Wednesday, February 18, 2009

AGAIN ABOUT THE SLEEP

People. It's 1:21 am. I'm not lying about what I am about to write.

I have been up with Sacha for the past 2 hours. The last half hour the both of us have spent crying.

The previous hour and a half saw me holding my baby as he slept, and him waking and screaming the moment I put him down. The first holding and sleeping lasted an hour. He was out cold. And then he woke when he hit the mattress. Two more attempts and I lost it.

I sat in the rocking chair holding my baby on the verge of hysterics asking my almost 11 month old why he won't sleep. Of course he can't answer me.

And of course my husband finally got out of bed to help me.

I tried getting into bed, but I just lay there and cried. I couldn't sleep, so I figured I would use my time wisely and bang out something here.

Sacha seems to have stopped crying too. But I can hear my husband walking around with him. Who knows what will happen when he tries to put the baby back in his crib. Who knows. And who knows how many more times we will have to do this tonight.

I know this: Sacha has us wrapped around his finger. And our getting up to him every couple of hours and then subsequently holding him for hours on end is just reinforcing his waking. Compounded by the fact that I am now nursing him so much in middle of the night, I feel that we have embarked upon a never ending cycle.

I am at my wit's end. I am exhausted. I am sad. I dread getting into bed.

Worse yet is that it is wreaking havoc on my relationship with my husband.

You see. He thinks he's more entitled to sleep because he works all day. Just writing that makes me quake in anger. I think there might be steam coming out of my ears.

Just to remind you: for the past 5 years I have run a home-based business. Yes, things are slower now (I can choose how much work I take on; plus the economy is not doing me any favours), but the truth of the matter is that I never stopped working once Sacha was born. Essentially I never had a full maternity leave.

Oh ya. I also have this job called being a mother.

I love my husband dearly. But he just isn't getting it these days. And I don't know how to make him get it. He thinks that I should be able to nap twice a day like Sacha does. I guess he forgets that I need some time to work, clean up the house, prepare dinner, go grocery shopping, etc...

I can't go on like this.

I know something has to be done. About Sacha's sleep and about my relationship.

I don't want to start hating my husband over this. And more scary is that I don't want to start resenting my baby.

I really don't know what to do to break the cycle of crazy sleep that I know we created ourselves. (Well yes. I do know. And I know it will have to involve some level of crying it out. And it pained me to just write that.)

And I don't know what to do to end this competition that my husband and I seem to be having without end. The one where we are at each other about who works more/works harder/sleeps less/etc...

Please help. I thought having my baby would cure my tearful nights.

-------

A few notes:

1- I previously wrote about Sacha's nighttime routine here. It doesn't make sense to write it all out again. It has changed somewhat because the entire situation has escalated.

2-While I know some of you may have this suggestion on the tips of your tongues (you know, the one where I let my husband care for the baby alone for a day or 2), it still is not an option as Sacha is still breastfed, and he refuses to take a cup or a bottle. Indeed another post for another time. Yes, I need more help. But this is more pressing.

3- Ok. I am not that naive to think that having a baby would cure any problems. But sometimes I can't help thinking that yes, while I pretty much have everything that I have ever wanted, I have next to never felt so shitty.

32 comments:

Fertilized said...

I wish i had some advice or suggestion for you. I am just so sorry. I do understand the frustration on the marriage though. You are in my thoughts. Do you want me to mention this on Mel's Lost and Found?

Kate said...

It's so hard to deal with these things, much less deal with them while you are sleep deprived. Luke has gone down with no fuss for months and then this week, he started crying at night when I put him down. The advice that people gave to me over and over is not to pick the baby back up. If he is fed, changed and comfortable, comfort him in the crib. I took the advice, even though it SUCKS, and some nights went better than others. In the end it has worked out. I am so sorry, though. It really does strain the relationship to have this sort of stress.

serenity said...

Ok. I'm gonna give assvice, so brace yourself. :)

Getting Sasha to sleep on his own doesn't HAVE to involve CIO. CIO works, it's quick, but there are NON-CIO ways to get your baby to sleep. It might take longer, but the good news isn't all CIO or nothing.

So. Go out to the library and get a couple of books. Try "The Baby Whisperer." Try "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child." Shit, READ about CIO if you need to. But read up on it and see if you can get some tips. (Personally, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child worked - is working- for us. Just a plug here!)

And with the nursing thing? Maybe it's a topic for another post. But most likely allowing him to eat so much at night is reinforcing the night waking. It's now his SCHEDULE, you know? There ARE gentle ways of getting him to eat less at night. Like feed him more than you ever think he'd be able to eat at dinner. Cluster feed him just before bedtime - nurse, then dinner, then nurse again just before bedtime. Get him all filled up so when he does sleep he doesn't wake up because his tummy's empty.

As for your relationship with your husband? Oh goodness, hon. You DO need a break! So what if you put him in charge of bedtime? That is, once you've nursed Sasha, it's HIS turn to put him to sleep? Put it as "bonding time for Dad and baby." And go directly to bed yourself so you can catch up on your sleep a bit.

*hug* Sleep deprivation makes everything horrible and hideous, and you've been working at it for 11 months now. Sucks. I really REALLY hope you get a break soon.

Thinking of you. And email me at serenitynowinfertile at gmail dot com if you want to chat, or vent, or cry.

*hug*

robin said...

Oh sweetie. I know exactly where you're at -- maybe because our little guys were born on the same day, they have similar feisty spirits?

Auden has always been a spotty sleeper, and still breastfeeds at night even though I know he doesn't need it. We still rock him to sleep, and there are still times when he wakes up the very second we put him down. We have tried crying it out, and it just doesn't work... he gets hysterical and then we're all up longer than is conducive to sanity.

I have had several crying-desperately-pleading-for-answers-from-a-baby-at-1am moments, and then I feel like a jerk because obviously he's not doing it to me on purpose but dear GOD can't I catch a break?

Some folks may disagree with me, but I don't think babies are manipulative. They have their preferences and their personalities, and no way to communicate other than crying, so how can we know whether it's teething or an earache or an empty tummy or an existential dilemma? I find that the more I focus on how my baby SHOULD be (for "be" read, sleep), the less clearly I can see who he is and what he needs. Don't throw anything at me for saying this: things got easier for me when I stopped fighting it and just accepted I'd be getting up & feeding Auden at least once a night.

That said: you still need sleep. And the dynamic between you & hubby is hard because the very thing that would help you be more compassionate and patient toward him is exactly what you can't get enough of. This strikes me as an evolutionary glitch.

I don't know if it'd be possible for you, but what we do is trade off morning duty. I'll get up with the babe some mornings, and then other mornings my husband will get up with him so I can catch another hour of sleep. It's amazing what 60 more minutes will do for my disposition. And let me hammer this home: you just need sleep. You're not a bad person, you're not a bad wife or mother and this will not define you forever. You just need some sleep. (I think I'm talking to myself as much as to you, here)

My husband and I had the same arguments about work -- both of us harboring resentments toward the other, as in: "Doesn't he/she see how hard I work?"

Well, we're both busting our asses. We both need sleep. It's not about who deserves it more (but oooh how I hate that logic). Don't throw anything at me again: you have to compromise. Sadly, you can't make your husband "get it" -- ahh, would that it weren't so! But when I start getting ornery about what I want my husband to "get," it's always because I need a break. You have to talk about this, work it into your schedules. Can you plan ahead for a weekend away? Even one night? It will do WONDERS for you. I just had one a month ago and couldn't believe I'd waited so long.

Can you guys get a babysitter and have a night out together? This can also do wonders.

Sorry for the novella... I just want to emphasize that you're not alone -- not by a looong stretch -- and that your needs are valid. Please feel free to email me:

robinsleftwing (at) yahoo (dot) com

I'm thinking of you and sending you warm virtual hugs. I hope you get a little piece of peace today.

Erin said...

Oh, I get it. HOW I get it. While my kids aren't babies anymore, J thinks that he gets to sleep in on weekends during the summer because he worked all week and I was "just home with the kids." Even though we got up and went to bed at the same time all week. Even though...ARGH! (OK, Erin, breathe...it's not about you now.)

Keeping the husband-wife relationship strong is one of the hardest things to do when you have kids, and yet so important. And it's 10x harder to find time to do it when you're home with a child.

I know he's breastfed, but it might be the time to start gently night-weaning him. (To me, crying it out is when the baby is left alone to cry, even if you go back in to reassure him. It doesn't have to be like that.) It was always so easy to get P back to sleep if I nursed him, but it also compounded the cycle of "wake-nurse-sleep-wake-nurse-sleep". After a while, I started going in and rocking him without offering to nurse him. He wasn't happy about it, but he would eventually take a pacifier and scowl at me around it rather than screaming the whole time. And it reinforced in me that he was nursing for comfort rather than hunger. While nursing for comfort is fine when both the baby and mama are OK with it, there are other things you can try if it's wreaking havoc on your sanity.

We didn't like P having a pacifier as a young baby, but he started liking to have it to self-soothe around 9/10/11 months old (the memories of that time are vague...probably from sleep deprivation, ha ha). Our rule was that he could only have his paci in bed for naps and night--no crawling around the house with it. And he gave it up of his own volition when he was a little past 2 years old.

What a useless piece of assvice, but it's all I've got. I hope something works, because sleep deprivation messes with your entire life.

TeamWinks said...

I'm sorry things are tough right now. It's not easy to feel like your getting to the end of your rope. I hope you find a solution that works for you and your family. We did the crying it out thing, as we had similar issues with our own son. It made a huge difference in our home and all of our relationships. It was also one of the hardest things I've done, but worth it!

JuliaS said...

Here from LFCA (sometimes the comments section works also! :0)

Sorry you are having a tough time. I know the sleepless nights and I know the toll it can take.


How does Sacha sleep during the day? Does he take good naps, or is fussy during the day also? Babies like routine, consistancy and feeling safe. Once you've eliminated other factors (like teething, congestion that makes lying flat difficult), wet diaper, etc. and you are consistantly doing the shush and sway all night - it could be a routine thing. Routine is just another word for habit. Without knowing what kind of bedtime routine you do have, I don't want to just assume. One thing that helped a lot for us - a heating pad on low to keep the crib mattress warm (no shock of going from warm arms to cold crib - be sure to unplug and remove before laying him down.) Swaddling. (unless he is the type who hates that) and a transitional object - a lovey that smells like you. I literally stuffed a little lovey blanky down my bra and wore it to get my scent on it. Put baby down with the lovey and they smell you and that comforts them. Good wishes! When you're sleep deprived and stress it isn't easy!

Good wishes with the dh thing. I never was able to work that one out. Short of telling dh that if I went in there, the baby was going to want me - to eat and he needed to not eat or he was just going to keep waking up all night long. I was very apologetic of course, but there was some validity to it. The baby really was old enough to sleep through the night without eating.

Even one night with a couple uninterupted hours will feel like heaven the next day. Perhaps talking out a deal and breaking the night up into shifts and each of you takes one can help some.

Again, good wishes. I hope things improve for you soon.

Krista said...

Hugs! Caden still wakes a couple of times a night too, and needs us to get him back to sleep. I have tried CIO, it doesn't work for us. And I have the same issue with my husband, except that I don't work except to take care of Caden, but dude... that's exhausting work.

Amy said...

Oh, I feel for you. I think I'm too sleep deprived myself to write a very coherent comment, but one of my 11 month old twin boys is an awful sleeper. I've begged and pleaded with him to sleep and asked him, more times than I want to count, why he won't just go to sleep when he's obviously so completely exhausted. Sleep deprivation is horrible. Just so horrible - and it makes it so much harder to figure out a solution or have a good conversation with your husband because you're just so tired.

I don't have much good advice, though I do think night weaning would help (we bottle feed, so I can't help with the breastfeeding). We also use pacifiers - they got hooked in the NICU - but mainly limit then to naps/bedtime. So maybe you could try that. Taking turns getting up in the morning is another good idea - you need sleep just as much as your husband. If not during the week, at least see if you can have him get up on the weekends. Sorry this is so hard right now ...

sky girl said...

I so get it! And from the length of some of these comments, I'm not the only one. :)

First, might I suggest taking turns at night? One night is your night, the next is his. Invest in a pair of earplugs. He can bring the baby to you to breastfeed.

Second, limit the nursing. He's 11 months now and doesn't need to nurse much through the night. Let him nurse once and for about a week or so get your hubs to go in and offer a sippy of water at all the other times. Hopefully, soon the little guy will realize that a sippy of water is not worth waking up for.

Nothing has worked for us at bedtime and waking times. CIO works only because she falls asleep because she's tired of crying but it doesn't cure the next night or the next. It's not worked at all for us even though we really have no choice but to let her work it out most evenings. Luckily the wakings are only once a night if that.

He WILL grow out of it!!! Just as Chicka will grow out of the silliness at bed and nap time. That's what we have to keep telling ourselves.

xo

Alex said...

Hi. Also here from LFCA, and just wanted to say I'm so sorry about where you're "at." It sounds phenomenally frustrating, and of course that much worse (*100) to be dealing with it when you are so sleep-deprived.

I'm really no help on the sleep stuff, but I do have a quick suggestion on the DH stuff. You write, "I guess he forgets that I need some time to work, clean up the house, prepare dinner, go grocery shopping..." I was dealing with sort of similar (though to be honest not nearly as bad) stupidity from my DH. I just ... quit. I mean, I quit doing the stuff he expected me to do and that needed to get done around the house.

My issue wasn't actually sleep, it was getting out of the house for exercise on weekends, which, somehow, I was only getting to do after I had gotten DS up, changed, and dressed, cooked everyone in the house breakfast, brought DH his breakfast in bed, waited for DH to get up and shower, and then dashed out provided I could be back in time for DH to get to his exercise (which unlike mine is a group activity so operates on a "schedule."). Understand ... it wasn't that either of us had come up with this plan and honestly I don't mind the whole breakfast-in-bed thing as long as it doesn't interfere with other stuff I prefer to be doing, but long story short(er), one morning I just got up, got dressed, told DH (still in bed) that I was leaving, he was in charge, coffee was brewed and otherwise he was on his own with DS.

Funnily enough, this led to his arranging with his sporting buddies for them to start their activities later in the day, making everything less rushed and me less likely to dash out like that -- but sometimes I still do, because I've realized sometimes I don't feel like dealing. And that's OK.

So personally if I were in your shoes I might try quitting housecleaning, cooking, and shopping, though I'd probably continue working and perhaps doing at least basic laundry. Now, my DH would notice if I quit housecleaning (actually I don't do much, so that's sort of misleading, but the point is he does care if the house is clean -- and does a lot of the cleaning himself, actually) -- if yours won't care and you do, then this may not work and may not be worth it. But even just letting the house run out of groceries and having to eat (delivered) pizza or cold cereal with no milk for a few days might get his attention ... FWIW.

Good luck to you.

Aurelia said...

Everyone fights with their husband about this, so you aren't alone! And beyond getting someone he respects to make it fucking crystal clear and yell it at him, I have no idea.

As for the baby? Molars are hell and he is the right age. I assume no earache? Teeth or ears take baby tylenol or advil, no question. If he has neither of those, and the Doctor agrees he isn't sick, then your husband has to go in for night feedings and just rock him, and then he won't bother to wake for food.

But if he won't do that, then I agree about racking up the evening feedings and stuff him before bed. Then try to stretch out the feedings a bit, or give him a little less breastmilk at each feed. (Take him off the breast halfway through and rock him a lot, then put him down)

I'd also think about doing some extra bedding and/or swaddling. Maybe heat the room some more? Maybe the crib is cold? Maybe if you rock him while he is wrapped in a blanket, then put him down with the blanket, he won't feel the cold of the crib so much?

Oy, not sure what will help, but I really really really hope life gets better.

Heather said...

I'm so sorry. Wish there was a magic solution. I hope things sort out soon. A sit down with your husband sounds in order. Talking about it before you blow up at him.

My Reality said...

I have no advice about sleep. But I will wish you a bunch of restful nights for yourself.

Cathy said...

Here from L&F.

I don't think I have much to add that other people haven't already said.

We had a major sleep regression at 9 months, brought on by a surgery. At that point we had still been rocking them both to sleep (twins), and it had been working. But then all of a sudden it just didn't, and we bit the bullet, fed them, rocked them for 5 minutes, put them down and walked out. Somehow falling asleep without all of our fuss (rocking, shushing, patting, etc) really helped reduce the night walking/lack of soothing when they did wake. I think they just lost the expectation that we WOULD be there to jump through all the hoops of soothing.

It took about a week, and some nights are still bad, but we were SO fed up and it was hurting all of us, so we did CIO. It wasn't fun, I didn't think I'd ever wind up doing it, but we did and I'm glad we did. And now there's no more fighting about who got up to soothe the baby more.

I hope something works soon. Sleep - so necessary!

Tash said...

Here from L&F, and MAN, do I hear you. My child is now 4.5, but she never slept. And when I say that, I mean, she never even napped. Ever. I was going insane. I read every book, I tried every variable (black out blinds? swaddling? shushing? walking? driving her around? the ol' sit in the chair and move the chair closer to the door every night? weaning?) and nothing, nothing worked. We resisted CIO with every fiber of our being, but after conferring with our doctor, he said sometimes you just need to teach babies to put themselves back to sleep (which is what's going on here -- baby is waking at times during sleep cycle, which is normal (we do it) but then can't put him/herself back to sleep without mom or dad or the breast).

I just wanted to relay our story -- not saying this is what you should do if you're not comfortable, but just so you get a sense of a good scenario here. I would suggest reading the book so you understand what's going on, and obviously know that it's not for every kid and you shouldn't take them to the point of throwing up or whatever, but it honestly does work. We did it two nights, and that was that. They weren't even bad (not remotely as bad as some nights where we were actually present). I think there was some grumbling night one when we didn't show up immediately, but that was that. She's slept through the night ever since.

We were a hard case because she wasn't napping either, and clearly she needed some sleep. She was obviously getting enough to eat, developmentally she was ahead of schedule, but no one was getting any sleep.

There's a reason they use sleep deprivation as a torture device. It really, truly sucks.

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

Here from LFCA...

As someone who is also struggling with a constant night-waker, I can't really offer advice that will keep Sasha asleep, but I will say that when we were having trouble just getting our daughter to bed we tried the following:

1. We Ferberized (basically, modified CIO where we would go in and soothe every 5 then 10 then 15 minutes.

2. I stopped responding to my daughter and instead my husband responds for the first 6-7 hours.

I'm still nursing and I found that if I responded she was less likely to go down and was more likely to scream unless and until I fed her. If he responds she will generally fall asleep right then or soon after. He hasn't had to go in more than 5 times and we've been doing this for over a month. Now she goes down without crying, but she wakes up about 4 times a night.

For the first two wakings my husband takes her and then I take and nurse her for the last two. I put her right down after and while she might fuss for a few minutes she usually falls back to sleep.

This is a HUGE improvement from our previous 6 months of existing. I don't know if any of this is helpful, but I just want to share and to let you know that you are NOT ALONE. I know its hard. Husbands don't really get that, unfortunately. But I'll be thinking of you and hoping that you find a solution that works for all of you. *HUG*

Karen said...

We're going through the same thing here, but not to the degree you're describing. Yesterday I finally told my husband "if you don't want me pissed at you then here is a new rule...if you hear Evie crying for more than a minute you should come find us and ask me how you can help me out." He's an engineer, so I guess he needed a clear-cut rule like that. I hope it works for us, and maybe it would work for your husband?

I've been reading "The No Cry Sleep Solution" and it is helping me with my 5-month-old who sleeps like a newborn right now. The last couple of nights we've put her to bed at night in her swing because the swing helps soothe her back to sleep when she wakes between each 40 minute sleep cycle, so now we're only getting up and feeding her once during the night instead of 2-3 times like last week. I know your 11-month-old is too big to put in a swing probably, but I hope these comments you're getting and/or a book can help you figure out a way to get your son to sleep so that you can sleep, too.

I notice you say you're trying to rock your son to sleep and so I want to throw out there that you might need to totally throw out everything you thought you knew about how to get him to sleep and accept that he's moved on to a new stage where he doesn't want to be rocked. I say this because my daughter recently decided this exact thing. Now when I try to cradle and rock her to sleep, which she used to love and NEED in order to go to sleep, she screams and will only go to sleep in her crib with a mobile playing or in her swing with music playing.

I guess my point is to try to be flexible and not make assumptions about what will work for your son based on what's worked in the past. Evie was a fabulous sleeper months 2-4 and slept all night in her crib, so when she turned into a crappy sleeper I got stubborn about it (was in denial) and kept doing the same bedtime routine as we did when she was a good sleeper, believing that she'd "get over it." I felt like a bad mom for the fact that she had regressed and I felt as though making big changes to her sleeping arrangements would be admitting defeat and submitting never having her sleep all night in her crib again. But it was sleep deprivation that was making me stubborn and cranky and once I gave in and started getting more sleep I was able to get some perspective on the situation and, as Moxie says, realize that Evie won't still be sleeping in a swing when she's in preschool!

I really feel for you and I hope Sacha gets out of this stage soon. Good luck.

Searching for Serenity said...

Ok, so I'm not a mother, yet. And I haven't read any of the other comments. But hopefully I can offer a few tidbits that have worked for me.

A few things that come to mind are making sure that you get enough personal time to get a break. I suggest yoga, meditation and even acupuncture if at all possible.

Good luck!

Elizabeth said...

Dude - I feel you. We are just emerging from a similar sleep hell, although we were co-sleeping to begin with (not anymore). I chronicled our whole sleep training thing on my public blog. We used the "Baby whisperer" approach which helped for night sleeping but doesn't seem to work for naps. We don't follow it 100%, but night weaning made all the difference for us - HOWEVER - this meant that my husband took over night soothing. I put V. to bed, but then he takes over. After she wakes up around 6:45, I'm on duty again while DH sleeps another hour+ before he has to get up.

I write more about the general despair of sleep deprivation on my IF blog (www.projectprogeny.wordpress.com) just so you know you're not alone - I literally was banging my head on walls and biting my wrist until it bruised because I was so stressed out about the whole thing.

It's so, so, so hard. The best assvice I got was from my therapist, who said: "You have to find your rhythm, and her rhythm." I found it helpful to think in terms of tuning myself in to what's going on with her.

areyoukiddingme said...

I don't remember having much trouble with my daughter sleeping through the night. She was up some nights, but at around 9 months, she was able to turn on her crib soother by herself. So, she could watch the light show and hear some music and would go back to sleep after that (most of the time). If she was teething or had a stuffy nose or an earache, there was no chance of getting her to sleep without some tylenol.

Good luck with your husband. That's a difficult situation, because in his view, you have a flexible day, where his has a rigid schedule. But, you know what? Preparing dinner is optional. Sure, you have to eat, but there's no reason to make a big fuss about dinner if you're too tired to have a civil conversation. Cleaning the house? Somewhat optional. Prioritize the things you have to do and discard the things that you think you should do. If you have to work, then you work. But drop something else off your schedule, so you're not overtaxing yourself.

And, this will eventually pass. Someday you will sleep again.

Martha said...

Here from LFCA. The book "Helping Your Child Sleep Through the Night" by Cuthbertson and Schevill is on the nightstand of every pediatric nurse/MD w/kids. (I'm a peds RN). Good luck and hubby needs to get up and give you a break.

megan said...

oh Mrs. C. I feel your pain. i'm here reading through the comments to see if i can get any help myself! our 9-month old is waking up for party time every night, and is up for 2-3 hours.
i hope you find some solutions!

Cibele said...

I feel your pain, our babies are the same age and I have teh same problem. I am going crazy witth the lack os sleep. HUGS

Seraphim said...

As someone who is OBSESSED with babies sleeping habits (or lack thereof in some cases) I just wanted you to know I understand where you are coming from. Totally. I understand the husband thing, the feeling like you are losing your mind and the the fear that even though you love your baby with EVERY fibre of your being, you might just lose it.
The thing is, we are in charge of the baby, and amidst the sleep deprivation we forget that. Babies need to be taught (gently and lovingly) to put themselves to sleep and to self settle.
Please, please email me if you want specific advice on how to do this. I'd love to help.
pizzarack@optusnet.com.au
xxxxxx

bleu said...

The things I will recommend are what I chose and what worked for me.

My son woke up crying all the time , babies cry for a reason, not because of manipulation, not because they are "just doing it". My son had silent reflux, which meant he had GERD but never spit up, not once, he would swallow it back down thus burning his throat twice. It took months to diagnose and his crying was from pain, from discomfort. Babies cry when their needs are not met, as parents we try and move heaven and earth to meet them but it is not always easy to do.

I chose to co-sleep because it works for us, it may not for you. My son needed to feel me near to sleep ok. He spent 9 months inside me hearing my heartbeat and breathing constantly and once he was out of me it was scary and lonely and when I slept with even a hand on his arm or chest he would visibly soften and relax.

Your husband needs to have the baby all on his own a few days to realize just how much harder what you do is that him, it is far greater work to tend a baby.

I liked the No Cry Sleep Solution as well.

Good luck.

MrsSpock said...

My son (9 months) has been doing this the past few months as well. We stopped the night feed a couple months ago. I have started refusing to pick him up, just laying him back down and rubbing his back. He has started to be able to be soothed by this, and now it's just the beginning of the night that he is getting up most days of the week.

I stayed at home with him until Dec 1st, and my husband and I had the same issues. It really pissed me off, because I felt like I worked 24/7 and he only worked 40 hrs a week. I made him watch our son an entire weekend- and that helped him see that an entire day with a baby is exhausting work. After that, he started sharing night duty equally. I wish there was a better way, but unless they live it themselves, they will never understand.

And now that I am working FT again myself, I can understand his need to have some unwinding time at home. However, both partner's need for unwinding baby-free time is equally important.

Kari said...

I don't have the "answers" for you, but I can tell you what worked for us. Each baby is different and there is no one answer.

At around 10 months Sami was still waking in the middle of the night to nurse. As much as I didn't want to, I started to supplement her during the day with formula because she didn't want to nurse during the day and then wanted to nurse all night. Eventually, she was on all formula during the day and one or two nursing sessions a night, then eventually we gave up the nursing. She would still wake up at night for a few weeks, but didn't want to nurse, and then she got it, and stopped getting up. It was pure bliss. Then of couse the molars came and the sleepfilled nights ended again.

That's what worked for us, but the weening was really led by her. It broke my heart, but in the long run it was best for both of us.

As far as the husband goes...they never get it! My hubby is the same way, he just doesn't get it! And of course when he is home, it's "his" time off and he can come and go and do whatever he wants. On the rare occation that I do run to the store or something and leave her with him, when I come home, she's either playing in the dogs water bowl, or he's like " I have to go do this this and that, what took you so long?"
And I'm like what's the matter you expect me to do it all day everyday and you couldn't handle an hour!

The only thing that works for us is to either agree to not play the my job is harder game...it's off limits. Or acknowledge the challenges of each other's days and work to help each other.

Mig said...

I'm so sorry to hear that Sasha is giving you such a hard time. There is nothing worse then sleep deprevation (I'm lucky to get 4 hours but thats to be expected with a 10 week old baby).

Fingers crossed that he settles back into his old routine soon.

hugs.

Fertilized said...

*thanks for the advice. i looked for your email but I don't think you have it linked. I originally was told by my dad and E that the crib was as low as it goes (at that setting in the video). I have since then after hte video realized they were wrong and already have it lowered. (just wanted you to know) thanks for the advice

Thalia said...

sorry it's taken me so long to comment, I've had the window open for a while but didn't really know what to say. It uttery sucks and it's really really hard and I just empathise. We had about 6 months like this, and then it got better. I don't think there is anything we did that helped. She just got over it.

one thing I don't know if you still feed him when he wakes. I know the advice is to stop so he gets no 'reward' from waking up, but we found if we fed her she went back to sleep, and that was quite a win for all of us. I'm not advising this, I'm just saying that conventional wisdom isn't necessarily right.

I think it did help to just pat her back down in the cot rather than getting her up. She cried more but at least we were there, and she would usually go back again if we kept it off for long enough.

Thinking of you.

Andi said...

i just thought i'd leave a comment here re: sleep as well.

my 10 month old is also constantly asking for the boob at night - every 2 to 3 hours. we cosleep in the same bed and have been since he was a newborn. and its been really hard to get this to stop. each time we make significant progress, he gets an ear infection or a bronchial virus or teething or something that makes him not sleep at night. when he does get a bronchial infection, my ped tells us to let him drink often and dont let him cry. so after a week or so of him being sick, he gets used to waking up every 2 hours to nurse.

we've done the sleep training thing many times. like i said, each time he gets sick we take several steps backwards. we've done the husband only thing until 4am thing, we've done the CIO (ferber) - which didnt work becausee my son would get so angry and scratch up his face til it bled, we've done the tank up before bedtime, etc.

so last night, he and i had a battle of the wills. we let him CIO, however, we dont leave him alone cuz i dont want him to hurt himself. i hold him and let him cry as long as he wants, i distract him if he gets too upset, i rock him, etc. after 1.5 hours, he FINALLY gave up and went down and slept til 5:30am. so he didnt eat from 9pm to 5:30am. even though he didnt sleep for 90 minutes of that time, i say that is a huge improvement over waking every 2 to 3 hours. i think its important to let him get used to not nursing at night first...then the sttn will follow.

good luck. i hope you find something that works for you. as for the husband thing - i have no advice, but i hope it works out for you. =)