A while ago I was blogged about all the pregnancy announcements that were slapping me in the face left, right and centre. It seemed like everyone in the world was pregnant (except me and you guys), and it sent me into the worst funk that I think that I have ever experienced in my entire life. Those of you who follow along closely at home will probably remember it. For my friends joining the program recently, you can read all about it here. Meltdown city, and thankfully I am in a much better place these days.
Seven months ago my best friend told me that her sister was two months pregnant. It was unplanned and accidental, but I knew that having a baby was something that my friend's sister, let's call her Yolanda, had wanted for a long time, so I was thrilled for her. Our fertility problems were just coming into the light at the time, and though I wasn't pregnant yet, I naively thought that I very well may be soon. Yolanda came back to Montreal to be with her family so that they could help out when the baby came. At first I was so so excited to see her. I had just started my first round of clomid and was thinking "that could be me any time!" Of course we know how the this has panned out for me. And Yolanda's belly kept growing and looked more beautiful by the day, making it very difficult to be around her and hear of all the cute baby stuff she was experiencing. I was at once so torn with being happy for her, and wanting to obsessively know what was going on with her body because I wanted to learn all about pregnancy, and wanting nothing to do with her. At the time of my meltdown I decided taht I would try to steer clear of my friend's sister, but kindly ask my friend for updates and to pass along my good wishes. I felt bad doing this, but I was in self-preservation mode.
Yolanda's pregnancy announcement was the first that I had to deal with as the reality of IF was settling into my brain. I was really worried about how I would react to the news when my friend called to tell me about the birth of her nephew.
Well I wonder no more. Baby season has begun. Yolanda gave birth to her perfect son early Sunday morning. When my friend called to tell me she had gone into labour I nearly started crying from happiness. When she called the following day to recount the birth (my friend was her sister's coach and was with her throughout most of her 22 hour labour), I was choked up all over again. Last night Yolanda was home from the hospital, and I bit the bullet and went over to see her and the baby. I was so overwhelmed to see him. He was so beautiful, perfect and precious.
I amazed myself. I was so worried about having feelings of jealousy, bitterness and anger. Of felling petty, incompetent and broken. But seeing this baby... it was the most miraculous thing. I was happy. I couldn't stop looking at him. Peeking at him as he slep peacefully in his little vibrating seat. Engrossed as Yolanda was feeding him, as she herself was still figuring out how the whole breastfeeding thing worked. I held him and it was wonderful.
For the few hours that I spent with them IF seemed like a distant nightmare. For a short time I felt what I know my future will be.
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6 comments:
ahhh... I hope you have that real soon. Real soon.
So sweet. I'm with Krista - I hope your turn is very, very soon.
You have a whole lot of strength. I don't think that I could have done that. Kudos to you!
You are gonna rock as a mom. Hope it happens soon!
I'm echoing Heather--it takes a lot of strength to do that.
The clomid lesson I learned (you asked on my blog)...I wasn't monitored the first cycle, but nothing terrible happened. The next time I did clomid, it was at the RE and I was monitored. The cycle after that (what would have been my third time), I couldn't make day-3 blood work, but I didn't think it was a big deal. They made me skip that cycle because if your estrogen is too high, you can be feeding cysts instead of growing new follicles and have a ruptured cyst later in the cycle. Which happened to me once even with monitoring. And...wow...I haven't felt pain that intense many times in my life. I ended up passing out. So, while nothing bad happened when I was not being monitored (and something did when I WAS being monitored), I wouldn't try it again without doing the blood work. I've heard many times about people doing clomid without monitoring and it's a bit dangerous because unlike other stims, the effect on your body can't be controlled carefully. And that's one of the little lessons I learned :-)
I melt over babies! I can be all piss and vinegar about other people's pregnancy, but as soon as the baby is born I can't wait to see them. That doesn't mean I don't have a good cry when I get home, but I adore being around the babies.
I so know how you feel! My younger sister and I were supposed to be pregnant together - then she got pg on her first try, and, well, I hadn't even gotten my period yet. I was ecstatic for the birth of her child, and being with S did make me forget about what I was going through for a little while. What it really did, though, was cement that it's all worth it, whatever we may have to go through to get there.
Your time WILL come!
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