Wednesday, August 22, 2007


Is there anyone out there still reading? If so, this post is for you. And also for me, cuz it would be nice to have some account of this journey. I have so many little things to talk about. I might as well make a list, or I may never get to everything that I want to say.

1. I have not had any spotting for the last 8 days. (Make that 8 days, 2 hours and 32 minutes. But who's counting?) I see this as a big step forward. BIG. I still hesitate at each wipe, but a little less so as each day goes by. I do realize that since it I had spotting before that it may happen again. But I am getting alot better at not freaking out of late.

2. I had my first OB appointment last Wednesday. The most remarkable thing about it was that I waited for 3 hours. Apparently in these parts that's "normal". I know it's not cool, and for some it may even be cause to look elsewhere for care. I have thought long and hard about this since my positive test, and I really like my doctor, I am comfortable with the hospital in which I will give birth, and I am not so good with change. So I'll be staying with my OB/GYN, who when I initially posted about her I called Dr. Happy-go-lucky. And she is so cheerful, so I will be sticking with that name.

Other than the wait, the appointment was fine. She was thrilled to see me, pregnant and all. She did an internal exam and told me everything felt really "nice". We tried the doppler out-but no cigar. I was very surprised at how little this bothered me. (perhaps because I had just seen the baby 4 days prior, and knew that I would be seeing him again in 4 days!!) She had a good laugh at the number of u/s I've had, but was happy that it was making me feel more confident. We discussed first trimester screening, the 18-20 week scan, and I made an appointment to see he in the middle of September.

3. We went in to our clinic last Saturday for another scan (9 wks). My mom came with us- she was so excited. At first Dr. New was all- here's the heartbeat, everything looks great, you're measuring right on target, etc.. THEN he showed us the baby's little arms and legs. It was truly AMAZING. There is no other word for it!

He also pointed out a sliver of blood at the bottom of the sac. (Not a clot, but a bit of a crescent adjacent to the sac.) I asked him if there was a name for this and he said "no". But told me to continue taking it easy. Which I am. Very much so. Because while he said it's not such a cause for concern, he also told me that "I didn't want to know" what can happen if it got to be a bigger problem. Look I am no embroyonic expert but it sounds a bit to me like placenta previa from what I have read. The only problem with this is that all my reading material points to this occuring in the second trimester, and resolving by the third. So what if it is this, and it's occuring with me at 9 weeks- what does that mean?? (I KNOW, I don't want to KNOW, but i want to know, you know?) SO if you swell internets have any info for me, it would be greatly appreciated.

4. Contrary to how that last paragraph sounded, I am actully not hysterical over this. Really, I'm not. I haven't bled at all, so I am trying to think of myself as "normal".

5. Dr. New doctor smiled at the end of our last appointment and asked me if I would like to have another scan. OF COURSE I said yes! He laughed, and siad it would be his pleasure, but after that I am cut off. I'm happy he gave me a week's warning so I could get a head start on the withdrawl. I am so thankful that he has been so kind over the past weeks. And I am lucky that my RE is still willing to scan me at 10 weeks. (Though a friend was quick to point out that this really is a business that he's running, and at $75 for 10 minutes work it's bad business to say no to me!)

6. Speaking of 10 weeks. TEN WEEKS. Tomorrow. Holy shit. It's still weird to think that I can put me and pregnant in the same sentence. But here we are. As a matter of fact, over the past week or so I am seeing the following equation pop up every so often: ME + PREGNANT = CAUTIOUS EXCITEMENT. I know. Who woulda thunk it.

7. But the infertile in me is as alive as this baby. And as the bits of happiness start to creep in, I find that they are not erasing the past 2+ years of fear, worry, and doubt that my body can do what it's supposed to. I take everyday as a tiny step forward, and pray (in my way) for the best possible outcome.

Friday, August 17, 2007


I spoke with my mother earlier this morning. She had some news for me.

The World's Best Doctor had died on Tuesday. I sat in complete shock as she read me the obituary.

I know he was sick- he had to stop working. But it just seemed to happen so fast. It seems so unfair that such a wonderful person who has helped so many bring lives into this world should leave us so young. He was only 49! I also just found out (upon my visit to my OB on Wednesday) that the nurse at my clinic is TWBD's wife. I had an incling, but I never felt comfortable coming out and asking her. I am just feeling such sadness for her and their little girl.

I will always remeber him. I don't know where we would be today without him.

Monday, August 13, 2007


I figured I wouldn't bore you all week with my neuroses. I wish I could write that I feel tons better, and that I am happily entrenched in this pregnancy, but I still can't. Hopefully soon, though.

Here is the run down of what's been going on...

I spotted every so often last week- maybe once a day. I became used to it, and though I would panic upon wiping, I realized that maybe "normal" for me was seeing traces of pinky/orange. It wasn't bright red, and my doctor seemed to think that all was ok, so I took many deep breaths and continued to move forward.

On Saturday we went in for another u/s. Everything looked perfect- great heartbeat, and measuring 8w4d. Dr. New was pleased, but advised that I still take it easy for another week, just to be sure. He also mentioned that it was time to get in touch with my OB to get in with her, although he assured me that he would see me next week for another scan if I wanted. Well, of course I wanted!

The C and I were both pretty happy (yes, I was happy!) and we got in the car and headed to Vermont to visit with my aunt (where I took it easy.) I did feel relief for most parts of the day, and even a bit of joy as we shared our u/s photos with my aunt, uncle and cousin.

And then yesterday morning I woke up, went to pee, and wiped- only to see bright red blood on the toilet paper. I wiped again- more red. And the again- and nothing. I freaked out and called The C into the bathroom (actually, I freaked out, yelled FUCK, my aunt came to the door and asked if I was alright, and then she got The C for me!) Of course he was also concerned, but he talked me down off the ledge, and I proceed with my restful day. Of course, par for the course, there was nothing the rest of the day.

All this spotting/no spotting really puts a damper on going to the bathroom. I have to work up my nerve each time. It's taking its toll, I tell ya.

Naturally, I was worried this morning during my first bathroom visit- but there was nothing. And nothing all morning... until about 10 minutes ago. Now, excuse me if this is too much information, but: I am finding that I am a trifle constipated, and I have had the need to, er, push a bit harder than usual. As I wiped, I again saw some bright red on the tp. Not as much as yesterday, but still. Now here's my question: when I thought back to yesterday, I realized that the red had occurred after the same, um, circumstance. Is it possible that my pushing can cause some bleeding??

I am trying so hard to stay level by thinking that spotting in normal in some pregnancies. Also, while the spotting has been red the past 2 days, it isn't dark red (like heavy period), nor is it clotty, nor is there ever enough to even get on my underwear. So I'm trying to think of this as a simple reality of my pregnancy, and perhaps that I am meant to deal with this instead of nausea...

I have put in a call to my clinic (I'm waiting to hear back), and I have made an OB appointment. Lucky for me I got to speak to the nice receptionist there. (For a recall of how I have been treated by the narsty receptionist, please see this post and also this one.) Receptionist M's son and daughter-in-law have 2 children conceived with the help of my non-speaking doctor, so she is very well aware of how hard I have worked to get to this point. She was very excited to hear my news, and when I expressed concern over the spotting she gave me an appointment for this Wednesday. Bless her!

I'll keep you updated, but I am really feeling that my posting has become a lot of "same shit, different day", and is perhaps boring. Thanks to you all for sticking with me, and for your support over the last weeks.

Sunday, August 05, 2007


I woke up yesterday morning in a panic.

I can't tell you what my panic was attributed to. I had tried so hard all week to remain calm, cool and collected. In my post on Friday I told you my scan was a mere two and a half days away. It seemed so close- I would definitely make it. But yesterday morning I felt nervous all over again. I waited til 9 and called my clinic. They told me to come in a few hours later.

Can I tell you how much I love my clinic? And I like Dr. New too. I wish I knew him better, and he knew me better, but beggars can't be choosers here. He's really alright.

So we did our scan and we instantly saw our little heartbeat. Relief, relief, relief. That's all I can say. Everything measure right on, and the heartbeat was strong. We even got to hear it. And more good news: the clot seemed to have left the building.

After seeing that all was ok, the doctor wanted to know what was freaking me out so much. I told him that sometimes I get waves of panic that I can't control. It doesn't help that I don't seem to have consistent symptoms, either. I feel a bit queasy on and off (but have never vomited), and my boobs, which hurt a lot in week 5, hurt much less now. He assured me, that although he does not have a crystal ball, he has no reason to think that this pregnancy won't proceed normally.

All through this The C has been supportive. I know he thinks that I'm crazy, but he tries his very best to keep me calm. We left the clinic reassured, and I enjoyed the rest of my day. I even slept well last night (perhaps better than I have in weeks), and had a fun morning. We came home from Brunch and I was exhausted, so I lay down for a couple of hours.

I woke up to go to the bathroom, and upon wiping saw some more traces of blood. This is the first bit of spotting since Monday's episode, and I know following that everything was ok. I am trying to focus my thoughts on that. Even if my clinic was open I'm not sure I would have called them. I am going to wait til tomorrow and see what's going on then.

Why can't I have more than 24 hours peace??

Friday, August 03, 2007


I think I complained amply on Tuesday to last the entire week. So no more.

I am trying to concentrate on the good, and making an effort to stay on an even keel. Like many of you have suggested, I am breathing deeply and focusing on growing baby thoughts. I've had a restful week as my doctor recommended; I've hardly left my house at all. I'm not grumbling about that much because apparently it's sweltering hot out there. And I don't like to sweat.

The In-laws are coming this weekend and The C has promised that I won’t have to do anything. I feel a little silly taking it easy, but if I get the desired end result then I guess it’s all worth it. Also-if I don’t kick back and relax and something happens there will be a ton of self-blame happening in these here parts.

Only 2 and a half more days til the u/s. Trust me, I’m counting every second. My mantra: just have to make it to Monday to see that everything’s ok. Rinse and repeat.

The last little tidbit that I can share with you is last night’s dream. It was so vivid, I think I scared myself by waking up. I dreamt that our baby had a poopy diaper, and I asked The C to change it. What did he do? He filled our deep soak tub with water and was dipping the baby in. And then he dropped her. And he thought it was funny. I was right there and grabbed her quick, but it was too late. Then, weirdly, she began to shrink until there was nothing left of her but a spongy toy-like thing in the palm of my hand. Of course this would never happen… but where on earth did this dream come from??!!

Alright- time to wrap up here. Happy weekend to all, and you bet you’ll see me here on Monday.