Thursday, March 27, 2008


Seeing as I have yet to produce the baby...

Highlights of the past 24 hours:

1- I have lost all or at least part of my mucous plug. It hasn't been bloody, just more discharge with globs of mucous and (tmi) some jelly-like bits. This is encouraging, my cervix must be opening more.

2- I have officially finished all my work I set out to do before the baby comes (I am self-employed so I do plan to continue working somewhat, or I won't make any money!), I have filed and paid my taxes, and all my accounting is up to date.

3- I woke up around 5.30 am with some cramps. They came and went about every 7 minutes or so until mid-morning. They weren't terribly painful, but still not fun. Although they were not rhythmic the rest of the day, they were still present. Again- encouraging.

4- Our crib finally arrived! Yes, only today! A month later than we had been promised. It is assembled and made, and I am so pleased with our choice of furniture and bedding! Still waiting on the dresser though! If I have nothing exciting to post in the next few days I will definitely get some pics up.

5- For those suggesting sex- we did that this morning. Maybe it helped. Who knows? Won't The C be pleasantly surprised if I suggest more of the same tomorrow morning!!

6- NST and fluid check set for tomorrow morning. I have been drinking like crazy in order to keep my fluids high all day today. I am a b it nervous about speaking with my doctor following the tests, but we shall see. Maybe I will go into labour tonight and it will all be moot.

7- Spoke with my doula this aft and she seems very to think that all is going well. I will speak with her after my tests tomorrow so that she can help me make an informed decision.

Finally, and always: A million hugs to you all for being here time and time again. I want to have little boy pics to reward you with. Just bear with me and my body!!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008


That's pretty much the subject line of every email I am writing these days lest the receiver think that it will actually contain the words "am in labour, on the way to hospital." Wishful thinking!!

If all went as my doctor wanted it to I would either presently be in labour or holding my son. I'm sitting in my office blogging, so neither of the above is currently true.

Monday's appointment and subsequent 24 hours were tough. For starters I waited 4 hours to see the doctor. Not pleasant on any occasion, but incredibly less so at 41 weeks with shooting pains in both my legs. I could neither sit or stand- it was horrible.

By the time I got in for my exam I felt worse than shit run over by a tractor trailer. My doctor could obviously see that. I had an internal to find that I was 1+cm dilated (not quite 2cm!). The doctor proclaimed that we needed a plan on how to proceed. She suggested I go in to the hospital Tuesday evening to have gel inserted to soften my cervix, and then come in Wednesday morning (when she would be at the hospital) for an induction. I was feeling hopeless and miserable, and so I agreed.

It turns out that knowing it was going to happen didn't make me feel any better, and on the car on the way home I snapped out of it and realized "this is not what I want!!" At home I spoke with my wonderful doula who promptly reminded me of this very important fact. The doula and I made an appointment to meet in the morning to discuss what I really wanted to do.

I woke up feeling like a new person. First thing in the morning I called the doctor's office and canceled the induction, but made an appointment for an NST and fluid check (I knew I had no choice in the matter... my doctor had already told me if I chose not to induce that day I would have to go for the tests. I was completely ok with that.)

I then met with my doula and we talked about what was going on. I came to the conclusion that I indeed did want to wait, that my body was doing something (I was after dilating, even if just a bit), and that perhaps the baby was just waiting for all the turmoil following the death of my grandfather in order to come into the world. (I know many of you won't prescribe to this, but I feel very strongly about messages from the body.)

I felt so much better and headed off to my NST (which would invariably tell us if it was at all medically necessary to get the baby out of me.) The NST was totally fine, and my fluid level was moderate. The doctor who did the fluid check said that moderate was ok, and that I could wait a couple of days and come back Friday for a further check (Provided I hadn't given birth!)

Great news in my books! I took the report and headed up the street to my doctor's office. What happened next is pretty much a blur, but let's just say that my doctor was not pleased with me wanting to wait until at least Friday until we looked into induction again. She basically was trying to have me have my baby on her schedule (as she is in the hospital today), and attempted to make me feel guilty by telling me that she has been in the hospital for the past three weekends so there was no way she would come in for me delivery. (For the record: I know how it works, and I never even expected that she would be there.) I was in tears because it seemed ridiculous to me that under no circumstances was she even taking into account what my wishes for birthing were!

Finally she relented (realizing, I hope, that she was being very mean to me!) and we settled on revisiting the issue following my fluid check on Friday.

So that's where we stand, my friends. I am only 6 days past my due date. Today I seem ok with this fact. Now that the shiva for my grandfather is over my head is much clearer. I was able to get a big chunk of work (that had been hanging over me for the week) completed. The nursery furniture is set to be delivered tomorrow morning. I have my first opportunity to relax. Let's hope the baby knows how to read the cues!

Monday, March 24, 2008


I can't even stand to look at my ticker.

This waiting past the due date business is sheer agony. Mental and physical.

Every night when I go to sleep I think: this could be my last baby-free night, try to get as much sleep as possible, you may not sleep for another 18 years.

Then alas, the next night comes.

This has been such an emotionally draining week with the death of my grandfather followed by the shiva. I have been pretty low-key during the whole pregnancy... I didn't really talk about it much, it was just something that was happening inside my body. This week with all the visitors around I have had so many people touch me and give me advice that I am about to go batty.

If one more person tells me how great I look for being past my due date (I feel like shit, quite frankly), or give me advice on how to bring on labour I may throttle him or her. (Oh, and to the one person who told me about her full episiotomy- fuck you.)

I've tried nipple stimulation, we've had plenty of sex, we've walked around the block several times in bitter cold weather, I have worked like a maniac in the kitchen, and have nested so much that birds are about to move in.

Oh ya, and I've tried talking very nicely to the little guy pleading with him to come out. And it appears that he isn't listening to his mama. So tell me, why would he listen to a strange who is bending down to talk him into coming out of my belly?!

Ya... I'm a little bit at the end of my rope.

The problem is that I don't really want to be induced, so I'm left in a bit of a catch-22. I have an OB appointment today. I'm interested to see if there is any action down there. Will keep you posted of course.

Just to bring this down a notch: Thank you so much for all your wishes on my grandfather's death. It means so much to me to read your comments and to have your support. You guys are all amazing.

Thursday, March 20, 2008


My grandfather died on Tuesday afternoon. The funeral is today.

Today also marks the end of the 40th week of my pregnancy.

I hardly know how to post about this. I feel like I made it, and he didn't.

I can tell you about his long medical history with emphysema (thank you nicotine,) and the stay he had in the hospital 3 years ago when we all thought that was the end. (His doctors claimed he must have had some amazing will to live as he recovered miraculously after months in the ICU.) But all I keep thinking about is how, when the doctors told him in January that he had a spot on his lung and had 2-3 months to live, I have been holding my breath hoping that he would be able to meet his great-grandson that he was so excited about.

On Sunday as I was leaving his hospital room he told me he couldn't wait to meet the baby- that I had to bring him by as soon as I could. On Tuesday (when I went to visit because I was getting antsy around the house and needed a break from my work) he took his last breath while I sat half-dozing in a chair next to him.

We all knew it would be soon, but we didn't think it would be that afternoon. My grandfather was a fastidious, more determined and stubborn than anyone I have ever met. But he was also quiet and didn't like a fuss. So he must have felt like all the loose ends of his life were tied up neatly, and that he could move on. If was so peaceful that I don't think that my grandmother realized right away that he was no longer breathing.

Two memories keep swirling around my head.

The first is from the time three years ago when we thought he surly would not come home from his hospital stay. The C and I sat and laughed til we had tears rolling down our faces how hilarious it would be to name our first born "Melvin" in this day and age.

The second is more recent. When The C and I hinted at our pregnancy to my grandparents by asking what their plans were for March, my grandfather replied (out of the blue) that he was going on a cruise.

Something that I never talk about (because I would be thought of a kookier than I already am), is my hyperactive sense of intuition. I am visual, and often if I can't picture a situation, it likely won't come to pass. I also have the strangest sense of deja vu all the time. I actually wasn't shocked when I had my positive test in July. And I knew from that instant that I was carrying a little boy.

What I can't seem to wrap my head around is how our son will be named after his great-grandfather (in Hebrew, we think) who is hopefully enjoying his peaceful journey.

Monday, March 17, 2008


Ok, it was actually 2 nights ago. And it has nothing to do with an 80s song.


I dreamt I was in the early stages of labour. But here's the oddest part about the dream: it felt real. So real that I was feeling pain very vividly. So real that when I would wake up to go to the bathroom (as I did 4 or 5 times that night) I would question whether it was a dream at all, or that perhaps I was actually going into labour. And so real that I actually went back to the dream each time I lay down again.

Each time I awoke I kept thinking about what my doula told me about early labour in the middle of the night: try to stay in bed with the lights out and get as much rest as possible because I will need it in the day that follows. So that's what I did: I returned from the bathroom, tried my best to stay calm (did not wake up my husband, I wanted him to get as much sleep as possible), and lay back down to sleep (only to continue the dream.)

In the morning I felt nothing.

Now. I have no experience with labour as we all know. I don't know what it will feel like, and that certainly scares the shit out of me. Tell me: How can I have dreamt of this so vividly? Is it at all possible that I was experiencing some (very) early contractions or false labour pains?

Whatever it was, it certainly was a mindfuck.

Because: I'm ready to have this child. Physically at least. (Mentally, even after 2 years and 8 months I don't think that I am prepared. A subject for another post entirely. One that I likely will never get to.)

People: I am no longer comfortable. I am so often told that I look "small", and am carrying so well. But I do not feel like it any more! I have enough heartburn to light my house on fire (though thankfully I am managing that with rolaids.) I get winded when doing work that requires me to stand. (And I still have al ot of work to take care of.)

Unfortunately last Thursday's OB appointment revealed that my cervix is still wonderfully high and closed. Not such great news seeing as my due date is 3 days from now. Can't something happen already?

I am so so very thankful. I am. I cannot say that enough. But you know what? It's time to move forward here, little guy!

And so I wait for yet another dream (quite literally) to come true.

Friday, March 07, 2008


Natalie at Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies and her husband Den lost their little boy at 36 weeks yesterday.

I am devestated beyond words for them. I don't understand how this can happen. It is horribly wrong.

Nat and Den, I am thinking of you. Devin will always be in my heart.

Thursday, March 06, 2008


I mean, really! Sometimes I still think that pregnancy is what happens to other people. I am just so blessed to have gotten to this point.

This post is likely to be a smattering of a collection of things. Mostly because my brain can't hold a thought for longer than 30 seconds. But also because there is lots that I want to say.

Last week The C and I went to the Portuguese consulate to straighten out some of his paperwork before the baby is born. (Part of it was about adding me as his wife legally in their documents. We have been married for 4.5 years and been working on this process for over 2 years. It's finally done- right in time.) Now all we have to do when the baby arrives is go in and sign some documents, and voila, he'll be Portuguese. The amazing thing about this is that the last time we were at the consulate was the very day we had the IUI.

My OB appointment was uneventful this week. My doctor relented, and said that the ultrasound was not a necessity. Then she looked at me and said: "So I am making a note that you want as natural a birth as possible." I said "Wonderful, thank you." Of course she did add that you never know what can happen, yada yada, so I need to keep an open mind. I told her my mind is very open, that's why I want to try my all naturally before we introduce any intervention measures.

To continue on that point, I want to thank you all for your comments and feedback on my previous post. Your support and suggestions are always welcome and appreciated. I do just want to reiterate that in choosing to pursue a natural approach to the birth I am not eschewing the idea of drugs all together. The thing with drugs ans other interventions is that we all know that they are available to us. This to me is not something that needed research and planning. I am well aware that if I scream epidural, one is likely to arrive pronto (unless it is the middle of the night wherein only one anestheologist is on duty for the entire hospital.) What I didn't know, and therefore had to take time and effort to search out, is if I didn't want to go that route, what preparations and support I would need to look for. And, I have also done some work thinking about what it will mean to me if I do have to let my ideas for a natural birth go.

I had a pregnancy announcement this week. It bothered me way more than other announcement I have received in the past 5 months or so. This couple has not even been married for a year, and there is something about the woman (or I should say, girl- she is very immature) that I just don't like. I mean, that's not a reason for them not to have a child, but... I can't help but think that she got married and now is pregnant because that's "just the thing to do". I know this is irrational of me. Also, our kids will be the same age, and in the same grade at school, and I can't help but think that there will always be comparisons being made. I am not "friends" with them per se, but our parents are the best of friends (His mom is like an aunt to me, she knitted me the most beautiful baby blanket and hat. I will have to post it.) I know I'm being bitchy, but I can't seem to help it. Seeing that they are a couple who puts much emphasis on status and style (have to live in the right house in the right area and drive the right cars, etc...), The C made a very valid point: our baby was more expensive than theirs.

I always knew my first born would be a boy. I am not making this up. I just had this intuition. This was confirmed at our 19w anatomy scan, and solidified with the amnio results. The problem was that we only were able to think of names for girls. With boys we continuously came up empty. It is Jewish custom to name a baby after a family member who has died, and The C and I wanted to honour his 2 grandfathers. So we have been looking at names with S and J, and follow the criteria that the name is not used by another family member. As of a few weeks ago I was pretty certain that we had decided on his first name with an S and middle name with J (followed by my family name-that I go by- as a 2nd middle name, and The C's family name as the baby's family name.) Then yesterday morning, as The C was getting dressed, he said: "I'm not so sure about the J name." OY VEY. I hope we are not back to square one, because it took as so long to settle on this pair of names! And I was starting to love it. But I don't want him to relent just because he wants to make me happy (and therefore not be happy with our choice for the rest of our son's life), yet, on the other hand, ummm, I do.

We also have to choose a Hebrew name for the baby. We were discussing it lightly last week and The C said what about "S-----". The C's grandfathers, not being Jewish, do not have Hebrew names that we could use, so our slate was pretty open. I did want the Hebrew name to start with S to kind of go with his English name, and plus, this name is just so lovely. The next day my great uncle died. While we weren't that close, The C really loved spending time with him at holiday dinners, and he was always an important uncle to my father. We decided that it would be wonderful to use his Hebrew name as the baby's middle name in Hebrew. The only weird part of this is that no one seems to know exactly what his name was! Even following the funeral yesterday my aunt admitted that the name that she gave the rabbi seemed like it was the right name, but she wasn't 100% sure! I don't know, this is so bizarre to me!! How could no one have a record of his name??!!

While the baby could come at any time now, I figure we are looking at a week past my due date. I'm just not counting on this little one being on time. And certainly not early! Besides, as uncomfortable as I am (and, oh! I can go on and on about that, but I won't), I'm not so sure that I am ready to let him go. Without a doubt, I can't wait to meet him, to see his little nose and tiny fingers. But there is a part of me that has loved him so much from this vantage point- from his being a flickering speck on the sonogram screen to the bulbous movements that make my stomach lopsided- that I want to hold on to these moments forever. Once he is out in the world everything will be different. And I may never have the chance to experience this again.

Also, mama has a lot of work to get done. So please, baby... not today!