Tuesday, July 17, 2007

BARREN BITCHES BOOK TOUR: THE KID BY DAN SAVAGE

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this book. It was written with such insight and love, and so chock full of information I couldn't help but warm to the idea of adoption (which I had previoulsy thought was not for me.) Thank you, Mr. Savage for opening my eyes.

One thing that got to me in this book is how these guys didn't have to go through the initial questioning of there OWN fertility. Two men can't make a baby, so they just moved straight to adoption. My question is this: Do you think the reason that you've gone so far with your fertility treatments is because you are caught up in proving to yourself that you ARE fertile? How much are you willing to put your body through in your quest for a baby before you decide to move onto adoption (if that is even an option for you)?

I was actually surprised that adoption seemed to be a no-brainer for Dan and Terry. I know that Dan wrote bits here and there about how, prior to Terry coming into the picture, he though seriously about trying to work with a Lesbian couple as well as thinking about making a deal with a neighbour. However, once he and Terry decided (as a couple) to become dads, I found it odd that they didn’t revisit any scenarios of biological children. Or maybe they had and Dan didn’t find it relevant to the story.

For me, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that the reason I persevered for the past two years was because there was no way that I felt that I could give up on the idea of one day being pregnant with a child that was biologically linked to my husband and me. So it’s not so much about fertility as it is biology. Now that I am very tentatively, ummm, there I can honestly say that I will always question my fertility; I will never see myself as fertile.

As for how much I would put myself through until I thought of adoption? To date we had tried Clomid for 2 cycles (with no ovulation) and done 5 injectible cycles (the 3 last ones with IUI). If we hadn’t gotten the desired result on this past cycle then there was no question that we would move forward to IVF. Since I haven’t had the experience of even one IVF cycle, I can’t really comment on how many I would be willing to do. I imagine it to be infinitely more difficult (physically and emotionally) than IUI, so I don’t know what lengths I would have gone to if this had become the case.

I can only imagine that I would have persisted for at least another 2 years to mirror the time that we have already spent as infertile hopefuls. Also playing a big role is that until reading this book I had previously seen myself as someone who might possibly never be able ready to make a choice about moving forward with adoption.

On p. 164, Dan is terrified of bringing baby items into the house before the adoption is finalized. Will you (or did you) bring items into the house before a birth or an adoption?

I can’t help but agree with Dan on this one!! I know it’s completely unrealistic to have nothing in the house before the baby arrives, but it really does seem like such a jinx. Of course, the “baby stuff” not being in the house will not mean that you will absolutely have a live birth, but I can’t help but wonder a bit. Also riding on this one is the fact that I know someone in real life that lost her twins at 8 months. I can’t imagine the pain that she must have felt looking at a finished nursery ready for her baby to come home alive in just a few more days/weeks.

As for us, I don’t see any furniture or other items being purchased until at least 7 months. I definitely won’t have a shower as it’s not a tradition in my family. One thing that I will admit (because it’s part of the question!) is that The C and I have already visited some big-name websites that carry baby paraphernalia. Certainly looking at onesies can’t kill our baby, can it?

What do you think DJ will think when he reads this book down the line?

I love that someone asked this!! It crossed my mind constantly while reading the book. I think that DJ is one lucky dude that seems to have 2 awesome dads, and he is so fortunate that one of them is so eloquent that he will have his whole birth story and adoption story down in writing. How many kids will get that?

All that being said, I hope he doesn’t lay his hands on it till he’s 20. I can only imagine that it’s gonna be hard for the kid to read all about his dads’ first encounter in the bathroom, as well as a number of other things that kids generally don’t want to think about their parents doing!!


Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Love, and Other Impossible Pursuits by Ayelet Waldman (with author particpation!).

9 comments:

My Reality said...

No, looking at onesies will not kill your baby. You are free to look at anything baby related.

I am hoping to see a more pregnancy related post soon. . .

Ellen K. said...

Good review, and LOL about looking at onesies. Certainly Dan's grandmother would make dire forecasts! ; )

Kate said...

I can really relate to the paranoia about looking at baby items.

T-girl said...

I've been reading your blog for a while and I wanted to tell you that it is what made me start my own.

Congrats on your pregnancy, you must be over the moon, I am so happy for you!

Stacie said...

Looking at onesies will not harm your baby one little bit. If that kind of hoodoo worked, all that relaxation people told you to do would have worked, or those vacations you were surely told to take. Infertility tends to rob us of our joy in pregnancy. We know too much, have taken such a long road to get here. Enjoy it. I know that it is easier said than done.

The Town Criers said...

Looking (and even bringing it into the house) won't harm the bab(ies)--see I'm giving you two here since that beta was so high. I

The book makes me wish my parents were writers so there would be that record of my birth and the decisions surrounding it. I hope to hand my diary to my kids one day so they can see the story--warts and all.

Josh said...

Ah, the jinx. Well, if jinxes don't work then how come it took the Boston Red Sox so long to win a World Series, or Susan Lucci to win a daytime Emmy, or for Charlie Brown to kick that football? Huh, people? Besides, everyone knows looking at onesies doesn't harm babies -- it's stepping on a crack in the sidewalk, or not lifting your feet up when you drive over railroad tracks, or holding your breath when you go past a cemetery that causes 95% of the grief in this world. The only thing looking at onesies causes are some days of heavy humidity and overcast skies on normally sunny weekends.

Lori said...

"I will always question my fertility; I will never see myself as fertile."

I understand when you say this. At the same time, I can say that I've had to reinterpret the word "fertile." I'm a mom of 2 (via adoption) and my days are rich. I help people/things grow. I do lots of mundane tasks and follow through on creative ideas that add up to a good life for my family and for me.

It's said that adoption doesn't "cure" infertility. But your post made me see that I don't consider myself infertile anymore.

Most days.

Thanks for provoking that thought!

And best wishes on all that's going on (no specificity -- no jinx).

Deb said...

Looking won't and bringing things in won't either but I have to agree that it can be hard to get past feeling "unlucky" and why chance it when it when your positive test was gotten the hard way. May your journey be one with a wonderful outcome regardless of how many onesies you look at!