BLOGGUS INTERRUPTUS

The time has finally arrived! I leave today!
Some of you (the ones paying attention, and the ones who don’t have a life,) may recall my mentioning that I was goin’ a cruisin’ with my mom. I discussed it way back here, when I was concerned with my 2ww falling during cruisetime. Well, that point is moot, as last week following the “terrorist plot” shit, my mom flat out refused to go and offered her prized spot on the ship to my very own husband! (The C is over at the other computer composing a thank you note to Osama.) My mom was nervous about flying in and out of Heathrow, and frankly so am I (a little bit…), but I am not letting any terrorist bastards control my life.
Wow, I just composed a “leaving on a jet plane” and “fuck the terrorists” post all in one. This is the end of my political message. Discussions of IF will resume now.
Right, so, cruise with The C! I was pleased as punch to be going with my mom (who doesn’t love a cruise in Europe?), but now-wowwee! We are going to have a blast, I’m certain. And I am not going to think about IF related stuff, I pledge this to myself and to my husband. Because I know this cycle is over and done with (otherwise known as a bust,) and I just want to have fun, and have sex without thinking about all the other stuff.
Today is CD26. I have taken my temp diligently all cycle. It is clear that I have not ovulated. I have also been playing close attention to my CM, and again, it is clear that I have not ovulated. I did purchase OPKs, but did not use them. I don’t know why, but now I am happy I didn’t “waste” them on another annovulatory cycle. When I return it will be CD40, and I will have to talk to my doctor to discuss the next step. I can’t wait for my next dose of Provera, and the chance to win 150mg of Clomid (which The C has nicknamed “the bitch drug”-nice.)
I think my doctor doesn’t know what to do with me (us). She is not an RE, and my appointment with the RE isn’t for another 2 months. At first we assumed our lack of conception was due to me not ovulating, but now we have possible MF thrown in. I spoke to her on Thursday (I had been trying to get in tough with her for the last week and a half), because when she gave us the semen analysis results of “20 million, that’s not so good”, I wanted to know more information. Now that she has finally gotten back to me, I have more bad news than I wanted (silly me, I was calling for reassurance!), because I now know that his motility and morphology suck too. Fuck, fuck, fuck. My doctor is on the prowl for the best IF urologist in the city. (You see, when I get to speak to her, I LOVE her.) I will receive his (or her) name on our return.
A little good news in all of this is that I pestered her for the result of my blood tests (she is prone to just saying “everything looks good”), and although they were done on CD 35, it’s true, they all seem good.
Another bit of shit that I had to deal with is my doctor’s telling me to call the clinic where we have the appointment in October. Apparently she had another patient who called the clinic and they told her that the RE isn’t seeing patients at that clinic anymore??!! She assured me that she’s not sure, but that I should call to confirm. OF COURSE I FORGOT, and now I am going away for two weeks! (My doctor also gave me the number of another clinic to call, and of course I also forgot to do that.) Again: fuck.
Breathe in breathe out, Ms. C. In, out. Ok… leaving all this behind for two weeks and going to have a good vacation. A normal vacation. (Pregnant women don’t go on cruises, do they?)

***

An aside: I ordered Taking Charge of Your Fertility and What to do When You Can’t Get Pregnant, and they arrived earlier in the week. Thank you to all who recommended the TCOYF purchase. I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN vis a vis the CM description! Complete with pictures! I am no longer confused about my CM! (In fact I am certain that I don’t have any. Thanks to my annovulation and to Clomid…) What is not so great about these books is that while my mom was over helping me pack yesterday she happened upon them (they were under a pile other books). “Do you have anything for me to read?” she inquired. “Oh, what’s this book?” she said as she got through the pile before I could stop the woman. NOT ANYTHING YOU WANT TO READ, MOTHER. I just kind of left it at that, and after about one second of uncomfortable silence we both moved on with our activities. She didn’t ask, and I didn’t volunteer (mostly because I am trying to stay calm these days and keep everything in perspective.) I guess the ice is broken, and when we come to having a bigger discussion. Which isn’t such a bad thing, is it?

***

Ok, really, I’m outta here. I will miss you all terribly, and look forward to coming back and catching up. For those of you in your 2ww, I am so hoping to find great news posted on my return!

POMEGRANATES

I have so many things that I could write about today, but instead I think I will focus on this:
The Common Thread.
Please visit Melissa at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters. She is doing a wonderful job at discussing IF issues, and creating a meeting place for IF bloggers. Her posts are always so insightful, honest and full of personal experience. And encouraging. And supportive.
She broached the idea of creating a sign of infertility that could be recognized throughout our communities. Something simple that would draw us all togehter outside the blogworld. And not expensive. Just, you know, community. Melissa explains it so well, just run right on over there to read what she has to say.
I think I'm going to do it. Tie a pomegranate coloured string around my wrist. And order a little pomegranate charm from Resolve to spruce it up. I saw a mezuzah with a pomegranate on it. At first I thought how beautiful it would be on the doorpost of a baby's room. But I thought about purchasing it to celebrate today and hang it on the most welcoming doorpost in my home-the living room.

4 THINGS ABOUT ME

Heather over at Desperately Seeking Baby tagged me a while ago. (Don't you just love her little icon of herself?) So without firther ado...

Four jobs I've had in my life:
1. Camp arts and crafts instructor
2. Working with my parents
3. Salesperson at Gymboree (can you imagine??!!)
4. Graphic Designer (Currently)

Four movies I watch over and over:
1. Beaches
2. Dead Poets Society
3. Top Gun
4. Little Mermaid

Four places I have lived:
1. In my parents house in Montreal (til I was 19)
2. University residence and 2 appartments while in Univertsity in Toronto
3. Teeny tiny attic appartment with The C in Toronto for 5 years
4. Our current house in Montreal
(I get around alot. HA!)

Four TV shows I love:
1. Friends (I know, I'm a geek... I miss it so much!)
2. Anything CSI
3. 24 (currently watching season 1 on DVD, have 2 hours left!)
4. Trading Spaces and Debbie Travis Face Lift (Another embarassing revelation)

Four websites I visit daily:
1. Hotmail
2. My other blog that I share with 4 other ladies. (please visit at your own risk, and if you could not link any comments back to your IF blogs, that would be great...)
3. Your Blogs (see first half of list at right)
4. Your Blogs (see second half of list at right)

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Chocolate
2. Watermelon
3. A good hamburger
4. Veal Parmesana from the restaurant around the corner form my house.

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. On a beach pretty much anywhere
2. In bed alone, enjoying sleep
3. Somewhere cozy and romantic with The C
4. Giving birth

Four favorite bands/singers:
1. The Beatles
2. R.E.M.
3. Crosby Stills Nash and Young
4. Sarah McLaughlin

WHAT A WEEK!!!

Not since I have started lurking around blogville have i withnessed such a wonderful week full of positives. WOW, girls, just WOW. It really can happen. You are the living proof. You light the flame under the ass that belongs to hope...
If you haven't visited them already, run over to high five Flygirl, Jenny, Meg, and Merri-ann.
Yay! and Wow.

A TRIP TO THE HOMEOPATH, AND OTHER TIDBITS OF INFORMATION

Guess what? Today is NOT SO BAD. Yay for the NOT SO BAD day! In a large part due to you guys. What would I do without you? You are all such awesome, sensitive women who know just what to say when. This post will contain no anger. I know it's my bog and I can feel what I want on it. But still. Angry all the time? Not so cool for me. (You guys wanna be angry all the time, that I can support. Go right ahead. Me? I need a break from the anger.)

As the title says I had a trip to wonderful homeopath today. Have I told you about her? She is such a sweet woman. I see for for my overall heath, not exclusively for IF. I prefer to take the more natural route when it comes to health, and my hopeopath is helping me do that. I take a variety of remedies that have to do with accute things like nosebleeds, headaches, motion sickness. And some others that are more related to personality like being overwhelmed, being angry, a tendancey towards excess (this remedy is nicknames the "sex, drugs and rock and roll remedy, which I think is a hoot!). I have to say that since I have started seeing her, I have felt great. (Except for last week. Which made my reactions all the weirder, because really, I have been doing so well!) I have been calm, less stressed, not overwhelemed with my work (when I have been dealing with the most work since starting my own business.) It really has been an amazing experience for me to date. So amazing, that you can probably see why I was disappointed when the homeopathic provera didn't "work". Really not the end of the world.... just interesting.
Today she asked how I was feeling, like she always does, cause that's what it's all about. I told how good things had been until last week (you know the story!!), and that in general I'm finding all this not being able to get pregnant really weighing me down. To which she said that she could totally see how that could be. And she also proceeded to tell me that (how sahl I put this...) maybe my body isn't spiritually ready to carry a baby. (Ok, you can all close your gaping mouths and wipe the sprayed beverages off your monitors.) She also told me that I may not agree (umm, hell no!) and that's the way that she thinks about things. I'm not so sure here people, but is this on par with "just relax"? It's not exactly that, but kinda, no?
The problem with such a statement in twofold for me. The first part of the problem is a no-brainer: teenagers get pregnant. I can't believe that they are spiritually ready. Crackwhores also get pregnant. Umm, ditto.
Second of all: I think that I am ready. I fully admit and am aware that when I went off the pill over a year ago I was not ready. My husband's biological clock was ticking, and I knew that we would be in for a rough ride, so I was taking the bull by the horns, knowing that I wouldn't conceive right away anyways. But now? NOW I AM READY. Like I said in the previous paragraphs: I have been feeling good. Probably the best I can remember in my adult life. I have been eating well, taking care of myself, and all that other stuff. I have. I am not making this up. I am not saying all this in order to convince myself. It's the truth. I feel psychologically, emotionally and physically prepared to carry a baby and be a mother. Hello, spirit of baby! I am ready for you.
I do strongly believe that the healthier you are in all aspects of your life, the better environment you are giving the baby you conceive. I can intellectualize that. But the reason that I am not conceiving is due to the fact that I am not ovulating (and maybe, if by chance I am, that my husband's boys are not up to snuff, but I am not harping on that today.) And the reason that I am not ovulating does not have to do with the fact that I am not healthy (in an excercizing, eating well, not being stressed way). Becasue in all those ways, I am healthy. So I am kind of having a hard time dealing with the possibility that I am not pregnant becasue I am not spiritually ready.
I didn't really respond to my homeopath when she put that on the table. I wasn't sure what to say. I like her so much, and I truly believe that she meant no harm in what she was saying to me, because she truly believes it. I don't think that she has had any other patients battle with IF the way that I am facing it. And therefore she hasn't had to deal with things you should and shouldn't say, and how you should put things, when talking to an IF. So I can't be angry with her (and I'm not! This is not an angry post!). I'm just wondering what I should do. Should I email her info and links about what to say to an infertile friend? Should I just let it be knowing that I don't really understand why she told me that my body has to be spiritually ready, when in fact I feel that I have never been more ready for anything in my life?
She has at no point told me that I shouldn't take provera or clomid. She does not make me feel foolish for choosing a traditional route for dealing with my IF. She has really helped me acheive great balance and wellness in all other aspects of my life. But let's face it, she can't preform IUI or IVF! I have to see a medical doctor for this. Because it seems like it ain't gonna happen any other way....
So my question remains: what to speak up about in this instance? Please friends, lend me a bit of advice on this front. (But please don't let your opinions on homeopathy dictate your reply. This is not really about whether or not you think homeopathy "works" or not...)

Oh! just realized that the title of the post indicated that I would be sharing other tidbits of information. I think I've written enough, and will save them for another day!

ANYTHING TO GET THAT DEPRESSING POST OFF THE TOP OF THE PAGE

I mean, really.
I want to crawl into bed all over again when I read it. YIKES.
Your comments have heped me more than I will ever be able to express. To know that I am not alone, and that my freakish behaviour was normal (hah!) is why I decided to blog. It is my hope that I provide the same support for you ladies when you need it.

The good news is this, people:
I DID NOT crawl into bed after that post. I DID get dressed (YAY!) and walk to the grocery store to get Kraft Dinner. (If I had some KD in the house I doubt I would've gotten some clothes on my ass, but that is nto the point here.) I DID watch Days of our Lives, but in the basement, on the SOFA, not curled up snugly in my bed. AND THEN my friend called and I proceed to bitch and hang up on her not once, but twice. Wherein I burst into hysterics. Luckily she's a good friend and called me back saying "what the fuck", (becasue, like, really, on a normal day, what the fuck??!!) and I told her that I have so much shit going on, and really, this has nothing to do with her. Which is true. OH MAN, is it true.

The bad news is this, people:
My docotor called at about 5:15 that afternoon to give me the results of the semen analysis. For those of you playing along at home, this dr. is my gyn, not an RE. I do not have an appointment with the RE until the end of OCtober (an appointment that I made in APRIL.) She got straight to the point: "Your husband's sperm count is 20 million. Normal range is 60-150 million. And it is very viscose, which means thick." Me: "oh."
She proceed to yak and say things like "there are other things that we look for in analysis bla bla bla", referring to motility and morphology, but not actually SAYING those words. She was more or less treating me as a layperson, someone who is NOT obsessed with her fertility, and someone who obviously does not have a posse of wonderful women to rely on for support and wealth of information. However, before I could jump in and say "Dr, I know all about these things called motility and morphology," my mother walked into the house. My mother who does not know about out IF, and who has no problem listening to my conversations while on the phone, walked into my very old and not-at-all soundproof house. So that was the end of that conversation. I don't expect too much from my gyn, as I am well aware that she is not and RE. I know she is doing what she can for me (and us as a couple) seeing as our appointment with the RE is still two and a half months away. Before hanging up she was insistent that The C go for another analysis, and if the results are consistent, then she will send him off to a urologist. AND she did also say: "Ms. C, it doesn't mean you should stop trying this month! You never know!" Ummm, lady, I am not all hyped up on clomid for nothing! You bet your ass I am going to "keep trying," whateverthatmeans, thankyouverymuch.
There are a few issues here. The first being that my dr. didn't read my file before calling me, so she was not au courant on her own prescription of clomid, and my nonovulatory self. The second is that she was very vague when discussing the motility and morphology factors, and so I am still left not knowing what those are for The C. (Factors that I WILL call to find out about today. I will not get off the phone until she tell me something concrete. I am not an imbecile.) The third being that she flipantly told me to "keep trying", whithout regard that trying is almost of no use seeing as I probably won't ovulate anyways (and that my husbabd's sperm? they are not going to do the trick). And fifth, high holy shit, I just can't believe that both of us have problems that are contributing to our inability to conceive. (And I am not using the words high holy shit lightly.)
So, yah, my mother was over at my house when I received this news. And I had to act completely normal, when a little bit of me had just died inside. I am totally freaked out about this. My own issues? I am learning to deal with. Now with added low sperm count fun? HOW ARE WE EVER GOING TO DO THIS? The hilarity never seems to end.

***

I was pretty down Thursday evening, but The C, he was marvelous. He was so good to me. He took the attitude of "well there are still 20 million," and didn't seem all that phased. It was somewhat odd to me how calm he was.

Friday, miraculously, was a good day. And so was pretty much the rest of the weekend. The C's parents, sister, brother in law and two neices (10 and 13, not babies, thank god,) came to stay. We had fun. I was relatively well behaved, and only lost my cool when I was sititng having brunch looking directly at a woman to whom the waitress remarked: "We all think you look like the perfect pregnant woman." Dammit, I WANT TO BE THE PERFECT PREGNANT WOMAN!

Today is a new day. I will work, and then I will go work out like a good and normal girl. I promise that my NEXT post will not be full of anger, as I didn't seem to do it this time!

LAST NIGHT=BAD

And today I don't feel much better.
I flew of the handle while we were cleaning up after a perfectly pleasant dinner. Just like anybody, I want to feel appreciated. And I know that The C appreciates me. I really, really do. (And for the record, I appreciate him so much, and more so each time I spend time with some of my friends' partners.)
Last night I was harping on a comment that The C made in jest to me last week. Something to the tune of how he wished I did a bit more around the house seeing as I am home all day. (Yes, I am home all day: working.) And he's right, I can do like 5% more, I know that. I wanted to tell him that his "criticism" was hear, but the way in which he said it to me was very hurtful, and that if he had used other words, I would have gotten the point, but would not have been left feeling bad about myself. For some reason he was not able to get this point until about an hour and a half later.
In that time I was reduced to a wailing, blubbering, sniffling, chocking, sorry state in the dark in our bedroom. I went from trying to let my husband know that something he said annoyed me (and that if he just appologized and rephrased his words all would be better, becasue after all, he does have a point,) to feeling like the most imperfect, inadequate, stupid, unlovable person becasue it seems like I can't get pregnant. I was wailing. My pillow was soaked through. The C didn't know what to do but hold me and rock me. I felt like such a hopeless baby.
Today my eyes are puffy and I have a hangover type headache. I'm still in my bathrobe. I want Kraft Dinner for lunch, and want to climb into bed at 1:00 to watch Days of our Lives (but turn it off if there is any indication that the IVF storyline will be shown.)
I feel pretty low, and I never realized that this journey would make me feel like this.

TODAY IS CD 8

I've been taking my temperature and checking my CM like a good girl. I'm oscillating between finding all this paying attention to what's going on in my body being an obsessive-compulsive thing and it being a pain in the ass.
My temp had been pretty steady (around 36.4) until today. Last night we slept with the AC off, and the windows open, and the morning was sticky and muggy. Well, up shot my temp to 36.61! What do I do with a temp like that? Ignore it and just keep going? Help, please!
And while we're on the subject of helping me out (for which I am forever grateful for you guys' existence, really I am, as you have always come in with honest answers when I have asked): How do I describe my CM?? Ok, let me elaborate... HWat is the difference between "sticky" and "creamy" and "watery"? Egg white I think I can figure out, I know what eggwhites look like! Oh and fertility friend, there is also "dry". What does this mean, dry??? Please, come to the aid of a girl in need!
Today is CD 8, and day 4 of 100 mg clomid. I am asking all these questions not because I am a moron when it comes to my own body, but becasue the truth is that I have not ovulated many times in my life, and am therefore not all that familliar with the signs that accompany it. I am hoping (eeks, hoping! who am I to hope?) that this round will show some ovulatary activity. To date the annovulation seems to be my only issue. so if we can get me to ovulate...

In other news, my parents were away for a week with a couple that is the same age as The C and I are. (Actually, if you want to get technical, they are younger, and have been married for a year less, but who's gonna get petty about that?) (I bet you can see where this is going.) (Should I write one more sentence in brackets? I think so!) (I digress.) So my mom calss me up, and we are having a lovely chat. Weather's been great, they are sitting by the pool, nice breeze, having a ball, and Cindy (not her real name) is pregnant. In a split second my mood changed. Of course I immediately said: "Wow, wonderful, with her a mazel tov for me," but deep inside my heart was getting heavy and it felt like it was going to sink down to my toes. "When is she due," I inquired. "In January." "Great," replied I (starting to feel ill), "She will be have her baby the same time as Renee."
There are som many thoughts that went through my head, none of which I am particularly proud of, but in reading other peoples' stories I know are not uncommon. Something to the tune of: Why them and not me? When she got pregnany I had already been trying for nine months! It's just not FAIR. I better be motherfucking pregnant by the time they give birth or my life will be a living hell. And worst of all: My mother seems happier and more excited about this than anything I have told her in a long time.
Needless to say, the rest of my day was shit. The C came home from work soon after the phone call, and though he did his best to console me, but kept on harping on the fact that I was being somewhat pessimistic, and that I should just be happy for them. Really, he wanted to know WHY I JUST COULDN'T PUT ASIDE THE FACT THAT THEY HAVE WHAT I WANT, BUT I SHOULD JUST FEEL HAPPY FOR THEM. Really. He told me that my attitude was so pessimistic, and that really hurt me. I don't feel like I'm being pessimistic, I'm being realistic. The reality is that we are not able to get pregnant. That reality bites the big one.
After going around in circles for a bit, explaining that what I need most from him is empathy and understanding I think he realized what I was feeling. I pointed out that maybe HE didn't have a problem with feeling happy for our friends, but it would be kind if he recognized that this was very difficult for me. He softened considerably. (And then took me out for dinner and got me drunk! What a guy!)
Of course the story doesn't really end there. My parents came home last night, and we went out for a bite to eat. They were oohing and ahhing over Cindy. "She's so cute!" "She's so sweet!" "It's so exciting!" And my dad: "Man, are they going to spoil that baby rotten!" It hurt SO FREAKING MUCH. They should be thinking those things about me! Wanting to spoil our baby! Ach, I just couldn't take it! We got home, and I was a weepy needy mess. I was so unhappy. It really doesn't become me to be this way, but, fuck.
Also, it's not really fair for me to be angry with my parents about going on and on about someone else's pregnancy. They don't have a clue what we are going through. They can't possibly know that when they are excited about someone else, it kills me that it's not me. I'm really at a loss for what to do. The C and I discussed telling them about our IF only if we needed financial help form them (ie: further down the road, if it comes to IVF.) Now I am thinking that we should sit down and let them know, because all theses pregnancy announcements are killing me. They can't be sensitive if they don't know that there is something to be sensitive about, right? I love my parents, but my whole life they have pushed me very very hard. They have always had enormously high expectations of me (which I seem to miraculously achieve.) I feel like with IF not matter how hard I work I am jsut not overcoming the obstacles. My father's favorite saying is: "There's no such thing as luck. It's called hard work." I AM working hard. But it's just not happening. Another hesitation is that I know if we spill the beans they will be on our back about treatments, and all that stuff. Did you try this, did you try that, have you called here, etc... They mean well, but often it's a bit too much pressure (especially for The C who didn't grow up in a family like this.) My parents have a family-run business, where my husband works. He spends like 12 hours a day with my parents. I have my own business, and I work from home, and often my mother comes to help me out. We are very embroiled in each other's lives. I don't know if I can take them knowing "everything." Worst of all: What if they just don't get it? What if they say some stupid shit?

Alright, it's time to wind this down. I have a headache and need to grab some tylenol. I don't know if I feel better for writing this all down, but I do feel that I have gotten my thoughts in "order" about all the issues that have been floating around my head for the past couple of days. Thanks for listening.
(And, is there any chance my foul mood can be due to the clomid? Just putting it out there...)