I know I'm not the first one of us to have an IUI, but this is a first for me. So I'm a bit nervous. And also terribly excited.
I mean: what if this is IT? WHAT IF.
I can hear you all now. "Oh, that Ms. C! She's so naive!" But, really, I can't help but wonder. And of course I think of the bloggers who I read who actually did conceive with their first IUI. (Thanks for the hope, gals!) So for today I shall be innocent. (Get back to me in two weeks!)
The C should be home any moment to pick me up so that we can go to do "his thing". Then we wait an hour, and it's my turn. I should be home by 10.30. (It's interesting- from most of my reading it seems that the men go and give their sample alone. The C always wants me to be with him. I don't mind, I actually think it's pretty amusing.)
Of course after all my worrying about my father, The C asking for the time was really no big deal. We had already told my parents about our IF (prior to The C needing to take time for our first round of doctors appointments), and it seemed that they understood somewhat wheat was going on, and what could transpire in the future. I even sent them link on the internet to read up on IF and procedures. I guess much didn't sink in, for when The C said, "We are going to the doctor for insemination on Monday, I will need a few hours off in the morning," my father's response was, "why can't you just do it at night at home?" (He thankfully omitted the end of the phrase "like everyone else does".) The C started to explain how we needed the embyologist (at my clinic it is the embryologist who does all the sperm-work), as well as the doctor and the nurse, and that of course, we have to work around their schedule, and not vice versa. I think it was at the word "embryologist" that my father sorta waved his hand and said, "take the time you need, if thats what needs to be done."
It's like they want to know and they don't want to know at the same time. Like they get it, but also they don't get it. I'm probably not alone in having parents who react like this. But it's hard to really garner support when this is what we are dealing with.
Alright! Here is The C hanging over my shoulder. I'm off. Perhaps I will update later, but I won't be telling you anything that the vast majority of you don't already know.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Friday, April 27, 2007
OK, CAN'T COME UP WITH ANYTHING NEGATIVE
I sorta promised you a post cleansing all my negative thoughts. But that was over a week ago. Seeing as I'm really trying to focus on the positive, I have think that I have let those thoughts flee my mind.
Those of you who know me in real life are saying to yourselves "who is this chick and what have you done with the real Ms. C?!" I assure you it's me. I am here. I'm just trying to have a better outlook on this all. I know it's easier to have this frame of mind while actively cycling. Check back on me next time this week when I will be beginning my two week wait. (Then we'll see how macho I am about this positivity shit...)
So let's talk about good stuff...
First on the agenda: Me! Yesterday's CD11 appointment showed 4 lurvley follies ranging from 11-15 mm. No matter what my dosage of Pur.egon is, it really seems that slow and steady wins the race with me. This cycle I am on 40 IU (5 clicks), and it appears that the follies are growing at the same rate as when I did 20 IU (2 clicks!) my first cycle. I'm not complaining, all is fine as long as I see growth.
I am a tad anxious about the IUI. There are three things that are causing my anxiety. First: fear of the unknown. This is the first time that we are doing an IUI (even though this is our third injectables cycle). Thanks to you guys I know what to expect in terms of the procedure, but I don't know how I'm going to feel (physically and emotionally.) Second is that once again it is The C's "busy season" at work. (The busy season comes around twice a year and lasts for 2 months or so each time. You may recall this issue when I was discussing it in relation to our first RE appointment that fell in October's bus season.) The point: The C will have to take time off work to produce his sample, and, as I want him there when we are doing the IUI, he wll have to return to the clinic a bit later. Other than it is almost physically imposible to have time off work at this time of year, the person who he has to ask time off from is my father. Who tends to freak when anyone takes time off at this time of year. And third: Compounding this issue is that, of course (because of my slow ovaries), we don't know what day the IUI will be.
Despite these anxieties, I am trying to not let this get me down. Focus on the positive: We will have a baby.
Oh wait! I was first on the agenda! Which means that there must be other things my Good Stuff Agenda for April 27, 2007. Yes! Yes! My blogroll.
When I started blogging I had one list of blogs that I read, and few were of pregnant women, and none had given birth. It is amazing to me that over the past 11 months how many names I have had to move to my other categories. Today let's celebrate Karen, Watson and Lut who I have made the migration to On Their Way. I am so thrilled for you ladies. When I read about your positives my tears of joy came out to play. I felt like couldn't be happier than if they were my own positives. Also moving are Jenny and Flygirl who have their little girls at home with them. I can't believe how time flies. Seeing them overcome their IF and deliver their babies definately keeps my hope alive. My heart just swells when I click over to their sites.
I don't think this post would be complete without me mentioning my friend Shlomit. She wrote this week about not knowing how she will be able to move to life beyond the news of her last negative test. I have no wise words to you, Shlomit, other to tell you that I think of you often and wish you comfort and peace as you move forward.
And of course: positive thoughts to the rest of you. Because, the way I'm looking at it, thinking positively certainly can't hurt.
Those of you who know me in real life are saying to yourselves "who is this chick and what have you done with the real Ms. C?!" I assure you it's me. I am here. I'm just trying to have a better outlook on this all. I know it's easier to have this frame of mind while actively cycling. Check back on me next time this week when I will be beginning my two week wait. (Then we'll see how macho I am about this positivity shit...)
So let's talk about good stuff...
First on the agenda: Me! Yesterday's CD11 appointment showed 4 lurvley follies ranging from 11-15 mm. No matter what my dosage of Pur.egon is, it really seems that slow and steady wins the race with me. This cycle I am on 40 IU (5 clicks), and it appears that the follies are growing at the same rate as when I did 20 IU (2 clicks!) my first cycle. I'm not complaining, all is fine as long as I see growth.
I am a tad anxious about the IUI. There are three things that are causing my anxiety. First: fear of the unknown. This is the first time that we are doing an IUI (even though this is our third injectables cycle). Thanks to you guys I know what to expect in terms of the procedure, but I don't know how I'm going to feel (physically and emotionally.) Second is that once again it is The C's "busy season" at work. (The busy season comes around twice a year and lasts for 2 months or so each time. You may recall this issue when I was discussing it in relation to our first RE appointment that fell in October's bus season.) The point: The C will have to take time off work to produce his sample, and, as I want him there when we are doing the IUI, he wll have to return to the clinic a bit later. Other than it is almost physically imposible to have time off work at this time of year, the person who he has to ask time off from is my father. Who tends to freak when anyone takes time off at this time of year. And third: Compounding this issue is that, of course (because of my slow ovaries), we don't know what day the IUI will be.
Despite these anxieties, I am trying to not let this get me down. Focus on the positive: We will have a baby.
Oh wait! I was first on the agenda! Which means that there must be other things my Good Stuff Agenda for April 27, 2007. Yes! Yes! My blogroll.
When I started blogging I had one list of blogs that I read, and few were of pregnant women, and none had given birth. It is amazing to me that over the past 11 months how many names I have had to move to my other categories. Today let's celebrate Karen, Watson and Lut who I have made the migration to On Their Way. I am so thrilled for you ladies. When I read about your positives my tears of joy came out to play. I felt like couldn't be happier than if they were my own positives. Also moving are Jenny and Flygirl who have their little girls at home with them. I can't believe how time flies. Seeing them overcome their IF and deliver their babies definately keeps my hope alive. My heart just swells when I click over to their sites.
I don't think this post would be complete without me mentioning my friend Shlomit. She wrote this week about not knowing how she will be able to move to life beyond the news of her last negative test. I have no wise words to you, Shlomit, other to tell you that I think of you often and wish you comfort and peace as you move forward.
And of course: positive thoughts to the rest of you. Because, the way I'm looking at it, thinking positively certainly can't hurt.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
ROUND THREE
Ding, ding, ding.
Cycle day three details: nice lining, ovaries (though PCO) look good.
Plan: 5mg Fem.ara days 3-7; 40IU Pur.egon starting day 5; IUI when good and ready.
There is so much other stuff that I have floating in my mind, but haven't had the time and patience to sit and talk (umm, type) about it. I watched The Secret the other day and I am trying hard to attract positiveness towards me so that I can have positive outcomes with the events in my life. The "stuff" I wanted to write about is mostly negative shit (duh!). On the one hand I want to get it out, on the other hand I don't want the negative thoughts to negatively affect me. You know what I mean?
But knowing me I won't be able to resist. Perhaps I will indulge you (and me) with one last negative thoughts. Like a cleanse. Stay tuned...
And while we're focusing on the positive: run over to Jenny's place to have a look at who she brought home, and keep checking in on Fly who is either in active labour as I write, or already holding her Smudgette. Congrats to both of you wonderful, strong women!
Cycle day three details: nice lining, ovaries (though PCO) look good.
Plan: 5mg Fem.ara days 3-7; 40IU Pur.egon starting day 5; IUI when good and ready.
There is so much other stuff that I have floating in my mind, but haven't had the time and patience to sit and talk (umm, type) about it. I watched The Secret the other day and I am trying hard to attract positiveness towards me so that I can have positive outcomes with the events in my life. The "stuff" I wanted to write about is mostly negative shit (duh!). On the one hand I want to get it out, on the other hand I don't want the negative thoughts to negatively affect me. You know what I mean?
But knowing me I won't be able to resist. Perhaps I will indulge you (and me) with one last negative thoughts. Like a cleanse. Stay tuned...
And while we're focusing on the positive: run over to Jenny's place to have a look at who she brought home, and keep checking in on Fly who is either in active labour as I write, or already holding her Smudgette. Congrats to both of you wonderful, strong women!
Monday, April 09, 2007
OH... THE PILL
I am no stranger to "The Pill".
My first oxymoronic encounter with this wonder drug was when I was 16 or so. I had an evident "hormone inbalance" that was obviously not going to resolve itself as I progressed through puberty. I was intially presented with a 2-pill cocktail that would regulate all the inbalances, and when these drugs were no longer available (I don't know why, and there was no internet search back then!) I was handed my first package of birth control. Both these prescriptions played wonderfully with my hormones allowing my periods to come regularly with reduced flow, and stopping the hair from growing on my face (the residue of which was removed by very painful first generation electrolysis.) Of course there was the added bonus: BIRTH CONTROL. Ha! Not so necessary for this virginal 16 year old. Oh how amusing it is for me to think of my mother marching into the pharmacy to pick up my birth control persription for me!
Ahhhhh... but then I turned twenty, and the sex was a plenty! Thank goodness for the pill, I said! Talk about killing two birds with one stone! I was in college, living the life, and still had my mother sending me my birth control in the mail. Let's not beat around the bush, I was thankful for my perscription in more ways than one! At last I was able to use the drug for its intended function- with the added bonus of lighter, predicatable periods and perfect skin.
As I reached my decade anniversary of use of the pill, the initial reason for its prescription was but a gray smudge in my history. I had long stopped thinking as my body as abnormal, and couldn't image my life without the pill. My time of heavy, unbearable periods and sidelong glances from strangers at my "sideburns" were ancient history. For all intents and purposes, I forgot that it was doing something in my body other than preventing pregnancy.
Preventing pregnancy with a pill! What a fucking hoot! But I digress.
Enter The C, and marriage, and my last package of pills. For years we discussed having children, and while The C was ready from the day we met, I seemed to be always waiting for the "right time". Alas, I discovered there was never going to be a perfect time, and we might as well get on with it. I made the arbitrary decision to finish my current stash of birth control (which my mother still seemed to procure for me for free from the nurse at the gyn's office. YES! This nurse!), and that would end one period in my life and thus the commencement of another.
After almost half my life on the pill, I was pill free. For 15 months I was without.
And then I encountered the oxymoronic use of the pill for the second time in my life. For use while I was activly trying to get pregnant. I fucking hate taking the pill this time around. There is no status associated with it here. Each new pack of pills I pop open again signifies to me that my body is abnormal. It reminds me that I have just had another failed cycle. It emphasizes the shittyness of not being able to do two medicated cycles in a row. It points out to me that I only have 6 chances for pregnancy a year. I'm not even sure that hate is a stong enough word...
Last night I took my last BCP for this upcoming cycle. CD1 should be next Monday. I can't even tell you how much I hope I don't have to open another package of those suckers for at least 15 months.
My first oxymoronic encounter with this wonder drug was when I was 16 or so. I had an evident "hormone inbalance" that was obviously not going to resolve itself as I progressed through puberty. I was intially presented with a 2-pill cocktail that would regulate all the inbalances, and when these drugs were no longer available (I don't know why, and there was no internet search back then!) I was handed my first package of birth control. Both these prescriptions played wonderfully with my hormones allowing my periods to come regularly with reduced flow, and stopping the hair from growing on my face (the residue of which was removed by very painful first generation electrolysis.) Of course there was the added bonus: BIRTH CONTROL. Ha! Not so necessary for this virginal 16 year old. Oh how amusing it is for me to think of my mother marching into the pharmacy to pick up my birth control persription for me!
Ahhhhh... but then I turned twenty, and the sex was a plenty! Thank goodness for the pill, I said! Talk about killing two birds with one stone! I was in college, living the life, and still had my mother sending me my birth control in the mail. Let's not beat around the bush, I was thankful for my perscription in more ways than one! At last I was able to use the drug for its intended function- with the added bonus of lighter, predicatable periods and perfect skin.
As I reached my decade anniversary of use of the pill, the initial reason for its prescription was but a gray smudge in my history. I had long stopped thinking as my body as abnormal, and couldn't image my life without the pill. My time of heavy, unbearable periods and sidelong glances from strangers at my "sideburns" were ancient history. For all intents and purposes, I forgot that it was doing something in my body other than preventing pregnancy.
Preventing pregnancy with a pill! What a fucking hoot! But I digress.
Enter The C, and marriage, and my last package of pills. For years we discussed having children, and while The C was ready from the day we met, I seemed to be always waiting for the "right time". Alas, I discovered there was never going to be a perfect time, and we might as well get on with it. I made the arbitrary decision to finish my current stash of birth control (which my mother still seemed to procure for me for free from the nurse at the gyn's office. YES! This nurse!), and that would end one period in my life and thus the commencement of another.
After almost half my life on the pill, I was pill free. For 15 months I was without.
And then I encountered the oxymoronic use of the pill for the second time in my life. For use while I was activly trying to get pregnant. I fucking hate taking the pill this time around. There is no status associated with it here. Each new pack of pills I pop open again signifies to me that my body is abnormal. It reminds me that I have just had another failed cycle. It emphasizes the shittyness of not being able to do two medicated cycles in a row. It points out to me that I only have 6 chances for pregnancy a year. I'm not even sure that hate is a stong enough word...
Last night I took my last BCP for this upcoming cycle. CD1 should be next Monday. I can't even tell you how much I hope I don't have to open another package of those suckers for at least 15 months.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
RE: MY PREVIOUS POST
Thank you guys for your outpooring of support. I know I say it all the time but here I go again: I don't know what I would do without you. This is an amazing community, and I am so fortunate to have found friendship in all of you.
The frustration that was overwhelming me at the beginning of this week was unreal. Blogging about the dissappointment and the impatience really helped me move forward- I got all the negativity out, and am now looking ahead to the next cycle. My recap of my life-as-an-IF-to-date also served to bring some lurkers out of the woodwork. To Ann and Carrie: Nice to meet you. (And to the rest of you: Go visit Ann and Carrie!)
BUT. (There has to be a but, doesn't there? I can't just end this post on a light "I love my community" note, can I?) In your comments alot of you raised some ideas and issues that I want to talk about. Reading your thoughts about my clinic made me stop and wonder if I am aggressive enough with my clinic. And if I wanted to be more aggressive how would I do it without starting to cry while on the phone (I'm often a blubbering baby when I am in an emotinal situation where I have to be assertive. Remember the Great Records Fiasco of 2006?)
So: I want to address a number of points you guys made, give you my perspective, and then I ask that you please share with me how you would have handled the situation.
Problem One: My doctor takes too many vacations.
Ya. That's what I'm thinking at the moment. He took off 2 weeks at Christmas, and now 2 weeks for March Break. It DOESN'T seem like the right thing to do given the line of work that he is in. And I'm certain that his taking vacation probably pissed off at least 2/3 of his clientele. I understand completely about the need for vacations from work-especially for someone who works 14 hours a day, 7 days a week. I understand also that my doctor may have needed a rest period becasue he has been suffering from his own medical problems (that whole he can't speak thing.) So go ahead, doctor, take your time off- but your people should have given me the correct information concerning your time off.
What will I do about Problem One?
- Next time I am at the clinic I will be certain to inquire about other upcoming vacations. I'm sure there will be some time off taken in the summer. It is important that I know about it. (Heck! I can plan my own vacation to coincide!)
- I will tell the nurse and the doctor that I was unhappy that I did not receive all the information (especially seeing as if I had known I could have planned accordingly- my god, I was off by one day!)
Problem Two: I should just change clinics!
I have a love-hate relationship with my clinic. Actually, it's mostly love. When looking for an RE (and the best clinic for us), my research yielded the information that there are 4 clinics in the Mont.real area. One was out of the question (at a hospital, very impersonal service, had heard personal unsatisfactory accounts of treatment there, far from my house, dreadful to find parking there). Another seemed out of the question aswell (primarily French speaking-a big concern for us, far from my house, big size). So we had narrowed it down to two, and went to interview both. We decided for our clinic for the following reasons: it is very close to our house, and The C's work, we loved the atmosphere, we loved the receptionist and nurse, it was very personal (they knew our names from the moment we stepped in the door), we would be dealing with only one doctor and nurse (not doctors on a rotational basis), the doctor preformed all the u/s and procedures himself. In short-we felt really comfortable letting these guys handle the conception of our child. (The clinic that we decided against had much of the same negative points as the other two we nixed.) What I guess we weren't aware of is how a clinic with only one RE ceased to function if the RE took a vacation. I believe that we were under the impression that an alternate doctor would be brought in at these times. This is the SINGLE "hate" aspect of this love-hate relationship. To me, although this issue is huge, it does not outweigh the great things about the clinic enough to make me want to bid them adieu.
What will I do about Problem Two?
- I am going to stay put. We already looked around at our other options and don't think this is a deal-breaker given all the things that we like about the clinic.
- I will raise the fact that I was under the impression that a replacement would be availble during holiday times so that it would not affect our cycling.
- I will reiterate that I am upset that I had missed a cycle due to mis-information, and that this is unacceptable as it could have been avoided.
Problem Three: I should have a CD4 baseline u/s.
Yes! That's what I was hoping... When I called on CD1 (Friday), it was THEN that I was informed that the docotr would only be back at work on my CD4 (Monday). The receptionist told me that it was a possibility that he would see me then for the baseline, and that I should just hold tight and they would let me know on Monday when he was back at work. On Monday when I spoke with the receptionist I was told that she was sorry (as an IF herself, she really understands the disappointment,) but the doctor absolutely positively wants to start my treatment on CD3, not 4. (My protocol is that I start Fem.ara on CD3, so while yes, a baseline can be done on CD4, my treatment has to start on CD3! Of course I can't start treatment without first ahving a look at the ol' overies...) I had some hope over the weekend that I would have been able to start on CD4, as I remember that in my first treatment cycle the doctor did that. I know that when my last cycle failed we discussed about making some small changes, and I guess that's why the doctor was adamant about starting on CD3.
(Just a side note: it was CD6 when I wrote the previous entry, so a CD4 baseline was certainly out of the question by the time this was published!!)
What can I do about Problem Three?
- Ummm... nothing? The doctor made his decision, what can I do?
- Ok-I can do something: ask him why he had to absolutely positively start on CD3. Why couldn't he at least have me come in to see what was up down there, and then make his decision on the treatment? (My insurance covers all my u/s, and medicare covers the visit, so I wouldn't have minded spending the extra mooney for nothing...)
There we have it: my problems that I want to solve, and my proposed ways to address them. (God, I hope I didn't bore you to tears.) Do you guys have any suggestions? Any tips on how to stay calm cool and collected when sticking up for yourself? As always, your input is so greatly appreciated (and desired! and needed!)
Enough rambling! It's Saturday morning and there's work to be done!
The frustration that was overwhelming me at the beginning of this week was unreal. Blogging about the dissappointment and the impatience really helped me move forward- I got all the negativity out, and am now looking ahead to the next cycle. My recap of my life-as-an-IF-to-date also served to bring some lurkers out of the woodwork. To Ann and Carrie: Nice to meet you. (And to the rest of you: Go visit Ann and Carrie!)
BUT. (There has to be a but, doesn't there? I can't just end this post on a light "I love my community" note, can I?) In your comments alot of you raised some ideas and issues that I want to talk about. Reading your thoughts about my clinic made me stop and wonder if I am aggressive enough with my clinic. And if I wanted to be more aggressive how would I do it without starting to cry while on the phone (I'm often a blubbering baby when I am in an emotinal situation where I have to be assertive. Remember the Great Records Fiasco of 2006?)
So: I want to address a number of points you guys made, give you my perspective, and then I ask that you please share with me how you would have handled the situation.
Problem One: My doctor takes too many vacations.
Ya. That's what I'm thinking at the moment. He took off 2 weeks at Christmas, and now 2 weeks for March Break. It DOESN'T seem like the right thing to do given the line of work that he is in. And I'm certain that his taking vacation probably pissed off at least 2/3 of his clientele. I understand completely about the need for vacations from work-especially for someone who works 14 hours a day, 7 days a week. I understand also that my doctor may have needed a rest period becasue he has been suffering from his own medical problems (that whole he can't speak thing.) So go ahead, doctor, take your time off- but your people should have given me the correct information concerning your time off.
What will I do about Problem One?
- Next time I am at the clinic I will be certain to inquire about other upcoming vacations. I'm sure there will be some time off taken in the summer. It is important that I know about it. (Heck! I can plan my own vacation to coincide!)
- I will tell the nurse and the doctor that I was unhappy that I did not receive all the information (especially seeing as if I had known I could have planned accordingly- my god, I was off by one day!)
Problem Two: I should just change clinics!
I have a love-hate relationship with my clinic. Actually, it's mostly love. When looking for an RE (and the best clinic for us), my research yielded the information that there are 4 clinics in the Mont.real area. One was out of the question (at a hospital, very impersonal service, had heard personal unsatisfactory accounts of treatment there, far from my house, dreadful to find parking there). Another seemed out of the question aswell (primarily French speaking-a big concern for us, far from my house, big size). So we had narrowed it down to two, and went to interview both. We decided for our clinic for the following reasons: it is very close to our house, and The C's work, we loved the atmosphere, we loved the receptionist and nurse, it was very personal (they knew our names from the moment we stepped in the door), we would be dealing with only one doctor and nurse (not doctors on a rotational basis), the doctor preformed all the u/s and procedures himself. In short-we felt really comfortable letting these guys handle the conception of our child. (The clinic that we decided against had much of the same negative points as the other two we nixed.) What I guess we weren't aware of is how a clinic with only one RE ceased to function if the RE took a vacation. I believe that we were under the impression that an alternate doctor would be brought in at these times. This is the SINGLE "hate" aspect of this love-hate relationship. To me, although this issue is huge, it does not outweigh the great things about the clinic enough to make me want to bid them adieu.
What will I do about Problem Two?
- I am going to stay put. We already looked around at our other options and don't think this is a deal-breaker given all the things that we like about the clinic.
- I will raise the fact that I was under the impression that a replacement would be availble during holiday times so that it would not affect our cycling.
- I will reiterate that I am upset that I had missed a cycle due to mis-information, and that this is unacceptable as it could have been avoided.
Problem Three: I should have a CD4 baseline u/s.
Yes! That's what I was hoping... When I called on CD1 (Friday), it was THEN that I was informed that the docotr would only be back at work on my CD4 (Monday). The receptionist told me that it was a possibility that he would see me then for the baseline, and that I should just hold tight and they would let me know on Monday when he was back at work. On Monday when I spoke with the receptionist I was told that she was sorry (as an IF herself, she really understands the disappointment,) but the doctor absolutely positively wants to start my treatment on CD3, not 4. (My protocol is that I start Fem.ara on CD3, so while yes, a baseline can be done on CD4, my treatment has to start on CD3! Of course I can't start treatment without first ahving a look at the ol' overies...) I had some hope over the weekend that I would have been able to start on CD4, as I remember that in my first treatment cycle the doctor did that. I know that when my last cycle failed we discussed about making some small changes, and I guess that's why the doctor was adamant about starting on CD3.
(Just a side note: it was CD6 when I wrote the previous entry, so a CD4 baseline was certainly out of the question by the time this was published!!)
What can I do about Problem Three?
- Ummm... nothing? The doctor made his decision, what can I do?
- Ok-I can do something: ask him why he had to absolutely positively start on CD3. Why couldn't he at least have me come in to see what was up down there, and then make his decision on the treatment? (My insurance covers all my u/s, and medicare covers the visit, so I wouldn't have minded spending the extra mooney for nothing...)
There we have it: my problems that I want to solve, and my proposed ways to address them. (God, I hope I didn't bore you to tears.) Do you guys have any suggestions? Any tips on how to stay calm cool and collected when sticking up for yourself? As always, your input is so greatly appreciated (and desired! and needed!)
Enough rambling! It's Saturday morning and there's work to be done!
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
IMPATIENCE IS NO FUCKING VIRTUE
Clever title, eh? Can you tell that I'm in a good mood this week?
I know you're asking, "Ms. C, why are you so impatient?"
Well, folks, it seems that I am not able to conceive. It appears that we know why, and that we have known why for a long, long time (so long, in fact that when that I knew my diagnosis eons before it would even occur to find out if would have any effect on bearing children.) It also appears that I can't seem to get anywhere with my treatment.
A fine recipe for impatience and a whole lot of other yucky feelings.
Let's recap for a moment, shall we...
Rewind 20 years to the first time I got my period. A icky afair that did not reappear for 6 months (a blessing, I thought, at the time).
The appearance of facial hair coupled with irregular cycles produces a diagnosis of "imbalanced hormones" at the age of 16 or so. I am put on "hormones", and later on the pill. When my mother found some info on PCOS, and the doctors poo-poo it. (Hi! Correct self-diagnosis at your service.)
Fast forward a number of years... I meet The C, we date, we have lots of sex, and I am very careless with taking the pill. No pregnancy- no worries! after being together for 8 years we decide it's baby time, and off the pill I go.
3 months: no period. Call gyn, take pro.vera. Still no natural period. Repeat.
Does my gyn send me immediately to RE becasue she is well aware of my history since I'm 16? Noooooo. Let's first play with clo.mid. Oh what fun.
After 2 rounds of scary-mother-fucker-bitch drug I am handed the number to the RE where I am told that the first available appointment is in 7 months. Patience is starting to wane.
15 months into TTC we finally meet with our RE, who laughs (not literally) at the fact that the gyn even attempted to do anything with clo.mid. I waited for this day for so so long, and yet my patience is tested once more as I am told that we have to wait an entire cycle until we can begin treatment. Oh ya, and my PCOS is confirmed. 16 fucking years later.
Our first cycle of Fem.ara and Pure.gon produce some lovely follies. We are sent home to screw, with a negative result. But lo! It's Christmas, and my RE needs a vacation. So patient I must be as I sit out the next cycle.
Deja vu ensues as we are prescibed the same treatment for our second round. Yes, with the homegrown sex. Have patience, says The C, what if we can make a baby naturally? With patience tried, we know now that we can't. And so we move on...
What's this? The RE needs to take another vacation? I must be patient and wait for the next cycle? Ok... I'll be a good girl and time my BCPs to coincide with the RE's return.
Which brings us to this week. When AF arrives I giddily call the clinic to scedule my CD3 appointment. What am I told? The doctor will not be back in the office until my CD4. NO ONE FUCKING TOLD ME HE WOULD BE AWAY FOR 2 WEEKS. It would have been nice to know seeing as I can time my cycles very easily with the BCPs.
What can I say? I have like 1% patience left. The last 20 months have looked like the following: wait, wait, wait, treatment that won't work, wait, treatment that doesn't work, wait, treatment that husband begs me to give another try (but I know won't work), wait, wait.
I know I'm not alone here, but today I'm feeling like I just can't take it anymore. I have many assets, however patience seems to have slipped off the list.
Fucking fuck fuck.
I know you're asking, "Ms. C, why are you so impatient?"
Well, folks, it seems that I am not able to conceive. It appears that we know why, and that we have known why for a long, long time (so long, in fact that when that I knew my diagnosis eons before it would even occur to find out if would have any effect on bearing children.) It also appears that I can't seem to get anywhere with my treatment.
A fine recipe for impatience and a whole lot of other yucky feelings.
Let's recap for a moment, shall we...
Rewind 20 years to the first time I got my period. A icky afair that did not reappear for 6 months (a blessing, I thought, at the time).
The appearance of facial hair coupled with irregular cycles produces a diagnosis of "imbalanced hormones" at the age of 16 or so. I am put on "hormones", and later on the pill. When my mother found some info on PCOS, and the doctors poo-poo it. (Hi! Correct self-diagnosis at your service.)
Fast forward a number of years... I meet The C, we date, we have lots of sex, and I am very careless with taking the pill. No pregnancy- no worries! after being together for 8 years we decide it's baby time, and off the pill I go.
3 months: no period. Call gyn, take pro.vera. Still no natural period. Repeat.
Does my gyn send me immediately to RE becasue she is well aware of my history since I'm 16? Noooooo. Let's first play with clo.mid. Oh what fun.
After 2 rounds of scary-mother-fucker-bitch drug I am handed the number to the RE where I am told that the first available appointment is in 7 months. Patience is starting to wane.
15 months into TTC we finally meet with our RE, who laughs (not literally) at the fact that the gyn even attempted to do anything with clo.mid. I waited for this day for so so long, and yet my patience is tested once more as I am told that we have to wait an entire cycle until we can begin treatment. Oh ya, and my PCOS is confirmed. 16 fucking years later.
Our first cycle of Fem.ara and Pure.gon produce some lovely follies. We are sent home to screw, with a negative result. But lo! It's Christmas, and my RE needs a vacation. So patient I must be as I sit out the next cycle.
Deja vu ensues as we are prescibed the same treatment for our second round. Yes, with the homegrown sex. Have patience, says The C, what if we can make a baby naturally? With patience tried, we know now that we can't. And so we move on...
What's this? The RE needs to take another vacation? I must be patient and wait for the next cycle? Ok... I'll be a good girl and time my BCPs to coincide with the RE's return.
Which brings us to this week. When AF arrives I giddily call the clinic to scedule my CD3 appointment. What am I told? The doctor will not be back in the office until my CD4. NO ONE FUCKING TOLD ME HE WOULD BE AWAY FOR 2 WEEKS. It would have been nice to know seeing as I can time my cycles very easily with the BCPs.
What can I say? I have like 1% patience left. The last 20 months have looked like the following: wait, wait, wait, treatment that won't work, wait, treatment that doesn't work, wait, treatment that husband begs me to give another try (but I know won't work), wait, wait.
I know I'm not alone here, but today I'm feeling like I just can't take it anymore. I have many assets, however patience seems to have slipped off the list.
Fucking fuck fuck.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN
Or something like that.
That's me. I'm way too excited while eating breakfast our first morning. And I don't know what the story is with my two top teeth in this picture-they don't stick out from my lip like that!
I'm home from my Vegas vacation. It was warm and somewhat relaxing, and a good break from the everyday. It was great to get home to sleep in my own bed. I am in love with my bed and usually don't sleep well when I am away.
I have nothing much in the form of words to tell you. The C and I had fun using our new digital camera, so I thought I would post some photos instead of blabbing. Below you will find our faces, so you couple of lurkers from Montreal might recognize us. Which is fine... but it would be nice to meet you as well.
Without further ado: Ms. C and The C's adventure in Vegas...
That's me. I'm way too excited while eating breakfast our first morning. And I don't know what the story is with my two top teeth in this picture-they don't stick out from my lip like that!Now here's The C enjoying a flight of Cab-Sauv. He's a wine snob. But I still love him. Because he told me that one of the wines smelled like raw sewage. He has such a way with words.
A little bit of Hoover.Dam action.
And then some driving and walking through the Valley of Fire:
A trip to Vegas is never complete without a visit to the buffet at Wy.nn. Delicious and beautiful.
Mmm mmm-that's some good gouda!
I am also a triffle obsessed with the design motifs at Wy.nn. Who designed this joint? I want to work with them.
We did a bit of shopping too, but the photos of that are not much fun. Neither are the rest taht I'm showing you. I really don't look like that picture of me. Or maybe I do, and I always thought I looked a little less weird than that.
Back to IF next time my pretties.
Monday, March 05, 2007
OFF FOR A BIT
Vacation. Yay. To Vegas. And we purchased a new digicam yesterday, so I can show you pictures when I return.
Today is CD5, and my third day of BCPs. I called my clinic dutifully on CD1 prepared to beg them to let me cycle even though I would miss 2 monitoring appointments. I was informed that I couldn't cycle due to my doctor's vacation next week. I guess it all works out as I'm certain that they wouldn't have let me cycle without being monitored. But if I wasn't going away and I had to delay my cycle because my doctor was, and I wasn't given any prior warning I would have been pissed to high holy hell. (I suppose this is the single downfall of a tiny clinic, but I was under the impression that there would be a replacement if the doctor took time off.)
The plan: BCPs for 2 weeks to bring on the noise. Seeing as my business starts 7-8 days following my last pill we are looking at CD1 March 26. Which if yields the desired result would have a due date of December 31. Oh ya, and I was told that I will be able to progress to IUI without any argument. Hallelujah.
Until then... much booze and debauchery is to be had in the next 5 days in Vegas.
I wish you all a great week and lookforward to cheking in with you on my return.
Today is CD5, and my third day of BCPs. I called my clinic dutifully on CD1 prepared to beg them to let me cycle even though I would miss 2 monitoring appointments. I was informed that I couldn't cycle due to my doctor's vacation next week. I guess it all works out as I'm certain that they wouldn't have let me cycle without being monitored. But if I wasn't going away and I had to delay my cycle because my doctor was, and I wasn't given any prior warning I would have been pissed to high holy hell. (I suppose this is the single downfall of a tiny clinic, but I was under the impression that there would be a replacement if the doctor took time off.)
The plan: BCPs for 2 weeks to bring on the noise. Seeing as my business starts 7-8 days following my last pill we are looking at CD1 March 26. Which if yields the desired result would have a due date of December 31. Oh ya, and I was told that I will be able to progress to IUI without any argument. Hallelujah.
Until then... much booze and debauchery is to be had in the next 5 days in Vegas.
I wish you all a great week and lookforward to cheking in with you on my return.
Friday, March 02, 2007
GOOD OL' FASHIONED SHABBOS DINNER
A few weeks ago I attended the aufruf of a friend of the family who is getting married in 2 weeks. I am not an avid Shul goer, especially since we left behind the most amazing congregation when we moved to Montreal. But as the only representatvie from my family (my parents were away, my husband had to work, my brother was fetching his kids for their weekend visit) I felt obligated. (More obligated than I feel on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippurp-those are times I go to Shul for myself, not because I am someone invited me to attend with them.) You can imagine that I was less than thrilled (I don't know this shul, there won't be anyone I can sit with, no one to pass me candies when boredom strikes....), but I donned my skirt, heels and smile and went.
Revelation of my lifetime: I enjoyed the service.
And it wouldn't bother me to return. In fact, it was a wonderful introspective way to spend 4 hours of a Saturday morning smack dab in the midst of my 2ww. I didn't have anyone to giggle with. I don't wear a watch so I wasn't constantly checking the time. I followed the service, reading along in Hebrew. I was engrossed in the Rabbi's sermon. And to my surprise, found much pleasure in the entire experience.
Towards the end I was remembering the wonderful Shabbat dinners that The C and I (and Shlomit!!) used to share in our miniature apartment in Toronto. The we would head off for Services and have a wonderful night together. I thought about how much I miss those times because, although The C and I are not very observant Jews, this was the moment in our week where everything else ceased to be important. What was significant was that we were together, as a family (which included Shlomit), and later at services, as part of a community.
I left Shul vowing to make Shabbat important in our lives again. (Important for us. Everyone's definition is different.) I would find my candlesticks that are still in their box from our move two years ago. I would make the trek to the bakery for some delicious challah. (Mel and Sarah, your industriousness inspires me, one day maybe you can teach me to make my own challah.) And I would recreate our old-time dinner (minus Shlomit, but perhaps plus some other family members.) I felt good and I was excited.
My mother beat me to the punch and instead invited us to her house for Shabbat dinner tonight. (Homemade chicken soup and all-I just can't wait!) Since my idea of me making Shabbat willhave to be put off for another two weeks (we will be in Vegas next week), I thought I would share with you:
Ms. C's Old Fashioned Shabbos ('cuz that's how the family from the Old Country pronounce it) Dinner.
Menu
Grilled Salmon (recipe to follow)
Raosted Asparagus
Roasted Sweet Potatoes
Red Wine (because you can't bench over white wine, right Shlomit!)
Ice Cream and Fruit
And something chocolate for good measure
Teriyaki Salmon
6 salmon fillets
2 tbsp teriyaki sauce
1 tbsp lemon juice
1 tbsp brown sugar or honey
1 tsp minced ginger
1 clove garlic
1/2 tsp dijon mustard
Mix all ingredients together in a small bowl and then pour over salmon to marinate. Sometimes I marinate for 30 minutes becasue that's all I have. Sometimes I am organized and marinate overnight.
The salmon is best grilled on the bbq (our favorite method), but can also be cooked in the microwave (8-9 minutes on high, flipping pieces halfway through), or in the oven in a pyrex (Bake at 400F for about 10 minutes).
Serve salmon with asparagus (we toss it with olive oil, salt, pepper and a fresh herb and throw it on the bbq, but it can also be steamed or roasted in the oven), and melt-in-your-mouth sweet potatoes (done in the microwave or in the oven).
Sit with friends and family and enjoy.
Shabbat Shalom to everyone.
(What? You weren't actaully expecting something traditional from me, were you??!!)
(And at the risk of making you fall off your chair by not once mentioning IF in a post, allow me to say this: I can't wait for the day that The C and I can have our dinner with our children.)
Revelation of my lifetime: I enjoyed the service.
And it wouldn't bother me to return. In fact, it was a wonderful introspective way to spend 4 hours of a Saturday morning smack dab in the midst of my 2ww. I didn't have anyone to giggle with. I don't wear a watch so I wasn't constantly checking the time. I followed the service, reading along in Hebrew. I was engrossed in the Rabbi's sermon. And to my surprise, found much pleasure in the entire experience.
Towards the end I was remembering the wonderful Shabbat dinners that The C and I (and Shlomit!!) used to share in our miniature apartment in Toronto. The we would head off for Services and have a wonderful night together. I thought about how much I miss those times because, although The C and I are not very observant Jews, this was the moment in our week where everything else ceased to be important. What was significant was that we were together, as a family (which included Shlomit), and later at services, as part of a community.
I left Shul vowing to make Shabbat important in our lives again. (Important for us. Everyone's definition is different.) I would find my candlesticks that are still in their box from our move two years ago. I would make the trek to the bakery for some delicious challah. (Mel and Sarah, your industriousness inspires me, one day maybe you can teach me to make my own challah.) And I would recreate our old-time dinner (minus Shlomit, but perhaps plus some other family members.) I felt good and I was excited.
My mother beat me to the punch and instead invited us to her house for Shabbat dinner tonight. (Homemade chicken soup and all-I just can't wait!) Since my idea of me making Shabbat willhave to be put off for another two weeks (we will be in Vegas next week), I thought I would share with you:
Ms. C's Old Fashioned Shabbos ('cuz that's how the family from the Old Country pronounce it) Dinner.
Menu
Grilled Salmon (recipe to follow)
Raosted Asparagus
Roasted Sweet Potatoes
Red Wine (because you can't bench over white wine, right Shlomit!)
Ice Cream and Fruit
And something chocolate for good measure
Teriyaki Salmon
6 salmon fillets
2 tbsp teriyaki sauce
1 tbsp lemon juice
1 tbsp brown sugar or honey
1 tsp minced ginger
1 clove garlic
1/2 tsp dijon mustard
Mix all ingredients together in a small bowl and then pour over salmon to marinate. Sometimes I marinate for 30 minutes becasue that's all I have. Sometimes I am organized and marinate overnight.
The salmon is best grilled on the bbq (our favorite method), but can also be cooked in the microwave (8-9 minutes on high, flipping pieces halfway through), or in the oven in a pyrex (Bake at 400F for about 10 minutes).
Serve salmon with asparagus (we toss it with olive oil, salt, pepper and a fresh herb and throw it on the bbq, but it can also be steamed or roasted in the oven), and melt-in-your-mouth sweet potatoes (done in the microwave or in the oven).
Sit with friends and family and enjoy.
Shabbat Shalom to everyone.
(What? You weren't actaully expecting something traditional from me, were you??!!)
(And at the risk of making you fall off your chair by not once mentioning IF in a post, allow me to say this: I can't wait for the day that The C and I can have our dinner with our children.)
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
OH WELL
First sign of spotting was Monday night.
I'm still spotting this morning-my flow has graced me with full flow yet. Period limbo, alright.
I'm not that upset, fortunately. I had already come to terms with this outcome and was looking ahead to the next cycle. Which who knows when I will get to start*.
Because we're going to Vegas on Monday! Woo hoo!
I suppose there-in lies my silver lining. All the frozen alcoholized pink lemonade slushies my heart desires will be mine! ALL MINE. From dawn til the wee hours of the night! Watch out bartentder at the MGM/NY NY walkway entrance bar - HERE I COME!
I know! I know! What a fucking awesome perk! All you girls out there who are pregnant must be so jealous! Ok, maybe I am a little more upset than I am letting on.
*I have to wait for full flow to call my clinic to announce my return. And they will be so thrilled to see me! But... if I'm away for 5 days I wonder if they will let me cycle without being monitored. I'd really only be missing 2 monitoring days, and I pretty much know how my body responds to the pathetically low dose of Pur.egon I pump into it. However, regardless of my vacation, they may make me do 2 week stint of BCPs just to let my wonderful ovaries rest for a few weeks. Which would bring my next cycle's start to the end of March.
I'm still spotting this morning-my flow has graced me with full flow yet. Period limbo, alright.
I'm not that upset, fortunately. I had already come to terms with this outcome and was looking ahead to the next cycle. Which who knows when I will get to start*.
Because we're going to Vegas on Monday! Woo hoo!
I suppose there-in lies my silver lining. All the frozen alcoholized pink lemonade slushies my heart desires will be mine! ALL MINE. From dawn til the wee hours of the night! Watch out bartentder at the MGM/NY NY walkway entrance bar - HERE I COME!
I know! I know! What a fucking awesome perk! All you girls out there who are pregnant must be so jealous! Ok, maybe I am a little more upset than I am letting on.
*I have to wait for full flow to call my clinic to announce my return. And they will be so thrilled to see me! But... if I'm away for 5 days I wonder if they will let me cycle without being monitored. I'd really only be missing 2 monitoring days, and I pretty much know how my body responds to the pathetically low dose of Pur.egon I pump into it. However, regardless of my vacation, they may make me do 2 week stint of BCPs just to let my wonderful ovaries rest for a few weeks. Which would bring my next cycle's start to the end of March.
Friday, February 23, 2007
HALF WAY THERE
First order of business: Mazel Tov to Beth and Himself on the birth of Leah Catherine. If you don't want to cry, then I warn you: do not click.
Today marks 8DPO.
Other than the sore boobs (on which we have a concensous that their cause is ovulation) I have nothing in the vicinity of symptoms to report. Oh, andI'm exhausted (but let's attribute that to not sleeping!)
Un-e-vent-ful. Yes siree bob.
I wish this cycle would hurry up and end so that I can start my BCPs and prepare for the next one. Yes. I am completely positive that this time is a no-go. I'm not being a pessimist-just a realist. There is no way anything would want to grow in me with the mood I have been in and behaviour I have exhibited over the past week and a half. It's ok, I understand. So let's just hurry up and get on with it, already.
In other news there is no other news. It's Friday and I have yet to have a baby-related encounter, so it seems that I have broken that spell. Phew!! Though I have to say that the baby-related project that I am working on for last weeks's client is cuter than cute. One day I hope to make something like it for my newborn. One day... One day...
Tonight my neices (ages 8 and 10) are coming to sleep over and hang out all day tomorrow. I'm excited- they are so delicious, and will be a fun distraction. I love playing games with them, and they love to tell jokes and make up riddles. They always keep me laughing. I'm glad they're "old"; They were born at a time when the idea of children used to make The C and I laugh so hard that beer came out our noses.
Hey! I don't want to be a downer so I'm trying to think of things to post about while I wait out the rest of this 2ww. I'm taking suggestions for posts. I never did the weird thing about me tag-anyone interested in hearing about that? Or Mel's 2007 tag- something that I promised I would do in my previous 2ww. Which was in December! Wow! I can't believe it's almost March- where does the time go? That was rhetorical-you don't have to answer that. What you are assigned to do is propose some topics of blogging to me. So get on it!
(End of February, eh? buh-bye 2007 baby hopes.)
Today marks 8DPO.
Other than the sore boobs (on which we have a concensous that their cause is ovulation) I have nothing in the vicinity of symptoms to report. Oh, andI'm exhausted (but let's attribute that to not sleeping!)
Un-e-vent-ful. Yes siree bob.
I wish this cycle would hurry up and end so that I can start my BCPs and prepare for the next one. Yes. I am completely positive that this time is a no-go. I'm not being a pessimist-just a realist. There is no way anything would want to grow in me with the mood I have been in and behaviour I have exhibited over the past week and a half. It's ok, I understand. So let's just hurry up and get on with it, already.
In other news there is no other news. It's Friday and I have yet to have a baby-related encounter, so it seems that I have broken that spell. Phew!! Though I have to say that the baby-related project that I am working on for last weeks's client is cuter than cute. One day I hope to make something like it for my newborn. One day... One day...
Tonight my neices (ages 8 and 10) are coming to sleep over and hang out all day tomorrow. I'm excited- they are so delicious, and will be a fun distraction. I love playing games with them, and they love to tell jokes and make up riddles. They always keep me laughing. I'm glad they're "old"; They were born at a time when the idea of children used to make The C and I laugh so hard that beer came out our noses.
Hey! I don't want to be a downer so I'm trying to think of things to post about while I wait out the rest of this 2ww. I'm taking suggestions for posts. I never did the weird thing about me tag-anyone interested in hearing about that? Or Mel's 2007 tag- something that I promised I would do in my previous 2ww. Which was in December! Wow! I can't believe it's almost March- where does the time go? That was rhetorical-you don't have to answer that. What you are assigned to do is propose some topics of blogging to me. So get on it!
(End of February, eh? buh-bye 2007 baby hopes.)
Monday, February 19, 2007
ALL AND SUNDRY
Or something like that.
I don't have much in the area of spectacularity to add to the blogging world these days. Yhis post will take the form of mini-topics as that's all I that I have to say.
Topic 1: Why my RE can't talk
In short: I don't know why. We were told at our first appointment in October (that's 4 months ago) that he had laryngitis. Which he apparently has yet to recover from. I think that there's obviously something more wrong. I have a number of feelings on this matter. First, as frustrating as it is for me not to have immediate feedback from him (I have to get the nurse in the room if I want to get any meaty info), it must be 1000 times more frustrating for him. Next, he is a wonderful doctor providing wonderful results for so many of his patients, yet he can't seem to fix what is wrong within himself. Finally, while sometimes I wish I were able to have more discussions with him directly, I found the one time that we had another docotr sit in on my ultrasound completely unnerving because he kept talking. I have become used to my efficient, silent wandings, and think that I like them. Life's funny that way: I adjusted to something I had no control of...
Topic 2: Yes, LutC, apparently I am capable of having more than one meltdown per cycle
Lut commented on my last post saying that I was doing pretty well if I freaked out only once per cycle. On suturday night I successfully upped that number to two. And I mean major freak-o-rama ville. Something completely unIF-related (asking my husband what setting he changed on my computer, and having him not give me a satisfactory answer,) became strictly about how fucked up and inadequate I am. I know! That's a big leap! But I was able the make a connection! Yelling, screaming, sobbing and hyperventalating ensued. And as usual, The C did not exactly know the right way to comfort me. I know if makes him sad to see me like this, but he doesn't always know how to help.
Topic 3: Hey! Great idea!
Maybe in some post in the near future I will invite you to give feedback on what we wish our partners would say and do when we are in such a state. But then again... I don't know... do any of you have perfect husbands who always know the right thing to say?
Topic 4: Fridays are baby days
This will be hard to do without revealing my line of work but I will give it a shot. (If I reveal my line of work anyone will be within steps of finding out my identity. Which of course I don't mind you guys knowing, but I would't want my clients to stuble here...) My industry is special events, and I deal mostly with weddings. The other day I got a call from a woman (referred to me by my aunt) who was looking for something baby-related. I didn't refuse the job becasue 1-this woman knows my aunt, and that was nice of my aunt to send her my way; and 2-I'm self-employed, so I take all the work I can get because I never know when the next job is coming. The clincher- she wanted me to come to her (my clients always come to me) because she didn't want to take her baby out. Which I understand, of course. So there I went into a baby-environment for the second Friday in a row. Granted, there was only one baby, and she was very premature (she's only 5.5lbs at 5 weeks), so I had great empathy and admiration for the mother, but still... how I wish that baby was mine!
Topic 5: The problem with sleep
I haven't been able to sleep for days (maybe verging on weeks.) I don't know why. My back is alwys hurting, I'm never comfortable, always too hot or too cold, The C to close or too far. So I lie awake and think, or have very light dreams that seem so close to being real. And I'm tired everyday.
Topic 5: 5DPO
Amidst my fit the other night it occurred to me that there is no way tha this cycle is going to work. What baby would want to grow in this pathetic environment anyways? (I know-enough of the slef-pity already!) So I'm pretty convinced on that front. Except that my nipples are hurting. But, of course, they hurt last cycle too. I am convinced that prior to starting injectibles I have never ovulated in my life. So maybe if I was normal my boobs hurting like this would be considered a PMS symptom. Can someone shed some light on this for me?
And in conclusion: Happy Monday to you all.
I don't have much in the area of spectacularity to add to the blogging world these days. Yhis post will take the form of mini-topics as that's all I that I have to say.
Topic 1: Why my RE can't talk
In short: I don't know why. We were told at our first appointment in October (that's 4 months ago) that he had laryngitis. Which he apparently has yet to recover from. I think that there's obviously something more wrong. I have a number of feelings on this matter. First, as frustrating as it is for me not to have immediate feedback from him (I have to get the nurse in the room if I want to get any meaty info), it must be 1000 times more frustrating for him. Next, he is a wonderful doctor providing wonderful results for so many of his patients, yet he can't seem to fix what is wrong within himself. Finally, while sometimes I wish I were able to have more discussions with him directly, I found the one time that we had another docotr sit in on my ultrasound completely unnerving because he kept talking. I have become used to my efficient, silent wandings, and think that I like them. Life's funny that way: I adjusted to something I had no control of...
Topic 2: Yes, LutC, apparently I am capable of having more than one meltdown per cycle
Lut commented on my last post saying that I was doing pretty well if I freaked out only once per cycle. On suturday night I successfully upped that number to two. And I mean major freak-o-rama ville. Something completely unIF-related (asking my husband what setting he changed on my computer, and having him not give me a satisfactory answer,) became strictly about how fucked up and inadequate I am. I know! That's a big leap! But I was able the make a connection! Yelling, screaming, sobbing and hyperventalating ensued. And as usual, The C did not exactly know the right way to comfort me. I know if makes him sad to see me like this, but he doesn't always know how to help.
Topic 3: Hey! Great idea!
Maybe in some post in the near future I will invite you to give feedback on what we wish our partners would say and do when we are in such a state. But then again... I don't know... do any of you have perfect husbands who always know the right thing to say?
Topic 4: Fridays are baby days
This will be hard to do without revealing my line of work but I will give it a shot. (If I reveal my line of work anyone will be within steps of finding out my identity. Which of course I don't mind you guys knowing, but I would't want my clients to stuble here...) My industry is special events, and I deal mostly with weddings. The other day I got a call from a woman (referred to me by my aunt) who was looking for something baby-related. I didn't refuse the job becasue 1-this woman knows my aunt, and that was nice of my aunt to send her my way; and 2-I'm self-employed, so I take all the work I can get because I never know when the next job is coming. The clincher- she wanted me to come to her (my clients always come to me) because she didn't want to take her baby out. Which I understand, of course. So there I went into a baby-environment for the second Friday in a row. Granted, there was only one baby, and she was very premature (she's only 5.5lbs at 5 weeks), so I had great empathy and admiration for the mother, but still... how I wish that baby was mine!
Topic 5: The problem with sleep
I haven't been able to sleep for days (maybe verging on weeks.) I don't know why. My back is alwys hurting, I'm never comfortable, always too hot or too cold, The C to close or too far. So I lie awake and think, or have very light dreams that seem so close to being real. And I'm tired everyday.
Topic 5: 5DPO
Amidst my fit the other night it occurred to me that there is no way tha this cycle is going to work. What baby would want to grow in this pathetic environment anyways? (I know-enough of the slef-pity already!) So I'm pretty convinced on that front. Except that my nipples are hurting. But, of course, they hurt last cycle too. I am convinced that prior to starting injectibles I have never ovulated in my life. So maybe if I was normal my boobs hurting like this would be considered a PMS symptom. Can someone shed some light on this for me?
And in conclusion: Happy Monday to you all.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
CD15 AND ALL IS WELL
... I guess.
I triggered this morning at 10:10. Two juicy follicles are present on my left side: 18mm and 18.5mm. Lining at 8.5mm. So all is well.
This cycle was pretty uneventful. I thought the increase in Fem.ara and Pur.egon would speed up the process, but I am only triggering one day ahead of last cycle. Ovulation is to occur tomorow night (or thereabouts). A CD16 O is not too shabby for an annovulatory chick, I suppose. I tell you: I can't wait to O, becasue, MAN, I can FEEL the follicles on my left side! It's amazing and uncomfortable all rolled up in one!
While the cycle was uneventful physically, emotionally I seemed to have brought out the big guns. I was pretty upset about Friday's visit to the babycafe, and I suffered the whole weekend long. My angst was brought to a head on Sunday night when I freaked out about the bullshit of IF, the shittiness of what PCO.S does to my body and the emotional effects that both are having on me. I sobbed for about three hours. I don't want to get back into it here, it's just too depressing. I just know that you guys "understand". It occured to me that once every medicated cycle I have a major freak out. Hormones, stress, pressure, hope, fear? I don't know. But it ain't pretty.
Et maintenant, la two week wait ce commence. Must plan stuff to keep myself busy. Anyone have any suggestions?
I triggered this morning at 10:10. Two juicy follicles are present on my left side: 18mm and 18.5mm. Lining at 8.5mm. So all is well.
This cycle was pretty uneventful. I thought the increase in Fem.ara and Pur.egon would speed up the process, but I am only triggering one day ahead of last cycle. Ovulation is to occur tomorow night (or thereabouts). A CD16 O is not too shabby for an annovulatory chick, I suppose. I tell you: I can't wait to O, becasue, MAN, I can FEEL the follicles on my left side! It's amazing and uncomfortable all rolled up in one!
While the cycle was uneventful physically, emotionally I seemed to have brought out the big guns. I was pretty upset about Friday's visit to the babycafe, and I suffered the whole weekend long. My angst was brought to a head on Sunday night when I freaked out about the bullshit of IF, the shittiness of what PCO.S does to my body and the emotional effects that both are having on me. I sobbed for about three hours. I don't want to get back into it here, it's just too depressing. I just know that you guys "understand". It occured to me that once every medicated cycle I have a major freak out. Hormones, stress, pressure, hope, fear? I don't know. But it ain't pretty.
Et maintenant, la two week wait ce commence. Must plan stuff to keep myself busy. Anyone have any suggestions?
Saturday, February 10, 2007
HITTING ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS
The past while I feel like I've been handling other peoples' baby stuff pretty well. Much better than I was in July and August when I got a torrent of pregnancy announcements. Recently those pregnancies have produced, umm, babies (thank God for healthy babies), and I am actually feeling ok.
Maybe it's because I haven't met any of the babies, maybe because I'm cycling right now, maybe it's because I have grown as a person (though I wouldn't put too much weight on that one.)
In all this okay-ness, yesterday I experienced a relapse.
My wonderful friend gave birth last week to her second little girl. My friend claims she has everything she needs-enough blankies, enough rattles, and cetainly enough pink onesies that the little one will grow out of faster than we can blink. (She was going batty with the all the gifts from her first baby, and had so much stuff that she never even used. Now she's got her chance, but people like to buy gifts, and she's still getting more!) So yes, I could have run into The G.ap and picked up the cutest little newborn extravagant gift possible, but I knew this would not cut it in the category of thoughtful baby gift from best friend. So instead I decided to order a pair of these. Man they are so delish. And certainly not something that can be handed down from baby's older sister. (If you need a gift, go to it. Support the commerce in my community!)
This product is made by a woman working at home. I thought the process would be simple. Email lady the baby's name, run over to her house to pick up shoes. Um. No. She preferred I picked up my merchandise at a local cafe that just opened. A cafe dedicated to mothers and babies. Star.bucks meets Gym.boree, meets Nail Salon, meets Yoga Studio, meets Natur.al Baby Pro.duct Boutique. All very modern, all very cool. Pretty much the type of place I would choose to hang out in, ummm, should I have the appropriate, er, accessory.
I took a deep breath and opened the door (and helped a woman with her stroller). It was first thing in the morning, so mercifully there were only 2 babies present. I enquired about my product, and was told that the woman who runs the boutique would not be in for another half an hour. Now, I DO NOT KNOW WHAT COMPELLED ME TO DO THIS, but I parked my butt on a chic leather sofa and decided to wait. I suppose in the same way one can't avert one's eyes when passing a car crash.
Throughout my half hour wait women arrived with their children. Pregnant women arrived with their babies. (Yes! Women who have obvioulsy been blessed twice in the time that I have been trying for one!) The owner told me all about their services and programs. Little ones toddled up to me and giggled. It was wonderful to see all this in a coffeshop, but it was tearing me up inside. It was some kind of cruel joke asking me to step into this place. I was just about at the point of letting the tears flow when the woman I had been waiting for walked through the door.
The rest of the day was a disaster for me. I couldn't work, I couldn't function. Just when I thought I was getting somewhere, a tons of bricks fell out of the sky and landed on my chest. It is so not ok that other people keep having babies and that I can't.
Maybe it's because I haven't met any of the babies, maybe because I'm cycling right now, maybe it's because I have grown as a person (though I wouldn't put too much weight on that one.)
In all this okay-ness, yesterday I experienced a relapse.
My wonderful friend gave birth last week to her second little girl. My friend claims she has everything she needs-enough blankies, enough rattles, and cetainly enough pink onesies that the little one will grow out of faster than we can blink. (She was going batty with the all the gifts from her first baby, and had so much stuff that she never even used. Now she's got her chance, but people like to buy gifts, and she's still getting more!) So yes, I could have run into The G.ap and picked up the cutest little newborn extravagant gift possible, but I knew this would not cut it in the category of thoughtful baby gift from best friend. So instead I decided to order a pair of these. Man they are so delish. And certainly not something that can be handed down from baby's older sister. (If you need a gift, go to it. Support the commerce in my community!)
This product is made by a woman working at home. I thought the process would be simple. Email lady the baby's name, run over to her house to pick up shoes. Um. No. She preferred I picked up my merchandise at a local cafe that just opened. A cafe dedicated to mothers and babies. Star.bucks meets Gym.boree, meets Nail Salon, meets Yoga Studio, meets Natur.al Baby Pro.duct Boutique. All very modern, all very cool. Pretty much the type of place I would choose to hang out in, ummm, should I have the appropriate, er, accessory.
I took a deep breath and opened the door (and helped a woman with her stroller). It was first thing in the morning, so mercifully there were only 2 babies present. I enquired about my product, and was told that the woman who runs the boutique would not be in for another half an hour. Now, I DO NOT KNOW WHAT COMPELLED ME TO DO THIS, but I parked my butt on a chic leather sofa and decided to wait. I suppose in the same way one can't avert one's eyes when passing a car crash.
Throughout my half hour wait women arrived with their children. Pregnant women arrived with their babies. (Yes! Women who have obvioulsy been blessed twice in the time that I have been trying for one!) The owner told me all about their services and programs. Little ones toddled up to me and giggled. It was wonderful to see all this in a coffeshop, but it was tearing me up inside. It was some kind of cruel joke asking me to step into this place. I was just about at the point of letting the tears flow when the woman I had been waiting for walked through the door.
The rest of the day was a disaster for me. I couldn't work, I couldn't function. Just when I thought I was getting somewhere, a tons of bricks fell out of the sky and landed on my chest. It is so not ok that other people keep having babies and that I can't.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
STIRRING THE POT A BIT TOO MUCH
Oy, did I open a can of worms with that last post!
My darling husband reads this blog. As a matter of fact I encourage him to, and he enjoys doing so. He tells me that often my writing here gives him insight into how I am feeling when I am unable to verbalize in conversation. I have found in the past that it has really helped when I don't know how to broach a topic with him. He'll read my posts and say "wow, I didn't realize you felt that way, let's talk a bit about that."
Well, I did not anticipate the reaction I received from The C when he read my plea for IUI, and all your comments on the matter. Rather than him turning to me and saying "Oh honey, now I totally get why you want to do the IUI," and have hearts and roses fall from the sky into my lap, he turned to me and said: "You are so off the mark."
Holy support, batman. Thanks, partner in life, this is totally what I was expecting from you.
Though he refuted all the arguments that I gave in the post, and basically laughed at the support you guys gave me*, when we talked (ahem, argued, cried, etc...) more about the issue I was able to distill that The C believes the following:
-That it is highly likely that we will conceive on our own, if we just give it enough chances
-That he thinks that conceiving in stirrups is wildly unromantic
-That his sperm count is not low at 20 million (like a D- is still a pass on a test)
-That he thinks that my argument that doing IUI this time because it will increase our chances of conception is "flaky" (yes he used the word flaky) at best
-That he thinks that I handle doing my injections pretty well as it doesn't seem to faze me
Now, typing all this makes my husband seem like an asshole with a cherry on top. Hence all the anger in our conversation. Once we calmed down and revisited the issue, I realized that what he really felt was the following:
-That he is not quite ready to give up on a natural conception, but he knows that he has to face the music on this
-That should we move to IUI he will be right there beside me, and he will still be present at our baby's conception
-That he knows how difficult it is for me to shoot up and have my vaj probed
-That his sperm count is normal, because 20 million is still normal (umm, see that one hasn't changed...)
And plus two other big things:
-That he is so very concerned about how I will react should we have another negative cycle. He thinks that if we try naturally I will be less devestated by the outcome than if we invest our all in IUI. This struck me as incredibly sensitive. I think that by him saying that he was worried how I would feel he was also telling me he was worried about how he would feel.
-That The C, who never talks about "plans", and likes to fly by the seat of his pants (ie: why discuss what to make for dinner... let's just wait till we are standing in front of the stove and genius strikes!) actually had a plan in mind when we started this cycle. His plan: one more natural kick at the can (yes that's what all the cool kids call it) before we move on. Plans are great. I just wish he had chosen to discuss the plan he had for us before we embarked on the cycle. When I poked around the question of why on earth he didn't share this plan with me sooner if he felt this way, I was met with a "because you always do what you want anyways." Low blow, but also mostly true.
So. I am not going to do what I want to do. Someone else in this relationship also had a plan. And I'm thankful that he shared it with me so that we could do what works best in a relationship: compromise.
I am hoping beyond hope that we conceive a baby in our bedroom in a moment of extreme passion. And that we don't have to fall back on my plan.
*Please, please, please, with sugar on top do not let this ever discourage you from commenting and being honest with me. This is MY blog, and I need you guys.
My darling husband reads this blog. As a matter of fact I encourage him to, and he enjoys doing so. He tells me that often my writing here gives him insight into how I am feeling when I am unable to verbalize in conversation. I have found in the past that it has really helped when I don't know how to broach a topic with him. He'll read my posts and say "wow, I didn't realize you felt that way, let's talk a bit about that."
Well, I did not anticipate the reaction I received from The C when he read my plea for IUI, and all your comments on the matter. Rather than him turning to me and saying "Oh honey, now I totally get why you want to do the IUI," and have hearts and roses fall from the sky into my lap, he turned to me and said: "You are so off the mark."
Holy support, batman. Thanks, partner in life, this is totally what I was expecting from you.
Though he refuted all the arguments that I gave in the post, and basically laughed at the support you guys gave me*, when we talked (ahem, argued, cried, etc...) more about the issue I was able to distill that The C believes the following:
-That it is highly likely that we will conceive on our own, if we just give it enough chances
-That he thinks that conceiving in stirrups is wildly unromantic
-That his sperm count is not low at 20 million (like a D- is still a pass on a test)
-That he thinks that my argument that doing IUI this time because it will increase our chances of conception is "flaky" (yes he used the word flaky) at best
-That he thinks that I handle doing my injections pretty well as it doesn't seem to faze me
Now, typing all this makes my husband seem like an asshole with a cherry on top. Hence all the anger in our conversation. Once we calmed down and revisited the issue, I realized that what he really felt was the following:
-That he is not quite ready to give up on a natural conception, but he knows that he has to face the music on this
-That should we move to IUI he will be right there beside me, and he will still be present at our baby's conception
-That he knows how difficult it is for me to shoot up and have my vaj probed
-That his sperm count is normal, because 20 million is still normal (umm, see that one hasn't changed...)
And plus two other big things:
-That he is so very concerned about how I will react should we have another negative cycle. He thinks that if we try naturally I will be less devestated by the outcome than if we invest our all in IUI. This struck me as incredibly sensitive. I think that by him saying that he was worried how I would feel he was also telling me he was worried about how he would feel.
-That The C, who never talks about "plans", and likes to fly by the seat of his pants (ie: why discuss what to make for dinner... let's just wait till we are standing in front of the stove and genius strikes!) actually had a plan in mind when we started this cycle. His plan: one more natural kick at the can (yes that's what all the cool kids call it) before we move on. Plans are great. I just wish he had chosen to discuss the plan he had for us before we embarked on the cycle. When I poked around the question of why on earth he didn't share this plan with me sooner if he felt this way, I was met with a "because you always do what you want anyways." Low blow, but also mostly true.
So. I am not going to do what I want to do. Someone else in this relationship also had a plan. And I'm thankful that he shared it with me so that we could do what works best in a relationship: compromise.
I am hoping beyond hope that we conceive a baby in our bedroom in a moment of extreme passion. And that we don't have to fall back on my plan.
*Please, please, please, with sugar on top do not let this ever discourage you from commenting and being honest with me. This is MY blog, and I need you guys.
Monday, February 05, 2007
ONWARDS AND UPWARDS
Or hopefully onwards and outwards. (As in my belly. And not because I eat too much ice cream.)
Not much to report in the corner of the world occupied by Ms. C and The C. We have started our next cycle. (And by we, I mean we. Because that half tablet of Clomid that The C eats nightly is proving to have no side effects.) So far I have injested 4 days of 5mg of Fe.mara, and have shot up 2 doses of 25IU of Pur.egon.
Not much of a change from last cycle, just a bit of upping of the doses. Last cycle saw 2.5 mg of Fe.mara for 5 days, and 20IU of Pur.egon for 10 days. Then I triggered on CD16.
To make a long story short, TWBD was pleased as punch with my response to the meds last cycle, but is upping the dosage in order to attempt to shorten the cycle. I am satisfied with this.
When I pushed to see whether or not he would recommend IUI this time round, he told us (told being used very losely as this man still does not speak!) that he doesn't see why we would necessarily need to do it, he thinks that we can do it on our own. When pressed further, the nurse told us that if that's what we really want then of course they would not deny us an IUI. In order to not seem too contrary I asked if we can revisit this around the time of trigger, and the nurse and doctor assured me that yes, we can decide then.
The only thing with this IUI/no IUI thing is that I am getting some opposition from The C. Because the doctor says so, my wonderful husband does not see any reason that we should not try naturally (ie: sex) again this cycle. Look, I understand that most couples do not get pregnant their first cycle trying, so I can forgive the fact that we didn't get pregnant last cycle, and I am trying very hard to not blame it on the fact that we just had sex the old fashioned way after all the effort we went to get me to produce follicles and then to ovulate.
BUT. There are a few issues.
The first is that we are not a normal couple trying to conceive normally and naturally. Oh no, we are pretty much well beyond that! Add that to the fact that it is really tough on me taking all these drugs (as someone who is not ordinarily one who takes medication of any sort). And the fact that the meds do funky shit to my body. And that they cost a boatload of cash. And to the time that it takes to go in for all the monitoring appointments. I am by no means an avid economist, but I do understand the notion of return on investment. I am devoting so much financially, emotionally and physically in this project, that I can't help but want to put in that little extra bit in the end (the IUI) to give us the best chances.
I know the bulk of you agree. We have all been through or are going through this. But the questions remains on how I get The C to understand that I want to give us the best chances possible. That this isn't a game. I am prepping myself for two weeks in order to get ready for his sperm, and I don't want to just shoot in the dark. I know it's not romantic. I gave up on the whole idea of romance making a baby about a year ago. What I don't get is how on earth, after all this time, my husband still believes.
Not much to report in the corner of the world occupied by Ms. C and The C. We have started our next cycle. (And by we, I mean we. Because that half tablet of Clomid that The C eats nightly is proving to have no side effects.) So far I have injested 4 days of 5mg of Fe.mara, and have shot up 2 doses of 25IU of Pur.egon.
Not much of a change from last cycle, just a bit of upping of the doses. Last cycle saw 2.5 mg of Fe.mara for 5 days, and 20IU of Pur.egon for 10 days. Then I triggered on CD16.
To make a long story short, TWBD was pleased as punch with my response to the meds last cycle, but is upping the dosage in order to attempt to shorten the cycle. I am satisfied with this.
When I pushed to see whether or not he would recommend IUI this time round, he told us (told being used very losely as this man still does not speak!) that he doesn't see why we would necessarily need to do it, he thinks that we can do it on our own. When pressed further, the nurse told us that if that's what we really want then of course they would not deny us an IUI. In order to not seem too contrary I asked if we can revisit this around the time of trigger, and the nurse and doctor assured me that yes, we can decide then.
The only thing with this IUI/no IUI thing is that I am getting some opposition from The C. Because the doctor says so, my wonderful husband does not see any reason that we should not try naturally (ie: sex) again this cycle. Look, I understand that most couples do not get pregnant their first cycle trying, so I can forgive the fact that we didn't get pregnant last cycle, and I am trying very hard to not blame it on the fact that we just had sex the old fashioned way after all the effort we went to get me to produce follicles and then to ovulate.
BUT. There are a few issues.
The first is that we are not a normal couple trying to conceive normally and naturally. Oh no, we are pretty much well beyond that! Add that to the fact that it is really tough on me taking all these drugs (as someone who is not ordinarily one who takes medication of any sort). And the fact that the meds do funky shit to my body. And that they cost a boatload of cash. And to the time that it takes to go in for all the monitoring appointments. I am by no means an avid economist, but I do understand the notion of return on investment. I am devoting so much financially, emotionally and physically in this project, that I can't help but want to put in that little extra bit in the end (the IUI) to give us the best chances.
I know the bulk of you agree. We have all been through or are going through this. But the questions remains on how I get The C to understand that I want to give us the best chances possible. That this isn't a game. I am prepping myself for two weeks in order to get ready for his sperm, and I don't want to just shoot in the dark. I know it's not romantic. I gave up on the whole idea of romance making a baby about a year ago. What I don't get is how on earth, after all this time, my husband still believes.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN...
Yes, my period. (How's that for a mental image... Ok, moving along.)
Finally, FINALLY today is CD2. As much as I hate my period, I think that I have never been so thrilled to have it show up. Someone asked for a cycle update a few weeks back, and, by george, it's about time I gave it to you.
Let's start with a short recap: my last cycle of Fem.ara/Injectibles (but with s.e.x) ended in failure on December 24. My clinic was closed until January 9, at which point I called and was dealt a 2 week prescription of BCP. I injested my birth control (this notion still freaks me out) for two weeks and then waited out the week for my period to arrive. Et voila. She is here. Tomorrow I go in for my CD3 wanding, and (I hope) a meeting with The World's Best Doctor to strategize for this cycle. I am freakin' excited, scared as shit, and hoping beyond belief all at the same time.
And let me state here for the record: I will not tolerate any suggestion of natural baby making. I. WILL. NOT.
Lest you think that I have not been preoccupied with conception matters for the past 6 weeks, allow me to assure you that we have been busy checking out The C. He had a follow-up appointment with the urologist that included a testicular ultrasound. It was interesting to be in an u's room and to be the one wiht the pants on, let me tell you! Dr. C wanted to check for any abnormalities that could have resulted from The C's undescended testicles he had as a child. We were relieved to find everything to be completely normal. Normal is fantastic, but we are left with no explanation for his borderline sperm counts. (His hormone levels came back within normal ranges too.) Dr. C suggested The C try 25mg of Clo.mid for a few months. (That's half a pill a day.) He is to take it for 25 days, then rest for 5 days, and then continue again. Of course if I get pregnant, he doesn't have to continue.
Now I welcome you to the question segment of this post.
Have any of you/your husbands ever taken Clo.mid?
Have you seen a difference in sperm production?
Have you seen any side effects?
Is this a run of the mill treatment?
Have any of you chosen to not take the Clo.mid once it was presribed?
I haven't read anything on anyone's blog about this, so I'm really wondering. Also Dr. Google is being very stingy with his information. Of course there is tons out there for women on Clo.mid, but not so much for men. Finally, if any of you are concerned about The C turning into an evil Clo.mid bitch like we women tend to, don't fret... that hasn't happened yet!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just want to take this opportunity to send all of you who commented on my last post tons and tons of hugs and support. Your comments meant so much to me. I loved having this forum where everyone was able to share. It made me feel so much more normal. I am in such good hands here. You guys truly rock. And those of you who stopped in to just lend an empathetic ear, thank you for being here.
I know you're dying for a zit update. It is in the healing stages, just a bit of a dark pink mark left on my face. I find when my period comes my face clears up, so today I have no pussy or crusty zits, just spots that are healing. It is a relief to not have any sports that hurt on my face.
Also, you were all so frank when talking about your PCOS symptoms, that I thought I would share a bit more. My last post really turned into a rant about my face, and lest you think my symptoms end there, allow me to correct you. In addition to my acne and stubborn chin hair, and of course my annovulatory cycles my symptoms are as follows: overweight (though I can't contribute that wholly to PCOS, I must take responsibility for the amount of food I put into my digestive tract), thinning hair on my head (thank goodness I had the thickest hair known to man while growing up, for now my hair appears as normal, though the future scares me), skin tags (which I always thought I had inherited from my grandmother), dark arm hair (I have more than my husband), and a patch of hair on the small of my back. I know: an attractive picture. But that's me.
Finally, FINALLY today is CD2. As much as I hate my period, I think that I have never been so thrilled to have it show up. Someone asked for a cycle update a few weeks back, and, by george, it's about time I gave it to you.
Let's start with a short recap: my last cycle of Fem.ara/Injectibles (but with s.e.x) ended in failure on December 24. My clinic was closed until January 9, at which point I called and was dealt a 2 week prescription of BCP. I injested my birth control (this notion still freaks me out) for two weeks and then waited out the week for my period to arrive. Et voila. She is here. Tomorrow I go in for my CD3 wanding, and (I hope) a meeting with The World's Best Doctor to strategize for this cycle. I am freakin' excited, scared as shit, and hoping beyond belief all at the same time.
And let me state here for the record: I will not tolerate any suggestion of natural baby making. I. WILL. NOT.
Lest you think that I have not been preoccupied with conception matters for the past 6 weeks, allow me to assure you that we have been busy checking out The C. He had a follow-up appointment with the urologist that included a testicular ultrasound. It was interesting to be in an u's room and to be the one wiht the pants on, let me tell you! Dr. C wanted to check for any abnormalities that could have resulted from The C's undescended testicles he had as a child. We were relieved to find everything to be completely normal. Normal is fantastic, but we are left with no explanation for his borderline sperm counts. (His hormone levels came back within normal ranges too.) Dr. C suggested The C try 25mg of Clo.mid for a few months. (That's half a pill a day.) He is to take it for 25 days, then rest for 5 days, and then continue again. Of course if I get pregnant, he doesn't have to continue.
Now I welcome you to the question segment of this post.
Have any of you/your husbands ever taken Clo.mid?
Have you seen a difference in sperm production?
Have you seen any side effects?
Is this a run of the mill treatment?
Have any of you chosen to not take the Clo.mid once it was presribed?
I haven't read anything on anyone's blog about this, so I'm really wondering. Also Dr. Google is being very stingy with his information. Of course there is tons out there for women on Clo.mid, but not so much for men. Finally, if any of you are concerned about The C turning into an evil Clo.mid bitch like we women tend to, don't fret... that hasn't happened yet!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just want to take this opportunity to send all of you who commented on my last post tons and tons of hugs and support. Your comments meant so much to me. I loved having this forum where everyone was able to share. It made me feel so much more normal. I am in such good hands here. You guys truly rock. And those of you who stopped in to just lend an empathetic ear, thank you for being here.
I know you're dying for a zit update. It is in the healing stages, just a bit of a dark pink mark left on my face. I find when my period comes my face clears up, so today I have no pussy or crusty zits, just spots that are healing. It is a relief to not have any sports that hurt on my face.
Also, you were all so frank when talking about your PCOS symptoms, that I thought I would share a bit more. My last post really turned into a rant about my face, and lest you think my symptoms end there, allow me to correct you. In addition to my acne and stubborn chin hair, and of course my annovulatory cycles my symptoms are as follows: overweight (though I can't contribute that wholly to PCOS, I must take responsibility for the amount of food I put into my digestive tract), thinning hair on my head (thank goodness I had the thickest hair known to man while growing up, for now my hair appears as normal, though the future scares me), skin tags (which I always thought I had inherited from my grandmother), dark arm hair (I have more than my husband), and a patch of hair on the small of my back. I know: an attractive picture. But that's me.
Monday, January 22, 2007
FUCK YOU, PCOS
Or: You should see the size of this zit on my face.
I don't know why I feel the need to share this with you guys. I have a pimple above my lip to the right that would make a great evil foil to Cindy Crawford's signature mole. Only my puss-filled crusty-topped pocket of disgustingness is situated a little less towards the corner of my mouth, and a triffle more towards the centre. Am I painting a clear enough picture?
I was thinking to post a close-up photo, but decided against it for a variety of reasons. The primary reason is that the batteries in my camera are dead. But even if I was able to get such a delightful shot, I am afraid that posting it (even as a close-up) might compromise my annonymity. Because surely I am the only person on the island of Montreal (yes, Montreal is an island!) that has such an attrocity attached to her face, and if you saw me on the street you would instantly know I was me. Also, I wish not to showcase the other repuslive symptoms of PCOS that display themselves upon my face, namely the wonderous hairs and other pimples in various states of healing. Indeed, my zits like company... I agree that being a lone zit upon a face would be a sad venture. Lastly, actually seeing the zit might cause you to spit up your coffee, or upchuck your lunch, or regurgitate your brekkie all over your keyboard. And I certainly don't want to be responsible for all the damage.
Am I complaining too much? Perhaps so. But I don't think think I have ever used this forum to discuss what PCOS really does to me, other than not let me ovulate. Most days I thank the almighty that I am not one who is overly concerned with my looks. Because if I was I'm certain I would have committed suicide by now. Often I avoid looking at myself too closely in the mirror. I do not want to see all the pimples that cover my face. I do not want to feel ill becasue I have dark hairs sprouting from my chin. I take a grin and bear it attitude and focus on the reason I am subjecting myself to this: so that we can have a baby.
In the grand scheme of IF, the time that we have been trying seems relatively short (18 months). To those who have been trying for 3 years, 4 years, 7 years..., it must seem like I complain alot about how long we have been waiting. For me, not only does every month that goes by signal another month without conception, it indicates another month that I will have to live with the physical manifestations of my PCOS. On days when I can't grin and bear it, when I do look closely in the mirror, when there is a gross pimple that I cannot avoid, when I stop to wonder what my clients are thinking when we are sitting in meetings, I just want to scream FUCK THIS, and go back on the pill and make it all go away. In my 20s I was so sften complimented on my perfect complexion. Now I know that that perfection was horemone-induced, but still some days I want that back.
I know my sympoms are not as bad as they could be. I have read about women who feel they have to shave daily. Perhaps I will look at that as my silver lining: I only ask my husband to tweeze my hairs every week or so. And it's true... I suppose my zits could be worse: they could all be as yucky as the one that instigated my post. And thank goodness I do not feel so down about myself like this everyday, because by god it would be a painful way to live.
I would love to open up my comments today as a place for others to share their symptoms, anger, and ways in which you deal with your PCOS. I would love to hear from you all.
I don't know why I feel the need to share this with you guys. I have a pimple above my lip to the right that would make a great evil foil to Cindy Crawford's signature mole. Only my puss-filled crusty-topped pocket of disgustingness is situated a little less towards the corner of my mouth, and a triffle more towards the centre. Am I painting a clear enough picture?
I was thinking to post a close-up photo, but decided against it for a variety of reasons. The primary reason is that the batteries in my camera are dead. But even if I was able to get such a delightful shot, I am afraid that posting it (even as a close-up) might compromise my annonymity. Because surely I am the only person on the island of Montreal (yes, Montreal is an island!) that has such an attrocity attached to her face, and if you saw me on the street you would instantly know I was me. Also, I wish not to showcase the other repuslive symptoms of PCOS that display themselves upon my face, namely the wonderous hairs and other pimples in various states of healing. Indeed, my zits like company... I agree that being a lone zit upon a face would be a sad venture. Lastly, actually seeing the zit might cause you to spit up your coffee, or upchuck your lunch, or regurgitate your brekkie all over your keyboard. And I certainly don't want to be responsible for all the damage.
Am I complaining too much? Perhaps so. But I don't think think I have ever used this forum to discuss what PCOS really does to me, other than not let me ovulate. Most days I thank the almighty that I am not one who is overly concerned with my looks. Because if I was I'm certain I would have committed suicide by now. Often I avoid looking at myself too closely in the mirror. I do not want to see all the pimples that cover my face. I do not want to feel ill becasue I have dark hairs sprouting from my chin. I take a grin and bear it attitude and focus on the reason I am subjecting myself to this: so that we can have a baby.
In the grand scheme of IF, the time that we have been trying seems relatively short (18 months). To those who have been trying for 3 years, 4 years, 7 years..., it must seem like I complain alot about how long we have been waiting. For me, not only does every month that goes by signal another month without conception, it indicates another month that I will have to live with the physical manifestations of my PCOS. On days when I can't grin and bear it, when I do look closely in the mirror, when there is a gross pimple that I cannot avoid, when I stop to wonder what my clients are thinking when we are sitting in meetings, I just want to scream FUCK THIS, and go back on the pill and make it all go away. In my 20s I was so sften complimented on my perfect complexion. Now I know that that perfection was horemone-induced, but still some days I want that back.
I know my sympoms are not as bad as they could be. I have read about women who feel they have to shave daily. Perhaps I will look at that as my silver lining: I only ask my husband to tweeze my hairs every week or so. And it's true... I suppose my zits could be worse: they could all be as yucky as the one that instigated my post. And thank goodness I do not feel so down about myself like this everyday, because by god it would be a painful way to live.
I would love to open up my comments today as a place for others to share their symptoms, anger, and ways in which you deal with your PCOS. I would love to hear from you all.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
GUESS IT"S ABOUT TIME FOR AN UPDATE, EH?
Egads! Everytime I come to this page so that I can click over to visit you guys I scare myself with how long it's been since I've posted. Fear not, nothing terrible has happened. But nothing too interesting either.
On Monday I was going to make the attempt at writing a completely un-infertility related post. I was going to tell you how hot Jack Bauer makes me, and how thrilled I am to be watching a new season of the hottest dude on tv. Man, the season premier filled me with four wonderful hours of lust. Turning all jiggly here just thinking about it. What does The C think of this rediculous behaviour? You should hear how he purrs when Kim comes on the screen!
Wow. Glad I didn't waste a whole entry talking about that!
Last week, after I exhibited my wares and pimped my product at another trade show, I was going to rant about the attendees of said show. There's not much point in hinding what I do, so let me tell you about the show. I work in the wedding industry, and thus was exhibiting at a bridal show. All the visiotrs were brides and their entourages. Fun! you might say. And it is. Except that in Quebec couples tend to cohabitate and procreate before they get married. Which in theory I do not have a problem with. I am beyond totally fine with this idea, as a matter of fact. But spending two days smiling cheerfully and discussing my products to countless pregnant brides is not what I would call a good time.
(Of ocurse there are plenty of non-pregnant, non-infant-toting brides too. And those invariably are the ones who end up interested in my product. I have yet to sign a client who is pregnant. It is my belief that this is so because I sell a very high-end product, and anyone in their right mind who is expecting would not spend money on such an item. Or maybe it's the vibe I give off...)
Again, not such an interesting topic.
I could make an excuse that I haven't posted in so long because my phone has been ringing off the hook, and I am working like a semi-lunatic. It has, and I have, but it's really not the reason for not posting. (After here I am posting now while the work sits to my left piling and piling.)
People, I'm not quite sure what it is. It could be that nothing much is going on on the cycle front. Do you want an update of that? Leave me a comment, and I would be happy to oblidge. After I pull the pickle from my ass.
PS: While away in my not blagging regularly world, Manuela seems to have gone password protected. Can someone tell me how I can get in touch with her? Thks!
On Monday I was going to make the attempt at writing a completely un-infertility related post. I was going to tell you how hot Jack Bauer makes me, and how thrilled I am to be watching a new season of the hottest dude on tv. Man, the season premier filled me with four wonderful hours of lust. Turning all jiggly here just thinking about it. What does The C think of this rediculous behaviour? You should hear how he purrs when Kim comes on the screen!
Wow. Glad I didn't waste a whole entry talking about that!
Last week, after I exhibited my wares and pimped my product at another trade show, I was going to rant about the attendees of said show. There's not much point in hinding what I do, so let me tell you about the show. I work in the wedding industry, and thus was exhibiting at a bridal show. All the visiotrs were brides and their entourages. Fun! you might say. And it is. Except that in Quebec couples tend to cohabitate and procreate before they get married. Which in theory I do not have a problem with. I am beyond totally fine with this idea, as a matter of fact. But spending two days smiling cheerfully and discussing my products to countless pregnant brides is not what I would call a good time.
(Of ocurse there are plenty of non-pregnant, non-infant-toting brides too. And those invariably are the ones who end up interested in my product. I have yet to sign a client who is pregnant. It is my belief that this is so because I sell a very high-end product, and anyone in their right mind who is expecting would not spend money on such an item. Or maybe it's the vibe I give off...)
Again, not such an interesting topic.
I could make an excuse that I haven't posted in so long because my phone has been ringing off the hook, and I am working like a semi-lunatic. It has, and I have, but it's really not the reason for not posting. (After here I am posting now while the work sits to my left piling and piling.)
People, I'm not quite sure what it is. It could be that nothing much is going on on the cycle front. Do you want an update of that? Leave me a comment, and I would be happy to oblidge. After I pull the pickle from my ass.
PS: While away in my not blagging regularly world, Manuela seems to have gone password protected. Can someone tell me how I can get in touch with her? Thks!
Thursday, January 04, 2007
OH! IT'S 2007?
For the past week or so I have been pondering and over-pondering what I would write for this monumental first post of the New Year. The truth is that I don't feel anything monumental at all. Today, the fourth day after the start of 2007, feels just like any other day.
The whole Christmas and New Years thing has never been significant to me. I don't celebrate the birth of Christ, and my New Year celebration falls sometime in September. Don't get me wrong, it's great to have a couple of daysoff to spend with The C: time to relax and reconnect. We're not party animals, so often the evening of December 31 unfolds just like any other weekend night. We have fun, and are in bed before midnight.
(More significant is my birthday which falls between the two holidays. On this day I often take a bit of time for private reflection. In the past few year I have found that I also take a moment to think about my parents and their excitement that they must have felt on the day I was born, as well as the hard work that my mother put in to bring me into the world. Perhaps it is because my birthday falls at the end of the December that I don't find the start of a new year a momentous time for resolutions and reflections.)
I haven't made any resolutions. My hopes and dreams have not changed since last week, last month, or in the last 17 months. 2006 was not the best year in my life. I struggled with things that I never thought I would have to deal with in a million years. But today I am still having the same struggles. I've said it before, and I will say it again: I am a realist. Realistically speaking I will not bring a baby into my home in 2007. For that I would have to conceive in my next cycle, and well, we all know the chances of a positive outcome...
January 1 marked the start of our 17th month of trying to conceive. Each start of a new month adds another notch in that belt, and I so wish it weren't so. I can't help thinking that if everything had gone as planned we would be holding a 5 month old baby in our arms. (I can do the math... 17-9=8, but let's face it, it could take three months...) It's amazing to me that it can easily be 17+ months before our dreams come true. No matter where I am in my cycle, where we are in the year, where I am in my life, I am consumed with my infertility. There's nothing new and exciting about IF this year, it's still the disgusting fart stinking up my life.
At the risk of being a complete downer about the new year, I can say that 2006 was certainly not the worst of my 32 years. There were highlights, and many things that I am thankful for.
This is as good a time as any (and I will try to do so regularly, because it's just a kind thing to do,) to wish you all much health and happiness, and dreams that come true. Though I don't know most of you personally, you are all important to me and I hold you in a special place in my heart.
C'mon 2007, hit me with your best shot!
The whole Christmas and New Years thing has never been significant to me. I don't celebrate the birth of Christ, and my New Year celebration falls sometime in September. Don't get me wrong, it's great to have a couple of daysoff to spend with The C: time to relax and reconnect. We're not party animals, so often the evening of December 31 unfolds just like any other weekend night. We have fun, and are in bed before midnight.
(More significant is my birthday which falls between the two holidays. On this day I often take a bit of time for private reflection. In the past few year I have found that I also take a moment to think about my parents and their excitement that they must have felt on the day I was born, as well as the hard work that my mother put in to bring me into the world. Perhaps it is because my birthday falls at the end of the December that I don't find the start of a new year a momentous time for resolutions and reflections.)
I haven't made any resolutions. My hopes and dreams have not changed since last week, last month, or in the last 17 months. 2006 was not the best year in my life. I struggled with things that I never thought I would have to deal with in a million years. But today I am still having the same struggles. I've said it before, and I will say it again: I am a realist. Realistically speaking I will not bring a baby into my home in 2007. For that I would have to conceive in my next cycle, and well, we all know the chances of a positive outcome...
January 1 marked the start of our 17th month of trying to conceive. Each start of a new month adds another notch in that belt, and I so wish it weren't so. I can't help thinking that if everything had gone as planned we would be holding a 5 month old baby in our arms. (I can do the math... 17-9=8, but let's face it, it could take three months...) It's amazing to me that it can easily be 17+ months before our dreams come true. No matter where I am in my cycle, where we are in the year, where I am in my life, I am consumed with my infertility. There's nothing new and exciting about IF this year, it's still the disgusting fart stinking up my life.
At the risk of being a complete downer about the new year, I can say that 2006 was certainly not the worst of my 32 years. There were highlights, and many things that I am thankful for.
This is as good a time as any (and I will try to do so regularly, because it's just a kind thing to do,) to wish you all much health and happiness, and dreams that come true. Though I don't know most of you personally, you are all important to me and I hold you in a special place in my heart.
C'mon 2007, hit me with your best shot!
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