Saturday, May 12, 2007

THANKS FOR ALL THE SUPPORT, BUT

Apparently my period decided to come 12dpo. Ewy-goowy red flow. (How's that for an image? Gross, I know. That's just about how I'm feeling.)

There are so many thoughts running through my mind right now.

I keep reliving that moment yesterday when I wiped and saw the first signs on the toilet paper. My breath catching in the back of my throat, having to make a conscious effort to exhale. The spotting was pretty much the last thing I thought I would see when I sat down to pee. I just can't get it out of my head.

How could I have had so much hope? Hope could I have been so naive to think that this would really work this time? I was feeling so positive. Man, nothing was going to get me down! Ha! Joke's on me.

At least I don't have the POAS dilema tomorrow. But I also have let go of that dream that I will actually find out that I am going to be a mother on Mother's Day. Again: big fucking joke.

Worst of all, I keep thinking that I used up all my hope and positiveness on this cycle. And if it didn't work this time, how is it ever going to work? Look, I know this was only my first IUI, but even so, it's so hard thinking of moving forward to another cycle.

It's just... well... I feel like I have lost such a huge investment. (Never mind the money, I'm talking emotioanlly here.) And I am just going to turn around tomorrow and invest again.

Of course I will go on, there is no question. At this point I don't see us stopping until we have a child in our arms.

Your words of support, encouragement, and explanation mean the world to me. I am so lucky to have you, my friends in the computer, whom I have never met but understand me like no one else.

32 comments:

Coffeegrl said...

I am so sorry - before you even got to the bad news there's that whole miserable dilemma of how to manage the hope and optimism and balance it against this looming holiday backdrop...I'd buy you a drink at the Lushary, or offer a virtual hug :)

squarepeg said...

I'm right there with you. 11dpiui and spotting. AF for sure later today or tomorrow. I too feel stupid. I too am fed up. I'm sorry.

Flygirl said...

Oh Damn. I am so sorry. I was really hoping for you. It seems all the more cruel with tomorrow looming over you.

Big virtual hugs to you Ms. C.

sariel & shlomit said...

FUCK FUCK FUCK. aghghghghg.
so sorry, ms. c....isn't that just the icing on the f'ing mother's day cake?! it's just f'ng krappy and nothing i say can make it less krappy...but i am a living testament to the fact that it will get better...and you'll have hope again...
sending the biggest, biggest, hugs...
sorry again...
peace
shlomit

Carrie said...

Of course you'll do it again but that doesn't make it any better right now. It's hard and it hurts and fwiw I'm sorry.

Lut C. said...

How disappointing. You don't need to think about a next cycle just yet.

Samantha said...

I'm sorry things didn't work out. I understand how tough it is to start trying to muster your emotional reserves to do this again. Don't worry about that right now. Give yourself some time to grieve.

Thalia said...

oh sweetie I am so sorry. Awful, always awful, but so very hard when it comes when you're not expecting it.

Chili said...

I'm so sorry. I was really hoping this was it for you. Take care of yourself tomorrow - you deserve a spa day or something!

My Reality said...

I am so sorry Ms. C. This really fucking sucks. I will be sending thoughts your way, my friend.

Lindsay said...

Just wanted to let you know that I'm really sorry. This absolutely sucks. Much love.

Amy said...

Ms. C, I'm so sorry :( I hope you don't give up and that the next IUI will be the one.

TeamWinks said...

Bad news on our favorite holiday, talk about a cocktail that will send you reeling. I'm with coffeegrl, I'll buy you a round as well.

decemberbaby said...

Crap.

It's a fucking awful place to be... and it feels like the optimism is gone. But I'll tell you something that someone else told me - the first failed IUI is much harder to accept than the fifth (although I hope you never have to make it to the fifth!). It does get easier, balance comes back, yada yada.

In the meantime, I'm buying you a virtual frozen peach bellini.

Krista said...

Shit! Sorry Ms. C, I was really hoping this was it for you. It sucks anytime but especially this weekend.

Karen said...

I'm so sorry. It's very hard to move past the loss, I know. But never, ever, ever give up hope. Always assume that in the end, something will work.

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I am so sorry Ms. C. How awful, and on mother's day. Thinking of you, and sending you a big hug.

Erin said...

Oh damn. I'm so sorry. I honestly think that the first couple of cycles of treatment are the hardest in some ways. You get so hopeful, so sure that it worked now that you finally are doing something; then when it doesn't, it's much more devastating than it was other cycles. Everything sounded so good this cycle--I'm sorry it didn't work out like we all hoped it would.

Heather said...

I'm so sorry.

Ann said...

This sucks. However, imagine yourself x months from now (I say "x" because I don't know how long it will be). You'll be well into a pregnancy, looking forward to having a child in your arms, and thinking back to the days when you were feeling so hopeless. And you'll be thinking, "If only I'd known then what I know now--that it will all eventually work out." And it WILL work out, Ms. C. Just focus on the future, not the sucky present.

Matthew M. F. Miller said...

Constance and I send our wishes to you - we've been through that so many times, and it is one of the most gut-wrenching moments I've ever experienced.

You WILL get through this, and don't feel stupid. Your body is kinda dumb, but you are spectacular.

I'm so sorry.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I'm so sorry! I was so hopeful for this cycle. It just doesn't make sense when that extra added help doesn't do the trick immediately. Here is to next cycle, sweetie!

Carol said...

so sorry. big hugs.

megan said...

crap. i'm so sorry. there's nothing in the world like that feeling when you see evil stuff on the toilet paper, and it's even worse when you're not expecting it. i'm certain that you have a reserve of hope that will surprise you. it will be there for you to call on when you need it again. for now, take time to do what feels right.

Dianne/Flutter said...

I am so sorry. Sending you a huge hug...and I understand.

ava said...

Oh ugh, I'm so sorry :(

I really love how determined you seem though, to keep going on the journey until you have your child in your arms. I think that's the only way to make it through the crazy emotional ride of IF.

Hugs to you.

hopeful to hateful in 28 days said...

I had the same thing happen to me on Friday. I started spotting less than 2 weeks after my IUI. DAMN,DAMN, DAMN!!!!!

Just throw yourself into the next cycle- that's all we can really do.

In Search of Morning Sickness said...

You know, I really REALLY expected this to be the cycle that worked! I know that with a diagnosis like annovulation it must be easy to fall into thinking "If we just fix that, we'll be like everyone 'normal' and conceive easily." I've been reading since the first cycle you ovulated with medication & hoping THIS was it. Anyway, I'll buy you that 3rd round of a drink, are you into Mai Tai's? Then you can imagine you're in a beach far away.
Seriously? I'm really sorry for you. My 1st failed IUI was enormously awfully depressing. (I mean gosh, all that sperm up with 3 eggs? SURELY a baby! - NOT!), but decemberbaby's right: the next can never be as hard. I hope there's not a next BFN. Just post your thoughts & we'll be here.

Princess Barren said...

I'm going to be completely unoriginal and say I'm so so sorry :(

Wish I could be there to feed you tequila shots.

The Town Criers said...

I am so sorry, C. It's always a shock when you see it. And the timing was awful.

K said...

Oh, oh, OH you took the words right out of my heart! I still remember exactly how I felt when I saw the first dab of pink when I went to the bathroom. At first I was completely perplexed - kind of like, no, no THAT doesn't make any sense because I was about to pee on a stick because I'm probly pregnant so I CAN'T be spotting. Not logical. So can't be true. Then I told myself that oodles of pregnant women spot, some through their whole pregnancies, and don't jump to any conclusions here, and don't start freaking out, this is probably nothing to worry about. And then, although my mind was telling me to put it out of my head and carry on hoping as I had for the previous 8 days.....something in my heart knew it was all over but the crying. I got all teared up again reading your post, feeling like I was back in that moment. I'm so, so, so, so sorry. I know just how you feel. I felt profoundly foolish, like someone had just played an enormous and mean joke at my expense. All I can say is that I'll pray that your next cycle will have a drastically different outcome. I'm so sorry.

CAM said...

Focus on your next cycle...that is where you will get the hope back. AND - start a "bad news" tradition. Everytime we get punched in the face with bad news we have pizza and beer. Its a bonding, feasting and crying time for my husband and I. Then, as hard as it is, we move on. :) Hang in there.