I have always had a small worry in the back of my mind about how it would "work" with my inlaws when The C and I had children. They don't speak much English, and I don't speak much Portuguese, so I was worried about how our children would have a relationship with them (if my husband did not make a conscious effort to teach them his language). Let me tell you that after seeing my mother-in-law with the baby yesterday, all those fears are gone. I know she is a wonderful grandmother (to The C's neices), but I am certain that even though there may be a laguage barrier between us, she will be fantastc with our babies.

I mentioned in Saturday's post that I hadn't cried yet. Last night the tears finally fell. Talking to The C about all this was jsut so heartbreaking. Each cycle is our loss, and it is really hard to deal with. But yesterday after seeing his mother (and then later my mother) with the baby I felt so sad that I am depriving them of that opportunity with our children. It just made me cry and cry. It's really so unfair.

13 comments:

Samantha said...

I'm really sorry about this cycle. It totally sucks.

sariel & shlomit said...

i'm sorry you're in plimbo...and sorrier still that the drink didn't quite do it for you...but i'm the most sorry about how painful all of this is...for you and those you love...i would give anything to take that hurt away and to make you pregnant...hang in there my darling...
peace
shlomit

decemberbaby said...

*hugs*

Sorry the sangria was such a disappointment.

Holding babies is so delicious, but it can be such a painful reminder, too. I hope that you're holding your own as soon as possible.

Carrie said...

Seeing my mother with a baby, or glancing at a passing baby, breaks my heart too.
It's not your fault. You can't blame yourself.
They'll have their grandchild someday, Take care of you. x

Flygirl said...

I could never bring myself to hold anyone's baby when we were trying. Just didn't have it in me.

*hugs*

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I am so sorry. PLIMBO is not a fun place to be. Sending you a hug.

Nico said...

Plimbo sucks ass. I'm so sorry.

megan said...

it is totally and completely unfair. the party sounds like it turned into such an emotional experience. sending you big hugs.

Natalie said...

I'm so sorry about plimbo (what a great term, though). Holding babies is just so great, and yet so sad at the same time. Take care of yourself.

My Reality said...

Want to come over for the sangria flavour of your choosing? I will make multiple kinds if you like. . .

Is plimbo a Watson term? It sounds kind of Watson-ish to me.

Gil said...

I'm expecting to be in plimbo myself soon. This sucks. Royally. I wish we could make it all go away and fix things just like that. *snaps fingers* But it doesn't. And we can't.

I shed tears every time I think of the fact that I'm keeping my own parents from becoming grandparents; they so badly want to welcome OUR baby rather than say, our friends' babies into their home. But all we can do is keep trying. And find a shred of hope somewhere.

Love to you both. -G.

sharah said...

Seeing Manly with a baby is always the worst for me. I think I would be okay if we never had kids, but I don't know about him. One of the most painful things about this so far for me is that I haven't been able to give him kids.

Ann said...

Yes, I think seeing our parents with their other nieces is the hardest thing for me. I want SO MUCH to be able to give them another grandchild.

Every time I come to your blog, I'm crossing my fingers for good news. I'm so sorry this cycle didn't work out.