Tuesday, August 01, 2006

TODAY IS CD 8

I've been taking my temperature and checking my CM like a good girl. I'm oscillating between finding all this paying attention to what's going on in my body being an obsessive-compulsive thing and it being a pain in the ass.
My temp had been pretty steady (around 36.4) until today. Last night we slept with the AC off, and the windows open, and the morning was sticky and muggy. Well, up shot my temp to 36.61! What do I do with a temp like that? Ignore it and just keep going? Help, please!
And while we're on the subject of helping me out (for which I am forever grateful for you guys' existence, really I am, as you have always come in with honest answers when I have asked): How do I describe my CM?? Ok, let me elaborate... HWat is the difference between "sticky" and "creamy" and "watery"? Egg white I think I can figure out, I know what eggwhites look like! Oh and fertility friend, there is also "dry". What does this mean, dry??? Please, come to the aid of a girl in need!
Today is CD 8, and day 4 of 100 mg clomid. I am asking all these questions not because I am a moron when it comes to my own body, but becasue the truth is that I have not ovulated many times in my life, and am therefore not all that familliar with the signs that accompany it. I am hoping (eeks, hoping! who am I to hope?) that this round will show some ovulatary activity. To date the annovulation seems to be my only issue. so if we can get me to ovulate...

In other news, my parents were away for a week with a couple that is the same age as The C and I are. (Actually, if you want to get technical, they are younger, and have been married for a year less, but who's gonna get petty about that?) (I bet you can see where this is going.) (Should I write one more sentence in brackets? I think so!) (I digress.) So my mom calss me up, and we are having a lovely chat. Weather's been great, they are sitting by the pool, nice breeze, having a ball, and Cindy (not her real name) is pregnant. In a split second my mood changed. Of course I immediately said: "Wow, wonderful, with her a mazel tov for me," but deep inside my heart was getting heavy and it felt like it was going to sink down to my toes. "When is she due," I inquired. "In January." "Great," replied I (starting to feel ill), "She will be have her baby the same time as Renee."
There are som many thoughts that went through my head, none of which I am particularly proud of, but in reading other peoples' stories I know are not uncommon. Something to the tune of: Why them and not me? When she got pregnany I had already been trying for nine months! It's just not FAIR. I better be motherfucking pregnant by the time they give birth or my life will be a living hell. And worst of all: My mother seems happier and more excited about this than anything I have told her in a long time.
Needless to say, the rest of my day was shit. The C came home from work soon after the phone call, and though he did his best to console me, but kept on harping on the fact that I was being somewhat pessimistic, and that I should just be happy for them. Really, he wanted to know WHY I JUST COULDN'T PUT ASIDE THE FACT THAT THEY HAVE WHAT I WANT, BUT I SHOULD JUST FEEL HAPPY FOR THEM. Really. He told me that my attitude was so pessimistic, and that really hurt me. I don't feel like I'm being pessimistic, I'm being realistic. The reality is that we are not able to get pregnant. That reality bites the big one.
After going around in circles for a bit, explaining that what I need most from him is empathy and understanding I think he realized what I was feeling. I pointed out that maybe HE didn't have a problem with feeling happy for our friends, but it would be kind if he recognized that this was very difficult for me. He softened considerably. (And then took me out for dinner and got me drunk! What a guy!)
Of course the story doesn't really end there. My parents came home last night, and we went out for a bite to eat. They were oohing and ahhing over Cindy. "She's so cute!" "She's so sweet!" "It's so exciting!" And my dad: "Man, are they going to spoil that baby rotten!" It hurt SO FREAKING MUCH. They should be thinking those things about me! Wanting to spoil our baby! Ach, I just couldn't take it! We got home, and I was a weepy needy mess. I was so unhappy. It really doesn't become me to be this way, but, fuck.
Also, it's not really fair for me to be angry with my parents about going on and on about someone else's pregnancy. They don't have a clue what we are going through. They can't possibly know that when they are excited about someone else, it kills me that it's not me. I'm really at a loss for what to do. The C and I discussed telling them about our IF only if we needed financial help form them (ie: further down the road, if it comes to IVF.) Now I am thinking that we should sit down and let them know, because all theses pregnancy announcements are killing me. They can't be sensitive if they don't know that there is something to be sensitive about, right? I love my parents, but my whole life they have pushed me very very hard. They have always had enormously high expectations of me (which I seem to miraculously achieve.) I feel like with IF not matter how hard I work I am jsut not overcoming the obstacles. My father's favorite saying is: "There's no such thing as luck. It's called hard work." I AM working hard. But it's just not happening. Another hesitation is that I know if we spill the beans they will be on our back about treatments, and all that stuff. Did you try this, did you try that, have you called here, etc... They mean well, but often it's a bit too much pressure (especially for The C who didn't grow up in a family like this.) My parents have a family-run business, where my husband works. He spends like 12 hours a day with my parents. I have my own business, and I work from home, and often my mother comes to help me out. We are very embroiled in each other's lives. I don't know if I can take them knowing "everything." Worst of all: What if they just don't get it? What if they say some stupid shit?

Alright, it's time to wind this down. I have a headache and need to grab some tylenol. I don't know if I feel better for writing this all down, but I do feel that I have gotten my thoughts in "order" about all the issues that have been floating around my head for the past couple of days. Thanks for listening.
(And, is there any chance my foul mood can be due to the clomid? Just putting it out there...)

13 comments:

Hopeful Mother said...

Ms. C- would you have any use for my Target OPKs? I have two unused sticks in an open box and a whole set of 7 in a new box which I have no use for (I'm ovulating, it's his boys we have a problem with). I bought these when I was naive enough to think that was all it would take... let me know and we'll figure out the logistics.

Re: the CM descriptions... well I suppose it's relative. Mine goes something like this usually - creamy, creamy, wet, wet, egg-white, egg-white, wet, wet, creamy creamy etc. until my period arrives. Not sure about the difference between sticky and creamy but I'd say they're the same!

I can totally relate to your post about the parents. We finally felt like we needed to tell them - like you said - you can't expect them to be sensitive if they don't know they need to be. You take your chances that they won't say something stupid, and if they do, correct them if you can... telling my parents was much worse in my head than it was in reality. Breaking the ice was the hardest part, but know that they will only know what you decide to tell them.

Best of luck on this - I know it is hard.

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I am no good with the CM descriptions. I found the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility, be excellent with these descriptions, and with teaching you how to chart your cycle. I highly recommend it.

I can completely relate to the part about your parents. I told mine, but I have been burned by it a few times with my dad. I also understand how hard it is to hear your parents gush about someone else's pregnancy or children. My dad just married a woman with several grandchildren, and I constantly have to hear about what a wonderful grandpa he is. It kills me. Hang in there. Hugs.

Krista said...

I only have noticable cm for about 10 days. It starts off about 5 days before ovulation as creamy, moves to egg white for ovulation adn then progresses to sticky before I am done until next cycle. For the beginning and end of my cycle I am mostly dry.

Re parents. It is true that you take your chances of them saying something stupid. But they are much, much more likely to say something stupid when they dont' know than when they do. However, your expectations will be way different. You can't expect them to be sensitive right now, they have no idea but once you tell them your expectations go way up and stupid comments hurt a lot longer. Tough call. We have told our immediate families and I really appreciate their support. But... there have been stupid comments and at those times I wonder why I bothered.

Ellen K. said...

Yes, Clomid can cause serious mood swings!

The Fertility Friend FAQ has a really useful description of differentiating CM. This is the guideline I use: if it's kind of crumbly and rubber-cement like, even if it stretches just the teensiest bit, it's sticky CM. Creamy CM is kind of like a white body lotion. Watery CM -- you just feel kind of wet; it's hard to explain. EWCM -- you know it when you see it. It's glorious. : )

I can also completely relate to your post and your sadness about the PG announcement. The day that my college roommate told me she was PG on the first try was probably the worst day of all this IF. Worse even than the diagnosis, because I learned how much of my life and my friendshps IF has the potential to destroy. I called an infertility counselor the very next day and scheduled my first appointment.

My parents know we're experiencing IF -- my dad researches the hell out of IVF and adoption; he thinks this is all one big Discovery Health show and he's totally on board -- but my mom STILL tells me about every single freaking girl at church who is PG or had a baby. (And she is Catholic, so this happens quite often.) I've told her "Ok, enough, Mom" and sulked about IF to her, and she lets me sulk all I want and joins me in criticizing their baby names -- but she still keeps going. I think it's her gossip gene. She can't turn it off.

I am a big believer in letting loved ones know what you're going through... I draw strength from their support. And there is LOTS of support, especially now that we've been TTC for more than 2 years with 3 failed IUIs, and it's pretty obvious to everyone that this is a legitimate problem.

~r said...

For the temp, the overall pattern is more important. I'd put it in and if in a few days it seems like it's an anomaly caused by room temperature, discard it then.

About the parents... some of our relatives know, many do not. We decided who to tell based on our comfort level with them. My parents, and my sister are not the type to offer unwanted advice, so they know. My inlaws.. don't. I'd love to tell them, so they'd understand why not to bug me about more grandkids, but I'm afraid their reactions would just piss me off.

I have found the easiest way to tell people is to wait until pregnancy or children come up in the conversation, start with "we have problems" and see where it goes from there. For the most part, people who are sensitive in their reactions to that statement are sensitive knowing the whole story if I wish to share it.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Erin said...

I have found, now that I'm out of the closet about my IF, that my family is no more sensitive than they were before they knew. Even though I've told them that it's difficult for me to hear about other people's pregnancies, they're always perfectly happy to share how a cousin is pregnant, or a friend of theirs has a new grandbaby, or whatever. It hurts more now than it used to since now they're doing it with full knowledge. They seem to think that the fact that we'll adopt means that we don't care anymore that I still can't get pregnant (even though we're still doing fertility treatments). I wouldn't normally call them insensitive people, but this has really bothered me about them. Oh, and I face a lot of "Have you tried this?", which drives me up a wall.

J has done the same thing that C does when I get depressed that someone else is pregnant. At this point, he's realized that he just needs to shut up and hug me, though I don't think he gets it yet. He just doesn't have the same pull to have another bio child that I do.

I hope the Clomid treats you nicely. The mood swings are the worst, in my opinion. The hot flashes are bad but the mood swings...*shudder*

SaraS-P said...

My temp goes all over the place...I never know if I should record it or not when it is way off from the previous day! I go ahead and record it and try to look at the general pattern.

As for CM... the descriptions baffle me, too. I can recognize dry (no CM, which I don't think I ever truly have) and egg white. I get lost in the in-between states.

I know this doesn't help you AT ALL, but I wanted to validate your frustration and let you know someone else was confused by it all!

Amy said...

Just stumbled on your blog and very much enjoyed this entry :-). I don't ovulate either so I feel your pain! And my RE can find absolutely no biological reason for my anovulation. I just don't drop eggs. Clomid has been a wonder drug. Anyway, I've found that by telling people at least a hint about my IF struggles, they are much more sensitive than people who have no clue. I think most people really do try. I'm glad my family knows... just my two cents. Good luck to you!!!

My Reality said...

As for your CM, Mary Ellen is right, Taking Charge of your Fertility is a great book.

We have told most of our family that we are unable to conceive on our own. It has helped somewhat. We no longer get the "you have been married for X number of years, when are you having a baby?" That has helped a lot. We have not told people as we have done treatment cycles though. We have told them after they haven't worked, but never during. When we do IVF in the fall, I think I will tell my mom, but she knows better than to ask me anything stupid or she knows I won't tell her anything at all. I think most people were expecting us to have problems because I have a long history of female problems and have had multiple surgeries, so I don't think anyone was surprised.

Sorry that those pregnancy announcements just keep popping up, I know how tough they are. I hope The C continues to understand how you are feeling.

VanillaDreams said...

Have you read "Taking Charge of Your Fertility", yet? If not, you really should -- either get it from your library, but it's so good, you will probably want to own your own copy, so you can refer to it often! ;) Here is a link to the book on Chapters/Indigo website: http://www.chapters.indigo.ca/books/item/books-978006093764/0060937645/Taking+Charge+Of+Yr+Fertility+Rev+Pb+The+Definitive+Guide+to?ref=Search+Books%3a+'0060937645'

The author's name is Toni Weschler.

If you purchase $39.00 or more on Chapters website right now, you also get free shipping! ;)

Sorry to hear about all the pg announcements. Those are the worst. I've asked my family NOT to inform me about pg and birth announcements, but they STILL to do it. It's so damned frustrating!!!

The Town Criers said...

While I love TCOYF, go to fertilityfriend.com and chart online. Their software finds the patterns and knows what to do with that one high temperature. Every once in a while I disagree with their ovulation line, but whatever, it's a great resource. I'm not sure if it's still free to sign up for the basic service. We splurged and bought a lifetime membership. And I can access my charts for anywhere in the world because they're stored on-line. Or you can print them out.

Lady S said...

Just found your blog and i'm right there with you about the CM stuff... we also haven't told family, just a few friends... and the grandkids talk is endless, but i'd rather endure that (for now) than deal with the unsolicited advice....

ellie said...

Yes- expect mood swings on clomid. And after you stop taking it- expect mood swings to continue. Everyone is different, I recommend bracing hubby for the rollercoaster of emotions. Good luck!