Or: Stuff That May or May Not be of Interest to You.
I don't know... do you want to hear about Sacha? How cute and delicious he is? How when he "smiles" he has a dimple that matches mine, and it can make your heart melt?
Or would you prefer to hear about how deluded I was about being a mother because I was so blinded by wanting a child that I never in my wildest imagination thought that being mommy to an infant would be so overwhelming?
Or how about the fact that my husband went back to work when Sacha was 5 days old, leaving me to sit in the NICU by myself? How he gets to go off and be normal everyday, thinking it's easy to parent because: look the baby fell asleep after I rocked him for 15 minutes- your days can't be that hard! How our relationship will never be the same, and although I knew it wouldn't, I could not have imagined how.
Or how I'm not 100% certain that paragraph 1 above makes up for paragraphs 2 and 3.
I'll let you decide what you want me to blog about, and I'll post about it next time.
In the meantime, I have some questions for some of you who are currently in the infant rearing stage. (I really have to get out and join a "group" or something. Because I don't have anyone around me with a baby. But I am scared shitless of interacting with run of the mill fertiles, you know?)
Ok, so...
1. What kind of diapers are you using? Cuz Sacha seriously seems to leak through any type we have tried so far. Is it a boy thing? He gets wet spots on the back of all his clothes because his penis (pointing up) pees out of the top front of the diaper and then runs along to the back. Or am I just a horrible diaper-putter-oner?
2. What do you do with a child who is dry, fed, and being rocked, but still is crying? At these times I find myself going batty. And then I start crying. And then no one is doing anyone any good over here.
3. Also- being alone all day at home- that I'm used to from my past 4 years of self-employment. But being at home with an infant who is in constant need of you? Diaper, feed, play, rock to sleep, repeat. I have to eat, I have to shower, I have to do load after load of poopy laundry, I have to do a bit of work (I have to blog...). What is with this notion of "sleep when the baby is sleeping"? How am I supposed to do that??!!
Ach... is anyone still reading anyways?
If you are, then remember your homework- topic to write about from first part of post, and answers to my questions from second part of post.
Next time you may be rewarded with yummy pics. And pics of the baby room which I never posted.
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30 comments:
first of all, thank you for rewarding my hourly checks of your blog with a post!!! given your schedule (what with the pooping, and rocking and feeding and stuff) i'm even more thrilled...
i have not so much advice but want to hear more abou how different everything is ... for you and the c and, yes, about how deluded you were...give us all the nitty gritty!!!!
in the meantime, i'm giving you all lots of love and wishing you a good pesach...chag sameach!
peace
shlomit
Of course we are still reading! We want to know how you are dealing with your newborn? How has your life with your hubby changed? We know it will, but in what ways? I use other bloggers for guidance on things that are happening, could happen, and see that I am not alone in some of the ways I feel.
We would love to see some pictures definitely!
Just writing in to say chag sameach. Clearly I have no idea what to do with a newborn ...
First: try the penis pointing down.
I would love to hear about how you're not sure if #1 makes up for #2 & #3. I have often considered how the IF patient deals with the reality of becoming a parent and how overwhelming it can be to parent an infant (no matter how badly wanted). Becuase, no matter how you look at it, parenting an infant SUCKS. The post-partum body, the post-partum depression, the lack of sleep, the 'my partner gets to go off to work and I'm here feeling like I've ben hit by a poopy, can't do anything truck'... I really would like your perspective.
I need to hear about topics#1-3 please. I am also waiting to read the answers to questions#1-3 because In 2 months I will really need these answers
Penis down. Always. You'll still have leaks occasionally, I think that's inevitable no matter what, but pointing down should eliminate most of it.
It gets better, I promise. Postpartum is always overwhelming and first time is the worst because you honestly just don't have a clue what you're getting into. I think no matter how many books you read, people you talk to, I don't think you can possibly be prepared. Six weeks is much better and then three months again seems to be a big step.
{{HUGS}}
First, a lot of love and support coming to you because, even though K is not a newborn, I feel most of the same things you're feeling right now! And I want to hear about it--cute and adorable newborn stuff AFTER the stuff that we might be able to at least support as you're going through them, and maybe give assvice to possibly help. As much as we want to hear about how cute Sacha is, we want to be there for you first.
Today's assvice second's Danielle's: point the firehose down. It will probably solve the diapering problems. If not, do that AND move to the next size up of diapers--P would start wetting through diapers long before he got to the "weight maximum" on them.
And some more love and support to finish up--we're here if you need us, and we want to hear about it.
Ok, so I am BY NO MEANS an expert, just struggling through this myself but here goes:
1. What kind of diapers are you using?
Why is the penis pointed up? If you point it down it helps with leaks...we are using Pampers and they seem to work fine. Make sure they are big enough to absorb the liquid but not too big!
2. What do you do with a child who is dry, fed, and being rocked, but still is crying?
Have you read The Happiest Baby on the Block (or watched the DVD)? It tells you all about swaddling, shushing, etc., ways to calm and soothe him. Do you have a swing? Those were a GODSEND to us and still are, at 5 months!
3. Also- being alone all day at home-
I imagine that is SO hard, I was such a wimp I was never alone with the twins. You are an awesome, strong mama!! Can you have friends visit, maybe one a day or every other day, just for company and some help? And are you eating, showering, etc. while he's sleeping? I never really got the whole sleep while they're sleeping thing, either! Easier said than done. But can you have someone come over and even just watch him sleep while you rest so you have some peace of mind?
You are in the TOUGHEST period now, it does get easier, it really really does! Feel free to e-mail me if I can be of any help, okay? We new, fairly clueless new Moms have to stick together :-)
Posting on any of those topics works for me :)
To answer your questions:
1. What kind of diapers are you using? Pampers Swaddlers. They are the best that we have found. I am thinking about trying cloth diapers, but that may be more work than I can handle. We have a girl, though, so can't help with the penis bit.
2. What do you do with a child who is dry, fed, and being rocked, but still is crying? I look at her and cry. What has worked for us is sitting on an exercise ball and bouncing up and down - she seems to like that motion. AND, get a sling if you don't already have one. They like being all close and snuggly (and usually stop crying right away) and it leaves your hands free for blogging. If they let you sit down, that is. Babies are little tyrants.
3. Also- being alone all day at home- that I'm used to from my past 4 years of self-employment. But being at home with an infant who is in constant need of you? DEFINITELY get out there and join some kind of new moms group. We go to mommy and me yoga and I can't tell you how psychologically beneficial it is to talk to other moms and watch their babies cry too, etc. Seriously, anything you can find to go to will help. Not all new moms are as fertile as they look - you might even find some comrades in arms that way. Also - any new moms in your neighborhood? All new moms are desperate for adult conversation- try to strike up a conversation with any new looking mom and you'll probably have instant friendship. I'm serious about the getting out and meeting new people bit - it really, really, really helps on many levels, especially since there is a great exchange of information- they can tell you what works for their babies, etc. etc.
And.. it does get a lot better and a lot easier. We are at 3 months now and it is tons easier. And more fun too.
Just delurking to help answer some of your questions... I had my son 3 months ago after dealing with IF for 4 years.
1. I LOVE Pampers swaddlers. I had a horrible time with Huggies, Luvs, and store brand diapers but swaddlers seem to work for me. When my son starts to leak in swaddlers, I've found that usually it's because he needs to move to the next size. Hope that helps if you haven't tried swaddlers yet.
2. In my experience, you can't really do anything except... well... hold them. Have you tried swaddling? Do you think it could be gas? The bright spot?! It will get better!!! They start to figure things out and the crying gets less. Also, with my son, I usually tried to nurse him again even if I had nursed him half an hour earlier, and he ate a TON! I never knew this, but some babies just start off hungry and want to eat like crazy all the time! He gained 5 pounds in his first two months! I wish I had known this was possible.
3. It gets easier!! In my experience, once he starts sleeping a little more at night.. you are able to get more done during the day during those times he does fall asleep in the day just because you have just a little bit more energy. For me, the first 2 months were a blur of exhaustion, but before I knew it I could put him in his bouncy chair during the day and actually throw a load of laundry in, or start the dishwasher. I was so so so overwhelmed initially and felt oh so guilty about said overwhelming feelings, but I can only tell you that ever so slowly you will feel better. The first time my son Gabriel smiled, it really really did make it all so much easier. I went from feeling like merely his caretaker to feeling like his mother. My love which was so strong from the moment he was born grew exponentially which I didn't think was possible. When he started going more than 3 hours of sleep too, it made a great change in the whole family dynamic. He's up to 7 hours now between feedings at night!
Wishing you only the best and please feel free to email me if you ever have any questions. I have tons of other things to write but don't want to take up too much room!
ehawk@tampabay.rr.com
I feel as though you've written out a description of my days exactly... halleluia, I'm not alone! (typing one-handed while breast-feeding, even)
The mama-to-a-newborn bit is indeed overwhelming, as is being home alone, feeling alienated from the hubby, just needing something as simple as a shower and a few minutes with both hands free... so allow me to comiserate:
1. We're going back and forth between cloth diapers and disposables, to try to cut back on waste but also to not go nuts washing diapers every day. The cloth ones are great, very absorbant, especially if you double-fold in front. The disposables we use are the chlorine-free, Seventh Generation brand. A little pricy, but oh well. Change often, and for goodness' sake tuck that penis in so it's pointing down!
2. I hit the wall with this scenario yesterday... I think it just comes with the territory. This is what I've learned in the past three weeks: if it's not a burp, gas, or a wet diaper, get thee a yoga ball and bounce your way to quietude. I swear it works better than rocking. Or if he'll tolerate it, get that baby in a sling and go for a walk. Really.
3. I have no answer for this one, I just want to say I'm in the same boat -- I cannot sleep when the baby is sleeping, either... there's so much other stuff to do! Like stuff my face and catch up on blogs. Ha ha.
I let myself cry whenever I need to, and remind myself that it WILL get easier.
Write about all this stuff, it's all part of the gorgeous crazy experiment. As Whitman said, "I am vast; I contain multitudes."
Also, give yourself a lot of credit, this is hard and the learning curve is STEEP.
(from a run-o-the-mill fertile...)
apparently, the penis should point down
peace
shlomit
#1: Penis down. H advised me to pull the diaper down, then cover up again as boys have a tendency to pee with fresh air. The Chieftain doesn't, but that's because he's a practical joker and prefers the stealth pee.
#2: Find a New Moms/New Parents group and attend it (ask at your maternity ward, or lactation consultant or Craigslist, whatever works!). It'll be freaky and weird and uncomfy the first time, but it does get better (I went to my 2nd meeting today and was grateful to see other babies doing the same weird stuff The Chieftain does, like coughing and sneezing and hitting themselves in the head). Getting out of the house is soooo important - I never realized how much until this week, actually. There is life beyond the baby!
#3 Run and get Harvey Karp's book, The Happiest Baby On The Block. The 5 s's - swaddling (you can see videos on how to do this on YouTube, and though there are lots of fancy structured blankets for doing it, we just use receiving blankets), shushing, sucking, swaying, and, er, the other one, have saved our sanity.
How old is Sacha now? The Chieftain just hit 6 weeks, maybe I can save you some angst!
Forgot. Need a shower but too paranoid to leave him by himself? Put him in the carseat and bring it into the bathroom with you. Ta-da!
Food I'm still working on...
I don't have any baby tips for you. I did learn something new today - point the penis down!!
I want to read about anything you have to post. So write what you feel like writing.
Oh, I sooooo have the solution to the hubby thing. Tell him you want some time off this weekend. Tell him NOW, so he'll be prepared - don't take a no. THEN go out of the house (don't care where you go) for SEVERAL hours - it has to be more than 4, 8 is best, so the baby has had a FULL cycle of needs.
When you get home, your hubby WILL feel differently, promise. I know several women who've done this and it works like a charm.
Looks like you have had good answers to #'s 1 - 2, but no one mentioned a "bouncy chair". This contraption was my saving grace, and the cheap ones work JUST FINE.
As to how to eat... You need a chair with arms at your table. Then, after baby is fed, you need to either hold baby, or put them in their bouncy chair, then you need to eat with one hand. The other hand holds baby or bounces them. With practice this becomes doable, even for Daddy.
Note: it is near impossible to eat while feeding the baby, unless you breastfeed. Well, you can, but the baby ends up wearing a lot of your dinner. :)
Until I got the hang of it I stuck with portable foods, like sandwiches. These have a bonus in that they are FAST to make, and could be done in advance if needed - just like packing for work. :)
1. As what the other ladies say, penis down. Also, make sure to run your fingers around the legs and pull out the ruffle part of the diaper. This will help keep more pee in too.
2. Lucky was soothed by lullaby music. I would also put him in the front pack, and went about many of my daily duties. When my brain went to mush, we would hit the mall. The walking helped me. Lucky would fall asleep in the stroller, and I could enjoy a cup of coffee and other grown ups.
I have no experience with #3, because I've had my mom around every day since our little one arrived. I know, I lucked out.
I want to hear about everything. I have spared no one all the aspects of my life post baby. I want you to do the same.
Diapers: I find the Presidents Choice Supremes are pretty good. I like them better than Huggies and Pampers. My friend has a boy and likes them best too. Make sure they're the supreme ones though. The only time I used Pampers and liked them was the first month. Their newborn size was perfect. Like another commenter said, they are ready to move to the next size long before the max weight has been reached. Once I start getting lots of leaks I try a bigger size. Buy a bigger size and try one out.
Crying: Try things other than rocking. I gently bounced the babe and she liked that much better. Now that she's older I tend to kind of dance with her. It makes her much happier than rocking.
Are you swaddling? It worked wonders for Chicka. And don't be afraid of Gripe Water. It's your friend!!!!
Mommy groups: I steered clear too. Just couldn't bring myself to do it.
I never could "sleep when she slept". The notion is kind of ridiculous. I got a wonderful, cozy vibrating chair that was an absolute godsend and I would bring it into the bathroom with me while I showered and whatnot. I'll send you the link to it if you're interested.
But really, my friend, your teeth may have to go unbrushed on occasion. You may not wash your hair for 4 straight days. But this stage passes rather quickly. I know it doesn't seem like it, but it does. Hang in there.
If you ever want to chat or vent or whatever email me! We could have a Canuck Email Mommy's Group and avoid dealing with all the baby dust Moms. Give it some thought.
Just to ditto all the commenters...
#1 - Always diaper with penis pointed down, or you will get leaks. We use Pampers Swaddlers right now, and they seem to work fine. Baby O is pretty small though.
#2 - I highly recommend Happiest Baby on the Block. But since you have no time to read right now? Swaddle him tightly with his arms down. Hold him on his side (with his belly facing yours and his head supported by the crook of your arm), stick a pacifier in his mouth (if you're so inclined, I know some people don't like pacifiers), and jiggle/swing him for a few minutes. Works like MAGIC with Baby O, seriously.
#3 - I'm not so good with sleeping either when the baby's asleep. Best I can do is have my MIL come over once a week so I can catch up on stuff and/or nap when she's here holding the baby. It's HARD, and I'm not sure where to get the time either.
Hugs and hang in there. You are SO not alone - I have had some of the same moments over the past month myself. You're doing great, and it allegedly gets easier. :)
xxxx
Hey Mrs. C, I for one definitely want to hear about Sacha. I'm hoping to be going down that road soon if all goes well. Need to know what I'm in for.
Your blog has been such a solace to me so far in my journey. I thank you so much for writing so openly about how you feel because it makes me feel normal!
Chag Samaeach, hope you have a wonderful pesach.
Mig & J
Aww, how cute! My son has my same exact dimple on the same exact side as me. I LOVE that! That's my claim to fame!
Diapers- I LOVE LOVE pampers. They are nice and stretchy.
Crying- Well, that's what baby's do. You just have to stay relaxed. I know, I know, why does that statement come up for EVERYTHING? But they really can feel your energy. Or pass him off. Or set him in his crib for 2-5 min.
Plan Plan Plan and Schedule ahead!!
I'm not very helpful, but I loved your dimple comment!
so yeah...definitely 'down'
waiting, waiting, waiting for yummy pics!!
peace
shlomit
ps...enjoy a little of your mom's matzah crackle for me, kay!!?!?!?!?
Hmm.Well, I'd love to read teh birth story. I've heard taht cloth diapers leak less. If you are using cloth, my mother would twist the diaper (there is a bit of a wad between the legs), but it would trap the penis better. You may not be putting his diapers on tight enough, or they might be too big.
Oh, Ms. C... I feel you. Here's my best input:
1. Penis pointing down, always pointing down. Also I'll echo what everyone else said about moving up a size if the diaper can't hold what your babe can dish out. FYI, Pampers makes "half-sizes" (labeled as "size 1-2" or "size 2-3"), which can come in really handy if he's soaking through a smaller size but swimming in the next full size up. (and hey, if you want some Pampers coupons, all ya gotta do is ask. On my blog, or by email.
2. I used my Moby Wrap for that purpose. I could hold the baby, pat her with one hand, and do useful things with the other.
3. Get out of the house. Seriously, just going for a 20-minute walk each day saved my sanity... even though it was freaking cold. Or get thee to a mall, which you'll soon find is a daytime haven for new moms. Of course, your other option is that you can CALL ME to kvetch. Seriously. Ask Shlomit for my number - I'm pretty sure she has it.
Oh, and the sleeping when the baby sleeps? I decided that sleep made me feel so much better that I dropped everything, including dishes, cooking, and even (gasp) showering, so that I could sleep every time the baby slept for about three days in a row. Made me feel human enough to get some other things done. And when all else fails, call whatever friends or relatives you can get your hands on.
Hang in there. I found that the first two weeks were a honeymoon, and then it got steadily more difficult until week eight, when I actually cried out of desperation and exhaustion and demanded that Mr. December put the baby's swing in a place where it *obviously* wasn't going to fit. Things will, and do, get better. I promise.
Haven't read all the comments, but after 12 years, honey it gets better, really. Email me if you ever want to bitch and we can exchange phone numbers.
That said, husbands suck...you really are going to live different lives even if you seriously freak on the man. He needs to get this, so yell a lot.
Get a mommy group. The first six weeks are hell, but they can help A LOT. They were my lifeline out of PPD, and btw, they might just be infertile as well.
Also, get earplugs and a baby carrier. As long as you're with him, or holding him, you'll know if he's crying but it will lower the noise level and make it easier.
As for why he is crying? Gas, needs swaddling, or he is still hungry. Even though you just fed him, some kids are still hungrier. And if he is hitting his growth spurts, at 3 weeks, 6 weeks, 3 months, and 6 months he may need round the clock feeds until he gets your supply up to where he wants it. 24 hours in bed skin to skin rest and good nutrition for you should help it.
Take care, and seriously, email me with your number if you just want to talk or whatever. I'm happy to listen.
Quite some time ago I placed a comment on your blog that was not very favourable. I stumbled onto your blog while doing some research into infertility and was intrigued that there were others experiencing difficulties and writing about them. I am not new to surfing by any means but I was new to the whole blogging thing. I read for a while and in very short period of time you became pregnant and what followed were entries of worry and fear. Yep, I am the one who suggested you get on with it and enjoy it.
First, let me apologize. I had no right to comment on what you say on your own blog - I get that. I could only imagine at the time that if I were ever to become pregnant the worry and fear would take a backseat and I didn't understand. Maybe I never will until I am there.
Which I am not. My story is not like the ones that I read about. I am an early 40-something who got a late start in the husband department and have been struggling to get pregnant for the past two years. Between my dried up eggs - my doctor's words - and his non-swimmers, it would seem that the cards are stacked up against us. And as neither of us are lucky enough to have adequate insurance, interventions are not an option. And so each month, I dream and hope and then I dream and hope for the next month. And reading about others helps in some strange way.
I am so sorry for the hurt I caused. It really was not my intention. I have not stopped reading blogs and recently came across yours again and saw that you had given birth to an angel. I just wanted to delurk once more, apologize, and say congratulations. He is darling - I absolutely love his name - and you are blessed. Best of everything as you embark on this next chapter in your life.
S.
Don't be disheartened. I did not bond with my son at first. I was angry with him for making my life different. I wanted him so badly but I, like you, was in love with the idea of him having no idea what to expect when he actually got there.
Now, a little over a year later I can tell you it gets better. For me it was around three months when he started only getting up once in the night and I was able to become semi-sane again.
As for getting your stuff done, as my mom told me if he cries, he cries. It will not hurt him. Sometimes I just had to put him down in his crib where I knew he was safe and take a 5 minute or 10 minute... or let's be honest 15 minute shower away from the crying.
He was always safe when I got back and I was able to deal with him in a much calmer manner having had a bit of a break.
Sending good thoughts your way!!
Oh... and as for diapers, we use Target brand during the day and Huggies over night during the nights. And make sure you point the penis down or you will never have dry clothes!!
Nappies - different brands work for different babies so try a few. We have found pampers MUCH better than any other disposable for pob. early on the 'new baby' kind were great at soaking up all that wet poo. Now we use baby dry. But definitely penis down (not that pob has one, just from babysitting my nephews).
It's ok to cry sometimes, but better to call someone and cry, or vent on here, or yell at your husband, or put the baby down safely in his crib, even if he is crying, and leave him for 5 minutes while you get your head together. he will be fine.
But do try swaddling, it worked miracles for us. And a dummy (pacifier). And a swing - we didn't have one but some of my mummy friends have them and swear by them. We did have a rocking crib which I could lie next to in bed and rock when I was half asleep. Used to give me another 30 mins of sleep.
And all that stuff you're doing instead of sleeping? don't do it. One load of laundry a day, max, and then everything else can go to hell - cooking, cleaning, writing thank you notes? You don't need to do those things, you need to sleep.
Hang in there sweetie, it gets better.
I'm so glad you guys are home and things are going well!
I don't have many answers to your questions because I'm trying to figure this stuff out too. The one thing I'm doing to keep me from going bonkers at home with a newborn is to get out of the house. I pretty much have to leave the house everyday or I go nuts. go to a breast feeding support group 3 days a week and I schedule all the doctor's appointments for the other days that way I have an excuse to get out (oh and we've had a couple different dr. appointments a week).
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