Wednesday, December 26, 2007


Today I am 33. I am happy and healthy and have the one wish I have wished for for the past 2 years. I'm not sure it would be right to ask for anything more.

I just reread my post-holiday and -birthday post from last year. It amazes me how much can change in a year. (This point was also driven hope when I read through this year's archives in search for a post for Mel's Creme de la Creme.) Words really can't describe how fortunate I feel today.

This feeling of, well, feeling good can explain my lack of posting as of late. It's just that after all this time of feeling like frozen shit on a stick I actually feel fine. My fears, worries and neuroses of the first 20 weeks of this pregnancy were all very real, and, to some degree, unbelievably debilitating. But the past 8 weeks have been uneventfully wonderful. Our baby is growing and seems healthy, and after missing the pleasures of the first half of my pregnancy I am now trying to enjoy every moment.

And so I find myself at a loss... I am used to blogging about being a bitter infertile, and subsequently about being frightened barely pregnant woman with a disease carrying a high rate of miscarriage. This blog is that of an infertile (which I will always be), and so it feels strange to just jump into issues that are now on my mind. Believe you me, I have plenty to discuss.

Most of what I think about deals with bringing home a real live baby boy in less than three months. Because, finally, I actually believe that's what's going to happen come March. I'm just having trouble reconciling writing about labour ideas, vaccination worries and breastfeeding fears in the same place where I bawled about the possibilities of pehaps never even getting the opportunity to do so.

I'm not sure how this space will evolve. I'm sure I will lose some of you, and I truly understand (and miss you dearly). Please know that I still visit you all.

It's not that I feel guilty about being here... I just wish more than anything that every single one of you was here with me. I guess that's my birthday wish.

I am so lucky to have met you all.

Sunday, December 02, 2007


The first time I felt the baby move was at about 18 and a half weeks. While I was anxious to feel movement I didn't actually expect it to happen that early as I'm a woman with more than a bit of extra padding. But nonetheless, there I was sitting in the movie Across the Universe with my husband and part way though there was this feeling in my belly. I let out a small gasp in shock, and proceeded to try to expel a fart (nice image, but it's true!). When I couldn't I knew the feeling wasn't gas, and was most certainly my growing, moving baby. Miraculously I was able to wait to till the end of the movie to let my husband in on this special news.

(Let's just note that The Beatles are my fave. Really. I grew up listening to them, and their music makes me so happy. I love every song and have every album. In my mind, no music can even compare. So it's amazing to me that my baby gave me his first nudge while I was watching/listening to a movie set to Beatles tunes. This coincidence actually almost solidifies our lean to using a a name featured in a Beatles song. But I digress.)

After that first sign of movement I probably didn't feel anything for a few days. And then a few days after that. Progressively I felt him daily, and then sometimes even a few times a day. Each time brought a smile to my face. It was like my little secret.

It's true-explaining how the movement felt is very tricky. I couldn't seem to put it into words. It's like a little fish blowing bubbles in my belly. Like tiny little pops. Like the coloured stuff that moves around a lava lamp.

The first time I felt the baby move from the outside was a shock. I wasn't even trying to feel him. I was just lying and reading with my hand resting on my stomach. And then suddenly: blooop. I nearly jumped to the ceiling. Again it was a complete surprise because I didn't know that I would be able to feel the movement from the outside so soon. Couple that with my belly fat and I pretty much thought it would be somewhere near the end of the pregnancy!

The C was excited by this development, but sadly over the following days the baby did not want to cooperate with him. And then one night I grabbed his hand fast and smushed it against my belly. The baby moved and The C was so startled.

"OMG, you felt that!" I said.
"Oh come on, that was just you hiccuping!" he insisted.
"No really, that was the baby."
"I just felt our baby?!"
"Yes, that was him alright."

"Wow. This is so unbelievably real to me now. I can't believe this is inside you! It's really happening!!"

It is amazing that it took my husband more than 20 weeks to truly be able to feel that we are going to have a baby. Earlier on in the pregnancy when I wanted him to talk to my belly he obliged, but he thought I was nuts. Now he can feel what he talking to and he is so excited. I usually grab his hand when the baby gets active and let him enjoy the little kicks, punches and somersaults. While each time is thrilling, I have always had to alert him of an active time to come feel.

Last night in a mostly awake state I spooned my husband. (Spooning is pushing it a bit... I more or less put my belly to his back and threw my arm as far around his waist as it would go- thanks to the growing belly.) I was lying there trying to be comfortable and wish myself back to sleep as the baby twirled and whirled inside. And then BAM big kick. Right to my husband's back.

The C instantly flew around. "The baby just kicked me!" I was as stunned as he was! Though I felt the baby move, I had no idea that my sleeping husband would feel it. My husband thought that surely it was a special kick just for him. The baby surely wanted to let him know right then and there he was awake and kickin'. And The C was thrilled to be made aware.

Right then, in middle of the night, I realized that I have never loved 2 people more in my entire life.