Friday, July 28, 2006


I won't keep you insuspense any longer. Here is the down and dirty on the semen deposit.
The C rushed home after work to change, and we headed out to the lab. Upon walking in, it looked like a pretty nice joint. It was in abuilding that was formerly a bank, so that was pretty bizarre. It wasn't busy, there was just one other couple there, and a little boy who was running around being silly and cute. We checked in with the receptionist, which was a somewhat long process, for reasons unknown. Due to this long registration time, the line behind us grew. One person, another person, yet another. We were already told that we would be provided with the facilities of the "public washroom", so all the people around were making me a bit nervous.
At last The C was handed a receptable and pointed toward the bathroom. THE BATHROOM WHICH WAS IN THE WAITING ROOM. As in you walk out and you are looking at all the people in the waiting room. Well, The C didn't hear where the receptionist said to go, so I repeated "to the washroom right behind us" maybe a little too loud. I think this embarassed him a bit (duh!) so he just turned and headed straight there. At which point the recptionist wispered to me (thank goodness she had the decorum to wisper!): "Sometimes couple wait till the waiting room clears out, and then go in together..."
But The C, he was already at the door to the washroom! What was I to do? I ran after the man! We closed the door behind us and broke out into a fit of giggles. Here we were in a bathroom smack dab in the middle of a waiting room, and he is supposed to get it on like this? The room was small, clean, without "paraphernalia", and worst of all: freezing cold. "Holy shit!" exclaimed The C, "It's fucking cold in here!" Again, giggles. Anyways we set about doing what had to be done. I don't know how long it took, but it felt like it was NEVER going to happen.
When it seemed like it was just about to, The C called for the container. Into which he deposited, oh, about two thirds of a sample. The rest landed in drops on the floor. The two of us were in hysterics. The C turned to the sink to wash up, and we discovered that the sink did not work. Ok, mildly gross. We could have been pointed to the other washroom, the one where the was undoubtedly a WORKING FAUCET! But no. We wiped up the best we could, drew in a deep breath and faced the issue of leaving this centrally located room together. Open door, walk directly to receptionist to hand in our homework, and boot it outta there.
Two steps out the door: "I think we were loud," said he.
This was not one of our most intimate sexual encounters, but perhaps one of the funniest. I just hope that the results give us something to smile about...

Wednesday, July 26, 2006


Yes, my period. Very exciting, I know. Today is officially cd2. Finally. I feel like a weight has been lifted from me. 61 days was a very long time.
I know one thing for sure: the homeopathic stuff didn't do it's trick. I needed the "real" shit. I find this really unfortunate. I have been able to treat so many ailments homeopathically, that I am a bit in disbelief that this didn't work. I know there is lots of skepticism about homeopathy, how it works, and how it can possibly work. I also know that for me I have always had positive results. I won't belabour this point, nor will I let it continue to bother me. I'm just surprised, and now the subject is closed. (I certainly won't have to worry about this for another good 50 days!!)
Right... so cd2.
Holy flow, batman. I feel that my old period (pre-pill) ways are back with a vengeance. It's pretty heavy and very uncomfortable. But I know that it will be over in a matter of days and then we can get on with business. And what does business consist of this cycle? I'm so glad you asked, because I would love to share it with you!
When I last visited with my gyn, she gave me a requisition for The C to have a semen analysis. My husband balked at having to abstain for 3 days (ok, a post for another day, people), so he decided that best time to go would be while I was otherwise "occupied". Consider me busy, baby, and let's go wank it. When he called the lab to inquire, he asked what the premises were like. They told him he would go to the bathroom and provide a sample. He feels he would like me to join him, and I am concerned this is a "public" facility. Keep in mind that we are not doing this at a clinic, as we have not yet had out RE appointment (that's in October, for all of you following along at home), it's just in a lab. Ladies, would you mind sharing your experiences with this? I would be so greatful (and so would my husband, I think!)
Also on tap for this cycle: temping! I took my temperature for the first time this morning. I am not investing too much in this thas a means of ovulation predicting. It's more that I want to see what my body is telling me. I am very curious. I also don't know if I will ovulate at all, and want to have a means of measuring. I still haven't decided on the opks, they seem awfully expensive. In any case I don't have to decide for a few days yet!
Lastly, I am to start my clomid 100mg on day 5 (til day 9). Last time with my 50mg I noted some mild bitchiness (I am bitchy on most days anyways, so I'm not entirely sure that it was clomid induced...) I am a bit nervous about the doubled dose and the side effects that may ensue. I am also scared that The C won't "understand". And one more thing: I am worried that if I have very few side effects that it will indicate that I am not ovulating.
So there you have it. Must remember to run out tomorrow and grap some more super plus tampons!
And continue to obsess about all things IF related.

Monday, July 24, 2006


So… I’m still waiting for my period…
If I followed the previously known pattern, it should be arriving tomorrow. Formerly we worked like this: 5 days Provera, and then period five days later. I don’t feel anything going on down there. No cigar, people. Nada. So very frustrating.
I am off on vacation (without the one who holds the sperm) on August 19, and I am really hoping to get some down and dirty action before then. But at this rate: who can tell?

In the meantime I thought I would amuse and confuse you with tales of my brief sojourn in Toronto.
It is no secret that news that you can’t deal well with comes in threes. It always does. Without fail. Let me tell you about a woman I work out with. Her son and daughter-in-law have two boys. On Monday I was informed about the third. Let me also notify you of a daughter of a friend of the family. Married for a year… and happily expanding the family.
At last let’s discuss my wonderful friend whom I visited in the days past. We reveled at the fact that it was practically 20 years ago to the day that we met. We have been through tons together. She comforted me one night when a boyfriend dumped me because I wouldn’t sleep with him. I was her maid of honour at her wedding. And so on. My friend and I climbed into her car on Thursday morning to run some errands in preparation for her beautiful daughter’s second birthday party. We turned left off her street and then right onto the main road. “Before we go shopping” she said, “I have an appointment downtown.” I looked at her quizzically. She continued: “For an ultrasound.” Given the way my week was going I really should have seen it coming. (Three’s a charm!) I was shocked, elated, mad, and excited all at once. My friend told me that she had not told anyone yet, including the parents, but when I told her I was coming she was so excited to tell me and to have me join her at her appointment. Sweet and touching-yes. Incredibly painful-only you guys can imagine.
All through the drive I just kept asking her questions. I was so afraid that if I stopped to really think about it, I would have a complete meltdown. I commend myself on my composure while in the waiting room. I play a daily game I call “How many pregnant women today?” Well this day won hands down. Pregnant bellies here, there, everywhere. It really was a whole lot of too much. As the waiting room cleared out (we were approaching the lunch hour,) my friend inquired about our efforts. Back when we visited in January I told her a bit about not ovulating, and how it was certainly not going to be easy for us. So I provided her with an update, and our rough game plan. For someone sitting there pregnant, a baby who we were both moments away from seeing, she was incredibly understanding and empathetic. It felt good to talk to her. She told me that thought obviously she couldn’t possibly know what I’m going through (duh!) she is here for me, and we can always talk. I appreciated that so so much. Like any other pains that we have seen each other through, she is here for me. Really a true friend.
I bet you’re all wondering about the ultrasound…
It was pretty darn close to the most incredible experience ever. I teared up, she teared up, and she told me how happy she was that I was there with her. I was the first person to see her baby! Amazing. Near the end I looked at the technician and exclaimed “oh my god he’s moving!” Wow. Later my friend remarked: “It’s funny you said he when you referred to the baby. I totally have a feeling it’s a boy.”

What doesn’t kill us will only make us stronger.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006


So I've been running around like a chicken with my head sut off the past couple of days. (I'm self-employed, so if I don't do the work, it just doesn't get done.)
I'm off to Toronto to visit my friend and her 2 year old daughter and her husband who is the owner of the quote upon which my blog is named. (See above!) I love my friend dearly, and her baby too. We are making a party for her second birthday, and I know there will be at least 4 other kids there (aged 1 month to 2 years.) I am looking forward to having some time off, and some fun, and am so hoping that the party won't be as difficult as I think it might be.
I'm sure I will have plenty to say on my return.
Till then, thanks so much for the opk advice and hints. I actually still have not gone out and purchased any product. Today is day 4 of the Provera prettiness. I still have a few days till I start to bleed.

Friday, July 14, 2006


I just counted and it's day 50, folks. Yup, that's right, the big 5-0. O.M.G.
I am calling the homeopathic provera a bust, and going out to fill my provera and clomid prescriptions this aft. I am so very frustrated. I really had faith in the homeopathic route to bring on my period. It's very disappointing. I don't know why it hasn't worked... Is it becasue my body is so screwed up?
Really I would wait a bit longer, but this is my problem: I am going on vacation August 19-without The C. So let's say I take my provera like a good girl tomorrow, cd1 will probably be July 20. As per my dr's instructions, we are supposed to start our baby-making sex on day 11, and continue (on a specific scedule) until at least day 21.
(I know it is baffling that we are actually using s.e.x. as a method of conception, but let's not forget that my appointment with the RE is still 3.5 months away, and this is the best that my GYN can offer me at the moment.) But i digress. Back to the calculations.
So cd11 will be July 30, and cd21 will be August 9. This is all assuming that I O on or around day 14-20; and 2. that I actually O at all. (!!!!!) Man, this is getting to me. And I haven't even started at the clinic yet. In any event, should I actually conceive this month, the end of my 2ww (if I O around day 14, and we consider this a 28 day cycle, even if I don't get my period unless I take provera,) will be while I am on a cruise with my mother. Who doesn't know about our "efforts". What am I going to do? Take a pee stick on the cruise? What if I'm pregnant (From my mouth to Gd's ears.) What if I'm NOT?

Oh ya, and one other thing: about OPKs... Can you guys please help me out because I'm a moron. I want to know for certain (as certain as you can be with OPKs) that I am ovulating this month (or that I am not.) So I want to use some OPKs... I have looked in the drugstore and I don't see them on the shelf. WHERE DOES ONE FIND THEM? And what is your recommendation on them? Please for the love of all things holy, help me out!
Umm... Thanks.

Thursday, July 13, 2006


I stole a bit from Flygirl's comment there. That is the "it will kill me" part.
Consider this post a suite to my previous one.
My wonderful friend, and I were having dinner last night. We got onto the topic of friends of her's that are ready to have a baby. They are two awesome women who are going to be great moms. My friened mentioned that they were doing IUI*, and I didn't want to be nosy and ask any specifics (have they tried yet? do they have a clinic? What is their protocol?).
And I also thought: If they get pregnant before me then I will just DIE.
Thanks for telling me that I am normal, people. But I feel so mean. I know so many people who have gotten "oops!" pregnant (never mind those that conceived in the first month of "trying"), that the inability for me to conceive is so much more apparent to me.

*Acutally she referred to it as "the turkey baster route"... to which I advised her that she not call "it" that when speaking to them.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006


A friend and I met for lunch the other day (my one friend who know about our infertility, but who recently I've found that I just can't share everything with.) We were walking down the street and discussing her going off the pill (not to get pregnant, but because she doesn't want to take the pill. She really is not in the market for a family at the moment.) We joked around about this a bit until the issue of her possibly getting pregnant by accident came up. To which I said with complete seriousness "Then I might kill you."
I instantly hated myself for saying something that was so selfish (ie: if you have a child before me that would make me want to commit murder), and that was the utter truth.
When did I become so bitter?

Sunday, July 09, 2006


My cycle that is.
(In answer to the question when will it end in relation to infertility and me-I am too scared to think of that answer. Because I fear it won't be anywhere near "soon".)
So ya. Just calculated and I am officially on CD 46. Holy shit!
I do have my prescription for Provera sitting right here under my keyboard, but I really am trying to give my homeopthic remedy a chance. It has been 4 days now. Usually when I take the Provera my period cames 4 days after my last of 5 doses. So I will wait. Which will make this cycle even longer. Which is a little depressing. Which blah.
Last week I raised a point to my one freind who I discuss IF with: If my cycles last 45 days, that means that I only have 8 chances in the year to get pregnant. Whereas someone who has a 28 cycle has 13. As I inch higher in my cycle, 8 times is becoming 7... And this is not making me happy. When I was with my doctor last week we joked about how I will probably only get in one more cycle before my appointment with the RE in October. Some fucking joke. As this rate that really looks like that's what going to happen. The anxiety is mounting as I right this.
Had a mega fight with The C this morning. BIG and UGLY. In the middle of it I was thinking to myself that it could just be hormones. But then I remembered... I'm not on anything at the moment. So much for that excuse. Apparently I was being bitchy all on my own. (For those who care, the fight was about washing the screens and the windows.) Whenever we have a fight about something that is (in hindsight) insignificant, I find myself wondering if we should be having children. I worry abought fighting like this in front of the kids. I worry about fighting like this about issues that have to do with the kids. Ha! talk about jumping the gun! "Kids", she says! In plural!
I'm not sure where I'm goiong with this. I just feel like crap and need to get it out. I wonder how we are going to deal with our infertility as time ticks on. How supportive will The C be when (if) if comes time for IUI? What about IVF? What about helping me with shots? Dealing with the side effects? Fighting makes me question everything. And become a bit irrational.

Friday, July 07, 2006


Well Angie went ahead and tagged me. Since I have nothing else going on at the moment, I figured I would use up so blog space with this. And of course you can find out a bit more about me. (You know... things other than my cycle and my bitchiness, and my potty mouth, and my ability to attract the most asshole of heathcare workers.)

7 things I would like to do before I die
1. Have some heathy children (is that #1 on everyone's list or what?)
2. Travel around the world, visit every continent
3. Ride a motorcycle
4. Speak Portuguese fluently
5. Design and build the house of my dreams
6. Watch my children grow up and have families of their own
7. Live happily ever after

7 things I can't do
1. Touch my toungue to my nose
2. Play piano
3. Play teams sports (I'm just not coordinated enough)
4. Drive slowly
5. Eat olives
6. Say no to ice cream
7. Lie with a straight face

7 things that attracted me to my husband
1. His smile
2. His cute bum
3. That he's Portuguese (I thought that was sooo exotic when we met!)
4. That he is so passionate about so many things, but most of all me
5. He has a great relationship with his family, especially his mama
6. That when I invited myself up to his dorm room, he obliged (haha!!)
7. His hight (he's not much tller than me-we are both short, and so we look very cute together)

7 books that I love
1. The Time Traveller's Wife
2. She's Come Undone
3. Fall on Your Knees
4. The Poisonwood Bible
5. Stones From the River
6. Bridget Jones's Diary (Please don't kill me!)
7. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

7 Movies I'd watch over and over
1. Beaches
2. Dead Poets Society
3. Man on the Moon
4. Dirty Dancing
5. I Heart Huckabees
6. Top Gun
7. Forest Gump

Tuesday, July 04, 2006


I didn't realize the quantiy of f-bombs laid in my last post. I certainly didn't mean to offend anyone. I was just so angry. I have always sworn alot, I think I inherited that from my mother. In any event, I will certainly watch my potty mouth!

In other news, non fertility related, The C and I had a lovely trip to wonderful Pittsburgh this weekend. We went for our friends' wedding reception, and it was a blast. We partied with some friends we hadn't seen in a while. OH. BOY. Did we party. I drank like a non-pregnant person, becasue, well I am not. I hadn't had a drop of booze for 48 days, so it went right to my head, and alll the other right places. It was FUN. We danced, we sang, we acted like we were 18 again. And nobody even talked about babies (making them, having them or wanting them.) A breath of fresh air. The drive home took us 10 hours, and aside from the extreme uncomfortableness of the car, I rather enjoyed spending all that uninterrupted time with The C.

I just came home from picking up my homeopathic provera. I'm excited to see if it does it's magic. Bring on the period, honey! I will certainly keep you posted on how it works with me. I do have to say that tough I see my homeopath regularly, I'm not sure how to explain how homeopathy works, and all the intricacies of the field. I do know that my remedies (and I take various types for different things,) certainly help me to feel good, balanced, and over all well. All these things are good for creating a positive environment for a baby to grow inside me. If you guys are interested, I strongly suggest you contact a homeopath in your area to find out more. My homeopath seems quite confident that she can help with my infertility.

In another bit of randomness, I thought I would recount my conversation with the receptionist at my doctor's office.
Me: Hi, this is Ms. C calling. I had a pregnancy test and I would like the result.
Her: Hold on
Me: (listening to cool 80's music on hold. about 2.5 songs play, along with some ads.)
Her: Who's this?
Me: Ms. C
Her: What's your hospital card #?
Me: One sec, have to go get it, sorry!
(I come back with card, and tell her number)
Her: Hold on
Me: (Holding and thinking that perhaps I have reached my fill of soft rock for the day)
Her: Well I don't see a pregnancy test here, I see some other stuff...
Me: Yes, I had a Beta HCG
Her: Yes, BHCG, I see that
Me: (I know I'm not pregnant, but still, you know that little glimmer of something that may be recognized as the faintest bit of I don't know? hope?)...
Her: Right, well, it's less than 1, you're not pregnant, goodbye.
Me: (to dial tone) .....

I have to ask you, people... Do I do something that makes people treat me in these weird ways?

Happy Canada Day (3 days ago), and Happy 4th to you all!