WELCOME BABY LUCA

There isn't much time to write... but I wanted to let you all know of Luca's arrival!

He was born at home on July 3 at 2.32 am after 3 hours of active labour. It was everything I could have hoped for and more.

And now we are a family of 4. It's impossibly hard to believe.

Thank you all for your support. I could never have made it through this journey without you.

And now, feast your eyes:

37 WEEKS

I'm now 39 weeks and one day. I just realized that I never posted this... Everything is still relevant, so I'll just post this as is, and see if I will update again before posting anything about the birth.

I'm not really sure how it's all happened so fast.

Just wow. I could have a baby anytime from now to 5 weeks from now. I'm fine with that... mostly. I'm not one that is good with change. And this time around I have a better idea of what I'm "headed for".

Or not. I don't know. And I won't til this baby actually comes.

Today my nanny dragged me into the storage room and said: "Ok, we have to deal with this. Which bins have the baby stuff?"

Seriously.

We spent the next two and a half hours going through everything. Clothes for the first 6 months (though the seasons are switched this time round), toys, bottles, blankets, sheets, towels, toys, cloth diapers. Everything.

It was so surreal. I'm actually going to use this baby stuff again.

So. Things are getting washed, and through out the week I will work on really cleaning the baby room (it's SO dusty since it hasn't been used since Sacha moved to his big boy room in February), and making a list of what I still need to get.

Other things that are going on...

*Apparently I am in total nesting mode because I have been cooking and freezing like a mad woman. My goal is to have 4 servings of 6 or so different meals prepared so that I don't have to worry about dinner for at least a month after the baby arrives.

*More nesting: I feel the need to clean and organize everything in the house. Today it was all the filing cabinets in my office. Still to do: Hall closet, freezer, garage (which I am putting on my husband's list to do...). I would love to get to our clothes closets in the bedroom, but I have a feeling that ain't goonna happen.

*Thinking about birth. My perspective is so different this time. We are planning a homebirth with a midwife, and I am so excited. From about 12 hours after my birth with Sacha I have been dreaming about birthing at home. I really hope we can make it happen (ie: start labour naturally, and not have to go in for induction at 42 weeks).

*As excited as I am about the homebirth, my family is completely unsupportive. Wait. Usupportive would be putting it mildly. Nasty, rude and spewing uninformed false information at me is more like it. I don't intend for my blog to turn into a place to debate the merits of birthing at home/in hospital/at a birthing centre. Maybe later though- like after the baby's born. I certainly don't need any more negative energy surrounding my choice than I've already got!

*Changes, changes, changes. In February we moved Sacha to his bigger and better big boy room, with a big boy bed. Then we hired a new nanny (our "old" nanny is pregnant too). And the new nanny encouranged us to start toilet training. And then we figured it was time to tell Sacha that he was going to be a big brother. So- many changes on that front. We did have a number of weeks of upheaval, and I spent many hour crying and worried that we had changed too much at once for my sweet child. But... true to his nature he bounced back, and seems happier than ever. He really is a big boy ready to be a big brother.

That about sums it up. Now... just waiting on the baby. Will keep you posted!

AND BACK AGAIN

A quickie.

Where did we leave off. Ya.

At our 7wk ultrasound we saw an awesome heartbeat.

Then I got sick. Like horrible cough, I am going to die, I can't even believe that I haven't coughed up my lung yet, sick.

And guess what?

I'm still sick. 2 rounds of antibiotics (which have freaked me the fuck out because I don't even take medication when I'm not carrying a baby on board) later.

Still coughing. Still blowing. Functioning at about 80%. Which is not terrible considering I felt 20% at some times over the past 7 weeks.

So. Pregnancy has not really been on my mind. The only "symptom" I have is sick.

But. BUT. We went for our NT scan last week, and the little guy looks wonderful. All is well.

Really, thank God.

Happy holidays to all. I'm thinking about you always.

SIX WEEKS

And all is well, apparently.

We had an u/s today and got to see the fetus- all 1.3mm of it! But measuring right on target. With what seemed to be a teeny tiney flicker of a heartbeat.

Of course we are going back next week to fully enjoy seeing the beating heart.

It still feels so surreal.

On the one hand I don't want to hope too much and get too excited yet. Things can still happen.

I certainly am calmer, less worried and more positive than I was last time. (Wow, I went back and read my posts from the beginning of my pregnancy with Sacha, and lordy, I was a mess!)

On the other hand I know I can carry a pregnancy to term and give birth to a healthy baby.

But then I keep reminding myself that nothing is for sure.

Back and forth and back and forth with the emotions. But I'm hanging in there.

I will update for sure with next week's u/s (good) news.

And then I will have to face the decision of deciding about my prenatal care. (A post of its own for another time!)

BREATHE OUT... FOR NOW

So- the nuber came back at 1663.

That's a doubling time of 46 hrs from the last beta, and 44 hrs from the first beta. (Or vise vera, I can't remember- I'm tired.)

So- in the clear. For the time being. Because although I don't want to be, I am feeling totally neurotic.

Next Wednesday is the viability scan. I will be 6w, and the nurse said they should see a heartbeat. I thought that would be closer to 7w- can someone help me out with that?

Will try not to obsess too much between now and then.

Thank you all for your kind words and support this week. Wow. You are all so awesome.

WAITING

If I was a normal 5w pregnant lady who did it with her partner in the bedroom with some romance and stuff I wouldn't be obsessing over my betas.

Would I?

I mean, I would have taken my hpt, seen it was positive, and been elated with this knowledge. I would be content monitoring my early pregnancy symptoms and be looking for a doctor, and waiting for 12 weeks to roll around so that I can get to see my baby for the first time.

Isn't that how it's supposed to go?

If I was normal I wouldn't ever have heard the word beta, I would have no clue what the doubling time should be, or that the mass of cells developing in my uterus should even have a doubling time.

Oh how I wish I could be normal.

***

Went for a 3rd beta this morning, and will have results around 3pm. The nurse told me that if the number don't double then they want me to have an u/s next week to look for the sac. Will keep you posted, of course.

THANKS, BUT...

Had another beta today.

It's 4 days later, so we were looking at a number 4x 195. That would be at least 780.

My beta came back at 735.

My reaction to the nurse was "oh, that's not good." And well, it didn't quadruple.

Of course the nurse said I should not be alarmed yet. And tht if I spoke to the doctor he probably wouldn't make a big thing of it.

But- she did offer me to come back in 2 days for yet another beta. (I did have the option of just waiting til next week for a scan... but if the numbers aren't doing well, I would rather know sooner rather than later not to expect a heartbeat next week.)

So- I appreciate all the good wishes and various forms of "woo hoo". But it appears that I am not out of the woods yet.

Now is the time that I appreal to you, my wonderful internet ladies of support. Who cn regale me with stories featuring similar beta happenings that had a desirable outcome? Please help.

Oh, it would be so nice to be naive at this moment...

YES I WENT BACK IN

And there was a second line. It was as faint as last night's.

But there.

And a line is a line, right?

I'll cut to the chase. I went to the clinic for a beta.

At 15 dpo my beta is 195. Check it. It's pretty much right where I want to be. I'm going back on Monday for a repeat.

Just- WOW. I really can't wrap my head around this. I completely thought it wasn't going to work, and was already counting cycle days for next month. And I'm not just saying that.

So. Cautiously hopeful? I can go with that.

MINDFUCK

I hade a mistake on my previous post. It wasonly 12dpo.

Yesterday was 14 dpo. And there was no sign of my period.

My nanny was coming over to babysit as I had a business dinner, so I asked her to bring over some extra pee dippy-stcks that she had.

I wnet right upstairs, dipped in the cup and waited. And nothing happened. (Turns out i dipped the test too much, so i guess there was too much pee.) I tossed the test.

I showered quickly, but couldn't stop thinking of the test, and fished it out of the garbage. Lo and behold there was a faint second line.

I called my nanny up to have a look (is this the line that I want to see?) (don't laugh, I had only used the other tests before!) and she assured me that, yes, it was.

So now here I am, awake at 4.30 am. And I had to pee. So I decided to do a FMU test (and not screw it up.) The control line came up right away, but the rest was pretty blank. (Of course it was, this was all too much to hope for...) It says to leave it flat on the counter for 5 mins. And now it's been that long. I'm a afraid to walk back into the bathroom to see the results.

Why is this such a mindfuck?