Thursday, June 28, 2007


I'm here, but have been running around a lot in the past week.

A short update: We had our IUI today. Everything looked good. We shall see what happens 15 days from now. (You will be happy to know that I don't have any big events planned for that time.)

I'm not one to believe in signs, but last night when we got into bed The C flipped through the channels and found Simon.and.Garfunkle in concert on PBS. I turned to him and said: this must be a sign. I love S and G, but have no clue what made that come out of my mouth at that moment. It was a weird thing to say, but I think I just felt that at that precise moment the stars were all aligned, and that all would be fine in our little world.

Does that make sense?

A longer post to come. With some pics that we took on our "vacation" at home.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007


You would think that I would make it monumental... But I don't have much to say today.

The truth is that I really wanted to mark my Blogaversary with my 100th post, but my timing was off by a week. So here I am, all ho hum, trying to think of something to say.

Let's start like this: OMG, I heart the Comment-a-thon!! It's SO much fun. I love all my comments, so thank you guys so very much! To you guys who commented for the first time (let's face it, I have seen you folks around the blogosphere, but never here), it's so swell of you to drop in, and please be my guest to continue to do so.

I also have to say that I have loved leaving comments the past couple of days. I have commented on a few blogs that I never have before, and I am proud at myself for doing so. I love sharing the love. And I'm thrilled to have found some new blogs.

Allow me comment on some of the comments that you guys left...

Lots of you expressed surprise over the change in doctor. The truth is that I knew this would happen, I just didn't know when. (And I had met the other doctor, so it wasn't like a had a complete stranger staring up my hoo hoo.) As much as it was a surprise, it was also a bit sad. My doctor had to stop working because he is very sick. Even in the short time that I saw him (8 months) I was able to see a deterioration in his condition. I can only imagine what it must be like for a man who is obviously so passinate about his work, his patients, and his clinic to have to give it all up. Even though he couldn't speak (a symptom of his illness), I was able to tell all this about him. Some of you have asked me what is "wrong" with my doctor. The truth is that I really don't know. I never asked, and I was never told. He did exhibit many symptoms, and I discussed them with my aunt who is a neuro-psychologist. She feels that all the symptoms point towards a brain injury of some sort, or a brain tumor. (My aunt evalutes people with brain injuries day in, day out, and she told me his symptoms are pretty textbook.) Again, it's hard to even express how upsetting it is that my caring, compassionate and dedicated doctor is not able to practice any more.

Whooo- I didn't want this to be depressing! Let's move on...

My ovaries! Thanks for the congratulations on their beauty. I just want to be clear on one thing: they are still polycystic! Their status has not changed. They are just good-looking polycystic (which Dr. New was quick to point out that this is a bit of a misnomer, as they are really poly-follicular) ovaries.

Now, can I complain a little bit? I've had a headache for the past 3 days! A bad headache! Very painful. I haven't been able to work (thank goodness I work for myself), or do much of anything (except, ahem, read blogs when I drag my ass out of bed). Finally I called my clinic, because OMG, I was hurting. They told me it was most likely from the Fem.ara. Now, I have never had this side effect before (and this is my 5th cycle on the Fem.ara), and I had finished taking iton Monday. I am aware that it stays in the system for about 4 days, so I suppose it's possible that I am having a side effect from it. Then I spoke to my homeopath, and described the type of pain that I am having. She told me that it sounds like a liver cleansing headache (which fits well with my liver trying to work through the Fem.ara). So with all this great information, I am off to find the right remedy to make it GO AWAY! Hopefully I will be in a much better state later today.

Alrighy! C'est tout pour aujour'hui! Tomorrow I will update you on my cycle after my wanding. For now: hit me with your best comment!

Monday, June 18, 2007


I figure it's only right to start off this week of the Comment-a-thon with a post chock full of stuff to give you fodder for comments. I want everyone to reach their goals, cuz let's face it- how cool would that be.

So: let me tell you about my surprises.

It you've been reading for a while you will know that I'm a gal who like, order, organization, plans and strategies. If you didn't know- now you do! (Amazing fact #482 about me!) I like to make lists, I love to obsess about things, and my favorite activity is "imagine the scenario".

This past week held a number of surprises for me. Let's take a peek. (And let's make a list! What a shocker!)

1. I wasn't too astounded at my negative last weekend. But it was a bit surprizing that Af didn't show until 16dpo. I called my clinic hoping for a CD3 appointment, but was pretty sure I would be told to take some BCPs as we had done 2 cycles consecutively. Woot- I was told to come in to see the doctor- yay me! Yes, a bunch of little surprises leading up to this big one: When we walked into the clinic we found out that our doctor had decided not to work anymore! Dr. New was taking over the clinic. (Our clinic only has one RE, a nurse, an embryologist, and the receptionist.) We had met with Dr. New on several occasions (as a matter of fact he is the one who "performed" my last IUI), but we were not under the impression that TWBD would be leaving the practice in a *poof*! I like Dr. New, and this change is not something that we would switch clinics over, but it would have been nice to have been informed, you know?

2. Our next surprise: The amount that Dr. New talks. You know, I had pretty much gotten used to my silent u/s rendez-vous. Dr. New did not just point out the obvious, but elaborated on everything like twenty-fold. As weird as it was to have a doctor that doesn't talk, once I made the adjustment, it's bizarre to have someone tell you everything!

3. And so you're wondering: What is it that Dr. New went on about? In a nutshell: how spectacular my ovaries are. Ha! I know! Pretty funny! It was interesting to have someone actually tell me about my ovaries. Apparently they are textbook. And they respons very nicely. And that thy are CYST FREE, so we are doing another cycle immediately! Now that's a great surprise! I was really thinking that we would have to do another round of BCPs, then cycle again, which would take us to the end of July. But we get to go right away!

4. Our final surprise came when we suggested that perhaps after this IUI (should it fail... I am trying not to even think about this and just stick to strategy at the moment) we should move on to IVF. Previously TWBD had suggested 6 injectible cycles (this current one is our 5th) before moving on. The way I was calculating, should cycle 5 fail we would have to wait out the rest of the summer (due to planned holidays) and then do the 6th in September. Should the 6th fail we were looking at starting our IVF at the end of October (it's amazing how far ahead I try to calculate!!). This timing for IVF completely does not work for us, as it is smack in the middle of The C's busy season. So we would have to postpone until January. BUT- here's the SURPRISE!! Dr. New agreed that we can move forward after this cycle, if need be. (Thus starting our supression in August). I felt a huge relief upon hearing this. Though of course I'm hoping beyond all hope that we won't have to visit that part of the plan, you know what I mean?

Alas... now I am off to get my pretty little ovaries checked-it's CD7 (This cycle's protocol: 5 days 5mg Fem.ara; 60IU Pur.egon starting CD5). When I'm back I'll be off to comment on all your writings! Have a happy day y'all.

Monday, June 11, 2007


First things first: today is the first day of the rest of my life. It is also the first day of my cycle. And also the First Blogaversary of this here collection of IF shit. The coincidence of all three of these events smashing into each other today is unprecedentedly unfathomable. (OMG, to top this all off it is also the birthday of my bestest pal R, whose husband is the orator of the great quote which inspired my title. I am simply beside myself with this awesome twist of fate.)

Enough blab blabbing (though mind you, I've been doing that for a year, and you still come back for more), let's get on with the celebration, people!


You guys can all go out and get yourselves the biggest, fattest slice of dark chocolate cake with whipped cream icing (because if we were all together IRL for a party, that is definately the cake that I would serve to you all), but while you're out doing that, I'm going to be honouring you. Yes, YOU! (And you, and you, and you.) Because there is no way I would be who I am today without you.

Allow us to time travel for a moment. The date: June 12, 2006. The place: ummm... right here.

I wrote my first post (go ahead, reread, it's a quicky!), and received my first comment from Erin, who encouraged me to tell my whole story. And of course I've been following hers. I fond myself admiring her choice to persue adoption after struggling with PCOS and secondary infertility.

I told my IF tale to date, and was offered support from so many of you immediately: Nico, Krista, Heather, Lut, Chicagogirl, Angie, Electriclady, Beth- all of whom are either currently pregnant or have given birth in the past year. And also- Sunnie and GZ who I miss terribly.

I felt like an imposter, but you guys encouraged me to stay. Of course I found that I was not alone, and that I was not crazy, and that I wasn't the only one who hated my body, the medical system, and other people's pregnant bellies. You held my hand through the agozing wait until my first appointment with my RE (and second opinions) which was approximately nine 2WWs!

The agonizing wait led me to do lots of rersearch, and meet lots of you. I found IF comes in many shapes, sizes, ages, factors, uterii, and unexplainable things. I also learned how coo-coo Clomid is. Thank you to Thalia, Manuela, Meg, 'Nilla, Mary Ellen, Jennie, and Jenny.

Then came The C's first semen analysis. Oh, the hilarity of IF was just begining!! But you guys stuck with me. You told me how you went about this process: alone, together, at home, with porn. It was amazing to me that there was a whole group of you out there who were going through the same things as me, when no one in the Real World would talk about it.

Speaking of Real World... I am mistaken. I DID find one wonderful friend who understood it all too well. Over lunch in Toronto one day Shlomit and I confided in each other. I encouraged her to read my blog, and she decided to start her own space to write about her journey. Shlomit, I can't say enough how having you by my side has helped me in the past year. It is amazing to me how I have found my wa to you in the times in my life when I have needed a friend who understands.

Let me talk about a few other women who get where I am coming from in terms of my IF: the PCOS clan. Ornery, Robber Barren and Erin were the first that I discovered. I learned that PCOS came in many guises but the frustration is all the same. And then came Flygirl and Rachel, Canadians, just like me! Oh and Becky and Heather... AND THEN came my monumental post: FUCK YOU PCOS! And as luck would have it, a whole slew of you came pouring into my midst. I met Karen, Elizabeth, Baby Blues, Sharah, Ann, Tipsymarie, K, and Samantha. Whew! Now for anyone out there googling overweight, facial hair, hair loss, big zits, irregular cycles, annovulation, insulin resistance, and infertility: go on- have a field day! These women will tell you all you need to know.

Are there enough hyper links in this post yet? No? You want more? Okee dokke, you got it!

Let's talk about 2 girls who I have the most possibility of meeting one day. Both live in Toronto, and both are incredibly wonderful. I met Reality early on, and have always felt like she and I would be friends if we met IRL. Even through her toughest times (and this past year has dealt her more than her fair share, and then too much more), she has been here. And then I met Sara, who is compassionate as well as spunky, and always says the sweetest things.

There are also women I admire for their blog style. Bea and Ellen: I am always in awe of how wonderfully you write. Then there is Amy- I have never met anyone so open about her IF. Her strenghth and courage are trly inspiring to me. And finally, Gaelen- no one animates IF the way that you do!

And the women whose journeys keep me coming back to check on them: Ellie, S, Adrienne, May, Lunar Dreams, Cathleen, and Christina. Thank you for also coming by to check on me.

This post would not be complete without celebrating Mel. To me, she is the mother to all of us hopeful mothers. Her blog provided me with a safe place to go whether I'm looking for technical (yet layman-like) information, a shoulder to cry on, or a barrel of giggles.

Here's to all of you who I have met in the past year. I wish that we didn't have this common journey that joined us together, but I am ever so thankful that you are here. I want to send a special shout out to you who have conceived and/or given birth in this past year (there are 24 of you!)- you tryly keep my hope alive. It CAN happen. To those who haven't made it there yet, I wish that your journey takes you to a place where you find peace.

Thanks again, to all you fine folks. You have given me what no one else can.


The white peach sangria: SO NOT worth it. After all this anticipation- IT WAN'T EVEN PEACH. I know- the disappointment that you guys must be feeling too!! I would much rather have been pregnant yesterday. More on that later.

Today is CD15. I don't know what possessed me (I am not into wasting money on HPTs) but we tested again this morning. It is confirmed. I am officially in PLIMBO (period limbo): the time between knowing it's a no-go and AF arriving. You have to forgive me, I can't for the life of me remeber who coined the term (if you know, please tell me so that I can give credit where credit is due.) I have stopped my progesterone and am simply waiting. So that, my friends is THAT.

So. The party. Friends of my parents (who are our age) showed up with their nearly-five-month old son. I hadn't met him until yesterday. He was so preciously delicious and well behaved. The parents were not at the party five minutes when I was handed the baby with a "you look like you want to hold him". (Did I really look like I wanted to hold him? I don't know?!! But there I was with baby in my arms.) And once I had him I did not want to let go. It was such an amazing feeling. Of course everyone at the party was having a field day with me walking around with the baby. Countless comments ensued: "It looks like it's time for you guys"; "You look so natural"; "I think you need to have one of your own"; and etcetera. I nodded politely and gave cute little smiles in response, but mostly wanted to scream: "Fuck you!" to them all.

But hell no, I was not letting go. Until I found my husband and handed Sir Delicious over to him. Man, was that a sight to behold. The baby got fidgety so The C handed the baby over to his mother (The C's mother, not the baby's mother.) The woman was in heaven! Bouncing the baby, talking to him in Portuguese, smiling and laughing. She was having a ball. And my heart was breaking.

Finally last night when we got into bed I shared with The C how wonderful it was to see his mother with the baby. (I had actually never seen her with a baby in all these years!) I have always had a small worry in the back of my mind about how it would "work" with my inlaws when The C and I had children. They don't speak much English, and I don't speak much Portuguese, so I was worried about how our children would have a relationship with them (if my husband did not make a conscious effort to teach them his language). Let me tell you that after seeing my mother-in-law with the baby yesterday, all those fears are gone. I know she is a wonderful grandmother (to The C's neices), but I am certain that even though there may be a laguage barrier between us, she will be fantastc with our babies.

I mentioned in Saturday's post that I hadn't cried yet. Last night the tears finally fell. Talking to The C about all this was jsut so heartbreaking. Each cycle is our loss, and it is really hard to deal with. But yesterday after seeing his mother (and then later my mother) with the baby I felt so sad that I am depriving them of that opportunity with our children. It just made me cry and cry. It's really so unfair.

Saturday, June 09, 2007


Well I did gone go do it.

My husband's family is descending today (we will be 8 people in our small one bathroomed house), and the big bash that we are throwing for my father is tomorrow (hence the arrival of in-laws and such). I wanted to be "prepared". I just needed to know before I had no control over the rest of my weekend.

So I went to the drugstore last night to purchase some (rip-off) paraphernalia so that I could give my body the equivalent of its SATs. (You know, the big test that will decide your future...)

I woke up at 5:15 rarin' to pee. And my FMU did not let me down- strong and bold it poured over the stick. The stick that within seconds taunted me with only one line. I sighed, flushed, and got back into bed. The C did not even stir once. I tossed, I turned, I got back out of bed and headed here. So you guys know about this first. (Well maybe not, the man should be out of bed any moment, and he will be faced with the evidence when he walks into the bathroom.)

I haven't cried. And I don't know why. My emotions continue to confuse me at every point of this journey. It really all so bizarre. I have spent most of this 2WW cranky as cranky can be. I've been waiting for someone to say something to me (along the lines of: Ms. C, you are being such a biotch, what the fuck is with you), but no one has. Though I am definately feeling a sense of immense loss, a sense of lightness has come over me.

Last night the winds picked up and it thunderstormed all night. This morning the sky is clear and the sun is starting to come into my office as I type this.

Who knows what the future will bring...
(I'm guessing boatloads of white peach sangria for a start.)

Monday, June 04, 2007


8 Random Things About Me

I know that you have all been waiting anxiously for me to do this meme- I KNOW! And I am so sorry to keep you waiting for so long. I was just waiting for the right time. You know, with all the other exciting things going on around here, it's so hard to get time in for a meme. So without further ado...

1. I am a total neat freak and control freak, but for some reason my office desk is always a complete mess. Papers, bills, receipts, 2 phones, project folders, a zillion different lists... If anyone touches anything it drives me nuts, because although it's out of contol I still somehow know where to find everything.

2. I have a Bachelor of Fine.Arts and a Mater of Archi.tecture. My work uses skills that I gathered from both these fields, but is not something that you would imagine someone with these degrees doing as her "job".

3. Bad grammar drives me bonkers. Especially on professionally made materials (signs, menus, etc..) (I am aware that I am very guilty of it here. VERY aware. Which contributes to the problem. You know the old saying- the things that bother you the most about other people are the ones that you can't resolve within yourself. This is certainly a superficial interpretation of that saying...) Things that bug me the most: their, there and they're used incorrectly; its and it's- egad!; and the worst: using 's when it does not denote a posessive- that gives me shivers like when someone scratched their nails on a blackbord.

4. I went to an all girls pirvate high school. And I LOVED it.

5. The C and I met because we lived on the same floor in our university residence. One night we were drunk and he followed me back to my room. The rest is (pretty much) history.

6. The first place that I ever travelled to outside of North America was China. I went on a school trip when I was 16 (ummm... if this surprises you, see #4). It was an amazing adventure. Prior to that trip I had traveled to Toronto, Eastern Quebec and New Brunswick, California, and Florida.

7. I am fourth generation North American. My father's mother's mother was born in Nashville. She was supposedly a real "Southern Belle". All of my grandparents were born in North America (3 in Canada and 1 in the US), with their parents having come here in their childhood. This is really remarkable considering my Jewish heritage. Most Jews did not come to Canada and the US until the a generation later. As a result, it is also notable that I didn't have any family that was lost in the Holo.caust (baruch hashem). Another interesting fact: The C is Canadian by naturalization- he was born in Portugal and only came here when he was 15. Our children (halavai) will be 5th generation on my side, and first generation on his.

8. I love shoes. Especially black flats. Oy vey. I also love purses. You can never outgrow either of these things...

2WW update: NOTHING to report. No symptoms whatsoever. Perhaps I will be enjoying that white peach sagria come Sunday...