AGAIN ABOUT THE SLEEP

People. It's 1:21 am. I'm not lying about what I am about to write.

I have been up with Sacha for the past 2 hours. The last half hour the both of us have spent crying.

The previous hour and a half saw me holding my baby as he slept, and him waking and screaming the moment I put him down. The first holding and sleeping lasted an hour. He was out cold. And then he woke when he hit the mattress. Two more attempts and I lost it.

I sat in the rocking chair holding my baby on the verge of hysterics asking my almost 11 month old why he won't sleep. Of course he can't answer me.

And of course my husband finally got out of bed to help me.

I tried getting into bed, but I just lay there and cried. I couldn't sleep, so I figured I would use my time wisely and bang out something here.

Sacha seems to have stopped crying too. But I can hear my husband walking around with him. Who knows what will happen when he tries to put the baby back in his crib. Who knows. And who knows how many more times we will have to do this tonight.

I know this: Sacha has us wrapped around his finger. And our getting up to him every couple of hours and then subsequently holding him for hours on end is just reinforcing his waking. Compounded by the fact that I am now nursing him so much in middle of the night, I feel that we have embarked upon a never ending cycle.

I am at my wit's end. I am exhausted. I am sad. I dread getting into bed.

Worse yet is that it is wreaking havoc on my relationship with my husband.

You see. He thinks he's more entitled to sleep because he works all day. Just writing that makes me quake in anger. I think there might be steam coming out of my ears.

Just to remind you: for the past 5 years I have run a home-based business. Yes, things are slower now (I can choose how much work I take on; plus the economy is not doing me any favours), but the truth of the matter is that I never stopped working once Sacha was born. Essentially I never had a full maternity leave.

Oh ya. I also have this job called being a mother.

I love my husband dearly. But he just isn't getting it these days. And I don't know how to make him get it. He thinks that I should be able to nap twice a day like Sacha does. I guess he forgets that I need some time to work, clean up the house, prepare dinner, go grocery shopping, etc...

I can't go on like this.

I know something has to be done. About Sacha's sleep and about my relationship.

I don't want to start hating my husband over this. And more scary is that I don't want to start resenting my baby.

I really don't know what to do to break the cycle of crazy sleep that I know we created ourselves. (Well yes. I do know. And I know it will have to involve some level of crying it out. And it pained me to just write that.)

And I don't know what to do to end this competition that my husband and I seem to be having without end. The one where we are at each other about who works more/works harder/sleeps less/etc...

Please help. I thought having my baby would cure my tearful nights.

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A few notes:

1- I previously wrote about Sacha's nighttime routine here. It doesn't make sense to write it all out again. It has changed somewhat because the entire situation has escalated.

2-While I know some of you may have this suggestion on the tips of your tongues (you know, the one where I let my husband care for the baby alone for a day or 2), it still is not an option as Sacha is still breastfed, and he refuses to take a cup or a bottle. Indeed another post for another time. Yes, I need more help. But this is more pressing.

3- Ok. I am not that naive to think that having a baby would cure any problems. But sometimes I can't help thinking that yes, while I pretty much have everything that I have ever wanted, I have next to never felt so shitty.

POSTS A-BREWIN'

I love Shlomit, and I am still so so sad about her loss.
And I miss her terribly as a friend who lives close-by.

But that post sittling at the top of the blog made ever so sad everytime I came here.

I have a gazillion posts brewing, and hopefully I will get one published soon. Working at home and caring for this almost-toddler is really taking a toll on my blogging!

I just wanted to let you know that all is well here in our world. Sacha is wonderful, sweet, active and thriving. And I am still learning as we go.

Details coming soon.