Thursday, June 15, 2006

DELURKING

I have a confession to make: I have been lurking around the blogoshere for months now. I'd been reading blogs for a while, but then one day, amidst my pain, thinking about how in the world it will every be possible for me to conceive a baby, I stumbled upon one infertility blog. Which led me to another. And yet another. And many many many more. I couldn't believe it. There were women out there like me! Not like this is a club that I wanted to belong to, but really, this is the only body I have, and so I knew that I was going to have to work with it.
And so my hunting and gathering of reproductive and infertility information began. Until that point I was really relying on what my gynecologist was telling me about. Hello!! That was just not enough for me. And then I found all of you. Some with seemingly similar problems, others with issues I didn't even know could occur. You have let me into your lives, allowed me to read about your ups and downs. You have shown me that wow, it really can happen, we can get pregnant. And also that sadly, scarily, the one thing that I fear most, that possibly some of us can't. You have taught me so much: why I need blood tests, what my levels should be, get thee an ultrasound, and the acronyms-oh my!
Reading about real people has given me the strength to address my personal fears. Layer by layer I am getting to my feelings on what I feel my body is in some way denying me and my husband. And I am learning how to talk to my husband about infertility. My sweet, darling husband (well, most of the time!) who has been talking about a family from the day we met. My husband who really didn't want to believe that infertility could be in store for us (though I have had an inkling about this practically my entire life.) Because of all of you out there, I have the courage to open up tackle our infertility.
I have never commented on any of the blogs I read. I didn’t feel it was right unless I was able to give you somewhere to find out about me, after you have shared so much, so openly. I was also scared that I wouldn’t be taken seriously. “Who is this girl? Why does she think that she belongs in the same category as me?”, I always imagined everyone thinking. Though, comparatively, I know this is the beginning of my journey with infertility, I want to lend my support to those I have been reading. I don’t know how long the road is, and I have been set on this path unwillingly, but I have no choice but to follow it.
So I present you with my blog, a space that has taken me so long and so much courage to create. Somewhere I can chronicle this journey, however long it may be, and somewhere where I hope I can find the support that I am looking for from time to time.
I am delurking. For me and for you.

7 comments:

electriclady said...

Welcome!

Hopeful Mother said...

Welcome (though, as you said, it's the club nobody really wants to join).

I felt the same as you - I lurked for quite a while before starting my own blog.

It has been very therapeutic for me to journal my thoughts along the way, and the women in the IF blogosphere are absolutely fantastic - you will not regret "delurking" at all... this is what keeps it real for me while going through something so new and often scary. My husband is great, but it's important to have additional support if you can. IF is such a personal and private journey that it can be very difficult to find someone to talk to that really understands what you're going through.

We're here for you along your journey...

Sunnie said...

:) Welcome to the blogworld....the infertility corner is especially sweet *hug*

GZ said...

I hope you find it as therapeutic as I do. I am excited to hear more about you!

Beth said...

Welcome to the blogosphere!

Carrie said...

Hello :) Just browsing fellow ttc-ers blogs and came across yours. This quote caught me big time:

My husband who really didn't want to believe that infertility could be in store for us (though I have had an inkling about this practically my entire life.)
Yes, yes. I think I've known all of my life that I would have problems getting (or wouldn't be able to get?) pregnant. My husband and friends all brushed my fears off and I was left alone thinking I was crazy. After a PCOS and MFI diagnosis, I knew that I knew something was wrong and I'm still kind of mad at them all for making me think I was dumb for worrying about it. They made me doubt myself. :(

Anyway, I didn't mean for that to get deep like that. Told you that line caught my eye!

So, yeah. Hi!
Carrie

Kim said...

It's strange to read a blog that so closely mirrors your own life. Yet for the past few days, I have been reading through dozens of IF blogs and though there are strong differences, I've never felt so close to women that I have never met or shared a cup of coffee with. I, like you, felt like I wasn't entitled to a blog, that my infertility wasn't 'bad enough' yet to be up there with women who have struggled longer, who have tried harder. I felt like I would be tossed aside because I already have one child, and she should be 'enough'. I finally decided that these women, like you, whose lives I have been fascinated with over the past few days, are some of the most compassionate, empathetic women that I have ever met. It was then that I knew that they wouldn't pass judgement on me.