Sunday, July 09, 2006

WHEN WILL IT END?

My cycle that is.
(In answer to the question when will it end in relation to infertility and me-I am too scared to think of that answer. Because I fear it won't be anywhere near "soon".)
So ya. Just calculated and I am officially on CD 46. Holy shit!
I do have my prescription for Provera sitting right here under my keyboard, but I really am trying to give my homeopthic remedy a chance. It has been 4 days now. Usually when I take the Provera my period cames 4 days after my last of 5 doses. So I will wait. Which will make this cycle even longer. Which is a little depressing. Which blah.
Last week I raised a point to my one freind who I discuss IF with: If my cycles last 45 days, that means that I only have 8 chances in the year to get pregnant. Whereas someone who has a 28 cycle has 13. As I inch higher in my cycle, 8 times is becoming 7... And this is not making me happy. When I was with my doctor last week we joked about how I will probably only get in one more cycle before my appointment with the RE in October. Some fucking joke. As this rate that really looks like that's what going to happen. The anxiety is mounting as I right this.
Had a mega fight with The C this morning. BIG and UGLY. In the middle of it I was thinking to myself that it could just be hormones. But then I remembered... I'm not on anything at the moment. So much for that excuse. Apparently I was being bitchy all on my own. (For those who care, the fight was about washing the screens and the windows.) Whenever we have a fight about something that is (in hindsight) insignificant, I find myself wondering if we should be having children. I worry abought fighting like this in front of the kids. I worry about fighting like this about issues that have to do with the kids. Ha! talk about jumping the gun! "Kids", she says! In plural!
I'm not sure where I'm goiong with this. I just feel like crap and need to get it out. I wonder how we are going to deal with our infertility as time ticks on. How supportive will The C be when (if) if comes time for IUI? What about IVF? What about helping me with shots? Dealing with the side effects? Fighting makes me question everything. And become a bit irrational.

10 comments:

Lut C. said...

I'm in the camp of skeptics when it comes to homeopathy.

I hope your confidence in C is fully restored soon. You'll need his cooperation at least.

flygirl said...

You wrote what I think about often.

My Reality said...

Maybe you aren't on any fertility drugs that make you nuts, but you are dealing with the stress of infertility and that is enough to make us go a little wacky ;). I hope your cycle ends soon!

ChicagoGirl said...

I completely agree with all of your thoughts. I think even without the drugs, your hormones are probably going nuts so try not to be so hard on yourself. I hope your cycle ends soon!

Just another Jenny said...

I hope that C continues to support you. I know my hubbie has been up and down but when it comes to the important stuff (like injections) he is always there for me. This is so Dr.Phil but he says that "we fight about the little stuff so we can avoid the big stuff". I know when I am feeling down about IF, I tend to pick a fight about something stupid just to get out my frustration.

~r said...

Being on CD46 is enough to make your emotions whacked-out (and probably your hormones too).

I hope the provera, homeopathic or otherwise, comes through for you soon and puts and end to this too-long cycle.

Jennie said...

I'm so sorry this cycle won't end for you. I know it can get so frustrating. I've had long cycles that just wouldn't end. I have had a few cycles that were 40 - 60 days long, one that was 73 days and one that was 81!

It really sucks, doesn't it? I know I always thought it was unfair that most women get 12 chances in a year and I had maybe 8. Clomid has helped now though.

I hope it ends for you soon.

ellie said...

Sorry about your cycle taking it's time. I don't know if this is any comfort but I cycle every 23 days- that means that technically I get an extra period (with cramps) a year- Seems that I do not ovulate every cycle- I ovulate maybe 7-10 times a year max. Everything can look great with the cycle- and I even surge- but I don't actually drop an egg. Anyhow- don't know if it helps.

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I hope that your cycle ends soon. I also tend to have never ending cycles, so I understand how frustrating it can be. Hugs.

Lulu said...

I just found your blog and I'm reading through the archives. I appreciate so much that you shared your struggle. I have only gotten a couple of months in so far, but we are so similar: PCOS, ridiculously long cycles, similar general personalities, even your list of favorite books includes like 3 of my all time faves! I look forward to reading the rest of your story.