Sunday, July 04, 2010


I'm just so... ANGRY. Frustrated. Mad, annoyed, deflated. And I feel stupid.

Like I really, actually, truly thought that it would work the first time. How ridiculous is that?

I want to blame someone. I need to blame someone. My husband, my doctor, myself. Other pregnant women. (How horrible a person does that make me?)

I am in a foul mood. This just isn't fair.

More blood today, and by my calculations we can't cycle again until September. I don't know how I'm going to make it that long. I know i will make it, and then we will have another failed cycle. And another, and... It's just shit not knowing when, and how long I will need to endure, how long I will have to keep up this brave face and act like "nothing" is going on.

Treatments are such a mindfuck. I can't take it. But I can't not take it.

Saturday, July 03, 2010


It's 11dpo, and this morning when I went to the bathroom there was a slight orange-y tinge when I wiped.

Too late for implantation, too early for my period.

At least I'll save money on an hpt- that's an upside, isn't it.

Just... ugh. I really thought this had worked. I'm so naive.

Sadly, I liked this bit of naivete (why don't my accents work??). I just fear becoming that jaded, cynical, angry infertile again. Which I never stopped being, per se, but I do realize that the degree is starting to meter is starting to measure higher again.

A mom friend (a woman I really am only friends with because our kids play together), who swore up and down to me that she was done with her one and only because her husband is such an ass, told me she bought a "baby making monitor" (ovulation monitor) and some lingerie. I'm bitter about this for so many reasons. So many. Just thinking about it now is making my blood boil.

I really don't want to be this way. It's not nice to begrudge people their babies.