DELURKING

I have a confession to make: I have been lurking around the blogoshere for months now. I'd been reading blogs for a while, but then one day, amidst my pain, thinking about how in the world it will every be possible for me to conceive a baby, I stumbled upon one infertility blog. Which led me to another. And yet another. And many many many more. I couldn't believe it. There were women out there like me! Not like this is a club that I wanted to belong to, but really, this is the only body I have, and so I knew that I was going to have to work with it.
And so my hunting and gathering of reproductive and infertility information began. Until that point I was really relying on what my gynecologist was telling me about. Hello!! That was just not enough for me. And then I found all of you. Some with seemingly similar problems, others with issues I didn't even know could occur. You have let me into your lives, allowed me to read about your ups and downs. You have shown me that wow, it really can happen, we can get pregnant. And also that sadly, scarily, the one thing that I fear most, that possibly some of us can't. You have taught me so much: why I need blood tests, what my levels should be, get thee an ultrasound, and the acronyms-oh my!
Reading about real people has given me the strength to address my personal fears. Layer by layer I am getting to my feelings on what I feel my body is in some way denying me and my husband. And I am learning how to talk to my husband about infertility. My sweet, darling husband (well, most of the time!) who has been talking about a family from the day we met. My husband who really didn't want to believe that infertility could be in store for us (though I have had an inkling about this practically my entire life.) Because of all of you out there, I have the courage to open up tackle our infertility.
I have never commented on any of the blogs I read. I didn’t feel it was right unless I was able to give you somewhere to find out about me, after you have shared so much, so openly. I was also scared that I wouldn’t be taken seriously. “Who is this girl? Why does she think that she belongs in the same category as me?”, I always imagined everyone thinking. Though, comparatively, I know this is the beginning of my journey with infertility, I want to lend my support to those I have been reading. I don’t know how long the road is, and I have been set on this path unwillingly, but I have no choice but to follow it.
So I present you with my blog, a space that has taken me so long and so much courage to create. Somewhere I can chronicle this journey, however long it may be, and somewhere where I hope I can find the support that I am looking for from time to time.
I am delurking. For me and for you.