Sunday, July 04, 2010

ANGRY

I'm just so... ANGRY. Frustrated. Mad, annoyed, deflated. And I feel stupid.

Like I really, actually, truly thought that it would work the first time. How ridiculous is that?

I want to blame someone. I need to blame someone. My husband, my doctor, myself. Other pregnant women. (How horrible a person does that make me?)

I am in a foul mood. This just isn't fair.

More blood today, and by my calculations we can't cycle again until September. I don't know how I'm going to make it that long. I know i will make it, and then we will have another failed cycle. And another, and... It's just shit not knowing when, and how long I will need to endure, how long I will have to keep up this brave face and act like "nothing" is going on.

Treatments are such a mindfuck. I can't take it. But I can't not take it.

12 comments:

Heather said...

I'm so sorry.

tears

My heart aches for you. I hope you don't have to wait that long.

Anonymous said...

(((hugs)))

I'm right there with you, even though we're not in treatments. This is now our fourth cycle of "trying but not preventing" - though we are really trying by timing everything - and I'm starting to freak a bit. Starting to consider OPKs for a couple cycles and I feel like at 6 months if nothing has happened, I may start considering treatments again. Blah. I don't even want to go there.

The first cycle was the worst though - I think that first disappointment brings back all of the feelings of when we tried the first time... and I'm not so sure that knowing how it all works helps any.


(((hugs again)))

-Carrie
http://welayinrepose.livejournal.com

sky girl said...

Oh my friend. I wish that there was something I could say to make this heartache go away.

Just know I'm thinking of you and if you ever want to vent to someone you've never met, I'm an email away.

xo

My Reality said...

Why do you feel stupid for feeling angry? Or for feeling disappointed?

There is nothing wrong with feeling that way, treatment IS a mindfuck.

I hope you don't have to ride this train for long.

robin said...

I agree with My Reality... go ahead and be angry and disappointed.

You have a lot invested in this, and even if you know in your head that nothing is guaranteed, it doesn't make the bad news any less bad.

I'm still hoping and praying for you. I can't know what you're going through, but I want to extend my heartfelt compassion to you as you wait out these next weeks & months.

Krista said...

I am sorry. And I agree with Reality, anger is an appropriate response to this shitty situation.

Erin said...

It sounds like a normal response to me. Treatments are awful, both physically and mentally. I'm sorry this cycle didn't work--I also hope you're not on this train long this time. (((HUGS))) for you, my friend.

MrsSpock said...

Oh crap- that sucks.

Lut C. said...

I'm sorry it didn't work.

I've felt foolish for hoping after every failed cycle, and angry and frustrated, ...

Keeping up the brave face is a tough one. And the envy, I know it so well.

Thalia said...

I'm really sorry, it's always so bloody hard when this happens.

Anonymous said...

Haven't checked in on you in awhile and so sorry to hear that you are going through this hell again...sending the BIGGEST of hugs and lots of love, my friend.

peace
shlomit

Pcos Mom said...

I am sorry for what you had to go through. I can imagine how difficult this must be for you. I am actually speechless, and I can only hope that things will fall into place very soon. Sending you lots of hug your way.