WE HAVE TREATMENT

It has been eight months from the time I made my initial call to my fertility clinic. Today I received my first treratment plan*.

I arrived at Clinic #1 shortly after 8 this morning for my ultrasound. It is CD4 (I was in Vermont for Thanksgiving yesterday, so I was not able to make it on CD3), and I was a bit apprehensive about being wanded while bleeding. I know we all have to do it, and the doctors do it all the time, but I have a heavy flow, and well, I didn't want to make a mess everywhere. In walks The World's Best Doctor in jeans and a rugby shirt, and he sits down and gets right to business. Insert dildo cam, look at uterus, look at right ovary, look at left ovary, get dressed meet him in office.

You may remember me talking about the doctor's larygitis from my account of our initial visit. Let me tell you that during the u/s the doctor barely said a word to me, and those that he said I did not understand. It was very confusing, and a bit weird. At one point I felt like I might cry, and he was obviously looking at my cysts (that I recon he had hoped would shrink with the BCP he prescribed.) I think he said/mouthed that my ovaries look abnormal. But really, I can't be certain.

It's alright for the man to have lost his voice, but it would have been nice if someone explained to me that this was still the case.

In the office we were joined by the nurse. TWBD again said something garbled, and then started fiddling around on the computer. I was a bit surprised that he wasn't going to talk to me about what he had seen with the u/s, but I didn't ask. The nurse started telling me that all systems were go for begining treatment this cycle. I will start 2.5 mg Fe.mara tonight for CD4-8, and on CD6 I would start 20IU Pur.egon (I think that's the dose). I am to go in on Monday for injection teaching. Then Wednesday an u/s.

Whoa! This all happened so fast! When we had our original consult we discussed Fem.ara, and the possibility of an hCG shot. Now... injectables? Right off the bat? Jeez Louise! I asked the nurse why, and she told me that after looking at my ovaries today the doctor felt that the Fem.ara would not do anything alone. To me this was really bewildering. I think that I never thought that my issues were so complex. I have had alot of time to adjust to the idea of medical intervention to get us pregnant, but today it was all sinking in. I won't lie: I am scared shitless of having to give myself needles. (Saving grace: the Pur.egon comes in a pen. I have already watched a video on how to give the injection. Still, though, I am freaked out.)

The C's parents are here for the weekend, so I haven't had time to discuss this with him at any length. (He also worked all day today, and is working tomorrow.) All he really says about this is that he is hopeful. I guess that maybe it's good that someone has some hope, because to me it feels like this cycle is the first step in an painfully long journey.


*We won't count the two Clo.mid cycles I did in May and August, because knowing what I know now, there was no hope for them anyways.


Sunday morning update:
Last night I was a raving lunatic. I completely lost my marbles. As I wrote above, The C and I hadn't had time to discuss the appointment, and as the day wore on I felt the pressure of all the information that I learned weighing heavily on me. As I didn't have time to sit with The C and discuss how I was feeling, I was under the impression that he didn't care what happened at the appointment, what the treament was going to be, and the mental impact all this was having on me. I was a total bitch all night while both of our parents were over for dinner. When we got into bed I completely lost it. I was yelling, and screaming, and crying. I was pretty much a raving lunatic who thought the world was against her and that nobody gave a shit, least of all my husband. How could I have anticipated feeling like this, and reacting like this? I don't see how I could have. This is the worst feeling in the world, and the cycle is just begining. I only have one day of hormones in me. What will I be like in a few days? What will I be like when this cycle fails, and inumberable subsequent cycles fail? It is so painful to even think about...