8dpo

Or maybe it's 9. I can't be sure.

I'm obsessing and somewhat too busy to think about it all at the same time. The wait has been a strange one this go-around.

All I keep thinking about is how much my boobs were freaking killing me during the 2ww with my pregnancy. It was most painful to even put on my bra. I don't remember what day it was the the hurt started. Certainly not this early? Because there is no pain today, let me tell you.

The only difference between the cycle I got pregnant and this one is that I took progesterone last time. The RE didn't offer it this time and when I called the clinic post IUI because I suddenly remembered that I didn't have a prescription, the nurse called me back and said we would do without this time. I don't quite get why- if it was part of the cycle that worked last time- but I can't even go there now. Certainly if this cycle is a bust it will be one of the first things that I bring up for the next one.

And I know that progesterone can mimic early pregnancy signs, so last time I tried really hard to discount them- I didn't want to hope too much.

This time... well I wouldn't say that I feel nothing going on. But I also recognize that it might be all psychosomatic. This is what is going on: I have odd joint pain in my ankles, and increased carpel tunnel tingly-ness in my hand. And sporadic mild cramp-like-something-is-going on-in there feelings. And increased runny nose (which I had last time- my nose ran like a tap the whole first trimester.) And headaches. And I'm tired.

All this can be attributed to other stuff most definitely.

I will probably test on Sunday (which is 12dpo- I think), so that I have the day to lie in bed and mope if need be while my husband is home to support me and take care of Sacha.

I hope. And sit. And wait.

I have thoughts that I can't put into words. Dealing with IF this time around isn't easier per se. Even saying "this time around" doesn't seem right, because I never stopped "dealing" with it. I always knew that we would have to revisit the clinic when we wanted another baby.

Just because I have my Sacha doesn't make me want another baby any less. And people who say "well you already have one, so if this doesn't work out, at least you have him" are missing the mark.

Most of my life I pictured myself with two children. (Except for the 10 month or so following Sacha's birth- at that time I couldn't, beyond my wildest imagination, understand how people ever were able to care for more than one child!) So my dream is my dream, and I still want it.

I don't think that my feelings are unusual. Sacha is my "proze" for the child that I wanted first. I still long for my other little one.

Yesterday we had our IUI. Unlike last time it didn't hurt at all. Mostly I was distracted because Sacha was with us. And he was babbling on about mommy getting her engine fixed. I'm still not sure how he came up with that idea on his own. But he wasn't too far off the mark. Smart little boy.

So now... the two week wait. The time will pass- it always does. I hope and I want. But try not to hope too much or want too much. Lest I jinx it.

CYCLE LA DE DA

This cycle has been a whirlwind, and after my great weekend away (yay!), I had a week from hell.

Tuesday's u/s showed a nice thin lining (thank god... it meant all that heavy bleeding was doing something), and a follicle at 11mm. Good news.

Thursday the leading follie was at 15.5, and there were 1 or 2 trailing around 11. The doctor decided that I should keep up with the 60IU of Puregon, and trigger on Sunday with an IUI on Tuesday (cd14). I was surprised that he didn't want to see me (or my ovaries!) again before the trigger, but when I asked him he seemed confident that the follicle would grow well to 19mm or so. I'm not sure if he is "rushing" it because Wednesday is the last day the clinic is open before it closes for a 3 week holiday. I'm trying to put that though out of my head and have confidence in this doctor.

The main reason for my questioning is that we did the IUI when I got pregnant with Sacha on cd17. But bodies can be different, follicles can grow at different rates, etc, etc. It's so hard to not over think this whole thing!

What does seem to be different this time is that I can really feel my ovaries. They seem heavy and full. I don't remember this from 3+years ago, and don't know if this is a good sign or not.

A few other things are different too. Like how I have had to bring Sacha with me to a couple of appointments. It's just been impossible to leave him with someone. The staff at the clinic is great, and they seem to love all the kids that come in, but I can't help but think about the women and the couples who are there who are still trying so hard. I have such a mixture of thankfulness (is that a word?!) and guilt. I want to let everyone know that this doctor helped us get our precious little boy.

Also, the focus that I find that I have put on this cycle seems different. This time I have Sacha who takes up so much of my time and energy. Most of what I do during the days is focused on him- food, naps, playing... I find I don't have the same brain power to devote to thinking about what's going on and what can be. (Except when I do have time to sit and think: then I over analyse and over think.)

All this is not to say that I want a baby any less now than I did the first time around. But just like I couldn't imagine what life dealing with IF was like before we started TTC, there is no way that I could have anticipated what secondary IF would be like. Of course, this is what I am feeling on the eve where I am triggering for my first cycle. If I have to do more- who knows what I will be feeling then...

On a separate note, we have had a great day spending father's day as a family of 3. My husband I have been remarking to each other all day that it's all thanks to our little guy that we are so lucky to be able to celebrate this day. This day, and every day. Really- thank god. And our doctor.

WEEKEND AWAY

I'm still bleeding like crazy. And it hurts! Ohhh the craaaamps. But, I'll try not to complain because....

I'm off today for the weekend with my girlfriend!

"Weekend" may be taking it a bit far, but we are leaving in an hour and won't be back until Sunday night. So it's one night, but pretty much 2 full days. We are going to have fun!

(If I can stop moaning about my period!)

This is the second time since Sacha came into our lives that I am having complete time off. I can't wait. We are going to drive a couple of hours away and stay up north for the night. We both get to sleep in a bed alone and we won't have babies waking us up at 6 am.

Pure bliss. Yay!

Gotta go pack...

YUCKIES

Today is cycle day three.

Yup- my period came, maybe just in time, maybe a day late. We never know with my ovaries.

The cycle I conceived I had my IUI on cd16. The first day that my clinic is closed for vacation is my cd16. Let's hope we can see some nice stimming to make it a cd15 insemination. Cuz otherwise we will be doing it the old fashioned way. Which didn't work the 2 times we tried it. Oh, and we will likely be out of town staying at a friend's house on cd 16.

I'm trying not to count my chickens before they hatch. But I can't help it.

In totally disgusting news, though I have had bleeding on and off every couple of months since I stopped breastfeeding, I'm pretty certain it never was a "period" per se. Let me tell you- I am bleeding like a mofo. No freaking joke. I am going throough tampons like... well I don't know what. But I'm using a lot of them. And pads. And ugh- just gross.

Given all that, the wanding this morning was pretty grossitating. I will spare you the details (frankly, it's not something that I need to write more about for posterity either). My heavy bleeding corrolates with a thick lining. The Dr would like to have seen thinner, but he's ok with starting the cycle. Given that I am bleeding so heavily he is confident the lining will thin out. Yuck.

So... our protocol is the same as where we left off: 5mg Femara days 3-7; and 60IU Puregon starting cd 6.

I hope, but I'm trying not to invest too much.

In other news my husband and I had a big fight at the end of dinner. Wow, I am so realizing that he learned nothing from last time we did treatments. Add stress of treatments to the stress of running a family with a toddler, and we have explosive situations happening 'round here. I'm not even sure what to do about it all. With out getting into more detail I am just left with a complete feeling of "he sucks" tonight. Not great considering we are embarking on something "together".

Given all this, I am less excited that I should be. Which is just another "ugh" to add to doday's list of yuckies.

ANNOYANCE

Ya... that's what I thought about the Provera- it would take about a week after my last pill for CD1.

I'm annoyed... withthe RE and with myself.

See, the clinic is closing on the 24th of this month for 3 weeks. But when we met with the RE last week he prescribed the Provera telling me there was "plenty of time" to complete the cycle before then.

Umm.. ok... not so much.

Today is Provera day 7, which means CD1 will likely be nex Thursday or Friday. In the past I have had my IUI on CD 16, which would bring us to... June 26.

And so I'm annoyed with myself for a number of reasons. Firstly for not thinking about the lag time between the last pill and CD1. Second for blindly following the RE's instructions. And third because I was hoping and thinking and what-if-ing.

So now I will get my period for nothing. Really. I induced a period for no reason.

And we can't cycle again until September.

Stupid me.

(Ok, maybe-maybe-my period will come on, say, Tuesday. But I'm already kicking myself that I am allowing myself to think that.)

PROVERA

The RE prescribed 7 days of P.rovera. I have take 5 pills.

But I seem to have forgotten- how many days after I finish the pills should my period come? I would google it, but I'm worried I'll get a whole whack of info that I don't want and don't need.

So... your knowledge is my power today.

Please weigh in! (Thanks!)