Thursday, March 20, 2008

ENDINGS AND BEGINNINGS

My grandfather died on Tuesday afternoon. The funeral is today.

Today also marks the end of the 40th week of my pregnancy.

I hardly know how to post about this. I feel like I made it, and he didn't.

I can tell you about his long medical history with emphysema (thank you nicotine,) and the stay he had in the hospital 3 years ago when we all thought that was the end. (His doctors claimed he must have had some amazing will to live as he recovered miraculously after months in the ICU.) But all I keep thinking about is how, when the doctors told him in January that he had a spot on his lung and had 2-3 months to live, I have been holding my breath hoping that he would be able to meet his great-grandson that he was so excited about.

On Sunday as I was leaving his hospital room he told me he couldn't wait to meet the baby- that I had to bring him by as soon as I could. On Tuesday (when I went to visit because I was getting antsy around the house and needed a break from my work) he took his last breath while I sat half-dozing in a chair next to him.

We all knew it would be soon, but we didn't think it would be that afternoon. My grandfather was a fastidious, more determined and stubborn than anyone I have ever met. But he was also quiet and didn't like a fuss. So he must have felt like all the loose ends of his life were tied up neatly, and that he could move on. If was so peaceful that I don't think that my grandmother realized right away that he was no longer breathing.

Two memories keep swirling around my head.

The first is from the time three years ago when we thought he surly would not come home from his hospital stay. The C and I sat and laughed til we had tears rolling down our faces how hilarious it would be to name our first born "Melvin" in this day and age.

The second is more recent. When The C and I hinted at our pregnancy to my grandparents by asking what their plans were for March, my grandfather replied (out of the blue) that he was going on a cruise.

Something that I never talk about (because I would be thought of a kookier than I already am), is my hyperactive sense of intuition. I am visual, and often if I can't picture a situation, it likely won't come to pass. I also have the strangest sense of deja vu all the time. I actually wasn't shocked when I had my positive test in July. And I knew from that instant that I was carrying a little boy.

What I can't seem to wrap my head around is how our son will be named after his great-grandfather (in Hebrew, we think) who is hopefully enjoying his peaceful journey.

20 comments:

orodemniades said...

My condolences on the passing of your grandfather.

Gil said...

I am so very sorry to hear of your grandfather's passing. I think you are right though; somehow he had peace and he knew it was the right time. Like you though, I wish he had the opportunity to see his great-grandson. Neverthless, maybe he has already met him spiritually; maybe he knew that the circle of life must be this way and his passing heralds the upcoming birth of your baby boy. Two lives to celebrate, and none to mourn. Thinking of you and your family at this time.

sharah said...

Thinking of you ...

sky girl said...

I'm very sorry for you loss C.

Frenchie's Dad died when I was 3 months pregnant. What made me the saddest was that he would never meet the baby I was carrying.

Rachel said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. But I think it's wonderful that you'll be incorporating part of your grandfather's name into your son's name. And perhaps part of your grandfather's being at rest was knowing that you were doing well.

Fertilized said...

My sympathies to your family

Erin said...

I am so very sorry about your grandfather, and that he will not get to meet your son.

We had a trip planned (booked and all) to see J's grandmother when P was 9 1/2 months old. She died a month before we were to go. I will always wish desperately that we'd made the trip earlier, as she was such a wonderful woman.

I am thinking of you and praying for peace for your family.

The Town Criers said...

Sweetie, I am so so sorry that he never got a chance to meet the baby. Sending good thoughts to you right now.

Kristen said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family. XOXO

Jen said...

I'm so sorry. I will be thinking of you.

Magellan said...

So sorry for your loss.

Lut C. said...

It's a shame the two of them will never meet. I'm sorry for your loss.

Cibele said...

I am sorry for you loss. I know how you feel. I also lost my dear grandfather during my pregnancy. It hurts to know that he will not meet my baby girl. I was his first granddaughter.

Aurelia said...

I'm sorry hon. This is so sad to happen now...and since you are right on your due date, I hope this doesn't add any more stress than you can handle.

My Reality said...

I am so sorry for your loss, ms.c.

Loosing your grandfather so close to your son's arrival really does show the circle of life. I am sorry he won't get to meet your son in the physical sense, but he will know your son, even though he has moved on. Maybe he was right about going on a cruise in March, maybe that is how he is starting his journey on the other side.

For what it is worth, I don't think you are crazy for your visions of things. I think it is fascinating. Much love to you and your family at this time. I hope your son's arrival will help in the healing process.

Anonymous said...

i'm sending my love to you and your family (which i also consider my family) I will send you smoked meat sandwiches too if you tell me where to send them : )

xoxo

F2

apronstringsemily said...

I popped over from Lost & Found Connections and just thought I'd send some warm hugs your way. It's so hard to lose someone, especially family.

I recently spent a lot of my time this past month at the hospital where my Dad had emergent open-heart surgery. The thought of losing him (65 just seems so young now!) just tore me up.

So big hugs to you and your family. And extra big ones to you, being so close to your due date.

Angie said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather, my thoughts are with you.

nutsinmay said...

So sorry. My condolences to you and your family.

Dianne/Flutter said...

I am very sorry about your Grandfather, but maybe your little one is getting to know him a bit before he comes home to you :).