RE: MY PREVIOUS POST

Thank you guys for your outpooring of support. I know I say it all the time but here I go again: I don't know what I would do without you. This is an amazing community, and I am so fortunate to have found friendship in all of you.

The frustration that was overwhelming me at the beginning of this week was unreal. Blogging about the dissappointment and the impatience really helped me move forward- I got all the negativity out, and am now looking ahead to the next cycle. My recap of my life-as-an-IF-to-date also served to bring some lurkers out of the woodwork. To Ann and Carrie: Nice to meet you. (And to the rest of you: Go visit Ann and Carrie!)

BUT. (There has to be a but, doesn't there? I can't just end this post on a light "I love my community" note, can I?) In your comments alot of you raised some ideas and issues that I want to talk about. Reading your thoughts about my clinic made me stop and wonder if I am aggressive enough with my clinic. And if I wanted to be more aggressive how would I do it without starting to cry while on the phone (I'm often a blubbering baby when I am in an emotinal situation where I have to be assertive. Remember the Great Records Fiasco of 2006?)

So: I want to address a number of points you guys made, give you my perspective, and then I ask that you please share with me how you would have handled the situation.

Problem One: My doctor takes too many vacations.
Ya. That's what I'm thinking at the moment. He took off 2 weeks at Christmas, and now 2 weeks for March Break. It DOESN'T seem like the right thing to do given the line of work that he is in. And I'm certain that his taking vacation probably pissed off at least 2/3 of his clientele. I understand completely about the need for vacations from work-especially for someone who works 14 hours a day, 7 days a week. I understand also that my doctor may have needed a rest period becasue he has been suffering from his own medical problems (that whole he can't speak thing.) So go ahead, doctor, take your time off- but your people should have given me the correct information concerning your time off.

What will I do about Problem One?
- Next time I am at the clinic I will be certain to inquire about other upcoming vacations. I'm sure there will be some time off taken in the summer. It is important that I know about it. (Heck! I can plan my own vacation to coincide!)
- I will tell the nurse and the doctor that I was unhappy that I did not receive all the information (especially seeing as if I had known I could have planned accordingly- my god, I was off by one day!)

Problem Two: I should just change clinics!
I have a love-hate relationship with my clinic. Actually, it's mostly love. When looking for an RE (and the best clinic for us), my research yielded the information that there are 4 clinics in the Mont.real area. One was out of the question (at a hospital, very impersonal service, had heard personal unsatisfactory accounts of treatment there, far from my house, dreadful to find parking there). Another seemed out of the question aswell (primarily French speaking-a big concern for us, far from my house, big size). So we had narrowed it down to two, and went to interview both. We decided for our clinic for the following reasons: it is very close to our house, and The C's work, we loved the atmosphere, we loved the receptionist and nurse, it was very personal (they knew our names from the moment we stepped in the door), we would be dealing with only one doctor and nurse (not doctors on a rotational basis), the doctor preformed all the u/s and procedures himself. In short-we felt really comfortable letting these guys handle the conception of our child. (The clinic that we decided against had much of the same negative points as the other two we nixed.) What I guess we weren't aware of is how a clinic with only one RE ceased to function if the RE took a vacation. I believe that we were under the impression that an alternate doctor would be brought in at these times. This is the SINGLE "hate" aspect of this love-hate relationship. To me, although this issue is huge, it does not outweigh the great things about the clinic enough to make me want to bid them adieu.

What will I do about Problem Two?
- I am going to stay put. We already looked around at our other options and don't think this is a deal-breaker given all the things that we like about the clinic.
- I will raise the fact that I was under the impression that a replacement would be availble during holiday times so that it would not affect our cycling.
- I will reiterate that I am upset that I had missed a cycle due to mis-information, and that this is unacceptable as it could have been avoided.

Problem Three: I should have a CD4 baseline u/s.
Yes! That's what I was hoping... When I called on CD1 (Friday), it was THEN that I was informed that the docotr would only be back at work on my CD4 (Monday). The receptionist told me that it was a possibility that he would see me then for the baseline, and that I should just hold tight and they would let me know on Monday when he was back at work. On Monday when I spoke with the receptionist I was told that she was sorry (as an IF herself, she really understands the disappointment,) but the doctor absolutely positively wants to start my treatment on CD3, not 4. (My protocol is that I start Fem.ara on CD3, so while yes, a baseline can be done on CD4, my treatment has to start on CD3! Of course I can't start treatment without first ahving a look at the ol' overies...) I had some hope over the weekend that I would have been able to start on CD4, as I remember that in my first treatment cycle the doctor did that. I know that when my last cycle failed we discussed about making some small changes, and I guess that's why the doctor was adamant about starting on CD3.
(Just a side note: it was CD6 when I wrote the previous entry, so a CD4 baseline was certainly out of the question by the time this was published!!)

What can I do about Problem Three?
- Ummm... nothing? The doctor made his decision, what can I do?
- Ok-I can do something: ask him why he had to absolutely positively start on CD3. Why couldn't he at least have me come in to see what was up down there, and then make his decision on the treatment? (My insurance covers all my u/s, and medicare covers the visit, so I wouldn't have minded spending the extra mooney for nothing...)

There we have it: my problems that I want to solve, and my proposed ways to address them. (God, I hope I didn't bore you to tears.) Do you guys have any suggestions? Any tips on how to stay calm cool and collected when sticking up for yourself? As always, your input is so greatly appreciated (and desired! and needed!)

Enough rambling! It's Saturday morning and there's work to be done!

IMPATIENCE IS NO FUCKING VIRTUE

Clever title, eh? Can you tell that I'm in a good mood this week?

I know you're asking, "Ms. C, why are you so impatient?"

Well, folks, it seems that I am not able to conceive. It appears that we know why, and that we have known why for a long, long time (so long, in fact that when that I knew my diagnosis eons before it would even occur to find out if would have any effect on bearing children.) It also appears that I can't seem to get anywhere with my treatment.

A fine recipe for impatience and a whole lot of other yucky feelings.

Let's recap for a moment, shall we...

Rewind 20 years to the first time I got my period. A icky afair that did not reappear for 6 months (a blessing, I thought, at the time).

The appearance of facial hair coupled with irregular cycles produces a diagnosis of "imbalanced hormones" at the age of 16 or so. I am put on "hormones", and later on the pill. When my mother found some info on PCOS, and the doctors poo-poo it. (Hi! Correct self-diagnosis at your service.)

Fast forward a number of years... I meet The C, we date, we have lots of sex, and I am very careless with taking the pill. No pregnancy- no worries! after being together for 8 years we decide it's baby time, and off the pill I go.

3 months: no period. Call gyn, take pro.vera. Still no natural period. Repeat.

Does my gyn send me immediately to RE becasue she is well aware of my history since I'm 16? Noooooo. Let's first play with clo.mid. Oh what fun.

After 2 rounds of scary-mother-fucker-bitch drug I am handed the number to the RE where I am told that the first available appointment is in 7 months. Patience is starting to wane.

15 months into TTC we finally meet with our RE, who laughs (not literally) at the fact that the gyn even attempted to do anything with clo.mid. I waited for this day for so so long, and yet my patience is tested once more as I am told that we have to wait an entire cycle until we can begin treatment. Oh ya, and my PCOS is confirmed. 16 fucking years later.

Our first cycle of Fem.ara and Pure.gon produce some lovely follies. We are sent home to screw, with a negative result. But lo! It's Christmas, and my RE needs a vacation. So patient I must be as I sit out the next cycle.

Deja vu ensues as we are prescibed the same treatment for our second round. Yes, with the homegrown sex. Have patience, says The C, what if we can make a baby naturally? With patience tried, we know now that we can't. And so we move on...

What's this? The RE needs to take another vacation? I must be patient and wait for the next cycle? Ok... I'll be a good girl and time my BCPs to coincide with the RE's return.

Which brings us to this week. When AF arrives I giddily call the clinic to scedule my CD3 appointment. What am I told? The doctor will not be back in the office until my CD4. NO ONE FUCKING TOLD ME HE WOULD BE AWAY FOR 2 WEEKS. It would have been nice to know seeing as I can time my cycles very easily with the BCPs.

What can I say? I have like 1% patience left. The last 20 months have looked like the following: wait, wait, wait, treatment that won't work, wait, treatment that doesn't work, wait, treatment that husband begs me to give another try (but I know won't work), wait, wait.

I know I'm not alone here, but today I'm feeling like I just can't take it anymore. I have many assets, however patience seems to have slipped off the list.

Fucking fuck fuck.

BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN

Or something like that.

I'm home from my Vegas vacation. It was warm and somewhat relaxing, and a good break from the everyday. It was great to get home to sleep in my own bed. I am in love with my bed and usually don't sleep well when I am away.

I have nothing much in the form of words to tell you. The C and I had fun using our new digital camera, so I thought I would post some photos instead of blabbing. Below you will find our faces, so you couple of lurkers from Montreal might recognize us. Which is fine... but it would be nice to meet you as well.

Without further ado: Ms. C and The C's adventure in Vegas...

That's me. I'm way too excited while eating breakfast our first morning. And I don't know what the story is with my two top teeth in this picture-they don't stick out from my lip like that!

Now here's The C enjoying a flight of Cab-Sauv. He's a wine snob. But I still love him. Because he told me that one of the wines smelled like raw sewage. He has such a way with words.

A little bit of Hoover.Dam action.

And then some driving and walking through the Valley of Fire:

A trip to Vegas is never complete without a visit to the buffet at Wy.nn. Delicious and beautiful.

Mmm mmm-that's some good gouda!

I am also a triffle obsessed with the design motifs at Wy.nn. Who designed this joint? I want to work with them.

We did a bit of shopping too, but the photos of that are not much fun. Neither are the rest taht I'm showing you. I really don't look like that picture of me. Or maybe I do, and I always thought I looked a little less weird than that.

Back to IF next time my pretties.

OFF FOR A BIT

Vacation. Yay. To Vegas. And we purchased a new digicam yesterday, so I can show you pictures when I return.

Today is CD5, and my third day of BCPs. I called my clinic dutifully on CD1 prepared to beg them to let me cycle even though I would miss 2 monitoring appointments. I was informed that I couldn't cycle due to my doctor's vacation next week. I guess it all works out as I'm certain that they wouldn't have let me cycle without being monitored. But if I wasn't going away and I had to delay my cycle because my doctor was, and I wasn't given any prior warning I would have been pissed to high holy hell. (I suppose this is the single downfall of a tiny clinic, but I was under the impression that there would be a replacement if the doctor took time off.)

The plan: BCPs for 2 weeks to bring on the noise. Seeing as my business starts 7-8 days following my last pill we are looking at CD1 March 26. Which if yields the desired result would have a due date of December 31. Oh ya, and I was told that I will be able to progress to IUI without any argument. Hallelujah.

Until then... much booze and debauchery is to be had in the next 5 days in Vegas.

I wish you all a great week and lookforward to cheking in with you on my return.

GOOD OL' FASHIONED SHABBOS DINNER

A few weeks ago I attended the aufruf of a friend of the family who is getting married in 2 weeks. I am not an avid Shul goer, especially since we left behind the most amazing congregation when we moved to Montreal. But as the only representatvie from my family (my parents were away, my husband had to work, my brother was fetching his kids for their weekend visit) I felt obligated. (More obligated than I feel on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippurp-those are times I go to Shul for myself, not because I am someone invited me to attend with them.) You can imagine that I was less than thrilled (I don't know this shul, there won't be anyone I can sit with, no one to pass me candies when boredom strikes....), but I donned my skirt, heels and smile and went.

Revelation of my lifetime: I enjoyed the service.

And it wouldn't bother me to return. In fact, it was a wonderful introspective way to spend 4 hours of a Saturday morning smack dab in the midst of my 2ww. I didn't have anyone to giggle with. I don't wear a watch so I wasn't constantly checking the time. I followed the service, reading along in Hebrew. I was engrossed in the Rabbi's sermon. And to my surprise, found much pleasure in the entire experience.

Towards the end I was remembering the wonderful Shabbat dinners that The C and I (and Shlomit!!) used to share in our miniature apartment in Toronto. The we would head off for Services and have a wonderful night together. I thought about how much I miss those times because, although The C and I are not very observant Jews, this was the moment in our week where everything else ceased to be important. What was significant was that we were together, as a family (which included Shlomit), and later at services, as part of a community.

I left Shul vowing to make Shabbat important in our lives again. (Important for us. Everyone's definition is different.) I would find my candlesticks that are still in their box from our move two years ago. I would make the trek to the bakery for some delicious challah. (Mel and Sarah, your industriousness inspires me, one day maybe you can teach me to make my own challah.) And I would recreate our old-time dinner (minus Shlomit, but perhaps plus some other family members.) I felt good and I was excited.

My mother beat me to the punch and instead invited us to her house for Shabbat dinner tonight. (Homemade chicken soup and all-I just can't wait!) Since my idea of me making Shabbat willhave to be put off for another two weeks (we will be in Vegas next week), I thought I would share with you:

Ms. C's Old Fashioned Shabbos ('cuz that's how the family from the Old Country pronounce it) Dinner.

Menu
Grilled Salmon (recipe to follow)
Raosted Asparagus
Roasted Sweet Potatoes
Red Wine (because you can't bench over white wine, right Shlomit!)
Ice Cream and Fruit
And something chocolate for good measure

Teriyaki Salmon
6 salmon fillets
2 tbsp teriyaki sauce
1 tbsp lemon juice
1 tbsp brown sugar or honey
1 tsp minced ginger
1 clove garlic
1/2 tsp dijon mustard

Mix all ingredients together in a small bowl and then pour over salmon to marinate. Sometimes I marinate for 30 minutes becasue that's all I have. Sometimes I am organized and marinate overnight.

The salmon is best grilled on the bbq (our favorite method), but can also be cooked in the microwave (8-9 minutes on high, flipping pieces halfway through), or in the oven in a pyrex (Bake at 400F for about 10 minutes).

Serve salmon with asparagus (we toss it with olive oil, salt, pepper and a fresh herb and throw it on the bbq, but it can also be steamed or roasted in the oven), and melt-in-your-mouth sweet potatoes (done in the microwave or in the oven).

Sit with friends and family and enjoy.

Shabbat Shalom to everyone.

(What? You weren't actaully expecting something traditional from me, were you??!!)

(And at the risk of making you fall off your chair by not once mentioning IF in a post, allow me to say this: I can't wait for the day that The C and I can have our dinner with our children.)