THE FINALE

I’m thinking it’s fine time to finish this story up. I have to say it’s been great getting all these years of emotions off my chest, even if I am doing so in a rather rambling fashion. It’s good to get it all out, alright!
Oh yes, the October 23rd Appointment. Thanks, LutC, for freaking out about the date! Believe me, I did too when I heard it. Holy shit, I thought, that’s not for another 7 months (as this was back in April.) Surprisingly, for being a big city, it doesn’t seem like Montreal has that much to offer in terms of fertility centres. The one my appointment is at comes very highly recommended by my doctor, and apparently it is very personal. I’m excited about what I have heard and read about this clinic, but of course I won’t know till I get there. The receptionist who I spoke to seemed real sweet, especially as we were winding down our call and she said: “Just letting you know there is a $100.00 cancellation fee if do not cancel more than 24 hours before your appointment.” To which I replied: “Well why on earth would I want to cancel??” “Well you might be pregnant!” she said with glee. Wishful thinking! It never occurred to me that it could happen, but I guess it does…
So, until then (four months minus one day and counting):
My gynecologist has issued me a ticket on the Clomid train. (Really it’s Serophene, but you know, it’s all the same!) (You see LutC, I am getting busy in the meantime!!) Round 1 with 50mg is coming to a close. Because I don’t spontaneously bleed, we started with another dose of Provera. I hadn’t gotten my period since November, and it showed up in true form. It wasn’t going to let me down this time. It pulled out all the stops, making a real spectacle of itself. (Please refer back to Part 1 to learn how much I REALLY love to menstruate.) I took the drugs form days 5-9 and waited for some side effects. I don’t think that much happened; perhaps I was a bit mood swingy. I did have a full meltdown one evening right before going to sleep, and I mean COMPLETE. Like the world was going to fall apart. Like nothing would ever be right. Like my husband is a terrible creature.
Of course he is not terrible. Without him I don’t think I would have made it through the night. Funny shit drugs do to you.
When my five days were up, it was time to start doing it like rabbits, as per my doctor’s schedule. (Having done so much research I am interested in the fact that she doesn’t think that it’s necessary to do any monitoring mid cycle. But that’s a whole other post on its own.) As mentioned before I am quite neurotic, I worry a lot and get stressed quite easily. Before we even began, the thought of having sex on a schedule was freaking me out. What is we forget? What if I’m too tired? What if it’s not good? What if we miss the one millisecond that I actually ovulate? And WHAT IF HIS SPERM ISN’T GOOD (we haven’t tested yet…)
I am very serious when it comes to following directions and doing things just right. I feel that if I do one little thing wrong that it will jeopardize any chance we have with conceiving by having old fashioned sex. The worst part is that I can’t help thinking that all this stress and worrying is just the beginning. There are parts of my heart and brain that are already pretty sure that the Clomid won’t do the trick.
I POAS last Sunday for the hell of it. It was day 24 of my cycle. (Maybe I ovulated early, I thought to myself. After all, I don’t really know what a cycle is for me.) Of course it was negative. (DUH!) I don’t know how I am going to be able to do this month after month. I walked to the drugstore to get a test for tomorrow (Day 31). The store was closed. No stick for me!! On day 35 I can go for a blood test to prove the inevitable and start this process all over again.
Now that I’ve made the decision that I want to get pregnant, I feel that every second ticking away. Once I set my mind to something I like to take control and make it happen. It’s always how I have done everything in my life. I am not a person who fails, gives up or gives in. I think that’s what the hardest part of facing my infertility.