Friday, May 28, 2010

DEJA VU ALL OVER AGAIN

Walking back into the clinic was so surreal. And exciting. And nauseating. And scary.

It's been two days since our appointment with Dr. Who Got Us Pregnant Last Time*. The appointment was fine. Actually it was quick. And pleasant. We decided we would just start with the same protocol that got us pregnant with Sacha. And that we can start any time. We walked out with our blood test requirements, and a prescription for P.rovera.

My husband had his blood drawn right away, and I went back in the morning because I had to have fasting glucose levels taken.

While I am excited that we could start right away, for some reason I didn't expect that it would be so fast. Hence the excited and scary feelings.

The nauseating feeling: well that I got for having to shell out $1200.00 for the labs. Not that I forgot how much this whole process costs... I just put it in a rarely-used corner of my brain for the last 3 years.

Of course the surreal-ness comes from the fact that this rarely-used corner of my brain became active so very instantly. It was like: HELLOINFERTILITYANDYOUR TREATMENTSANDALLTHESTRESSANDUNCERTAINTYTHATYOUBRING.

Look. I never forgot what it felt like last time. But now I truly have to admit how much the feelings faded once I held Sacha in my arms.

And now, only 2 days later I am faced with all the emotions flooding back in full force.

Here's a sample of whats going on inside my head:

Issue 1: Should we jump right into a cycle? Or should we wait? If we don't cycle immediately then we won't have the chance again until September. The clinic is closing for 3 weeks from the end of Jun until mid July, and we can squeeze a cycle in right under the wire. We would have to wait until September otherwise because of vacation plans, and because the due dates of July or August-conceived babies would be undesirable due to my husband's work schedule. Which leads directly to issues 2 and 3...

Issue 2: Already the planning of vacations around treatment and looking at EDD is driving me batty. I mean, people! We haven't even started! And I have spent too much time looking at the pregnancy calculator. I need to be banned from those websites. And also! The fact that I thought: well... if we don't go to Europe (to visit my husband's parents) in August it would be a great time to cycle.

Issue 3: The gall I have to think that I can actually "plan" this pregnancy. I mean, who do I think I am?! A fertile chick? I should be shot for thinking this way. It's only going to lead to more stress and heartbreak, I'm sure.

Issue 4: My period. Since I stopped breastfeeding last August, my period has been wonky at best. I guess the fact that I have even had something that I could call a period is remarkable, but their frequency and length have been crazy. To sum up, I have had my period about 3 or 4 times since last summer, but all of them have lasted about 2 weeks and are on and off. Not a major problem, But... this is kind of what is going on with me right now. Problem: I have to start my P.rovera tonight (if I want to get this cycle in before the clinic closes for the holiday). However: I may actually be starting a period (after days of on and off spotting), which means I don't need to take the P.rovera. The catch: if I wait to see if I am starting my period, I will miss the window to take the P.rovera.

Oy. OY.

It's all this thinking and planning and thinking... It takes so much energy. And it's so circular in nature.

I feel like I'm already up to my eyeballs in this necessary evil.



*Dr. Who Got Us Pregnant Last Time took over our clinic right before we did our cycle where we conceived Sacha. We didn't work with him much, so I never named him (I think). I'm sure a name will come to the fore quickly once we have a couple of appointments.

If you want to know why my clinic brought on a new medical director, you can read about it here.
If you are joining me as a new reader, or want a refresher, you can read about my PCOS here and here.

7 comments:

carrie said...

Just sending (((hugs))) and letting you know that I'm still reading and am along for the ride.

robin said...

Oof. That's a brain-full.

Here's to deep breaths and moments of faith: may they carry you through these decisions.

Lut C. said...

Don't think too much about how you should or shouldn't feel. All you can really do is roll with it.

My Reality said...

I hope the journey for #2 doesn't last long.

MrsSpock said...

Ah, the joys- or lack thereof- of being back on the horse. Hope the old protocol does the trick again quickly!

Gil said...

Wouldn't it be nice to "plan" a pregnancy? Yeah, I'm sorta in the same boat; wishing I could plan it but just happy to take whatever the heck I can get! Here's hoping that Sacha's sibling isn't long before making some sort of appearance! Thinking of you and keeping fingers crossed!

Nearlydawn said...

It's so hard to start over... I wish you strength.

But, I'll get in line to kick your butt if you waste time planning on calendars instead of trying for baby!! :) Non-IF people don't "plan", they just do it. So, just do. :)