CYCLE LA DE DA

This cycle has been a whirlwind, and after my great weekend away (yay!), I had a week from hell.

Tuesday's u/s showed a nice thin lining (thank god... it meant all that heavy bleeding was doing something), and a follicle at 11mm. Good news.

Thursday the leading follie was at 15.5, and there were 1 or 2 trailing around 11. The doctor decided that I should keep up with the 60IU of Puregon, and trigger on Sunday with an IUI on Tuesday (cd14). I was surprised that he didn't want to see me (or my ovaries!) again before the trigger, but when I asked him he seemed confident that the follicle would grow well to 19mm or so. I'm not sure if he is "rushing" it because Wednesday is the last day the clinic is open before it closes for a 3 week holiday. I'm trying to put that though out of my head and have confidence in this doctor.

The main reason for my questioning is that we did the IUI when I got pregnant with Sacha on cd17. But bodies can be different, follicles can grow at different rates, etc, etc. It's so hard to not over think this whole thing!

What does seem to be different this time is that I can really feel my ovaries. They seem heavy and full. I don't remember this from 3+years ago, and don't know if this is a good sign or not.

A few other things are different too. Like how I have had to bring Sacha with me to a couple of appointments. It's just been impossible to leave him with someone. The staff at the clinic is great, and they seem to love all the kids that come in, but I can't help but think about the women and the couples who are there who are still trying so hard. I have such a mixture of thankfulness (is that a word?!) and guilt. I want to let everyone know that this doctor helped us get our precious little boy.

Also, the focus that I find that I have put on this cycle seems different. This time I have Sacha who takes up so much of my time and energy. Most of what I do during the days is focused on him- food, naps, playing... I find I don't have the same brain power to devote to thinking about what's going on and what can be. (Except when I do have time to sit and think: then I over analyse and over think.)

All this is not to say that I want a baby any less now than I did the first time around. But just like I couldn't imagine what life dealing with IF was like before we started TTC, there is no way that I could have anticipated what secondary IF would be like. Of course, this is what I am feeling on the eve where I am triggering for my first cycle. If I have to do more- who knows what I will be feeling then...

On a separate note, we have had a great day spending father's day as a family of 3. My husband I have been remarking to each other all day that it's all thanks to our little guy that we are so lucky to be able to celebrate this day. This day, and every day. Really- thank god. And our doctor.