Friday, September 29, 2006


Thank you everyone for your encouraging words vis a vis my last post. It really helped to hear about your personal experiences, and your advice how to handle the situation.

Yesterday morning I told The C that I couldn't take thinking about what will happen when he asks my dad for the time for the appointments anymore. The night before I was having terrible stomach pains, most definately from anxiety. I was clearly driving myself nuts. My wonderful husband assured me that he would speak to my father that very day. I went to pick up my mom at their place of business, and enquired if he had done the asking as of yet. He hadn't, so I told him to invite my parents for dinner, so that we can do it at home, and I can be with him (rather than doing it at work, and making him deal with this all alone.)
Dinner plans got a bit screwed up, and my parents finally arrived at our place at 9:00. I was on the verge of being ill by this time, I was dreading this, but I knew we had to do it. We sat down to eat the take out my parents brought, and the entire meal went by. I kept looking over at The C with the "c'mon already, I am going to die" look. And dinner ended. And we kept talking about other things. And then my mom got up and said, "well I better head home"... (OMG, panic...)
The C took a deep breath and said: "I have to take a couple of hours off for 2 appointments that I have in October. We made them long ago (I interjected 7 months) so it is not possible to cancel or reschedule." And told them the date. There was a pause. It is quite possible that I stopped breathing.
"Alright, then." was my father's reply.
And that was the end of the conversation. My normally nosey parents did not say another word. They got up, bid us good night and they left.
We closed the door behind them and The C hugged me so hard. I felt like the biggest weight had been lifted off my chest. I tink my stomach pains instantly vanished. I was no longer nauseous. "I think they know," said The C, as he kept holding me tight. He's right, I'm pretty sure they have some kind of idea what's going on. The "coming out" that I thought would occur last night didn't happen, but I'm okay with that for now.

The plan of action is for us to see a urologist for The C on the 11th, then I will go alone to the RE appointment on the 12th (the one that I see as our second opinion, even though it comes first...) Then we will go to RE Original together on the 26th. Hopefully we will be able to decide which clinic to go with, and then make a game plan.

Two other bits of info for today. First, I finally got a name for a urologist from my gyn (she told me before we went away in mid-August that she would find us someone to see.) I called this doctor, and the soonest they were booking was for November. Which, like October, is no good. I made an appointment for mid-December. If that's the amount of time it takes for us to get our ducks in a row, I guess that's how long it will take. (Maybe we will decide to go with the clinic that has the urologist on staff... I don't know...)

Second, I finally got the results for The C's second semen analysis. (The woman on the phone was so patient, and took the time to explain everything to me. I thanked he many times for this.) It is in someways better, and some ways worse:
Concentration: 8 million (Normal=greater than 20 million)
Motility: 40% rapid moving, 75% overall (Normal=25% rapid, 50% overall)
Morphology: 10% (Normal=14%, but more realisitcally 6-8%)
Index calculation # of abnormalities: 1.18 (Normal=lower than 1.6)
Anti-sperm antibodies: 15-17% (Normal=lass than 50%)
Viscosity: Normal

The results of the previous analysis were: count at 20 million, it was "very viscose", and the rest of the stats "didn't look so good". (Quoted directly from my gyn, thankyouverymuch.)
I am happy we opted for the way too expensive semen analysis. no doubt about it.
So why the change? Have any of you had such a varience? And 8 million should be enough is the motility and morphology are alright, shouldn't it? (Obviously not to get me pregnant naturally, I am aware of that! Don't forget that I don't ovulate either...)

Onto the next hurdle...

Wednesday, September 27, 2006


I am good with lists. They keep my thoughts clear. I know I tend to ramble in my posts, and the only one that truly appreciates all my verbiage is my husband. (Because he loves me and cherishes every word that spews forth from my fingers. Oh barf.) The rest of you, I am sure, are all like: hurry up and get to the point, you are losing me here. Growing up, the only negative remark that was consitently on my report card? Talks too much. Old habits doe hard. But I digress. Here is my list for today, September 27, 2006, one month less one day until the RE appointment.

1. I ended my last post saying how I loved the atmoshere of the clinic where The C deposited his sperm, and so I made some appointments. The Urologist for him, the RE for me. What is the lead time for first appointments at this clinic, you ask? Four weeks, people. FOUR WEEKS. And when I pushed them, the four became a three. I am so bruised from kicking myself it's not even funny. Why did I not call them sooner? Why... I do not know. So... October 11=urologist; October 12=RE. Which is GREAT. Except for see List Item Six.

2. I am still going to keep our October 26 appointment with the Original RE at the clinic that comes highly recommended by my gyn. Very highly. To heights so high that she claims that he and his clinic are the absolute best. (There is only one RE, and so the clinic is very personalized. Which is why, I can imagine my wait to see him has been 7 months.) Also, the receptionist at my gyn's office told me about her son and his wife seeking the help of said RE (after seeing another, but not at the clinic where I have made appointments in List Item One,) and are now the proud parents of two children.

3. I'm not sure that the office of RE Original has a urologist. Is it not better to have the urologist right there in the clinic if out IF is MF and FF? Those of you in this situation, can you pass along some advice?

4. Really, I am treating the new appointments I have made as the second opinions, even though we will be seeing those doctors first. (Does that make sense?) I like the idea of the small clinic of RE Original, even though I haven’t been there yet. And it’s close to home, and The C’s work.

5. I feel like I am going insane. I am making judgments before I have been there. Before I have met the doctors and staff. I just want this so fucking much, and feel like we have waited so long, and my brain is killing me just thinking about this 25 hours a day, and The C doesn’t really understand how come my brain thinks about this 25 hours a day, and…

6. Nevermind the insanity in my head. I must go on. So. Many appointments in October. Some new, some old. Which I mentioned in List Item One as “GREAT”. Except here is why they are not so great. Two reasons. A) My husband works with my parents. Having an appointment means asking for time off from my dad. Which normally is not a problem. Stating: “I have an appointment, and it’s private,” usually does the trick. Except for B) The business my family runs is seasonal. As in this year the “season” is starting October 10. As in they work 7 days a week, fourteen hours a day, and NO APPOINTMENTS allowed, because, well, it’s busy, so no one can eat lunch, much less LEAVE the premises for an hour or two. And even less for two appointments! (The C and I have come to the conclusion that I can go to the appointment that I am seeing as the second opinion alone, because there is no way in hell he can ask for 3 different times off.)

7. We have waited 7 months for these appointments. I AM NOT GOING ALONE. I AM NOT RESCEDULING. (Rescheduling to a less busy time would mean January.) (Have any of you gone to the initial consult alone? Can you do that? And how bad does that look? Especially seeing as we have MF involved too.) But this means that The C will have to make a pretty convincing argument as to why he should be allowed time off. Which will probably involve telling him the truth. And my dad is a tough bastard (whom I love), with little empathy or understanding for personal situations that interfere with the running of his business. Which is why The C hasn’t told him about the time he will need. And so my stress surrounding the appointments is compounded.

8. Maybe some of you understand why I am having heart palpitations?

Oy vey. I tried making a list in an attempt in keeping this concise. Which I did not. I can’t seem to write a short and sweet post. There is too much in my head.

Thursday, September 21, 2006


I alluded to the high price of Tuesday's semen analysis in my previous post. It was definately the most expensive orgasm The C has ever had. And I have to say, at this juncture, that it was 90% worth the price tag. (If you are wondering what would make it 100% worth it, it would be if the report comes back with "normal" stamped all over it.) (Oh, that, and if our insurance covers it.)
I waited for The C outside the office building where the clinic was. I was a bit nervous... I mentioned before that this was going to be my first time walking into a fertility clinic (albeit not the one with the much anticipated October 26th appointment,) so I didn't know quite what to expect. Let me say that the foyer blew me away. It was like walking into an upscale lawyer's office, not into a medical joint. It was almost homey, with leather sofas, a wall of books, and a fireplace. And the receptionist was a sweetheart. It was all very discreet. (Although all the couples there obviously knew what the others were there for, as they only schedule SAs at this time of day.)
A nurse called The C and escorted us to the back of the clinic (where I got a peak at many different rooms and was impressed with the impeccability of it all.) We were brought to one of the "Salles d'homme", equiped with leather chair, various paraphernalia, and a sink. Oh, and mood lighting. Our instructions were easy. Do what you have to do, place the sample cup inside another provided cup, and place that one in a secure box in the wall that can only be opened by the clinic, and then depart, leaving the door open. (Wow, no carrying the sample from a bathroom across a waiting room full of people like last time!)
By the time I had locked the door, The C had chosen and popped in a chosen Hustler DVD. The lighting was good, the audio visual aids were a hit, and I had donned appropriate lingerie under my street clothes. Suffice to say it did not take my man long to complete his business. THe place was so comfortable that it almost felt like we were meeting for a nooner.

Thank you up above for expensive priviate labs.


I was so impressed with the clinic that I did schedule an appointment with an RE for me, and a urologist for The C. I will post more on that in another post, because I have to sort out my thoughts on how we are going to proceed.

Monday, September 18, 2006


Thanks all for the anniversary wishes. Mel inquired about the celebration, and so I will share.
Our anniversary evening was pretty uneventful. We went to my parents and had sushi and lots of wine, and then came home and fell asleep. This was fine with me because while we were in London we treated ourselves to an awesome night on the town and justified it by saying it would be our anniversary celebration. Allow me to tell you about that.
Our evening started with theatre tickets. I am a musical theatre fanatic, something I inherited from my dad who loves to sing show tunes. All my life I have been dying to see Guys and Dolls, the show my dad says is one of the best "oldies". The C splurged to 8th row tickets to the show, and I was thrilled! I didn't even think we would be able to get seats, because Patrick Swayze was starring! Patrick Swayze! Live! Like 8 rows from me! At various intervals The C inquired whether the price was worth it. Oh yes it was! What an indulgence. On top of it all, The C presented me with chocolate ice cream during intermission. A real treat! I love that you can purchase this fine dessert in a cup at West End theatres.
Basking in the afterglow of the show, we decided to check out a restaurant in St Martins Lane that we had heard about.
We strutted into St Martins Lane Hotel, and strode over to Asia de Cuba. This place is so ultra chic and hip it was a little daunting being there (being that we are neither chic nor hip.) I enjoy outstanding design and formidable food, and the restaurant and hotel were the most exquisite marriage of the two. The C and I are shameless design and food snobs, and our choice of post-theatre dining did not disappoint. While this is by far the most expensive meal I have ever eaten, I have to tell you that it was worth every hard earned British Pound. People, if I were a religious girl, this is what worship would be.
Drunk, stuffed and wowed to the nth degree, we staggered back to our (much less cool) hotel and partook in some HOT sex. I will not go into further details.
Two weeks early, but Happy Anniversary indeed.


Tomorrow The C is off for semen analysis numero deux. (You see, I'm from Montreal, I speak French!) I booked an appointment at one of the clinics (not the clinic that we are waiting for our October 26th apointment at. They don't do lab work unless you are a patient.) I am excited about going to this place for a number of reasons. The first one is the facilities. Before even booking I was very forward in inquiring about the place that The C would have to work in. I explained the last time, and how anything near that would be unacceptable. I was assured it was like being at home. Second is that this is in a real live fertility place. It will be the first time that I am stepping into such a venue. I am looking forward to seeing what it is like, and looking into booking an appointment (something tell me they give out appointments with more fervor than the joint we have been waiting 7 months for) if by chance we will want a second opinion.
What I am indeed NOT looking forward to is the price. This expedition will cost three times (yes THREE TIMES) what it cost to analyse at the lab. Hopefully our insurance will cover it, and if not, that it is worth the hefty price tag.
Wish us luck, and stay tuned for the story which will surely ensue.


Hmm... I had a stird bit of stuff to report, but it seems to have escaped my mind. No matter, I have to change from my stinky gym clothes as I have a client who will ring the bell momentarily. If said item pops back into my head (and is of any importance whatsoever) I will be certain to ammend this post.


Oh ya! Are there any other Montrealers out there? I'm just wondering...

Friday, September 15, 2006


Three years ago we giggled all day, making it the best day in our lives so far. Each day I love you more and more. I can't imagine my life without you. Thank you for being you, and loving me the way only you know how.

(Our anniversary was yesterday, but you know, I'm a little slow on the uptake.)

Tuesday, September 12, 2006


A while ago I was blogged about all the pregnancy announcements that were slapping me in the face left, right and centre. It seemed like everyone in the world was pregnant (except me and you guys), and it sent me into the worst funk that I think that I have ever experienced in my entire life. Those of you who follow along closely at home will probably remember it. For my friends joining the program recently, you can read all about it here. Meltdown city, and thankfully I am in a much better place these days.
Seven months ago my best friend told me that her sister was two months pregnant. It was unplanned and accidental, but I knew that having a baby was something that my friend's sister, let's call her Yolanda, had wanted for a long time, so I was thrilled for her. Our fertility problems were just coming into the light at the time, and though I wasn't pregnant yet, I naively thought that I very well may be soon. Yolanda came back to Montreal to be with her family so that they could help out when the baby came. At first I was so so excited to see her. I had just started my first round of clomid and was thinking "that could be me any time!" Of course we know how the this has panned out for me. And Yolanda's belly kept growing and looked more beautiful by the day, making it very difficult to be around her and hear of all the cute baby stuff she was experiencing. I was at once so torn with being happy for her, and wanting to obsessively know what was going on with her body because I wanted to learn all about pregnancy, and wanting nothing to do with her. At the time of my meltdown I decided taht I would try to steer clear of my friend's sister, but kindly ask my friend for updates and to pass along my good wishes. I felt bad doing this, but I was in self-preservation mode.
Yolanda's pregnancy announcement was the first that I had to deal with as the reality of IF was settling into my brain. I was really worried about how I would react to the news when my friend called to tell me about the birth of her nephew.
Well I wonder no more. Baby season has begun. Yolanda gave birth to her perfect son early Sunday morning. When my friend called to tell me she had gone into labour I nearly started crying from happiness. When she called the following day to recount the birth (my friend was her sister's coach and was with her throughout most of her 22 hour labour), I was choked up all over again. Last night Yolanda was home from the hospital, and I bit the bullet and went over to see her and the baby. I was so overwhelmed to see him. He was so beautiful, perfect and precious.
I amazed myself. I was so worried about having feelings of jealousy, bitterness and anger. Of felling petty, incompetent and broken. But seeing this baby... it was the most miraculous thing. I was happy. I couldn't stop looking at him. Peeking at him as he slep peacefully in his little vibrating seat. Engrossed as Yolanda was feeding him, as she herself was still figuring out how the whole breastfeeding thing worked. I held him and it was wonderful.
For the few hours that I spent with them IF seemed like a distant nightmare. For a short time I felt what I know my future will be.

Thursday, September 07, 2006


Have you? I doubt it. My stats certainly suck the big one. But no wonder... the same post has been at the top of the page for, like, two and a half weeks. Hark, friends, I have returned. And I am here to post. (So come visit! Stay a while. Here, have some decaf.)
I've been home for four days, and am trying to get everything back to normal (ie: reading my 183 emails and linstening to my 572 voice mails.) I have gone through all your blogs, and have done my best to catch up on everything that has gone on while I was away. I haven't commented much, but people, I have been reading. I have missed you all, and will be back a-commenting pronto, I promise.
Do any of you want to hear about my trip? Probably not, so I will give you a short round up. The C and I cruised to Ireland, Scotland, Norway, Holland, Belgium and France. The ship was wonderful, and we were absolutely pampered. We ate too much, drank way too much, and most of all spent 14 uninterrupted days with each other. We managed to get some relaxation in, despite the heavy touring schedule. And even though we are so accutely aware that our chances of making a baby the old fashioned way are, like, nil, we had boat loads of amazing, romantic, passionate sex. We reconnected on every level, and I was reminded time and time again why we chose to spend our lives together, and that it were the two of us against the world, the is no doubt that we would prevail. Because together we are awesome. I don;t know if I've ever written this here, but I love my husband so, so much. There is nothing in this world great enough to even begin to help quantify the amount.
Right, right. I've gone all gooey in the brain. (I haven't even sworn yet in this post.)
After the cruise we spent three days in London. Though definately not the most beautiful city in the world, it is certainly one of my favorites to visit and just "be" in. I have travelled alot in my life, and there are few places that I have been able to see myself live in, but London is one of them. (I'm a big city person, no doubt about it.)
My motto in life is to live all you can so that you have no regrets. Believe me, I stick by this very closely. There are a handful of things that I have done in my life that others would cetainly consider regrettable, believe you me. (I will save that post for a time when I have nothing else to write about. That time will hopefully never come.) In all those times my motto has prevailed, and so to date (which is 31 years, 8 months and 12 days of my life,) I harbour no regrets. Except one: that I never lived in London in my 20s. Any of you Lononers out there? You are some fortunate folk. The ship has sailed on my living there, but I love to visit often and pretend that I fit in. (Hey, someone even stoped me on the street to ask me for directions! How's about that!) What does this have to do with anything? (Brain=goo, can't stay on topic...) Oh ya: London provided an excellent finish to our journey.
'Ms. C,' you all are thinking, 'this ain't no travel log! You are supposed to be talking about IF!'
Indeed, 'tis true. So enough about the trip and back to my ranting about my disfunctional ovaries, and The C's fucked up sperm. Below is a summary of the goings on in that area. (In list form of course! I love the list.)
1. Today is CD6. I got my period spontaneously for the first time since going off the pill 13 months ago. Full on, people. A real period. Red bloody stuff, not just some brown yucky spotting. Incredible, really. My previous cycle was only 38 days. I temped till CD 26, and then let it all go becasue I was away. And I have not temped so far this cycle (I just plain forgot). Nor am I running the clomid race (I didn't expect to get my period, so I didn't have a prescription). Please allow me to tell you that I feel good about this. I feel no pressure, I have no expectations. I am going to just ride this cycle out, even if it means ending it with provera in a month and 21 days time (the day of our RE appointment.) I am totally obsessive, so I will not be abandoning the blog, and IF will still rank at the top of my things that I think about when I should be working list.
2. A friend exclaimed how wonderful it is that I spontaneoulsy bled down below. Like that perhaps this was signaling that my body was getting back to "normal". Though I appreciate the support she thinks she is giving me in this instant, I can't help but think two things. One, that it is most unlikely that my body will every act normally when i comes to all things hormonal and reproductive. And second, that getting my period without popping pesky provera really only indicated to me that I have failed again. Menstruation=Not Pregnant. (A simple equation really.)
3. I called the clinic where I have my October 26 RE appointment (It's next month! Finally! I can say next month! Can we all believe it?) In my previous post I noted how my gyn thought I should call to confirm becasue she wasn't too certain about the RE still being around. THERE ARE NO PROBLEMS PEOPLE. We are still on. Thank he (or she) who is great up above. For two and a half weeks I tried not to think of the possibility of having to go to the bottom of another waiting list, and let me tell you it was very difficult to process. I am sighing in relief.
4. I am hoping The C will make another donation to the people who analyse sperm in the next week or so. Seeing as I am going to lay low for the meantime, it will give us some time to focus on him, and find an approprite specialist in that area. Hopefully this will help move things along more easily when we meet with the RE.
And so, ladies (and gent! I see a gentleman stopped in to say hi on my blog!) I will leave you for this evening. I hope some of you will return to me. (O stats, thou art pitiful.) And of course I am always here for you.