AND BACK AGAIN

A quickie.

Where did we leave off. Ya.

At our 7wk ultrasound we saw an awesome heartbeat.

Then I got sick. Like horrible cough, I am going to die, I can't even believe that I haven't coughed up my lung yet, sick.

And guess what?

I'm still sick. 2 rounds of antibiotics (which have freaked me the fuck out because I don't even take medication when I'm not carrying a baby on board) later.

Still coughing. Still blowing. Functioning at about 80%. Which is not terrible considering I felt 20% at some times over the past 7 weeks.

So. Pregnancy has not really been on my mind. The only "symptom" I have is sick.

But. BUT. We went for our NT scan last week, and the little guy looks wonderful. All is well.

Really, thank God.

Happy holidays to all. I'm thinking about you always.

SIX WEEKS

And all is well, apparently.

We had an u/s today and got to see the fetus- all 1.3mm of it! But measuring right on target. With what seemed to be a teeny tiney flicker of a heartbeat.

Of course we are going back next week to fully enjoy seeing the beating heart.

It still feels so surreal.

On the one hand I don't want to hope too much and get too excited yet. Things can still happen.

I certainly am calmer, less worried and more positive than I was last time. (Wow, I went back and read my posts from the beginning of my pregnancy with Sacha, and lordy, I was a mess!)

On the other hand I know I can carry a pregnancy to term and give birth to a healthy baby.

But then I keep reminding myself that nothing is for sure.

Back and forth and back and forth with the emotions. But I'm hanging in there.

I will update for sure with next week's u/s (good) news.

And then I will have to face the decision of deciding about my prenatal care. (A post of its own for another time!)

BREATHE OUT... FOR NOW

So- the nuber came back at 1663.

That's a doubling time of 46 hrs from the last beta, and 44 hrs from the first beta. (Or vise vera, I can't remember- I'm tired.)

So- in the clear. For the time being. Because although I don't want to be, I am feeling totally neurotic.

Next Wednesday is the viability scan. I will be 6w, and the nurse said they should see a heartbeat. I thought that would be closer to 7w- can someone help me out with that?

Will try not to obsess too much between now and then.

Thank you all for your kind words and support this week. Wow. You are all so awesome.

WAITING

If I was a normal 5w pregnant lady who did it with her partner in the bedroom with some romance and stuff I wouldn't be obsessing over my betas.

Would I?

I mean, I would have taken my hpt, seen it was positive, and been elated with this knowledge. I would be content monitoring my early pregnancy symptoms and be looking for a doctor, and waiting for 12 weeks to roll around so that I can get to see my baby for the first time.

Isn't that how it's supposed to go?

If I was normal I wouldn't ever have heard the word beta, I would have no clue what the doubling time should be, or that the mass of cells developing in my uterus should even have a doubling time.

Oh how I wish I could be normal.

***

Went for a 3rd beta this morning, and will have results around 3pm. The nurse told me that if the number don't double then they want me to have an u/s next week to look for the sac. Will keep you posted, of course.

THANKS, BUT...

Had another beta today.

It's 4 days later, so we were looking at a number 4x 195. That would be at least 780.

My beta came back at 735.

My reaction to the nurse was "oh, that's not good." And well, it didn't quadruple.

Of course the nurse said I should not be alarmed yet. And tht if I spoke to the doctor he probably wouldn't make a big thing of it.

But- she did offer me to come back in 2 days for yet another beta. (I did have the option of just waiting til next week for a scan... but if the numbers aren't doing well, I would rather know sooner rather than later not to expect a heartbeat next week.)

So- I appreciate all the good wishes and various forms of "woo hoo". But it appears that I am not out of the woods yet.

Now is the time that I appreal to you, my wonderful internet ladies of support. Who cn regale me with stories featuring similar beta happenings that had a desirable outcome? Please help.

Oh, it would be so nice to be naive at this moment...

YES I WENT BACK IN

And there was a second line. It was as faint as last night's.

But there.

And a line is a line, right?

I'll cut to the chase. I went to the clinic for a beta.

At 15 dpo my beta is 195. Check it. It's pretty much right where I want to be. I'm going back on Monday for a repeat.

Just- WOW. I really can't wrap my head around this. I completely thought it wasn't going to work, and was already counting cycle days for next month. And I'm not just saying that.

So. Cautiously hopeful? I can go with that.

MINDFUCK

I hade a mistake on my previous post. It wasonly 12dpo.

Yesterday was 14 dpo. And there was no sign of my period.

My nanny was coming over to babysit as I had a business dinner, so I asked her to bring over some extra pee dippy-stcks that she had.

I wnet right upstairs, dipped in the cup and waited. And nothing happened. (Turns out i dipped the test too much, so i guess there was too much pee.) I tossed the test.

I showered quickly, but couldn't stop thinking of the test, and fished it out of the garbage. Lo and behold there was a faint second line.

I called my nanny up to have a look (is this the line that I want to see?) (don't laugh, I had only used the other tests before!) and she assured me that, yes, it was.

So now here I am, awake at 4.30 am. And I had to pee. So I decided to do a FMU test (and not screw it up.) The control line came up right away, but the rest was pretty blank. (Of course it was, this was all too much to hope for...) It says to leave it flat on the counter for 5 mins. And now it's been that long. I'm a afraid to walk back into the bathroom to see the results.

Why is this such a mindfuck?

13dpo

And... nothing either way.

The last cycle we did I started spotting on day 12. But this time I've been taking progesterone, so I expect that my period won't arrive until 14dpo, at least.

But the hope is gone. I didn't even buy a HPT. Why waste the money?

I think it's easier this cycle to let go of the hope.

The first cycle i was waaay too freaking hopeful. I mean the previous cycle (although it was 3 years before) resulted in a real live baby. So I knew I could do it. And expected that I would.

This time. Well- that hope is gone. I am reaquainted with the feeling of things not working out.

The reality is that I know what it feels like to be pregnant. I've been there. But I certainly don't feel like I'm there right now.

I am feeling a little like woe is me. But I know that we will jump right back in and cylce immediately (barring any unforseen circumstances).

But- it still hurts. A friend had a baby yesterday. And another told me of her pregnacy (4wks) last week.

On the other hand- life goes on.

ON THE EVE OF IUI 2 (FOR #2)

This cycle has been surreal.

Scratch that. Life has been surreal since we returned from vacation at the end of August.

I feel that I have been running at top speed, unable to catch my breath, for the last 5 weeks. There have been so many changes: Sacha going to preschool 3 days a week, deciding to take on the task of working in my family business, trying to decide what to do with my own business, and more.

I thought I would cycle the moment we landed back in Canada, but while we were away I kept "forgetting" to take my Provera. And the same thing kept happening when we got home. It was (so surprisingly!) the last thing on my mind.

One day I just bit the bullet (and swallowed the pill), and here we are.

Femara- check!
Puregon- check!
Ovidrel- check!
Appointment tomorrow at 7am for sperm donation and IUI- you betcha.

Cycling has been different this time. I just don't have the time and brain power to devote to the worry and the stress. I get enough of that in other walks of life. Also, while secondary IF is painful, I am realizing that having Sacha is cushioning the blow somewhat.

I had the nanny stay late this evening so that The C and I could go for dinner. It seems that we are both pretty excited. I don't know why. I mean I know why, but we have never really sat down before and IUI and had a discussion that included the words hope or excited or what colour will we paint the room.

I know that nothing I think or do now (or tomorrow, or any day from now if an embryo decides to implant itself in my uterus) can change what happens.

Living in the moment, I am.

(For I am certain that this mild euphoria will fade swiftly during the 2WW...)

SILLY SILLY GIRL

I did something just now that I have only done one other time in my entire life. That other time I confirmed that I was pregnant.

This time, not so lucky.

It wasn't like I was cycling. If I was, trust me-you'd be hearing about it.

But.

My boobs were hurting like crazy, and a few days ago I had the teeniest bit of spotting. So I thought: maybe...?

I really should know my body better. After all these years. Seriously.

So. Of course the test was negative. I sat on the toilet feeling a bit foolish. With a smattering of other self deprecating words thrown in for good measure.

It's not a TOTAL waste. I have prescription of Provera to take, which I will start while on vacation (we're off to Portugal for 2 weeks), so that I can cycle when I get home. My doctor highly recommends taking a pee-stick test before starting the pills, so now that's done. Won't have to do it while on vacation and staying at the in-laws. So at least one bird is killed with that plastic stick...

Will be back soon. Hopefully relaxed and ready to go.

ANGRY

I'm just so... ANGRY. Frustrated. Mad, annoyed, deflated. And I feel stupid.

Like I really, actually, truly thought that it would work the first time. How ridiculous is that?

I want to blame someone. I need to blame someone. My husband, my doctor, myself. Other pregnant women. (How horrible a person does that make me?)

I am in a foul mood. This just isn't fair.

More blood today, and by my calculations we can't cycle again until September. I don't know how I'm going to make it that long. I know i will make it, and then we will have another failed cycle. And another, and... It's just shit not knowing when, and how long I will need to endure, how long I will have to keep up this brave face and act like "nothing" is going on.

Treatments are such a mindfuck. I can't take it. But I can't not take it.

THE END?

It's 11dpo, and this morning when I went to the bathroom there was a slight orange-y tinge when I wiped.

Too late for implantation, too early for my period.

At least I'll save money on an hpt- that's an upside, isn't it.

Just... ugh. I really thought this had worked. I'm so naive.

Sadly, I liked this bit of naivete (why don't my accents work??). I just fear becoming that jaded, cynical, angry infertile again. Which I never stopped being, per se, but I do realize that the degree is starting to meter is starting to measure higher again.

A mom friend (a woman I really am only friends with because our kids play together), who swore up and down to me that she was done with her one and only because her husband is such an ass, told me she bought a "baby making monitor" (ovulation monitor) and some lingerie. I'm bitter about this for so many reasons. So many. Just thinking about it now is making my blood boil.

I really don't want to be this way. It's not nice to begrudge people their babies.

8dpo

Or maybe it's 9. I can't be sure.

I'm obsessing and somewhat too busy to think about it all at the same time. The wait has been a strange one this go-around.

All I keep thinking about is how much my boobs were freaking killing me during the 2ww with my pregnancy. It was most painful to even put on my bra. I don't remember what day it was the the hurt started. Certainly not this early? Because there is no pain today, let me tell you.

The only difference between the cycle I got pregnant and this one is that I took progesterone last time. The RE didn't offer it this time and when I called the clinic post IUI because I suddenly remembered that I didn't have a prescription, the nurse called me back and said we would do without this time. I don't quite get why- if it was part of the cycle that worked last time- but I can't even go there now. Certainly if this cycle is a bust it will be one of the first things that I bring up for the next one.

And I know that progesterone can mimic early pregnancy signs, so last time I tried really hard to discount them- I didn't want to hope too much.

This time... well I wouldn't say that I feel nothing going on. But I also recognize that it might be all psychosomatic. This is what is going on: I have odd joint pain in my ankles, and increased carpel tunnel tingly-ness in my hand. And sporadic mild cramp-like-something-is-going on-in there feelings. And increased runny nose (which I had last time- my nose ran like a tap the whole first trimester.) And headaches. And I'm tired.

All this can be attributed to other stuff most definitely.

I will probably test on Sunday (which is 12dpo- I think), so that I have the day to lie in bed and mope if need be while my husband is home to support me and take care of Sacha.

I hope. And sit. And wait.

I have thoughts that I can't put into words. Dealing with IF this time around isn't easier per se. Even saying "this time around" doesn't seem right, because I never stopped "dealing" with it. I always knew that we would have to revisit the clinic when we wanted another baby.

Just because I have my Sacha doesn't make me want another baby any less. And people who say "well you already have one, so if this doesn't work out, at least you have him" are missing the mark.

Most of my life I pictured myself with two children. (Except for the 10 month or so following Sacha's birth- at that time I couldn't, beyond my wildest imagination, understand how people ever were able to care for more than one child!) So my dream is my dream, and I still want it.

I don't think that my feelings are unusual. Sacha is my "proze" for the child that I wanted first. I still long for my other little one.

Yesterday we had our IUI. Unlike last time it didn't hurt at all. Mostly I was distracted because Sacha was with us. And he was babbling on about mommy getting her engine fixed. I'm still not sure how he came up with that idea on his own. But he wasn't too far off the mark. Smart little boy.

So now... the two week wait. The time will pass- it always does. I hope and I want. But try not to hope too much or want too much. Lest I jinx it.

CYCLE LA DE DA

This cycle has been a whirlwind, and after my great weekend away (yay!), I had a week from hell.

Tuesday's u/s showed a nice thin lining (thank god... it meant all that heavy bleeding was doing something), and a follicle at 11mm. Good news.

Thursday the leading follie was at 15.5, and there were 1 or 2 trailing around 11. The doctor decided that I should keep up with the 60IU of Puregon, and trigger on Sunday with an IUI on Tuesday (cd14). I was surprised that he didn't want to see me (or my ovaries!) again before the trigger, but when I asked him he seemed confident that the follicle would grow well to 19mm or so. I'm not sure if he is "rushing" it because Wednesday is the last day the clinic is open before it closes for a 3 week holiday. I'm trying to put that though out of my head and have confidence in this doctor.

The main reason for my questioning is that we did the IUI when I got pregnant with Sacha on cd17. But bodies can be different, follicles can grow at different rates, etc, etc. It's so hard to not over think this whole thing!

What does seem to be different this time is that I can really feel my ovaries. They seem heavy and full. I don't remember this from 3+years ago, and don't know if this is a good sign or not.

A few other things are different too. Like how I have had to bring Sacha with me to a couple of appointments. It's just been impossible to leave him with someone. The staff at the clinic is great, and they seem to love all the kids that come in, but I can't help but think about the women and the couples who are there who are still trying so hard. I have such a mixture of thankfulness (is that a word?!) and guilt. I want to let everyone know that this doctor helped us get our precious little boy.

Also, the focus that I find that I have put on this cycle seems different. This time I have Sacha who takes up so much of my time and energy. Most of what I do during the days is focused on him- food, naps, playing... I find I don't have the same brain power to devote to thinking about what's going on and what can be. (Except when I do have time to sit and think: then I over analyse and over think.)

All this is not to say that I want a baby any less now than I did the first time around. But just like I couldn't imagine what life dealing with IF was like before we started TTC, there is no way that I could have anticipated what secondary IF would be like. Of course, this is what I am feeling on the eve where I am triggering for my first cycle. If I have to do more- who knows what I will be feeling then...

On a separate note, we have had a great day spending father's day as a family of 3. My husband I have been remarking to each other all day that it's all thanks to our little guy that we are so lucky to be able to celebrate this day. This day, and every day. Really- thank god. And our doctor.

WEEKEND AWAY

I'm still bleeding like crazy. And it hurts! Ohhh the craaaamps. But, I'll try not to complain because....

I'm off today for the weekend with my girlfriend!

"Weekend" may be taking it a bit far, but we are leaving in an hour and won't be back until Sunday night. So it's one night, but pretty much 2 full days. We are going to have fun!

(If I can stop moaning about my period!)

This is the second time since Sacha came into our lives that I am having complete time off. I can't wait. We are going to drive a couple of hours away and stay up north for the night. We both get to sleep in a bed alone and we won't have babies waking us up at 6 am.

Pure bliss. Yay!

Gotta go pack...

YUCKIES

Today is cycle day three.

Yup- my period came, maybe just in time, maybe a day late. We never know with my ovaries.

The cycle I conceived I had my IUI on cd16. The first day that my clinic is closed for vacation is my cd16. Let's hope we can see some nice stimming to make it a cd15 insemination. Cuz otherwise we will be doing it the old fashioned way. Which didn't work the 2 times we tried it. Oh, and we will likely be out of town staying at a friend's house on cd 16.

I'm trying not to count my chickens before they hatch. But I can't help it.

In totally disgusting news, though I have had bleeding on and off every couple of months since I stopped breastfeeding, I'm pretty certain it never was a "period" per se. Let me tell you- I am bleeding like a mofo. No freaking joke. I am going throough tampons like... well I don't know what. But I'm using a lot of them. And pads. And ugh- just gross.

Given all that, the wanding this morning was pretty grossitating. I will spare you the details (frankly, it's not something that I need to write more about for posterity either). My heavy bleeding corrolates with a thick lining. The Dr would like to have seen thinner, but he's ok with starting the cycle. Given that I am bleeding so heavily he is confident the lining will thin out. Yuck.

So... our protocol is the same as where we left off: 5mg Femara days 3-7; and 60IU Puregon starting cd 6.

I hope, but I'm trying not to invest too much.

In other news my husband and I had a big fight at the end of dinner. Wow, I am so realizing that he learned nothing from last time we did treatments. Add stress of treatments to the stress of running a family with a toddler, and we have explosive situations happening 'round here. I'm not even sure what to do about it all. With out getting into more detail I am just left with a complete feeling of "he sucks" tonight. Not great considering we are embarking on something "together".

Given all this, I am less excited that I should be. Which is just another "ugh" to add to doday's list of yuckies.

ANNOYANCE

Ya... that's what I thought about the Provera- it would take about a week after my last pill for CD1.

I'm annoyed... withthe RE and with myself.

See, the clinic is closing on the 24th of this month for 3 weeks. But when we met with the RE last week he prescribed the Provera telling me there was "plenty of time" to complete the cycle before then.

Umm.. ok... not so much.

Today is Provera day 7, which means CD1 will likely be nex Thursday or Friday. In the past I have had my IUI on CD 16, which would bring us to... June 26.

And so I'm annoyed with myself for a number of reasons. Firstly for not thinking about the lag time between the last pill and CD1. Second for blindly following the RE's instructions. And third because I was hoping and thinking and what-if-ing.

So now I will get my period for nothing. Really. I induced a period for no reason.

And we can't cycle again until September.

Stupid me.

(Ok, maybe-maybe-my period will come on, say, Tuesday. But I'm already kicking myself that I am allowing myself to think that.)

PROVERA

The RE prescribed 7 days of P.rovera. I have take 5 pills.

But I seem to have forgotten- how many days after I finish the pills should my period come? I would google it, but I'm worried I'll get a whole whack of info that I don't want and don't need.

So... your knowledge is my power today.

Please weigh in! (Thanks!)

DEJA VU ALL OVER AGAIN

Walking back into the clinic was so surreal. And exciting. And nauseating. And scary.

It's been two days since our appointment with Dr. Who Got Us Pregnant Last Time*. The appointment was fine. Actually it was quick. And pleasant. We decided we would just start with the same protocol that got us pregnant with Sacha. And that we can start any time. We walked out with our blood test requirements, and a prescription for P.rovera.

My husband had his blood drawn right away, and I went back in the morning because I had to have fasting glucose levels taken.

While I am excited that we could start right away, for some reason I didn't expect that it would be so fast. Hence the excited and scary feelings.

The nauseating feeling: well that I got for having to shell out $1200.00 for the labs. Not that I forgot how much this whole process costs... I just put it in a rarely-used corner of my brain for the last 3 years.

Of course the surreal-ness comes from the fact that this rarely-used corner of my brain became active so very instantly. It was like: HELLOINFERTILITYANDYOUR TREATMENTSANDALLTHESTRESSANDUNCERTAINTYTHATYOUBRING.

Look. I never forgot what it felt like last time. But now I truly have to admit how much the feelings faded once I held Sacha in my arms.

And now, only 2 days later I am faced with all the emotions flooding back in full force.

Here's a sample of whats going on inside my head:

Issue 1: Should we jump right into a cycle? Or should we wait? If we don't cycle immediately then we won't have the chance again until September. The clinic is closing for 3 weeks from the end of Jun until mid July, and we can squeeze a cycle in right under the wire. We would have to wait until September otherwise because of vacation plans, and because the due dates of July or August-conceived babies would be undesirable due to my husband's work schedule. Which leads directly to issues 2 and 3...

Issue 2: Already the planning of vacations around treatment and looking at EDD is driving me batty. I mean, people! We haven't even started! And I have spent too much time looking at the pregnancy calculator. I need to be banned from those websites. And also! The fact that I thought: well... if we don't go to Europe (to visit my husband's parents) in August it would be a great time to cycle.

Issue 3: The gall I have to think that I can actually "plan" this pregnancy. I mean, who do I think I am?! A fertile chick? I should be shot for thinking this way. It's only going to lead to more stress and heartbreak, I'm sure.

Issue 4: My period. Since I stopped breastfeeding last August, my period has been wonky at best. I guess the fact that I have even had something that I could call a period is remarkable, but their frequency and length have been crazy. To sum up, I have had my period about 3 or 4 times since last summer, but all of them have lasted about 2 weeks and are on and off. Not a major problem, But... this is kind of what is going on with me right now. Problem: I have to start my P.rovera tonight (if I want to get this cycle in before the clinic closes for the holiday). However: I may actually be starting a period (after days of on and off spotting), which means I don't need to take the P.rovera. The catch: if I wait to see if I am starting my period, I will miss the window to take the P.rovera.

Oy. OY.

It's all this thinking and planning and thinking... It takes so much energy. And it's so circular in nature.

I feel like I'm already up to my eyeballs in this necessary evil.



*Dr. Who Got Us Pregnant Last Time took over our clinic right before we did our cycle where we conceived Sacha. We didn't work with him much, so I never named him (I think). I'm sure a name will come to the fore quickly once we have a couple of appointments.

If you want to know why my clinic brought on a new medical director, you can read about it here.
If you are joining me as a new reader, or want a refresher, you can read about my PCOS here and here.

MY 2 YEAR OLD

While I came back to write about the baby that may be, I thought I would just re-introduce Sacha.

I'm hoping the gods of fertility treatment will also look down and remember what delicious children my husband and I create, and grant us the chance to have another.

So... here is Sacha a 2 years (and a month-ish).

I can't say enough how lucky I am to be a mommy to this little boy. Believe me it's not without it's difficulties, but having this chance to parent is the most amazing thing ever.

ORGANIZING

I have been lurking around and reading all this time. There really is no excuse to not commenting, though. And I feel bad!

Yes, I'm busy, and stressed, and tired, and I have an active toddler to care for day in and day out. Other people seem to have no problem writing and commenting and staying current.

But from now on I'm going to post. I'm going to write and comment and be active.

I'm back because I feel the need to be here, to have a space to share what I am about to embark on in the quest for another baby.

And I miss you guys.

Which brings me to my point (I know... so long in getting there!): My blogroll is woefully out of date! If I don't have you there, or I have an old link for you, please let me know how to find you.

Thanks, friends.

MAKING THE CALL

This morning I looked up the website for the clinic. And I left my browser open with the contact info page up.

Then I took Sacha to preschool, brought him home, fed him lunch and put him down for his nap.

Then I picked up the phone and dialed the number. And made an appointment to see the RE.

Our appointment is set for May 26. Which is three years less 2 weeks from the date we started our cycle that became Sacha.

I am scared and nervous. But also so excited.

I have hope because it has already happened once for us. But I also have so much knowledge and have read about so many peoples' experiences. I so not naive. But in a way I wish I was...

So many what-ifs. It's deja vu.