I won't keep you insuspense any longer. Here is the down and dirty on the semen deposit.
The C rushed home after work to change, and we headed out to the lab. Upon walking in, it looked like a pretty nice joint. It was in abuilding that was formerly a bank, so that was pretty bizarre. It wasn't busy, there was just one other couple there, and a little boy who was running around being silly and cute. We checked in with the receptionist, which was a somewhat long process, for reasons unknown. Due to this long registration time, the line behind us grew. One person, another person, yet another. We were already told that we would be provided with the facilities of the "public washroom", so all the people around were making me a bit nervous.
At last The C was handed a receptable and pointed toward the bathroom. THE BATHROOM WHICH WAS IN THE WAITING ROOM. As in you walk out and you are looking at all the people in the waiting room. Well, The C didn't hear where the receptionist said to go, so I repeated "to the washroom right behind us" maybe a little too loud. I think this embarassed him a bit (duh!) so he just turned and headed straight there. At which point the recptionist wispered to me (thank goodness she had the decorum to wisper!): "Sometimes couple wait till the waiting room clears out, and then go in together..."
But The C, he was already at the door to the washroom! What was I to do? I ran after the man! We closed the door behind us and broke out into a fit of giggles. Here we were in a bathroom smack dab in the middle of a waiting room, and he is supposed to get it on like this? The room was small, clean, without "paraphernalia", and worst of all: freezing cold. "Holy shit!" exclaimed The C, "It's fucking cold in here!" Again, giggles. Anyways we set about doing what had to be done. I don't know how long it took, but it felt like it was NEVER going to happen.
When it seemed like it was just about to, The C called for the container. Into which he deposited, oh, about two thirds of a sample. The rest landed in drops on the floor. The two of us were in hysterics. The C turned to the sink to wash up, and we discovered that the sink did not work. Ok, mildly gross. We could have been pointed to the other washroom, the one where the was undoubtedly a WORKING FAUCET! But no. We wiped up the best we could, drew in a deep breath and faced the issue of leaving this centrally located room together. Open door, walk directly to receptionist to hand in our homework, and boot it outta there.
Two steps out the door: "I think we were loud," said he.
This was not one of our most intimate sexual encounters, but perhaps one of the funniest. I just hope that the results give us something to smile about...
Friday, July 28, 2006
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
WELL LOOK WHO DROPPED BY
Yes, my period. Very exciting, I know. Today is officially cd2. Finally. I feel like a weight has been lifted from me. 61 days was a very long time.
I know one thing for sure: the homeopathic stuff didn't do it's trick. I needed the "real" shit. I find this really unfortunate. I have been able to treat so many ailments homeopathically, that I am a bit in disbelief that this didn't work. I know there is lots of skepticism about homeopathy, how it works, and how it can possibly work. I also know that for me I have always had positive results. I won't belabour this point, nor will I let it continue to bother me. I'm just surprised, and now the subject is closed. (I certainly won't have to worry about this for another good 50 days!!)
Right... so cd2.
Holy flow, batman. I feel that my old period (pre-pill) ways are back with a vengeance. It's pretty heavy and very uncomfortable. But I know that it will be over in a matter of days and then we can get on with business. And what does business consist of this cycle? I'm so glad you asked, because I would love to share it with you!
When I last visited with my gyn, she gave me a requisition for The C to have a semen analysis. My husband balked at having to abstain for 3 days (ok, a post for another day, people), so he decided that best time to go would be while I was otherwise "occupied". Consider me busy, baby, and let's go wank it. When he called the lab to inquire, he asked what the premises were like. They told him he would go to the bathroom and provide a sample. He feels he would like me to join him, and I am concerned this is a "public" facility. Keep in mind that we are not doing this at a clinic, as we have not yet had out RE appointment (that's in October, for all of you following along at home), it's just in a lab. Ladies, would you mind sharing your experiences with this? I would be so greatful (and so would my husband, I think!)
Also on tap for this cycle: temping! I took my temperature for the first time this morning. I am not investing too much in this thas a means of ovulation predicting. It's more that I want to see what my body is telling me. I am very curious. I also don't know if I will ovulate at all, and want to have a means of measuring. I still haven't decided on the opks, they seem awfully expensive. In any case I don't have to decide for a few days yet!
Lastly, I am to start my clomid 100mg on day 5 (til day 9). Last time with my 50mg I noted some mild bitchiness (I am bitchy on most days anyways, so I'm not entirely sure that it was clomid induced...) I am a bit nervous about the doubled dose and the side effects that may ensue. I am also scared that The C won't "understand". And one more thing: I am worried that if I have very few side effects that it will indicate that I am not ovulating.
So there you have it. Must remember to run out tomorrow and grap some more super plus tampons!
And continue to obsess about all things IF related.
I know one thing for sure: the homeopathic stuff didn't do it's trick. I needed the "real" shit. I find this really unfortunate. I have been able to treat so many ailments homeopathically, that I am a bit in disbelief that this didn't work. I know there is lots of skepticism about homeopathy, how it works, and how it can possibly work. I also know that for me I have always had positive results. I won't belabour this point, nor will I let it continue to bother me. I'm just surprised, and now the subject is closed. (I certainly won't have to worry about this for another good 50 days!!)
Right... so cd2.
Holy flow, batman. I feel that my old period (pre-pill) ways are back with a vengeance. It's pretty heavy and very uncomfortable. But I know that it will be over in a matter of days and then we can get on with business. And what does business consist of this cycle? I'm so glad you asked, because I would love to share it with you!
When I last visited with my gyn, she gave me a requisition for The C to have a semen analysis. My husband balked at having to abstain for 3 days (ok, a post for another day, people), so he decided that best time to go would be while I was otherwise "occupied". Consider me busy, baby, and let's go wank it. When he called the lab to inquire, he asked what the premises were like. They told him he would go to the bathroom and provide a sample. He feels he would like me to join him, and I am concerned this is a "public" facility. Keep in mind that we are not doing this at a clinic, as we have not yet had out RE appointment (that's in October, for all of you following along at home), it's just in a lab. Ladies, would you mind sharing your experiences with this? I would be so greatful (and so would my husband, I think!)
Also on tap for this cycle: temping! I took my temperature for the first time this morning. I am not investing too much in this thas a means of ovulation predicting. It's more that I want to see what my body is telling me. I am very curious. I also don't know if I will ovulate at all, and want to have a means of measuring. I still haven't decided on the opks, they seem awfully expensive. In any case I don't have to decide for a few days yet!
Lastly, I am to start my clomid 100mg on day 5 (til day 9). Last time with my 50mg I noted some mild bitchiness (I am bitchy on most days anyways, so I'm not entirely sure that it was clomid induced...) I am a bit nervous about the doubled dose and the side effects that may ensue. I am also scared that The C won't "understand". And one more thing: I am worried that if I have very few side effects that it will indicate that I am not ovulating.
So there you have it. Must remember to run out tomorrow and grap some more super plus tampons!
And continue to obsess about all things IF related.
Monday, July 24, 2006
MY RETURN
So… I’m still waiting for my period…
If I followed the previously known pattern, it should be arriving tomorrow. Formerly we worked like this: 5 days Provera, and then period five days later. I don’t feel anything going on down there. No cigar, people. Nada. So very frustrating.
I am off on vacation (without the one who holds the sperm) on August 19, and I am really hoping to get some down and dirty action before then. But at this rate: who can tell?
In the meantime I thought I would amuse and confuse you with tales of my brief sojourn in Toronto.
It is no secret that news that you can’t deal well with comes in threes. It always does. Without fail. Let me tell you about a woman I work out with. Her son and daughter-in-law have two boys. On Monday I was informed about the third. Let me also notify you of a daughter of a friend of the family. Married for a year… and happily expanding the family.
At last let’s discuss my wonderful friend whom I visited in the days past. We reveled at the fact that it was practically 20 years ago to the day that we met. We have been through tons together. She comforted me one night when a boyfriend dumped me because I wouldn’t sleep with him. I was her maid of honour at her wedding. And so on. My friend and I climbed into her car on Thursday morning to run some errands in preparation for her beautiful daughter’s second birthday party. We turned left off her street and then right onto the main road. “Before we go shopping” she said, “I have an appointment downtown.” I looked at her quizzically. She continued: “For an ultrasound.” Given the way my week was going I really should have seen it coming. (Three’s a charm!) I was shocked, elated, mad, and excited all at once. My friend told me that she had not told anyone yet, including the parents, but when I told her I was coming she was so excited to tell me and to have me join her at her appointment. Sweet and touching-yes. Incredibly painful-only you guys can imagine.
All through the drive I just kept asking her questions. I was so afraid that if I stopped to really think about it, I would have a complete meltdown. I commend myself on my composure while in the waiting room. I play a daily game I call “How many pregnant women today?” Well this day won hands down. Pregnant bellies here, there, everywhere. It really was a whole lot of too much. As the waiting room cleared out (we were approaching the lunch hour,) my friend inquired about our efforts. Back when we visited in January I told her a bit about not ovulating, and how it was certainly not going to be easy for us. So I provided her with an update, and our rough game plan. For someone sitting there pregnant, a baby who we were both moments away from seeing, she was incredibly understanding and empathetic. It felt good to talk to her. She told me that thought obviously she couldn’t possibly know what I’m going through (duh!) she is here for me, and we can always talk. I appreciated that so so much. Like any other pains that we have seen each other through, she is here for me. Really a true friend.
I bet you’re all wondering about the ultrasound…
It was pretty darn close to the most incredible experience ever. I teared up, she teared up, and she told me how happy she was that I was there with her. I was the first person to see her baby! Amazing. Near the end I looked at the technician and exclaimed “oh my god he’s moving!” Wow. Later my friend remarked: “It’s funny you said he when you referred to the baby. I totally have a feeling it’s a boy.”
What doesn’t kill us will only make us stronger.
If I followed the previously known pattern, it should be arriving tomorrow. Formerly we worked like this: 5 days Provera, and then period five days later. I don’t feel anything going on down there. No cigar, people. Nada. So very frustrating.
I am off on vacation (without the one who holds the sperm) on August 19, and I am really hoping to get some down and dirty action before then. But at this rate: who can tell?
In the meantime I thought I would amuse and confuse you with tales of my brief sojourn in Toronto.
It is no secret that news that you can’t deal well with comes in threes. It always does. Without fail. Let me tell you about a woman I work out with. Her son and daughter-in-law have two boys. On Monday I was informed about the third. Let me also notify you of a daughter of a friend of the family. Married for a year… and happily expanding the family.
At last let’s discuss my wonderful friend whom I visited in the days past. We reveled at the fact that it was practically 20 years ago to the day that we met. We have been through tons together. She comforted me one night when a boyfriend dumped me because I wouldn’t sleep with him. I was her maid of honour at her wedding. And so on. My friend and I climbed into her car on Thursday morning to run some errands in preparation for her beautiful daughter’s second birthday party. We turned left off her street and then right onto the main road. “Before we go shopping” she said, “I have an appointment downtown.” I looked at her quizzically. She continued: “For an ultrasound.” Given the way my week was going I really should have seen it coming. (Three’s a charm!) I was shocked, elated, mad, and excited all at once. My friend told me that she had not told anyone yet, including the parents, but when I told her I was coming she was so excited to tell me and to have me join her at her appointment. Sweet and touching-yes. Incredibly painful-only you guys can imagine.
All through the drive I just kept asking her questions. I was so afraid that if I stopped to really think about it, I would have a complete meltdown. I commend myself on my composure while in the waiting room. I play a daily game I call “How many pregnant women today?” Well this day won hands down. Pregnant bellies here, there, everywhere. It really was a whole lot of too much. As the waiting room cleared out (we were approaching the lunch hour,) my friend inquired about our efforts. Back when we visited in January I told her a bit about not ovulating, and how it was certainly not going to be easy for us. So I provided her with an update, and our rough game plan. For someone sitting there pregnant, a baby who we were both moments away from seeing, she was incredibly understanding and empathetic. It felt good to talk to her. She told me that thought obviously she couldn’t possibly know what I’m going through (duh!) she is here for me, and we can always talk. I appreciated that so so much. Like any other pains that we have seen each other through, she is here for me. Really a true friend.
I bet you’re all wondering about the ultrasound…
It was pretty darn close to the most incredible experience ever. I teared up, she teared up, and she told me how happy she was that I was there with her. I was the first person to see her baby! Amazing. Near the end I looked at the technician and exclaimed “oh my god he’s moving!” Wow. Later my friend remarked: “It’s funny you said he when you referred to the baby. I totally have a feeling it’s a boy.”
What doesn’t kill us will only make us stronger.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
JUST TO LET YOU KNOW
So I've been running around like a chicken with my head sut off the past couple of days. (I'm self-employed, so if I don't do the work, it just doesn't get done.)
I'm off to Toronto to visit my friend and her 2 year old daughter and her husband who is the owner of the quote upon which my blog is named. (See above!) I love my friend dearly, and her baby too. We are making a party for her second birthday, and I know there will be at least 4 other kids there (aged 1 month to 2 years.) I am looking forward to having some time off, and some fun, and am so hoping that the party won't be as difficult as I think it might be.
I'm sure I will have plenty to say on my return.
Till then, thanks so much for the opk advice and hints. I actually still have not gone out and purchased any product. Today is day 4 of the Provera prettiness. I still have a few days till I start to bleed.
I'm off to Toronto to visit my friend and her 2 year old daughter and her husband who is the owner of the quote upon which my blog is named. (See above!) I love my friend dearly, and her baby too. We are making a party for her second birthday, and I know there will be at least 4 other kids there (aged 1 month to 2 years.) I am looking forward to having some time off, and some fun, and am so hoping that the party won't be as difficult as I think it might be.
I'm sure I will have plenty to say on my return.
Till then, thanks so much for the opk advice and hints. I actually still have not gone out and purchased any product. Today is day 4 of the Provera prettiness. I still have a few days till I start to bleed.
Friday, July 14, 2006
DAY OMG
I just counted and it's day 50, folks. Yup, that's right, the big 5-0. O.M.G.
I am calling the homeopathic provera a bust, and going out to fill my provera and clomid prescriptions this aft. I am so very frustrated. I really had faith in the homeopathic route to bring on my period. It's very disappointing. I don't know why it hasn't worked... Is it becasue my body is so screwed up?
Really I would wait a bit longer, but this is my problem: I am going on vacation August 19-without The C. So let's say I take my provera like a good girl tomorrow, cd1 will probably be July 20. As per my dr's instructions, we are supposed to start our baby-making sex on day 11, and continue (on a specific scedule) until at least day 21.
(I know it is baffling that we are actually using s.e.x. as a method of conception, but let's not forget that my appointment with the RE is still 3.5 months away, and this is the best that my GYN can offer me at the moment.) But i digress. Back to the calculations.
So cd11 will be July 30, and cd21 will be August 9. This is all assuming that I O on or around day 14-20; and 2. that I actually O at all. (!!!!!) Man, this is getting to me. And I haven't even started at the clinic yet. In any event, should I actually conceive this month, the end of my 2ww (if I O around day 14, and we consider this a 28 day cycle, even if I don't get my period unless I take provera,) will be while I am on a cruise with my mother. Who doesn't know about our "efforts". What am I going to do? Take a pee stick on the cruise? What if I'm pregnant (From my mouth to Gd's ears.) What if I'm NOT?
Oh ya, and one other thing: about OPKs... Can you guys please help me out because I'm a moron. I want to know for certain (as certain as you can be with OPKs) that I am ovulating this month (or that I am not.) So I want to use some OPKs... I have looked in the drugstore and I don't see them on the shelf. WHERE DOES ONE FIND THEM? And what is your recommendation on them? Please for the love of all things holy, help me out!
Umm... Thanks.
I am calling the homeopathic provera a bust, and going out to fill my provera and clomid prescriptions this aft. I am so very frustrated. I really had faith in the homeopathic route to bring on my period. It's very disappointing. I don't know why it hasn't worked... Is it becasue my body is so screwed up?
Really I would wait a bit longer, but this is my problem: I am going on vacation August 19-without The C. So let's say I take my provera like a good girl tomorrow, cd1 will probably be July 20. As per my dr's instructions, we are supposed to start our baby-making sex on day 11, and continue (on a specific scedule) until at least day 21.
(I know it is baffling that we are actually using s.e.x. as a method of conception, but let's not forget that my appointment with the RE is still 3.5 months away, and this is the best that my GYN can offer me at the moment.) But i digress. Back to the calculations.
So cd11 will be July 30, and cd21 will be August 9. This is all assuming that I O on or around day 14-20; and 2. that I actually O at all. (!!!!!) Man, this is getting to me. And I haven't even started at the clinic yet. In any event, should I actually conceive this month, the end of my 2ww (if I O around day 14, and we consider this a 28 day cycle, even if I don't get my period unless I take provera,) will be while I am on a cruise with my mother. Who doesn't know about our "efforts". What am I going to do? Take a pee stick on the cruise? What if I'm pregnant (From my mouth to Gd's ears.) What if I'm NOT?
Oh ya, and one other thing: about OPKs... Can you guys please help me out because I'm a moron. I want to know for certain (as certain as you can be with OPKs) that I am ovulating this month (or that I am not.) So I want to use some OPKs... I have looked in the drugstore and I don't see them on the shelf. WHERE DOES ONE FIND THEM? And what is your recommendation on them? Please for the love of all things holy, help me out!
Umm... Thanks.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
IF I DON'T KILL THEM, IT WILL KILL ME
I stole a bit from Flygirl's comment there. That is the "it will kill me" part.
Consider this post a suite to my previous one.
My wonderful friend, and I were having dinner last night. We got onto the topic of friends of her's that are ready to have a baby. They are two awesome women who are going to be great moms. My friened mentioned that they were doing IUI*, and I didn't want to be nosy and ask any specifics (have they tried yet? do they have a clinic? What is their protocol?).
And I also thought: If they get pregnant before me then I will just DIE.
Yikes.
Thanks for telling me that I am normal, people. But I feel so mean. I know so many people who have gotten "oops!" pregnant (never mind those that conceived in the first month of "trying"), that the inability for me to conceive is so much more apparent to me.
Fuck.
*Acutally she referred to it as "the turkey baster route"... to which I advised her that she not call "it" that when speaking to them.
Consider this post a suite to my previous one.
My wonderful friend, and I were having dinner last night. We got onto the topic of friends of her's that are ready to have a baby. They are two awesome women who are going to be great moms. My friened mentioned that they were doing IUI*, and I didn't want to be nosy and ask any specifics (have they tried yet? do they have a clinic? What is their protocol?).
And I also thought: If they get pregnant before me then I will just DIE.
Yikes.
Thanks for telling me that I am normal, people. But I feel so mean. I know so many people who have gotten "oops!" pregnant (never mind those that conceived in the first month of "trying"), that the inability for me to conceive is so much more apparent to me.
Fuck.
*Acutally she referred to it as "the turkey baster route"... to which I advised her that she not call "it" that when speaking to them.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN
A friend and I met for lunch the other day (my one friend who know about our infertility, but who recently I've found that I just can't share everything with.) We were walking down the street and discussing her going off the pill (not to get pregnant, but because she doesn't want to take the pill. She really is not in the market for a family at the moment.) We joked around about this a bit until the issue of her possibly getting pregnant by accident came up. To which I said with complete seriousness "Then I might kill you."
I instantly hated myself for saying something that was so selfish (ie: if you have a child before me that would make me want to commit murder), and that was the utter truth.
When did I become so bitter?
I instantly hated myself for saying something that was so selfish (ie: if you have a child before me that would make me want to commit murder), and that was the utter truth.
When did I become so bitter?
Sunday, July 09, 2006
WHEN WILL IT END?
My cycle that is.
(In answer to the question when will it end in relation to infertility and me-I am too scared to think of that answer. Because I fear it won't be anywhere near "soon".)
So ya. Just calculated and I am officially on CD 46. Holy shit!
I do have my prescription for Provera sitting right here under my keyboard, but I really am trying to give my homeopthic remedy a chance. It has been 4 days now. Usually when I take the Provera my period cames 4 days after my last of 5 doses. So I will wait. Which will make this cycle even longer. Which is a little depressing. Which blah.
Last week I raised a point to my one freind who I discuss IF with: If my cycles last 45 days, that means that I only have 8 chances in the year to get pregnant. Whereas someone who has a 28 cycle has 13. As I inch higher in my cycle, 8 times is becoming 7... And this is not making me happy. When I was with my doctor last week we joked about how I will probably only get in one more cycle before my appointment with the RE in October. Some fucking joke. As this rate that really looks like that's what going to happen. The anxiety is mounting as I right this.
Had a mega fight with The C this morning. BIG and UGLY. In the middle of it I was thinking to myself that it could just be hormones. But then I remembered... I'm not on anything at the moment. So much for that excuse. Apparently I was being bitchy all on my own. (For those who care, the fight was about washing the screens and the windows.) Whenever we have a fight about something that is (in hindsight) insignificant, I find myself wondering if we should be having children. I worry abought fighting like this in front of the kids. I worry about fighting like this about issues that have to do with the kids. Ha! talk about jumping the gun! "Kids", she says! In plural!
I'm not sure where I'm goiong with this. I just feel like crap and need to get it out. I wonder how we are going to deal with our infertility as time ticks on. How supportive will The C be when (if) if comes time for IUI? What about IVF? What about helping me with shots? Dealing with the side effects? Fighting makes me question everything. And become a bit irrational.
(In answer to the question when will it end in relation to infertility and me-I am too scared to think of that answer. Because I fear it won't be anywhere near "soon".)
So ya. Just calculated and I am officially on CD 46. Holy shit!
I do have my prescription for Provera sitting right here under my keyboard, but I really am trying to give my homeopthic remedy a chance. It has been 4 days now. Usually when I take the Provera my period cames 4 days after my last of 5 doses. So I will wait. Which will make this cycle even longer. Which is a little depressing. Which blah.
Last week I raised a point to my one freind who I discuss IF with: If my cycles last 45 days, that means that I only have 8 chances in the year to get pregnant. Whereas someone who has a 28 cycle has 13. As I inch higher in my cycle, 8 times is becoming 7... And this is not making me happy. When I was with my doctor last week we joked about how I will probably only get in one more cycle before my appointment with the RE in October. Some fucking joke. As this rate that really looks like that's what going to happen. The anxiety is mounting as I right this.
Had a mega fight with The C this morning. BIG and UGLY. In the middle of it I was thinking to myself that it could just be hormones. But then I remembered... I'm not on anything at the moment. So much for that excuse. Apparently I was being bitchy all on my own. (For those who care, the fight was about washing the screens and the windows.) Whenever we have a fight about something that is (in hindsight) insignificant, I find myself wondering if we should be having children. I worry abought fighting like this in front of the kids. I worry about fighting like this about issues that have to do with the kids. Ha! talk about jumping the gun! "Kids", she says! In plural!
I'm not sure where I'm goiong with this. I just feel like crap and need to get it out. I wonder how we are going to deal with our infertility as time ticks on. How supportive will The C be when (if) if comes time for IUI? What about IVF? What about helping me with shots? Dealing with the side effects? Fighting makes me question everything. And become a bit irrational.
Friday, July 07, 2006
TAGGED! FYI
Well Angie went ahead and tagged me. Since I have nothing else going on at the moment, I figured I would use up so blog space with this. And of course you can find out a bit more about me. (You know... things other than my cycle and my bitchiness, and my potty mouth, and my ability to attract the most asshole of heathcare workers.)
7 things I would like to do before I die
1. Have some heathy children (is that #1 on everyone's list or what?)
2. Travel around the world, visit every continent
3. Ride a motorcycle
4. Speak Portuguese fluently
5. Design and build the house of my dreams
6. Watch my children grow up and have families of their own
7. Live happily ever after
7 things I can't do
1. Touch my toungue to my nose
2. Play piano
3. Play teams sports (I'm just not coordinated enough)
4. Drive slowly
5. Eat olives
6. Say no to ice cream
7. Lie with a straight face
7 things that attracted me to my husband
1. His smile
2. His cute bum
3. That he's Portuguese (I thought that was sooo exotic when we met!)
4. That he is so passionate about so many things, but most of all me
5. He has a great relationship with his family, especially his mama
6. That when I invited myself up to his dorm room, he obliged (haha!!)
7. His hight (he's not much tller than me-we are both short, and so we look very cute together)
7 books that I love
1. The Time Traveller's Wife
2. She's Come Undone
3. Fall on Your Knees
4. The Poisonwood Bible
5. Stones From the River
6. Bridget Jones's Diary (Please don't kill me!)
7. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
7 Movies I'd watch over and over
1. Beaches
2. Dead Poets Society
3. Man on the Moon
4. Dirty Dancing
5. I Heart Huckabees
6. Top Gun
7. Forest Gump
7 things I would like to do before I die
1. Have some heathy children (is that #1 on everyone's list or what?)
2. Travel around the world, visit every continent
3. Ride a motorcycle
4. Speak Portuguese fluently
5. Design and build the house of my dreams
6. Watch my children grow up and have families of their own
7. Live happily ever after
7 things I can't do
1. Touch my toungue to my nose
2. Play piano
3. Play teams sports (I'm just not coordinated enough)
4. Drive slowly
5. Eat olives
6. Say no to ice cream
7. Lie with a straight face
7 things that attracted me to my husband
1. His smile
2. His cute bum
3. That he's Portuguese (I thought that was sooo exotic when we met!)
4. That he is so passionate about so many things, but most of all me
5. He has a great relationship with his family, especially his mama
6. That when I invited myself up to his dorm room, he obliged (haha!!)
7. His hight (he's not much tller than me-we are both short, and so we look very cute together)
7 books that I love
1. The Time Traveller's Wife
2. She's Come Undone
3. Fall on Your Knees
4. The Poisonwood Bible
5. Stones From the River
6. Bridget Jones's Diary (Please don't kill me!)
7. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
7 Movies I'd watch over and over
1. Beaches
2. Dead Poets Society
3. Man on the Moon
4. Dirty Dancing
5. I Heart Huckabees
6. Top Gun
7. Forest Gump
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
OH MY
I didn't realize the quantiy of f-bombs laid in my last post. I certainly didn't mean to offend anyone. I was just so angry. I have always sworn alot, I think I inherited that from my mother. In any event, I will certainly watch my potty mouth!
In other news, non fertility related, The C and I had a lovely trip to wonderful Pittsburgh this weekend. We went for our friends' wedding reception, and it was a blast. We partied with some friends we hadn't seen in a while. OH. BOY. Did we party. I drank like a non-pregnant person, becasue, well I am not. I hadn't had a drop of booze for 48 days, so it went right to my head, and alll the other right places. It was FUN. We danced, we sang, we acted like we were 18 again. And nobody even talked about babies (making them, having them or wanting them.) A breath of fresh air. The drive home took us 10 hours, and aside from the extreme uncomfortableness of the car, I rather enjoyed spending all that uninterrupted time with The C.
I just came home from picking up my homeopathic provera. I'm excited to see if it does it's magic. Bring on the period, honey! I will certainly keep you posted on how it works with me. I do have to say that tough I see my homeopath regularly, I'm not sure how to explain how homeopathy works, and all the intricacies of the field. I do know that my remedies (and I take various types for different things,) certainly help me to feel good, balanced, and over all well. All these things are good for creating a positive environment for a baby to grow inside me. If you guys are interested, I strongly suggest you contact a homeopath in your area to find out more. My homeopath seems quite confident that she can help with my infertility.
In another bit of randomness, I thought I would recount my conversation with the receptionist at my doctor's office.
Me: Hi, this is Ms. C calling. I had a pregnancy test and I would like the result.
Her: Hold on
Me: (listening to cool 80's music on hold. about 2.5 songs play, along with some ads.)
Her: Who's this?
Me: Ms. C
Her: What's your hospital card #?
Me: One sec, have to go get it, sorry!
(I come back with card, and tell her number)
Her: Hold on
Me: (Holding and thinking that perhaps I have reached my fill of soft rock for the day)
Her: Well I don't see a pregnancy test here, I see some other stuff...
Me: Yes, I had a Beta HCG
Her: Yes, BHCG, I see that
Me: (I know I'm not pregnant, but still, you know that little glimmer of something that may be recognized as the faintest bit of I don't know? hope?)...
Her: Right, well, it's less than 1, you're not pregnant, goodbye.
Me: (to dial tone) .....
I have to ask you, people... Do I do something that makes people treat me in these weird ways?
Happy Canada Day (3 days ago), and Happy 4th to you all!
In other news, non fertility related, The C and I had a lovely trip to wonderful Pittsburgh this weekend. We went for our friends' wedding reception, and it was a blast. We partied with some friends we hadn't seen in a while. OH. BOY. Did we party. I drank like a non-pregnant person, becasue, well I am not. I hadn't had a drop of booze for 48 days, so it went right to my head, and alll the other right places. It was FUN. We danced, we sang, we acted like we were 18 again. And nobody even talked about babies (making them, having them or wanting them.) A breath of fresh air. The drive home took us 10 hours, and aside from the extreme uncomfortableness of the car, I rather enjoyed spending all that uninterrupted time with The C.
I just came home from picking up my homeopathic provera. I'm excited to see if it does it's magic. Bring on the period, honey! I will certainly keep you posted on how it works with me. I do have to say that tough I see my homeopath regularly, I'm not sure how to explain how homeopathy works, and all the intricacies of the field. I do know that my remedies (and I take various types for different things,) certainly help me to feel good, balanced, and over all well. All these things are good for creating a positive environment for a baby to grow inside me. If you guys are interested, I strongly suggest you contact a homeopath in your area to find out more. My homeopath seems quite confident that she can help with my infertility.
In another bit of randomness, I thought I would recount my conversation with the receptionist at my doctor's office.
Me: Hi, this is Ms. C calling. I had a pregnancy test and I would like the result.
Her: Hold on
Me: (listening to cool 80's music on hold. about 2.5 songs play, along with some ads.)
Her: Who's this?
Me: Ms. C
Her: What's your hospital card #?
Me: One sec, have to go get it, sorry!
(I come back with card, and tell her number)
Her: Hold on
Me: (Holding and thinking that perhaps I have reached my fill of soft rock for the day)
Her: Well I don't see a pregnancy test here, I see some other stuff...
Me: Yes, I had a Beta HCG
Her: Yes, BHCG, I see that
Me: (I know I'm not pregnant, but still, you know that little glimmer of something that may be recognized as the faintest bit of I don't know? hope?)...
Her: Right, well, it's less than 1, you're not pregnant, goodbye.
Me: (to dial tone) .....
I have to ask you, people... Do I do something that makes people treat me in these weird ways?
Happy Canada Day (3 days ago), and Happy 4th to you all!
Thursday, June 29, 2006
SOME PEOPLE...
Hey, guess what people? I saw Dr. Happy-go-lucky today!
I walked into the office (I didn't have a real appointment), and about 15 minutes later Nurse Sweet called out my name. (I must add that I never wait less than an hour when I have an appointment there. No joke. I can read a whole book while waiting. So I consider myself very lucky today.) Nurse sweet quided me into Dr. HGL's office, where I plopped myself down and read for a good half hour. (But I was in her office-no one was getting ahead of me.) (Boy am I overusing the brakets today or what?!)
Enter Doctor. She sat down and discussed the cycle. I whipped out my list, and pinned her down for some answers. Here's what what we decided:
I walked into the office (I didn't have a real appointment), and about 15 minutes later Nurse Sweet called out my name. (I must add that I never wait less than an hour when I have an appointment there. No joke. I can read a whole book while waiting. So I consider myself very lucky today.) Nurse sweet quided me into Dr. HGL's office, where I plopped myself down and read for a good half hour. (But I was in her office-no one was getting ahead of me.) (Boy am I overusing the brakets today or what?!)
Enter Doctor. She sat down and discussed the cycle. I whipped out my list, and pinned her down for some answers. Here's what what we decided:
1. I will go straight to the hospital for a blood test-do not pass go, do not collect $200.00. (I have to go to the hospital if I want a free blood test. It's just up the hill from the office, so I don't mind. And the wait isn't too bad.) She ordered a beta (which we know will be neg,) and some other stuff that I will post about when I get the results.
2. Asked about ultrasound to check that there are not cysts. She told me that if I had OHSS that I would know. She is not concerned that with my past dose of 50mg clomid that this would have occured. I did read R's story over at The Uterine Grail, and yes I am a bit freaked out, but I am goign with my Dr. on this one for this cycle.
3. Talked about Provera to end this cycle. I told the Dr. that my Homeopath suggested homeopathic provera, and she was cool with this. I told her I would give it a shot, and if my period didn't come in 2 weeks then I would take the drugs. She was interested, and wanted me to keep her posted on whether or not it did the trick. (Good response from a doctor, as docotr's in general do not "believe" in homeopathy.)
4. Talked about my previous blood tests. She showed me the lab report, and yes the number did look fine. Like really fine. She doesn't see a reason to retest right now. I am still shoked by these levels.
5. Dr. HGL provided me with a requisition for a semen analysis for The C (who is currently on vacation- wait till he gets home to hear about this!!) She told me very seriously: "You MUST abstain for 3 days prior to the test!" Aye, Aye, Boss.
6. When period arrives I will take my 100mg of Clomid like a good girl. Then I will have sex on a schedule. With my husband. And chances are it won't be good. (The Sex.) Because when you have to have it, generally that is the case. It stresses me out that I might get pregnant from non-passionate sex. I know, I'm a freak. But I also realize that means that I am thinking that I actually might get pregnant from having sex, period. A woman can hope, can't she?
I left the office feeling light hearted, a little fancy free, even. I know! Weird! I'm not sure what came over me! The McDonald's next door beckoned me and I succomed to a McFlurry. I couldn't resist, people! Could NOT resist! Besides, I needed the energy to walk up the hill. It's a trek! And it's hot out! I got to the blood clinic, and there was but one person in line ahead of me, Oh, the day was getting even better! "Next" called the guy (let's call him Idiot.) I hand Idiot my form, my hospital card and my medicare card. He enters my info and looks up at me (slobbering away at my last spoonfuls of McFlurry) and says: "oh, so you're pregnant!" (Ok, everyone who just fell of their seats, back on your chairs so that you can read the rest of my story.) I resisted all urges to grab Idiot my the nutsack, whip his balls around his anus and pull them up to stuff in his mouth, and repied: "No, thanks, but I don't think so." TO WHICH HE HAD THE AUDACITY TO REPY: "Oh, I think you aaaaaare!" (In a sing song voice.)
I have a couple of issues here.
First: who trained this guy? I mean really! It is not his place to comment on the type of test I am getting. It is his job to enter my information into a computer, for the love of all things holy! What if I was getting an HIV test? would he have said: "Oh, so you have AIDS!" I mean, COME THE FUCK ON!
Second: What on earth would actually make him think that I was pregnant in the first place. Granted, I am no small girl (I am a good 40 pounds overweight), but I certainly do not look pregnant. Chubby, yes. Volumptuous, ok. But certainly not pregnant. (And don't non-pregnant women eat McFlurrys?)
Third: What if I didn't want to be pregnant? What if I was raped and I was having this test to see if I had conceived like that? WHAT IF? I think that would be almost a million times worse that being infertile and having a beta, knowing that of course you can't be pregnant, you're infertile.
Fourth: The fact of the matter is that I KNOW that I am not pregnant. And I really wish that I was. And that having this test means another failed month, another day I have to wait. Taking this test is just a medical confirmation of the shit that I already know about. And it fucking sucks.
This Idiot was really lucky that toady I decided to wear my thick skin.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
A LITTLE CHILLAXED
Boy, you guys sure know how to empathize. It is amazing to me that we have all had experience like the one that I had yesterday with the receptionist at the doctor's office. I litterally got off the phone thinking what the fuck. So rude.
Anywyas, I am trying to move on. The nurse called at 5:30 (on my cell) as I was preparing dinner at my parents' house. The fact that she tracked me down impressed me somewhat (I actually happen to like the nurse, she's very sweet), and then she passed me along to Dr. Happy-go lucky. I told her that I wanted to come in and see her, and she was totally ok aobut that. She also seemed genuinely disappointed to hear that I had a negative HPT. I would have asked her all my questions, but of course I wasn't home, and I couldn't remember them all. Dr. HGL did say something about the possibility of Metformin, and that really freaks me out.
So tomorrow I am off the the doctor, for a bloodtest, and to ask all the questions. Today I am chilled out a bit. We shall see what tomorrow brings!
Anywyas, I am trying to move on. The nurse called at 5:30 (on my cell) as I was preparing dinner at my parents' house. The fact that she tracked me down impressed me somewhat (I actually happen to like the nurse, she's very sweet), and then she passed me along to Dr. Happy-go lucky. I told her that I wanted to come in and see her, and she was totally ok aobut that. She also seemed genuinely disappointed to hear that I had a negative HPT. I would have asked her all my questions, but of course I wasn't home, and I couldn't remember them all. Dr. HGL did say something about the possibility of Metformin, and that really freaks me out.
So tomorrow I am off the the doctor, for a bloodtest, and to ask all the questions. Today I am chilled out a bit. We shall see what tomorrow brings!
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
IS THIS WHAT I AM IN FOR?
I called my Gyn's office this morning to get things back on the road. A replay of the conversation between me and the receptionist.
Her: Dr's office
Me: Hi there, this is Ms. C speaki-
Her: (cutting me off) Hold on
Me: (listens to "Total Eclipse of the Heart" followed by some ads while on hold for an interminable period of time.)
Her: Yes, who is this?
Me: This is Ms. C
Her: Yes?
Me: Well, I was prescibed Provera and Serophene by Dr. Happy-go-lucky and now I have taken a pregnancy test and, well, I'm not pregnant.
Her: Did you get your period?
Me: No, that's why I'm calling, I would like a new prescription.
Her: Well, when did you take the Provera?
Me: (almost in tears-why am I having to go through this with the RECEPTIONIST) 45 days ago. Then I tool the Serophene and now its is many days later, I took a HPT and it appears that I am NOT PREGNANT. So I would like to keep moving along.
Her: Hold on.
Me: (Holding....)
Her: What's the number of your pharmacy?
Me: (gives number first and then I say) But I would really like to talk to Dr. HGL before I start my next cycle. I have a couple of questions...
Her: (a bit annoyed) I'll see what I can do.
Me: Thanks so much (bitch.)
It's a number of hours later and I still haven't heard back. I haven't heard form the pharmacy either. I WOULD like to go in for a blood test to be CERTAIN that I am not pregnant. (Not like I'm not certain, but I need the concrete proof.) I have a good friend's wedding reception this weekend, and I can't think of a better way to celebrate that and my non-conception that to get pissed drunk.
Her: Dr's office
Me: Hi there, this is Ms. C speaki-
Her: (cutting me off) Hold on
Me: (listens to "Total Eclipse of the Heart" followed by some ads while on hold for an interminable period of time.)
Her: Yes, who is this?
Me: This is Ms. C
Her: Yes?
Me: Well, I was prescibed Provera and Serophene by Dr. Happy-go-lucky and now I have taken a pregnancy test and, well, I'm not pregnant.
Her: Did you get your period?
Me: No, that's why I'm calling, I would like a new prescription.
Her: Well, when did you take the Provera?
Me: (almost in tears-why am I having to go through this with the RECEPTIONIST) 45 days ago. Then I tool the Serophene and now its is many days later, I took a HPT and it appears that I am NOT PREGNANT. So I would like to keep moving along.
Her: Hold on.
Me: (Holding....)
Her: What's the number of your pharmacy?
Me: (gives number first and then I say) But I would really like to talk to Dr. HGL before I start my next cycle. I have a couple of questions...
Her: (a bit annoyed) I'll see what I can do.
Me: Thanks so much (bitch.)
It's a number of hours later and I still haven't heard back. I haven't heard form the pharmacy either. I WOULD like to go in for a blood test to be CERTAIN that I am not pregnant. (Not like I'm not certain, but I need the concrete proof.) I have a good friend's wedding reception this weekend, and I can't think of a better way to celebrate that and my non-conception that to get pissed drunk.
Monday, June 26, 2006
THANK YOU
To everyone! For your comments, encouragement and ideas. I realize that there are some things that I can control, and for those I will certainly take action.
I like lists, so I will make one.
1. Call Gyn to get requisition for blood test.
2. Go for test, wait for negative result from bitchy receptionist. (Who last time said to me: "Well what do you want the result to be?" before she let me have it.)
3. Will ask Gyn about ultrasound before starting Clomid again to make sure there are no cysts (thanks Erin!)
4. Work on ending this cycle (ie: get me a period!) I am currently working with a Homeopath to try to see if I can regulate my cycle in a more natural way. This might take a bit longer than just pumping in the Provera, but if I could save some drugs from going into my body it would make me feel so much better. (I'm sure I will write a post about this at some other time).
5. Give the Homeopathic remedy until July 10 to work its magic. If we don't have success there, bring on the Provera.
6. Will ask Gyn to do day 3 bloods to have an acturate story about all my levels.
7. Will ask Gyn about semen analysis for The C. (thanks GZ, hopefully this will speed things along.)
8. If Gyn will not do mid-cycle monitoring, get BBT equipment, and keep track.
9. Will call clinic to pester about earlier appointment. (Thanks Thalia!)
10. When period comes, start my 100mg of Clomid. Proceed with s-e-x, albeit on a schedule that is bound to drive me batty.
Wow, I actually think that I feel better. Also writing this list here makes me think that I have a responsibility to uphold. I must complete this list.
I like lists, so I will make one.
1. Call Gyn to get requisition for blood test.
2. Go for test, wait for negative result from bitchy receptionist. (Who last time said to me: "Well what do you want the result to be?" before she let me have it.)
3. Will ask Gyn about ultrasound before starting Clomid again to make sure there are no cysts (thanks Erin!)
4. Work on ending this cycle (ie: get me a period!) I am currently working with a Homeopath to try to see if I can regulate my cycle in a more natural way. This might take a bit longer than just pumping in the Provera, but if I could save some drugs from going into my body it would make me feel so much better. (I'm sure I will write a post about this at some other time).
5. Give the Homeopathic remedy until July 10 to work its magic. If we don't have success there, bring on the Provera.
6. Will ask Gyn to do day 3 bloods to have an acturate story about all my levels.
7. Will ask Gyn about semen analysis for The C. (thanks GZ, hopefully this will speed things along.)
8. If Gyn will not do mid-cycle monitoring, get BBT equipment, and keep track.
9. Will call clinic to pester about earlier appointment. (Thanks Thalia!)
10. When period comes, start my 100mg of Clomid. Proceed with s-e-x, albeit on a schedule that is bound to drive me batty.
Wow, I actually think that I feel better. Also writing this list here makes me think that I have a responsibility to uphold. I must complete this list.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
THE FINALE
I’m thinking it’s fine time to finish this story up. I have to say it’s been great getting all these years of emotions off my chest, even if I am doing so in a rather rambling fashion. It’s good to get it all out, alright!
Oh yes, the October 23rd Appointment. Thanks, LutC, for freaking out about the date! Believe me, I did too when I heard it. Holy shit, I thought, that’s not for another 7 months (as this was back in April.) Surprisingly, for being a big city, it doesn’t seem like Montreal has that much to offer in terms of fertility centres. The one my appointment is at comes very highly recommended by my doctor, and apparently it is very personal. I’m excited about what I have heard and read about this clinic, but of course I won’t know till I get there. The receptionist who I spoke to seemed real sweet, especially as we were winding down our call and she said: “Just letting you know there is a $100.00 cancellation fee if do not cancel more than 24 hours before your appointment.” To which I replied: “Well why on earth would I want to cancel??” “Well you might be pregnant!” she said with glee. Wishful thinking! It never occurred to me that it could happen, but I guess it does…
So, until then (four months minus one day and counting):
My gynecologist has issued me a ticket on the Clomid train. (Really it’s Serophene, but you know, it’s all the same!) (You see LutC, I am getting busy in the meantime!!) Round 1 with 50mg is coming to a close. Because I don’t spontaneously bleed, we started with another dose of Provera. I hadn’t gotten my period since November, and it showed up in true form. It wasn’t going to let me down this time. It pulled out all the stops, making a real spectacle of itself. (Please refer back to Part 1 to learn how much I REALLY love to menstruate.) I took the drugs form days 5-9 and waited for some side effects. I don’t think that much happened; perhaps I was a bit mood swingy. I did have a full meltdown one evening right before going to sleep, and I mean COMPLETE. Like the world was going to fall apart. Like nothing would ever be right. Like my husband is a terrible creature.
Of course he is not terrible. Without him I don’t think I would have made it through the night. Funny shit drugs do to you.
When my five days were up, it was time to start doing it like rabbits, as per my doctor’s schedule. (Having done so much research I am interested in the fact that she doesn’t think that it’s necessary to do any monitoring mid cycle. But that’s a whole other post on its own.) As mentioned before I am quite neurotic, I worry a lot and get stressed quite easily. Before we even began, the thought of having sex on a schedule was freaking me out. What is we forget? What if I’m too tired? What if it’s not good? What if we miss the one millisecond that I actually ovulate? And WHAT IF HIS SPERM ISN’T GOOD (we haven’t tested yet…)
I am very serious when it comes to following directions and doing things just right. I feel that if I do one little thing wrong that it will jeopardize any chance we have with conceiving by having old fashioned sex. The worst part is that I can’t help thinking that all this stress and worrying is just the beginning. There are parts of my heart and brain that are already pretty sure that the Clomid won’t do the trick.
I POAS last Sunday for the hell of it. It was day 24 of my cycle. (Maybe I ovulated early, I thought to myself. After all, I don’t really know what a cycle is for me.) Of course it was negative. (DUH!) I don’t know how I am going to be able to do this month after month. I walked to the drugstore to get a test for tomorrow (Day 31). The store was closed. No stick for me!! On day 35 I can go for a blood test to prove the inevitable and start this process all over again.
Now that I’ve made the decision that I want to get pregnant, I feel that every second ticking away. Once I set my mind to something I like to take control and make it happen. It’s always how I have done everything in my life. I am not a person who fails, gives up or gives in. I think that’s what the hardest part of facing my infertility.
Oh yes, the October 23rd Appointment. Thanks, LutC, for freaking out about the date! Believe me, I did too when I heard it. Holy shit, I thought, that’s not for another 7 months (as this was back in April.) Surprisingly, for being a big city, it doesn’t seem like Montreal has that much to offer in terms of fertility centres. The one my appointment is at comes very highly recommended by my doctor, and apparently it is very personal. I’m excited about what I have heard and read about this clinic, but of course I won’t know till I get there. The receptionist who I spoke to seemed real sweet, especially as we were winding down our call and she said: “Just letting you know there is a $100.00 cancellation fee if do not cancel more than 24 hours before your appointment.” To which I replied: “Well why on earth would I want to cancel??” “Well you might be pregnant!” she said with glee. Wishful thinking! It never occurred to me that it could happen, but I guess it does…
So, until then (four months minus one day and counting):
My gynecologist has issued me a ticket on the Clomid train. (Really it’s Serophene, but you know, it’s all the same!) (You see LutC, I am getting busy in the meantime!!) Round 1 with 50mg is coming to a close. Because I don’t spontaneously bleed, we started with another dose of Provera. I hadn’t gotten my period since November, and it showed up in true form. It wasn’t going to let me down this time. It pulled out all the stops, making a real spectacle of itself. (Please refer back to Part 1 to learn how much I REALLY love to menstruate.) I took the drugs form days 5-9 and waited for some side effects. I don’t think that much happened; perhaps I was a bit mood swingy. I did have a full meltdown one evening right before going to sleep, and I mean COMPLETE. Like the world was going to fall apart. Like nothing would ever be right. Like my husband is a terrible creature.
Of course he is not terrible. Without him I don’t think I would have made it through the night. Funny shit drugs do to you.
When my five days were up, it was time to start doing it like rabbits, as per my doctor’s schedule. (Having done so much research I am interested in the fact that she doesn’t think that it’s necessary to do any monitoring mid cycle. But that’s a whole other post on its own.) As mentioned before I am quite neurotic, I worry a lot and get stressed quite easily. Before we even began, the thought of having sex on a schedule was freaking me out. What is we forget? What if I’m too tired? What if it’s not good? What if we miss the one millisecond that I actually ovulate? And WHAT IF HIS SPERM ISN’T GOOD (we haven’t tested yet…)
I am very serious when it comes to following directions and doing things just right. I feel that if I do one little thing wrong that it will jeopardize any chance we have with conceiving by having old fashioned sex. The worst part is that I can’t help thinking that all this stress and worrying is just the beginning. There are parts of my heart and brain that are already pretty sure that the Clomid won’t do the trick.
I POAS last Sunday for the hell of it. It was day 24 of my cycle. (Maybe I ovulated early, I thought to myself. After all, I don’t really know what a cycle is for me.) Of course it was negative. (DUH!) I don’t know how I am going to be able to do this month after month. I walked to the drugstore to get a test for tomorrow (Day 31). The store was closed. No stick for me!! On day 35 I can go for a blood test to prove the inevitable and start this process all over again.
Now that I’ve made the decision that I want to get pregnant, I feel that every second ticking away. Once I set my mind to something I like to take control and make it happen. It’s always how I have done everything in my life. I am not a person who fails, gives up or gives in. I think that’s what the hardest part of facing my infertility.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
OK, WHERE DID I LEAVE OFF
Right! Wanting a baby! A baby-woo hoo!
I am not a pessimistic person. I definitely think that the glass is half full. In fact when it comes to my life I dare say that the glass is pretty damn near full. In the past when it came to talking about having kids I always said "yes, I can't wait! But not now, one day...". There was always a reason for "not now": let's travel! renovate the house! And other things like: I'm not so patient, maybe I won't be a good mother. As I said, I'm not a pessimist, but a realist. And neurotic.
My husband, though, he got to me. "We've traveled," he said. And of course he reassured me that there was no doubt in his mind that I would be a terrific mother. A mother to our babies that we would have together. (Man, if you all could hear the big sigh that I made as I wrote that line...)
I had been worrying for years what would happen when I went off the pill. Me, the realist (not pessimist!): "Well, honey when I stop talking the pill, I don't think that I'm gonna get my period so easily..." Him, the eternal optimist (and typical misinformed man): "Oh darling, you're older now, you've probably grown out of the trouble with your period." Me: "Are you on Crack? A woman knows her body." And off the pill I went.
The last pill I took was on August 1, 2005. I was 30 years old.
I don't have to tell you how exhilarating it was to have sex for the first few weeks without birth control. OMG, we were making a baby! Ya right.
Like I said, a woman knows her body. My period didn't come in September, and it didn't come in October. In November I called my doctor and she prescribed Provera. I was humiliated that I had to have a blood test to make sure I wasn't pregnant first. I know you have to do that, but come on! A girl who doesn't ovulate can't get pregnant! Negative test, Start Provera.
I hadn't seen my period for 2 months, so I thought for sure I would bleed like a mad woman. Not so. My period was quite light. Heck, there was so little flow I was frightened to use a tampon. BUT, there was flow! We had period! Maybe I wasn't so broken.
December, January, February, March... I felt like knocking on my uterus and screaming "HELLO, WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE?" My face was breaking out. I had the worst zits ever. (I still do, but as the moths are wearing on I'm learning not to look in the mirror and obsess about them too much.) And, of course I had the return of the facial hair. (Pretty, I know... but I am adept at using tweezers.) My husband kept saying: "Give it time, you will ovulate, you will get your period on your own." I knew something was up, but was scared to face it. I was reading infertility info and your blogs day in and day out. I was getting a glimpse of what was in store for us. Every day I thought: today I will call the doctor. And then I didn't.
I waited till my annual pap to broach the subject with my doctor again. We discussed how I didn't get my period again, how I wanted to get pregnant, and how I was getting very anxious. She sent me for the range of bloods, for a lovely ultrasound, and handed me the number for a fertility clinic to make an appointment.
Imagine my shock when the bloods all came back within normal range. Me! Normal! Hormones! This was a major surprise. The other surprise (though because of my history and my extensive research was not so major,) was the result of the ultrasound: polycystic ovaries. Of course this explains ALOT, but I still baffled that with the ovarian cyst that I had removed a number of years ago no one thought to periodically check on my ovaries. Also, I had been told that the removed cyst was a one time deal, and doesn't have any relationship to my current PCO. Well that's all in the past, and I will never know is this is a condition I have had for most of my life.
Oh and the fertility clinic? Earliest appointment? October 23rd.
I hate to leave you hanging, but I gotta go work out... check back for the exciting conclusion of Ms. C's story-to-date!
I am not a pessimistic person. I definitely think that the glass is half full. In fact when it comes to my life I dare say that the glass is pretty damn near full. In the past when it came to talking about having kids I always said "yes, I can't wait! But not now, one day...". There was always a reason for "not now": let's travel! renovate the house! And other things like: I'm not so patient, maybe I won't be a good mother. As I said, I'm not a pessimist, but a realist. And neurotic.
My husband, though, he got to me. "We've traveled," he said. And of course he reassured me that there was no doubt in his mind that I would be a terrific mother. A mother to our babies that we would have together. (Man, if you all could hear the big sigh that I made as I wrote that line...)
I had been worrying for years what would happen when I went off the pill. Me, the realist (not pessimist!): "Well, honey when I stop talking the pill, I don't think that I'm gonna get my period so easily..." Him, the eternal optimist (and typical misinformed man): "Oh darling, you're older now, you've probably grown out of the trouble with your period." Me: "Are you on Crack? A woman knows her body." And off the pill I went.
The last pill I took was on August 1, 2005. I was 30 years old.
I don't have to tell you how exhilarating it was to have sex for the first few weeks without birth control. OMG, we were making a baby! Ya right.
Like I said, a woman knows her body. My period didn't come in September, and it didn't come in October. In November I called my doctor and she prescribed Provera. I was humiliated that I had to have a blood test to make sure I wasn't pregnant first. I know you have to do that, but come on! A girl who doesn't ovulate can't get pregnant! Negative test, Start Provera.
I hadn't seen my period for 2 months, so I thought for sure I would bleed like a mad woman. Not so. My period was quite light. Heck, there was so little flow I was frightened to use a tampon. BUT, there was flow! We had period! Maybe I wasn't so broken.
December, January, February, March... I felt like knocking on my uterus and screaming "HELLO, WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE?" My face was breaking out. I had the worst zits ever. (I still do, but as the moths are wearing on I'm learning not to look in the mirror and obsess about them too much.) And, of course I had the return of the facial hair. (Pretty, I know... but I am adept at using tweezers.) My husband kept saying: "Give it time, you will ovulate, you will get your period on your own." I knew something was up, but was scared to face it. I was reading infertility info and your blogs day in and day out. I was getting a glimpse of what was in store for us. Every day I thought: today I will call the doctor. And then I didn't.
I waited till my annual pap to broach the subject with my doctor again. We discussed how I didn't get my period again, how I wanted to get pregnant, and how I was getting very anxious. She sent me for the range of bloods, for a lovely ultrasound, and handed me the number for a fertility clinic to make an appointment.
Imagine my shock when the bloods all came back within normal range. Me! Normal! Hormones! This was a major surprise. The other surprise (though because of my history and my extensive research was not so major,) was the result of the ultrasound: polycystic ovaries. Of course this explains ALOT, but I still baffled that with the ovarian cyst that I had removed a number of years ago no one thought to periodically check on my ovaries. Also, I had been told that the removed cyst was a one time deal, and doesn't have any relationship to my current PCO. Well that's all in the past, and I will never know is this is a condition I have had for most of my life.
Oh and the fertility clinic? Earliest appointment? October 23rd.
I hate to leave you hanging, but I gotta go work out... check back for the exciting conclusion of Ms. C's story-to-date!
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
THIS IS IT (PART ONE)
I am facing that getting pregnant is going to be a challenge. I've been discussing it constantly with my husband for months. Sometimes we talk about having a baby in the same way we talk about traveling around the world, or having the most beautiful gardens in a huge back yard of a mansion. As if they are dreams-things that we can strive for, but in reality might not be able to attain. I've been avoiding writing out my story up to this point. I feel like writing it here is going to make it very real.
I think I always knew that I would have trouble conceiving.
My chest developed early, I got my first period when I was twelve (which for my stage of development seemed a little late in retrospect). I sat in the bathroom and cried. I didn't know how to tell my mother. I was too shy to leave the bathroom and say "Mom, I need a pad." I didn't have to, because she knocked on the door and came in and showed me what to do. It was a horrible 7 days. So heavy, so yucky. I was happy and relieved when it didn't come back the next month. Or the month after that. Or for about 7 months after that. And again it arrived. Heavy as anything. Just thinking about it now makes shudder. My boobs kept growing. This I did not complain about, it made for a very curvy teenaged body. I dreaded getting my period-I never knew when it was going to come, but I knew how bad it would be.
I always had dark hair on my legs and my arms. How I begged my mother to let me start shaving!! Oy! The trials and tribulations of a teenager! At about 15 I started noticing hair on my face. It was kind of make its way down my face like sideburns. I know- not so attractive for a young lady. I was totally self-conscious about it, and was even mocked on a couple of occasions. However, this coupled with my infrequent periods was enough to wisk me off to the doctor. I was referred to an endocrinologist and my mom took me to see her gynecologist. It did not take too long to find that my hormones were out of whack. (To this day I still don't know what was too high or too low...) It was decided that we should wait a bit before we started any treatment-after all, I was young, maybe this would all straighten itself out. In the meantime I went for electrolysis to remove the hair from my face.
Fast forward a couple of years... Guess what? Periods were still not cooperating. It's decided that I should go on the pill. (It must have been horrifying for my mother to go in and fill the prescription as she was friends with the pharmacist.) Well for me-it was a miracle! Regular periods that weren’t heavy! No new hair growth on my face! Thinner and lighter hair on my legs! And birth control-an added bonus. For years there was little I could complain about when it came to my area of conception. I never grew to love my period, but I certainly learned to accept it. I was thrilled when it signified that I was not pregnant.
I saw the endocrinologist regularly for check ups (and he used to make fun of me coming to see him dressed in my school uniform-I think he dealt mainly with older women.) I have to say that honestly I have little recollection of these appointments. My mother did most of the talking-I was very shy. Or maybe I have selective memory. I can remember what the waiting room looked like. I can picture the doctor’s office. But I have no idea what was discussed.
When I was 21 he suggested I go for an ultrasound just to see what was going on. At the appointment a large cyst was found in one of my ovaries. Surgery was scheduled for the Christmas holidays of my third year of university. They removed it by laparoscopy, and I was told that it was the size of a grapefruit. And that my ovary was totally fine. And so I go about my life.
The next year the C (my husband) and I make our on again off again relationship official. After living together for 6 years and finishing graduate school we got married. Which up to that point was really the best day of my life. Each day we spend together reinforces the fact that we are meant to be together. Each hurdle we have to cross makes up stronger as a couple.
The C has always talked about having kids. Family is really important to him, and starting our family has always been at the front of his mind. I have to say that his biological clock has been ticking for years. He was the one who got mush at the sight of babies on the street. We each have 2 nieces that we are very close with. I love them all to pieces. Until about a year ago I also loved that at the end of the day I was able to hand them back to their parents at then end of the day. A year ago I realized that we both had steady work. We had enough money. We are settled where we want to live. We have a big enough home. We were ready for the challenge. We wanted a baby.
I think I always knew that I would have trouble conceiving.
My chest developed early, I got my first period when I was twelve (which for my stage of development seemed a little late in retrospect). I sat in the bathroom and cried. I didn't know how to tell my mother. I was too shy to leave the bathroom and say "Mom, I need a pad." I didn't have to, because she knocked on the door and came in and showed me what to do. It was a horrible 7 days. So heavy, so yucky. I was happy and relieved when it didn't come back the next month. Or the month after that. Or for about 7 months after that. And again it arrived. Heavy as anything. Just thinking about it now makes shudder. My boobs kept growing. This I did not complain about, it made for a very curvy teenaged body. I dreaded getting my period-I never knew when it was going to come, but I knew how bad it would be.
I always had dark hair on my legs and my arms. How I begged my mother to let me start shaving!! Oy! The trials and tribulations of a teenager! At about 15 I started noticing hair on my face. It was kind of make its way down my face like sideburns. I know- not so attractive for a young lady. I was totally self-conscious about it, and was even mocked on a couple of occasions. However, this coupled with my infrequent periods was enough to wisk me off to the doctor. I was referred to an endocrinologist and my mom took me to see her gynecologist. It did not take too long to find that my hormones were out of whack. (To this day I still don't know what was too high or too low...) It was decided that we should wait a bit before we started any treatment-after all, I was young, maybe this would all straighten itself out. In the meantime I went for electrolysis to remove the hair from my face.
Fast forward a couple of years... Guess what? Periods were still not cooperating. It's decided that I should go on the pill. (It must have been horrifying for my mother to go in and fill the prescription as she was friends with the pharmacist.) Well for me-it was a miracle! Regular periods that weren’t heavy! No new hair growth on my face! Thinner and lighter hair on my legs! And birth control-an added bonus. For years there was little I could complain about when it came to my area of conception. I never grew to love my period, but I certainly learned to accept it. I was thrilled when it signified that I was not pregnant.
I saw the endocrinologist regularly for check ups (and he used to make fun of me coming to see him dressed in my school uniform-I think he dealt mainly with older women.) I have to say that honestly I have little recollection of these appointments. My mother did most of the talking-I was very shy. Or maybe I have selective memory. I can remember what the waiting room looked like. I can picture the doctor’s office. But I have no idea what was discussed.
When I was 21 he suggested I go for an ultrasound just to see what was going on. At the appointment a large cyst was found in one of my ovaries. Surgery was scheduled for the Christmas holidays of my third year of university. They removed it by laparoscopy, and I was told that it was the size of a grapefruit. And that my ovary was totally fine. And so I go about my life.
The next year the C (my husband) and I make our on again off again relationship official. After living together for 6 years and finishing graduate school we got married. Which up to that point was really the best day of my life. Each day we spend together reinforces the fact that we are meant to be together. Each hurdle we have to cross makes up stronger as a couple.
The C has always talked about having kids. Family is really important to him, and starting our family has always been at the front of his mind. I have to say that his biological clock has been ticking for years. He was the one who got mush at the sight of babies on the street. We each have 2 nieces that we are very close with. I love them all to pieces. Until about a year ago I also loved that at the end of the day I was able to hand them back to their parents at then end of the day. A year ago I realized that we both had steady work. We had enough money. We are settled where we want to live. We have a big enough home. We were ready for the challenge. We wanted a baby.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
FATHER'S DAY
Father's Day for us is not so much a holiday, but an excuse to gather the immediate family together. My mom and dad, my brother and his girls, my grandmother and grandfather. For seven months of last year my grandfather was in the hospital very close to death. His miraculous and full recovery makes every event that we share with him a complete blessing. And of course I always look forward to seeing my wonderful nieces who are 7 and 9. I wasn't thinking much about this being a day for fathers when my mom suggested lunch at our house.
I was running around with my mother picking up food for our lunch. Some stuff to throw on the grill, some salads, and dessert. We picked up three mini cakes that looked delish-one of each kind available. As we were carrying the stuff back to the car my mom noted: "one cake for each of the dads" (my dad, my grandfather and my brother.) Then she said: "I hope the C doesn't feel left out." To which I replied: "He's not a father, he doesn't get one."
I felt so instnatly sad and nauseous. I wish I was able to give him a baby so that he could celebrate this day too. A day that formerly meant not so much to me suddenly is causing me to feel like i have a giant boulder sitting on my chest.
I was running around with my mother picking up food for our lunch. Some stuff to throw on the grill, some salads, and dessert. We picked up three mini cakes that looked delish-one of each kind available. As we were carrying the stuff back to the car my mom noted: "one cake for each of the dads" (my dad, my grandfather and my brother.) Then she said: "I hope the C doesn't feel left out." To which I replied: "He's not a father, he doesn't get one."
I felt so instnatly sad and nauseous. I wish I was able to give him a baby so that he could celebrate this day too. A day that formerly meant not so much to me suddenly is causing me to feel like i have a giant boulder sitting on my chest.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
DELURKING
I have a confession to make: I have been lurking around the blogoshere for months now. I'd been reading blogs for a while, but then one day, amidst my pain, thinking about how in the world it will every be possible for me to conceive a baby, I stumbled upon one infertility blog. Which led me to another. And yet another. And many many many more. I couldn't believe it. There were women out there like me! Not like this is a club that I wanted to belong to, but really, this is the only body I have, and so I knew that I was going to have to work with it.
And so my hunting and gathering of reproductive and infertility information began. Until that point I was really relying on what my gynecologist was telling me about. Hello!! That was just not enough for me. And then I found all of you. Some with seemingly similar problems, others with issues I didn't even know could occur. You have let me into your lives, allowed me to read about your ups and downs. You have shown me that wow, it really can happen, we can get pregnant. And also that sadly, scarily, the one thing that I fear most, that possibly some of us can't. You have taught me so much: why I need blood tests, what my levels should be, get thee an ultrasound, and the acronyms-oh my!
Reading about real people has given me the strength to address my personal fears. Layer by layer I am getting to my feelings on what I feel my body is in some way denying me and my husband. And I am learning how to talk to my husband about infertility. My sweet, darling husband (well, most of the time!) who has been talking about a family from the day we met. My husband who really didn't want to believe that infertility could be in store for us (though I have had an inkling about this practically my entire life.) Because of all of you out there, I have the courage to open up tackle our infertility.
I have never commented on any of the blogs I read. I didn’t feel it was right unless I was able to give you somewhere to find out about me, after you have shared so much, so openly. I was also scared that I wouldn’t be taken seriously. “Who is this girl? Why does she think that she belongs in the same category as me?”, I always imagined everyone thinking. Though, comparatively, I know this is the beginning of my journey with infertility, I want to lend my support to those I have been reading. I don’t know how long the road is, and I have been set on this path unwillingly, but I have no choice but to follow it.
So I present you with my blog, a space that has taken me so long and so much courage to create. Somewhere I can chronicle this journey, however long it may be, and somewhere where I hope I can find the support that I am looking for from time to time.
I am delurking. For me and for you.
And so my hunting and gathering of reproductive and infertility information began. Until that point I was really relying on what my gynecologist was telling me about. Hello!! That was just not enough for me. And then I found all of you. Some with seemingly similar problems, others with issues I didn't even know could occur. You have let me into your lives, allowed me to read about your ups and downs. You have shown me that wow, it really can happen, we can get pregnant. And also that sadly, scarily, the one thing that I fear most, that possibly some of us can't. You have taught me so much: why I need blood tests, what my levels should be, get thee an ultrasound, and the acronyms-oh my!
Reading about real people has given me the strength to address my personal fears. Layer by layer I am getting to my feelings on what I feel my body is in some way denying me and my husband. And I am learning how to talk to my husband about infertility. My sweet, darling husband (well, most of the time!) who has been talking about a family from the day we met. My husband who really didn't want to believe that infertility could be in store for us (though I have had an inkling about this practically my entire life.) Because of all of you out there, I have the courage to open up tackle our infertility.
I have never commented on any of the blogs I read. I didn’t feel it was right unless I was able to give you somewhere to find out about me, after you have shared so much, so openly. I was also scared that I wouldn’t be taken seriously. “Who is this girl? Why does she think that she belongs in the same category as me?”, I always imagined everyone thinking. Though, comparatively, I know this is the beginning of my journey with infertility, I want to lend my support to those I have been reading. I don’t know how long the road is, and I have been set on this path unwillingly, but I have no choice but to follow it.
So I present you with my blog, a space that has taken me so long and so much courage to create. Somewhere I can chronicle this journey, however long it may be, and somewhere where I hope I can find the support that I am looking for from time to time.
I am delurking. For me and for you.
Monday, June 12, 2006
WHY? BECAUSE.
Because I am looking for support.
Because I want to lend support.
Because I don't want to keep this to myself anymore.
Becasue I know I'm not alone.
Because I you are proof that it can happen.
Becasue I am scared that for me it might not.
Because I want to lend support.
Because I don't want to keep this to myself anymore.
Becasue I know I'm not alone.
Because I you are proof that it can happen.
Becasue I am scared that for me it might not.
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