I have thoughts that I can't put into words. Dealing with IF this time around isn't easier per se. Even saying "this time around" doesn't seem right, because I never stopped "dealing" with it. I always knew that we would have to revisit the clinic when we wanted another baby.

Just because I have my Sacha doesn't make me want another baby any less. And people who say "well you already have one, so if this doesn't work out, at least you have him" are missing the mark.

Most of my life I pictured myself with two children. (Except for the 10 month or so following Sacha's birth- at that time I couldn't, beyond my wildest imagination, understand how people ever were able to care for more than one child!) So my dream is my dream, and I still want it.

I don't think that my feelings are unusual. Sacha is my "proze" for the child that I wanted first. I still long for my other little one.

Yesterday we had our IUI. Unlike last time it didn't hurt at all. Mostly I was distracted because Sacha was with us. And he was babbling on about mommy getting her engine fixed. I'm still not sure how he came up with that idea on his own. But he wasn't too far off the mark. Smart little boy.

So now... the two week wait. The time will pass- it always does. I hope and I want. But try not to hope too much or want too much. Lest I jinx it.