Friday, December 29, 2006


I must get that last post off the top of my page, but my thoughts about the last week are so scattered I don't really know where to begin. There is so much I want to discuss, however I'm not so sure I can do it all coherently.

Oh, there's some shouting from the audience... Did I just hear someone ask for a list? It seems it is so!

Let's make a deal: I'll list the items that have been on my mind as of late, and you'll let me know which you want to hear more about. Ok? Here we go...

1. I feel like I have moved on from last cycle's negative. Today is cd6, but the clinic is closed, so it doesn't really matter. Since experiencing my first monitored negative (after ttc for 15 months), I have realized that my emotions about myself, my husband, my hope, other pregnant women, and other peoples' infants are cyclical as well. So while I may no longer loathe my body for not giving me a pregnancy last cycle, I am back to feeling pains in my heart when seeing other pregnant women.

2. I think that I had so much hope for last cycle for one reason and one reason only... Anyone read my sidebar? The part where it says "if you don't ovulate, you can't get pregnant"? Last cycle I ovulated for what was perhaps the first time in my entire life. For us, getting me to ovulate was the main hurdle. Ovulation=pregnancy. Of course, that equation didn't balance this time. So while being crushed, I am pretty certain we can get me to ovulate again.

3. Part of my fear from last cycle stemmed from the "what if" of getting a negative, but not getting my period. (Meaning that after all the meds, and all the monitoring I actually was not able to ovulate.) Now I know that though I did O on cd18, my LP was a pretty perfect 14 days. Interesting to know that my body does that right.

4. Though I don't believe much in divine intervention, I must thank someone up above for making certain my family has no infants or toddlers. My brother's 2 girls are 8 and 9 (and both ooops babies), and The C's sister's girls are 10 and 13. So instead of dreading holiday time with the nieces, I was excited about it. The girls are in my favorite age range. You can joke around, play games, tell stories, and just hang out. I treasure my relationship with them dearly.

5. The Chanukah party that I planned for the 23rd was a hit. Lotsa latkes, lotsa dreidles, lotsa fun. Also: tons and tons of cookies. In the 2nd week of my 2ww I went cookie crazy. Baking cookies (as opposed to cakes, or heaven forbid dinner,) fulfilled two important needs during this time: the need to keep busy at all costs, and the need for something sweet.

6. On the 24th we took off for the Toronto area to be with The C's family while they celebrated Christmas. His nieces (not that I don't feel that they are my nieces too, but I say that in effort to distinguish them from my brother's girls,) sang in their church choir for Christmas Eve mass. Being Jewish and all, had the girls not been singing The C and I would not have attended mass. We both felt it was important to support the girls, and I am so happy that we were there. Their singing was so beautiful, and was a wonderful addition to the service. The sound of children's choirs makes my heart melt, and listening to the girls made me feel so proud. When they sang some of my favorite carols (yup, this Jew loves Christmas music!) my heart swelled with pride, and my eyes teared. I wanted to tell everyone around us that two of the beautiful voices up there belonged to my family.

7. I can only imagine how I will feel watching our own children one day.

8. Should I talk about something that doesn't have to do with IF or children? If you look back on all my posts I don't think that I ever have. How about I try.

9. December 26th is my birthday. This year I celebrated my 32nd year on this here earth. I always told people that to me, age was just a number, that its more about how you feel. Until recently I felt like I was still 18. I think I may finally be growing up, but only because I am being forced to deal with things that I really didn't think that I would ever have to. (Oh man, I was trying to stay away from IF, but I guess I can't do it.)

10. I have so much more to write concerning my birthday. Not about "how I celebrated my birthday this year", but more about realizations of what it means to have a birthday at this time of year. It's complicates, and I'm not sure my thougths all make sense, so I best leave it for now.

11. A friend just called an offered to stop by with a cup of Star.bucks in hand. I must shower and dress to prepare for her arrival. This post didn't quite turn out how I wanted it to. I was supposed to give you a list of subjects, and you were supposed to tell me which you wanted to hear more about. It seems I told you all about them anyways. I just talk too much. It's a problem I have. This seems as good a time as any to shut my yapper.

Friday, December 22, 2006


Pee stick, that is.

While yesterday's test may have been broken, it certainly wasn't wrong. This morning's super duper expensive shmensive test (while exhibiting that the plastic is indeed higher in quality, and the design undoubtedly more ergonomic,) showed the same thing. The fat lady has sung. (Insert photo of me singing here.)

To celebrate this occasion I was thinking of throwing a company holiday party (which I previously hadn't planned.) For those of you without the memory of an elephant I will remind you that I run my own business. And I am my only employee. Spouses will not be invited - I don't have a big budget. And it will be so much fun because I have a theme: Pity.

Maybe I will invite somebody else. I need someone who will feel bad for me. No one ever does, they just think that I can manage everything all by myself. I don't know how I can handle this alone...

My clinic re-opens on January 8th. At which time I will be around the middle of my next cycle. I recon I wll get my script for BCPs then, which will mean I will start my next treatment cycle by the begining of February. On top of this 2ww I now have another 4-5ww. It's just shitty, man. (And unfortunately you gals know just how much.)

Thank you so much for your empathetic optimism yesterday. Having you by my side really helps.

Thursday, December 21, 2006


I didn't sleep all night. I chalk it up to a combination of too much garlic in dinner last night and my stress level.

When the alarm went off and The C asked me how I slept, I replied "not at all". "You should test, then... just so you know," said he. "Ya, that's what I was thinking, I can't take this any more."

So I went to the bathroom and grabbed a test knwoing 2 things: 1) I had peed 4 hours earlier in middle of the night; and 2) it's only 12DPO.

I tinkle where it matters, and before I can blink, the darkest negative of all negatives shows up. Here's the clincher (she says, hoping you haven't already clicked over to the comments to express your condolances,) the control line never showed up. Now, I know in my heart of hearts that negative really indicates a negative. But I want to delude myself by thinking that the test was broken to preserve my hope for but 24-48 hours more.

No worries. My broken Wal.mart test came with a buddy. That I will use tomorrow. That hopefully won't be broken. And will show the result that I want.

Ok, now you can go comment. Words of wisdom appreciated.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006


I thought I would be post more during my 2ww. I know I promised a 5 things about me list and Mel's list for 2007. The truth is that I suck. Not alot, but just a bit. I want to get to it, but... Well no excuse, really.

I have been trying so hard to keep myself busy the past 10 days (today being 10dpo thankyouverymuch) . Busy so that I keep myself from counting the second til i can POAS. I have been running through my list a lightning speed (most of the items, and a whole lot more!). I have also found that staying away from the internet actually helps me to not dwell on the ifs ands and buts about the 2ww. I am really trying to just stay sane. And fuck. IT.IS.HARD.

For those of you who have come hither in search of a 2ww update, here ye go:
1. Last week had twinges in ovary/uterus that were definately not from ovulation.
2. This week: not so much.
3. Boobs have been sore all week.
4. My face has broken out like a mad woman this week. Since going off the pill it has been pretty bad (PCOS symp.tom), but this cycle it cleared up reral nice with all the hormones. Now: back to zitty self. is this a good thing? A bad thing? An inconsequential thing?
5. For those of you who have inquired: I'm not on progesterone. Only taking my Met, and vitamins.
6. Emotionally I am up and down. Sometimes I think: wow, this can be it. Other times I'm all: who am I to think that this can work. The rest of the time I've been baking cookies.
7. Had one meltdown on Sunday night while feeling a whole lot less than support from my wonderful (read: doesn't know what I need in terms of support) husband. I really don't know what to say to him. I feel like he is the only person I can truly talk to who should feel the same stress about the 2ww that I feel, becasue well, this is his baby (or not) too. The truth is he spends his time thinking: if this doesn't work then, oh well, we move on. While I spend my time thinking: if this doesn't work then my heart and soul are going to be completely ripped to shreds.

Am I feeling things that are any different than any of us on the 2ww? I think not.

Happy Chanukah to all of you. May you have much joy and warmth in your homes this holiday. My hope is that we are all blessed with the miracles we long for.

Friday, December 15, 2006


What's the word I'm looking for... oh ya, psychosomatic.

Last night, in the midst of my sleep, I awoke with the sorest boobs I have ever had. Could this be a symptom (of you know...)? Is it possible the soreness is caused by the rememnats of my trigger shot from 8 days ago? Or: am I making this up because I want so much to feel something?

(Pretty much can nix that last one: it hurt like a muthafucka to insert breast into bra cup this morning.)

Just thought this crazy broad should update you.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006


I can't say that this is what I imagined the 2ww would be like.

It's amazing that after 16 months of trying to conceive this is really the first wait that I have gone through. I actually ovulated this cycle. I felt it. My hCG shot at 9pm on Friday was to induce ovulation at 9am on Saturday. At about 9.05 The C calls home to ask if "anyting is going on" down there. It was a resounding no. But by 10 onwards I definately felt some action in the nether regions, specifically on the left side where I know the 2 larger follicles are. All I can say is wow. Is this what "normal" women feel every cycle when they ovulate? How amazing!

The days are slinking by at a snail's pace as I try to keep myself busy. Let's take a look at how I am doing on my list of stuff to occupy me.
1. To Come (Keep your pants on, for crying out loud! I'm trying to make it interesting!)
2. Ummm... Ditto. (I wanted to get to this post first.)
3. Party planned. I am making the latkes. I will probably also make apple sauce becasue nothing says "trying to keep busy" more than peeling potatoes and apples.
4. Chanukah presents for my nieces bought; Christmas presents for The C's nieces 2/3 bought.
5. No cookies yet, but I am gathering the recipes.
6. Nope, not yet.
7. Soap? Was I crazy enough to actually think that I would make soap? (If I do, Shlomit honey, you will get the first bar.)
8. Work is so on top of that I am creating projects before I even have the clients for them. Ok, but still have to call accountant to get 2 issues in my bookkeeping cleared up so I can close the year.
9. Not yet. Must leasve something for next week, non?
10. Have to make a date with my grandmother to get wool and get started.
11. Alot less than I would have thought. Allow me to explain...

It is totally in my nature to overanalyse. And also in my nature to try to ignore that I am overanalysing. Hence, I drive myself nuts. The ovulation "pains" on Saturday? It took me a while to actually admit to myself that they were from ovulation because I didn't want to think too much of it. Finally I conceded, because really, what else could they have been? It certainly wasn't my intestines working overtime and giving me pains in my belly. I don't know much about 2ww symptoms, and I am trying not read up anything on them because I know everyone is different. Also, I don't want to overanalyse. And I don't want to drive myself crazy by telling myself that I am rediculously overanalysing. (You see the pattern here?) However, I would be lying if I said that I felt nothing going on in the ovary region. Since Sunday sometime I have felt little twinges of something. I'm not certain how to describe it, but I don't think that a) I am imagining it; and b) that it's because I have to poo with a vengence (therefore causing my abdomen to work overtime, if you know what I mean).

To say I am hopeful is an understatement. The C has convinced me that I will have a much more peaceful 2ww if I think optimistically. He's right, of course. How I think is not going ot change the outcome of this cycle. The work that needed to be done is already done (or not done). It certainly is alot more fun to hope and imagine (as we do together for just a minute or two when The C comes home from work), then to have my head "fill with worms" (as The C refers to my thinking, rethinking, overthinking, and crazythinking). (Ok, I know that's a weird image, but English isn't his first language people!)

So cautious optimism folks. (She says naively at 3dpo. I am certain that I will be lauging at this post in about 6 days.) Off to prepare dinner for tonight. Yes, it's only 8 am, but I must keep busy.

Saturday, December 09, 2006


Nope, that is no typo mes amis! Sexpectations are what you get when you add sex and expectations. Allow me to recount the events of the past 36 hours.

hCG shot-check!
sex at 9:30 pm-check!
burst into tears in middle of sex because omg it is so weird to have sex thinking that a doctor is going to go up my vagina to check out the validity of the activity-check!
uncomfortable post coital test at 9:30 the next morning-check!
lots of sperm swimming around in cervical mucous (which I got to see in the microscope, omg that's so cool!)-check!
sent home to have sex in order to get pregnant-check!

Look, I was pleased as punch that we were getting this opportunity to try to have sex in order to conceive. But... I can't seem to get all this stuff about the ridiculousness of the PCT out of my head. Yes, it was neat-o to see all the sperm in the microscope, but I was left with the feeling that these were the sperm that HADN'T swum up my cervix, and how were we to know based on the amount outside my cervix how many sperm actually HAD made their journey upwards. (See Thalia, I am TOTALLY getting it.)

Upon showing me the results my doctor smiled at me and told me* to go home and have sex last night and this morning. I asked him point blank if doing an IUI would increase my chances this cycle even 1%. He said no. I said: really? He said no, all looked good. Seeing as our issue is me ovulating (which it appears we have taken care of with assorted hormonal cocktails), he doens't see why we shouldn't conceive this cycle. He seemed very positive, and shook my hand and sent me on my way to procreate.

You may be wondering why I didn't push the IUI issue further. Here's why: before leaving for work The C and I had a converstion wherein he told me that he would like to have a go at it naturally. Until now he had just gone with the flow, and never made to many demands. I felt that I should at least give him this.

That was until about noon yesterday when I started having a mild panic attack that I didn't push for an IUI hard enough. I called The C and he heard my panic. I told him that if it really mattered to him I would leave this alone. He said that yes it mattered, but my peace of mind also mattered, so I should call the clinic to talk about this one more time. Except that I didn't want to call the clinic. So he told me he would.

By four o'clock we hadn't heard back from the clinic, so I called and left a voicemail. I didn't hear back from the nurse until this morning, so it's all moot now. (The IUI would have been done at 9:00 am this morning.) She assured me that the doctor really felt this was the way to go. Well it was too late now anyways...

And thus we are left with sexpectations. We did the dirty last night, and again this morning. I feel nothing in terms of ovulation, but I'm not too sure what I should be feeling. It is probably that I have only ovulated a handful of times in my entire life, so this is pretty foreign to me.

What's next? The 2ww of course!

In two weeks my clinic will be closed for two weeks. I am left to my own devices to find out if I am pregnant. No beta for me. My nurse assured me that seeing as I will have ovulated I will definately get my period if I am not pregnant. So I won't be left with any doubts. Being the planner-aheader that I am, I asked her this morning when we spoke if the doctor could set me up with some BCPs should my period come, and she suggested waiting the weeks that they are closed to give my ovaries a rest. Which means that the earliest I will be able to cycle again is at the very end of January.

I certainly don't want to go writing this cycle off yet (I think I will give myself 12 days till I test), so I will save the reasons why a February cycle is not so good for me until I have to think about it.

In the meantime, I am trying to stock up on ideas to carry me through the next two weeks. Here is my list:
1. Finally get to the 5 things about me tag
2. Also get to Mel's 2007 tag
3. Plan our family Chanukah party
4. Buy Chanukah gifts for my nieces, Christmas gifts for The C's neices
5. Bake cookies
6. Try out mini cake pan that I bought on Thanksgiving
7. Make soaps from M.artha St.ewart's Holiday craft book
8. Stay way on top of my work (which I am usually only semi-on top of)
9. Unpack 3 boxes of stuff that are in my spare room
10. Re-learn to knit, and make a scarf that goes with my new jacket (in pink)
11. Worry (read:obsess) about how the holidays (and my birthday on the 26th) will affect me if I get the non-desired result on the 22nd.

I'm certain I can take care of #11, and pretty sure I will get to 1 &2. If any of the others in between happen, you will be the first to know!

Thursday, December 07, 2006


Yup, that's right. But from whom, you ask? Well good question blogger extrordinaires! It's your lucky day because I'm here to provide an answer.

Part One: What I needed to hear from you guys.
There are not enough words in the universe to describe how wonderful you guys are to me. I know I said this yesterday, but I am amazed at the support, empathy, suggestions, and accounts of similar situations that you provide me with. I really don't know what I would do without you. I would probably be at the edge of a cliff, deciding that this is all not worth it, and also impossible. Every day that you visit me, and reassure me, and provide me with (goofy) virtual hugs, I can take a step away from that edge and closer to sanity and understanding. I am so not alone, and though it's fucking crazy that any of us have to experience this, I am so glad to have you.

Part deux: What I needed to hear from The C
After yesterday's appointment I really didn't know what to think. Follicles growing, follicles shrinking. What the hell was going on. Plus, when I tried to talk to TWBD, all I got were mumbles. He "said" that it was all going alright, and this is just part of the process (in actuality he nodded when I asked him yes or no questions.) By the time The C got home form work at 7.30 I was in some kind of state. The minute I saw him I burst into tears and told him about the incredibly shrinking follicles. I let him know that it wasn't only the follie size that was getting to me, but also that I could not communicate with my doctor. I also asked him (knowing that it was next to impossible) if he would come to today's scan wiht me because I really need the support. Without hesitation he told me he would be there. He understood how frustrated I was and how much I needed him with me, even if it meant pissing his boss (my dad!) off. We sat and talked for a while about how our treatment so far was affecting us. I am so happy that we were able to sit and talk rationally about all that has been going on. The C's love and support last night was exactly what I needed.

Part tres: What I needed to hear from TWBD.
Ok, the truth of the matter is that I can't hear anything but mumbles and grunts, but I got what I needed to hear from Nurse Wonderful. My scan this morning, attended by The C, showed a range of follicles between 15 and 19mm. It felt really great to have The C with me, seeing what the procedure was, as well as what my ovaries were showing. As usual, TWBD said nothing during the wanding, and mumbled something as he headed towards the door. The C finally understood where all the frustrations were coming from! I dressed and we stepped out of the room to be met by NW and ushered into her office. (If this hadn't happened, The C was going to request that we sit with her and the doctor so that we can talk about where this was heading.) NW had great news: TWBD would like me to have an hCG shot tonight! YES! Your eyes do not deceive you! hCG TONIGHT! Woo hoo!! Music to my ears.

This is the way it's all supposed to go down:
9:00 tonight: hCG injection
9:30 tonight: sex-on-demand
9:30 tomorrow: post-coital test to see if sperm are alive in cervical mucous
If results of PCT are negative, then IUI Saturday morning.
If results of PCT are positive (ie: sperm are alive and kicking in CM), then fuck like rabbits.

I know there has been talk around these parts about the validity of the PCT. Ladies (Lut, Thalia), I can't tell you how much I value your input on the matter. I totally understand what you are saying about the test not showing anything worthwhile. I have a number of trains of thought on this one. The first is: it really wouldn't hurt to know if The C's sperm live in my CM. Second: the fact of the matter is that I don't think that my CM is very "good" (nothing even remotely related to EW has yet to appear down there), so I don't think that we are looking at a positive result. Thirdly: TWBD is willing to move to IUI if the result is not good, which suits me fine. Fourth: If there are actually live sperm in my CM, I think that we would like to give one final go at having a baby with actual sex. And finally: I think that if I had more guts I would insist on doing the IUI, but I don't think I have it in me.

So that's the scoop gals! In summary: I love you, I love my husband, and I love my clinic. There is a part of me that is so freaking excited (can you tell how green I am), and then the other part (like 98% part) that already sees the peestick with no second line.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006


OK, this is driving me BONKERS. (And I'm sure my day by day account of my overian production is driving you guys bonkers. But anyways.)

Today's count is as follows: 5 follicles ranging from 15-17mm.

HELLO? I know we talked about the small ones shrinking so that the big ones can get more oompf... But the BIG ONE SHRUNK too.

Another night of 20IU Pur.egon for moi.

I do have to add that my lining is up to 8.5mm. That at least is a steady climb.

One more note: thank you guys so much for your never-ending support and wealth of information that you have been giving me over the past 10 days. I know I'm coo-coo, but I can't even imagine how crazy I would be if I didn't have you guys who understood me.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006


Indeed, I believe this is a case of slow and steady wins the race. Today is cd14, and if I were a normal follicle grower and ovulator I believe I would have insemination by now. But I am not, so let's examine the situation at hand.

I didn't update my follicle count after my Sunday u/s because I was pretty bummed. There were 5 present, ranging from 11mm-14mm. I was sent on my way with instructions to continue just what I had been doing- 20IU, u/s in 2 days.

This morning I had my scan, and low and behold, there were 5 follicles ranging from 14mm-18mm. Halleluja, sisters! Finally one at 18! I can't even tell you how relieved I am. TWBD wants to see me again tomorrow, after I do one more injection at 20IU tonight. We may actaully be getting somewhere.

I can't even imagine how the follicles would grow if I was on higher doses of Pur.egon. I believe I would be on a fast train to OHSS city. I guess my doctor know what he's doing. Next step: let's see if I ovulate.

Oh, and if you have a chance, pop on over to Shlomit at You're Still Young. She had her IUI#3 on Sunday, so let's send her lots of support. I'm rooting for your follies, girl!

Friday, December 01, 2006


I feel the need to write everything down. Today was interesting in the ultrasound chair. Whereas two days ago there were 5 follicles, today there were just 4. They measured from 8cm-14cm. I am a bit confused... how can one disappear? How can they not grow?

I am to continue on 20IU of Pur.egon, and go back on Sunday.

Will slow and steady win the race? What should I be expecting here? Please advise. Please. There will a rewards handed out for those who have knowledge for me.

Thursday, November 30, 2006


I'm not quite sure how to word this... I need you help, knowledge and expertise. Yes, people, of course I am also looking for advice. Or assivice. I will take any and everything.

Yesterday afternoon I ambled into the clinic for my u/s monitoration. After sitting with my pants off for 20 minutes in a room with a heater blasting (I guess it's kind of them to assume I will be cold with my ass flapping in the wind,) my larangitic doctor came in. The man is still not speaking! It is so weird to have a doctor feel around in my vagina, yet I cannot converse with him. But anyways.

What I love about my clinic is how I can see everything that is going on. All my charts are computersized, and no matter what room I am in (u/s, office) I can see everything either on a massive plasma TV, or computer monitors turned towards me. So as TWBD was wanding me, he was measuring and noting everthing on screen where I could see it. (This is very helpful seeing as his vocal cords are currently disfunctional.) It was really amazing to see my follicles up on the screen ion black and white! I don't think I can adequately express how much I like this. Maybe all clinics are like this, though. Do you guys all get to see what's going on like I do?

Anyhoodle. After 4 days of Fem.ara and 2 shots of 20IU Pur.egon I had 5 follicles ranging from 8mm to 11mm.

Now I have to ask: IS THIS NORMAL? (Really, who is to say what's normal? But still I expect an answer to my question.) Is this the quantity and size of foolicles I should be expecting on CD8?

I took my last Fem.ara last night, and another injection of 20IU. Tonight, just another injection at 20IU, and tomorrow: u/s.

I know that everyone is different, and we all respond differently, and have different causes of IF. It just seems to me that my Pur.egon dose is REALLY LOW. It's just 2 clicks of the pen! I also know that with my PCO we have a greater danger of OHSS. And I know that TWBD is using this cycle as a benchmark becasue I haven't done any any other monitored cycles with him. I know, I know, I know...

Tell me people... what should I be ecpecting from my ovaries at this point? WHAT? Please help.

Oh and Lut: I have also read about the archaicness of post-coital tests. Like I wrote above, I think my doctor is using this cycle as a benchmark, just to see how everything "functions". Given this, I think he wants to see how The C's sperm reacts naturally before we move on to IUI. I'm alright with this one trial, as I am interested if I have a "hostile envoronment" down there. Trust me, if it doesn't work this time around (even if we score well on the post-coital), I will insist on IUI next time 'round.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006


Get it? It's a play on the old Calgon commercial. Ok, whatever.

Last night I had my injection teaching. Can I tell you how much I love the following things: Clinic #1, The Nurse, The Receptionist, The C. There I told you. End of post.

Or not.

Many thanks to all of you who commented reassuringly on my previous post. You are right, once I actually did the shot I chilled the fuck out. Like way out. The nurse was patient and methodical and taught me well. The C accompanied me, reassured me, and praised my needle technique. On the way home he told me inumnerable times how proud he was of me for staying strong and taking this step in stride. Sometimes the dear man knows exactly what to say, and I love him for it.

Last 20IU of Pure.gon made its way into the left side of my stomach. Tonight the same will travel into the right. TWBD wants to start low and see how I respond, and use this as a base line. I asked the nurse how high it is possible to go with Pur.egon, and she told me that she has seen cases where 450-600IU were used per dose. Eeks! Now that would be one scary shot. I'm ok with what I've got, and will be ok, if after tomorrow's u/s TWBD increases the dose. When he sees some delicious follicles we will trigger, and in all likelyhood we will be sent home to fuck like bunnies, and return for a post-coital test. You know... to see how all the stuff interacts down there.

The C told me again how hopeful he is. I like his optimism, but I also know that he doesn't fall so hard when he is let down. I am a bit opposite: I try not too hope too much, and when I am let down, I crash and burn. It's funny how we all deal with things in different ways. I keep thinking: one day at a time, one day at a time. I know my body can do this...

Sunday, November 26, 2006


It has been eight months from the time I made my initial call to my fertility clinic. Today I received my first treratment plan*.

I arrived at Clinic #1 shortly after 8 this morning for my ultrasound. It is CD4 (I was in Vermont for Thanksgiving yesterday, so I was not able to make it on CD3), and I was a bit apprehensive about being wanded while bleeding. I know we all have to do it, and the doctors do it all the time, but I have a heavy flow, and well, I didn't want to make a mess everywhere. In walks The World's Best Doctor in jeans and a rugby shirt, and he sits down and gets right to business. Insert dildo cam, look at uterus, look at right ovary, look at left ovary, get dressed meet him in office.

You may remember me talking about the doctor's larygitis from my account of our initial visit. Let me tell you that during the u/s the doctor barely said a word to me, and those that he said I did not understand. It was very confusing, and a bit weird. At one point I felt like I might cry, and he was obviously looking at my cysts (that I recon he had hoped would shrink with the BCP he prescribed.) I think he said/mouthed that my ovaries look abnormal. But really, I can't be certain.

It's alright for the man to have lost his voice, but it would have been nice if someone explained to me that this was still the case.

In the office we were joined by the nurse. TWBD again said something garbled, and then started fiddling around on the computer. I was a bit surprised that he wasn't going to talk to me about what he had seen with the u/s, but I didn't ask. The nurse started telling me that all systems were go for begining treatment this cycle. I will start 2.5 mg Fe.mara tonight for CD4-8, and on CD6 I would start 20IU Pur.egon (I think that's the dose). I am to go in on Monday for injection teaching. Then Wednesday an u/s.

Whoa! This all happened so fast! When we had our original consult we discussed Fem.ara, and the possibility of an hCG shot. Now... injectables? Right off the bat? Jeez Louise! I asked the nurse why, and she told me that after looking at my ovaries today the doctor felt that the Fem.ara would not do anything alone. To me this was really bewildering. I think that I never thought that my issues were so complex. I have had alot of time to adjust to the idea of medical intervention to get us pregnant, but today it was all sinking in. I won't lie: I am scared shitless of having to give myself needles. (Saving grace: the Pur.egon comes in a pen. I have already watched a video on how to give the injection. Still, though, I am freaked out.)

The C's parents are here for the weekend, so I haven't had time to discuss this with him at any length. (He also worked all day today, and is working tomorrow.) All he really says about this is that he is hopeful. I guess that maybe it's good that someone has some hope, because to me it feels like this cycle is the first step in an painfully long journey.

*We won't count the two Clo.mid cycles I did in May and August, because knowing what I know now, there was no hope for them anyways.

Sunday morning update:
Last night I was a raving lunatic. I completely lost my marbles. As I wrote above, The C and I hadn't had time to discuss the appointment, and as the day wore on I felt the pressure of all the information that I learned weighing heavily on me. As I didn't have time to sit with The C and discuss how I was feeling, I was under the impression that he didn't care what happened at the appointment, what the treament was going to be, and the mental impact all this was having on me. I was a total bitch all night while both of our parents were over for dinner. When we got into bed I completely lost it. I was yelling, and screaming, and crying. I was pretty much a raving lunatic who thought the world was against her and that nobody gave a shit, least of all my husband. How could I have anticipated feeling like this, and reacting like this? I don't see how I could have. This is the worst feeling in the world, and the cycle is just begining. I only have one day of hormones in me. What will I be like in a few days? What will I be like when this cycle fails, and inumberable subsequent cycles fail? It is so painful to even think about...

Wednesday, November 22, 2006



Don't get too excited, let me tell you how the Great Period Commencement of November 2006 actually unfolded.

As I promised, I donned a nice crisp pair of white panties on Monday. At about 3:30 I went to the bathroom, and while there was nary a trace of anything on the cotton, when I wiped-behold there was a red streak! Eureka! I had hit the jackpot! I put on a pad, and radn directly to the phone to call Clinic #1. I did not pass go, I did not collect $200.00. My cycle had started, people. This was way more important than collecting a couple of hundred bucks.

Ring... Ring...
Receptionist: Clininc #1!
Me: Hi this is Ms. C, I just started my period-
R: So you want to come in on Wednesday?
Me: Ok, but my period just started, is Wednesday ok? Because I am going out of town on Thursday and Friday...
R: No, Wednesday should be alright!
Me: Great! See you then!


And then yesterday... not much of anything going on down there. The small trace of blood from the day before had dried up. There was a bit of brown goo when I wiped, but other than that there was little that I would call a period. I debated whether or not to call the clinic all morning, when at 10.30 the phone rang.

Receptionist: Hi this is Clinic #1 calling to change your appointment to another time...
Me: Speaking of appointment... I think my period has disappeared. It's kinda just brown now...
R: Is this normal for you?
Me: I don't really have a "normal"...
R: Let me speak to The World's Best Doctor and I'll call you right back.

About 20 minutes later (20 minutes! That's pretty impressive!)
Receptionist: I spoke with TWBD and he wants you to call when you have a full flow.
Me: Alright. (Duh, like I couldn't see that one coming!)
Me (again): But what if I don't get a "full flow" this month? I was on BDP for 2 weeks, and that may have changed the way my body will react...
R: Don't worry, you will get it.
Me: But, seriously, what if I don't?
R: You will. (She was saying this very kindly, not in a geez, you infertiles are so whiny kind of way.)
R: And you told me you are going away for a couple of days, didn't you?
Me: Yes... so what happens if I get my "full flow" on Wednesday, can I come in on Saturday instead of Friday.
R: Yes. Your timing will still be fine.
Me: Thank you so much!!!
R: Have a good trip!

The story ends as follows: This morning I wake up to FULL FLOW. I will call the clinic again, and will schedule my ultrasound etc... for Saturday. All is good. What kills me is that I was making myself sick over this last week (the what if scenarios of when I start my cycle, and will I let me family down if I couldn't go away because my scan would be on Thursday or Friday), all for no good reason. I really need to fucking chillax sometimes.

Now I am onto the next stage of the game... My first monitored cycle. I am excited, but I don't want to be hopeful. Really, why should this even work?

Happy Thanksgiving, all you lurvly Americans! I am thankful that I have you in my life.

Monday, November 20, 2006


I am waiting for my period. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

My final BCP was on Thursday. My body has had time to adjust itself, and should be bleeding by now! Hello!

As I complained about in the previous post, if I get my period Wednesday, my CD3 scan will fall on US Thanksgiving. I promised to drive my grandmother down to Vermont to see my aunt, uncle and cousins (who will be in for just a few days from college, and will be my grandmother's only opportunity to see them in the next few months.) If my period (or should I call it thorn in my side) arrives tomorrow, I hopefully will be able to get an early appointment at the clinic, and still make it to Vermont in time for turkey lunch.*

I was thinking... should I wear my brightest, cleanest, whitest underwear today? You think that would do any good?

*It is also fine if my period comes on Thursday, as I will be back by Saturday. But I will be left wondering why it took so long to appear.

Friday, November 17, 2006


Again, it has been an entire week since I've posted. It's not that I have nothing to write about. I am constantly thinking of things I want to say, discuss, get your opinions on. Here are somethings I contemplated:

Why is Met.formin reaking havoc on my system at 1500mg?

How can Kel stomach 2750mg of it a day?

Why I get upset that The C doesn't remember what point we are at in the cycle.

How come after taking my 14th (out of 14) BCP I spotted that day?

5 Things about me tag.

When am I going to get my period?

Is my cd3 scan going to coincide with Thanksgiving, when I promised to drive my grandmother to Vermont to see my cousins?

Why I freaked out when The C told me I put the cutting board in the wring place while chopping an onion last night.

When will I get pregnant?

How will I get pregnant?

What if I am a lousy mother? (and so on and so forth in a fun downward spiral)

You see, there are a whole host of things going on inside my head. All of them complaints. (Except the 5 things tag, but that has potential to be 5 complaints that I have.) I am feeling like crap. I want to (and have been) lying in bed watching tv for large chunks of the day. I torture myself by watching Baby Story and Bringing Home Baby on TLC. I cry during every show. These activites do not lend to getting much work done. (Thankfully, being self-employed and working at home, I have no one to answer to but myself. And myself isn't giving too much of a shit.)

I know I have to snap out of it. Complaining is so not cool.

Friday, November 10, 2006


Geez, a whole week, let's do a little catching up, shall we?

So much for my daily posts for National Infertility Awareness Week! Maybe three out of five isn't too shabby. Though I didn't post last Firday, I did my teeny weeny part out there in my community. I talked about IF openly and loudly in a very busy restaurant while lunching with a friend. I talked about my IF. I discussed semen analyses. I went into detail about transvaginal ultrasounds. And I talk VERY loudly. In public. It would be very difficult for other people not to hear me. So I will consider that part of my dissemination of information that I promised for the week.

However, on Saturday, while my mother was holding and coochy-cooing a most adorably delish 14 month old, the father of the baby said to me: "Look how much your mother would like one! You guys really should get going!" AND I DIDN'T SAY A WORD. Ok, I may have repleid with my usual "Yup!", but I did not keep my end of the bargain wherein I was going to try to be more out about IF. I didn't even have OUT myslef to this guy, but I could have been a bit small "o" out. I could make lots of excuses: I was at my parent's place of business. The C was right behind me, and it might make him uncomfortable. There were the other guys that he works with all around, too. But I feel that I should have said something. I need to refine a statement that I can produce when someone says something like that to me. Something along the lines of: "Yes, we would love to have a baby, but it hasn't been so easy for us." Not OUT, but a bit of information disemination to educate the general public on how baby making is not all snap, crackle and pop for one sixth of our population.

Do you guys have a quick and dirty response that you give people in a situation like this? (ie: You don't want to pull out your entire medical record, but you don't exactly feel that staying silent is the way to go.) Please share!

The rest of my week has been pretty uneventful (if you would even call what I wrote above eventful...) My biggest enjoyment of the past few days has been the nurturing of a lovely cyst on my coccyx that comes and goes from time to time. It appears when I am stressed and tired, and takes a number of days to go away. And it hurst like hell, is all red and hard, and makes sitting, lying down, and changing possitions very painful. I know: fun and games with Ms. C's body. It was the worst ever the week before our wedding-talk about stress! This week I went to see my homeopath about treatment (I have previously taken antibiotics, but I know this is something that can be treated homeopathically. I really don't like to put more medication into my body than necessary.) The pain and inflamation have subsided, and now I have just some mild discomfort. I love my homeopath. She asked if I felt uncomfortable pulling my pants down slightly so she could have a look at the spot. I was like: no problem... I have had tons of people look at more private parts of me without asking so kindly!

Today is "show set-up day" for me. Three times a year I participate in industry tradeshows where I pimp my work and I try to secure business for the ensuing year. It is a necessary evil which I really dislike doing. It is boring, repetative, tiring, and often baby-filled. The set-up of my booth is also a pain, as it is not something I can do alone. At other times of the year The C can help me out, but in November I have to enlist the help of someone else. Someone who has a flexible schedule as set-up is only in the daytime. The only person available is my brother, who is wonderful for helping me out in a pinch, but whom I feel bad instructing to do this and that. Oy, can you tell I am so not looking forward to the next three days? And when it's all done: the whole booth has to come down...

On a final note, there is not much to report on my personal IF front. I am on day 8 of 14 days of BCP, which when I am done will hopefully produce a period and cystless ovaries so we can start treatment with The World's Best Doctor. If all goes according to plan, CD3 will be in approximately 2 weeks. Of course, I shall keep you posted.

Have a good weekend all you lovely people!

Thursday, November 02, 2006


Here she comes, people: Infertility Awareness Week Topic #3.

Today I am going to tackle something more personal. It is a topic that I find myself thinking a lot about, and is discussed time and time again in our community. The subject to which I am referring is how out I am as an individual who is infertile, and what I pledge to do to change my status.

This is not to say that I have not shared our trying to conceive difficulties with anyone, but the numbers are few. I am OUT to a few people: My wonderful girlfriend who listens to all my anger and frustration, and accompanied me to my HSG (and informed the doctor that I was on CD9, because she's so great she even remembers those details); Shlomit, who is on this rocky journey right along with me; and S who truly understands, as she struggled to conceive a few years ago, and is now blessed with two beautiful daughters. I do have another friend who I am only out (small "o") to, and although she is wonderfully empathetic, she is pregnant for a second time, and I feel that at times she doesn't quite get it. Then there is MM who reads this blog (hi darling!) so she knows every detail of what is going on, but doesn't really discuss it with me. That's just the way she is, she is not one to talk about things... yet it is comforting to me that she knows what's up.

And finally, there are my parents (bring the grand total up to 7 people!). If it weren't for necessity (as in The C needed time off work and needed to obtain it from his boss, my parents) I'm not sure that we would have come out to them. Our first conversation included very superficial details: We want a baby and we need medical help. I think what my parents heard was: We have a doctor's appointment, and next month we will be pregnant. Ummm... not quite getting it, but as we didn't really share more details, I don't know if I could blame them.

Over the last month we have had a slew of appointments, nailed down some specifics, and formed some game plans. If my parents hadn't come out and asked: How did it go?, I'm not sure I would have shared anything. But they did inquire, so bit by bit we have been sharing some details. They are starting to understand that just sitting in a doctor's office won't get us pregnant. They are learning that there is an entire field, and yes specialized clinics dedicated to helping people get pregnant. That we will require medication, and perhaps even injections with needles, and ejaculations into specimen containers, and maybe test tubes to get us pregnant. And when we presented them with the menu of procedures and their costs (The C commented that the paper we received from our clinic looks like it could have come from out take-out menu drawer), my parents began to understand what we were facing... physically and financially.

There have been comments that allude to the fact that they don't get how invested we are in this emotionally. Let's look at a few, and examine their flaws:

1. You have to make an effort to make your life less stressful. a) I would not be lying if I said that other than being stressed about IF, I am less stressed than I have been in the past 12 years; and b) Stress will not change the poly-cystic nature of my ovaries.

2. You remember so and so (mother of two boys I grew up with)... As soon as she adopted S she got pregnant with M. I'm not quite sure how this relates to our specific situation, other than that my parents think that she probably was less stressed after the adoption went through, and therefore we can refer to #1.

3. Why don't you adopt? a) I'm not quite ready to give up so easily on experiencing pregnancy, and giving birth to children genetically related to us; b) It's not as easy as walking in to an adoption agency one morning and walking out with an infant of your choice; and c) To me, at this point, adoption offers an other set of emotional investments.

4. So you might have quintuplets? (Wow, did my father even say that?) Any amount of children would be a blessing, but there are ways to assure that won't happen. However, it's possible we could have twins.

Since this discussion that revealed their ignorance, I am trying to be more open and educating about infertility and how it is making us feel. It was hard at first to talk so openly, but I really want them to understand what we are going through. For example, when I was telling my mother about the upcoming HSG, I did not focus on the cost of the procedure, and that it might hurt, but more on the fact that I was upset that The C wouldn't be there with me, and how nervous I was that it might reveal some problems. I am also trying to educate them on what is alright to say to us, and to help them I have provided them with a copy of Infertility Etiquette from Resolve, and various literature about PCOS. Their attitudes and ways of supporting us are starting to change, and I am glad that The C and I decided to let them in on what is happening.

For all this talk about my varying degrees of being out and OUT, there have been two instances in the past two weeks where I walked away feeling somewhat ashamed that I didn't speak up about my infertility, and infertility in general.

The first episode occurred in Vegas while bitching to one of my girlfriends about getting my period. I never like getting my period. Since going off the pill it is very heavy and very uncomfortable. This was compounded by the fact that I had tried to time my taking the Pro.metrium so that I wouldn't get my period while away. Oh the tricks my flow plays on me! (Thankfully, because I have to induce my period, it's arrival is planned, and therefore does not signify a failed cycle.) So, ya... there I was complaining about this bloody annoyance. My friend's advice to me? I should switch birth control pills, or, you know, I should just get pregnant-because then I wouldn't have to worry about my period for nine months. Wait a minute... Why didn't I think of that??!! What did I respond? "Uhh.. ya."

The second instance was at my pharmacy. While I live in a city of a few million people, my neighbourhood has more of a small town feel where everyone knows everyone, and my pharmacist has known me since the day I was born. While filling my prescription for Met.formin (on which Centre de Fertilite xyz was clearly written,) my pharmacist proclaimed: "Oh, so you're having the same trouble as my daughter!" (His daughter who I grew p with and was friends with well into my teens.) My response: "Oh. Maybe. I don't know." Because I didn't know. The next time I went in I had a prescription from Clinic #1. Upon filling this one the pharmacist said, "Oh, so you've changed clinics, I hear this doctor is very good." Me: "Ya." (Please note that I am not worried about my privacy with the pharmacist, I am certain that he will not say anything to anyone.)

When I look back on both cases, I find myself thinking: Why did I not speak up? Why? With my friend I wish that I would have been bold enough to tell her that I was having such a shitty period because I wasn't pregnant. And that getting pregnant for me has not been so easy. With my pharmacist, seeing as he was opening the door, I wish that I had taken a step in. I could have enquired about what difficulties his daughter had with her pregnancies, and asked if she was open to talking about them. The second time I wish I asked what good stuff he had heard about my doctor and the clinic.

And so, on this Thursday of Infertility Awareness Week, I am making the following pledge:

I, Ms. C, solemnly pledge to be more out about infertility. I shall try tell the truth when I am asked why I don't have children. I will not be embarrassed by my struggle to conceive. I shall strive to educate those who are ignorant about infertility. I will work to dispel myths, and spread useful information. And I shall be thankful to you guys everyday for helping me learn and cope with y infertility.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006


Hello all you Canadians out there! Hey even to you guys in Montreal who refuse to let me know that you exist! Welcome to today's Infertility Awareness Week Announcement.
Today's post is brought to you by the letters M and P. As in: Write a letter to your Memeber of Parliament.

Back in June, Jenny from the Infertility Block posted about Canada being among the worst in terms of coverage of ART. She write about it eloquently in her post, which you can read by clicking here. At the end of her post she included a letter to send to our MPs. It was originally printed in this summer's issue of the IAAC Creating Families magazine, and I am reprinting it below. I am urging all my fellow Canadians to write to their MPs in this week of awareness. You can find the address of your MP by searching here.

Mr./Ms. (Full Name)
M.P. House of Commons
Ottawa, Ontario
K1A 0A6

Dear Mr./Ms. (last name)
1. Children are Canada's most valuable future resource. Previous governments have claimed to be concerned about our country's declining birth rate. Yet they have refused to provide crucial assistance for many Canadians who are committed to becoming parents.
2. Nearly one Canadian couple in six experiences infertility problems. Infertility is not a choice. It is a medical condition. These couples need professional assistance in order to conceive. Even so, today's most advanced assisted reproduction technologies (ART) remain beyond their financial means.
3. The new government says that it will stand up for Canada by meeting the needs and interests of Canada's families. Mr. Harper's election platform declared that the family is the building block of society. What about standing up for Canadian couples who want to create their families, but can't - because they need medical assistance to do so - assistance that is often beyond their private means?
4. The new government is committed to relieving financial pressures on low-income and middle-income families bringing up children. It has promised to provide child-care money directly to parents. Will it also provide assistance to couples who want to create families but cannot, without financial access to assisted reproductive technologies?
5. Restricting access to IVF compromises the fertility of woman, causes immense financial hardship to couples requiring assisted conception treatments and makes IVF affordable for well-off couples only.
6. Infertility problems also carry social and economic costs: lost working hours, poor productivity, psychological and psychiatric support to treat stress and depression, and marital breakdowns.
7. The total cost of a refundable tax credit for IVF treatment would be $170 million for the entire country. This represents a little over one tenth of one percent of Canada's $130 billion estimated total health care spending in 2004.
8. Since 1983, over 15,000 children have been born in Canada through assisted reproduction technologies. Today these children - many of whom are now voting age - and their parents and extended families expect our political leaders to courageously and fairly address this important issue, so that all Canadians may share not only the costs but also the public benefits of IVF treatment.
9. It is time for Canada to take a major step forward in health and family policy by guaranteeing funded IVF treatment. I sincerely hope our country's infertile couples may rely on your support.

Yours Truly,
Canadian Infertile Voter

Thanks a million, Jenny!

Tuesday, October 31, 2006


Some important stuff, and some less important stuff:

1. I am sick. I hate being sick. I am a big baby when I am sick. It really sucks. I know everyone gets sick, but still, I hate this feeling. I am not going to dwell for fear that The C will call me a hypocondriac again. (Like he did last night. OK, moving on.)

2. The post below that states that I am a Frappacino? It is so right. I heart a Frap.

3. Thalia corrected me about about something. She said: "Btw it's LH:FSH that is high in ppl with PCOS - often about 2:1" You know what? SHE'S RIGHT! (Go figure.) Thanks for pointing out my error. The last thing I want is to misguide people. For the record my LH:FSH at last check was 6.3:4.4 (not on CD3, just a random day of an anovulatory cycle.) Not exactly 2:1, but enough of an indicator, I s'pose.

4. A couple of you mentioned that if I wanted to know when and if I ovulated I should temp. Yes, I totally agree with you! However: I tried one cycle, and I couldn't temp consistently. It was a mess. I often get up in middle of the night to "use the facilities", and when I get back to bed I don't have 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Also, I often wake up before the alarm goes off, which means that even if I don't get up in middle of the night, my waking times vary. All that being said, I had full intentions of temping this cycle, but I got my period unexpectedly while away, and did not have my thermometer. I am going to try my darndest next cycle when I take the Fem.ara.

5. THE HSG. Right. That thing. Turns out I went for a hysterosonogram, not a hysterosalpingogram. So I was injected with saline solution instead of "contrast material". And I had a transvaginal ultrasound, not an x-ray. I was a bit confused, but was told that they essentially show the same things. (Now that I think about it I remember the nurse telling me that I can do the test at the clinic, and they use a saline solution. Or I could do it elsewhere, wait a long time, pay less, and they use the other stuff. I opted to do it "in house".) RESULTS: all is normal.

6. It should be noted that the clinic where I went to do the procedure I was formerly referring to as an HSG was the first clinic I went to, not Clinic#1 with The World's Best Doctor. (They do not do this procedure at Clinic #1, so it was suggested that I keep my appointment there.) Let me tell you something: I am so happy that I explored other options and waited out the 7 months to see TWBD! All my gut feelings that I had about the first clinic seemed to be solidified. The docotr who preformed the procedure didn't talk to me. When he said "there's you uterus", and I said "where?", he totally ignored me and kept working... When he said "oh everything is fine, can you see?", and I said "no, what should I be seeing?", he was already removing the catheter and telling me to get dressed. To top it all off, of course this was not the same RE that I had my original consult with. EEEKS! I asked for a photocopy of all the tests they had done to date, and ran screaming for the hills! Going back to the other clinic, I realized just how great Clinic #1 is.

7. All my worry about driving? I could have driven right after the procedure. The cramps weren't too bad. The rest of the day I was pretty uncomfortable, but nothing you hadn't warned me about. In the end my wonderful friend drove me, sat with me throought the procedure (and therefore can attest to the uncommunicative doctor), and drove me home. She really is the best, and I am lucky to have her as my friend. And it's not like I'm sucking up to her. She doesn't read this blog. That's how great a friend she is: she knows the blog exists, and doesn't read it. Really, can you ask for more in a friendship?

8. National Infertility Awareness Week Announcement (In which I think the nation that is being referred to is the United States, and I live in Canada, but whatever, I will take any chance to spread some awareness, and not mention this fact again this week.)
CBC Newsworld has a special on Thursday, November 2, at 10:00pm on Hot Type called "Desperate for Babies". They will be looking at books that discuss IF, IVF, Donor Sperm and Eggs, and surrogacy. Hopefully from a Canadian perspective.
CBC Newsworld is a cable channel in Canada, and I believe is available on Sattelite across North America.

Monday, October 30, 2006


'Til I post the results of my HSG. Which I am on my way out the door to. Wish me luck, people.

You are a Frappacino
You Are a Frappacino
At your best, you are: fun loving, sweet, and modern
At your worst, you are: childish and over indulgent
You drink coffee when: you're craving something sweet
Your caffeine addiction level: low

This post has been brought to you by suggestion of KE and Mel.

Also to come: Posts on National Infertility Awareness Week. Stay tuned, sisters.

Friday, October 27, 2006


"I can't wait to see what you write about this appointment," said The C as we emerged onto the street yesterday.

Let's begin by labeling this clinic Clinic #1.

Because, OMG, that’s what it is. Here is a full description of the appointment worth waiting for (formerly known as the appointment I made seven months ago.)

The C and I walk through the door into a small reception area decorated in sunny yellow and royal blue. “You must be Ms. C,” says the receptionist who has battled with IF herself. (I immediately forgive the black and white massive arty photograph of a newborn resting in the palm of an adult’s hand that is hung on the wall behind her.) We take care of some paperwork and take a seat in some rather comfy chairs to wait for the doctor.

CLOMP, CLOMP, CLOMP is the sound we hear coming down the hall. A tall man reminiscent of Kramer emerges from behind the wall. He’s wearing royal blue scrubs with “The World’s Best Doctor” along with 5 stars embroidered on the back. And he’s also wearing wooden clogs from Holland. You know, the ones the tourists buy, with windmills and pastoral scenes painted on them. He mouths something garbled and mimes for us to stand up and follow him into his office. The C and I nearly piss in our pants laughing.

The nurse joins us, and explains that The World’s Best Doctor has laryngitis, so she will sit in to help communicate. So all the mime stuff: because the poor man can’t talk today. Let’s just say that this added much interest to our appointment. I liked him instantly, and felt very comfortable even though the man could not talk. I was at ease in his office which had fun doodads, colourful furnishings, and no grand doctor’s office desk for him to hide behind while he discussed our future children.

We cut through the crap immediately by showing the doctor all our previous investigations. PCOS-check! He noted my blood test showing elevated E2 (which I was previously told was normal); my high FSH:LH ratio (which I was also previously told was normal) (do I have the ratio correct btw?); and my previous ultrasound reporting polycystic ovaries. He immediately indicated that he wanted to do another ultrasound, as I was on CD5, so he would get a good indication of what was going on himself. At taking a look at The C’s semen analyses he noted the inconsistencies of the 2 tests, and though the results were not abysmal, wanted him to do a third to see where we stand. Off we were to do our tests! But wait a minute- I have a million questions! Not to worry, I was assured, we will discuss everything after we have a look at our girl and boy parts.

I was actually excited for The C to be party to the ultrasound festivities. He was a bit unsure about sitting back while another man fiddled around my hoo-hoo, but soon got over that when he saw the cool stuff on the widescreen tv they have set up on the wall for easy viewing. Verdict: uterus normal, ovaries enlarged, and, duh, lots o’ cysts. Just as he suspected, but content to have seen it himself. All this communicated by the doctor with no voice.

Up next: semen analysis #3. Now I can’t say that their man’s room compared to the other clinic’s facilities, but it was certainly better than a cold bathroom. There was mood lighting, a basket full of mags, and a comfy leather chair. (Oh, and another large black and white arty photo of a nude man and nude pregnant woman. I don’t know… is this a turn on? I was laughing to myself the whole time I was helping The C. I chose to ignore it… this room isn’t really meant for me, after all.) We handed over the specimen to the nurse who asked us to wait in the waiting room until the sperm liquefied.

When this happened, we were ushered into the lab to have a look at our swimmers which were magnified and projected on a computer monitor for us to have a look at!!! We were both loving this participation. Normal, Normal, NORMAL people! Everything looked good. And we had a count of 28.8 million. Not off the charts, but certainly plenty to work with! The C looked mighty proud.

Back in the World’s Best Doctor’s (and I was starting to see why he wore this on his shirt) office I got all my questions answered and we discussed a game plan. We went over the Met.formin bit, and he was glad that I was on it and tolerating it well. I should certainly continue working my way up to 1500mg a day. He definitely feels that while the Met will help out in this whole process, on its own it will not make me ovulate. (To me that was good news and bad news… Good: let’s get going!; Bad: this ain’t no easy PCOS.)

It was really unfortunate that I am already on CD5, as he would have started right away. RIGHT AWAY??!! Well yes indeed! But, ummm… my periods aren’t regular, how long are you going to make me wait? (Really I wanted to yell: HOW MUCH LONGER AM I GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD??!!) “No problem, Ms. C. Here is your prescription for 14 days of BCP. After you take them your cycle should start 3-7 days later. CALL US on CD1, and we will get started!” (I was told that TWBD would be out of town on a conference Novemeber 17-20, so I should time myself accordingly.)

So our first game plan:
14 days BCP to bring on period and reduce amount of cysts in ovaries
CD3 blood work and ultrasound (I get my CD3 bloods!!)
Femara for 5 days (not sure of dose, I do not have the prescription yet.)
Continue monitoring for ovulation
Try naturally this cycle (ie: sex-on-demand)

Of course I am not thrilled about the sex-on-demand, as I am not convinced it will work (even given the “normal” status of The C’s sperm.) But I do have some action, and we are not talking about Clo.mid, so I am still on the good side of thrilled. Also, I know TWBD has to start somewhere… and getting me to ovulate is on the top of his priorities.

As for my questions, I used the same list as with the previous clinic:
Will I always see you (TWBD) when I come in? Yes, always. Except on rare weekends where there will be another RE available. This is ok with me… the man is entitled to a day off.
Will you preform all my procedures? Yes. Ultrasounds and inseminations.
So your role exactly? He is the one who is going to make it all happen.
When I call with questions who should I/will I get to speak to? There is the receptionist, the Nurse, TWDB and a technician at the clininc. My questions will be directed accordingly and answered within 24 hours, depending on the urgency.
Can I leave messages for you? Yes.
Do you have one nurse who is assigned to work with your patients? There is only one nurse at the clinic. She works with all the patients.
Are all procedures done in the clinic? Yes in terms of IUI, IVF, Egg Retrivals, etc… But they do not do HSG, so I will keep my appointment at the other clinic to get this done.
So you will know me by name from here on in? Absolutely. They purpose is to provide personalized care, one on one. I will not be a random file. This is why I had to wait 7 months to be seen.
So it won’t be another 7 months till I get to speak to you again? Certainly not! We will see you as soon as you give us the call that you have started you cycle! Let’s get cracking!

So Clinic #1 and The World’s Best Doctor it is! Let’s hope they live up to their names.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006


I just received a phone call to confirm my appointment at Clinic-Original for tomorrow. Say that with me, people: TO-MOR-ROW. I have waited 7 months for this, and it is finally here.

It's true, two weeks ago I did see another RE (Dr. H). Who offered some Pro.metrium, ordered some bloodwork, put the request in for an HSG, sent me home with a six month script for Met.formin, and not much else. Like information. Or statistics. Or plans. (I like plans! I need to know what's going on!)

It's also true that I didn't push too too hard because I saw this as a practice run for my appointment with Clinic-Original. I have had two weeks to think about my taking of the Met.formin. (How is it going? More on that later.) I am determined to get what I came for tomorrow. I'm talking strategy and plan of attack. I have decided that I can't deal with the "take the Met and see if you ovulate" approach.

These are my issues that I am dealing with:
I need a time frame: how long will we wait to see if I have ovulated? Like I said before: I don't think I am willing to wait longer than 3 months.
How will I know if I am ovulating? I want to be monitored.
What if I ovulate and The C's sperm can't do it on their own. How long are we going to wait till we move to IUI?
If I don't ovualte with the Met alone, I will ONLY do one more round of Clo.mid. And I hate the stuff, so I will be adamant about doing it with IUI.
Also: Day 3 blood tests, hello? (See below regarding potential issue with this.)

I think that when I have my answers to these questions (as well as have a look at how the clinic is run) I will be able to make my decision on where I want to be. I have had a lot of time to prepare for this appointment. Thanks to you guys I think I know a WHOLE LOT about IF, and about what particular issues The C and I are facing as a couple. I am going into this armed and dangerous (with research and information), and will not stand for any dilly dallying.

NEXT TOPIC AT HAND: Met.formin. I am pleased to report that all is well. Today I am increasing my dosage to 1000mg. I will keep you posted on any crappy side effects. (I know, bad pun.)

MOVING ON: My cycle. I started my Pro.metrium on Monday, the 16th, and took it for 5 days. I had a plan. First-did not want to have my period while in Vegas with the ladies. And second-was trying to have days 7-10 fall on a Friday so I could have a friend accompany me for my HSG. Things did not go as planned. Previously when I took Pro.vera, I got my period 7 days after my last pill. NOT SO WITH PRO.METRIUM, people. My flow arrived on Sunday, a mere 2 days after my final pill pop. Smack dab in the middle of my trip, and with the only option for the HSG on a Monday. Thank you Aunt Flo.

So much for nagging Clinic Original for CD3 bloodwork. Who know when I will have my next cycle day 3? WHO KNOWS? Certainly not I. If I wait for the Met to "work", it could be up to 3 months. If I don't wait, but instead do another round of Pro.metrium, say in like 35 days, then I won't know if the Met is working. A catch-22 if I've ever seen one.

Also: the HSG. I have no one to bring me/pick me up. (The C just cannot get more time off at this time. I can't even ask. My mom: same thing.) This really leaves my grandmother, who 1-I don't really want to share this with; and 2-I am scared to get into a car with. The woman really should not be driving anymore. Furthermore, I wanted someone to hold my hand.

FINAL TOPIC: My trip to Vegas. It was a blast. My abs hurt for laughing for three days straight. It was so amazing that we all came together (from different cities) and had more than our usual couple of hours to catch up on each others' lives. I am so lucky to have such fabulous girlfriends in my life. As a group we are crass, dirty, inappropriate, and unembarassable. We danced on the street, grabbed eachothers' asses, and had men applaud our poolside antics. Most of it was caught on video, which will certainly provide ample blackmail material for the future. A well needed and well deserved break from reality.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006


Look at me! I'm winning the Met.formin match!

I started with 500 mg of Met on Saturday, so today would be my 4th day popping said pill. Days 1 and 2 saw a fair share of toilet action from the rear end, and also some bloating. Yesterday wasn't too bad, and so far today not too bad either. When I say not bad I mean that a bit of acid reflux and some gas is definately tolerable if this drug yeilds its desirable results. I would up my dose to 1000 mg tomorrow, but I decided to hold off on that as I am meeting my girlfriends in Vegas over the weekend. The girl with the runs and gas is no fun in a hotel room packed with the ladies! So Tuesday it will be for that advancement. I hope I adjust just as easily.

Today is also day 2 of Pro.metrium. I haven't taken this before, but I have doen Pr.overa 3 times. If all goes as planned I should be welcoming my flow next Friday, the day after my 1st appointment with RE-O. If he orders day 3 bloodwork (which Dr. H didn't, and I am surprised, is anyone else surprised? I do have recent blood analysis, but it is not from day 3), then I will be all set to do so under his watch, if I so choose to proceed with him. It also means that my HSG will fall somewhere in the following week. So many things to look forward to!

Here is my question of the day: What is the difference between Pr.overa and Pr.ometrium? I know they are both progesterone used to bring on a period, but why would my gyn prescibe Pr.overa and Dr. H prescribe Pro.metrium? Are there advantages to either? Disadvantages? Has anyone used both and noticed any difference?

And finally today, I must send out the biggest hugs to you all! Not only did you stick with me to read through my last post, but your comments, suggestions, advice and anecdotes were so helpful to me. It is so amazing to feel like I am not alone in this journey. I can't even describe the warmth I feel because of all the support that you have shown me. This is one hell of a tough ride, and I want us all to get off soon (with babes in arms), but in the meantime I am thanksful to have you by my side.

Friday, October 13, 2006


Again, thanks to all of you wonderful friends who supported me through the great medical records fiasco of 2006 (GMRF). I am actually quite over the whole situation, I'm left more with a "fuck them" feeling than anger towards what happened. What I am not over is my mother's reaction to it all: "You should bring them a coffee next time you go, to suck up to them a bit." Ummm... First off-I don't feel the need to suck up to them; second-it is likely that I won't be back there. (To which my mother replied in horror: but then where will you go? I guess I will have to talk about my mother's reactions to our IF in another post.)

Now that the GMRF is dealt with I can finally move on and talk about what I have intended to talk about this whole week.

The Urologist, The RE, The C and Me

First the appointment with the urologist on Wednesday. We both really liked Dr. C. He was not alarmed at all by The C's 2 sperm analyses, and suggested he do a third analysis as a "tie breaker", so we will have a pretty good idea of what's happening down there. Dr. C also told us that it is not unusual to have sperm charactersitcs that The C's tests showed, seeing as he had undescended testicles that were corrected with surgery when he was about 6 years old. He did say that if everything were to be normal (my words, not his) with me, it is likely that his sperm would be able to impregnate me. (As all is not normal, I am not holding my breath, but this was interesting to know.) The C then had some blood drwan to look at his hormone levels, and we made a follow-up appointment where the doctor will preform a testicular ultrasound. (Really, the doctor seemed more concerned in checking out that all was ok in The C's package in terms of cancer etc... becasue of his undescended testicle issue, than with the semen analysis. I know this is most likely due to the fact that I don't ovulate, and we certainly have to correct that issue more than the sperm issue. He did reassure us that there was plenty of sperm for IUI.) Follow-up appointment: December 9. (The C can't take any more time off than he has already asked for until December.) We enquired that if we decided to go with another clinic for me, would Dr. C still see us at this clinic for the C. He said yes.

Next up: the RE, who we saw yesterday. The C was thankfully able to come with me as it was not busy at work (as opposed to Wednesday when he walked out and it was like a zoo.) We met with Dr. H who seems to have lots of experience in the field. He took a look at all the reports that I brought him, and took a history of what we have done so far. He was satisfied with the findings of the ultrasound that I had in April (ie: PCO-like ovaries), noted that all my bloodwork that my gyn had ordered looked good, and had little interest that the 2 cycles of Clo.mid that I tried didn't work.
With all this info under his belt Dr. H proclaimed that I must take Met.formin, as it has an 80% chance of inducing ovulation in me. And if I ovulate, it is possible that The C's sperm will do the trick naturally. And declared that if I do ovulate using the Met.formin, and I still don't get pregnant, he has no problem moving on to IUI.
In terms of testing he wants me to do an HSG (duh! But which I am afraid of doing having read all the accounts here in the blog world), and STD testing for me and the C. Of course, the HSG has to be preformed between CD7-10, so he prescibed Pro.vera to bring on my period. And also a prenatal vitamin, because HORRORS! why have I not been taking one up until now?! (I pointed out the obvious-that there was no way I was getting pregnant, so why waste the money.)
Then it was my turn to ask the questions. I had a page and a half full, and told him to hold on to his seat. He did not seem at all put off that I had tons to ask. Most of the questions were about how the clinic is run, as we are trying to make a decision about whether to go with this clinic or another one where we have an appointment in 2 weeks time. Below are the answers to some of the most pertinent ones.
Will I always see you (Dr. H) when I come in? No. There is a team of 5 or so REs. I will always see one of them, but not always Dr. H as he is not there every day.
Will you preform all my procedures? Again, no-it will be the doctor who is in the clinic that day.
So your role exactly? He is more like my case manager.
When I call with questions who should I/will I get to speak to? Usually a nurse will be available to answer my questions. If I need to speak to a doctor, I will speak to the one who is there that day.
Can I leave messages for you? Yes, but he won't return them until the day that he is in the office. But he assured me that there is always someone there to answer my questions, and that they work as a team of docotrs and nurses.
Do you have one nurse who is assigned to work with your patients? No. There are 5 nurses and they all work with everyone.
Are all procedures done in the clinic? Yes, all except those that need general anesthetic (ie: lap)
Which hospital do you operate at? I was satisfied with this answer (there are about 5 hospitals in the city.)

Throughout this question period I had time to process the "treatment" he was prescribing for me at this point, and had a whole other host of questions.
How long will we wait to see if the Met.formin works (ie: induces ovulation)? I couldn't get a clear answer from him. It was more of a let's wait and see. He did say (rightly so) that the Met.formin takes time to build up in the system. It won't work "right away", and so I am taking the Pro.vera to bring on a cycle so we can get the HSG done (which he he believes will be clear.) I got the feeling it was more of a we will know if it works, because I will be getting my period. (For the record, I am willing to give it about 2 cycles time before raising hell.)
So let's say I get my period... will that indicate 100% that I am ovulating? It will indicate 99.9% that I am ovulating. Because I don't get my period now without ovulating (as with some people), if I do bleed, it will be because i ovulated.
So I keep getting my period (the Met.formin is working)... but I am not pregnant, now what? We will move on to IUI to help the sperm get where they need to be.
What if the Met.formin doesn't help me ovulate? Then we will move onto other drugs. (I didn't push him on this, I know what the other drugs are thanks to you guys.) He did reinforce the fact that 80% of PCO women ovulate with Met.formin, so that gives me a very good chance. He pointed out that if I had an 80% chance of winning the lottery, wouldn't I buy a ticket? Yes indeed.

These are the things that I am taking away with me from our appointments:
1. The C's sperm is ok. Not great, but ok.
2. Met.formin may work, let's give it some time. (I am not willing to wait longer than January to give it time.)
3. My gyn suggested months ago that I take Met.formin. I am kicking myself now for refusing on the basis that I had heard horror stories about the side effects. Because here I am months later with the same thing from a different doctor.
4. 80% isn't bad, but I am likely to fall on the 20% side.
5. Dr. H seems open to moving on in treatment. IUI and even IVF were mentioned liberally throughout our conversation.

And my conclusions about the clinic:
1. I don't like that I won't always see Dr. H (or the same doctor consitently.)
2. I don't like that he won't answer my questions until he has a day at the clinic.
3. I like that there is a team of doctors and nurses that work together so that there is always someone available.
4. I am worried that because of the team approach I may get lost in the shuffle, or may get conflicting opinions from the docotors on how to proceed with treatment.
5. They run a busy and successful clinic, so should my concerns really worry me? They are obviously doing right by many other couples.
6. I like the personal touch, and personal attention. I don't know if I will be getting that here.

General Conclusions:
I have an appointment with another RE [RE-Original] (The original clinic that I made an appointment with 7 months ago, but am still waiting to see) in 2 weeks. I will hold off making any decisions until then. I am going to start taking the Met.formin, becasue it is likely that RE-Original will prescribe it anyways. I will start the Pro.vera, so I can get the ball rolling for the HSG, which I am certain RE-O will also want me to have. As a matter of fact, CD 7-10 will fall after my appointment with RE-O, so if I decide to go with RE-O and not Dr. H, I can do the HSG at RE-O's office, or I can do it at Dr. H's Office and have them send the results to RE-O. Also, I can have all the bloodwork that I have had done at Dr. H's clinic transferred to RE-O, if I decide to go with RE-O. At this point, it's a bit of a win-win situation, though I still don't see any pregnancy happening in my body anytime in the next number of months...

One final thing (I know... ENOUGH ALREADY! With all my rambling posts, this may be the longest yet.)
Ladies who have taken Met.formin: Can you please share your experiences with me?
What were your reactions to the medication?
Did it help you ovulate?
Did you get pregnant?
How long did you take it before you decided to move on?
Did you continue to take it as you persued further treatment options?
What is your PCOS like?
(And thanks in advance...)

Over and out.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006


For posterity I will bang out what happened when I called back the docotr's office yesterday.
As per my instructions, I made the call at 11:15 (I didn't want to seem too nudgy, so I waited a bit.) The nurse answered, and told me to hold on, she would get the doctor on the phone, she was just in the examining room with a patient. Ok... so I waited, and waited... and waited.
Finally, the nurse came back on the phone and said, "Ms. C, it's a disaster here today, just come in to talk to the doctor." Alright, so I did.
And when I got there the waiting room was packed... with wildly pregnant women. Loads of them. I gave in my medicare card, and sat down and waited. And waited. And waited. And then the nurse came out and announced that the doctor had to go to the hospital for a delivery and wouldn't be back for at least an hour. When the waiting room cleared I went up to the receptionist and told her I was here to get my records. She sent me to the back to the nurse's desk. As I approached the back the nurse caught sight of me, and said "Ms. C, you can't sit here, go sit in the front!" To which I replied, as the tears started to flow, "Well the receptionist just told me to come back here..." Crying and all, she told me just to sit right there and wait. (I felt like a big baby, but I was a step closer to the records that I came for.
The nurse went about her merry way doing tasks and ignoring me as I sniffling nearby. Finally she turned to me and said, "What do you want exactly? We faxed your husband's semen analysis to Dr. Pfifer."
Me: "We are not going to Dr. Pfifer. We have an appointment with Dr. Chan. And I need the rest of the file because I have 2 other appointments as well."
Nurse: "Well you have to tell me what you want, I can't photocopy the entire file! And who are you going to see?!"
Me: "I don't understand why you can't just be nice to me. All I need are my records. You guys are the doctor's office, you should know what would be relevant to another doctor that I am going to see. It's really difficult to be here sitting in a room of pregnant women, I wish that were me, but it's not. I really wish you would be a little more sensitive to my sistuation, it isn't easy what I am goign through. All I am asking for are my records!"
At which point I FREAKED OUT, started BAWLING, and as a bonus my nose started bleeding.
A lot of back rubbing, calming down, and kind tones ensued. (No one wants a raving lunatic patient in the office!) Also the nurse picked up my file and started photocopying.
Nurse: "I have photocopied allt he test results that we have from you in the past year. I think that will be good. Is there anything else you would like?"
Me: "I'm not sure. Is that all that is relevant? I did have surgery in 97, do I need that?"
Nurse: "I don't think so."
(For the record, I think that is pertinet, so lucky I have my own copy of that report stashed in my personal files.)
Nurse and Receotionist: "If you need anything else, let us know, we will fax it to the appropriate doctor for you."
Me: "Ummm, ok. Thanks." and I got up to leave.
I was almost at the door when the Nurse called me back.
Nurse: "Ms. C, I have this note about Dr. Pfifer."
Nurse: "It seems we weren't able to get in touch with him to get a refferal, so we decided on Dr. Chan instead."
Me: "Thanks for clearing that up." and walked out.
So I walked out with blood on my pants and jacket, wondering what exactly they had faxed to Dr. Pfifer (whom we weren't going to see), with my files tucked neatly inside my book. I still do not understand what all the hastle was about.
I mean really. I have been seeing this doctor for 13 years (and my mother has been seeing her for 25 years). Up until last year I have needed her services once a year for a pap. In the past year I have been to her office 5 times. Until there was an issue to deal with they were happy with my once a year service call. But if the doctor and the support staff think that I am asking too much of them when I actually need their help for the first time in 13 years, I'm not so sure what to think of their service skills...

Thanks to all of you who commented with words of support. This is the reason I have joined the blogging community. I can't imagine having been able to get through yesterday without you. Someone mentioned not returning to this doctor, and I am seriously thinking about it. At least I don't have to go back to that office until I am pregnant. At which point I may take my Mommy to stick up for me. (When I told my mother what happened, in a shorter version, she could not believe that they would treat me in this manner. As in: I must have said something rude to have them treat me like that, because they have never been anything but nice to her. Thanks, mom.)
On one hand I feel relief that I am done with the gyn's office for now. On the other hand I am fearful of what lies ahead. What if I am treated like this everywhere I go?

Tuesday, October 10, 2006


First things first: the shower. It was ok. Actually it was fun. And the baby was cute. And gorgeous. And so well behaved. Really, everything you can desire in an infant. This is probably all due to the fact that the mother is amazing. (Such a nice woman that I can almost forgive her for marrying and procreating with a man who dumped me for not having sex with him.) The saving grace was that said guy did not show up at the shower as I was certain that he would. Thank the lord. I really was not looking forward to that interaction.
What did annoy me a bit was the bride-to-be going on and on about how she can't wait to get married so that she can start popping out babies. Because that's what you do: you get married and then boom, get pregnant just like that. We all know how well that works!

(I don't wish to dwell on this today, as I am getting frustrating just writing about it) so, MOVING ON...

Tomorrow we see the urologist.

Digression: I just called my gyn's office. I fucking hate the receptionist. I requested a copy of my records early last week, and I was told they would be prepared in a few days and they would call me to let me know. OF COURSE I never received a call, so I am calling this morning to get this taken care of (as I need the records for tomorrow's appointment!) This is the ensuing converstation:
Me: Hi this is Ms. C, I called last week to get a copy of my records.
Her: You know, this is an emergency line [a fact I did not know], I am waiting for Dr. S to call, You should not be using this line to ask me such questions, call back at xxx-xxxx. [Hang up]
Of course now I am calling the other line (I swear I did not know the number I had was an emergency line! No one ever told me that!), and it's busy. Which I guess is a good thing because if that shit assed receptionist actually piked up the phone the first time I tried the number I might have lost it on her. OOO... this is real time blogging... I just got through, but now am on hold. I will have to restrain myself from yelling at her/letting my emotions get in the way (ie crying) when she comes back on the line. Ooop-here she is, and back on hold I am!

I had to interrupt my real time blogging...
When someone finally came back on the phone, it was the nurse, who said to me: "Ms. C, why didn't you call on the private line?" At which point I LOST it. I started crying. The nurse is a sweetheart, and is always kind to me, but it is rare that the receptionist will let me talk to her. This is how the conversation unfolded:

Me: I just called on that line, and was yelled at for doing so.
Nurse: Well that's rediculous. So you want your records to send to Dr. Pfifer?
Me (really losing it): Dr. Pfifer??!!! (sob sob) You know, this is crazy, I can't get anywhere when I call your office!
Nurse: Ms. C, what do you mean???
Me: I asked for a referral for a urologist for my husband in August, and it took 5 weeks till someone got back to me, and when I finally got a name, it was a Dr. Chan, not a Dr. Pfifer.
(Slight digression: Incidentally, Dr. Chan is who we have our appointment with tomorrow, he is the doctor that works at clinic#2 that we are looking into. When my gyn's office gave me the number to call Dr. Chan, the actually referred me to another office that he works in. Where the hell did Dr. Pfifer come from?)
Nurse: Well your husband should see Dr. Pfifer, and we have sent the records there.
Me: I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! (sob sob) This is all besides the point. I need my records to take to an appointment that I have at a fertility clinic. Actually 2 different clinics. So I need my records! And I don't know what all this is about Dr. Pfifer! Why wasn't I given his name in the first place.
Nurse: Ms. C... Can you call back at 11 on the private line so you can speak to Dr. S? Please do that, ok? (sweetly)
Me: alright. (sob sob)

Why can't they get their act together? Why can they not realize that this is my life, and our chances for a baby that they are screwing with? I am not asking for my records so that I can use the paper to build a bonfire. I am trying to get us some help! Why can't they see how trying this is for me? And be a little sensitive. I am really not asking for much here. A referral to a specialist, a copy of my records. Not difficult tasks. Fuck!

I will get back to the normally scheduled program of PREPARATIONS for tomorrow's urologist appointment and Thursday's RE appointment when I get to the bottom of this reconds crap.

Saturday, October 07, 2006


This afternoon I am to attend a bridal shower for the future daughter-in-law of a friend of my mother. It will be a livingroom full of women in their 50s giggling with the poor bride about condoms and the like (nothing more embarassing, in my opinion!) Aside from me and the bride-to-be, there will two other young women there... with their children aged 3 months and 16 months. How very fortunate for me.
(A digression: the infant is the daughter of a guy I dated when I was 19. This guy dumped me when I wouldn't sleep with him. He is the nephew of the woman giving the shower, and there will be no avoiding seeing him. I add him to the list of people who I hate for having children before me.)
Bridal Showers are the precursors to weddings, which I have not been so happy with these days. The Anonymous Infertile wrote about why wedding make her sad, I couldn't agree with her more. (She wrote about it much more eloquently that I am about to...) Although my wedding was my personal fairytale day, I can't help thinking that my story isn't following the path to the happy ending. And I feel envious of the hope that the married couple-to-be has that everything their future is full of roses and rainbows. Selfish, I know.


Wednesday is our urologist appointment, and Thursday is the RE. I am compiling a list of questions to ask each specialist (which I will try to get down here over the weekend...) I am looking to you guys for support here. What questions do you think I should be asking (this especially for the urologist, as I have no experience with this one!)? I would so appreciate your input, and thanks in advance...