I was on vacation. And I didn't warn you. I hope you haven't been fretting too much.
It's so true what many have you have pointed out- the longer you wait between posts the more difficult it is to get back here and write. I have had posts upon posts swirling around in my head for weeks, but I'm not really sure how to get all my thoughts out coherently. Yes! So may thoughts! I am thinking things- can you imagine?! But everything is all over the place.
I might as well start with this: I am still pregnant. Physically, all 12w3d of my baby seems to being doing just fine. On Thursday we went for out first trimester Integrated Screening tests (which included my first ultrasound not done by my RE, as well as the phenomenon of being able to remain clothed during the process.) The sonographer, who explained every detail of what's going on inside (much to my glee) pronounced everything just perfect. Of course I couldn't have hoped for better news.
So, though the baby is growing just fine physically, it doesn't seem that my psyche wants to catch up. While I am thankful for every moment of this pregnancy (there are not even words to describe), I find myself unable to feel completely blissful about it. I can't seem to be able to completely just let go of my fear and start to enjoy. It also doesn't seem quite real- kind of like this isn't happening to me. When I think of pregnant me I feel as if I step out of my body and am looking at myself from across the street. It's as though pregnant me and infertile me can't co-exist in the same body and brain. It is truly a surreal experience.
The hardest part about the surreality of the pregnancy is that other people don't seem to understand why I feel this way. And you know that I'm not talking about you, oh friends of the blogosphere! Next time I think I will post about peoples' reactions to our news to lighten things up a bit around here. (I know you will have a good laugh.) In the meantime, thanks for listening. Again, I am ever thankful for your presence and support.
PS: I'm going to shuffle my blogroll around a bit- if I have put you in a category that you don't feel comfortable residing in, please let me know.
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11 comments:
Welcome home! I had wondered how you were doing.
I am glad all is well with you and the baby.
Yay! You really shouldn't stay away so long. We worry, you know.
I totally get it... I only started really getting excited around 20 weeks or so. Other people can go suck a lemon.
And I'm so glad to hear that all is well... oh, how the time crawls... I want to see baby C already!
Welcome home! I am glad that all is well.
Glad everything is alright!! I was starting to wonder where ya were.
I missed you! I'm glad that everything continues to go well with the baby and this pregnancy. If it helps at all, I continued to think something was going to go wrong up until P was actually in my arms. No one IRL understood. So you're at least not alone in that!
I'm glad the news was all good!
I think it's pretty normal to have some residual fears throughout a pregnancy after infertility. Perhaps those that get over infertility soon after seeing the pink line don't blog?
Some people around me can't deal with my feelings of trepidation about the outcome. In the end, that's their problem, not mine.
Nice to hear from you again! And so lovely to hear that the baby is doing well.
I should think early pregnancy must be one of the most confusing things for an infertile woman. YOu are finally the opposite of what you have been, and yet there's still so much to worry about - we're all victims of over-information and too much grief. I hope it gets easier, and more fun. I hope it all ends wonderfully.
hey...of course i'll still pop in here! thanks for your note...your friendship means the WORLD!! oh, and i just woke up from a dream about your worries about your pregnancy....here's the deal...whenever the bliss starts creeping in (if it does), let me know and you can park your worries with me, kay?
LOVE YOU! And I am blissed out for you!!!
Shana Tovah, my friend. May it be sweeter than you even imagined!
peace
shlomit
Congrats my dear!
12 weeks and passing the ultrasound is a huge deal, very very cool.
Welcome home!
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