FUCK YOU, PCOS

Or: You should see the size of this zit on my face.

I don't know why I feel the need to share this with you guys. I have a pimple above my lip to the right that would make a great evil foil to Cindy Crawford's signature mole. Only my puss-filled crusty-topped pocket of disgustingness is situated a little less towards the corner of my mouth, and a triffle more towards the centre. Am I painting a clear enough picture?

I was thinking to post a close-up photo, but decided against it for a variety of reasons. The primary reason is that the batteries in my camera are dead. But even if I was able to get such a delightful shot, I am afraid that posting it (even as a close-up) might compromise my annonymity. Because surely I am the only person on the island of Montreal (yes, Montreal is an island!) that has such an attrocity attached to her face, and if you saw me on the street you would instantly know I was me. Also, I wish not to showcase the other repuslive symptoms of PCOS that display themselves upon my face, namely the wonderous hairs and other pimples in various states of healing. Indeed, my zits like company... I agree that being a lone zit upon a face would be a sad venture. Lastly, actually seeing the zit might cause you to spit up your coffee, or upchuck your lunch, or regurgitate your brekkie all over your keyboard. And I certainly don't want to be responsible for all the damage.

Am I complaining too much? Perhaps so. But I don't think think I have ever used this forum to discuss what PCOS really does to me, other than not let me ovulate. Most days I thank the almighty that I am not one who is overly concerned with my looks. Because if I was I'm certain I would have committed suicide by now. Often I avoid looking at myself too closely in the mirror. I do not want to see all the pimples that cover my face. I do not want to feel ill becasue I have dark hairs sprouting from my chin. I take a grin and bear it attitude and focus on the reason I am subjecting myself to this: so that we can have a baby.

In the grand scheme of IF, the time that we have been trying seems relatively short (18 months). To those who have been trying for 3 years, 4 years, 7 years..., it must seem like I complain alot about how long we have been waiting. For me, not only does every month that goes by signal another month without conception, it indicates another month that I will have to live with the physical manifestations of my PCOS. On days when I can't grin and bear it, when I do look closely in the mirror, when there is a gross pimple that I cannot avoid, when I stop to wonder what my clients are thinking when we are sitting in meetings, I just want to scream FUCK THIS, and go back on the pill and make it all go away. In my 20s I was so sften complimented on my perfect complexion. Now I know that that perfection was horemone-induced, but still some days I want that back.

I know my sympoms are not as bad as they could be. I have read about women who feel they have to shave daily. Perhaps I will look at that as my silver lining: I only ask my husband to tweeze my hairs every week or so. And it's true... I suppose my zits could be worse: they could all be as yucky as the one that instigated my post. And thank goodness I do not feel so down about myself like this everyday, because by god it would be a painful way to live.

I would love to open up my comments today as a place for others to share their symptoms, anger, and ways in which you deal with your PCOS. I would love to hear from you all.