And today I don't feel much better.
I flew of the handle while we were cleaning up after a perfectly pleasant dinner. Just like anybody, I want to feel appreciated. And I know that The C appreciates me. I really, really do. (And for the record, I appreciate him so much, and more so each time I spend time with some of my friends' partners.)
Last night I was harping on a comment that The C made in jest to me last week. Something to the tune of how he wished I did a bit more around the house seeing as I am home all day. (Yes, I am home all day: working.) And he's right, I can do like 5% more, I know that. I wanted to tell him that his "criticism" was hear, but the way in which he said it to me was very hurtful, and that if he had used other words, I would have gotten the point, but would not have been left feeling bad about myself. For some reason he was not able to get this point until about an hour and a half later.
In that time I was reduced to a wailing, blubbering, sniffling, chocking, sorry state in the dark in our bedroom. I went from trying to let my husband know that something he said annoyed me (and that if he just appologized and rephrased his words all would be better, becasue after all, he does have a point,) to feeling like the most imperfect, inadequate, stupid, unlovable person becasue it seems like I can't get pregnant. I was wailing. My pillow was soaked through. The C didn't know what to do but hold me and rock me. I felt like such a hopeless baby.
Today my eyes are puffy and I have a hangover type headache. I'm still in my bathrobe. I want Kraft Dinner for lunch, and want to climb into bed at 1:00 to watch Days of our Lives (but turn it off if there is any indication that the IVF storyline will be shown.)
I feel pretty low, and I never realized that this journey would make me feel like this.