Friday, December 29, 2006


I must get that last post off the top of my page, but my thoughts about the last week are so scattered I don't really know where to begin. There is so much I want to discuss, however I'm not so sure I can do it all coherently.

Oh, there's some shouting from the audience... Did I just hear someone ask for a list? It seems it is so!

Let's make a deal: I'll list the items that have been on my mind as of late, and you'll let me know which you want to hear more about. Ok? Here we go...

1. I feel like I have moved on from last cycle's negative. Today is cd6, but the clinic is closed, so it doesn't really matter. Since experiencing my first monitored negative (after ttc for 15 months), I have realized that my emotions about myself, my husband, my hope, other pregnant women, and other peoples' infants are cyclical as well. So while I may no longer loathe my body for not giving me a pregnancy last cycle, I am back to feeling pains in my heart when seeing other pregnant women.

2. I think that I had so much hope for last cycle for one reason and one reason only... Anyone read my sidebar? The part where it says "if you don't ovulate, you can't get pregnant"? Last cycle I ovulated for what was perhaps the first time in my entire life. For us, getting me to ovulate was the main hurdle. Ovulation=pregnancy. Of course, that equation didn't balance this time. So while being crushed, I am pretty certain we can get me to ovulate again.

3. Part of my fear from last cycle stemmed from the "what if" of getting a negative, but not getting my period. (Meaning that after all the meds, and all the monitoring I actually was not able to ovulate.) Now I know that though I did O on cd18, my LP was a pretty perfect 14 days. Interesting to know that my body does that right.

4. Though I don't believe much in divine intervention, I must thank someone up above for making certain my family has no infants or toddlers. My brother's 2 girls are 8 and 9 (and both ooops babies), and The C's sister's girls are 10 and 13. So instead of dreading holiday time with the nieces, I was excited about it. The girls are in my favorite age range. You can joke around, play games, tell stories, and just hang out. I treasure my relationship with them dearly.

5. The Chanukah party that I planned for the 23rd was a hit. Lotsa latkes, lotsa dreidles, lotsa fun. Also: tons and tons of cookies. In the 2nd week of my 2ww I went cookie crazy. Baking cookies (as opposed to cakes, or heaven forbid dinner,) fulfilled two important needs during this time: the need to keep busy at all costs, and the need for something sweet.

6. On the 24th we took off for the Toronto area to be with The C's family while they celebrated Christmas. His nieces (not that I don't feel that they are my nieces too, but I say that in effort to distinguish them from my brother's girls,) sang in their church choir for Christmas Eve mass. Being Jewish and all, had the girls not been singing The C and I would not have attended mass. We both felt it was important to support the girls, and I am so happy that we were there. Their singing was so beautiful, and was a wonderful addition to the service. The sound of children's choirs makes my heart melt, and listening to the girls made me feel so proud. When they sang some of my favorite carols (yup, this Jew loves Christmas music!) my heart swelled with pride, and my eyes teared. I wanted to tell everyone around us that two of the beautiful voices up there belonged to my family.

7. I can only imagine how I will feel watching our own children one day.

8. Should I talk about something that doesn't have to do with IF or children? If you look back on all my posts I don't think that I ever have. How about I try.

9. December 26th is my birthday. This year I celebrated my 32nd year on this here earth. I always told people that to me, age was just a number, that its more about how you feel. Until recently I felt like I was still 18. I think I may finally be growing up, but only because I am being forced to deal with things that I really didn't think that I would ever have to. (Oh man, I was trying to stay away from IF, but I guess I can't do it.)

10. I have so much more to write concerning my birthday. Not about "how I celebrated my birthday this year", but more about realizations of what it means to have a birthday at this time of year. It's complicates, and I'm not sure my thougths all make sense, so I best leave it for now.

11. A friend just called an offered to stop by with a cup of Star.bucks in hand. I must shower and dress to prepare for her arrival. This post didn't quite turn out how I wanted it to. I was supposed to give you a list of subjects, and you were supposed to tell me which you wanted to hear more about. It seems I told you all about them anyways. I just talk too much. It's a problem I have. This seems as good a time as any to shut my yapper.

Friday, December 22, 2006


Pee stick, that is.

While yesterday's test may have been broken, it certainly wasn't wrong. This morning's super duper expensive shmensive test (while exhibiting that the plastic is indeed higher in quality, and the design undoubtedly more ergonomic,) showed the same thing. The fat lady has sung. (Insert photo of me singing here.)

To celebrate this occasion I was thinking of throwing a company holiday party (which I previously hadn't planned.) For those of you without the memory of an elephant I will remind you that I run my own business. And I am my only employee. Spouses will not be invited - I don't have a big budget. And it will be so much fun because I have a theme: Pity.

Maybe I will invite somebody else. I need someone who will feel bad for me. No one ever does, they just think that I can manage everything all by myself. I don't know how I can handle this alone...

My clinic re-opens on January 8th. At which time I will be around the middle of my next cycle. I recon I wll get my script for BCPs then, which will mean I will start my next treatment cycle by the begining of February. On top of this 2ww I now have another 4-5ww. It's just shitty, man. (And unfortunately you gals know just how much.)

Thank you so much for your empathetic optimism yesterday. Having you by my side really helps.

Thursday, December 21, 2006


I didn't sleep all night. I chalk it up to a combination of too much garlic in dinner last night and my stress level.

When the alarm went off and The C asked me how I slept, I replied "not at all". "You should test, then... just so you know," said he. "Ya, that's what I was thinking, I can't take this any more."

So I went to the bathroom and grabbed a test knwoing 2 things: 1) I had peed 4 hours earlier in middle of the night; and 2) it's only 12DPO.

I tinkle where it matters, and before I can blink, the darkest negative of all negatives shows up. Here's the clincher (she says, hoping you haven't already clicked over to the comments to express your condolances,) the control line never showed up. Now, I know in my heart of hearts that negative really indicates a negative. But I want to delude myself by thinking that the test was broken to preserve my hope for but 24-48 hours more.

No worries. My broken Wal.mart test came with a buddy. That I will use tomorrow. That hopefully won't be broken. And will show the result that I want.

Ok, now you can go comment. Words of wisdom appreciated.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006


I thought I would be post more during my 2ww. I know I promised a 5 things about me list and Mel's list for 2007. The truth is that I suck. Not alot, but just a bit. I want to get to it, but... Well no excuse, really.

I have been trying so hard to keep myself busy the past 10 days (today being 10dpo thankyouverymuch) . Busy so that I keep myself from counting the second til i can POAS. I have been running through my list a lightning speed (most of the items, and a whole lot more!). I have also found that staying away from the internet actually helps me to not dwell on the ifs ands and buts about the 2ww. I am really trying to just stay sane. And fuck. IT.IS.HARD.

For those of you who have come hither in search of a 2ww update, here ye go:
1. Last week had twinges in ovary/uterus that were definately not from ovulation.
2. This week: not so much.
3. Boobs have been sore all week.
4. My face has broken out like a mad woman this week. Since going off the pill it has been pretty bad (PCOS symp.tom), but this cycle it cleared up reral nice with all the hormones. Now: back to zitty self. is this a good thing? A bad thing? An inconsequential thing?
5. For those of you who have inquired: I'm not on progesterone. Only taking my Met, and vitamins.
6. Emotionally I am up and down. Sometimes I think: wow, this can be it. Other times I'm all: who am I to think that this can work. The rest of the time I've been baking cookies.
7. Had one meltdown on Sunday night while feeling a whole lot less than support from my wonderful (read: doesn't know what I need in terms of support) husband. I really don't know what to say to him. I feel like he is the only person I can truly talk to who should feel the same stress about the 2ww that I feel, becasue well, this is his baby (or not) too. The truth is he spends his time thinking: if this doesn't work then, oh well, we move on. While I spend my time thinking: if this doesn't work then my heart and soul are going to be completely ripped to shreds.

Am I feeling things that are any different than any of us on the 2ww? I think not.

Happy Chanukah to all of you. May you have much joy and warmth in your homes this holiday. My hope is that we are all blessed with the miracles we long for.

Friday, December 15, 2006


What's the word I'm looking for... oh ya, psychosomatic.

Last night, in the midst of my sleep, I awoke with the sorest boobs I have ever had. Could this be a symptom (of you know...)? Is it possible the soreness is caused by the rememnats of my trigger shot from 8 days ago? Or: am I making this up because I want so much to feel something?

(Pretty much can nix that last one: it hurt like a muthafucka to insert breast into bra cup this morning.)

Just thought this crazy broad should update you.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006


I can't say that this is what I imagined the 2ww would be like.

It's amazing that after 16 months of trying to conceive this is really the first wait that I have gone through. I actually ovulated this cycle. I felt it. My hCG shot at 9pm on Friday was to induce ovulation at 9am on Saturday. At about 9.05 The C calls home to ask if "anyting is going on" down there. It was a resounding no. But by 10 onwards I definately felt some action in the nether regions, specifically on the left side where I know the 2 larger follicles are. All I can say is wow. Is this what "normal" women feel every cycle when they ovulate? How amazing!

The days are slinking by at a snail's pace as I try to keep myself busy. Let's take a look at how I am doing on my list of stuff to occupy me.
1. To Come (Keep your pants on, for crying out loud! I'm trying to make it interesting!)
2. Ummm... Ditto. (I wanted to get to this post first.)
3. Party planned. I am making the latkes. I will probably also make apple sauce becasue nothing says "trying to keep busy" more than peeling potatoes and apples.
4. Chanukah presents for my nieces bought; Christmas presents for The C's nieces 2/3 bought.
5. No cookies yet, but I am gathering the recipes.
6. Nope, not yet.
7. Soap? Was I crazy enough to actually think that I would make soap? (If I do, Shlomit honey, you will get the first bar.)
8. Work is so on top of that I am creating projects before I even have the clients for them. Ok, but still have to call accountant to get 2 issues in my bookkeeping cleared up so I can close the year.
9. Not yet. Must leasve something for next week, non?
10. Have to make a date with my grandmother to get wool and get started.
11. Alot less than I would have thought. Allow me to explain...

It is totally in my nature to overanalyse. And also in my nature to try to ignore that I am overanalysing. Hence, I drive myself nuts. The ovulation "pains" on Saturday? It took me a while to actually admit to myself that they were from ovulation because I didn't want to think too much of it. Finally I conceded, because really, what else could they have been? It certainly wasn't my intestines working overtime and giving me pains in my belly. I don't know much about 2ww symptoms, and I am trying not read up anything on them because I know everyone is different. Also, I don't want to overanalyse. And I don't want to drive myself crazy by telling myself that I am rediculously overanalysing. (You see the pattern here?) However, I would be lying if I said that I felt nothing going on in the ovary region. Since Sunday sometime I have felt little twinges of something. I'm not certain how to describe it, but I don't think that a) I am imagining it; and b) that it's because I have to poo with a vengence (therefore causing my abdomen to work overtime, if you know what I mean).

To say I am hopeful is an understatement. The C has convinced me that I will have a much more peaceful 2ww if I think optimistically. He's right, of course. How I think is not going ot change the outcome of this cycle. The work that needed to be done is already done (or not done). It certainly is alot more fun to hope and imagine (as we do together for just a minute or two when The C comes home from work), then to have my head "fill with worms" (as The C refers to my thinking, rethinking, overthinking, and crazythinking). (Ok, I know that's a weird image, but English isn't his first language people!)

So cautious optimism folks. (She says naively at 3dpo. I am certain that I will be lauging at this post in about 6 days.) Off to prepare dinner for tonight. Yes, it's only 8 am, but I must keep busy.

Saturday, December 09, 2006


Nope, that is no typo mes amis! Sexpectations are what you get when you add sex and expectations. Allow me to recount the events of the past 36 hours.

hCG shot-check!
sex at 9:30 pm-check!
burst into tears in middle of sex because omg it is so weird to have sex thinking that a doctor is going to go up my vagina to check out the validity of the activity-check!
uncomfortable post coital test at 9:30 the next morning-check!
lots of sperm swimming around in cervical mucous (which I got to see in the microscope, omg that's so cool!)-check!
sent home to have sex in order to get pregnant-check!

Look, I was pleased as punch that we were getting this opportunity to try to have sex in order to conceive. But... I can't seem to get all this stuff about the ridiculousness of the PCT out of my head. Yes, it was neat-o to see all the sperm in the microscope, but I was left with the feeling that these were the sperm that HADN'T swum up my cervix, and how were we to know based on the amount outside my cervix how many sperm actually HAD made their journey upwards. (See Thalia, I am TOTALLY getting it.)

Upon showing me the results my doctor smiled at me and told me* to go home and have sex last night and this morning. I asked him point blank if doing an IUI would increase my chances this cycle even 1%. He said no. I said: really? He said no, all looked good. Seeing as our issue is me ovulating (which it appears we have taken care of with assorted hormonal cocktails), he doens't see why we shouldn't conceive this cycle. He seemed very positive, and shook my hand and sent me on my way to procreate.

You may be wondering why I didn't push the IUI issue further. Here's why: before leaving for work The C and I had a converstion wherein he told me that he would like to have a go at it naturally. Until now he had just gone with the flow, and never made to many demands. I felt that I should at least give him this.

That was until about noon yesterday when I started having a mild panic attack that I didn't push for an IUI hard enough. I called The C and he heard my panic. I told him that if it really mattered to him I would leave this alone. He said that yes it mattered, but my peace of mind also mattered, so I should call the clinic to talk about this one more time. Except that I didn't want to call the clinic. So he told me he would.

By four o'clock we hadn't heard back from the clinic, so I called and left a voicemail. I didn't hear back from the nurse until this morning, so it's all moot now. (The IUI would have been done at 9:00 am this morning.) She assured me that the doctor really felt this was the way to go. Well it was too late now anyways...

And thus we are left with sexpectations. We did the dirty last night, and again this morning. I feel nothing in terms of ovulation, but I'm not too sure what I should be feeling. It is probably that I have only ovulated a handful of times in my entire life, so this is pretty foreign to me.

What's next? The 2ww of course!

In two weeks my clinic will be closed for two weeks. I am left to my own devices to find out if I am pregnant. No beta for me. My nurse assured me that seeing as I will have ovulated I will definately get my period if I am not pregnant. So I won't be left with any doubts. Being the planner-aheader that I am, I asked her this morning when we spoke if the doctor could set me up with some BCPs should my period come, and she suggested waiting the weeks that they are closed to give my ovaries a rest. Which means that the earliest I will be able to cycle again is at the very end of January.

I certainly don't want to go writing this cycle off yet (I think I will give myself 12 days till I test), so I will save the reasons why a February cycle is not so good for me until I have to think about it.

In the meantime, I am trying to stock up on ideas to carry me through the next two weeks. Here is my list:
1. Finally get to the 5 things about me tag
2. Also get to Mel's 2007 tag
3. Plan our family Chanukah party
4. Buy Chanukah gifts for my nieces, Christmas gifts for The C's neices
5. Bake cookies
6. Try out mini cake pan that I bought on Thanksgiving
7. Make soaps from M.artha St.ewart's Holiday craft book
8. Stay way on top of my work (which I am usually only semi-on top of)
9. Unpack 3 boxes of stuff that are in my spare room
10. Re-learn to knit, and make a scarf that goes with my new jacket (in pink)
11. Worry (read:obsess) about how the holidays (and my birthday on the 26th) will affect me if I get the non-desired result on the 22nd.

I'm certain I can take care of #11, and pretty sure I will get to 1 &2. If any of the others in between happen, you will be the first to know!

Thursday, December 07, 2006


Yup, that's right. But from whom, you ask? Well good question blogger extrordinaires! It's your lucky day because I'm here to provide an answer.

Part One: What I needed to hear from you guys.
There are not enough words in the universe to describe how wonderful you guys are to me. I know I said this yesterday, but I am amazed at the support, empathy, suggestions, and accounts of similar situations that you provide me with. I really don't know what I would do without you. I would probably be at the edge of a cliff, deciding that this is all not worth it, and also impossible. Every day that you visit me, and reassure me, and provide me with (goofy) virtual hugs, I can take a step away from that edge and closer to sanity and understanding. I am so not alone, and though it's fucking crazy that any of us have to experience this, I am so glad to have you.

Part deux: What I needed to hear from The C
After yesterday's appointment I really didn't know what to think. Follicles growing, follicles shrinking. What the hell was going on. Plus, when I tried to talk to TWBD, all I got were mumbles. He "said" that it was all going alright, and this is just part of the process (in actuality he nodded when I asked him yes or no questions.) By the time The C got home form work at 7.30 I was in some kind of state. The minute I saw him I burst into tears and told him about the incredibly shrinking follicles. I let him know that it wasn't only the follie size that was getting to me, but also that I could not communicate with my doctor. I also asked him (knowing that it was next to impossible) if he would come to today's scan wiht me because I really need the support. Without hesitation he told me he would be there. He understood how frustrated I was and how much I needed him with me, even if it meant pissing his boss (my dad!) off. We sat and talked for a while about how our treatment so far was affecting us. I am so happy that we were able to sit and talk rationally about all that has been going on. The C's love and support last night was exactly what I needed.

Part tres: What I needed to hear from TWBD.
Ok, the truth of the matter is that I can't hear anything but mumbles and grunts, but I got what I needed to hear from Nurse Wonderful. My scan this morning, attended by The C, showed a range of follicles between 15 and 19mm. It felt really great to have The C with me, seeing what the procedure was, as well as what my ovaries were showing. As usual, TWBD said nothing during the wanding, and mumbled something as he headed towards the door. The C finally understood where all the frustrations were coming from! I dressed and we stepped out of the room to be met by NW and ushered into her office. (If this hadn't happened, The C was going to request that we sit with her and the doctor so that we can talk about where this was heading.) NW had great news: TWBD would like me to have an hCG shot tonight! YES! Your eyes do not deceive you! hCG TONIGHT! Woo hoo!! Music to my ears.

This is the way it's all supposed to go down:
9:00 tonight: hCG injection
9:30 tonight: sex-on-demand
9:30 tomorrow: post-coital test to see if sperm are alive in cervical mucous
If results of PCT are negative, then IUI Saturday morning.
If results of PCT are positive (ie: sperm are alive and kicking in CM), then fuck like rabbits.

I know there has been talk around these parts about the validity of the PCT. Ladies (Lut, Thalia), I can't tell you how much I value your input on the matter. I totally understand what you are saying about the test not showing anything worthwhile. I have a number of trains of thought on this one. The first is: it really wouldn't hurt to know if The C's sperm live in my CM. Second: the fact of the matter is that I don't think that my CM is very "good" (nothing even remotely related to EW has yet to appear down there), so I don't think that we are looking at a positive result. Thirdly: TWBD is willing to move to IUI if the result is not good, which suits me fine. Fourth: If there are actually live sperm in my CM, I think that we would like to give one final go at having a baby with actual sex. And finally: I think that if I had more guts I would insist on doing the IUI, but I don't think I have it in me.

So that's the scoop gals! In summary: I love you, I love my husband, and I love my clinic. There is a part of me that is so freaking excited (can you tell how green I am), and then the other part (like 98% part) that already sees the peestick with no second line.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006


OK, this is driving me BONKERS. (And I'm sure my day by day account of my overian production is driving you guys bonkers. But anyways.)

Today's count is as follows: 5 follicles ranging from 15-17mm.

HELLO? I know we talked about the small ones shrinking so that the big ones can get more oompf... But the BIG ONE SHRUNK too.

Another night of 20IU Pur.egon for moi.

I do have to add that my lining is up to 8.5mm. That at least is a steady climb.

One more note: thank you guys so much for your never-ending support and wealth of information that you have been giving me over the past 10 days. I know I'm coo-coo, but I can't even imagine how crazy I would be if I didn't have you guys who understood me.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006


Indeed, I believe this is a case of slow and steady wins the race. Today is cd14, and if I were a normal follicle grower and ovulator I believe I would have insemination by now. But I am not, so let's examine the situation at hand.

I didn't update my follicle count after my Sunday u/s because I was pretty bummed. There were 5 present, ranging from 11mm-14mm. I was sent on my way with instructions to continue just what I had been doing- 20IU, u/s in 2 days.

This morning I had my scan, and low and behold, there were 5 follicles ranging from 14mm-18mm. Halleluja, sisters! Finally one at 18! I can't even tell you how relieved I am. TWBD wants to see me again tomorrow, after I do one more injection at 20IU tonight. We may actaully be getting somewhere.

I can't even imagine how the follicles would grow if I was on higher doses of Pur.egon. I believe I would be on a fast train to OHSS city. I guess my doctor know what he's doing. Next step: let's see if I ovulate.

Oh, and if you have a chance, pop on over to Shlomit at You're Still Young. She had her IUI#3 on Sunday, so let's send her lots of support. I'm rooting for your follies, girl!

Friday, December 01, 2006


I feel the need to write everything down. Today was interesting in the ultrasound chair. Whereas two days ago there were 5 follicles, today there were just 4. They measured from 8cm-14cm. I am a bit confused... how can one disappear? How can they not grow?

I am to continue on 20IU of Pur.egon, and go back on Sunday.

Will slow and steady win the race? What should I be expecting here? Please advise. Please. There will a rewards handed out for those who have knowledge for me.