HERE COMES TROUBLE!

Mommy, look how clever I am!

Note to self: Batten down the hatches.
But first: get well and deal with baby's top tooth coming in.

SICK

I am so sick. It is awful. I feel like I have been run over by a truck.

On the nanny front, she is awesome. I feel like she came into our lives at the exact right second. I don't know what I would do without her. Sacha loves her. She is great with him. It's all so good. I only have her 2 days a week, but I am going to see if she can come a third this week so that I can rest.

Not much else of not around here. Sacha still has his runny nose, but it isn't affecting his personality so I'm not worrying. Though there is no tooth in sight, just swollen gums!

I think I'll go make some tea.

Miserably yours,
Ms. C

YOU'RE HIRED!

Yes! We hired the nanny! I'm so freaking excited I just can't contain it! Big woot. Like: BIG. I'm so thrilled that she wanted to work with us. I really hope it all works well. She is coming tomorrow so that we can talk about details. Please, any suggestions of what I should show her and make sure of?

In other news, Sacha has a runny nose. He hasn't been sick before, so dealing with this is a new mothering thing for me. I think that it's just because he's teething (his top 2 gums seem very swollen) as he has no other cold symtoms. This morning he blew a snot bubble out of his nose. An amazing feat, I know. I'm going to mark it down in his baby book. Friday night and Saturday night Sacha was up 3-4 times during the night, either because he was in pain for his teeth or he couldn't breathe. Last night he woke up just his usual once. I had given him a homeopathis remedy for teething before he went to sleep so perhaps that is what made the difference. Anyone have suggestions (non medicinal) for dealing with a runny nose?

UNEXPECTED

So the other day I decided to hop onto craigslist and peruse the nanny listings. I had no idea what I'd find, but I needed to start my search for childcare somewhere.

If it is possible to fall in love with a craigslist posting, I have to say that I did. I emailed the nanny candidate immediately.

My husband and I just finished interviewing her, and I have to say that after spending an hour with her I LOVE her. Maybe even more than my husband. But certainly not Sacha.

I think we covered all the standard interviewing questions. She even met Sacha when he woke up from his nap and he smiled at her instantly. I just got this great feeling from her. She is supposed to email me her references later tonight, and I can't wait to contact them. I want her SO BAD. I totally have a nanny crush on her. My husband and I looked at each other when she left and we like: oh YA!

Here's the thing: how do I really make sure that she is the one? And also how do ensure that she chooses us over the other families that she is going to meet?

And, oh, another awesome thing about her: she's studying to be a doula- with the doula who assisted at our birth. How cool is that?

WORK

I just started composing a post about how bored I am. But it's whiny and complainy. So I will spare you.

The gist of it was about how I am about to come out of my "slow time" of work. And in order to work I need to find someone to take care of Sacha. The care would only have to be part-time (either half days or 2-3 full days a week), because I can get some work done with Sacha playing beside me on the floor, just not not all of it.

But I have some concerns about this. It's not so much about the person who will take care of him. I work from home, so I will be here most of the time.

It's the hows:

How am I going to find a caregiver? I have no idea how to go about doing this.

How are we going to work out breastfeeding? Sacha doesn't take a bottle, so it's only breast for him.

How is someone else going to put him for a nap? Sadly I still swaddle and rock him to sleep in my arms. No one else seems to be able to get him to sleep for naps. Either they don't swaddle right, don't rock right, don't hold him tight enough, or can't ride out his freak-out crying jag until he lulls himself to sleep. THIS for sure is a subject for another post.

How am I going to be able to concentrate when my sweet little one is giggling in the next room?

There are also some other hows that have to do with business logistics:

How will I be able to meet with clients who can't meet with me during the day? I used to book evening meetings but now I can't do that because 1-I'm too tired in the evening and 2-it coincides with Sacha's bedtime (I nurse him to sleep, see above re: subject for another post.)

How will I be able to set limits about making appointments on the weekends when I want to spend time with my family? (While Sunday would be an ideal time to book appointments because The C is home, it's not ideal because it's the only day off he has all week.)

How will I deal with the work that I will lose as a result of limiting my hours for meeting with clients? Will I even be able to get any business if I insist that clients take only day-time meetings?

So many questions.

It's true, I never really stopped working when Sacha was born. But I see this somewhat as a return to work, as I have been taking it really easy the past few months. If I want to make any money I really have to step up my work.

I keep wondering if it's worth it: to bring someone in to watch Sacha while I work knowing that much of what I make will go to paying this person.

I know the answer is yes. I was never cut out to be a stay at home mom. I am just not the type to be all baby all the time. The past seven months have been so hard on me. I have really felt unproductive and brain-dead. And bored and boring.

I know I want to do more than just mother Sacha. I work with people who are planning special events; most of my clients are brides. My work is my no means life-altering or earth-shattering. I am not in danger of not keeping up with the workforce in the line of work that I do. No one will miss me if I close up shop.

But I actually love (most of the time, I am not a freak here!!) what I do. I feel creative and successful. I like meeting with clients and the satisfaction of making a sale. I enjoy the challenge of running a business and making money.

My work is cyclical- I know it starts to get busier around now (following a trade show that I have this weekend), and really gets going in January. I have avoided thinking about this whole work thing for so many months. I knew this was coming.

When I was pregnant everyone always said to me: "It's going to be so great, you just can plop the baby down next to you and get your work done. You are so lucky to work from home." I was so naive to believe them!

So now I embark on my next phase of life: Working Mother.

POO-DATE

Not a date with poo. But an update of sorts on the poo-tuation.

Not an hour or so after I posted my previous post Sacha "did his business". Thank goodness. The next day I gave him some prunes to help him along. Again, poop.

But on Friday I was still concerned- he seemed gassy, hadn't pooped again (it was approaching 48 hours), and well, I was being neurotic. The doctor very nicely told me that I had nothing to worry about, Sacha seemed just fine, and even 3 days without a poop is fine. He said I should return to feeding solids to Sacha, that he should be getting 3 meals a day by now. He also told me that I could feed him prunes every day if I felt I needed to, but to back off if things seemed to be resolving.

Phew.

So, I continued the prunes and increased his food intake. And the little pooper pooped again on Sunday and Monday. So far no poop today, but I am trying not to be concerned. I stopped the prunes because they seemed to be making the baby a gassy little fellow.

So now I wait for the poop, and I try not to freak out.

But, seeing as I'm here, let's take a moment to look at solids. I have to tell you: MAN, this kid LOVES to eat! (Though he comes by it honestly, for his mommy and papa love food too.) Sacha basically will eat anything. I have moved away from rice cereal, and now give him barley, which he seems to like more than rice. He loves chicken (I made it myself), and so far he goes crazy for peas. Green beans and carrots are ok too! In fruit we have tried pears and prunes- I'm trying to stay light on the fruit as to not introduce too many sweet flavours before we get through more veggies.

This week I am thinking of introducing more green veggies (maybe avocado or zucchini), and perhaps another meat. I bought a jar of "beef, carrots, potatoes and peas", but it the idea seems a bit eww to me (the jar was only 79 cents, I figured I would go for it seeing as I was in the store...).

Have any of you tried a jarred combo like this? If not, do you puree your own meat? And final question: how much do you feed your baby at each meal, and when do you feed him breastmilk/formula? (If your baby is 7 months, that would be really helpful, or if you remember what you did when your baby was 7 months...)

Thanks a million gals. You are really the finest of the fine.

Just for kicks, here is Sacha enjoying some green beans. A friend of mine told me that babies with food all over them gross her out and she doesn't see why people think it's fun that parents show them to other people. Do you agree or disagree?

THIS MAY BE TOO MUCH INFORMATION, BUT...

So many times I have composed posts in my head and sadly, none of them have made it into the computer. I feel bad about this. I want to post, I want to chronicle what is going on in my life, and in Sacha's life (which mysteriously are pretty much one and the same these days.) And I wanted to tell you guys about the adventure of travelling with a wee one (that is the subject that "won"), but I never got there.

Time both moves so slowly and so quickly. Sacha will be 7 months old next week. And in 2 weeks I will be exhibiting at a trade show that will essentially launch me head-first back into the market for work full-er time.

But first things first... You know that if I am posting there must be a super-sonic reason, right? Ya, well. We have a problem.

Sacha hasn't pooped in 5 days. I need help.

Can we examine the situation in as brief a manner as possible? As an infant Sacha was a pooping super-star. When he reached a couple of months he was very regular- he pooped once a day and it was always in the morning. Then, almost 2 months ago we went to Portugal. And as soon as we arrived his regularity stopped. He popped maybe every second day, and some day not for 3 days. And the consistency changed. I wasn't that worried, for after all, who doesn't have bowel issues when travelling? I just attributed it to travel. And the fact that he was breastfed, and "they" say that breastfed babies may go up to 10 days without pooping. When we got home, though, this continued, but the ped told me not to be concerned. Also, Sacha didn't seem to struggle and he was still he happy self.

Then we introduced solids. We were ok for a bit (and Sacha loved eating real food, LOVED it!), until I started realizing that his pooping was increasingly infrequent. It became very thick and he seemed to be having some trouble. But he was still pooping every 2 days so I was trying to keep perspective.

A few days ago I was talking to my homeopath about something unrelated and decided just to seek her advice on this poo-tuation. She recommended that I stop all his solids and go back to just breast milk for a few days to reset his system. And then introduce fruits and veggies again, but no cereal. (I had already cut out cereal for 2 days as I was getting concerned). She also said that I should give him some water, but that is pretty much impossible as he doesn't take a bottle and has yet to master a sippy cup.

Yesterday I realized it had been 4 days. I have to honestly say that I have yet to have cause to worry about Sacha's health until now (save his jaundice in the first few days of his life.) I spent yesterday in an obsessive, diaper-checking panic. NO POO. Sacha's behaviour was definitely different. He was clingy and needy, and cried more than usual. And he really seemed to be struggling to push, especially when I was feeding him.

I put in another call to our homeopath. She recommended a remedy, and she also recommended that I stimulate his anus with a thermometer just in case he was a bit tight. (Has anyone heard of this? I hadn't but my good friend said he mom had done that.) I also bought some prunes, but have yet to use them.

Here we are, embarking on day 5 of no poop. Yesterdays' tricks did not work.

So I ask you: please help me.

What would you guys do? Should I feed him the prunes? What about suggestions for giving him water?

I just feel so helpless and lost. Mothering is so hard, I rarely know what to do. But I feel that now my baby really needs me. And I can't seem to help the poor little guy.

CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE

I chose mine.

It was 15 days in Portugal with my son and my husband. At my in-laws' house. By the beach. Where the weather was near-perfect. And the flights were fine.

So that's why I haven't been around for the past couple of weeks. I did miss you all terribly, please know that!

There is so much I could tell you about, but I thought I would let you choose. Below are a list of titles for posts. You can vote and I will write about the one that wins. How about that?

Here we go:

Dear Mother-in-law: No, the baby isn't cold or hungry, but can I please have him as he has to nap

Traveling fun: crossing 5 time zones with a 5 month old

Yes, I know my baby is fat, and yes, I do only give him breastmilk

Apparently babies' digestive systems go wonky when they travel too!

Sacha! Now with a tooth (this time for real.)

Oh why won't this baby sleep through the night?

Dear everyone in Portugal: please stop clapping and whistling and doing things that you would generally do to a cat or dog in order to get my baby's attention

Four people taking care of the baby sure makes for a relaxing-ish vacation

OMG-90210! (self-holding statement.)

Ok- go to it! And I'll tally the votes. It's good to be back, but it'll take some time to catch up on everyone, so please cut me some slack.

MONTH FIVE

Honestly, I don't know how we went from here:

To here:

In five months.

Time is unbelievable.

Sacha is just an amazing little being. There is so much for me to be thankful for. Even given all the sleep issues, I think that I am finally starting to get the hang of this parenting thing. Which, of course, means that tomorrow everything is bound to change.

I am trying not to think of that.

Instead, let's look at this month's accomplishments.

Moving: While I wouldn't say that he's crawling yet, he certainly is mobile. When he is on his tummy (which is almost always, as he rolls the minute I put him down on his back), he uses his arms to pivot his body. He can make full circles. And Sacha also "moves" by bringing his knees toward his chest so that his bum is high in the air, and then he launches himself forward.

Talking: I have no idea what he's saying (and it's certainly nothing near Mama or Papa), but Sacha is talking a blue streak. I can have full conversations with him.

Laughing: Sacha smiled and giggled at a very young age (probably at a little under one month). Previously he would giggle if I ticked him, but lately he will laugh if I make funny faces, or if I am laughing. He also has the smile that a friend refers to as "if I open my mouth any wider it will break". See photo above!

Gesturing: I'm not sure how, but my mother taught Sacha to raise his arms when he wants to be picked up from the crib. (He only does this in the crib, though.) It's pretty amusing to see. If I walk in while he is playing, he will drop a toy and hold his arms up to me.

Sitting: I don't even know when the transition from sitting propped to sitting alone occurred. One day I thought to myself: what if I left him to balance on his hands while he's sitting. Low and behold- he did not fall over! Sacha can sit holding on to the side of the crib and holding on to his playmat bars. He's getting pretty good at supporting himself with one hand, and shoving a toy in his moth with another. Today I put him on his knees, and he balanced for a good while before toppling over.

Playing: It's amazing- Sacha actually plays with his toys. He chooses a toy with purpose- sometimes he will turn his body just to get a specific toy. His aim is spot on, and he grabs with one hand, and brings his toy directly to his mouth. I find that I can leave him on his own for quite a long period of time and he is able to amuse himself. Sacha has also now perfected grabbing the animals hanging from his mobile-while it's moving. He holds on tight, and when I come in to his room and see him doing this he looks at me as if he's saying "look what I've done!".

More Playing: Sacha found his toes last week, and perhaps they are his favorite toy of the moment. He has figured out how to get them to his mouth, and yesterday I found him sucking quite intently on his big toe, as if it were a thumb. He also loves it when I play airplane with him high up in the air. He is starting to stretch his arms and legs out while flying. And he laughs wildly. And, like most babies, Sacha loves to dance. He loves Ra.ffi, and The Beatles, and James Taylor and even my humming of silly diddies. As long as he's bouncing to a beat he's smiling and laughing.

Growing: Last week I weighed Sacha on my brother's produce scale (he's a farmer). He weighed 18 pounds. He is headed in the direction of tripling his birth weight by six months. We have a doctor's appointment in 3.5 weeks (just shy of 6 months), so I will keep you posted. He is fat, that's for sure, but he's also tall. This week I started using size 2-3 diapers. The 2s just weren't cutting it anymore.

Personality: Like I've said: Sacha loves to laugh. And he is smiling almost all the time. He is just one happy baby. Hardly anything bothers him. If he's crying it's because something is drastically wrong. He rarely cries if he's hungry, or even when he's tired. He is sweet and calm and seemingly good-natured. He loves people and smiles at everyone. I know I am incredibly lucky in this aspect. I KNOW.

For the life of me I don't know what I did to deserve such an angel. I am truly blessed.

THE WOMAN WHO CRIED TOOTH

Yup that's me. Just to confirm with you all: there is no tooth. if any of you are like my mother, then you may, as she did, be thinking "I knew it! Teeth do not appear on top first!". Thank you mom.

Now on to another timely topic:

Sleep.

(We could talk about the lack of mine, but I won't go there today.)

Let me just say at the outset that Sacha is pretty much a super-duper baby. (The B.aby W.hisperer may like to label him as an "angel baby", but let's refrain from labels.) If he weren't so happy and smiley this sleep issue would definitely be way worse. I am lucky, and I know that. (Sacha is not this happy because of anything specific I have done, I am pretty certain of that.)

After his stay in the NICU, it became apparent that Sacha was a baby who liked to sleep. By 3 weeks of age he was down to waking once in the night. And he went down for naps with minimal fuss: I would swaddle him, turn on the mobile and he would already be yawning (very Pavlovian!).

As he started growing and becoming more interested in the world, he of course had less sleep time and more periods of awake time. Still, it was easy to get him to take his naps. And he often napped for at least 2 hours at lest twice a day. Sacha would go down easily at night and still only wake his once for a feeding.

Then something happened... And I don't know what. In the past 6 weeks or so Sacha has steadily decreased his frequency and quantity of naps. I am lucky if he sleeps a full hour nap. Luckier even if I can get him to do that three times a day. Twice last week he took 4 45-minute naps. And each nap is a fight now. While it is very much easier to get him down to sleep at night (possibly because this is my husband's activity), Sacha still wakes up at least once a night, and on a couple of occasions in the past few weeks it has even been twice in the night. I go to bed each night with a bit of dread, as I don't know what each night will bring.

Of course I am looking for advice/explanations/comments of understanding.

So, just to give you the whole picture, let me just tell you what I do do when it comes to sleep.

I wait until he is tired. Which is a hard one with such a smiley guy! But he is good at giving me signals. He rubs his eyes and I watch for yawns. (And even after he starts yawning and rubbing he is still playful and happy!)

I always swaddle Sacha. Even at nearly 5 months, and even though he is very big, he really likes it. I think it signals to him that he is going to go to his crib to sleep. Though, sometimes he giggles while I am swaddling- like he thinks it's a game- no so conducive to sleep!

During the day I walk and or rock him sometimes. It really depends more on how I'm feeling. I always turn his mobile on to his "sleepy" music. If I put him in his crib awake he almost always is asleep by the end of the 15 minutes it takes to play through the mobile. Sometimes he cries when I leave him like this. On those occasions he always breaks out of his swaddle. And he falls asleep on his side.

While I feel bad about somewhat letting him "cry it out", I know from experience that it will last less than 15 minutes. During those time I usually go to my computer and try to distract myself by emailing and what not.

No matter what I do, he is usually awake within an hour. Happy and ready to play! Sometimes he is still yawning and/or eye rubbing, but he refuses to go back to sleep. Other times I leave him in his crib to play for a bit (mostly when I have a bit of work to get done or I am exhausted and need a few more minutes to myself).

At night we have a very strict routine: bath, naked time, massage, nurse and then sleep. Often Sacha falls asleep nursing, and on the rest of the occasions my husband walks, jiggles and shushes him to sleep. When he wakes during the night he will often fall asleep while nursing. But if he doesn't- it's an uphill battle to get him back to sleep.Sacha is wide awake and smiling- we swaddle, we jiggle, we shush, sometimes I even try nursing again. These are times that I think that I must be living hell on earth. Why, oh why does this happen? It's especially scary now that this has started happening sometimes twice in a night.

Most people say that he seems ok because the lack of sleep doesn't seem to be affecting him. "He's so happy!" they say, "If he needed more sleep he would be crankier."

My actual issue here is two-fold.

One- if Sacha is not napping there is no way I can get some rest myself. Nor is there any way that I can get a nice chunk of work done without feeling like I am leaving him for too long on his own. (To remind you, I am self-employed and work from home. When in Canada mothers usually get one full year mat leave, the conditions of my self-employment have meant that I was working less than 48 hours after Sacha was born.)

The second issue is a bit bigger: Don't babies need sleep in order to process all that they are learning and to grow? This really really is worrying me.

I know I am not alone. I have been reading so many post lately of other mothers dealing with the same issues. But it's so hard. I have no idea if there is anything I can do, and if so what it is!

On thing is almost for certain: it is not a tooth.

ONE+ONE+ONE+ONE... UPDATED

I am so tired today I might just croak. And my husband looks like he's been run over by a truck. He took Sacha grocery shopping so that I could have a break, but I can't fall asleep. I keep thinking about what the little guy has been experiencing the past couple of days.

Let's explore:

Increaced poop (more than his 2 times a day): check!
Waking in the night and taking 1-2 hours to get back to sleep: check!
Not napping: check!
Lots of coughing: check!
Emitting funny gurgly sound while puring lips and sucking on the inside of his mouth: check!
Chapped upper lip: check!
Spitting up alot more than usual: check!
Not knowing what he wants: check!
Being quiet (whenn usually happy and laughing pretty much all.the.time): check!
DROOL KING: check!

Tip of tooth peeking out of gum on top left: check!

Who stole my baby and replaced him with this big boy??

UPDATE: Umm... I think that I lied. Today there seems to be no tooth! What on earth did I see yesterday? And: then what is up with Sacha??

THE BOTTLE

I did talk about this a bit in my previous post. But it's on my mind.

As we speak, Sacha is downstairs with my mother. She is attempting to give him a bottle (of pumped milk) for the third time this week. (The third attempt in one week time. So far: bottle 0.) We think it's best if I stay away while she tries, hence my sitting here typing.

I know: it's not necessary for him to take a bottle. It just means that I can't leave him for more than 3-4 hours during the day, and if we want to go out at night we have to wait until Sacha is asleep at 8 or so.

I actually never thought this would be an issue. I thought I wouldn't care if he took a bottle. At the very end of my pregnancy I bought an inexpensive (relatively speaking) pump and some bottles almost on a whim. A total whim, as I really was leaning very granola in my child rearing ideas.

I thought I would co-sleep. We purchased a co-sleeper and used it as a bassinet in our room for 3 weeks. That's all. I thought I would baby-wear all the time. Which I did often at the beginning of Sacha's life, but he quickly became to heavy to wear constantly. And, of course, I thought my baby would only eat from my breast. No nipple was going to touch my boy's mouth but my own.

(I have other convictions that I'm happy to report that I am sticking to, but that's not the point of this post.)

What I found out very quickly after Sacha was born was that I like my independence. (Which is not to say that I'm not thankful for my baby being in my life, we all know that I am, I don't have to go there, do I?) I just thought that I would be alot more... attached. To be honest, I didn't even read anything about attachment parenting before Sacha's birth. I only found out there was a name, a movement, for what I thought I wanted to do as I began to read baby development literature.

Can I tell you how thrilled I was to have my room back after only 3 weeks of sharing it? I didn't mind going to the next room when Sacha woke at night. In actuality it was easier to change feed and put him back to sleep in his room than in mine.

And can I tell you how thrilled I was when other people wanted to hold the little guy? And how comfy he seemed in his vibrating chair? And in the stroller? And anywhere I would put him down to sleep? Sacha didn't seem to mind, and I certainly felt a whole lot lighter not carrying him around all the time. I may have persisted if he didn't seem happy being put down, but in truth it seemed as if he didn't notice that he wasn't with me! (I know that baby-wearers will refute this, but again... not really the point of this post.)

And can I tell you about the concert tickets that my husband bought for us when I was about 7 months pregnant? The ones for a concert 5 weeks after my due date (Which he didn't even realize! and which ended up being only 3 weeks after Sacha's birth)?

We had to leave Sacha with my parents. And we had to leave a bottle. And he took it. No problem.

I liked the independence of that evening. My husband and I had a great time out. After only 3 weeks of parenthood we were able to leave the baby. It felt amazing to have some sort of semblance of life back if only for a few hours courtesy of Billy Joel.

I made certain that my mother was available to give Sacha a bottle about once a week. And he was always game. Sometimes it took a little coaxing, but my mother is patient beyond belief and Sacha always drank it down in the end.

Until this week. I don't know what is up!! We have tried 2 different types of bottles. I even went out and bought a sippy cup. Let me tell you- he loves that sippy cup. he figured out how to hold both handles, and that the spout goes in his mouth (a genius I tell ya!), but he can't suck hard enough yet (or hasn't figured out that he should suck the spout.)

I'm at a bit of a loss... Like I said, in terms of parenting issues, this doesn't rank so high in the "I have a problem" area.

But I like the little bit of independence that I had. It was what was keeping me sane. I knew I could go out and have a bit of me time at any point as long as there was someone to take care of Sacha. I haven't really written about this at all, but being a mother is alot more difficult that I could have ever imagined. And it's been very very hard on me. So my me time was important, even if it was infrequent.

And I am scared to lose it.

FOUR MONTHS

Last week Sacha turned four months old. It seems incredible that he has already been four months, but on the other hand the past four months seem like forever.

I don't usually post about Sacha. It's more how having him has created, umm, let's say, new challenges in my life. But I thought on this occasion perhaps you would like to know what is going on with the little guy. (Also, I would like to have a record of it. So as usual, my motivation is selfish!)

Without further ado: Senhor Sacha's fine achievements to date.

At three months and one day Sacha figured out how to get his arm out from underneath himself and completed his rollover from back to front. Last week he perfected the front to back roll. We were at my parents' house and once he did it the first time he did not want to stop. Sacha rolled under the coffee table and out the other side and clear across the living room until we could not push the furniture any further. It was fun to watch him; every time he ended up back on his back he looked up surprised like: "whoa! how did I get here!".

Sacha has been putting toys in his mouth for ages. At a few weeks I would hold toys as he would suck on them. Then I would put them in his hand and he would try so hard to hold on as he sucked on them. Then I would leave a toy on his belly and he would pick it up to chew on. Now he reaches for anything in sight to pull towards himself, and when it get there he chomps heartily on it. And does not let go. I remember thinking "is he ever going to have enough strength to hold his toys?", and now here he is, choosing which ones he wants and grabbing at it with one hand.

Speaking of grabbing toys, Sacha's mobile continues to be one of his favorite things (though, as he is developing a bit of a flat spot on his head, I try not to leave him on his back when he is awake.) He is able to track the animals as they make a complete turn, and has started batting at them as they come closer to him. He opens his hand to grab them, but they move ever too quickly for him. I know it won't be long before we have to take it down. (Not to worry, we have the fis.her.pri.ce aquarium all lined up.)

The little guy is almost sitting up on his own. He spends alot of time in his bumbo, and his neck and abs are getting stronger every day. He can sit in his pack and play and while holding on in front of him, and if you prop him on the sofa he pulls himself up straight and hold his head steady. When Sacha is in his car seat he likes to bring his head forward. He sits really well on my lap when I'm at the computer; he puts his hands on the table and bangs as I type.

I am still exclusively breastfeeding. Sacha would take a bottle here and there, but only from my mother. The past couple of days we have been trying to give him a bottle and he is refusing it. Apparently I screwed up there and waited too long between bottle intervals! Now until he starts some solids it's going to be very difficult to leave him with anyone as they can't feed him. But, because he is showing such interest in what I am eating these days, I think I am going to get him a sippy cup to see if he will take it. (He does drink water from my glass, but he won't brink pumped milk from the glass!) I actually would start introducing solids, but we are going to Portugal in a few weeks and I would prefer to wait until we are back to make a big change like that.

Which isn't to say that he needs the solids per se. He seems to be doing fine with breastmilk. When we went to the doctor at 2.5 months Sacha weighed 14.5 pounds. I weighed him last week on a regular scale (me alone, and then me with him, and take the difference) and he was about 17 pounds. We don't go to the doctor again until the middle of September (when he will be almost 6 months), so I won't have a more accurate weight until them. But suffice to say that Sacha is a big boy. (The other day my brother went to snap A sun hat on Sacha and he called over to me: "which chin should I button it under?")

Where sleeping is concerned, we still have not mastered the through-the-night skill. He has been sleeping long stretches at a time (like 7-8 hours) from the time he was about 3 weeks old. I thought he was a champion then, boy! Now it seems like every other kid is sleeping through (like from 7-7!) but little Sacha! I am actually fine with waking up the once in the night to have him nibble; he gets back to sleep pretty quickly afterwards, and so do I. But the past few nights he has been waking up twice in the night! TWICE! I think I smell a sleep regression! Eeeks.

Oy! I am rambling on and on like a proud mama. Well I am! I just can't get over how my little guy is growing. It is phenomenal. So often I turn to The C and say "what have you learned in four months?!". It is simply amazing to watch my son grow. As hard as it has been, this mothering gig is so rewarding in many many ways.

I'll leave you with a few photos of Sacha (from about a month ago) taken by a friend.

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

I'm finding it impossible to be both a mother and a wife. My relationship with my husband is really suffering and I just don't know what to do about.

It's not that I regret anything. Our entire life is different. And it's not that I was naive enough to not think it would be so. But I'm not so sure I am dealing with the change so well. And my husband doesn't know how to deal with me.

I'm not even sure how to write about it.

It's just all fucked.

THE NAPPER

He went down like this:

(I always put him this way, even though this photo is from another day.)

He woke up screeching a bit, but I let him be. He fell asleep again. He woke up again. I heard grunts a poops and hand sucking, but I didn't go into to him, I was letting him do his business in peace. Then there was quiet. I just peeked into the room to see how he was doing.

Breaking free of the swaddle, Sacha discovers that he can indeed roll over in his bed. He will, however, be requesting a wider crib for Chanukah this year.

A GAZILLION THANKS

One of the main reasons I blog is to get things off my chest without having to pay a therapist to listen. Often in the past all I have had to do is type and press publish and my anxiety would lessen. After yesterday's post I actually felt worse after writing.

And then your comments started coming in. And the weight? It lifted. The clouds parted and the sun shone through.

Which brings me to another main reason I blog: the support.

I know I say this time and time again: I don't know what I would do without this community. Thanking you can't get old. It is always wonderful to thank someone (or many someones in this case), is it not? Thank you again and again and again. Yes, you. And you. And you.

So much of what you wrote was helpful and overwhelmingly supportive. While I don't want to rejoice in the fact that many of you new mamas feel the same way I do, by golly does it feel good to know I am not alone.

Some of you asked questions and raised points, and I think it would be great to address them here as a sort of follow up.

Rachel asked if it was possible for me to work in the evening or on the weekends a bit. I do, and it helps. I have no choice... But sometimes I get flack from my husband about wanting to spend "family time" as the three of us. I feel it's a great opportunity to have papa/baby time, but him: not so much. (That post I never wrote about our changing relationship? That's part of it.)

Aurelia suggested trying to coax Sacha into a routine by feeding at certain times and sleeping at certain times. I like this idea... I think that is more what I want than a regimented schedule. And, yes, he is easy going (as in he doesn't usually complain when he's hungry!) so I just may be able to do it. I am not a very flexible person, it's usually all or nothing with me. I realize if I want to implement a routine it will be easier on both me and Sacha if I exercise some flexibility.

I think alot of this is about having the confidence to just feel what I am doing/want to do is right for the baby. (And right for me.)

Oh, and how I love you guys who are with me on independent time. I am just thinking that it can no longer happen in the crib. (I am still not sure about the bumper use. It is in the washing machine as we speak, and I may try it tomorrow on the crib.) Independent play time is getting harder even if isn't in the crib (ie: on his playmat) because he rolls from back to front with such ease and can't figure out how to get back (so I am constantly having to flip him back!)

While this cuts down on time I can be "away" while Sacha is playing, I have to admit that baby development is absolutely fascinating. I can't believe in 16 shot weeks how much this little guy has learned to do!

A couple of you mentioned childcare. I have thought about getting someone in maybe 2 half days a weeks so I can get some solid work done. I will have to increase my workload in order to afford this. When my busy season ramps up in January I will have to revisit the option. Right now it's not something I can spend money on.

Lots of you mentioned diaper output and baby weight. As far as I know we have no problem in that department. Regular pees and poos all around. And I am pretty sure Sacha weighs in the neighbourhood of 17-20 pounds (and he's not yet 4 months!)

Which leads me to the feeding. I have been paying very close attention the past couple of days. Yes, it does seem that I have a fast let down, and Sacha seems to gobble and swallow crazy-fast at the beginning of feeds. Thanks for letting me know that you guys have asked yourselves the same questions regarding "time", and helping me see that we are doing alright.

As for the night feeding- as Serenity pointed out that he actually may not need to eat when he wakes. I have thought about this. I don't know if I have the guts to not feed him at night (I know he won't starve, but still...). He doesn't use a pacifier, so I'm not sure how I would soothe him at night other than picking him up and rocking him. In which case I feel that I might as well feed him.

And finally, a big nod to Robin. Thanks to her I think that I am ready to say fuck you to the Ba.by Whi.sperer. Really, reading her second book is what started this anxiety in the first place!! I think that some good ideas are broached in her book, but I am feeling that being a little more flexible on how I interpret the "advice" will go a loooong way in making my life less anxiety ridden.

(Wow. Did not intend this post to go on for so long.)

So. In conclusion: not enough words to tell you how thankful I am. I can invent a new word for thanks, but then I will have used it, and next time I will have to invent another new one. And well, I have a baby, and work to do, and enough stress already. I hope plain vanilla thanks seems heartfelt enough. I really mean it.

It has been a relief to be free of bad mama thoughts for a day because of all of you.

I am a pretty realistic person (to a fault, some might say).

I don't believe I ever let my intense desire to have a child with my husband cloud the idea that parenting would not be challenging. The thing is, even with my realistic outlook, there was no way I could have been prepared for how.

As usual I have left too much time pass between posts, and I find that there is so much that I want to say. When I sat down to write this post I thought about which topic to write about. I realized the common theme with all of them: what a hard time I am having with this mother thing. How I so often think that I am just not a good mother.

I love Sacha with all my heart and I am thankful for being able to carry him and give birth to him. And I am honoured to be his mama. I am told that he is an easy baby (I don't know babies, so I couldn't say so myself!). He is a delight, he is delicious. It is amazing to watch him grow and change.

However, none of the above make the role of being a mother easier. There is so much that I am struggling with... Can I share a bit?

I constantly worry that Sacha isn't eating enough. I feed him 5 times a day and one time during the night when he wakes up. I would say that on average he eats for about 10 minutes. I was told from the beginning that I shouldn't watch the clock when breastfeeding, that the baby will eat what he needs to eat. But I couldn't help it. As a newborn he could eat for nearly an hour. By month 2 we had mastered the feeding and Sacha would eat for 20 minutes or so. In the past month we have dropped to 10 minutes, and I find that at some feeds it is even less. Often I have to burp him in the middle (unusual for breastfed babies, from what I understand), and he almost always spits up. His pee and poop is not cause for alarm (he fills his diapers plenty), and he doesn't seem to be lacking in the weight department. I also know that after some time babies suck more efficiently. But less than 10 minutes? That just doesn't seem like enough. When do I worry about this?

Closely related to feeding is, of course, sleeping. I can't seem to get the little guy into any type of routine. Being an easy baby he isn't too too fussy. I find that he doesn't wake up at the same time every day, he doesn't nap at them same times every, or for the same amount of time at each nap. (And as a result he doesn't nurse at the same times.) We do get him to be between 8-9 every night, but he hardly ever wakes in the night at the same time. And he has only slept through the night on a handful of random occasions. He's pretty easygoing: He can be awake for up to 5 hours without getting unhappy. What I am unsure about is this: should I just go with his flow? Is my concern about his lack of routine an issue for me because I like routine? Am I trying to impose something on my child that he doesn't really need? If I don't start him on a routine now is it going to be a problem in 3 months, 6 months or a year from now? Am I not teaching him good habits??

You see, I don't know. And not knowing makes me feel incompetent. Which in turn doesn't help with the feeling like a good mother thing.

Here's another thing that I am struggling with. As I've written before, I am self employed and work at home. While I was able to scale down my work for the arrival of the baby, I have not been able to stop working completely. I don't work every day. But I have been working from the day we have gotten home from the hospital (no work means no money coming in- I don't have any maternity benefits.) I really really really wish that I hadn't had to work for the last three months, and that I could have been able to spend every moment with Sacha. That just not a possibility. And neither is "sleeping when he sleeps", because that is time that I have to take to work. (Or blog! And that's why I don't blog so much! I then I end up with post the length of the Bible.) Adding to this is issue, is, with his lack of routine and unreliable nap length, I have been having to work while he is awake. Which means leaving him "alone" (on his play mat, vibrating chair or playing in the crib.) The other day his leg got stuck between the crib bars and he screamed bloody murder. This morning I found him with his arm hanging out. I am worried that I am leaving him too much and that he is going to get injured. (Please do not call child services on me!) I don't know if I should put the bumper pad on his crib for fear of SIDS. Some people tell me that it is ok to leave the baby, that he should learn to play independently. Which is good advice... but how much independence?

Couple this with my sometimes feelings that as much as I want to it is really difficult to entertain a baby all day long. So I leave him to play because I feel I am going to go bonkers. And that makes me feel bad.

All this is just making me into a stressed-out ball of nerves. I know it's not good for me or for Sacha. I read "the books". And then I feel I can't do what the books are telling me to do. Which in turn makes me feel even worse. Like I'm not doing the best for my baby.

I, of course, have other concerns. How will I ever get him to drop the middle of the night feeding. I am reading that babies should be starting to sleep through the night by now. I don't see this happening, no matter how much of an angel Sacha is. But I feel the pressure. What if I'm not doing something right?

Worse is that people seem to think that I am crazy. (I am neurotic. Those of you who have been her for the past 2 years may recall...) It doesn't help that Sacha is all smiles when The C comes home at night, and I just can't seem to get him to comprehend why I feel the way I do. The women who are my support (my mother, my aunt, my grandmother), tell me that Sacha doesn't seem to complain much, so I should not be so worried.

This post is not meant to be whiny or complain-y. The fact of the matter is that I just don't know what to do. At some point on most days I tend to work myself into being so upset that I think how am I going to do this?.

Please don't go telling me after you read this post that I should just be thankful for what I have. I know that. That's part of the problem.

(I also know that this post is a bit all over the place. Thanks for reading, I hope it make a little bit of sense, at least.)

IN-LAWS IN MY FACE

You kow, here's the thing.

I have always been the baby of the family. I was 10 before a new addition was made to the family, and even then I remained the baby. Growing up with family friends I was youngest of all the kids. I have 3 cousins who are younger than me, and 2 neices, and still I am referred to as "the baby". While I was pregnant, I can't even tell you how many times I heard "the baby is having a baby!".

It's funny, I never minded being called the baby. It has never bothered me. I liked the attention.

Now, of course, the baby's baby is born. A family member pointed out to me that I would longer get the attention of the baby in the family. And you know what? I LOVE it. I love that Sacha is the centre of attention around here. It thrills me to have people come over, say a quick hello to me and beeline for the baby. (And I get the distinct feeling that Sacha adores it too!)

Friday night my in-laws called and told my husband that they were coming for the weekend. (Yes, they told him they were coming, not asked if we had other plans, seeing as they would be arriving 12 hours later.) Alas, as annoying as this information was to me, there was little I could do about it. They haven't seen Sacha since he was about 2 weeks old.

I was out all day with Sacha yesterday, and arrived home a few minutes after they arrived at our house. I unlocked the door and there was my father-in-law. He grabbed the baby seat from my hands and plunked the baby down in the living room in front of my mother-in-law, who immediately started fawning over him. The child was still strapped in and it became apparent that the mechanism of the carseat was too much for my mother-in-law to handle so I unbuckled him. My mother-in-law practically pushed me out of the way to lift Sacha out.

As I said before, I am ecstatic that everyone wants to see Sacha right away. And I know they were excited to see him- it had been 3 months. Never mind that they did not take into account that the baby might be scared when faced with people that he doesn't recognize. Never mind that someone that is a strnager to him swooped right in and grabbed him. I am hardly ever comfortable around my in-laws (they don't speak much English, and make very little effort to try to communicate with me), and their behaviour instantly put me on edge. Some kids are sensitive and don't like to be bombarded by strangers. I'm lucky that Sacha likes to laugh and giggle at anyone.

I realized about 10 minutes after our arrival that my in-laws did not even say hi to me. It's almost as if I don't exist. They have never been warm and fuzzy towards me, but now it's apaprent that I was just a vehicle for their grandson. My husband thinks that I am nuts- of course they said hello! He, as I recall, had ran out to the car and not seen this whole transaction, or lack there of.

All day the in-laws have been clapping and whistling at Sacha, holding him when I want him to be playing or having tummy-time. The C showed my mother-in-law some books we found in Portuguese, and asked her if she would read one to Sacha. She basically laughed at the notion that we read to the baby because, of course, he can't understand!

I know it's only a weekend, but it still puts me on edge. Are there not limits to what I should tollerate?

HELP- NOT OF THE BABY KIND

So... As always, Mel over at Stirrup-Queens has come up with another fabulous idea. Go on... click over, but please come back... I need your help.

For those not wanting to click, in a nutshell, she writes:

The first days may have been the hardest days for the Grateful Dead, but the second year is certainly the hardest year for a blogger.

I am less than one week away from getting through the second year.

Therefore, I am marking the event, nodding towards the stamina and the
journey and the hard work by choosing a new secondary blogging name much in the same tradition as a trail name.

[...] If your blog is two years old or older; or when your blog turns two years old (perhaps, if you just crossed into your second year, this will be an impetus to keep writing for 11 more months), please add your blog to the registry I have started on my sidebar--the Blogging Name Project--and state the new secondary blogging name you have either chosen for yourself OR that you asked others to choose for you in a post you place close to the two year mark.

My 2 year blogaversary was June 12. I can hardly believe it’s been 2 years that I have been writing here. I also can’t believe that in that time I was able to conceive and give birth. I am truly blesses. Also, I realized, June 12 of last year marked the first day of my period of the cycle I conceived. Freaky? Yah.

I feel it is important to commorate this. As I roll into my third year of blogging I realize so much has changed around here. I think it would be so, umm, nifty to mark this transition by choosing a secondary blogging name. And that's where you guys come in.

Suggestions? How 'bout I help you help me. You've been reading for a while (some of you from the beginning: Erin, you commented on my very first post!), what words do you think fit me? You know, ones that will be great to mark the past and the future?

Let's come up with something good. Ok- go!

I KEEP SAYING THERE IS SO MUCH TO WRITE ABOUT

And then I don't write about it.
Maybe if I didn't wait so long to post it would be easier...

***

I DID write an almost-complete post about how Sacha has stopped napping. But as I was writing it he decided to take a mega-long nap. Since then he had been mostly alright about the napping. It's really just a matter of us (as in me and Sacha) figuring out what works for him.

***

I have been told time and time again over the past 11 weeks what an "easy" baby Sacha is. I don't have much experience with babies, so I can't really compare. But he's generally happy, eats well, sleeps well, and likes people. I count myself as very very lucky. (Really, I do count it as luck. At this point in his life it's about his disposition, not about my parenting!) I am thankful everyday for my little boy.

***

The little boy, however, is not so little. We went to the doctor yesterday. Sacha weighs 14.5 pounds. That is almost double his birth weight of 7lb 7oz, and more than double his NICU admission weight of 6lb 7oz. He is 25in long. I have packed away all his 0-3 months clothes, and he fits quite well into all the 3-6 month stuff. It is so hard to believe how fast this kid is growing!!

I was a little sad packing up Sacha's first clothes. These were all the items I purchased over a number of months before he was born. I selected each piece with such love, marveling at how tiny they were, thinking about the little boy I would give birth to. Each one was a "favorite", and Sacha looked so yummy in them all.

I was also sad because at the same time I found myself thinking: we'll save them for our next child and what if there isn't another child to wear these...

***

I try to savour every moment just in case. Every smile, giggle, pout.

***

Still the post about my husband is brewing in my head. I compose it over and over. It's just so complicated. I love him. He loves me. We both love the baby. But it's been so rocky for so many weeks now. It's not about how good a father he is. I knew he would always be wonderful in this respect, which is one of the reasons that I wanted so badly to have a family with him. As a matter of fact he has so far exceeded any expectation that sometimes I get teary just watching him with Sacha.

Of course I knew that our relationship would change after the baby was born. Is there any out there that doesn't? We aren't just "us" anymore. But it's more than that... My entire life pretty much revolves around caring for Sacha. And it's hard, it's draining. And in so many ways The C just doesn't understand what it takes on a day to day basis. He doesn't get it, and it makes me feel that he doesn't get me anymore.

I do have to admit, though, that after taking a week off of work to spend with the baby last week, perhaps he has begun to see what is involved with looking after an almost-three-month-old. I see that he is trying harder to be who I need him to be, not just for the baby, but for me. I hope this is a sign of things getting easier on our relationship.

***

Just one more thing on the subject of husbands. What is it with them and sex? Why can't they understand that now is just not a good time? Believe you me, this does not mean that we have not, umm, done it since the baby was born. In fact, in my opinion, we have had more sex then I ever would have imagined possible! Buy, why, why, is that still not enough??!!

***

End of rambling.