Saturday, June 24, 2006

THE FINALE

I’m thinking it’s fine time to finish this story up. I have to say it’s been great getting all these years of emotions off my chest, even if I am doing so in a rather rambling fashion. It’s good to get it all out, alright!
Oh yes, the October 23rd Appointment. Thanks, LutC, for freaking out about the date! Believe me, I did too when I heard it. Holy shit, I thought, that’s not for another 7 months (as this was back in April.) Surprisingly, for being a big city, it doesn’t seem like Montreal has that much to offer in terms of fertility centres. The one my appointment is at comes very highly recommended by my doctor, and apparently it is very personal. I’m excited about what I have heard and read about this clinic, but of course I won’t know till I get there. The receptionist who I spoke to seemed real sweet, especially as we were winding down our call and she said: “Just letting you know there is a $100.00 cancellation fee if do not cancel more than 24 hours before your appointment.” To which I replied: “Well why on earth would I want to cancel??” “Well you might be pregnant!” she said with glee. Wishful thinking! It never occurred to me that it could happen, but I guess it does…
So, until then (four months minus one day and counting):
My gynecologist has issued me a ticket on the Clomid train. (Really it’s Serophene, but you know, it’s all the same!) (You see LutC, I am getting busy in the meantime!!) Round 1 with 50mg is coming to a close. Because I don’t spontaneously bleed, we started with another dose of Provera. I hadn’t gotten my period since November, and it showed up in true form. It wasn’t going to let me down this time. It pulled out all the stops, making a real spectacle of itself. (Please refer back to Part 1 to learn how much I REALLY love to menstruate.) I took the drugs form days 5-9 and waited for some side effects. I don’t think that much happened; perhaps I was a bit mood swingy. I did have a full meltdown one evening right before going to sleep, and I mean COMPLETE. Like the world was going to fall apart. Like nothing would ever be right. Like my husband is a terrible creature.
Of course he is not terrible. Without him I don’t think I would have made it through the night. Funny shit drugs do to you.
When my five days were up, it was time to start doing it like rabbits, as per my doctor’s schedule. (Having done so much research I am interested in the fact that she doesn’t think that it’s necessary to do any monitoring mid cycle. But that’s a whole other post on its own.) As mentioned before I am quite neurotic, I worry a lot and get stressed quite easily. Before we even began, the thought of having sex on a schedule was freaking me out. What is we forget? What if I’m too tired? What if it’s not good? What if we miss the one millisecond that I actually ovulate? And WHAT IF HIS SPERM ISN’T GOOD (we haven’t tested yet…)
I am very serious when it comes to following directions and doing things just right. I feel that if I do one little thing wrong that it will jeopardize any chance we have with conceiving by having old fashioned sex. The worst part is that I can’t help thinking that all this stress and worrying is just the beginning. There are parts of my heart and brain that are already pretty sure that the Clomid won’t do the trick.
I POAS last Sunday for the hell of it. It was day 24 of my cycle. (Maybe I ovulated early, I thought to myself. After all, I don’t really know what a cycle is for me.) Of course it was negative. (DUH!) I don’t know how I am going to be able to do this month after month. I walked to the drugstore to get a test for tomorrow (Day 31). The store was closed. No stick for me!! On day 35 I can go for a blood test to prove the inevitable and start this process all over again.
Now that I’ve made the decision that I want to get pregnant, I feel that every second ticking away. Once I set my mind to something I like to take control and make it happen. It’s always how I have done everything in my life. I am not a person who fails, gives up or gives in. I think that’s what the hardest part of facing my infertility.

11 comments:

Krista said...

Admitting I had no control has been the hardest part for me. It seems that with everything else if I just want it bad enough and work hard enough, I get it. But not so with fertility.

Glad to hear you are being productive in your wait for the clinic. Will your family doctor order a sperm analysis?

Sunnie said...

OOOh no control over infertility? That was the most difficult part of the whole thing....good luck in Oct :)

Meg said...

Ms C. Hi, and welcome to the crazy world of infertility (Ha!) I haven't been here that long either - unfortunately we've had to go straight to IVF with ICSI, which is right about to start. How dreadful you have to wait so long for your first appointment. At least your doc has been getting you moving on Clomid. That's some progress, I guess! :)

Manuela said...

Couple things. First, thanks for delurking over on my site... you had me in stitches about the hearts and rainbows... not my usual style, to be sure!

And secondly... here's hoping that you do INDEED have to pay a $100 cancellation fee!

GZ said...

I think for me the lack of control is one of the very most frusterating things about this whole shitty process.

I also had to wait 7 months for my RE appointment. When I made the appointment, I didn't think I would actually need it. While you wait, I would definitely pester your primary doc to order a semen analysis, maybe some labs on you, and anything else you can get. Also keep a great BBT chart. We had all this done through our primary doc, and I am so glad we did, as it saved us waiting a whole cycle to get rolling, and 250$ for an extra appointment.

ChicagoGirl said...

I know exactly what you mean -- giving up control is the hardest part for me! I've tried to keep a small semblance of control by feverishly learning as much as I can about IF and MFI so I can at least ask the right questions and help guide my doctors' care of me. It's not much, but at least I feel like I'm doing something. I'll keep my fingers crossed that you have to cancel the Oct. appointment!

Erin said...

As a Type A person, accepting that I had no control over IF has been one of the most difficult parts of dealing with it.

Sorry you have to wait so long for your appt, but hopefully it will be a great one. Actually, hopefully you won't need it. I agree with Gravida about what to do.

FWIW, my RE doesn't do mid-cycle monitoring on Clomid (except when we're doing IUI), but does do bloodwork and u/s at the beginning of each cycle before starting a new prescription to make sure that I don't have any cysts. Maybe ask your dr about that?

Thalia said...

Sorry to hear that you had to join our club. I think gravida's ideas are great, I hope they get you going while you wait for this new appointment. It does sound like the clinic should be good when you finally get there.

Just a thought. In the UK lots of ppl cancel their NHS appts because they get pregnant. The way to sneak in early is to ring every week to see if there have been any cancellations so that you can come in sooner. Is it worth you doing that?

Angie said...

This is the crappiest club to join! I'm so sorry things aren't working out for you. My gyno didn't monitor me while I was on clomid either, but my fertility specialist did. I can't believe how long you have to wait for your RE appointment, but I'm hoping you have to pay the $100 to cancel! :-) Can't wait to hear more!

Jennie said...

From one control freak to another, are you taking your temperature? That has helped me out a lot with control issues. I was having very long cycles before clomid and then while on clomid my gyn wasn't doing much in the way of monitoring. Temping has helped me know if and when I did ovulate so I wasn't going through 50 hpts. So if I didn't ovulate until day 42 I wouldn't be wasting hpts on cd 28. I just felt like while monitoring my temperature I have a little more control in knowing what my body was doing (or not doing).

My R.E. is doing a lot of monitoring now, but I'm still temping.

Lut C. said...

I didn't want to hound you or anything. But I'm glad you've found a way to do something while you wait, even though you're not enjoying any of it as such.