Tuesday, July 31, 2007


Did y'all read the last comment of my previous post? No? I'll wait while you do, but don't forget to come back here.

Ok done?

So. I have no qualms about what I'm going to write because I know she's not going to read it. You see, it goes something like this: This is my blog, and if I want to express my anxieties over my current situation, it is my prerogative to do so. My bog, my feelings. I'm part of this community because of the support-both the giving and receiving. If anyone else has a problem with this, picture me opening my humble door wide and wishing you adieu.

Oh, you're all still here? Great. Let's get on with the show.

People of the infertile blogshere: I love you. Your words of encouragement mean so much to me. I know how hard it is for most of you to come here these days. OH LORDY ME, do I know. I have been there and have been doing that for close to two years. In some ways I feel that I am still there, and that I will forever be doing that. It is amazing to me that through all that is tough and all that is wonderful I know that you will empathize. Again and again you have shown me so much compassion and kindness. I get teary just thinking about it.

This blog will inevitably change over the next weeks and months. I do not know into what it will evolve. I just hope that it doesn't fall into the miscarriage category. What I know for sure is that these few weeks of being-deep breath-pregnant have changed me, and I will never be the same, so neither will this space.

A few things I know for sure: I will remain sarcastic and bitchy. I will not curb my swearing. It will have always taken me longer than 3 months to get pregnant, and I will never stop being annoyed with my friend's husband for saying such a stupid thing to me. Also: it is very likely that I will ever stop worrying about shit, even if everything is ok. It's just not in my nature to do so.

Right... that's where we left off last week. The freaking anxiety.

The rest of the week saw a steady increase in the stress. I barely slept, and pretty much worried at every moment that the pregnancy wasn't progressing. My clinic didn't let me change the u/s date, so I pretty much sat here counting the minutes day by day. I did have a bit of a respite this weekend as we went to Ottawa for a friend's wedding. It was good to be away from here. I thought dead baby thoughts only about half as often.

My scan was supposed to be this morning, but yesterday afternoon I had some light pink spotting when I went to the bathroom. Of course I freaked. The C came home and called the clinic as I was barely sane by that time. (Man, I love that guy!) The receptionist told to come in immediately, so off we went. By the time I was in the stirrups I thought I was going to puke from anxiety (which I now know is much different from pregnancy induced nausea.) I couldn't look at the screen (a 40" plasma mounted on the wall right at my head), I couldn't look at the doctor, I just lay there shaking holding The C's hand. I swear I did not breathe until I heard the doctor say: "you can see the heartbeat right here".

In a nutshell: at 6w4d the size is measuring right on, but the doctor was not able to get a "count" on the heartbeat. On one hand this makes me ill with nerves, on the other I have to keep reminding myself that he has not proven himself to be a very good sonographer. I can't help myself, I sit here thinking that it's a weak heartbeat and the signal of a demise.

You know, really, I'm sorry if my anxiety is offensive to you, but I there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. So again here I sit oscillating between fear and feeling that there is not much I can do at this moment anyways. It is such a fucking roller coaster.

The bleeding seems to be due to a small clot in my uterus. I haven't googled it because I don't want to know. The doctor says that because it is positioned below the embryo he isn't as concerned as he would be if it was above. He has told me to really take it easy and to rest as much as possible. I am scheduled for another u/s next Monday, but I was assured that if I felt like I needed to come in sooner that I could.

In the meantime, I just keep hoping that everything is ok.


Heather said...

Something that helped me during my long 9-month wait that will hopefully help you too... everytime I had a "dbt" I would catch myself and say aloud "now let's have a DEAR baby thought." "My dear baby, I love you so much" or "my dear baby, I can't wait to meet you," etc. It really helped me get through those moments of crazy anxiety and helped me from focusing too much on the other dbts. I hope it helps and I'll be sending you lots of good vibes! :)

Natalie said...

Reading that anonymous comment made me so angry. Would you go up to an infertile and tell her to just "get over it"?? Pregnancy after infertility is another whole category. And it's not always going to be sunshine and roses.... and there's going to be a LOT of anxiety.

*hugs* Lots of good, safe baby vibes coming your way.

Flygirl said...

Your blog, your place to do with as you please. I think that 99% of us can empathize with your anxiety and encourage you to talk about it.

So take it easy and rest as the doctor ordered.


Dianne/Flutter said...

So am I....you know hoping that it is all right. And I pray that it will be.

About the anxiety, have you tried a breathing exercise. I've had my bouts and it seems to help me.

Waiting Amy said...

I am so sorry about that comment! Technically, I guess I'm a lurker since I haven't commented before. But I've been reading your blog for a bit now. (By the way, belated congrats!)

Sensitive and thoughtful members of this community WANT you to share ALL your thoughts and emotions. And I can totally understand your concerns. It is hard to fight for something so long and have so many disappointments. It shakes your faith.

But remember, you worked hard for this and deserve it. I think Heather's idea is a great one ... think DEAR baby thoughts. I'm sending some to you right now.

Samantha said...

It sounds like anonymous just needs to "get over herself" or else just go get educated, if she thinks once she gets pregnant everything will be one, sweet, easy dream.

I'm glad your doc found a heartbeat and doesn't think the bleed is anything too serious. I will be hanging here with you make sure everything is okay.

My Reality said...

WTF is with that last comment? I won't even get started.

I am so happy to hear there is a heartbeat! I hope the spotting goes away.

I am keeping you in my thoughts. BTW, I don't plan on going anywhere. :)

Heather said...

And I thought that at this point in the game you definitely wouldn't be getting told to "relax".

I have to admit being really upset with Anon. Every good woman worries when they're pregnant. After all you have been through, you realize how much you could lose. I think you are way more sane than you have a right to be. I'm glad they left, you don't need their assvice or comments.

I'm thinking about you and praying for you guys.

Erin said...

Oh...my...freaking...HELL! How could someone write that? How could any infertile get pregnant and just think "La di da, it's all going to be all right now!" You have every right to feel scared and to tell us about it, because we all understand what you mean. And we'll keep reading and hoping for every bit of news to be good.

I'm so glad you were able to find the heartbeat and that the bleeding isn't getting any worse. I hope it stops soon--I spotted quite a bit for the first trimester, and it scared me to death.

A said...

Ugh, I can't believe that comment. The anxiety over the pregnancy can be horrifying and all-consuming, especially when it certainly didn't take three months or just "relaxing" to get pregnant. It truly amazes me that anyone going through infertility couldn't understand that...I feel like those of us who have had to go down the IF road are even more anxious and afraid than most people when we do get pregnant, because we understand grief in this arena and we know how friggin' hard it can be to even get to this place.

So please keep blogging about your anxiety! I know it helped me immensely to do this, even though I worried that it wasn't ok to talk about because I should just be grateful all the time. But you know, people were right there to help me through it -- and I couldn't have gotten the much-needed support if I hadn't blogged about it.

Spotting is scary, I have had three episodes of it thus far...all I know is that it seems to be pretty common, which doesn't make it any more fun but it was good for me to know that it didn't necessarily spell disaster.

Hang in there, and congrats on seeing the heartbeat! My doc has never told me the number, just said it was "good" which actually helped me since it meant I couldn't run home and obsessively google heartbeat numbers :)

Meg said...

Ms C, every infertile person who has ever had two lines feels the way you do. That reader must depart every blog that gets pregnant.

Good luck.

Nico said...

I'm really glad you got to see the h/b, but sorry that the u/s wasn't totally reassuring. Hopefully the clot will resolve in short order, and you'll both get a clean bill of health next Monday!

I'm sorry for anon, and sorry that she took her sadness out on you. I think all of our readership changes over time as we go through different stages, and that's ok. You keep blogging, and keep blogging about what YOU want to. If anon (or anyone else) doesn't want to read anymore, that's their prerogative. You have plenty of people who will stay with you!

Amy R said...

Wow, that anon. commenter was so not cool! :( Don't change your ways and writing at all! And regarding your baby, I'm crossing my fingers that everything is okay!

Caro said...

wow that commenter - no words to express my reaction.

Hooray for the heartbeat and hoping things stay ok too.

Geohde said...

The fact that the baby is measuring on dates is reassuring.

I remember the crippling anxiety too, it's tough being pregnant after IF. Hang in there



jv said...

Sending you lots of good thoughts!

serenity said...

Yep. Your blog, your space. You can write about whatever you want. Screw anonymous.

Not much you can do about the anxiety except for ride it out. The one thing that seems to be helping me is deep breathing. That and reminding myself that I've managed to get pregnant once, so if this isn't viable, there's a good likelihood that I can do it again.

It's not the happiest of thoughts, but it's something.

Hugs. 6w4d is still pretty early to get a good read on the h/b.

Thinking good thoughts for you.

Kate said...

I don;t know what the hell is the matter with people. If she's lucky, someday she'll understand what you're going through. Also, totally chicken shit to not use her name.

Ann said...

First of all, congrats on the heartbeat. I'm sorry about the clot and the fact that you couldn't get a heart rate. I'm hoping your next u/s will make you feel better; it's likely just a fluke. If the doc isn't concerned, then you have less reason to be, right? :)

On the commenter--you know exactly how I feel about all that. Here's another thought: We all know that it's impossible for a "fertile" to know what it's like dealing with IF. Well, it's also impossible for someone waiting to be pregnant to understand how terrifying it is to be expecting a miscarriage any day. This commenter should immediately stop reading blogs once an IF-er becomes pregnant, if that's how she feels.

TeamWinks said...

Anon is a rookie. The longer you are in the "game" the more you realize that fear is a normal response to something new (even if you worked your arse off to be in that new position.) Let's give her the grace that she didn't give you.

Mooooving on. I'm glad everything was ok in the ute, and little one's heart was thumping away!

ellie said...

OMG! I am horrified that your lurker left you that comment-- apparently she is not well read and totally doesn't get that getting pregnant is really just one part of a very large and complex list of things that can go wrong depending on the weather, time of day, and who knows what that causes things to go wrong. I'm glad that your u/s showd a heart beat-- and at 6 weeks-- it's a really good sign. I can't say much to take away the anxiety- only monday can do that- but I am thinking good thoughts for you and I'll keep my fingers and toes crossed that it goes well for you.

Kristen said...

I'm so so happy you were able to see a heartbeat! I'm sorry about the spotting but I'm sure everything is just fine in there.

As far as MRS. ANONYMOUS is concerned, don't let the door hit ya in the a$$ on the way out, honey!

I mean, sure, I get sad a little when I think how it could be me (or should be me after my losses) but I could never reject my IF support buddies because of my own selfishness or grief. She is just bitter with her lot in life and you know what...she needs to stand in line!

I have been in your shoes with the anxiety and I wish there was some secret I could give you. All I can suggest is to find some way to distract yourself in between u/s's. One milestone at a time.

Beruriah said...

I just linked over here in my own quest to distract myself from anxiety. I'm not infertile, but I'm too familiar with loss.

Since this is my first time reading, let me say, congratulations on seeing the heartbeat! That's one hurdle overcome.

Of course you're freaking anxious! All of the naivety surrounding pregnancy has been taken from you.

I bet you don't even need the one piece of a**vice I have about anxiety, but here goes: Feel free to call the doctor's office whenever the hell you want! I hope the bleeding stops and you'll find the anxiety lessens as time passes, though.

Take care.

sariel & shlomit said...

Ack! I feel guilty for not being around for all of this!! First the anonymous commenter...uh, yah, nuff said. THen all the other scarey stuff.
Girl, I am here for you. we are all here for you. Whatever you are feeling, whenever and why (or why not?!). IF sucks and it is what it is and we would all be completely insane without eachother (okay, i'm speaking for myself)....
Again, I just wish I had a magic wand to whisk away the fears, but that's not the way it goes.
Instead I'm sending loads of love and good vibes...and I will soon give you the hugest of hugs in real life and we will laugh until stuff flies out of our noses! (or not).

peace and love,

Alison said...

How dare any of us utter what we consider insensitive or wrong in relation to your circumstances. It is never anyone’s place to tell you how you should or should not feel. Shame on her. Bitterness is a cancer of the soul and I feel sorry for her, but that still doesn’t give her the right to say what she said.

I’m so so happy that the little bean is growing! Stand tall on that assurance. I love the idea of dear baby… sending dear baby thought your way right now.

decemberbaby said...

phew... I'm glad to hear the bleeding was from an identifiable source that had nothing to do with the baby... and you saw a heartbeat - another great milestone!

Hang in there. It's totally nerve-wracking and the DBTs can be really harsh. Be kind to yourself and take it easy.

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

No words for the idiot anonymous commenter.

So exciting that you saw a heartbeat. I so hope that the spotting goes away soon. Hugs.

Nearlydawn said...

I think everyone covered the bases on the the anon poster... :)

I'm so glad you got in for the US. I know it was driving you mad to wait. I was so scared at my first US that I didn't even want to go in the room. I was so sure it would be bad news.

Hoping your next US gives you all the HB comfort you need. The anxiety does seem to lessen a little after you see that the HB is OK. IF this Dr can't get the HB monitor to work next time call your OB and schedule a 2nd opinion appt. That way you can get the much-needed information ASAP.

es said...

Just found your blog through Mel's...

I am also an extremely anxious person. Even before going through IVF, I always knew that when I got pregnant, I would not be sane. And now I am (15 weeks) pregnant, and I am a crazy person. I sometimes can't sleep at night from the worry, and every night I look at my belly in the mirror and worry that it's not growing and that everything is OK in there. I would ideally like to have a sonogram every day just to check. (Somehow I don't think my doctor would go for that). I have been bleeding off and on for the last three weeks because of a clot in my uterus which only made my anxiety worse (the first time I bled was a huge red flow. Incredibly frightening).

I'm not sure why I'm telling you all this. Just so you know that you're TOTALLY not alone and that I understand the mixed emotions of feeling incredibly lucky and grateful for the pregnancy you have while on the other hand absolutely terrified that everything should be OK. Lots of luck.

es said...

Oh, and btw, google is evil. I googled the term that my doctor told me my clot is called, and practically had a nervous breakdown from what I found- all these scary statistics on miscarriage. I called my doctor in a panic and he reassured me. So I have learned my lesson to never do that again.

~r said...

You know, for me, pregnancy anxiety was so much harder than the IF that preceded it. Your anonymous commenter needs to understand that a positive pregnancy test is only the beginning of the next phase in the roller-coaster.

Wishing you a safe (and sane!) rest of the pregnancy.

Anonymous said...

Wow - someone is seriously bitter to leave that comment. Any IFer who makes it to the pregnant side relates to your anxieties. We tend to know too much of what can go wrong and, if you are prone to anxiety, it is only worse.

A heartbeat -- that is great!


thatgirl said...

As someone who's not really yet part of the "infertile blogosphere" but looking in as I contemplate what our next steps are and fear calling back my doc for the first test results... let me just thank you for just posting what you think and feel. It actually really helps me feel more positive to know that people can get through really tough times with IF and still get pregnant.

And of COURSE you're anxious... I would be too. And once you have a baby in your arms, you'll be anxious for her/his wellbeing as well. That's natural and beautiful.

And YAY on the heartbeat! That's awesome!

Starr said...

When I finished reading Anon's comment my mouth was just hanging open - from an infertile's perspective, the getting pregnant is just one stressful and anxiety filled step in a LONG process (to think that once I see that 2nd line all the worry is out the window really cracks me up). I'm not even pregnant again yet (2 yrs trying, 2 m/c's, 4 IUIs on injectibles) and I am already worrying about the worrying because it is INEVITABLE. The best you can do is try to get through it day by day (or minute by minute as the case may be). Much good luck to you, I wish you all the best and have so enjoyed reading your blog. Congrats on the heartbeat and I look forward to hearing more good news on Monday!

seattlegal said...

As an infertile woman who got pregnant with IVF, I understand those feelings of anxiety when you get pregnant after going through infertility! After trying for so long and getting negative results, it's hard sometimes to not think of something going wrong. I had those thoughts the ENTIRE pregnancy. It amazes me that another infertile person would say something like that.

I hope everything is going well!

Lut C. said...

Sadly, those few negative comments seem to get under one's skin much more than all the positive ones. It's just the way it is.

I can't help you on the anxiety front. I hope you find a way to manage it. There's no quick fix, but perhaps you might be able to take the edge off with some simple relaxation exercises.

Note, I'm not saying 'just relax'. I had a lot of anxiety during treatment and found that relaxation exercises helped make it bearable.

Anns said...

What a stupid bitch - sorry. How dare someone judge your worries and concerns in that manner. We're all trying here and when that day comes for us all we have to express our fears and worries.

My gut tells me anonymous has never been through what we've been through.

I'm glad she's left and not coming back. Stupid bitch.

Keep well honey!
Anns ox

The Road Less Travelled said...

Just stumbled upon your post, and read that last comment. Ignorant was the word that came to mind. I thought when it happened to me I wouldn't worry about a thing, but I did, and rightfully so. Worry is normal after you've waited so long, and by now we're all aware that it ain't as easy as some people think to get and stay pregnant. Good luck, and never mind what others say, post what you want, it's your blog.

Elizabeth said...

I am viewing your blog for the first time and want to start by saying... Congratulations! I hope and pray all continues to go well with your pregnancy.

As for the comment made by a certain other person. Well, maybe she hasn't been struggeling with infertility for long. Or possibly, she has not had to endure a miscarriage or 2 like some of the "veterans" in this sisterhood. If so she would understand better. As someone who has been fighting to concieve for 4 years, I too would be neurotic about every little thing. Because, lets face it, in this struggle there are no little things.