Thursday, August 03, 2006

LAST NIGHT=BAD

And today I don't feel much better.
I flew of the handle while we were cleaning up after a perfectly pleasant dinner. Just like anybody, I want to feel appreciated. And I know that The C appreciates me. I really, really do. (And for the record, I appreciate him so much, and more so each time I spend time with some of my friends' partners.)
Last night I was harping on a comment that The C made in jest to me last week. Something to the tune of how he wished I did a bit more around the house seeing as I am home all day. (Yes, I am home all day: working.) And he's right, I can do like 5% more, I know that. I wanted to tell him that his "criticism" was hear, but the way in which he said it to me was very hurtful, and that if he had used other words, I would have gotten the point, but would not have been left feeling bad about myself. For some reason he was not able to get this point until about an hour and a half later.
In that time I was reduced to a wailing, blubbering, sniffling, chocking, sorry state in the dark in our bedroom. I went from trying to let my husband know that something he said annoyed me (and that if he just appologized and rephrased his words all would be better, becasue after all, he does have a point,) to feeling like the most imperfect, inadequate, stupid, unlovable person becasue it seems like I can't get pregnant. I was wailing. My pillow was soaked through. The C didn't know what to do but hold me and rock me. I felt like such a hopeless baby.
Today my eyes are puffy and I have a hangover type headache. I'm still in my bathrobe. I want Kraft Dinner for lunch, and want to climb into bed at 1:00 to watch Days of our Lives (but turn it off if there is any indication that the IVF storyline will be shown.)
I feel pretty low, and I never realized that this journey would make me feel like this.

20 comments:

Just another Jenny said...

Sometimes this journey can really bring you down. It might take a few cycles before your husband learns not to say anything cricital during a cycle. Eventually he'll get it.

seattlegal said...

I've been there quite a few times, but like Jenny has said, he'll learn eventually.

Jennie said...

This post sounds so familar, I could have totally written it myself. It seems like every little argument my hubby and I have lately always turns out this way too. I just wish they could give us a quick little "Sorry, I didn't mean it like that" right away until waiting until everything's an absolute mess.

Oh, and your last post, I wish I had a great description for you for the CM, but I stopped checking that myself because it became pointless for me. I had trouble between EWCM and seminal fluid since they are so similar. I just gave up on that. And I didn't read your other comments on that so I may be repeating someone, but on Fert. Friend. there is a little box you can check off to discard a temp, if you think it wasn't accurate. (They discourage you doing that too much though.) And when I'm on clomid my temps sometimes go up a little on the days I'm taking them.

Manuela said...

You can have the best husband in the world... but they are STILL going to say stupid shit now and again. I speak from experience! ;-)

And yah... unfortunately those downer days are definitely a permanent part of the IF landscape.

mmm... now I'm craving Kraft Dinner... mmmmm

My Reality said...

Somedays are just shitty. Sometimes it feels like your husband just doesn't get it. Most of this just sucks the big one and isn't any fun. Somedays it is good to stay in your bathrobe and eat Kraft Dinner. I hope you are feeling better.

At some point, when you are not having a bad day, I would love to chat with you about having your own business and that kind of stuff. If you wouldn't mind, answering some questions for me, email me through my blogger profile.

I hope that tomorrow is a better day.

GZ said...

I hhhhatte that feeling. I sometimes wonder how much less fighting Jed and I would do were it not for infertility. It takes a helluva marriage to deal with this. I hope you feel better soon.

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

What an awful feeling. I am so sorry that you had such a hard night last night. Hang in there.

Ellen K. said...

I work from home too, and I'm still trying to figure out how to balance that with housecleaning. It's not that easy. My husband's comments about that in the middle of a cycle have the same effect -- absolute sob storm, feelings of worthlessness. But he is (slowly) learning when to keep his mouth shut.

Erin said...

I stick with my earlier statement, Clomid is an evil, evil drug. They should hand out a T-shirt with every prescription that says, "I'm on Clomid...you do NOT want to upset me now." I completely understand how you're feeling. It sucks.

Krista said...

Clomid sucks but the reality is that we are much more fragile because of infertility. Some of us don't want to admit it and some of us don't even realize it. But it is true. Infertility plays with our emotions and makes us doubt ourselves. We all go through it sometimes. And Manuela is right, even great husbands say stupid shit sometimes, so don't worry too much.

ms. x said...

Working from home is definitely a blessing and a curse. Fortunately, my husband now has some experience with it himself so he understands somewhat.

Sometimes people don't take the whole working at home thing seriously. They think that all we do is sit around the house watching TV and occasionally doing a little work here and there. I don't know about you, but for me that is certainly not the case.

My clients are contacting me non-stop and even when I do have the time to try and get some housework done, I have to stop frequently to check my email. And I get emails from clients from the time I wake up in the morning to the time I go to sleep (seriously, I keep my laptop on my nightstand and sometimes check my email in the middle of the night...how bad is that?).

Working from home and being your own boss is WAY more than a full-time job. It's an all consuming job in some cases. So, don't feel guilty AT ALL that sometimes you don't do as much around the house as you think you should be doing.

-x-

mandolyn said...

See, the normal thing to do when making a comment for the first time is to make said comment on the latest post. Although that is what I intended, I inadvertently commented on a post from July 24th. "Covert internet usage while at work" apparently translates into "internet usage minus applicable brain cells" for me.

GZ said...

Me again. I want to send you the Portuguese email, but I can't find your addie....

~r said...

Ohh... there are many, many days where I could have written this. So many arguments that had nothing to do with infertility... and turned out to have everything to do with infertility.

There are highs and lows to this, and I hope this low passes quickly. I agree with krista - infertility can make a person fragile, and that makes the bad days so much harder.

aah0424 said...

I found your blog via Stir-up Queens.

I guess last night was the chosen night for that. I feel much the same way you do over a touchy comment my husband made last night.Your husband sounds really attentive though. It seems like sometimes these guys just have a case of foot in mouth disease!

theoneliner said...

that's awful. i hate the headaches that come after IF breakdowns. i mean, isn't your body causing you enough problems...but then it throws the headache in for good measure. NOT FAIR.
Hope you feel better soon.

Meg said...

Oh no, Ms. C... I think we are interchangeable here.. I have the exact same argument with my husband sometimes. Doesn't mean I don't love him, just means he annoys me from time to time!

Sunnie said...

Awww baby. Days like that are hard. As much as we don't believe it, IF has NOTHING to do with who we are and our abilities. Please remember that the next time you go through, and remember to email me to remind me of the same thing...

*hug*

Adrienne said...

We're just not responsible for our actions (and reactions) while we're going through this. And the good ones understand this (it seems like your's definitely did - holding and rocking you when you needed it).

Yodasmistress said...

Just taking Mel's advice and reading last year's Creme!