Monday, February 19, 2007


Or something like that.

I don't have much in the area of spectacularity to add to the blogging world these days. Yhis post will take the form of mini-topics as that's all I that I have to say.

Topic 1: Why my RE can't talk
In short: I don't know why. We were told at our first appointment in October (that's 4 months ago) that he had laryngitis. Which he apparently has yet to recover from. I think that there's obviously something more wrong. I have a number of feelings on this matter. First, as frustrating as it is for me not to have immediate feedback from him (I have to get the nurse in the room if I want to get any meaty info), it must be 1000 times more frustrating for him. Next, he is a wonderful doctor providing wonderful results for so many of his patients, yet he can't seem to fix what is wrong within himself. Finally, while sometimes I wish I were able to have more discussions with him directly, I found the one time that we had another docotr sit in on my ultrasound completely unnerving because he kept talking. I have become used to my efficient, silent wandings, and think that I like them. Life's funny that way: I adjusted to something I had no control of...

Topic 2: Yes, LutC, apparently I am capable of having more than one meltdown per cycle
Lut commented on my last post saying that I was doing pretty well if I freaked out only once per cycle. On suturday night I successfully upped that number to two. And I mean major freak-o-rama ville. Something completely unIF-related (asking my husband what setting he changed on my computer, and having him not give me a satisfactory answer,) became strictly about how fucked up and inadequate I am. I know! That's a big leap! But I was able the make a connection! Yelling, screaming, sobbing and hyperventalating ensued. And as usual, The C did not exactly know the right way to comfort me. I know if makes him sad to see me like this, but he doesn't always know how to help.

Topic 3: Hey! Great idea!
Maybe in some post in the near future I will invite you to give feedback on what we wish our partners would say and do when we are in such a state. But then again... I don't know... do any of you have perfect husbands who always know the right thing to say?

Topic 4: Fridays are baby days
This will be hard to do without revealing my line of work but I will give it a shot. (If I reveal my line of work anyone will be within steps of finding out my identity. Which of course I don't mind you guys knowing, but I would't want my clients to stuble here...) My industry is special events, and I deal mostly with weddings. The other day I got a call from a woman (referred to me by my aunt) who was looking for something baby-related. I didn't refuse the job becasue 1-this woman knows my aunt, and that was nice of my aunt to send her my way; and 2-I'm self-employed, so I take all the work I can get because I never know when the next job is coming. The clincher- she wanted me to come to her (my clients always come to me) because she didn't want to take her baby out. Which I understand, of course. So there I went into a baby-environment for the second Friday in a row. Granted, there was only one baby, and she was very premature (she's only 5.5lbs at 5 weeks), so I had great empathy and admiration for the mother, but still... how I wish that baby was mine!

Topic 5: The problem with sleep
I haven't been able to sleep for days (maybe verging on weeks.) I don't know why. My back is alwys hurting, I'm never comfortable, always too hot or too cold, The C to close or too far. So I lie awake and think, or have very light dreams that seem so close to being real. And I'm tired everyday.

Topic 5: 5DPO
Amidst my fit the other night it occurred to me that there is no way tha this cycle is going to work. What baby would want to grow in this pathetic environment anyways? (I know-enough of the slef-pity already!) So I'm pretty convinced on that front. Except that my nipples are hurting. But, of course, they hurt last cycle too. I am convinced that prior to starting injectibles I have never ovulated in my life. So maybe if I was normal my boobs hurting like this would be considered a PMS symptom. Can someone shed some light on this for me?

And in conclusion: Happy Monday to you all.


Samantha said...

As someone else who has rarely ovulated without any additional medical intervention, I think it's all the hormones suddenly flooding your body that are throwing you off - sleep, freaking out, etc. I have experienced the same exact thing! I feel like I've been a bad sleep phase since first trying injectibles over a year ago (real reassuring, I'm sure)! Hang in there.

elizabeth said...

Count me as another who only ovulates when drugged (I think I ovulated once on my own-ever). I also experience really sore nipples/breasts pretty much from ovulation on, restless sleep after ovulation, and some dramatic emotions. I have been wondering lately if my whole life would have been like this if I ovulated normally. (Well, life since puberty.)

Heather said...

It is amazing what leaps we can make, isn't it?!

I agree...the hormones are the culprit. Hormones are the root of all evil. I am firmly convinced of this.

BigP never knows what to say either. The point is that they try - that they care.

carrie said...

I only rarely ovulate and the only way I really know (besides the temps) is the nipples. And I only started ovulating at all, as far as I can tell, a few months ago. And before then I had never had any sensations in the nips. So maybe it's a good thing. Not necessarily a sign of the outcome you want, but at least a sign that things are happening. Sorry that you're having a rough time this cycle. We're here cheering you on. Hang in there!

Krista said...

I agree with the others, the hormones are evil. I ovulate on my own regularly (never get pregnant but ovulate without problem). But the pms and ovulation symptoms from injectibles are NOTHING like those that you experience in a regular cycle.

It is like drugzilla hormones and they are awful!

While I have had sore nipples as a result of ovulation, I so truly hope that in your case it is more than that!

Adrienne said...

Hormones are hell, no two ways about it. And my husband has no idea what to do when I have a major freak out either (except back slowly from the room, which makes me even crazier).

I hope you're feeling better soon, and fingers-crossed for you on this cycle!

Flygirl said...

When I was in the midst of one of my drugged cycles, I was talking to my Mom on the phone and was near the verge of tears. She could tell but I rang off b/c I didn't want to start bawling in her ear.

The next day I rec'd a pot of sunny yellow Mums with a card that said "It's the hormones honey. Cry if you want to."

It was the PERFECT thing to do. I just wish that my husband could think of stuff like that. He rarely comes up with the right response. I'm sure they could use some sort of guidebook.

Hang in there girl and cry/yell if you need to.

Lut C. said...

Me and my big mouth. :-/

Sore nipples are a PMS complaint, but also occur in PG. It's related to the progesterone, I suppose, which you have in both cases.

No sleep, so much time to think?! That's bad.

TeamWinks said...

I agree with Heather, and that hormones ARE the root of all evil. You know, it is almost as those going through infertility expect themselves to act like themselves while going through infertility (myself included.) However, we often fail to realize that what we are doing and going through isn't something small. It's a big deal, and as a result we may loose a bit of sleep. Who wouldn't! Hang in there!

Cathleen said...

A perfect husband? Isn't that an urban legend...

I love mine, but when I freak out he is like Adrienne's husband...he backs away slowly...or decides to go to bed...which only seems to make things worse.

I'm sorry that your having such a rough time. Hang in there.

My Reality said...

Damn, I have been dying to know why TWBD doesn't talk. Now I will just have to keep wondering.

The perfect husband only happens to lesbians, men just don't get it. The only perfect husband would be a wife.

My nipples usually hurt after ovulation - for me, it is the telltale sign I ovulated.

Natalie said...

I giggled at topic 2... it sounds so much like me. And no... my DH does not always know the right thing to say and I frequently have thoughts of strangling him even while hiccupy-crying because that was SO not the right thing to say to me right at that moment.

The Town Criers said...

No advice on the boobs because I never had boob changes (how weird is that?), but wanted to give you a big pat on the back for taking the baby job.

margo said...

I agree with the others. The hormones could be the cause of the sore nips. I hope not though. Hang in there.

JMB said...

As a fellow PCOSer, I'm in pretty much the same boat-I think I ovulated a couple of times in college...maybe. I actually thought I was pregnant once (OMG-the humor in that one now) because of the painfully sore boobs. I've done the injectibles, and they just seem to heighten it, plus add in any progesterone that you might be on, and viola!.

IF sucks, no way around it. The sad/scary part is that after you do it awhile, it all feels "normal" and you can't really appreciate how much it affects all facets of your life. It's hard, but we're here with you.

Karen said...

do any of you have perfect husbands who always know the right thing to say?

Actually, I think I might be the only one. And I don't think S even realizes that he always knows the right thing to say.

Much of the time, he simply says, "I wish I knew what to say, but I'm sure no matter what I pick, it won't be quite right. I love you." And you know? Sometimes, it's nice to just not have people constantly trying to say the right thing. Sometimes his answer really is exactly the right thing. It's certainly better than when people grasp at straws looking for the right thing to say.

decemberbaby said...

I'm so familiar with making those totally illogical leaps from "this thing really isn't quite right" to "I'm a terrible human being". It's so easy during the 2ww, isn't it?

My husband doesn't really know what to say either. Our therapist is helping him work on that ;-)

And yeah, I think it's the hormones. I'm hoping the sore boobs stick around for a while and lead to actual pregnancy, though. I'm rooting for you!

theoneliner said... land two fridays in a row...does NOT sound like fun to me.

i need a perfect husband..he's close but not perfect. of course then neither am i...occasionally.

hope you get some sleep!

sariel & shlomit said...

IF just sucks. And as my good friend repeatedly tells me, "It's the hormones; it isn't you". To be repeated ad nauseum.

Hope the sore boobs lead you to the promised land!

es said...

(New reader- hi!)

Totally agree with my reality- the perfect husband would be a wife.

I guess I'm not alone in the "why can't you say the right thing???" annoyance. Usually my husband just says, "I don't know what to say", which just gets me annoyed. THINK OF SOMETHING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.