Tuesday, July 24, 2007

FUN STUFF LIKE ANXIETY

All my life I've been nervous about things. The first day of school, the first day of camp, and OMG, that first day when my parents dropped me off at my college dorm! It seems like every momentous occasion in my life has been filled with worry. It's no wonder that I'm feeling a huge amount of anxiety these days.

Don't get me wrong- I am excited. And once in a while the "holy shit there's something growing inside of me"-edness overtakes the anxiety. And those moments are great. But...

Then there are the times when I sit at my desk and poke and prod my boobs. I swear to myself that they are less painful feeling than the day before. And so that is cause for a freakout. I will find, that on another day, I could barely keep my my eyes from shutting while working, when the following day I run around full of energy. Surely this is freakout-worthy as well. And let's not forget that icky-gicky nausea that sometimes is felt in my stomach, and other times at the top of my throat, and of course, every day at a different time leaving me wondering if it's simply related to something that I ate that didn't agree with me. How can that not freak me out?

And so every night I evaluate all of the above, trying to decide if what's inside is still alive. I can't help myself but think about this. I go through my symptoms wondering if they are signs of anything going wrong. And I toss and turn, all the while wondering how I'm going to deal when this ends before it's supposed to. I know of course there's a chance that it won't. But there's also a chance that it may.

I know this is not an original topic that I am blogging about here. I have read the same sentiments from countless women who have been in my position after their IF struggle. So I know I'm not alone. But, although the thought of being alone gives me some comfort, I feel like all the knowledge that you guys have imparted has left me with a grave lack of naïveté about my situation. Quite simply: I know too much about what can go wrong. And, horrifyingly, I have seen it happen time and time again in our circle.

Shit, you think I'm being a little too melodramatic for 8 in the morning? Let's try to keep it real here...

I haven't gone for another beta. At this point (a week since my previous one) I'm not sure it's worth it as it will definitely show an increase in hCG, but it will be over such a long period of time it might not be worth much. (as opposed to measuring it 48 hours apart to be able to see that it's doubling in that time period.) I have my u/s scheduled for the 31st, at which point I will be 6w5d. My clinic does not like to do u/s before 6w2d, but I won't be in town then, so I had had to push it forward. I am really thinking of begging for an appointment this Friday (at 6w1d), because I don't know if I can hold it together until next Tuesday. Besides, Betabase (my new best friend) says that we should be able to see a heartbeat when hCG levels exceed 6000, and by my rough 48 hour doubling calculation I should be way past that already if everything is running smoothly.

I am really trying to stay calm and level-headed about this. I know I'm not the first person to here, and I won't be the last. But this is the first time for me, and I just can't seem to keep the anxiety at bay. The C holds my hand and tells me we will just take it minute by minute, day by day, and just think that all is well until we have an indication of otherwise. I appreciate all that, but it's not his body that will be failing him, and thus doesn't help the worry recede.

But then I stop and think that being anxious doesn't always mean a bad ending for me. That day in September 1994, when I moved into my dorm? The one that had me bawling like a baby at 19, practically begging my parents not to leave me there? The one that left me thinking: how the hell am I ever going to get through this? That's the day I met The C. And that seems to have turned out alright.

23 comments:

Flygirl said...

Hang in there Ms. C. You'll get through this. I wish that I could convince you to not dwell on the symptoms or lack thereof....

Take care of you and relax as much as is possible. :)

Ann said...

I'm right there with you. Almost to the day, in fact. (Although I'm jealous; my u/s isn't until Aug. 7.) It's funny--I hate feeling bad and appetite-less, but I hate feeling good even more.

I don't know which is more agonizing--the 2ww or the time we're in right now. (sigh)

Kate said...

I know it's really hard not to worry. I'm not very good at it. I do the exact same over-analysis of my symptoms, too. SOmehow, we'll survive. :)

Nico said...

There was an abstract that I came across once that said 10,000 for seeing a heartbeat. It's reasonable that you might see on on Friday, but it's also reasonable that you might not. If you can, I'd say to hold out over the weekend so as not to add any undue stress if you don't see that h/b on Friday.

It is *totally* normal for symptoms to come and go as different hormones surge through your body. Keep hanging in there, sweetie, you're doing great!

megan said...

i have to echo Nico about hanging on over the weekend for the u/s. it's really early for heartbeat action and might not mean the worst if you don't see one.
congratulations again, and i'm really holding out that this is it for you.

Watson said...

I wish there was a secret for not worrying once you got pregnant after all this IF crap, (we deserve it, dammit!) but sadly getting pregnant just seems to bring with it an entirely new set of worries.

But, the good news is, you're worried about having a healthy baby! Or babies!! So there's a level of happiness and excitement that at least I never felt while undergoing ART.

It is normal for your body to go through so many new and different things. And I know that's totally nerve-wracking. But hang in there, like everyone says try to take it one day at a time...

If you can wait for the scan just to ensure you see that heartbeat, try to do it. Lord knows you have enought stress as it is :-)

And I wish you all the best!!

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

For crying out loud. I go away for a while and look what happens. Congratulations!!

hopeful to hateful in 28 days said...

Ahh, the worrying....
It sucks and I wish I had advice but I am right there with you. Maybe we just have to believe that everything we be alright.

Thalia said...

of course the anxiety is normal sweetie, hang in there.

The beta would give you as much info now as it would have done at 48 hours - you'll see how fast it's doubling, so if you want one, go. But if you can do without,that's fine too.

My Reality said...

I love the story about you meeting the C.

There is no magic answer as to whether or not this will all turn out in the end. You just have to take it day by day. And sometimes, you just have to believe. Because this can mean you will be bringing home a baby at the end. Keep hanging in there my friend.

Samantha said...

If I were in your situation I would be just as nervous. That's probably true for lots of us, as you noted, your fears have been described by many. I hope your high anxiety gives you as good results as when you met The C!

sariel & shlomit said...

oh curses, if and it's never ending chokehold on our sanity....arrghghghghghghghgh!!!!
i wish i had a magic wand to take all of the anxiety away and leave nothing but niavete (well, a little anyway), hope and excitement....hang in there my friend...i'm rooting for you!
(ps....i will be in montreal for 4 or 5 days in august...i will give you real life hugs a plenty then!!)
peace
shlomit

K said...

I have no words of wisdom, and am quite certain I would feel exactly the same rollercoaster of emotion were I in your shoes. I have barely started the 2ww myself, and have already climbed aboard the emotional rollercoaster that has me feeling totally positive one minute, and silently crying tears of despair the next. As Watson said, unfortunately, the worry and anxiety doesn't end with a positive test, does it? I guess all you can do is tell yourself that the possibility that EVERYTHING IS FINE and you'll be bringing home baby soon is every bit as plausible, feasible, and likely, in fact, even MORE so - than not. I'm sure that doesn't make you feel any better, but I hope hearing the heartbeat will!

decemberbaby said...

Yes, the worrying feeling sucks. And it doesn't go away for a while. Hang in there, it will get better.

If you do get another beta, you can just plug it into a calculator and it'll tell you your doubling time... but you're having a U/S soon, which will show you everything, so... hang in there. Love you, girl!

Kristen said...

I hope you can get in to see your little peanut by 6w1d. But at 6w5d, you will see much more. And I hope you get to see the heartbeat to boot. I saw Snowflake's heartbeat at 6w4d and that little flicker was just mesmerizing.

Of all the 2ww's I've had, the waiting for the u/s was the worst. I hope you are able to find some more of those "moments" where you can relish in your current state.

Oh, and I loved the part about how you met C on what seemed to be a pretty crappy day. You just never know what is in store for you. It just might be GOOD.

XOXO,
Kristen

Geohde said...

I have my fingers crossed for that u/s.

Mind you, if you're anything like me, I got about 30 seconds of reassurance from each normal scan.

It wore off as soon as I walked out of the consulting room.....

In and Out of Luck said...

I totally feel like I could have written this post. I'm so right there with those fears that I really have nothing to comment!. Other than: best wishes to you! Good luck. May peace of mind, impossible and elusive as it might seem, be yours somehow!

The Oneliner (Christina) said...

it is terrifying. and it's not that you're being negative, its that you've.been.thru.hell.to.get.here.

you just have so much at stake. lvoe to the fertiles, but they have no idea what this is like.

i wish you a sense of peace. sooner rather than later.

Anns said...

Please don't overthink it. Remember, this is a VERY natural thing and women give birth every day so why should something be wrong with your baby?

Take it easy, drink lots of water and rest up.

Thinking of you.
Anns xo

chicklet said...

I know what you mean about this circle exposing you to too much about what can go wrong, and while I'm not preggo yet, I think about feeling exactly like you do - I worry I'll worry too much and not enjoy enough. But if you're ok with some assvice, I also remind myself that this circle is focused all on loss and infertility - so of course I see a lot of bad things, and I need to take those bad things with a grain of salt cuz there's also a bunch of horrible fertile bitches who do fine never knowing any of this. Hang in there.

mandolyn said...

It's so hard not to go through the mental checklist of pregnancy symptoms every five minutes! Oh, I know how anxious you're feeling and wish that there was an instant cure for it. Just keep taking it one day (one moment,even) at a time- keep holding onto the C's hand!

Matthew M. F. Miller said...

As an anxiety survivor, all I can say is to just keep breathing.

Deeply. Very, very deeply. I hope you can find your center, and that you find exactly what you're looking for in the process.

Anonymous said...

You know, I am new to this blogging business and though I struggle to understand all of the acronyms everyone uses on their pages sometimes we all have in common our infertility struggles. My story is, like so many others, different, but ultimately the same.

I came across your blog and I have enjoyed reading it. Misery really does love company and sometimes it just feels good knowing that there are indeed others out there struggling with similar issues.

I would be remiss if I didn't comment on this last posting. I get the whole being nervous thing, I really do, but lady, you are pregnant and it I get a physical blow in my stomach - my barren stomach I might add - when I read you whine about all that could go wrong. Seriously, there are so many others who would give up so much to be in your shoes - get over it and enjoy it.

A former reader....