LIST IT OUT, BABY!

I must get that last post off the top of my page, but my thoughts about the last week are so scattered I don't really know where to begin. There is so much I want to discuss, however I'm not so sure I can do it all coherently.

Oh, there's some shouting from the audience... Did I just hear someone ask for a list? It seems it is so!

Let's make a deal: I'll list the items that have been on my mind as of late, and you'll let me know which you want to hear more about. Ok? Here we go...

1. I feel like I have moved on from last cycle's negative. Today is cd6, but the clinic is closed, so it doesn't really matter. Since experiencing my first monitored negative (after ttc for 15 months), I have realized that my emotions about myself, my husband, my hope, other pregnant women, and other peoples' infants are cyclical as well. So while I may no longer loathe my body for not giving me a pregnancy last cycle, I am back to feeling pains in my heart when seeing other pregnant women.

2. I think that I had so much hope for last cycle for one reason and one reason only... Anyone read my sidebar? The part where it says "if you don't ovulate, you can't get pregnant"? Last cycle I ovulated for what was perhaps the first time in my entire life. For us, getting me to ovulate was the main hurdle. Ovulation=pregnancy. Of course, that equation didn't balance this time. So while being crushed, I am pretty certain we can get me to ovulate again.

3. Part of my fear from last cycle stemmed from the "what if" of getting a negative, but not getting my period. (Meaning that after all the meds, and all the monitoring I actually was not able to ovulate.) Now I know that though I did O on cd18, my LP was a pretty perfect 14 days. Interesting to know that my body does that right.

4. Though I don't believe much in divine intervention, I must thank someone up above for making certain my family has no infants or toddlers. My brother's 2 girls are 8 and 9 (and both ooops babies), and The C's sister's girls are 10 and 13. So instead of dreading holiday time with the nieces, I was excited about it. The girls are in my favorite age range. You can joke around, play games, tell stories, and just hang out. I treasure my relationship with them dearly.

5. The Chanukah party that I planned for the 23rd was a hit. Lotsa latkes, lotsa dreidles, lotsa fun. Also: tons and tons of cookies. In the 2nd week of my 2ww I went cookie crazy. Baking cookies (as opposed to cakes, or heaven forbid dinner,) fulfilled two important needs during this time: the need to keep busy at all costs, and the need for something sweet.

6. On the 24th we took off for the Toronto area to be with The C's family while they celebrated Christmas. His nieces (not that I don't feel that they are my nieces too, but I say that in effort to distinguish them from my brother's girls,) sang in their church choir for Christmas Eve mass. Being Jewish and all, had the girls not been singing The C and I would not have attended mass. We both felt it was important to support the girls, and I am so happy that we were there. Their singing was so beautiful, and was a wonderful addition to the service. The sound of children's choirs makes my heart melt, and listening to the girls made me feel so proud. When they sang some of my favorite carols (yup, this Jew loves Christmas music!) my heart swelled with pride, and my eyes teared. I wanted to tell everyone around us that two of the beautiful voices up there belonged to my family.

7. I can only imagine how I will feel watching our own children one day.

8. Should I talk about something that doesn't have to do with IF or children? If you look back on all my posts I don't think that I ever have. How about I try.

9. December 26th is my birthday. This year I celebrated my 32nd year on this here earth. I always told people that to me, age was just a number, that its more about how you feel. Until recently I felt like I was still 18. I think I may finally be growing up, but only because I am being forced to deal with things that I really didn't think that I would ever have to. (Oh man, I was trying to stay away from IF, but I guess I can't do it.)

10. I have so much more to write concerning my birthday. Not about "how I celebrated my birthday this year", but more about realizations of what it means to have a birthday at this time of year. It's complicates, and I'm not sure my thougths all make sense, so I best leave it for now.

11. A friend just called an offered to stop by with a cup of Star.bucks in hand. I must shower and dress to prepare for her arrival. This post didn't quite turn out how I wanted it to. I was supposed to give you a list of subjects, and you were supposed to tell me which you wanted to hear more about. It seems I told you all about them anyways. I just talk too much. It's a problem I have. This seems as good a time as any to shut my yapper.