Wednesday, October 10, 2007

THE PASSING OF TIME

I am having a bit of trouble dealing with the concept of time these days. I'm not quite sure if it's passing too slow or too fast.

It struck me yesterday: Thanksgiving Day. It was October and I found myself wearing a jacket, scarf and socks. But how could it be October? It was just July yesterday! To the infertile the passing of months and seasons is always significant. We look back: last October I was just meeting my RE. We look forward: next Thanksgiving please let me have a real live baby in my arms.

It seems almost unreal that it has been a year since meeting our RE. Our conception struggles extend further back than last year, but our first appointment at the clinic made it all very real. From the point of starting treatment at the clinic our life became broken down down into smaller increments. Time wasn't measured in hours and days and months, but in cycles and injections and ultrasounds. And, of course, in two-week-waits. (Though this term includes the word "weeks" and is indeed a period of 14 days, the two week wait is very much its own special calculation of time.)

And so life passed in time I measured between appointments with the wand, by counting bruises on my belly, and with the arrival of my period. Yes, it could have been the 7th day of Chanukah, but to me it was the day my period arrived after my first injectible cycle. And it may have been Valentine's Day, but more importantly it was CD 16, the day I was to trigger.

And then one day (not a Tuesday, but a 12do) I peed on a stick and the second line appeared. And so began a time that is passing quite unlike any I have ever known.

My anxiety and neuroses punctuated the first 9 or so weeks of pregnancy. Time was still measured in ultrasound increments, which were done weekly. Thankfully time also signified growth of the fetus. But seeing the growth only kept me happy for a day or so, and then it was back on the roller coaster of terror until the next appointment.

Somewhere around week 12 I finally started chill. The days that were previously lasting like eons seemed more like, well, days. I went on vacation and the baby was still alive. I had my NT scan and everything looked good. Each day without spotting seemed like a monumental occasion. I heard the baby's heartbeat at my 13 week OB appointment. Sure as time was telling, all seemed to be fine.

A couple of weeks ago I felt another interesting change. Could it be that time was moving way too fast? It occurred to me that throughout my first trimester I was wishing this to be a speedy pregnancy because I wanted to be rid of all the fear and worry. At that moment I realized two important things. One, that this might be my only shot at pregnancy, so I should really savour each moment (even as unsavoury as some moments are!) And two, that my life is going to change in such a drastic way in 6 (short) months so I should really take time to enjoy them.

I'd say that for a week I was pretty hunky dory (how awful an expression is that??!). The infertile in me would never let me become smug pregnant woman, but a certain excitement overcame me. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I was announcing my pregnancy from the rooftops or anything. But I was feeling quietly at ease.

Enter week 16. I realize that although I am measuring my time in weeks, the time increment that matters most now is time between OB appointments. Today I am 3 weeks and 3 days past my last one, and one week and 4 days until the next. Here-in lies the problem: time is being a bitch. As much as I want to enjoy, I need my appointment now.

As well as I thought I was doing, I realized that this has been the longest period of time I have gone without hearing a sign of life from my baby. I am ashamed to say it, but the old paranoia is settling back in. I know deep down that I very well may be crazy. But that doesn't stop my head from spinning with dead baby thoughts.

You see, it seems to me that nothing much is happening. I know that I am well into my second trimester, and all is supposed to be great, but I fear that it's not. Being sick the past couple of weeks has drained me of my energy. Time pretty much is standing still. All the things I am supposed to be experiencing now: nada. No cute baby bump, no clothes that don't fit, no flutter of movement, and certainly no energy spurt. All this adds up to only one thing in my mind... And, really, what if it's that? I mean, what if...

Oy, if you have made it this far, I give you much credit. Ramble, ramble, complain, complain. These thoughts have been swirling in my head for days and they just needed to get out. I’ll keep you posted on whether or not this has been cathartic.

In the meantime, I reward you with some Canadian Thanksgiving photos. Proof that even if time is standing still for me right now, the world keeps turning.




17 comments:

Somewhat Ordinary said...

It is so true that time passes so quickly. When I was TTC it seemed to pass at a snails pace and now it is zipping by (although I do find myself wishing March would just get here). You are right though we need to sit back and enjoy it instead of wishing it away in case this is our only chance.

decemberbaby said...

The beginning of the second tri is a bitch that way - you can almost forget that you're pregnant. That's the point at which I rented a doppler so I could hear the baby's heartbeat anytime I wanted to. I think it saved my sanity.

JewishMama said...

Why don't you get a doppler? Or they do sell "listen to your babies heartbeat" things on Amazon cheaply. I have a feeling that you'll need to be almost ready to deliver for them to work though.

sky girl said...

You may want to rent yourself a doppler. There's a woman in Gatineau who will mail it to you if you're interested. I found just having it to hand really gave me peace of mind.

Oh, and now I see that decemberbaby suggested the same thing. :) let me know if you want the info

Samantha said...

I was just complaining myself about how time passes too fast and too slow. May you be at peace until your next appointment.

Geohde said...

I hope that all is deliciously well in utero at your next ob appointment, I had a doppler which helped me to chill in between visits.

J

Lut C. said...

That stretch of time until you start feeling movement is rather hard.
Then when you do feel movement, some days are too quiet for your liking and you can worry about that. :-)

You're right to try to enjoy it for the most part, even though you can't all the time. Hang in there!

My Reality said...

Enjoy it as best as you can, because before you know it, your baby will be here.

I am glad you are doing ok, I think of you often!

TeamWinks said...

Where does the time go? I swear to you I have no clue where the past four months have gone. No seriously! Glad to hear you've settled into the pregnancy.

Tracey said...

Hi, thank you for stopping by. Good luck with everything. I'm going to keep stopping by to see how you are doing.

sharah said...

Time really is a subjective thing. I hope you are able to savor the moments that are sweet, while the unpleasant ones fly by.

And I am very jealous of your winter clothes! It's still way too hot here.

Anonymous said...

Have you thought of getting a doppler machine? I know they can be very reassuring.

Watson said...

It is such a tricky time to manage, I felt (and still feel) the same way, where at times I'm just gripped by fear. I'm not sure it will end until the babies are born, and then of course I'll have a million other things to worry about/obsess over!

There were moments I just had to trust that everything was okay, those long stretches between appointments, but it was hard.

Hang in there! I'm glad everything is okay :-)

sariel & shlomit said...

thinking of you always, my friend
peace
shlomit

Heather said...

I rented a fetal doppler. I lived for that thing and listened to my son almost every day for awhile. That is how I made it from appointment to appointment and it also kept me from being too worried.

As for the movement, I was almost 20 weeks before I felt anything so don't be too concerned.

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