Tuesday, October 31, 2006


Some important stuff, and some less important stuff:

1. I am sick. I hate being sick. I am a big baby when I am sick. It really sucks. I know everyone gets sick, but still, I hate this feeling. I am not going to dwell for fear that The C will call me a hypocondriac again. (Like he did last night. OK, moving on.)

2. The post below that states that I am a Frappacino? It is so right. I heart a Frap.

3. Thalia corrected me about about something. She said: "Btw it's LH:FSH that is high in ppl with PCOS - often about 2:1" You know what? SHE'S RIGHT! (Go figure.) Thanks for pointing out my error. The last thing I want is to misguide people. For the record my LH:FSH at last check was 6.3:4.4 (not on CD3, just a random day of an anovulatory cycle.) Not exactly 2:1, but enough of an indicator, I s'pose.

4. A couple of you mentioned that if I wanted to know when and if I ovulated I should temp. Yes, I totally agree with you! However: I tried one cycle, and I couldn't temp consistently. It was a mess. I often get up in middle of the night to "use the facilities", and when I get back to bed I don't have 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Also, I often wake up before the alarm goes off, which means that even if I don't get up in middle of the night, my waking times vary. All that being said, I had full intentions of temping this cycle, but I got my period unexpectedly while away, and did not have my thermometer. I am going to try my darndest next cycle when I take the Fem.ara.

5. THE HSG. Right. That thing. Turns out I went for a hysterosonogram, not a hysterosalpingogram. So I was injected with saline solution instead of "contrast material". And I had a transvaginal ultrasound, not an x-ray. I was a bit confused, but was told that they essentially show the same things. (Now that I think about it I remember the nurse telling me that I can do the test at the clinic, and they use a saline solution. Or I could do it elsewhere, wait a long time, pay less, and they use the other stuff. I opted to do it "in house".) RESULTS: all is normal.

6. It should be noted that the clinic where I went to do the procedure I was formerly referring to as an HSG was the first clinic I went to, not Clinic#1 with The World's Best Doctor. (They do not do this procedure at Clinic #1, so it was suggested that I keep my appointment there.) Let me tell you something: I am so happy that I explored other options and waited out the 7 months to see TWBD! All my gut feelings that I had about the first clinic seemed to be solidified. The docotr who preformed the procedure didn't talk to me. When he said "there's you uterus", and I said "where?", he totally ignored me and kept working... When he said "oh everything is fine, can you see?", and I said "no, what should I be seeing?", he was already removing the catheter and telling me to get dressed. To top it all off, of course this was not the same RE that I had my original consult with. EEEKS! I asked for a photocopy of all the tests they had done to date, and ran screaming for the hills! Going back to the other clinic, I realized just how great Clinic #1 is.

7. All my worry about driving? I could have driven right after the procedure. The cramps weren't too bad. The rest of the day I was pretty uncomfortable, but nothing you hadn't warned me about. In the end my wonderful friend drove me, sat with me throought the procedure (and therefore can attest to the uncommunicative doctor), and drove me home. She really is the best, and I am lucky to have her as my friend. And it's not like I'm sucking up to her. She doesn't read this blog. That's how great a friend she is: she knows the blog exists, and doesn't read it. Really, can you ask for more in a friendship?

8. National Infertility Awareness Week Announcement (In which I think the nation that is being referred to is the United States, and I live in Canada, but whatever, I will take any chance to spread some awareness, and not mention this fact again this week.)
CBC Newsworld has a special on Thursday, November 2, at 10:00pm on Hot Type called "Desperate for Babies". They will be looking at books that discuss IF, IVF, Donor Sperm and Eggs, and surrogacy. Hopefully from a Canadian perspective.
CBC Newsworld is a cable channel in Canada, and I believe is available on Sattelite across North America.

Monday, October 30, 2006


'Til I post the results of my HSG. Which I am on my way out the door to. Wish me luck, people.

You are a Frappacino
You Are a Frappacino
At your best, you are: fun loving, sweet, and modern
At your worst, you are: childish and over indulgent
You drink coffee when: you're craving something sweet
Your caffeine addiction level: low

This post has been brought to you by suggestion of KE and Mel.

Also to come: Posts on National Infertility Awareness Week. Stay tuned, sisters.

Friday, October 27, 2006


"I can't wait to see what you write about this appointment," said The C as we emerged onto the street yesterday.

Let's begin by labeling this clinic Clinic #1.

Because, OMG, that’s what it is. Here is a full description of the appointment worth waiting for (formerly known as the appointment I made seven months ago.)

The C and I walk through the door into a small reception area decorated in sunny yellow and royal blue. “You must be Ms. C,” says the receptionist who has battled with IF herself. (I immediately forgive the black and white massive arty photograph of a newborn resting in the palm of an adult’s hand that is hung on the wall behind her.) We take care of some paperwork and take a seat in some rather comfy chairs to wait for the doctor.

CLOMP, CLOMP, CLOMP is the sound we hear coming down the hall. A tall man reminiscent of Kramer emerges from behind the wall. He’s wearing royal blue scrubs with “The World’s Best Doctor” along with 5 stars embroidered on the back. And he’s also wearing wooden clogs from Holland. You know, the ones the tourists buy, with windmills and pastoral scenes painted on them. He mouths something garbled and mimes for us to stand up and follow him into his office. The C and I nearly piss in our pants laughing.

The nurse joins us, and explains that The World’s Best Doctor has laryngitis, so she will sit in to help communicate. So all the mime stuff: because the poor man can’t talk today. Let’s just say that this added much interest to our appointment. I liked him instantly, and felt very comfortable even though the man could not talk. I was at ease in his office which had fun doodads, colourful furnishings, and no grand doctor’s office desk for him to hide behind while he discussed our future children.

We cut through the crap immediately by showing the doctor all our previous investigations. PCOS-check! He noted my blood test showing elevated E2 (which I was previously told was normal); my high FSH:LH ratio (which I was also previously told was normal) (do I have the ratio correct btw?); and my previous ultrasound reporting polycystic ovaries. He immediately indicated that he wanted to do another ultrasound, as I was on CD5, so he would get a good indication of what was going on himself. At taking a look at The C’s semen analyses he noted the inconsistencies of the 2 tests, and though the results were not abysmal, wanted him to do a third to see where we stand. Off we were to do our tests! But wait a minute- I have a million questions! Not to worry, I was assured, we will discuss everything after we have a look at our girl and boy parts.

I was actually excited for The C to be party to the ultrasound festivities. He was a bit unsure about sitting back while another man fiddled around my hoo-hoo, but soon got over that when he saw the cool stuff on the widescreen tv they have set up on the wall for easy viewing. Verdict: uterus normal, ovaries enlarged, and, duh, lots o’ cysts. Just as he suspected, but content to have seen it himself. All this communicated by the doctor with no voice.

Up next: semen analysis #3. Now I can’t say that their man’s room compared to the other clinic’s facilities, but it was certainly better than a cold bathroom. There was mood lighting, a basket full of mags, and a comfy leather chair. (Oh, and another large black and white arty photo of a nude man and nude pregnant woman. I don’t know… is this a turn on? I was laughing to myself the whole time I was helping The C. I chose to ignore it… this room isn’t really meant for me, after all.) We handed over the specimen to the nurse who asked us to wait in the waiting room until the sperm liquefied.

When this happened, we were ushered into the lab to have a look at our swimmers which were magnified and projected on a computer monitor for us to have a look at!!! We were both loving this participation. Normal, Normal, NORMAL people! Everything looked good. And we had a count of 28.8 million. Not off the charts, but certainly plenty to work with! The C looked mighty proud.

Back in the World’s Best Doctor’s (and I was starting to see why he wore this on his shirt) office I got all my questions answered and we discussed a game plan. We went over the Met.formin bit, and he was glad that I was on it and tolerating it well. I should certainly continue working my way up to 1500mg a day. He definitely feels that while the Met will help out in this whole process, on its own it will not make me ovulate. (To me that was good news and bad news… Good: let’s get going!; Bad: this ain’t no easy PCOS.)

It was really unfortunate that I am already on CD5, as he would have started right away. RIGHT AWAY??!! Well yes indeed! But, ummm… my periods aren’t regular, how long are you going to make me wait? (Really I wanted to yell: HOW MUCH LONGER AM I GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD??!!) “No problem, Ms. C. Here is your prescription for 14 days of BCP. After you take them your cycle should start 3-7 days later. CALL US on CD1, and we will get started!” (I was told that TWBD would be out of town on a conference Novemeber 17-20, so I should time myself accordingly.)

So our first game plan:
14 days BCP to bring on period and reduce amount of cysts in ovaries
CD3 blood work and ultrasound (I get my CD3 bloods!!)
Femara for 5 days (not sure of dose, I do not have the prescription yet.)
Continue monitoring for ovulation
Try naturally this cycle (ie: sex-on-demand)

Of course I am not thrilled about the sex-on-demand, as I am not convinced it will work (even given the “normal” status of The C’s sperm.) But I do have some action, and we are not talking about Clo.mid, so I am still on the good side of thrilled. Also, I know TWBD has to start somewhere… and getting me to ovulate is on the top of his priorities.

As for my questions, I used the same list as with the previous clinic:
Will I always see you (TWBD) when I come in? Yes, always. Except on rare weekends where there will be another RE available. This is ok with me… the man is entitled to a day off.
Will you preform all my procedures? Yes. Ultrasounds and inseminations.
So your role exactly? He is the one who is going to make it all happen.
When I call with questions who should I/will I get to speak to? There is the receptionist, the Nurse, TWDB and a technician at the clininc. My questions will be directed accordingly and answered within 24 hours, depending on the urgency.
Can I leave messages for you? Yes.
Do you have one nurse who is assigned to work with your patients? There is only one nurse at the clinic. She works with all the patients.
Are all procedures done in the clinic? Yes in terms of IUI, IVF, Egg Retrivals, etc… But they do not do HSG, so I will keep my appointment at the other clinic to get this done.
So you will know me by name from here on in? Absolutely. They purpose is to provide personalized care, one on one. I will not be a random file. This is why I had to wait 7 months to be seen.
So it won’t be another 7 months till I get to speak to you again? Certainly not! We will see you as soon as you give us the call that you have started you cycle! Let’s get cracking!

So Clinic #1 and The World’s Best Doctor it is! Let’s hope they live up to their names.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006


I just received a phone call to confirm my appointment at Clinic-Original for tomorrow. Say that with me, people: TO-MOR-ROW. I have waited 7 months for this, and it is finally here.

It's true, two weeks ago I did see another RE (Dr. H). Who offered some Pro.metrium, ordered some bloodwork, put the request in for an HSG, sent me home with a six month script for Met.formin, and not much else. Like information. Or statistics. Or plans. (I like plans! I need to know what's going on!)

It's also true that I didn't push too too hard because I saw this as a practice run for my appointment with Clinic-Original. I have had two weeks to think about my taking of the Met.formin. (How is it going? More on that later.) I am determined to get what I came for tomorrow. I'm talking strategy and plan of attack. I have decided that I can't deal with the "take the Met and see if you ovulate" approach.

These are my issues that I am dealing with:
I need a time frame: how long will we wait to see if I have ovulated? Like I said before: I don't think I am willing to wait longer than 3 months.
How will I know if I am ovulating? I want to be monitored.
What if I ovulate and The C's sperm can't do it on their own. How long are we going to wait till we move to IUI?
If I don't ovualte with the Met alone, I will ONLY do one more round of Clo.mid. And I hate the stuff, so I will be adamant about doing it with IUI.
Also: Day 3 blood tests, hello? (See below regarding potential issue with this.)

I think that when I have my answers to these questions (as well as have a look at how the clinic is run) I will be able to make my decision on where I want to be. I have had a lot of time to prepare for this appointment. Thanks to you guys I think I know a WHOLE LOT about IF, and about what particular issues The C and I are facing as a couple. I am going into this armed and dangerous (with research and information), and will not stand for any dilly dallying.

NEXT TOPIC AT HAND: Met.formin. I am pleased to report that all is well. Today I am increasing my dosage to 1000mg. I will keep you posted on any crappy side effects. (I know, bad pun.)

MOVING ON: My cycle. I started my Pro.metrium on Monday, the 16th, and took it for 5 days. I had a plan. First-did not want to have my period while in Vegas with the ladies. And second-was trying to have days 7-10 fall on a Friday so I could have a friend accompany me for my HSG. Things did not go as planned. Previously when I took Pro.vera, I got my period 7 days after my last pill. NOT SO WITH PRO.METRIUM, people. My flow arrived on Sunday, a mere 2 days after my final pill pop. Smack dab in the middle of my trip, and with the only option for the HSG on a Monday. Thank you Aunt Flo.

So much for nagging Clinic Original for CD3 bloodwork. Who know when I will have my next cycle day 3? WHO KNOWS? Certainly not I. If I wait for the Met to "work", it could be up to 3 months. If I don't wait, but instead do another round of Pro.metrium, say in like 35 days, then I won't know if the Met is working. A catch-22 if I've ever seen one.

Also: the HSG. I have no one to bring me/pick me up. (The C just cannot get more time off at this time. I can't even ask. My mom: same thing.) This really leaves my grandmother, who 1-I don't really want to share this with; and 2-I am scared to get into a car with. The woman really should not be driving anymore. Furthermore, I wanted someone to hold my hand.

FINAL TOPIC: My trip to Vegas. It was a blast. My abs hurt for laughing for three days straight. It was so amazing that we all came together (from different cities) and had more than our usual couple of hours to catch up on each others' lives. I am so lucky to have such fabulous girlfriends in my life. As a group we are crass, dirty, inappropriate, and unembarassable. We danced on the street, grabbed eachothers' asses, and had men applaud our poolside antics. Most of it was caught on video, which will certainly provide ample blackmail material for the future. A well needed and well deserved break from reality.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006


Look at me! I'm winning the Met.formin match!

I started with 500 mg of Met on Saturday, so today would be my 4th day popping said pill. Days 1 and 2 saw a fair share of toilet action from the rear end, and also some bloating. Yesterday wasn't too bad, and so far today not too bad either. When I say not bad I mean that a bit of acid reflux and some gas is definately tolerable if this drug yeilds its desirable results. I would up my dose to 1000 mg tomorrow, but I decided to hold off on that as I am meeting my girlfriends in Vegas over the weekend. The girl with the runs and gas is no fun in a hotel room packed with the ladies! So Tuesday it will be for that advancement. I hope I adjust just as easily.

Today is also day 2 of Pro.metrium. I haven't taken this before, but I have doen Pr.overa 3 times. If all goes as planned I should be welcoming my flow next Friday, the day after my 1st appointment with RE-O. If he orders day 3 bloodwork (which Dr. H didn't, and I am surprised, is anyone else surprised? I do have recent blood analysis, but it is not from day 3), then I will be all set to do so under his watch, if I so choose to proceed with him. It also means that my HSG will fall somewhere in the following week. So many things to look forward to!

Here is my question of the day: What is the difference between Pr.overa and Pr.ometrium? I know they are both progesterone used to bring on a period, but why would my gyn prescibe Pr.overa and Dr. H prescribe Pro.metrium? Are there advantages to either? Disadvantages? Has anyone used both and noticed any difference?

And finally today, I must send out the biggest hugs to you all! Not only did you stick with me to read through my last post, but your comments, suggestions, advice and anecdotes were so helpful to me. It is so amazing to feel like I am not alone in this journey. I can't even describe the warmth I feel because of all the support that you have shown me. This is one hell of a tough ride, and I want us all to get off soon (with babes in arms), but in the meantime I am thanksful to have you by my side.

Friday, October 13, 2006


Again, thanks to all of you wonderful friends who supported me through the great medical records fiasco of 2006 (GMRF). I am actually quite over the whole situation, I'm left more with a "fuck them" feeling than anger towards what happened. What I am not over is my mother's reaction to it all: "You should bring them a coffee next time you go, to suck up to them a bit." Ummm... First off-I don't feel the need to suck up to them; second-it is likely that I won't be back there. (To which my mother replied in horror: but then where will you go? I guess I will have to talk about my mother's reactions to our IF in another post.)

Now that the GMRF is dealt with I can finally move on and talk about what I have intended to talk about this whole week.

The Urologist, The RE, The C and Me

First the appointment with the urologist on Wednesday. We both really liked Dr. C. He was not alarmed at all by The C's 2 sperm analyses, and suggested he do a third analysis as a "tie breaker", so we will have a pretty good idea of what's happening down there. Dr. C also told us that it is not unusual to have sperm charactersitcs that The C's tests showed, seeing as he had undescended testicles that were corrected with surgery when he was about 6 years old. He did say that if everything were to be normal (my words, not his) with me, it is likely that his sperm would be able to impregnate me. (As all is not normal, I am not holding my breath, but this was interesting to know.) The C then had some blood drwan to look at his hormone levels, and we made a follow-up appointment where the doctor will preform a testicular ultrasound. (Really, the doctor seemed more concerned in checking out that all was ok in The C's package in terms of cancer etc... becasue of his undescended testicle issue, than with the semen analysis. I know this is most likely due to the fact that I don't ovulate, and we certainly have to correct that issue more than the sperm issue. He did reassure us that there was plenty of sperm for IUI.) Follow-up appointment: December 9. (The C can't take any more time off than he has already asked for until December.) We enquired that if we decided to go with another clinic for me, would Dr. C still see us at this clinic for the C. He said yes.

Next up: the RE, who we saw yesterday. The C was thankfully able to come with me as it was not busy at work (as opposed to Wednesday when he walked out and it was like a zoo.) We met with Dr. H who seems to have lots of experience in the field. He took a look at all the reports that I brought him, and took a history of what we have done so far. He was satisfied with the findings of the ultrasound that I had in April (ie: PCO-like ovaries), noted that all my bloodwork that my gyn had ordered looked good, and had little interest that the 2 cycles of Clo.mid that I tried didn't work.
With all this info under his belt Dr. H proclaimed that I must take Met.formin, as it has an 80% chance of inducing ovulation in me. And if I ovulate, it is possible that The C's sperm will do the trick naturally. And declared that if I do ovulate using the Met.formin, and I still don't get pregnant, he has no problem moving on to IUI.
In terms of testing he wants me to do an HSG (duh! But which I am afraid of doing having read all the accounts here in the blog world), and STD testing for me and the C. Of course, the HSG has to be preformed between CD7-10, so he prescibed Pro.vera to bring on my period. And also a prenatal vitamin, because HORRORS! why have I not been taking one up until now?! (I pointed out the obvious-that there was no way I was getting pregnant, so why waste the money.)
Then it was my turn to ask the questions. I had a page and a half full, and told him to hold on to his seat. He did not seem at all put off that I had tons to ask. Most of the questions were about how the clinic is run, as we are trying to make a decision about whether to go with this clinic or another one where we have an appointment in 2 weeks time. Below are the answers to some of the most pertinent ones.
Will I always see you (Dr. H) when I come in? No. There is a team of 5 or so REs. I will always see one of them, but not always Dr. H as he is not there every day.
Will you preform all my procedures? Again, no-it will be the doctor who is in the clinic that day.
So your role exactly? He is more like my case manager.
When I call with questions who should I/will I get to speak to? Usually a nurse will be available to answer my questions. If I need to speak to a doctor, I will speak to the one who is there that day.
Can I leave messages for you? Yes, but he won't return them until the day that he is in the office. But he assured me that there is always someone there to answer my questions, and that they work as a team of docotrs and nurses.
Do you have one nurse who is assigned to work with your patients? No. There are 5 nurses and they all work with everyone.
Are all procedures done in the clinic? Yes, all except those that need general anesthetic (ie: lap)
Which hospital do you operate at? I was satisfied with this answer (there are about 5 hospitals in the city.)

Throughout this question period I had time to process the "treatment" he was prescribing for me at this point, and had a whole other host of questions.
How long will we wait to see if the Met.formin works (ie: induces ovulation)? I couldn't get a clear answer from him. It was more of a let's wait and see. He did say (rightly so) that the Met.formin takes time to build up in the system. It won't work "right away", and so I am taking the Pro.vera to bring on a cycle so we can get the HSG done (which he he believes will be clear.) I got the feeling it was more of a we will know if it works, because I will be getting my period. (For the record, I am willing to give it about 2 cycles time before raising hell.)
So let's say I get my period... will that indicate 100% that I am ovulating? It will indicate 99.9% that I am ovulating. Because I don't get my period now without ovulating (as with some people), if I do bleed, it will be because i ovulated.
So I keep getting my period (the Met.formin is working)... but I am not pregnant, now what? We will move on to IUI to help the sperm get where they need to be.
What if the Met.formin doesn't help me ovulate? Then we will move onto other drugs. (I didn't push him on this, I know what the other drugs are thanks to you guys.) He did reinforce the fact that 80% of PCO women ovulate with Met.formin, so that gives me a very good chance. He pointed out that if I had an 80% chance of winning the lottery, wouldn't I buy a ticket? Yes indeed.

These are the things that I am taking away with me from our appointments:
1. The C's sperm is ok. Not great, but ok.
2. Met.formin may work, let's give it some time. (I am not willing to wait longer than January to give it time.)
3. My gyn suggested months ago that I take Met.formin. I am kicking myself now for refusing on the basis that I had heard horror stories about the side effects. Because here I am months later with the same thing from a different doctor.
4. 80% isn't bad, but I am likely to fall on the 20% side.
5. Dr. H seems open to moving on in treatment. IUI and even IVF were mentioned liberally throughout our conversation.

And my conclusions about the clinic:
1. I don't like that I won't always see Dr. H (or the same doctor consitently.)
2. I don't like that he won't answer my questions until he has a day at the clinic.
3. I like that there is a team of doctors and nurses that work together so that there is always someone available.
4. I am worried that because of the team approach I may get lost in the shuffle, or may get conflicting opinions from the docotors on how to proceed with treatment.
5. They run a busy and successful clinic, so should my concerns really worry me? They are obviously doing right by many other couples.
6. I like the personal touch, and personal attention. I don't know if I will be getting that here.

General Conclusions:
I have an appointment with another RE [RE-Original] (The original clinic that I made an appointment with 7 months ago, but am still waiting to see) in 2 weeks. I will hold off making any decisions until then. I am going to start taking the Met.formin, becasue it is likely that RE-Original will prescribe it anyways. I will start the Pro.vera, so I can get the ball rolling for the HSG, which I am certain RE-O will also want me to have. As a matter of fact, CD 7-10 will fall after my appointment with RE-O, so if I decide to go with RE-O and not Dr. H, I can do the HSG at RE-O's office, or I can do it at Dr. H's Office and have them send the results to RE-O. Also, I can have all the bloodwork that I have had done at Dr. H's clinic transferred to RE-O, if I decide to go with RE-O. At this point, it's a bit of a win-win situation, though I still don't see any pregnancy happening in my body anytime in the next number of months...

One final thing (I know... ENOUGH ALREADY! With all my rambling posts, this may be the longest yet.)
Ladies who have taken Met.formin: Can you please share your experiences with me?
What were your reactions to the medication?
Did it help you ovulate?
Did you get pregnant?
How long did you take it before you decided to move on?
Did you continue to take it as you persued further treatment options?
What is your PCOS like?
(And thanks in advance...)

Over and out.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006


For posterity I will bang out what happened when I called back the docotr's office yesterday.
As per my instructions, I made the call at 11:15 (I didn't want to seem too nudgy, so I waited a bit.) The nurse answered, and told me to hold on, she would get the doctor on the phone, she was just in the examining room with a patient. Ok... so I waited, and waited... and waited.
Finally, the nurse came back on the phone and said, "Ms. C, it's a disaster here today, just come in to talk to the doctor." Alright, so I did.
And when I got there the waiting room was packed... with wildly pregnant women. Loads of them. I gave in my medicare card, and sat down and waited. And waited. And waited. And then the nurse came out and announced that the doctor had to go to the hospital for a delivery and wouldn't be back for at least an hour. When the waiting room cleared I went up to the receptionist and told her I was here to get my records. She sent me to the back to the nurse's desk. As I approached the back the nurse caught sight of me, and said "Ms. C, you can't sit here, go sit in the front!" To which I replied, as the tears started to flow, "Well the receptionist just told me to come back here..." Crying and all, she told me just to sit right there and wait. (I felt like a big baby, but I was a step closer to the records that I came for.
The nurse went about her merry way doing tasks and ignoring me as I sniffling nearby. Finally she turned to me and said, "What do you want exactly? We faxed your husband's semen analysis to Dr. Pfifer."
Me: "We are not going to Dr. Pfifer. We have an appointment with Dr. Chan. And I need the rest of the file because I have 2 other appointments as well."
Nurse: "Well you have to tell me what you want, I can't photocopy the entire file! And who are you going to see?!"
Me: "I don't understand why you can't just be nice to me. All I need are my records. You guys are the doctor's office, you should know what would be relevant to another doctor that I am going to see. It's really difficult to be here sitting in a room of pregnant women, I wish that were me, but it's not. I really wish you would be a little more sensitive to my sistuation, it isn't easy what I am goign through. All I am asking for are my records!"
At which point I FREAKED OUT, started BAWLING, and as a bonus my nose started bleeding.
A lot of back rubbing, calming down, and kind tones ensued. (No one wants a raving lunatic patient in the office!) Also the nurse picked up my file and started photocopying.
Nurse: "I have photocopied allt he test results that we have from you in the past year. I think that will be good. Is there anything else you would like?"
Me: "I'm not sure. Is that all that is relevant? I did have surgery in 97, do I need that?"
Nurse: "I don't think so."
(For the record, I think that is pertinet, so lucky I have my own copy of that report stashed in my personal files.)
Nurse and Receotionist: "If you need anything else, let us know, we will fax it to the appropriate doctor for you."
Me: "Ummm, ok. Thanks." and I got up to leave.
I was almost at the door when the Nurse called me back.
Nurse: "Ms. C, I have this note about Dr. Pfifer."
Nurse: "It seems we weren't able to get in touch with him to get a refferal, so we decided on Dr. Chan instead."
Me: "Thanks for clearing that up." and walked out.
So I walked out with blood on my pants and jacket, wondering what exactly they had faxed to Dr. Pfifer (whom we weren't going to see), with my files tucked neatly inside my book. I still do not understand what all the hastle was about.
I mean really. I have been seeing this doctor for 13 years (and my mother has been seeing her for 25 years). Up until last year I have needed her services once a year for a pap. In the past year I have been to her office 5 times. Until there was an issue to deal with they were happy with my once a year service call. But if the doctor and the support staff think that I am asking too much of them when I actually need their help for the first time in 13 years, I'm not so sure what to think of their service skills...

Thanks to all of you who commented with words of support. This is the reason I have joined the blogging community. I can't imagine having been able to get through yesterday without you. Someone mentioned not returning to this doctor, and I am seriously thinking about it. At least I don't have to go back to that office until I am pregnant. At which point I may take my Mommy to stick up for me. (When I told my mother what happened, in a shorter version, she could not believe that they would treat me in this manner. As in: I must have said something rude to have them treat me like that, because they have never been anything but nice to her. Thanks, mom.)
On one hand I feel relief that I am done with the gyn's office for now. On the other hand I am fearful of what lies ahead. What if I am treated like this everywhere I go?

Tuesday, October 10, 2006


First things first: the shower. It was ok. Actually it was fun. And the baby was cute. And gorgeous. And so well behaved. Really, everything you can desire in an infant. This is probably all due to the fact that the mother is amazing. (Such a nice woman that I can almost forgive her for marrying and procreating with a man who dumped me for not having sex with him.) The saving grace was that said guy did not show up at the shower as I was certain that he would. Thank the lord. I really was not looking forward to that interaction.
What did annoy me a bit was the bride-to-be going on and on about how she can't wait to get married so that she can start popping out babies. Because that's what you do: you get married and then boom, get pregnant just like that. We all know how well that works!

(I don't wish to dwell on this today, as I am getting frustrating just writing about it) so, MOVING ON...

Tomorrow we see the urologist.

Digression: I just called my gyn's office. I fucking hate the receptionist. I requested a copy of my records early last week, and I was told they would be prepared in a few days and they would call me to let me know. OF COURSE I never received a call, so I am calling this morning to get this taken care of (as I need the records for tomorrow's appointment!) This is the ensuing converstation:
Me: Hi this is Ms. C, I called last week to get a copy of my records.
Her: You know, this is an emergency line [a fact I did not know], I am waiting for Dr. S to call, You should not be using this line to ask me such questions, call back at xxx-xxxx. [Hang up]
Of course now I am calling the other line (I swear I did not know the number I had was an emergency line! No one ever told me that!), and it's busy. Which I guess is a good thing because if that shit assed receptionist actually piked up the phone the first time I tried the number I might have lost it on her. OOO... this is real time blogging... I just got through, but now am on hold. I will have to restrain myself from yelling at her/letting my emotions get in the way (ie crying) when she comes back on the line. Ooop-here she is, and back on hold I am!

I had to interrupt my real time blogging...
When someone finally came back on the phone, it was the nurse, who said to me: "Ms. C, why didn't you call on the private line?" At which point I LOST it. I started crying. The nurse is a sweetheart, and is always kind to me, but it is rare that the receptionist will let me talk to her. This is how the conversation unfolded:

Me: I just called on that line, and was yelled at for doing so.
Nurse: Well that's rediculous. So you want your records to send to Dr. Pfifer?
Me (really losing it): Dr. Pfifer??!!! (sob sob) You know, this is crazy, I can't get anywhere when I call your office!
Nurse: Ms. C, what do you mean???
Me: I asked for a referral for a urologist for my husband in August, and it took 5 weeks till someone got back to me, and when I finally got a name, it was a Dr. Chan, not a Dr. Pfifer.
(Slight digression: Incidentally, Dr. Chan is who we have our appointment with tomorrow, he is the doctor that works at clinic#2 that we are looking into. When my gyn's office gave me the number to call Dr. Chan, the actually referred me to another office that he works in. Where the hell did Dr. Pfifer come from?)
Nurse: Well your husband should see Dr. Pfifer, and we have sent the records there.
Me: I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! (sob sob) This is all besides the point. I need my records to take to an appointment that I have at a fertility clinic. Actually 2 different clinics. So I need my records! And I don't know what all this is about Dr. Pfifer! Why wasn't I given his name in the first place.
Nurse: Ms. C... Can you call back at 11 on the private line so you can speak to Dr. S? Please do that, ok? (sweetly)
Me: alright. (sob sob)

Why can't they get their act together? Why can they not realize that this is my life, and our chances for a baby that they are screwing with? I am not asking for my records so that I can use the paper to build a bonfire. I am trying to get us some help! Why can't they see how trying this is for me? And be a little sensitive. I am really not asking for much here. A referral to a specialist, a copy of my records. Not difficult tasks. Fuck!

I will get back to the normally scheduled program of PREPARATIONS for tomorrow's urologist appointment and Thursday's RE appointment when I get to the bottom of this reconds crap.

Saturday, October 07, 2006


This afternoon I am to attend a bridal shower for the future daughter-in-law of a friend of my mother. It will be a livingroom full of women in their 50s giggling with the poor bride about condoms and the like (nothing more embarassing, in my opinion!) Aside from me and the bride-to-be, there will two other young women there... with their children aged 3 months and 16 months. How very fortunate for me.
(A digression: the infant is the daughter of a guy I dated when I was 19. This guy dumped me when I wouldn't sleep with him. He is the nephew of the woman giving the shower, and there will be no avoiding seeing him. I add him to the list of people who I hate for having children before me.)
Bridal Showers are the precursors to weddings, which I have not been so happy with these days. The Anonymous Infertile wrote about why wedding make her sad, I couldn't agree with her more. (She wrote about it much more eloquently that I am about to...) Although my wedding was my personal fairytale day, I can't help thinking that my story isn't following the path to the happy ending. And I feel envious of the hope that the married couple-to-be has that everything their future is full of roses and rainbows. Selfish, I know.


Wednesday is our urologist appointment, and Thursday is the RE. I am compiling a list of questions to ask each specialist (which I will try to get down here over the weekend...) I am looking to you guys for support here. What questions do you think I should be asking (this especially for the urologist, as I have no experience with this one!)? I would so appreciate your input, and thanks in advance...

Thursday, October 05, 2006


Yes! Yes! I have a friend. A real life friend. Who blogs about IF.
Ok, she started her blog today, but she's been lurking for a while. She took the leap, so I'm sending all of you to support her.
Her name is Shlomit, and you can find her at You're Still Young*. We met about five years ago when the wtwo of us were embarking on a life changing journey. Since then we have been each others' support through a number of others. The latest is this crazy ride called infertility. I don't really want to share this voyage with anybody (no! not any of you!), but having Shlomit by my side and understanding how I feel every step of the way has helped me tons. She is so kind, caring, strong and compassionate. And unlike most, she usually knows exactly what to say.
She started her blog with a disclaimer stating that she is great at starting new things, but less so at continuing them. I know this is true ablout her, but I hope she will prove us wrong. She has so much to gain by joining our community. We all know about the network of support we provide for each other. But there are other benefits. Like keeping an accurate record of treatments. And having a space to go to when you need to sort out your thoughts.
But ladies! (And gentlemen! Are there any gentlemen?) The best thing aobut Shlomit blogging? Is that she is now here for you. So go visit her, and welcome her to your worlds.

*"You're still Young" ranks right up there with "it could take three months": the stupid shit people say to you when you tell them you're trying to conceive. Shlomit is young... at heart. Her body... not so. Any of you in the same situation, please-PLEASE-run over to introduce yourselves.

Monday, October 02, 2006


Because it's Yom Kippur. But I can't sleep, and I have some shit that is bothering me. (Maybe I can refrain from swearing on this holiest of holy days.)

There are two items on today's "I need to talk about this" list. I will go in chronological order, rather than in order of "weighing my brain down to my toes".

I noted in my previous post my surprise of the lack of nosiness my parents displayed upon us mentioning the time needed for appointments. It seemed we had gotten off easy, for at least a while. Let me state that that while lasted a mere 22 hours.
The following night my parents came over again for dinner. (This time for a bbq, which they do often as they donated their ultra wonderful bbq to us when they moved to a condo.) Dinner was served and we weren't sitting for 2 minutes when my dad says: "I bet you were surprised that we didn't ask you any questions about your appointments. Let me know if this conversation makes you uncomfortable, and we don't have to have it." OMG, the return of the heart palpitations.
I have told you before how much I love my husband. Man, did I adore him at this moment. After only skipping a beat or two, he explained very succinctly that we are trying to have a baby, and it's not working so easily, so we are getting some help.
Ms. C: exhale.
My parents' reply (practically in unison): "Oh, we figured that months ago, and were wondering when you were going to tell us. Which didn't happen, so we figured we would ask."
That was pretty much the end of the discussion for the evening, except for my father joking about 50 too many times how I shouldn't be drinking wine, because I might be pregnant.
How do I feel about how this went? I'm glad you asked. Here is my list on the matter:
1. For some reason, I always imagined this conversation with me crying. I didn't do much speaking, so I stayed pretty calm.
2. The C's taking control over the conversation made it much easier for me too. He is so the greatest in the whole wide world.
3. Seeing as they pretty much already figured out what was going on, we didn't have to go into too many details.
4. "A mother knows her daughter," said my mother. She knew I was off the pill because my face was breaking out, and my chin was sprouting hairs galore (O, PCO symptoms, how I heart thee. One day I will write a post entirely dedicated to you.) Unfortunately, they may not know how long we have been trying, as these symptoms (which I had in my teens) only started reappearing after about 6 months off the pill.
5. Comments like "you shouldn't be drinking wine, you could be pregnant" show that my father doesn't really understand what is going on here. After about 5 more comments in this vein, I looked at him completely seriously and said: "Those comments are entirely inappropriate. Please stop. I am not pregnant."
6. They didn't ask what was wrong, and we didn't volunteer this info. They may think that we have no idea what treatment would be (as far as they know we are just getting medical help starting soon), and it was apparent that they have no idea how infertility (not that we used that word) can be dealt with. I think I'm ok with their lack of knowledge at this point, but what it means is that we will have to have more conversations in the future.
7. Leaving all this aside, they were almost as thrilled to hear it from our own mouths that we want to get pregnant (and give them more wonderful grandchildren!), than if we had actually told that we were pregnant. I was in shock. I always thought that they thought that we should wait for having a family (as sometimes I think they still see me as their baby.) That they are excited is exciting to me.

What we didn't talk about is how emotionally difficult and draining this has been on me so far. We didn't tell them that hearing announcements and progress reports of all their friends' children was very painful to me. Which brings me to thing number two that is so important to get off my chest that I am blogging on Yom Kippur.

Man, this is hard to write without me seeming like an awful person. Here is some background on the situation. My parents have these awesome best friends. I love them practically like they are my own parents. They are the kind of people of an older generation that you wish were your parents sometimes, you know what I mean? These super-duper friends have four sons, the oldest being the same age (within days) as me. Let’s call him Alfred.
Though our families lived on opposite ends of the continent, as we got older we visited with each other lots. I was close to Alfred by default; we were always being thrown together. The summer we were 14 we shared our first kiss. I pretty much see him as my first boyfriend, and though there were other guys in my life throughout my teen years, when ever we met up there was instant attraction. We experienced a number of other firsts together (he taught me to roll my first joint at 17…), so although in the long run it wasn’t destined to work out, he holds a special place in my heart.
In our 20s we moved on with our lives, emailing sporadically, and getting updates about each other from our parents. We met our respective partners, and talked about wedding plans. The C and I were engaged for five years, and I was ok with not being married (I really wanted to finish my master’s first), except, for some nagging reason, I felt the need to be married before Alfred. I don’t know why I felt so competitive about this. I remember telling a friend about this feeling, and she validated it, but still-weird. We did (finally) get married, a year before Alfred and his partner.
I’m not very good at writing suspenseful stories, so we know where this is going, right?
This summer my Alfred’s mom was here visiting and we were preparing dinner together. And she was going on and on about her son planning their family. A familiar thought popped into my head: omg, not before me, we have been waiting so much longer for this! Later in the summer Alfred was in town for a few days. We caught up, and laughed a lot as we usually do when together. It amazes me how well he and The C get along. And then the conversation turned to having kids. And how they were planning. And how if we wanted to start a family, well we should get going because we’re not getting any younger, and well, you know, it could take a few months.*
Anyways. Guess what news we received last night, via my parents (who you would think would be a bit sensitive to pregnancy announcements, now that some of our hardships are out in the open)? You’ve got it! Due in April.
I had anger, pain, resentment, (you name it) boiling in me all night. I am so upset. It’s not fair! I want this too! How come they can have what I can't? Why does it seem like for everyone else all they have to do it talk about getting pregnant and then they are? Why why why?
And as The C said to me: “Why can't you just be happy for them?”

*Please note that this is the second man to tell me how long it might take for us to conceive. The first being my friend’s husband after whose words this blog was named