Sunday, November 26, 2006


It has been eight months from the time I made my initial call to my fertility clinic. Today I received my first treratment plan*.

I arrived at Clinic #1 shortly after 8 this morning for my ultrasound. It is CD4 (I was in Vermont for Thanksgiving yesterday, so I was not able to make it on CD3), and I was a bit apprehensive about being wanded while bleeding. I know we all have to do it, and the doctors do it all the time, but I have a heavy flow, and well, I didn't want to make a mess everywhere. In walks The World's Best Doctor in jeans and a rugby shirt, and he sits down and gets right to business. Insert dildo cam, look at uterus, look at right ovary, look at left ovary, get dressed meet him in office.

You may remember me talking about the doctor's larygitis from my account of our initial visit. Let me tell you that during the u/s the doctor barely said a word to me, and those that he said I did not understand. It was very confusing, and a bit weird. At one point I felt like I might cry, and he was obviously looking at my cysts (that I recon he had hoped would shrink with the BCP he prescribed.) I think he said/mouthed that my ovaries look abnormal. But really, I can't be certain.

It's alright for the man to have lost his voice, but it would have been nice if someone explained to me that this was still the case.

In the office we were joined by the nurse. TWBD again said something garbled, and then started fiddling around on the computer. I was a bit surprised that he wasn't going to talk to me about what he had seen with the u/s, but I didn't ask. The nurse started telling me that all systems were go for begining treatment this cycle. I will start 2.5 mg Fe.mara tonight for CD4-8, and on CD6 I would start 20IU Pur.egon (I think that's the dose). I am to go in on Monday for injection teaching. Then Wednesday an u/s.

Whoa! This all happened so fast! When we had our original consult we discussed Fem.ara, and the possibility of an hCG shot. Now... injectables? Right off the bat? Jeez Louise! I asked the nurse why, and she told me that after looking at my ovaries today the doctor felt that the Fem.ara would not do anything alone. To me this was really bewildering. I think that I never thought that my issues were so complex. I have had alot of time to adjust to the idea of medical intervention to get us pregnant, but today it was all sinking in. I won't lie: I am scared shitless of having to give myself needles. (Saving grace: the Pur.egon comes in a pen. I have already watched a video on how to give the injection. Still, though, I am freaked out.)

The C's parents are here for the weekend, so I haven't had time to discuss this with him at any length. (He also worked all day today, and is working tomorrow.) All he really says about this is that he is hopeful. I guess that maybe it's good that someone has some hope, because to me it feels like this cycle is the first step in an painfully long journey.

*We won't count the two Clo.mid cycles I did in May and August, because knowing what I know now, there was no hope for them anyways.

Sunday morning update:
Last night I was a raving lunatic. I completely lost my marbles. As I wrote above, The C and I hadn't had time to discuss the appointment, and as the day wore on I felt the pressure of all the information that I learned weighing heavily on me. As I didn't have time to sit with The C and discuss how I was feeling, I was under the impression that he didn't care what happened at the appointment, what the treament was going to be, and the mental impact all this was having on me. I was a total bitch all night while both of our parents were over for dinner. When we got into bed I completely lost it. I was yelling, and screaming, and crying. I was pretty much a raving lunatic who thought the world was against her and that nobody gave a shit, least of all my husband. How could I have anticipated feeling like this, and reacting like this? I don't see how I could have. This is the worst feeling in the world, and the cycle is just begining. I only have one day of hormones in me. What will I be like in a few days? What will I be like when this cycle fails, and inumberable subsequent cycles fail? It is so painful to even think about...


My Reality said...

First of all, I think it is good that TWBD is being a bit more aggressive than just giving you femara or clomid. It will hopefully yeild better results much faster.

As for your feelings, I think they are totally normal. Everything feels out of control, especially in the beginning when you just get going. Things that you have waited for are now happening and sometimes, it is really overwhelming. Knowing you need "help" and actually getting it are different, and they bring about all kinds of different emotions. I hope you stay strong, I hope that you only need one cycle of injectibles. Take if from the biggest needle chicken - it isn't bad at all to give yourself shots. Really. Good luck with this cycle.

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I wish you all the best with this cycle. I am sorry that you have to deal with injectibles. I too hope that this is the only injectible cycle you need. Hugs.

TeamWinks said...

I'm on day four of taking Femara. I have to tell you that, I'm with you each step of the way. Day one was a bit crazy, my guess is it's just a new hormone. However, it was NOTHING compared to when I took Clomid. Now, the second day brough vomitting and nausea, third diarrhea. Day four, nada. So, hope is there. I've been told that as soon as you are done with the Femara, the side effects don't tend to linger. Amen!

So, I'm only a few days ahead of you. Keep me posted!

Lut C. said...

It could also be a surprisingly short journey. There's quite a few of those in my blogroll, I promise you. Not knowing whether YOU will be on the short or the long track is immensely frustrating, I know.

I hope the side-effects subside soon.

Thalia said...

One of the coping strategies that the counsellor at the clinic taught H was not to catastrophise things. Just look one cycle ahead, not 2 years ahead. You never know when things might change. So take a deep breath and stop winding yourself up!

The Puregon pen is really no trouble at all. The first time will be freaky, and then you'll be a pro.

Btw 20IU is NOTHING, so you are barely doing injectibles, if that helps. On the IUI I had that got chancelled I did 75IU I think. So don't feel too badly about the leap to injectibles.

flygirl said...

Puregon pen is pretty easy. The most important thing to remember is not to hesitate. The quicker you jab it in the better. You can barely feel it, I promise. I always did my own and one night Frenchie wanted to do it for me. He was all slow and gentle-like and I damn near throttled him. Cause a slow needle is not a good needle. :)

As for the moods.... well I think it's safe to say that we've all been there. I echo what Reality says.

sariel & shlomit said...

This shit is competely CRAZY!!! That's why you're losing it. Losing it is COMPLETELY NORMAL in the world of if. Waaay back when, when you contemplated having kids did you think about having an ultrasound while your bleeding and giving yourself needles?! No, didn't think so. Please don't be too hard on yourself. This is not's this crazy journey you're on. I wish I could just come over and give you a huge hug and let you yell at me!!!

On another topic: we're both on Puregon?!!!! How crazy is that?! I'm glad TWBD is being aggressive with you...that is terrific! You will soon be preggo girl...but you know there will be more crying and freaking better expect it cos it comes with the territory!

Love ya!

M said...

I wasn't able to give myself the shots. Physically, mentally, I could never do it. So, my husband gave them to me...which I found to be much easier. If I had to do it I would sit there all day counting "!" and then I wouldn't do it. lol. the shots get easier after the first few...the process is always hard though