Wednesday, October 27, 2010


So- the nuber came back at 1663.

That's a doubling time of 46 hrs from the last beta, and 44 hrs from the first beta. (Or vise vera, I can't remember- I'm tired.)

So- in the clear. For the time being. Because although I don't want to be, I am feeling totally neurotic.

Next Wednesday is the viability scan. I will be 6w, and the nurse said they should see a heartbeat. I thought that would be closer to 7w- can someone help me out with that?

Will try not to obsess too much between now and then.

Thank you all for your kind words and support this week. Wow. You are all so awesome.


If I was a normal 5w pregnant lady who did it with her partner in the bedroom with some romance and stuff I wouldn't be obsessing over my betas.

Would I?

I mean, I would have taken my hpt, seen it was positive, and been elated with this knowledge. I would be content monitoring my early pregnancy symptoms and be looking for a doctor, and waiting for 12 weeks to roll around so that I can get to see my baby for the first time.

Isn't that how it's supposed to go?

If I was normal I wouldn't ever have heard the word beta, I would have no clue what the doubling time should be, or that the mass of cells developing in my uterus should even have a doubling time.

Oh how I wish I could be normal.


Went for a 3rd beta this morning, and will have results around 3pm. The nurse told me that if the number don't double then they want me to have an u/s next week to look for the sac. Will keep you posted, of course.

Monday, October 25, 2010


Had another beta today.

It's 4 days later, so we were looking at a number 4x 195. That would be at least 780.

My beta came back at 735.

My reaction to the nurse was "oh, that's not good." And well, it didn't quadruple.

Of course the nurse said I should not be alarmed yet. And tht if I spoke to the doctor he probably wouldn't make a big thing of it.

But- she did offer me to come back in 2 days for yet another beta. (I did have the option of just waiting til next week for a scan... but if the numbers aren't doing well, I would rather know sooner rather than later not to expect a heartbeat next week.)

So- I appreciate all the good wishes and various forms of "woo hoo". But it appears that I am not out of the woods yet.

Now is the time that I appreal to you, my wonderful internet ladies of support. Who cn regale me with stories featuring similar beta happenings that had a desirable outcome? Please help.

Oh, it would be so nice to be naive at this moment...

Thursday, October 21, 2010


And there was a second line. It was as faint as last night's.

But there.

And a line is a line, right?

I'll cut to the chase. I went to the clinic for a beta.

At 15 dpo my beta is 195. Check it. It's pretty much right where I want to be. I'm going back on Monday for a repeat.

Just- WOW. I really can't wrap my head around this. I completely thought it wasn't going to work, and was already counting cycle days for next month. And I'm not just saying that.

So. Cautiously hopeful? I can go with that.


I hade a mistake on my previous post. It wasonly 12dpo.

Yesterday was 14 dpo. And there was no sign of my period.

My nanny was coming over to babysit as I had a business dinner, so I asked her to bring over some extra pee dippy-stcks that she had.

I wnet right upstairs, dipped in the cup and waited. And nothing happened. (Turns out i dipped the test too much, so i guess there was too much pee.) I tossed the test.

I showered quickly, but couldn't stop thinking of the test, and fished it out of the garbage. Lo and behold there was a faint second line.

I called my nanny up to have a look (is this the line that I want to see?) (don't laugh, I had only used the other tests before!) and she assured me that, yes, it was.

So now here I am, awake at 4.30 am. And I had to pee. So I decided to do a FMU test (and not screw it up.) The control line came up right away, but the rest was pretty blank. (Of course it was, this was all too much to hope for...) It says to leave it flat on the counter for 5 mins. And now it's been that long. I'm a afraid to walk back into the bathroom to see the results.

Why is this such a mindfuck?

Monday, October 18, 2010


And... nothing either way.

The last cycle we did I started spotting on day 12. But this time I've been taking progesterone, so I expect that my period won't arrive until 14dpo, at least.

But the hope is gone. I didn't even buy a HPT. Why waste the money?

I think it's easier this cycle to let go of the hope.

The first cycle i was waaay too freaking hopeful. I mean the previous cycle (although it was 3 years before) resulted in a real live baby. So I knew I could do it. And expected that I would.

This time. Well- that hope is gone. I am reaquainted with the feeling of things not working out.

The reality is that I know what it feels like to be pregnant. I've been there. But I certainly don't feel like I'm there right now.

I am feeling a little like woe is me. But I know that we will jump right back in and cylce immediately (barring any unforseen circumstances).

But- it still hurts. A friend had a baby yesterday. And another told me of her pregnacy (4wks) last week.

On the other hand- life goes on.

Tuesday, October 05, 2010


This cycle has been surreal.

Scratch that. Life has been surreal since we returned from vacation at the end of August.

I feel that I have been running at top speed, unable to catch my breath, for the last 5 weeks. There have been so many changes: Sacha going to preschool 3 days a week, deciding to take on the task of working in my family business, trying to decide what to do with my own business, and more.

I thought I would cycle the moment we landed back in Canada, but while we were away I kept "forgetting" to take my Provera. And the same thing kept happening when we got home. It was (so surprisingly!) the last thing on my mind.

One day I just bit the bullet (and swallowed the pill), and here we are.

Femara- check!
Puregon- check!
Ovidrel- check!
Appointment tomorrow at 7am for sperm donation and IUI- you betcha.

Cycling has been different this time. I just don't have the time and brain power to devote to the worry and the stress. I get enough of that in other walks of life. Also, while secondary IF is painful, I am realizing that having Sacha is cushioning the blow somewhat.

I had the nanny stay late this evening so that The C and I could go for dinner. It seems that we are both pretty excited. I don't know why. I mean I know why, but we have never really sat down before and IUI and had a discussion that included the words hope or excited or what colour will we paint the room.

I know that nothing I think or do now (or tomorrow, or any day from now if an embryo decides to implant itself in my uterus) can change what happens.

Living in the moment, I am.

(For I am certain that this mild euphoria will fade swiftly during the 2WW...)