MONTH ONE

My precious pumpkin,

I can hardly believe you have been around a month already. (Yes, I know it's a few days late, but so were you coming into this world, so let's just call it even.) We use the phrase "I can't believe that..." alot around here. That's because you're unbelievable. You are pretty amazing, little guy. We worked so hard to get you and you are all ours. It still seems so unreal.

When your papa and I carried you out of the hospital (the first time, when you were 2 days old), we looked at each other and mused: I can't believe they are just going to let us walk out of here with this perfect child. Truth be told, even though I had yearned for you for 32 months (plus an extra 9 days for good measure!) I had no idea what we were doing.

One month later I am learning minute by minute and day by day what your needs are. You are doing a great job of teaching me what you need. Your classes are very hard- some of the hardest I have ever attended- but I think that I'm passing.

One of the toughest classes by far has been breastfeeding. At first I couldn't even imagine that my breasts would be able to nourish you. I know, it's an age-old art, but when it came down to doing it, you and I, I found myself thinking "how's that gonna work?!". After many trying times (made much more difficult because of your stay in the NICU) it would seem that we have this eating thing down pat. It's like a well choreographed dance: you whimper, I whip out my boob, you are thrilled. Lesson learned. We even successfully got you fed in public on a number of occasions. Really, I can't believe that my breast milk is making you grow big and strong.

And big and strong you certainly are! At your 2 week check-up you weighed 8lb 4oz, and I'm sure you are well over 9lb by now. I feel it- you are getting heavier. And pudgier-your thighs, hands and neck are really filling out. It's amazing to watch day by day how you are learning to control your body parts. Your neck is so strong- you often want to hold up your head all on your own. And you have discovered how to get your hands to your mouth- a feat that requires so much coordination! It's so fun to lay you on your tummy for a minute or two and watch you stretch and exercise your arms and legs- you seem to have endless amounts of energy bursting out of your every limb!

But, I have to admit, it is more fun to watch you sleep peacefully. Primarily because with your eyes closed you look so peaceful and beautiful. I feel like I could sit and stare at you for hours. But I can't- this is the time that I use to get stuff done: work, laundry, shower, pee, the list can go on and on! Sometimes, if I'm lucky, I am able to take a nap too. Oh, and the second reason that I love to watch you sleep? It's knowing that once again I was able to do something right by you: it's a major accomplishment sending you off into dreamland.

Speaking of major, let's take a moment to discuss your poop. Kid: you poop like no other. Your quantity, frequency and timing are probably unparalleled. We had to move to a bigger diaper size just to be able to contain your movements. (All is normal, I have been assured. But it DOES seem like alot.) One skill you have mastered is the projectile poop. Oh, your papa and I have learned our lesson! Change that diaper FAST. Last week your poop travelled no less than 5 feet across the room when our timing was off. And somehow the other day you managed to plant poo on papa's leg. Still trying to figure that one out.

I think your papa and I thought we would never become the type of parents to discuss sleeping, crying, eating and pooping with so much interest and enthusiasm. But you are the new centre of our universe, and these are your crowning achievements. How could we not spend hours dissecting their frequency, change or meaning? I mean, it's all just so important!

The newest lesson I have learned is that if I do everything right by you, you will give me the biggest reward of all. You show me what love and joy and feel like. You have even started showing me your gorgeous gummy toothless grin. A smile that melts my heart, that makes me think: I can do this, and I'm doing it right. And that, most of all, is so amazing to believe.

I love you.

YOU ARE REWARDED

There aren't enough ways to thank you guys for your comments, support and suggestions following my last post.

As promised, your compensation for being so wonderful follows below.

First off, the baby's room (formerly known as the little room. I STILL can't believe it's for a real live baby!)

And here is a random selection of Sacha, currently known by my husband as "Super Pooper":

I'm biased and all, but I think he's pretty delish. If you can tear your eyes away from the little guy, I just wanted to respond to some of your suggestions...

1- As you can see in the picture above, I DO have a sling, and YES, it is marvelous. As I type this Sacha is breathing hot air down my cleavage in a wonderfully restful nap. (While I love the sling, wearing it for him to nap means that I can't nap while he is. But I can blog...)

2- Penis has been pointed down and diaper leakage has abated. Why was it pointed up to begin with, you may wonder? Because my husband likes his pointed up, and well, he assumed the baby would too! OY!

3- Yesterday I moved to size 1 diapers. Also with much success. It seems funny because they are SO BIG on Sacha, but they are doing the trick. It's hard to believe that he has already grown out of something!

4- I had purchased The Happiest Baby on the Block prior to Sacha's birth, but didn't get the chance to read it. I have, however, read it now. You are all right, Dr. Karp is a genius. I have mastered most of the 5 S's, and can calm Sacha easily. I find that getting him from calm to sleep a bit more difficult.

5- Also, after reading the book I realize that Sacha isn't really that fussy. It's perhaps more that I am a little low on patience. I am trying to adapt...

6- About my husband... Dawn made a wonderful point about leaving the baby with him for an extended period of time. I would have no problem doing that, and neither would he. The only issue is that until June he is working 12 hour days, 7 days a week, and will not have a day off. That's just the way the cookie crumbles in our family-run business, and there is little either of us can do about it. But I still reserve the right to complain!!

Ok, I'm off to try to get a bit of rest. I will post more on how life changes after baby when I have a moment. And also- the birth story will be up one of these days. (Hopefully before March 2009!)

MY BOY IS A POOP MACHINE

Or: Stuff That May or May Not be of Interest to You.

I don't know... do you want to hear about Sacha? How cute and delicious he is? How when he "smiles" he has a dimple that matches mine, and it can make your heart melt?

Or would you prefer to hear about how deluded I was about being a mother because I was so blinded by wanting a child that I never in my wildest imagination thought that being mommy to an infant would be so overwhelming?

Or how about the fact that my husband went back to work when Sacha was 5 days old, leaving me to sit in the NICU by myself? How he gets to go off and be normal everyday, thinking it's easy to parent because: look the baby fell asleep after I rocked him for 15 minutes- your days can't be that hard! How our relationship will never be the same, and although I knew it wouldn't, I could not have imagined how.

Or how I'm not 100% certain that paragraph 1 above makes up for paragraphs 2 and 3.

I'll let you decide what you want me to blog about, and I'll post about it next time.

In the meantime, I have some questions for some of you who are currently in the infant rearing stage. (I really have to get out and join a "group" or something. Because I don't have anyone around me with a baby. But I am scared shitless of interacting with run of the mill fertiles, you know?)

Ok, so...

1. What kind of diapers are you using? Cuz Sacha seriously seems to leak through any type we have tried so far. Is it a boy thing? He gets wet spots on the back of all his clothes because his penis (pointing up) pees out of the top front of the diaper and then runs along to the back. Or am I just a horrible diaper-putter-oner?

2. What do you do with a child who is dry, fed, and being rocked, but still is crying? At these times I find myself going batty. And then I start crying. And then no one is doing anyone any good over here.

3. Also- being alone all day at home- that I'm used to from my past 4 years of self-employment. But being at home with an infant who is in constant need of you? Diaper, feed, play, rock to sleep, repeat. I have to eat, I have to shower, I have to do load after load of poopy laundry, I have to do a bit of work (I have to blog...). What is with this notion of "sleep when the baby is sleeping"? How am I supposed to do that??!!

Ach... is anyone still reading anyways?

If you are, then remember your homework- topic to write about from first part of post, and answers to my questions from second part of post.

Next time you may be rewarded with yummy pics. And pics of the baby room which I never posted.

HOME SWEET HOME, AGAIN

We got discharged from the NICU on Friday afternoon, and Sacha made his second trip home from the hospital. He was up close to his birth weight and nice and rosy looking. The three days there were the hardest of my life so far. My heart goes out to all of you who have had extended stays in the NICU. I can't even begin to imagine.

On Sunday we returned for a weight check and bili count. Sacha had lost a bit of weight, but the pediatrician was not concerned as I have been exclusively breastfeeding him. The doctor looked at his colour, thought he looked terrific and decided there was no need to prick the baby for his blood. We were sent home with a clean bill of health (and an order to see our pediatrician in a couple of days time for a weight check.)

So far so good. I have met with a Lactation Consultant (who I love!) to ensure that I am feeding Sacha properly. I wasn't so concerned with his feeding immediately post-partum, but when he became jaundiced I couldn't help but think that it was my fault, that I wasn't feeding him well. The LC told me that as long as he was peeing often (6+ wet diapers a day) and gaining weight then I was doing my job. Let me tell you, now that he is well, my little boy pees and poos like a pro.

Tomorrow we are off to the pedi for his weight check, and then I will know for sure how he is doing.

Tomorrow in the late afternoon we are also having his bris. His first Jewish milestone.

This is by far the hardest thing that I have ever done. But every time I look into my little son's eyes I fall in love a million times over.

ONE VALUABLE THING ABOUT COMMUNITY...

Is the knowledge you gain from others' experiences.

When Sacha was admitted to the NICU this afternoon I knew what to expect. It's not knowledge that I wanted to ever have (much like all the endless details about TTC), but today I was glad I was able to remain on two feet as we wheeled our little guy into perhaps the beeping-est room in the hospital.

It's nothing "serious", in terms of the simple I can never compare what we are going through to the endless realities I have read about from you guys. But I think that I was able to hold it together because I knew what to expect.

It's quite simple, really. Sacha was jaundiced, lost too much of his birth weight, wasn't peeing or pooping.

For the past 11 hours he has been under the lamps, and been having an IV infusion. When we left tonight he was already looking somewhat better and his bili levels had dropped. And he made a couple of pees.

I was afraid it was because of my breastfeeding, but it turns out that all the symptoms are just snowball effects of the jaundice.

It was terribly difficult to leave the hospital tonight with an empty car seat. And now I am sitting here being sad about not being up with my little bundle all night walking the hallway. Hopefully we will have him back where he belongs tomorrow.

So ya. He is going to be ok. We are going to be ok. I just wanted to again thank this community.

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SIGHT IN THE WORLD*

S.acha M.atias was born on Saturday, March 29 at 6.33pm weighing 7lb 7oz and measuring 20inches. He is named after The C's maternal granfather Silverio and my maternal grandfather Melvin. It is our honour to honour their memories.

As you can see, he's perfect. We are thrilled, but we are facing some challenges.

My birthing story isn't the one I had thought I would have, but it is mine nonetheless, and I am proud of myself, my husband and our little guy. And I will forever worship the ground my doula** and her tireless student walk on.

I have started on the birth story, but wanted to let you all know the great news as soon as I could. Thanks for all the wishes so far-they sure are making today alot easier.

* Except for Serenity, Oro, Dawn, Kate, Artblog and Somewhat Ordinary's (pwp) guys. (OMG we all had boys, I just realized!!) Congrats to all you fine women.

** Here she is, written up in the newspaper!

THE LEAST I CAN DO IS UPDATE YOU

Seeing as I have yet to produce the baby...

Highlights of the past 24 hours:

1- I have lost all or at least part of my mucous plug. It hasn't been bloody, just more discharge with globs of mucous and (tmi) some jelly-like bits. This is encouraging, my cervix must be opening more.

2- I have officially finished all my work I set out to do before the baby comes (I am self-employed so I do plan to continue working somewhat, or I won't make any money!), I have filed and paid my taxes, and all my accounting is up to date.

3- I woke up around 5.30 am with some cramps. They came and went about every 7 minutes or so until mid-morning. They weren't terribly painful, but still not fun. Although they were not rhythmic the rest of the day, they were still present. Again- encouraging.

4- Our crib finally arrived! Yes, only today! A month later than we had been promised. It is assembled and made, and I am so pleased with our choice of furniture and bedding! Still waiting on the dresser though! If I have nothing exciting to post in the next few days I will definitely get some pics up.

5- For those suggesting sex- we did that this morning. Maybe it helped. Who knows? Won't The C be pleasantly surprised if I suggest more of the same tomorrow morning!!

6- NST and fluid check set for tomorrow morning. I have been drinking like crazy in order to keep my fluids high all day today. I am a b it nervous about speaking with my doctor following the tests, but we shall see. Maybe I will go into labour tonight and it will all be moot.

7- Spoke with my doula this aft and she seems very to think that all is going well. I will speak with her after my tests tomorrow so that she can help me make an informed decision.

Finally, and always: A million hugs to you all for being here time and time again. I want to have little boy pics to reward you with. Just bear with me and my body!!