Wednesday, March 28, 2007

IMPATIENCE IS NO FUCKING VIRTUE

Clever title, eh? Can you tell that I'm in a good mood this week?

I know you're asking, "Ms. C, why are you so impatient?"

Well, folks, it seems that I am not able to conceive. It appears that we know why, and that we have known why for a long, long time (so long, in fact that when that I knew my diagnosis eons before it would even occur to find out if would have any effect on bearing children.) It also appears that I can't seem to get anywhere with my treatment.

A fine recipe for impatience and a whole lot of other yucky feelings.

Let's recap for a moment, shall we...

Rewind 20 years to the first time I got my period. A icky afair that did not reappear for 6 months (a blessing, I thought, at the time).

The appearance of facial hair coupled with irregular cycles produces a diagnosis of "imbalanced hormones" at the age of 16 or so. I am put on "hormones", and later on the pill. When my mother found some info on PCOS, and the doctors poo-poo it. (Hi! Correct self-diagnosis at your service.)

Fast forward a number of years... I meet The C, we date, we have lots of sex, and I am very careless with taking the pill. No pregnancy- no worries! after being together for 8 years we decide it's baby time, and off the pill I go.

3 months: no period. Call gyn, take pro.vera. Still no natural period. Repeat.

Does my gyn send me immediately to RE becasue she is well aware of my history since I'm 16? Noooooo. Let's first play with clo.mid. Oh what fun.

After 2 rounds of scary-mother-fucker-bitch drug I am handed the number to the RE where I am told that the first available appointment is in 7 months. Patience is starting to wane.

15 months into TTC we finally meet with our RE, who laughs (not literally) at the fact that the gyn even attempted to do anything with clo.mid. I waited for this day for so so long, and yet my patience is tested once more as I am told that we have to wait an entire cycle until we can begin treatment. Oh ya, and my PCOS is confirmed. 16 fucking years later.

Our first cycle of Fem.ara and Pure.gon produce some lovely follies. We are sent home to screw, with a negative result. But lo! It's Christmas, and my RE needs a vacation. So patient I must be as I sit out the next cycle.

Deja vu ensues as we are prescibed the same treatment for our second round. Yes, with the homegrown sex. Have patience, says The C, what if we can make a baby naturally? With patience tried, we know now that we can't. And so we move on...

What's this? The RE needs to take another vacation? I must be patient and wait for the next cycle? Ok... I'll be a good girl and time my BCPs to coincide with the RE's return.

Which brings us to this week. When AF arrives I giddily call the clinic to scedule my CD3 appointment. What am I told? The doctor will not be back in the office until my CD4. NO ONE FUCKING TOLD ME HE WOULD BE AWAY FOR 2 WEEKS. It would have been nice to know seeing as I can time my cycles very easily with the BCPs.

What can I say? I have like 1% patience left. The last 20 months have looked like the following: wait, wait, wait, treatment that won't work, wait, treatment that doesn't work, wait, treatment that husband begs me to give another try (but I know won't work), wait, wait.

I know I'm not alone here, but today I'm feeling like I just can't take it anymore. I have many assets, however patience seems to have slipped off the list.

Fucking fuck fuck.

24 comments:

decemberbaby said...

That is a LOT of waiting. I can totally relate to the impatience... fuck. It's not enough that we can't get pregnant naturally, but we have to wait until it's convenient for our doctors, too. Incredible.

I'm sending you virtual hugs.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

Fuck, I can relate to your frustration! We constantly go through the same exact set back although on the male factor side of things. I'm trying to be patient for the fall to come, but it is so hard when you want something SO FUCKING BADLY! I'm sorry you're having a bad week!

Samantha said...

Your story sounds so much like mine, with the PCOS diagnosis... and the waiting. I have no patience for treatment anymore. I'm really sorry about the RE lousy timing. You'd think they could warn you about these things!

Erin said...

Argh, that's absolutely ridiculous! Your doctor is gone FAR too often for someone in his line of work where a single day's absence can mean weeks of waiting for someone. Is there anyway they can do something on CD4? Maybe it won't be too late? Damn, damn damn.

Karen said...

They should be able to do baseline ultrasound and bloodwork with CD4. There's no reason you can't do that. Some clinics do Day 2, some do Day 3, and some do Day 4. It's really not a big deal. Can you call back and ask them to please schedule it for CD4 (or is it too late for that?)? Then if the doctor wants to, you can continue happily with this cycle.

Krista said...

I have no patience either. This is so important and it seems that we are always on someone else's time frame.

Well.... fuck! I am frustrated for you.

Artblog said...

I get this post, completely! They love waiting don't they, always taking things slow, like our eggs are going to wait around forever.

I know you hear this all the time but I have to say I get your frustration, you said it well, very well!

I'm in the same boat, I go at their pace and patience is not my virtue! But I'm resigned for the moment to follow suite, because I'm tired as you must be, I'm sure you understand that too.

Good luck ms.C, kick their arse next time you see them, they deserve it :).

Artblog

Cathleen said...

ARGHH! That stinks. I'm sorry that you are having such a crummy day.

The Town Criers said...

That sucks! And how do you operate a business--since a doctor's office is a business--taking vacations all over the place? At least get another doctor to cover your practice!

Adrienne said...

If you can, fire this fucking RE right now! If you can't (or don't want to), call them back and schedule an appointment for CD4. Karen's right - what they do on CD3, they can do on CD4.

Lut C. said...

Such lousy service. :-/

carrie said...

That's so crappy. I totally understand how awful it is to have to wait so much. It's hard to continually drum up the patience. And if your doc keeps taking vacations like that, he/she will also no longer have any (patients). Sorry (both for the pun and for the fact that you're still having to wait).

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I am so sorry. I totally understand the frustration that the waiting brings. Infertility really is just one big annoying waiting game. Hang in there. I am thinking of you.

Thalia said...

bastards. I hate the wait with a passion. Hate it hate it. And crappy communication from the docs is AWFUL, they should be ashamed of themselves.

Angie said...

Your doctor takes too many vacations. He should have been a dentist!

Watson said...

That BLOWS.

How on earth are you expected to plan your entire TTC schedule around your doctor's freakin' vacation plan?!?

Bastard.

I would call for a CD4 appointment, like the other gals have said, and also re-evaluate how much I liked and trusted this guy!

Patience said...

I hear you girl - patience is definitely not one of my stronger traits either!

My Reality said...

I am not exactly patient, either.

I think it goes along with the infertility diagnosis.

I am frustrated along with you.

K said...

Hurry up and fucking wait. How familiar the refrain for us infertiles - PCOSer's in particular. I feel you sister, the wait makes me want to come right out of my skin. Skin, might I add, that has been pierced for almost 45 nights in a row now, waiting for my pathetic excuses for ovaries to respond. And the hell of it, for me anyway, is that my otherwise fabulous husband is usually flummoxed by my reaction to news of yet another postponement. He is much better at trusting authority than I, I think that's part of it.

But, like everyone else, I have to say that is utterly fucking ludicrous for your doctor to expect his patients to arrange their cycles around his vacation! Sounds like an asshat, if you ask me. If it isn't possible for you to tell him to stick his ultrasound wand where the sun don't shine, then I'd at least make an annoying pastime of calling his office every week to inquire as to whether he's scheduled any MORE vacations that you should be aware of. For fuck's sake!!!

Gil said...

Yep. Get that baseline and workup done on CD4; that is still a good time to have it done. And I too would be doing one of two things (1) calling the doc's office OFTEN to find out about any scheduled vacations and (2) looking for a new RE, although that in itself is a hurry-up-and-wait situation too. *sighs* Dammit. Just fuckity fuckity fuck. *hugs*

sharah said...

I've done a CD4 baseline before - maybe they will shift it a day for you since the delay and bad communication are THEIR fault.

Hugs, doll. The waiting just blows.

Dianne/Flutter said...

I can so relate. You most definitely not alone. And I would so be irritated with my RE - I think sometimes they forget why you are seeing them. That you have WAITED LONG ENOUGH! Craziness.

Anonymous said...

Oh for fuck's sake!
That is just ridiculous. The most patient person on the planet could not be that patient!!!

I'm so sorry you've been thrown one roadblock after another. Is there anyway you can go to another clinic for bloodtest/scan?! that's so crazy!!

i'm sure you probably don't want to throw fate to another doctor but i hear they have a great program at mcgill...and they have package deals for ivf (should you need it..puh, puh, puh!!!)...

i'd love to call the doctor up myself and give him hell!!

thinking of you always...i'll miss the ms. c family seder too!

peace
shlomit
www.yourestillyoung.blogspot.com
(cannot sign into blogger from work)

Ann said...

Hi, I'm a new blogger with PCOS, and I've enjoyed reading your posts (although I wish you didn't have to be on here in the first place.)

I am so sorry. You should really consider seeing if there is another RE in your area who is actually available 7 days a week. This is unacceptable.

Meanwhile, next week I'm going to try talking my doc into letting me start Provera on CD30. She usually makes me wait until CD40, but I can show her the BBT chart that proves unequivicably, without a doubt, that I didn't ovulate this cycle! Argh! I hate waiting!