it could take 3 months

WELCOME BABY LUCA

2011-07-07T18:22:00.009-04:00

There isn't much time to write... but I wanted to let you all know of Luca's arrival!

He was born at home on July 3 at 2.32 am after 3 hours of active labour. It was everything I could have hoped for and more.

And now we are a family of 4. It's impossibly hard to believe.

Thank you all for your support. I could never have made it through this journey without you.

And now, feast your eyes:

37 WEEKS

2011-06-07T19:03:00.002-04:00

I'm now 39 weeks and one day. I just realized that I never posted this... Everything is still relevant, so I'll just post this as is, and see if I will update again before posting anything about the birth.

I'm not really sure how it's all happened so fast.

Just wow. I could have a baby anytime from now to 5 weeks from now. I'm fine with that... mostly. I'm not one that is good with change. And this time around I have a better idea of what I'm "headed for".

Or not. I don't know. And I won't til this baby actually comes.

Today my nanny dragged me into the storage room and said: "Ok, we have to deal with this. Which bins have the baby stuff?"

Seriously.

We spent the next two and a half hours going through everything. Clothes for the first 6 months (though the seasons are switched this time round), toys, bottles, blankets, sheets, towels, toys, cloth diapers. Everything.

It was so surreal. I'm actually going to use this baby stuff again.

So. Things are getting washed, and through out the week I will work on really cleaning the baby room (it's SO dusty since it hasn't been used since Sacha moved to his big boy room in February), and making a list of what I still need to get.

Other things that are going on...

*Apparently I am in total nesting mode because I have been cooking and freezing like a mad woman. My goal is to have 4 servings of 6 or so different meals prepared so that I don't have to worry about dinner for at least a month after the baby arrives.

*More nesting: I feel the need to clean and organize everything in the house. Today it was all the filing cabinets in my office. Still to do: Hall closet, freezer, garage (which I am putting on my husband's list to do...). I would love to get to our clothes closets in the bedroom, but I have a feeling that ain't goonna happen.

*Thinking about birth. My perspective is so different this time. We are planning a homebirth with a midwife, and I am so excited. From about 12 hours after my birth with Sacha I have been dreaming about birthing at home. I really hope we can make it happen (ie: start labour naturally, and not have to go in for induction at 42 weeks).

*As excited as I am about the homebirth, my family is completely unsupportive. Wait. Usupportive would be putting it mildly. Nasty, rude and spewing uninformed false information at me is more like it. I don't intend for my blog to turn into a place to debate the merits of birthing at home/in hospital/at a birthing centre. Maybe later though- like after the baby's born. I certainly don't need any more negative energy surrounding my choice than I've already got!

*Changes, changes, changes. In February we moved Sacha to his bigger and better big boy room, with a big boy bed. Then we hired a new nanny (our "old" nanny is pregnant too). And the new nanny encouranged us to start toilet training. And then we figured it was time to tell Sacha that he was going to be a big brother. So- many changes on that front. We did have a number of weeks of upheaval, and I spent many hour crying and worried that we had changed too much at once for my sweet child. But... true to his nature he bounced back, and seems happier than ever. He really is a big boy ready to be a big brother.

That about sums it up. Now... just waiting on the baby. Will keep you posted!

AND BACK AGAIN

2010-12-29T17:30:00.002-05:00

A quickie.

Where did we leave off. Ya.

At our 7wk ultrasound we saw an awesome heartbeat.

Then I got sick. Like horrible cough, I am going to die, I can't even believe that I haven't coughed up my lung yet, sick.

And guess what?

I'm still sick. 2 rounds of antibiotics (which have freaked me the fuck out because I don't even take medication when I'm not carrying a baby on board) later.

Still coughing. Still blowing. Functioning at about 80%. Which is not terrible considering I felt 20% at some times over the past 7 weeks.

So. Pregnancy has not really been on my mind. The only "symptom" I have is sick.

But. BUT. We went for our NT scan last week, and the little guy looks wonderful. All is well.

Really, thank God.

Happy holidays to all. I'm thinking about you always.

SIX WEEKS

2010-11-03T18:52:00.003-04:00

And all is well, apparently.

We had an u/s today and got to see the fetus- all 1.3mm of it! But measuring right on target. With what seemed to be a teeny tiney flicker of a heartbeat.

Of course we are going back next week to fully enjoy seeing the beating heart.

It still feels so surreal.

On the one hand I don't want to hope too much and get too excited yet. Things can still happen.

I certainly am calmer, less worried and more positive than I was last time. (Wow, I went back and read my posts from the beginning of my pregnancy with Sacha, and lordy, I was a mess!)

On the other hand I know I can carry a pregnancy to term and give birth to a healthy baby.

But then I keep reminding myself that nothing is for sure.

Back and forth and back and forth with the emotions. But I'm hanging in there.

I will update for sure with next week's u/s (good) news.

And then I will have to face the decision of deciding about my prenatal care. (A post of its own for another time!)

BREATHE OUT... FOR NOW

2010-10-27T21:11:00.002-04:00

So- the nuber came back at 1663.

That's a doubling time of 46 hrs from the last beta, and 44 hrs from the first beta. (Or vise vera, I can't remember- I'm tired.)

So- in the clear. For the time being. Because although I don't want to be, I am feeling totally neurotic.

Next Wednesday is the viability scan. I will be 6w, and the nurse said they should see a heartbeat. I thought that would be closer to 7w- can someone help me out with that?

Will try not to obsess too much between now and then.

Thank you all for your kind words and support this week. Wow. You are all so awesome.

WAITING

2010-10-27T10:32:00.003-04:00

If I was a normal 5w pregnant lady who did it with her partner in the bedroom with some romance and stuff I wouldn't be obsessing over my betas.

Would I?

I mean, I would have taken my hpt, seen it was positive, and been elated with this knowledge. I would be content monitoring my early pregnancy symptoms and be looking for a doctor, and waiting for 12 weeks to roll around so that I can get to see my baby for the first time.

Isn't that how it's supposed to go?

If I was normal I wouldn't ever have heard the word beta, I would have no clue what the doubling time should be, or that the mass of cells developing in my uterus should even have a doubling time.

Oh how I wish I could be normal.

***

Went for a 3rd beta this morning, and will have results around 3pm. The nurse told me that if the number don't double then they want me to have an u/s next week to look for the sac. Will keep you posted, of course.

THANKS, BUT...

2010-10-25T18:56:00.003-04:00

Had another beta today.

It's 4 days later, so we were looking at a number 4x 195. That would be at least 780.

My beta came back at 735.

My reaction to the nurse was "oh, that's not good." And well, it didn't quadruple.

Of course the nurse said I should not be alarmed yet. And tht if I spoke to the doctor he probably wouldn't make a big thing of it.

But- she did offer me to come back in 2 days for yet another beta. (I did have the option of just waiting til next week for a scan... but if the numbers aren't doing well, I would rather know sooner rather than later not to expect a heartbeat next week.)

So- I appreciate all the good wishes and various forms of "woo hoo". But it appears that I am not out of the woods yet.

Now is the time that I appreal to you, my wonderful internet ladies of support. Who cn regale me with stories featuring similar beta happenings that had a desirable outcome? Please help.

Oh, it would be so nice to be naive at this moment...

YES I WENT BACK IN

2010-10-21T16:38:00.002-04:00

And there was a second line. It was as faint as last night's.

But there.

And a line is a line, right?

I'll cut to the chase. I went to the clinic for a beta.

At 15 dpo my beta is 195. Check it. It's pretty much right where I want to be. I'm going back on Monday for a repeat.

Just- WOW. I really can't wrap my head around this. I completely thought it wasn't going to work, and was already counting cycle days for next month. And I'm not just saying that.

So. Cautiously hopeful? I can go with that.

MINDFUCK

2010-10-21T04:38:00.002-04:00

I hade a mistake on my previous post. It wasonly 12dpo.

Yesterday was 14 dpo. And there was no sign of my period.

My nanny was coming over to babysit as I had a business dinner, so I asked her to bring over some extra pee dippy-stcks that she had.

I wnet right upstairs, dipped in the cup and waited. And nothing happened. (Turns out i dipped the test too much, so i guess there was too much pee.) I tossed the test.

I showered quickly, but couldn't stop thinking of the test, and fished it out of the garbage. Lo and behold there was a faint second line.

I called my nanny up to have a look (is this the line that I want to see?) (don't laugh, I had only used the other tests before!) and she assured me that, yes, it was.

So now here I am, awake at 4.30 am. And I had to pee. So I decided to do a FMU test (and not screw it up.) The control line came up right away, but the rest was pretty blank. (Of course it was, this was all too much to hope for...) It says to leave it flat on the counter for 5 mins. And now it's been that long. I'm a afraid to walk back into the bathroom to see the results.

Why is this such a mindfuck?

13dpo

2010-10-18T19:23:00.002-04:00

And... nothing either way.

The last cycle we did I started spotting on day 12. But this time I've been taking progesterone, so I expect that my period won't arrive until 14dpo, at least.

But the hope is gone. I didn't even buy a HPT. Why waste the money?

I think it's easier this cycle to let go of the hope.

The first cycle i was waaay too freaking hopeful. I mean the previous cycle (although it was 3 years before) resulted in a real live baby. So I knew I could do it. And expected that I would.

This time. Well- that hope is gone. I am reaquainted with the feeling of things not working out.

The reality is that I know what it feels like to be pregnant. I've been there. But I certainly don't feel like I'm there right now.

I am feeling a little like woe is me. But I know that we will jump right back in and cylce immediately (barring any unforseen circumstances).

But- it still hurts. A friend had a baby yesterday. And another told me of her pregnacy (4wks) last week.

On the other hand- life goes on.

ON THE EVE OF IUI 2 (FOR #2)

2010-10-05T19:55:00.002-04:00

This cycle has been surreal.

Scratch that. Life has been surreal since we returned from vacation at the end of August.

I feel that I have been running at top speed, unable to catch my breath, for the last 5 weeks. There have been so many changes: Sacha going to preschool 3 days a week, deciding to take on the task of working in my family business, trying to decide what to do with my own business, and more.

I thought I would cycle the moment we landed back in Canada, but while we were away I kept "forgetting" to take my Provera. And the same thing kept happening when we got home. It was (so surprisingly!) the last thing on my mind.

One day I just bit the bullet (and swallowed the pill), and here we are.

Femara- check!
Puregon- check!
Ovidrel- check!
Appointment tomorrow at 7am for sperm donation and IUI- you betcha.

Cycling has been different this time. I just don't have the time and brain power to devote to the worry and the stress. I get enough of that in other walks of life. Also, while secondary IF is painful, I am realizing that having Sacha is cushioning the blow somewhat.

I had the nanny stay late this evening so that The C and I could go for dinner. It seems that we are both pretty excited. I don't know why. I mean I know why, but we have never really sat down before and IUI and had a discussion that included the words hope or excited or what colour will we paint the room.

I know that nothing I think or do now (or tomorrow, or any day from now if an embryo decides to implant itself in my uterus) can change what happens.

Living in the moment, I am.

(For I am certain that this mild euphoria will fade swiftly during the 2WW...)

SILLY SILLY GIRL

2010-08-12T05:59:00.002-04:00

I did something just now that I have only done one other time in my entire life. That other time I confirmed that I was pregnant.

This time, not so lucky.

It wasn't like I was cycling. If I was, trust me-you'd be hearing about it.

But.

My boobs were hurting like crazy, and a few days ago I had the teeniest bit of spotting. So I thought: maybe...?

I really should know my body better. After all these years. Seriously.

So. Of course the test was negative. I sat on the toilet feeling a bit foolish. With a smattering of other self deprecating words thrown in for good measure.

It's not a TOTAL waste. I have prescription of Provera to take, which I will start while on vacation (we're off to Portugal for 2 weeks), so that I can cycle when I get home. My doctor highly recommends taking a pee-stick test before starting the pills, so now that's done. Won't have to do it while on vacation and staying at the in-laws. So at least one bird is killed with that plastic stick...

Will be back soon. Hopefully relaxed and ready to go.

ANGRY

2010-07-04T07:54:00.003-04:00

I'm just so... ANGRY. Frustrated. Mad, annoyed, deflated. And I feel stupid.

Like I really, actually, truly thought that it would work the first time. How ridiculous is that?

I want to blame someone. I need to blame someone. My husband, my doctor, myself. Other pregnant women. (How horrible a person does that make me?)

I am in a foul mood. This just isn't fair.

More blood today, and by my calculations we can't cycle again until September. I don't know how I'm going to make it that long. I know i will make it, and then we will have another failed cycle. And another, and... It's just shit not knowing when, and how long I will need to endure, how long I will have to keep up this brave face and act like "nothing" is going on.

Treatments are such a mindfuck. I can't take it. But I can't not take it.

THE END?

2010-07-03T06:08:00.002-04:00

It's 11dpo, and this morning when I went to the bathroom there was a slight orange-y tinge when I wiped.

Too late for implantation, too early for my period.

At least I'll save money on an hpt- that's an upside, isn't it.

Just... ugh. I really thought this had worked. I'm so naive.

Sadly, I liked this bit of naivete (why don't my accents work??). I just fear becoming that jaded, cynical, angry infertile again. Which I never stopped being, per se, but I do realize that the degree is starting to meter is starting to measure higher again.

A mom friend (a woman I really am only friends with because our kids play together), who swore up and down to me that she was done with her one and only because her husband is such an ass, told me she bought a "baby making monitor" (ovulation monitor) and some lingerie. I'm bitter about this for so many reasons. So many. Just thinking about it now is making my blood boil.

I really don't want to be this way. It's not nice to begrudge people their babies.

8dpo

2010-06-30T09:52:00.002-04:00

Or maybe it's 9. I can't be sure.

I'm obsessing and somewhat too busy to think about it all at the same time. The wait has been a strange one this go-around.

All I keep thinking about is how much my boobs were freaking killing me during the 2ww with my pregnancy. It was most painful to even put on my bra. I don't remember what day it was the the hurt started. Certainly not this early? Because there is no pain today, let me tell you.

The only difference between the cycle I got pregnant and this one is that I took progesterone last time. The RE didn't offer it this time and when I called the clinic post IUI because I suddenly remembered that I didn't have a prescription, the nurse called me back and said we would do without this time. I don't quite get why- if it was part of the cycle that worked last time- but I can't even go there now. Certainly if this cycle is a bust it will be one of the first things that I bring up for the next one.

And I know that progesterone can mimic early pregnancy signs, so last time I tried really hard to discount them- I didn't want to hope too much.

This time... well I wouldn't say that I feel nothing going on. But I also recognize that it might be all psychosomatic. This is what is going on: I have odd joint pain in my ankles, and increased carpel tunnel tingly-ness in my hand. And sporadic mild cramp-like-something-is-going on-in there feelings. And increased runny nose (which I had last time- my nose ran like a tap the whole first trimester.) And headaches. And I'm tired.

All this can be attributed to other stuff most definitely.

I will probably test on Sunday (which is 12dpo- I think), so that I have the day to lie in bed and mope if need be while my husband is home to support me and take care of Sacha.

I hope. And sit. And wait.

2010-06-23T16:44:00.003-04:00

I have thoughts that I can't put into words. Dealing with IF this time around isn't easier per se. Even saying "this time around" doesn't seem right, because I never stopped "dealing" with it. I always knew that we would have to revisit the clinic when we wanted another baby.

Just because I have my Sacha doesn't make me want another baby any less. And people who say "well you already have one, so if this doesn't work out, at least you have him" are missing the mark.

Most of my life I pictured myself with two children. (Except for the 10 month or so following Sacha's birth- at that time I couldn't, beyond my wildest imagination, understand how people ever were able to care for more than one child!) So my dream is my dream, and I still want it.

I don't think that my feelings are unusual. Sacha is my "proze" for the child that I wanted first. I still long for my other little one.

Yesterday we had our IUI. Unlike last time it didn't hurt at all. Mostly I was distracted because Sacha was with us. And he was babbling on about mommy getting her engine fixed. I'm still not sure how he came up with that idea on his own. But he wasn't too far off the mark. Smart little boy.

So now... the two week wait. The time will pass- it always does. I hope and I want. But try not to hope too much or want too much. Lest I jinx it.

CYCLE LA DE DA

2010-06-20T18:39:00.001-04:00

This cycle has been a whirlwind, and after my great weekend away (yay!), I had a week from hell.

Tuesday's u/s showed a nice thin lining (thank god... it meant all that heavy bleeding was doing something), and a follicle at 11mm. Good news.

Thursday the leading follie was at 15.5, and there were 1 or 2 trailing around 11. The doctor decided that I should keep up with the 60IU of Puregon, and trigger on Sunday with an IUI on Tuesday (cd14). I was surprised that he didn't want to see me (or my ovaries!) again before the trigger, but when I asked him he seemed confident that the follicle would grow well to 19mm or so. I'm not sure if he is "rushing" it because Wednesday is the last day the clinic is open before it closes for a 3 week holiday. I'm trying to put that though out of my head and have confidence in this doctor.

The main reason for my questioning is that we did the IUI when I got pregnant with Sacha on cd17. But bodies can be different, follicles can grow at different rates, etc, etc. It's so hard to not over think this whole thing!

What does seem to be different this time is that I can really feel my ovaries. They seem heavy and full. I don't remember this from 3+years ago, and don't know if this is a good sign or not.

A few other things are different too. Like how I have had to bring Sacha with me to a couple of appointments. It's just been impossible to leave him with someone. The staff at the clinic is great, and they seem to love all the kids that come in, but I can't help but think about the women and the couples who are there who are still trying so hard. I have such a mixture of thankfulness (is that a word?!) and guilt. I want to let everyone know that this doctor helped us get our precious little boy.

Also, the focus that I find that I have put on this cycle seems different. This time I have Sacha who takes up so much of my time and energy. Most of what I do during the days is focused on him- food, naps, playing... I find I don't have the same brain power to devote to thinking about what's going on and what can be. (Except when I do have time to sit and think: then I over analyse and over think.)

All this is not to say that I want a baby any less now than I did the first time around. But just like I couldn't imagine what life dealing with IF was like before we started TTC, there is no way that I could have anticipated what secondary IF would be like. Of course, this is what I am feeling on the eve where I am triggering for my first cycle. If I have to do more- who knows what I will be feeling then...

On a separate note, we have had a great day spending father's day as a family of 3. My husband I have been remarking to each other all day that it's all thanks to our little guy that we are so lucky to be able to celebrate this day. This day, and every day. Really- thank god. And our doctor.

WEEKEND AWAY

2010-06-12T08:39:00.002-04:00

I'm still bleeding like crazy. And it hurts! Ohhh the craaaamps. But, I'll try not to complain because....

I'm off today for the weekend with my girlfriend!

"Weekend" may be taking it a bit far, but we are leaving in an hour and won't be back until Sunday night. So it's one night, but pretty much 2 full days. We are going to have fun!

(If I can stop moaning about my period!)

This is the second time since Sacha came into our lives that I am having complete time off. I can't wait. We are going to drive a couple of hours away and stay up north for the night. We both get to sleep in a bed alone and we won't have babies waking us up at 6 am.

Pure bliss. Yay!

Gotta go pack...

YUCKIES

2010-06-10T21:28:00.002-04:00

Today is cycle day three.

Yup- my period came, maybe just in time, maybe a day late. We never know with my ovaries.

The cycle I conceived I had my IUI on cd16. The first day that my clinic is closed for vacation is my cd16. Let's hope we can see some nice stimming to make it a cd15 insemination. Cuz otherwise we will be doing it the old fashioned way. Which didn't work the 2 times we tried it. Oh, and we will likely be out of town staying at a friend's house on cd 16.

I'm trying not to count my chickens before they hatch. But I can't help it.

In totally disgusting news, though I have had bleeding on and off every couple of months since I stopped breastfeeding, I'm pretty certain it never was a "period" per se. Let me tell you- I am bleeding like a mofo. No freaking joke. I am going throough tampons like... well I don't know what. But I'm using a lot of them. And pads. And ugh- just gross.

Given all that, the wanding this morning was pretty grossitating. I will spare you the details (frankly, it's not something that I need to write more about for posterity either). My heavy bleeding corrolates with a thick lining. The Dr would like to have seen thinner, but he's ok with starting the cycle. Given that I am bleeding so heavily he is confident the lining will thin out. Yuck.

So... our protocol is the same as where we left off: 5mg Femara days 3-7; and 60IU Puregon starting cd 6.

I hope, but I'm trying not to invest too much.

In other news my husband and I had a big fight at the end of dinner. Wow, I am so realizing that he learned nothing from last time we did treatments. Add stress of treatments to the stress of running a family with a toddler, and we have explosive situations happening 'round here. I'm not even sure what to do about it all. With out getting into more detail I am just left with a complete feeling of "he sucks" tonight. Not great considering we are embarking on something "together".

Given all this, I am less excited that I should be. Which is just another "ugh" to add to doday's list of yuckies.

ANNOYANCE

2010-06-03T07:02:00.003-04:00

Ya... that's what I thought about the Provera- it would take about a week after my last pill for CD1.

I'm annoyed... withthe RE and with myself.

See, the clinic is closing on the 24th of this month for 3 weeks. But when we met with the RE last week he prescribed the Provera telling me there was "plenty of time" to complete the cycle before then.

Umm.. ok... not so much.

Today is Provera day 7, which means CD1 will likely be nex Thursday or Friday. In the past I have had my IUI on CD 16, which would bring us to... June 26.

And so I'm annoyed with myself for a number of reasons. Firstly for not thinking about the lag time between the last pill and CD1. Second for blindly following the RE's instructions. And third because I was hoping and thinking and what-if-ing.

So now I will get my period for nothing. Really. I induced a period for no reason.

And we can't cycle again until September.

Stupid me.

(Ok, maybe-maybe-my period will come on, say, Tuesday. But I'm already kicking myself that I am allowing myself to think that.)

PROVERA

2010-06-02T08:01:00.003-04:00

The RE prescribed 7 days of P.rovera. I have take 5 pills.

But I seem to have forgotten- how many days after I finish the pills should my period come? I would google it, but I'm worried I'll get a whole whack of info that I don't want and don't need.

So... your knowledge is my power today.

Please weigh in! (Thanks!)

DEJA VU ALL OVER AGAIN

2010-05-28T14:46:00.003-04:00

Walking back into the clinic was so surreal. And exciting. And nauseating. And scary.

It's been two days since our appointment with Dr. Who Got Us Pregnant Last Time*. The appointment was fine. Actually it was quick. And pleasant. We decided we would just start with the same protocol that got us pregnant with Sacha. And that we can start any time. We walked out with our blood test requirements, and a prescription for P.rovera.

My husband had his blood drawn right away, and I went back in the morning because I had to have fasting glucose levels taken.

While I am excited that we could start right away, for some reason I didn't expect that it would be so fast. Hence the excited and scary feelings.

The nauseating feeling: well that I got for having to shell out $1200.00 for the labs. Not that I forgot how much this whole process costs... I just put it in a rarely-used corner of my brain for the last 3 years.

Of course the surreal-ness comes from the fact that this rarely-used corner of my brain became active so very instantly. It was like: HELLOINFERTILITYANDYOUR TREATMENTSANDALLTHESTRESSANDUNCERTAINTYTHATYOUBRING.

Look. I never forgot what it felt like last time. But now I truly have to admit how much the feelings faded once I held Sacha in my arms.

And now, only 2 days later I am faced with all the emotions flooding back in full force.

Here's a sample of whats going on inside my head:

Issue 1: Should we jump right into a cycle? Or should we wait? If we don't cycle immediately then we won't have the chance again until September. The clinic is closing for 3 weeks from the end of Jun until mid July, and we can squeeze a cycle in right under the wire. We would have to wait until September otherwise because of vacation plans, and because the due dates of July or August-conceived babies would be undesirable due to my husband's work schedule. Which leads directly to issues 2 and 3...

Issue 2: Already the planning of vacations around treatment and looking at EDD is driving me batty. I mean, people! We haven't even started! And I have spent too much time looking at the pregnancy calculator. I need to be banned from those websites. And also! The fact that I thought: well... if we don't go to Europe (to visit my husband's parents) in August it would be a great time to cycle.

Issue 3: The gall I have to think that I can actually "plan" this pregnancy. I mean, who do I think I am?! A fertile chick? I should be shot for thinking this way. It's only going to lead to more stress and heartbreak, I'm sure.

Issue 4: My period. Since I stopped breastfeeding last August, my period has been wonky at best. I guess the fact that I have even had something that I could call a period is remarkable, but their frequency and length have been crazy. To sum up, I have had my period about 3 or 4 times since last summer, but all of them have lasted about 2 weeks and are on and off. Not a major problem, But... this is kind of what is going on with me right now. Problem: I have to start my P.rovera tonight (if I want to get this cycle in before the clinic closes for the holiday). However: I may actually be starting a period (after days of on and off spotting), which means I don't need to take the P.rovera. The catch: if I wait to see if I am starting my period, I will miss the window to take the P.rovera.

Oy. OY.

It's all this thinking and planning and thinking... It takes so much energy. And it's so circular in nature.

I feel like I'm already up to my eyeballs in this necessary evil.

*Dr. Who Got Us Pregnant Last Time took over our clinic right before we did our cycle where we conceived Sacha. We didn't work with him much, so I never named him (I think). I'm sure a name will come to the fore quickly once we have a couple of appointments.

If you want to know why my clinic brought on a new medical director, you can read about it here.
If you are joining me as a new reader, or want a refresher, you can read about my PCOS here and here.

MY 2 YEAR OLD

2010-05-04T16:50:00.007-04:00

While I came back to write about the baby that may be, I thought I would just re-introduce Sacha.

I'm hoping the gods of fertility treatment will also look down and remember what delicious children my husband and I create, and grant us the chance to have another.

So... here is Sacha a 2 years (and a month-ish).

I can't say enough how lucky I am to be a mommy to this little boy. Believe me it's not without it's difficulties, but having this chance to parent is the most amazing thing ever.

ORGANIZING

2010-04-30T16:08:00.002-04:00

I have been lurking around and reading all this time. There really is no excuse to not commenting, though. And I feel bad!

Yes, I'm busy, and stressed, and tired, and I have an active toddler to care for day in and day out. Other people seem to have no problem writing and commenting and staying current.

But from now on I'm going to post. I'm going to write and comment and be active.

I'm back because I feel the need to be here, to have a space to share what I am about to embark on in the quest for another baby.

And I miss you guys.

Which brings me to my point (I know... so long in getting there!): My blogroll is woefully out of date! If I don't have you there, or I have an old link for you, please let me know how to find you.

Thanks, friends.

MAKING THE CALL

2010-04-29T15:16:00.002-04:00

This morning I looked up the website for the clinic. And I left my browser open with the contact info page up.

Then I took Sacha to preschool, brought him home, fed him lunch and put him down for his nap.

Then I picked up the phone and dialed the number. And made an appointment to see the RE.

Our appointment is set for May 26. Which is three years less 2 weeks from the date we started our cycle that became Sacha.

I am scared and nervous. But also so excited.

I have hope because it has already happened once for us. But I also have so much knowledge and have read about so many peoples' experiences. I so not naive. But in a way I wish I was...

So many what-ifs. It's deja vu.

ADMINISTRATIVE NOTES

2009-10-29T07:01:00.004-04:00

My friend Shlomit asked me to post the following:

"Somehow, who he F*** knows how, my entire blog is GONE!!!! GONE!!!!
I finally posted yesterday after two months and as of this afternoon it is gone. Grrrr.
Anyway, would you mind posting on your blog that I haven't fallen off the face of the earth; I'm still here. If I can get up the energy I will start a new blog at http://www.facebook.com/1/ab0da;www.yourestillyoung.blogspot.com "
*the link doesn't seem to work, but that's what she gave me.

That's right from the woman's mouth herself. (You know it has to be, I would never swear with asteriks! ;) )

Around here life has sort of gotten in the way of blogging. Which, post IF, I guess is a good thing. We are doing great, and Sacha is the most delightful little 19 month old. Somehow it doesn't feel right to go on and on here.

But... I also don't feel like I want to close up shot around here yet. I figure I may need this space for IF related issues to come. Like, say, if we um go for a number 2. The issue of which is off the table until the new year, but it isn't completely off my mind. There are so many factors involved with having another child, not the least of which is having to return to the clinic.

So... you are not rid of me yet. Cue ominous music (it IS Halloween and all!)

Please know that even if I don't comment often I AM still reading and thinking about you all.

2009-07-27T10:05:00.000-04:00

Oh! Thanks for validating me! Really, I'm only coming back to blog because I love the comments.

Ok- kidding.

Sort of.

Anyways, let's move on to the heart of the matter. The post part of the post, if you will.

Can we play catch-up? Let's! Why don't I first tell you about Sacha in all his almost-sixteen-months glory, and then I'll tell you about me.

All about Sacha in 7 points:

Sleeping: At 11 months or so we did some massive sleep training, which was not for the faint of heart. It has 6 days of hell, but pretty much since then Sacha has slept through the night. Though the guy likes to wake up early- 5 or 5:30 on a regular basis, and 4:30 if he wants us to have a specially good day. He still naps two times a day on good days. Morning naps are an hour and a half to two hours. Afternoon naps range from 20 minutes to an hour and a half (or... not at all). On the days when he doesn't fall asleep in the afternoon I contemplate cutting out the morning nap and re-adjusting his schedule. Maybe soon.

Eating: While Sacha used to eat everything under the sun, it seems that each day there is a food that he decides that he will no longer eat. The foods that he will eat are becoming more limited, and I am having to be more creative in order to get him to eat some veggies. I have made up my mind that once I plan my meal for him, that is what he is getting, and if he doesn't like it, and chooses not to eat most of it, he will just have to wait to until the next meal for food. (Of course i plan meals around what foods are in favour for the time being- I am not that cruel!) I have concluded that he definitely eats when he is hungry, and I am not in danger of having a malnourished or starving child.

Drinking: Can we say hallelujah? Sacha drinks all his milk from a cup, and we have cut out almost all breastfeeding. (There are about 2-3 times a weeks where he just pulls and pulls at my shirt and bra, and I don't have the heart to refuse him. Not that there is much left in the boobs...) The sippy cup was not a hit in our household, and what finally helped make the transition from breast to cup was a specific one with a straw from Playtex (the only one that he will use!) Liquids are still an issue, though, as Sacha drinks very little water, and is not too fond of juice either.

Personality: Sacha is a happy, smiley, giggly guy. Everything makes him laugh. Even when he falls, he laughs. He is easy going and adaptable (traits he certainly did not get from me!), and doesn't complain too much. He plays well on his own, and for extended periods of time, too. And he knows how to make a joke and poke fun- it's hilarious to see him try to communicate this way with us.

Development: Sacha has met his milestones pretty much on a textbook level. He took his first step about 2 weeks after his birthday. But, being the cautious guy that he is he wasn't anywhere near "walking" until 7 or 8 weeks later! While he babbles like a madman and is very expressive, he doesn't use any words yet. I know this is a bit late, but I'm trying not to worry. We speak 2 languages at home, and he is exposed to a third on a regular basis.

Sacha Loves: The park- the slides, swings and sand. Water- both baths and swimming. Giving hugs- to people and to stuffed animals. Riding in his stroller and observing the world. Coming to bed with Mommy and Papa in the morning and sitting on our faces. Unfortunately he also like to bite (but only the people that he loves)- I have tried many things but can't seem to curb the enthusiasm.

Sacha Hates: The grass, getting his hands dirty on the grass, having to walk on the grass. (Funny, he seems to have no problem falling face-first, mouth open into a filthy sandbox!) Umm... he is also not fond of being ignored when he wants to be picked up. (But what kid isn't?!)

Oy- this is longer than I intended! I think that I will post now, and save all the enthralling items about myself for the next post.

I do do do feel bad that my first post back to my IF blog has been all about my baby! It's a hard thing I tell you- I want to tell you all about Sacha, but having been there, in that deep childless despair, I don't feel quite right going on and on about my baby. Over a year later I am still struggling with where this blog would go (and that's pretty much primarily why I didn't post for so long...)

Hence- more about me next time. Promise!

BACK

2009-07-23T11:30:00.003-04:00

Ok- I have to end this hiatus sometime or another.

People, I am back.

There is no "real" reason for why I left you for so long (and truthfully I didn't really leave- I have tried so hard to comment and keep in touch), but I promise to never do so again.

Hey... before I go write a long post about what been going on... is there anyone even reading? Please drop me a comment to let me know you're there. You know, give some incentive to come back again.

Oh, all is well here. We are all fine, and Sacha is just being his super duper toddler self. I'll be back in a jiffy with more tales.

BIRTH STORY

2009-04-06T07:17:00.007-04:00

I wrote these notes a day or so after we got home from the hospital as a family of 3. I have added to it over the past few days. It was been unbelievable to recall all the details of the day Sacha was born. As I kept writing I remembered more and more. So this is a little long. But I'm glad I finally have it up here.

The tale of labour is long (both in story terms and in terms of time), but I feel that I have to get some details down whole they are still fresh in my mind...

- On Friday I went for my NST and fluid check as planned. Everything was the same as on Tuesday, but my doctor still thought it would be best to deliver sooner rather than later.

- My doctor was in the hospital on Friday and after meeting with her (unscheduled, and right away), she took us by the hand to the birthing centre. We were standing at the nurses’ station in L&D. My doctor told me the following story: A woman at my stage of pregnancy was in the very same situation the previous Friday afternoon. She decided not to be induced that day, but to wait for another NST on Sunday in order to make her decision. When the woman came in on Sunday (and I quote) “her baby was dead”. This was obviously very upsetting to me, and it did the trick. To this day I feel like I was emotionally blackmailed into being induced on the hospital’s schedule.

-We decided to start the induction process with a catheter. It was inserted, and we were sent home until it fell out.

- At home I rested (and did some work), and 3.5 hours later it fell out (meaning I was at 3cm dilation). I called the hospital and was told to return. We got there at 6pm. I called my doula (Rivka) and she told me she would arrive at 11pm, unless she heard otherwise from me (it would be hard to contact her as Shabbat had started and the only means of communication would be me calling and leaving a message that she could hear on her answering machine as I left it.)

- After I was checked (and confirmed at 3cm), I realized I was having fairly regular, but mild contractions on my own. I asked the resident if perhaps I could just see what happens, and she agreed. A whole kerfuffle erupted because I was booked for an induction. One of the nurses (I'm not sure if she was the head nurse or not), came barging in telling me basically that my doctor and I had already put them out because we were requesting an induction heading into the weekend. I will, at some point, write an entire post about this, but this morning I just don't have it in me. (Obviously I didn’t ever write an entire post about this!) I was told I would have to sign all types of forms and legal crap if I now chose not to do as I has discussed with my physician. Needless to say, I chose to start the Pitocin. Man, that was horrible. Again, not another highlight in the story of the birth of my wonderful baby! I shudder at it now… the nurses yelling, be crying, my husband trying to calm me down. The confusion, the emotion, the fear: my baby might die if I don’t do as they say! Oy vey.

- The Pitocin was administered, and elevated appropriately, and my contractions were getting stronger, but bearable. I didn't want to lay down as I knew that perhaps I would be on my back for a long period of time later on. I was happy when my doula and her student arrived at 11, the entire experience changed. I recounted what happened earlier, and she helped me set my mind to continue most positively from here on in.

- Sometime around midnight another check revealed that I was at 4.5cm. A little progress, but not much...

- Encouraged, I laboured on (while The C caught some z's). My doula provided all the support I possibly could have dreamed of and more. There are not enough amazing words for me to say about her and her practices. She helped me through 14 hours of Pitocin-induced, pain-med-free overnight labour before I started crying about the pain.

- I now know that I was experiencing some very severe back labour. My back was raw from all the rubbing. I remember labouring mostly on the birthing ball, which was amazing. I was able to squat and ride out the contractions with my head down, a position that seemed to work for me. My labour through the night was very quiet and calm. The lights were low, there were few interruptions from medical staff, and my music choices were playing in the background keeping my mind busy between contractions. This is still surprising to me today as I am definitely the calm, quiet type. I always pictured my labour to be loud with lots of swearing.

- At 8am, when I was still 5cm dilated I made the choice to call for an epidural. I didn't freak out about this choice. With the help of my doula and The C I felt I was making the best choice for me, the baby and a safe, vaginal delivery.

- At 9am the anaesthetist showed up.
(Up until here is all I ever jotted down about my birth story. The rest of it has been in my head for an entire year. I will attempt to get it out.)

- The anaesthetist was a card. It turns out that we grew up a few streets from each other and were both surprised that we had never met before. He was truly amazing. He kept me occupied talking about my tattoo and the various tattoos that he sees while doing his job. I was scared as shit to be getting the epidural, but I have to give this guy kudos for making it as enjoyable as possible.

- The epidural took well, thank goodness. The best part of this was that I got pain relief but I never entirely lost all feeling in my legs. (Though I certainly couldn’t have gotten up for a walk.) Two things surprised me: how uncomfortable the catheter was and how disgusting it felt when they broke my water. Ew is all I can think of now… sitting in the warm puddle of fluid.

- My doula thought it best that I take this time to rest. She too went home for some sleep, but told me shoe would be back the second I needed her (she lives about a 5 minute walk from the hospital.) Finally I at around 11 I was able to drift off to sleep. Though my sleep was fitful at best, at 2:30pm or so I woke up feeling seriously refreshed. (I laugh now: little did I know that this would be my last good chunk of sleep for weeks and months to come!)

- I don’t remember much about the what happened for the next 2 hours. I know the resident (who I did NOT take a liking too, he was very rough) came to check me and I wasn’t dilated much more… maybe 6cm. It was almost 24 hours and it seemed like nothing was happening.

- The dreaded words went through my head: 'c-section'. When I asked the nurse, she conceded that given what was going one this was a possibility at this point. Not only was nothing happening, it certainly wasn’t going the way that I had hoped. I had wanted a medication-free, monitor-free, tube-free birth. I pretty much knew I could kiss that goodbye when I chose the induction (er, was scared into the induction), but now I was becoming a classic induction case that was going to end in the operating room.

- Still, though, with each contraction I continued my visualization of my cervix opening.

- At around 4pm my doula returned. Have I mentioned that I love her? Have I? We caught up on what was going on, and she assured me that we weren’t at the point of a c-section yet. She would continue to labour with me as long as I needed, and not allow any crazy hospital timing get in my way of a vaginal birth.

- About a half an hour later I started to feel something different. All of a sudden it seemed like something was happening. When I described it to my doula she told me that it seemed like I was getting ready to push. I don’t remember if the doctor came in or if we called her, but I was checked and it was confirmed that in this short time I had dilated completely.

- At the time, I honestly thought it was a miracle. I remember Rivka turning to me and saying 'Well you are going to have tour Shabbat baby after all.'

- The next two hours happened very fast and in slow motion at the same time. There was another woman pushing at this time, and every time she pushed she made these horrible loud moans and screams that echoed terribly down the hallway. It was most awful to listen to knowing that I was going to be pushing in just a few minutes. Also, it seemed to me that she was pushing forever. We found out that this woman was delivering a breech baby vaginally. (Oy vey!) This worked in my favour as it meant that all the nurses, the doctor and the residents were in her room to help or to witness this once in their lifetime opportunity.

- My room was quiet and peaceful, and I was ready to push my baby into the world.

- Again, I surprised myself. I thought I would be a loud, screaming, swearing pusher. Not to sound all froo froo on you, but it was like an aura of serenity passed over me. Each time it came to push I just did what I had to do. Granted there was plenty of grunting going on, but it was calm grunting!

- After the first few pushes (lasting about half an hour), I realized this was going to take a while. My labour was took it’s sweet time, and so it seemed it was going to be with the pushing. I really felt like I needed to know how long the pushing was going to take. Of course no one could tell me! But my husband was on one side and my doula on the other, and I felt like I had all the support in the world. One push at a time, Rivka told me.

- Between each contraction I tried to recoup my energy. I was hot and itchy beyond belief. I can still picture myself lying on the bed sweaty and naked and scratching, scratching, scratching at my chest. About an hour into pushing we heard the breech baby in the other room being born. (If there was one thing that I would recommend to the hospital- aside from better bedside manner from the nurse who I had to deal with when I came in- it would be thicker, more sound-proof walls. There is nothing as unnerving as hearing another woman labouring knowing that that will be you in the next hour or so!)

- At last, after an hour and a bit of pushing, the baby’s head was starting to crown. I swear I have never seen my husband so excited. He kept going down to the foot of the bed to have a look! There were mirrors on the ceiling in my room so that I could see what was going on, but I was too scared to look. There are times that I wish that I had, but I know that I could have, I would have at the time. If there is another baby, I certainly will think about looking at this miraculous moment!

- And so, at an hour and a half of pushing, my baby was ready to be born. As everyone and his uncle was still attending to the breech baby, there had been no one in my room for over an hour, and no one there to catch the baby! (A doula isn’t legally allowed to catch a baby.) Don’t get me wrong, I was thrilled to be able to have my calm surroundings without doctors and nurses rushing in and out and shoving their hands hither and nither. But, it was time for a doctor now…

- Rivka instructed my husband to press the button to call the nurse. (Quite calmly, I recall, though now I know that she was literally getting into position to catch this baby. He took his time in coming, but was ready in an instant! I do remember her taking out some rubber gloves.) Which button did my husband push? The code blue button. Boy did that get people into our room fast. Of course within a second everyone realized there was no code, but they did realize there was a baby about to be born! There wasn’t even time to get the bed prepped and just a second to put the plastic stuff that they put out.

- Then, in one push, out came my son’s head. And one more push, the rest of his body.

- Exactly as I wanted, my baby was placed immediately on my chest. He was a little bloody, but surprisingly clean. He was crying a little high pitched cry, a little annoyed to be removed from his warm and cozy womb.

- His crying didn’t last long, though. He had better things to attend to. He had people to see, places to look at. He was so alert, lifting his head and peering around at everything with his huge eyes. This guy was certainly ready to meet the world.

- Surprisingly, I didn’t cry. I just kept looking at the baby in my arms and saying “Oh my god, oh my god”. I think I was in disbelief that I had actually gotten pregnant, carried my baby safely to term (and 11 days past!), and made it through labour. And there I was, holding my baby.

- My husband kept kissing me, and stroking the baby. He was in complete awe of the little creature.

- We tried putting the baby to the breast, and we had a little success. He was definitely rooting, looking around for his source of nourishment.

- All the while, I was instructed to push to deliver the placenta, and I was being stitched up in the two places that I tore on my labia (thank goodness there was no episiotomy, I kept thinking). One thing I remember vividly is how much the injection of local aesthetic that they had to use to numb we for the stitches hurt.

- The hour or so after the birth was such a flurry of activity. When the cord stopped pulsing, my husband cut it. The baby was weighed, cleaned up, and checked out. He was pronounced perfect. All the while I was being cleaned and I somehow got into a hospital gown.

- The baby was put back in my arms, and my parents and grandmother came in to see us. I look back at those pictures now I think I look amazingly good for someone who just went through 26 hours of labour.

- A few minutes later I was rolled into the post-partum ward. It was about 9 o’clock at night. If I thought I had had sleepless night before the baby was born…

- The rest, as they say, is history.

ONE YEAR

2009-03-29T18:21:00.006-04:00

Happy birthday my sweet, precious boy. Thank you for gving me the opportunity to be a mommy, to be your mommy. I love you with all my heart.

{Administrative note: you may have noticed that the colurs changed around here. Hope you like it. But, while making the changes it seems that my current blogroll got replaced with an old old version of itself. I am afraid that I won't recapture all your blogs. So... if you are reading and your blog isn't on my list (a list that will be rearranged into categories in the coming days), please, please leave me a comment so that I don't forget to include you! Thanks.}

THIS TIME LAST YEAR

2009-03-28T18:04:00.003-04:00

365 days ago I was in the hospital. I was kind of in labour.

I told the nurse that this baby was going to be born by 11pm, the end of her shift.

HA! I had that much faith in my body.

Sacha was born on this nurse's shift... 24 hours later.

I can hardly believe that tomorrow it will be an entire year since I met my little prince.

Birthday post, pictures, and if you guys are really nice, maybe even the birth story, to come.

Happy 1st, my little pumpkin.

BITCHY POST

2009-03-27T09:48:00.002-04:00

Quick and dirty.

I have an old friend. We don't live in the same city any more, so we aren't as good friends as we used to be. She got married last year a week after Sacha was born, and with him being in the NICU and all, I just did not have the energy to make it.

Who sees where this is going?

Right.

She emailed (in a group email) this morning: she's pregnant.

But wait.

My friend, she has a blog. And so she blogs. About her thoughts and stuff and things. You know, like us. Except not about infertility.

Except ya.

She's been trying for 2 months.

And this month, when she supposedly got her period (but her temp remained high) she went on and on and on and on about how she's infertile. I mean, she has to be. She didn't get pregnant on her second month of trying, right?

Ugh.

I hate this about myself that I feel this way. There is not even one shred of me that is happy for her. It's all annoyance. And so: I'm a bitch. No?

It also marks my 6th friend who will have a baby in the 2nd half of this year. I was holding it together pretty well until now. This seems to be the last straw.

2009-03-10T18:16:00.002-04:00

You know. As usual, it's been too long.

I must thank thank thank you guys for your support on the previous post. Wow. Unfortunate as it is that we met because of the common bond of infertility, I feel so lucky to have you all in my life.

I would like to do something special to show how much I appreciate your friendship. I'm working on an idea.

The update on the sleep sitch is thus: still bad. But somedays if I complain about it, it just feels worse. So, you are forewarned taht I will probably blog about it again in the future. But really, enough for now.

So. Next topic.

I am interested in what you guys are feeding your ones these days.

Sacha is into the finger foods, and he loves spearing food with a fork and getting into his mouth. (I know! The kid has talent!) But he still likes his purees. I try out new foods all the time, and he always wants to try what is on our plates at dinner (or breakfast or lunch if I am eating them with him around.)

I would love to open up a discussion about food here. These are my questions. Let's have some coffee and talk!

Anybody want to share good recipes for some older baby foods that they have had sucess with?
What about spices?
What are your menus like? What do you typically serve for breakfast/lunch/dinner?
What is a typical schedule in terms of eating and drinking in a day?
What about breastfeeding? How many times a day do you BF if you still are? And have you thought about weaning?
What about formula/bottlefeeding?
And cup usage?

Alright. The floor belongs to you. Anybody have food questions that you want to ask?

AGAIN ABOUT THE SLEEP

2009-02-18T01:21:00.003-05:00

People. It's 1:21 am. I'm not lying about what I am about to write.

I have been up with Sacha for the past 2 hours. The last half hour the both of us have spent crying.

The previous hour and a half saw me holding my baby as he slept, and him waking and screaming the moment I put him down. The first holding and sleeping lasted an hour. He was out cold. And then he woke when he hit the mattress. Two more attempts and I lost it.

I sat in the rocking chair holding my baby on the verge of hysterics asking my almost 11 month old why he won't sleep. Of course he can't answer me.

And of course my husband finally got out of bed to help me.

I tried getting into bed, but I just lay there and cried. I couldn't sleep, so I figured I would use my time wisely and bang out something here.

Sacha seems to have stopped crying too. But I can hear my husband walking around with him. Who knows what will happen when he tries to put the baby back in his crib. Who knows. And who knows how many more times we will have to do this tonight.

I know this: Sacha has us wrapped around his finger. And our getting up to him every couple of hours and then subsequently holding him for hours on end is just reinforcing his waking. Compounded by the fact that I am now nursing him so much in middle of the night, I feel that we have embarked upon a never ending cycle.

I am at my wit's end. I am exhausted. I am sad. I dread getting into bed.

Worse yet is that it is wreaking havoc on my relationship with my husband.

You see. He thinks he's more entitled to sleep because he works all day. Just writing that makes me quake in anger. I think there might be steam coming out of my ears.

Just to remind you: for the past 5 years I have run a home-based business. Yes, things are slower now (I can choose how much work I take on; plus the economy is not doing me any favours), but the truth of the matter is that I never stopped working once Sacha was born. Essentially I never had a full maternity leave.

Oh ya. I also have this job called being a mother.

I love my husband dearly. But he just isn't getting it these days. And I don't know how to make him get it. He thinks that I should be able to nap twice a day like Sacha does. I guess he forgets that I need some time to work, clean up the house, prepare dinner, go grocery shopping, etc...

I can't go on like this.

I know something has to be done. About Sacha's sleep and about my relationship.

I don't want to start hating my husband over this. And more scary is that I don't want to start resenting my baby.

I really don't know what to do to break the cycle of crazy sleep that I know we created ourselves. (Well yes. I do know. And I know it will have to involve some level of crying it out. And it pained me to just write that.)

And I don't know what to do to end this competition that my husband and I seem to be having without end. The one where we are at each other about who works more/works harder/sleeps less/etc...

Please help. I thought having my baby would cure my tearful nights.

-------

A few notes:

1- I previously wrote about Sacha's nighttime routine here. It doesn't make sense to write it all out again. It has changed somewhat because the entire situation has escalated.

2-While I know some of you may have this suggestion on the tips of your tongues (you know, the one where I let my husband care for the baby alone for a day or 2), it still is not an option as Sacha is still breastfed, and he refuses to take a cup or a bottle. Indeed another post for another time. Yes, I need more help. But this is more pressing.

3- Ok. I am not that naive to think that having a baby would cure any problems. But sometimes I can't help thinking that yes, while I pretty much have everything that I have ever wanted, I have next to never felt so shitty.

POSTS A-BREWIN'

2009-02-13T13:52:00.002-05:00

I love Shlomit, and I am still so so sad about her loss.
And I miss her terribly as a friend who lives close-by.

But that post sittling at the top of the blog made ever so sad everytime I came here.

I have a gazillion posts brewing, and hopefully I will get one published soon. Working at home and caring for this almost-toddler is really taking a toll on my blogging!

I just wanted to let you know that all is well here in our world. Sacha is wonderful, sweet, active and thriving. And I am still learning as we go.

Details coming soon.

SADNESS

2009-01-06T13:35:00.002-05:00

There are no words. My heart is so heavy, and my eyes hurt from crying.
I just can't even begin to imagine how she feels.

My dear friend Shlomit has lost her baby.

I so wish that this was not happening.

DAY 12418

2008-12-26T06:55:00.002-05:00

Or: The first day of my 35th year.

My answer to the question "What do you want for your birthday this year?" was an easy one.

Nothing.

I have everything I want.*

Sacha has decided on a name for me. It's been coming about for the last 2 weeks or so.

So when ge woke up at 4:45 this morning, and with a little wimper said "Ehhhoooo-mehhh"**, I pretty much felt on top of the world.

----
*I mean, other than a full night's sleep or a day off, but neither of those are a viable option at the moment.
** Say it out loud... it kinda sounds like mommy!

MAY YOUR DAYS BE MERRY AND BRIGHT

2008-12-24T12:02:00.013-05:00

I wish you all the best this holiday season. I am thankful for all that I have, including this wonderful community.

I feel like I am the luckiest woman alive to have The C and my Sacha in my life.

Here we are celebrating Sacha's first Chanukah, The C's 11th and my 33rd.

Lighting the candles

Sacha playing with his present from Mommy and Papa

Sacha enjoying Mommy and Papa's presents

CATCH UP

2008-12-21T15:26:00.002-05:00

Whenever I don't blog for long stretches I find it so hard to click that post button. There is always so much to say, and well, the longer I wait to write... You know how it is.

I am putting a top to it this moment. My husband is home with me, on his first day off in 68 days (working 90 hour weeks), our holiday menu is planned and shopped-for, Sacha is taking his afternoon nap, the snow is falling and the world looks beautiful. And I have a second to write.

All in all everything is spectacularly good. Every day, several times a day, I stop and take a moment to appreciate how blessed I am. Yes, I was so so fortunate to be able to conceive and carry my baby to term and have an uneventful labour. But this child that resulted? He is truly and completely amazing. Just writing that brings tears to my eyes. There really are no words to explain this feeling. My heart overflows when I look at him. I never knew it was possible to love one being so much. I wish there was some way to thank the universe for this opportunity to be with and be a mommy to my Sacha.

Ok, right. That was a little tangent. Not sure where it came from because I actually signed on to write about the one thing that is so not awesome right now. (Nobody's perfect, right?)

So.

Sleep. Or, shall I say, lack there of.

Allow me to take a moment to review. When Sacha was 3 weeks old he went down to sleep at about 9pm, and slept until 6 or 7am with one wake up for a feeding. We counted ourselves supremely lucky for this occurrence. We were even fortunate to have a few sleep-through-the-nights. At 4 months Sacha's napping started to get wonky. It seemed to me that he was up too much during the day, but his nights were still fine. At 5 months we went to Portugal for 2 weeks, so with the 5 hour time change all hell broke loose. Sleep was crazy through 10 days of those 2 weeks until Sacha adjusted, and about the same when we got home. We introduced solids around 6 months and i think this allowed us (finally!) to establish a good eating/nursing/napping routine. Until this time Sacha was going down at 7:30pm, still waking up his once in the night to nurse, and sleeping until at least 6am.

Perhaps it was a few weeks later that the nighttime sleep started to get crazy.

At first Sacha would cry about an hour after he went down. The C would go in a rock him gently and he would be back to sleep within a minute or so. This happened only every few nights so we didn't let it bother us.

Just before Sacha hit 8 months (I remember because the first real bad night was The C's birthday), he started waking up multiple times in the night. Anywhere from his usual once for feeding, plus the once about an hour after we put him down, and add to that maybe 1-2 more occasions. At first it wasn't hard- he settled right away (especially if I gave in a nursed him).

Then about 3 weeks ago things started to escalate. Sacha was sick, and so along with the multiple times in the night, Sacha started waking up for good at 5am. We thought it would all work itself out when he got better (which took about 2 weeks). But he's been well now for about a week, and it's only gotten worse.

And by worse I mean: Baby-waking-up-maybe-five-times-a-night-screaming-like-his-hand-has-been-chopped-off-and-refusing-to-settle-sometimes-even-for-more-than-two-hours-at-a-time.

Now I know. Beggars can't be choosers. Sacha really is most awesome in all other ways. So obviously something has to be an issue. But this?? It's just insane. We are not getting any sleep. And we are beside ourselves about what to do to help our little guy.

So, of course, I'm putting this out there so that you guys can help. Before you start in on the advice (which I want! which I anxiously await!), let me tell you what I have found concerning this sleep issue.

Apparently, according to Moxie, there is such thing as a nine month sleep regression. As we are upon nine months, I think this may be us. This regression is linked to major development that is going on right now, for example: crawling, standing, pulling up, cruising. Yup, that's us, alright. Add to these physical milestones some mental ones (which, by the way, completely blow me away, but i will talk about that when I write a nine month post about Sacha), and I think that we have development-induced sleep hell.

So while, YAY, this is all, supposedly, normal, I am totally feeling like: What the fuck can we do about this? Like what? Because, honestly, I can barely take another night of this. I have been driven to tears myself on several occasions. And also, man, the poor kid who spends hours screaming every night.

Alas, before you go dispensing advice/commiseration/hope, here is our sleeping situation. (You know, before someone writes something like: are you co-sleeping?)

Sacha sleeps in his own room in a crib. It has been so since he was about 4 weeks old. So his sleeping arrangements have not changed
The room is neither too hot nor too cold.
I nurse Sacha to sleep at 7:30, give or take. We have never tried to not do this. I am open to suggestions on how to stop doing this, but I think that now is not going to be the time to implement them!
I swaddle him (mostly to signal sleepy time), though he does take his arms out. It's an added layer of warmth, and he has never seemed to mind it.
When he wakes up he is screaming bloody murder. No amount of patting, back rubbing or shushing will settle him. In fact, it seems like he doesn't seem to realize I've come into the room.
So, we have to pick him up. And that doesn't even seem to settle him. Usually after The C tries unsuccessfully to get him to stop crying for half an hour I swoop in and nurse Sacha. Which does settle him for some time.
Sometimes the nursing puts him to sleep, sometimes not. If so, then I find that I need to hold him for about an half hour more to prevent him from waking when I place him back in the crib. If nursing doesn't put him to sleep, we have reached a new level of hell because the screaming may start all over again.
Yes, he is teething. This is his fourth tooth. I have to tell you that with the previous 3 I didn't even notice they were coming in. Also, it seems like it is taking more than a month for this tooth to come in. I swear I have been saying any day now for that long!
No, it's not his diaper or a tag rubbing him or other such thing... we have looked into that.

Here's the most amazing thing, though: Sacha wakes up happy, cooing, playing and rested. He is most cheerful thought the entire day. Most people comment on how much he smiles and that he never cries. You would never know that this is a child that does not sleep at night. So that's great for him. But for us, I feel like we are fighting a loosing battle.

I just don't know what to do for my little baby. His screams pain me so much, but nothing seems to be wrong or fixable. I am also worried that we are in the process of creating bad, unbreakable habits. Eeeks.

And, finally, because you are always such good helpers, I am wondering a few things (and no! I have not asked enough of you already!):

1- Are we (me, Sacha and The C) alone in this? Are any of you experiencing the same thing?
2- Do you think that other people lie about how much their babies sleep?

I didn't ask for holiday gifts from you, so please consider your replies the biggest present you can give me this year. Many many thanks in advance, blogosphere.

THE LOWDOWN

2008-12-08T06:36:00.002-05:00

1. We were feeling better.

2. And now we're all sick again. Even The C. It's horrible. Obviously not the most horrific thing that can happen to a family. But still.

3. Sacha has had a runny nose and a cough for what will be a week tomorrow. We steam, use saline drops and the dreaded nose bulb. The snot just keeps coming. Sacha has no fever, and is sleeping pretty well (aside from making a habit of getting up at 5am every morning), and is his happy playful self. So, while I am not that worried about him as his behaviours aren't altered, I am concerned that he isn't getting any better. I will call and make doctors' appointments for us both today. (And praise myself all the while for choosing the pediatrician that is in my family doctor's practice.)

4. The little guy turned 8 months. I can't believe how big he is and how much he can do. It is just awesome watching him absorb and learn. This subject, of course, deserves its own post. I hope I will get to it soon. As I type this the pumpkin is playing in my paper recycling bin in my office- his new favorite activity.

5. The nanny is working out wonderfully. It is such a relief. (Though she has been sick too!) I am trying to bring in some work, but with me being sick again it has be a bit hard.

6. I was cleaning up my files on the computer and found my birth story. I wrote it the day after we came home from the hospital, it's in point form, rough around the edges and not complete. Are you guys interested in reading it anyways? Let me know.

7. I am reading your blogs but don't always have the energy to comment. I'm sorry. I am here and support you all, I hope you know that.

HERE COMES TROUBLE!

2008-11-17T10:38:00.004-05:00

Mommy, look how clever I am!

Note to self: Batten down the hatches.
But first: get well and deal with baby's top tooth coming in.

SICK

2008-11-12T15:35:00.002-05:00

I am so sick. It is awful. I feel like I have been run over by a truck.

On the nanny front, she is awesome. I feel like she came into our lives at the exact right second. I don't know what I would do without her. Sacha loves her. She is great with him. It's all so good. I only have her 2 days a week, but I am going to see if she can come a third this week so that I can rest.

Not much else of not around here. Sacha still has his runny nose, but it isn't affecting his personality so I'm not worrying. Though there is no tooth in sight, just swollen gums!

I think I'll go make some tea.

Miserably yours,
Ms. C

YOU'RE HIRED!

2008-11-10T16:19:00.002-05:00

Yes! We hired the nanny! I'm so freaking excited I just can't contain it! Big woot. Like: BIG. I'm so thrilled that she wanted to work with us. I really hope it all works well. She is coming tomorrow so that we can talk about details. Please, any suggestions of what I should show her and make sure of?

In other news, Sacha has a runny nose. He hasn't been sick before, so dealing with this is a new mothering thing for me. I think that it's just because he's teething (his top 2 gums seem very swollen) as he has no other cold symtoms. This morning he blew a snot bubble out of his nose. An amazing feat, I know. I'm going to mark it down in his baby book. Friday night and Saturday night Sacha was up 3-4 times during the night, either because he was in pain for his teeth or he couldn't breathe. Last night he woke up just his usual once. I had given him a homeopathis remedy for teething before he went to sleep so perhaps that is what made the difference. Anyone have suggestions (non medicinal) for dealing with a runny nose?

UNEXPECTED

2008-11-08T17:16:00.002-05:00

So the other day I decided to hop onto craigslist and peruse the nanny listings. I had no idea what I'd find, but I needed to start my search for childcare somewhere.

If it is possible to fall in love with a craigslist posting, I have to say that I did. I emailed the nanny candidate immediately.

My husband and I just finished interviewing her, and I have to say that after spending an hour with her I LOVE her. Maybe even more than my husband. But certainly not Sacha.

I think we covered all the standard interviewing questions. She even met Sacha when he woke up from his nap and he smiled at her instantly. I just got this great feeling from her. She is supposed to email me her references later tonight, and I can't wait to contact them. I want her SO BAD. I totally have a nanny crush on her. My husband and I looked at each other when she left and we like: oh YA!

Here's the thing: how do I really make sure that she is the one? And also how do ensure that she chooses us over the other families that she is going to meet?

And, oh, another awesome thing about her: she's studying to be a doula- with the doula who assisted at our birth. How cool is that?

WORK

2008-11-05T15:26:00.003-05:00

I just started composing a post about how bored I am. But it's whiny and complainy. So I will spare you.

The gist of it was about how I am about to come out of my "slow time" of work. And in order to work I need to find someone to take care of Sacha. The care would only have to be part-time (either half days or 2-3 full days a week), because I can get some work done with Sacha playing beside me on the floor, just not not all of it.

But I have some concerns about this. It's not so much about the person who will take care of him. I work from home, so I will be here most of the time.

It's the hows:

How am I going to find a caregiver? I have no idea how to go about doing this.

How are we going to work out breastfeeding? Sacha doesn't take a bottle, so it's only breast for him.

How is someone else going to put him for a nap? Sadly I still swaddle and rock him to sleep in my arms. No one else seems to be able to get him to sleep for naps. Either they don't swaddle right, don't rock right, don't hold him tight enough, or can't ride out his freak-out crying jag until he lulls himself to sleep. THIS for sure is a subject for another post.

How am I going to be able to concentrate when my sweet little one is giggling in the next room?

There are also some other hows that have to do with business logistics:

How will I be able to meet with clients who can't meet with me during the day? I used to book evening meetings but now I can't do that because 1-I'm too tired in the evening and 2-it coincides with Sacha's bedtime (I nurse him to sleep, see above re: subject for another post.)

How will I be able to set limits about making appointments on the weekends when I want to spend time with my family? (While Sunday would be an ideal time to book appointments because The C is home, it's not ideal because it's the only day off he has all week.)

How will I deal with the work that I will lose as a result of limiting my hours for meeting with clients? Will I even be able to get any business if I insist that clients take only day-time meetings?

So many questions.

It's true, I never really stopped working when Sacha was born. But I see this somewhat as a return to work, as I have been taking it really easy the past few months. If I want to make any money I really have to step up my work.

I keep wondering if it's worth it: to bring someone in to watch Sacha while I work knowing that much of what I make will go to paying this person.

I know the answer is yes. I was never cut out to be a stay at home mom. I am just not the type to be all baby all the time. The past seven months have been so hard on me. I have really felt unproductive and brain-dead. And bored and boring.

I know I want to do more than just mother Sacha. I work with people who are planning special events; most of my clients are brides. My work is my no means life-altering or earth-shattering. I am not in danger of not keeping up with the workforce in the line of work that I do. No one will miss me if I close up shop.

But I actually love (most of the time, I am not a freak here!!) what I do. I feel creative and successful. I like meeting with clients and the satisfaction of making a sale. I enjoy the challenge of running a business and making money.

My work is cyclical- I know it starts to get busier around now (following a trade show that I have this weekend), and really gets going in January. I have avoided thinking about this whole work thing for so many months. I knew this was coming.

When I was pregnant everyone always said to me: "It's going to be so great, you just can plop the baby down next to you and get your work done. You are so lucky to work from home." I was so naive to believe them!

So now I embark on my next phase of life: Working Mother.

POO-DATE

2008-10-28T08:31:00.000-04:00

Not a date with poo. But an update of sorts on the poo-tuation.

Not an hour or so after I posted my previous post Sacha "did his business". Thank goodness. The next day I gave him some prunes to help him along. Again, poop.

But on Friday I was still concerned- he seemed gassy, hadn't pooped again (it was approaching 48 hours), and well, I was being neurotic. The doctor very nicely told me that I had nothing to worry about, Sacha seemed just fine, and even 3 days without a poop is fine. He said I should return to feeding solids to Sacha, that he should be getting 3 meals a day by now. He also told me that I could feed him prunes every day if I felt I needed to, but to back off if things seemed to be resolving.

Phew.

So, I continued the prunes and increased his food intake. And the little pooper pooped again on Sunday and Monday. So far no poop today, but I am trying not to be concerned. I stopped the prunes because they seemed to be making the baby a gassy little fellow.

So now I wait for the poop, and I try not to freak out.

But, seeing as I'm here, let's take a moment to look at solids. I have to tell you: MAN, this kid LOVES to eat! (Though he comes by it honestly, for his mommy and papa love food too.) Sacha basically will eat anything. I have moved away from rice cereal, and now give him barley, which he seems to like more than rice. He loves chicken (I made it myself), and so far he goes crazy for peas. Green beans and carrots are ok too! In fruit we have tried pears and prunes- I'm trying to stay light on the fruit as to not introduce too many sweet flavours before we get through more veggies.

This week I am thinking of introducing more green veggies (maybe avocado or zucchini), and perhaps another meat. I bought a jar of "beef, carrots, potatoes and peas", but it the idea seems a bit eww to me (the jar was only 79 cents, I figured I would go for it seeing as I was in the store...).

Have any of you tried a jarred combo like this? If not, do you puree your own meat? And final question: how much do you feed your baby at each meal, and when do you feed him breastmilk/formula? (If your baby is 7 months, that would be really helpful, or if you remember what you did when your baby was 7 months...)

Thanks a million gals. You are really the finest of the fine.

Just for kicks, here is Sacha enjoying some green beans. A friend of mine told me that babies with food all over them gross her out and she doesn't see why people think it's fun that parents show them to other people. Do you agree or disagree?

THIS MAY BE TOO MUCH INFORMATION, BUT...

2008-10-21T07:02:00.003-04:00

So many times I have composed posts in my head and sadly, none of them have made it into the computer. I feel bad about this. I want to post, I want to chronicle what is going on in my life, and in Sacha's life (which mysteriously are pretty much one and the same these days.) And I wanted to tell you guys about the adventure of travelling with a wee one (that is the subject that "won"), but I never got there.

Time both moves so slowly and so quickly. Sacha will be 7 months old next week. And in 2 weeks I will be exhibiting at a trade show that will essentially launch me head-first back into the market for work full-er time.

But first things first... You know that if I am posting there must be a super-sonic reason, right? Ya, well. We have a problem.

Sacha hasn't pooped in 5 days. I need help.

Can we examine the situation in as brief a manner as possible? As an infant Sacha was a pooping super-star. When he reached a couple of months he was very regular- he pooped once a day and it was always in the morning. Then, almost 2 months ago we went to Portugal. And as soon as we arrived his regularity stopped. He popped maybe every second day, and some day not for 3 days. And the consistency changed. I wasn't that worried, for after all, who doesn't have bowel issues when travelling? I just attributed it to travel. And the fact that he was breastfed, and "they" say that breastfed babies may go up to 10 days without pooping. When we got home, though, this continued, but the ped told me not to be concerned. Also, Sacha didn't seem to struggle and he was still he happy self.

Then we introduced solids. We were ok for a bit (and Sacha loved eating real food, LOVED it!), until I started realizing that his pooping was increasingly infrequent. It became very thick and he seemed to be having some trouble. But he was still pooping every 2 days so I was trying to keep perspective.

A few days ago I was talking to my homeopath about something unrelated and decided just to seek her advice on this poo-tuation. She recommended that I stop all his solids and go back to just breast milk for a few days to reset his system. And then introduce fruits and veggies again, but no cereal. (I had already cut out cereal for 2 days as I was getting concerned). She also said that I should give him some water, but that is pretty much impossible as he doesn't take a bottle and has yet to master a sippy cup.

Yesterday I realized it had been 4 days. I have to honestly say that I have yet to have cause to worry about Sacha's health until now (save his jaundice in the first few days of his life.) I spent yesterday in an obsessive, diaper-checking panic. NO POO. Sacha's behaviour was definitely different. He was clingy and needy, and cried more than usual. And he really seemed to be struggling to push, especially when I was feeding him.

I put in another call to our homeopath. She recommended a remedy, and she also recommended that I stimulate his anus with a thermometer just in case he was a bit tight. (Has anyone heard of this? I hadn't but my good friend said he mom had done that.) I also bought some prunes, but have yet to use them.

Here we are, embarking on day 5 of no poop. Yesterdays' tricks did not work.

So I ask you: please help me.

What would you guys do? Should I feed him the prunes? What about suggestions for giving him water?

I just feel so helpless and lost. Mothering is so hard, I rarely know what to do. But I feel that now my baby really needs me. And I can't seem to help the poor little guy.

CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE

2008-09-19T04:18:00.000-04:00

I chose mine.

It was 15 days in Portugal with my son and my husband. At my in-laws' house. By the beach. Where the weather was near-perfect. And the flights were fine.

So that's why I haven't been around for the past couple of weeks. I did miss you all terribly, please know that!

There is so much I could tell you about, but I thought I would let you choose. Below are a list of titles for posts. You can vote and I will write about the one that wins. How about that?

Here we go:

Dear Mother-in-law: No, the baby isn't cold or hungry, but can I please have him as he has to nap

Traveling fun: crossing 5 time zones with a 5 month old

Yes, I know my baby is fat, and yes, I do only give him breastmilk

Apparently babies' digestive systems go wonky when they travel too!

Sacha! Now with a tooth (this time for real.)

Oh why won't this baby sleep through the night?

Dear everyone in Portugal: please stop clapping and whistling and doing things that you would generally do to a cat or dog in order to get my baby's attention

Four people taking care of the baby sure makes for a relaxing-ish vacation

OMG-90210! (self-holding statement.)

Ok- go to it! And I'll tally the votes. It's good to be back, but it'll take some time to catch up on everyone, so please cut me some slack.

MONTH FIVE

2008-08-29T15:55:00.010-04:00

Honestly, I don't know how we went from here:

To here:

In five months.

Time is unbelievable.

Sacha is just an amazing little being. There is so much for me to be thankful for. Even given all the sleep issues, I think that I am finally starting to get the hang of this parenting thing. Which, of course, means that tomorrow everything is bound to change.

I am trying not to think of that.

Instead, let's look at this month's accomplishments.

Moving: While I wouldn't say that he's crawling yet, he certainly is mobile. When he is on his tummy (which is almost always, as he rolls the minute I put him down on his back), he uses his arms to pivot his body. He can make full circles. And Sacha also "moves" by bringing his knees toward his chest so that his bum is high in the air, and then he launches himself forward.

Talking: I have no idea what he's saying (and it's certainly nothing near Mama or Papa), but Sacha is talking a blue streak. I can have full conversations with him.

Laughing: Sacha smiled and giggled at a very young age (probably at a little under one month). Previously he would giggle if I ticked him, but lately he will laugh if I make funny faces, or if I am laughing. He also has the smile that a friend refers to as "if I open my mouth any wider it will break". See photo above!

Gesturing: I'm not sure how, but my mother taught Sacha to raise his arms when he wants to be picked up from the crib. (He only does this in the crib, though.) It's pretty amusing to see. If I walk in while he is playing, he will drop a toy and hold his arms up to me.

Sitting: I don't even know when the transition from sitting propped to sitting alone occurred. One day I thought to myself: what if I left him to balance on his hands while he's sitting. Low and behold- he did not fall over! Sacha can sit holding on to the side of the crib and holding on to his playmat bars. He's getting pretty good at supporting himself with one hand, and shoving a toy in his moth with another. Today I put him on his knees, and he balanced for a good while before toppling over.

Playing: It's amazing- Sacha actually plays with his toys. He chooses a toy with purpose- sometimes he will turn his body just to get a specific toy. His aim is spot on, and he grabs with one hand, and brings his toy directly to his mouth. I find that I can leave him on his own for quite a long period of time and he is able to amuse himself. Sacha has also now perfected grabbing the animals hanging from his mobile-while it's moving. He holds on tight, and when I come in to his room and see him doing this he looks at me as if he's saying "look what I've done!".

More Playing: Sacha found his toes last week, and perhaps they are his favorite toy of the moment. He has figured out how to get them to his mouth, and yesterday I found him sucking quite intently on his big toe, as if it were a thumb. He also loves it when I play airplane with him high up in the air. He is starting to stretch his arms and legs out while flying. And he laughs wildly. And, like most babies, Sacha loves to dance. He loves Ra.ffi, and The Beatles, and James Taylor and even my humming of silly diddies. As long as he's bouncing to a beat he's smiling and laughing.

Growing: Last week I weighed Sacha on my brother's produce scale (he's a farmer). He weighed 18 pounds. He is headed in the direction of tripling his birth weight by six months. We have a doctor's appointment in 3.5 weeks (just shy of 6 months), so I will keep you posted. He is fat, that's for sure, but he's also tall. This week I started using size 2-3 diapers. The 2s just weren't cutting it anymore.

Personality: Like I've said: Sacha loves to laugh. And he is smiling almost all the time. He is just one happy baby. Hardly anything bothers him. If he's crying it's because something is drastically wrong. He rarely cries if he's hungry, or even when he's tired. He is sweet and calm and seemingly good-natured. He loves people and smiles at everyone. I know I am incredibly lucky in this aspect. I KNOW.

For the life of me I don't know what I did to deserve such an angel. I am truly blessed.

THE WOMAN WHO CRIED TOOTH

2008-08-25T14:17:00.003-04:00

Yup that's me. Just to confirm with you all: there is no tooth. if any of you are like my mother, then you may, as she did, be thinking "I knew it! Teeth do not appear on top first!". Thank you mom.

Now on to another timely topic:

Sleep.

(We could talk about the lack of mine, but I won't go there today.)

Let me just say at the outset that Sacha is pretty much a super-duper baby. (The B.aby W.hisperer may like to label him as an "angel baby", but let's refrain from labels.) If he weren't so happy and smiley this sleep issue would definitely be way worse. I am lucky, and I know that. (Sacha is not this happy because of anything specific I have done, I am pretty certain of that.)

After his stay in the NICU, it became apparent that Sacha was a baby who liked to sleep. By 3 weeks of age he was down to waking once in the night. And he went down for naps with minimal fuss: I would swaddle him, turn on the mobile and he would already be yawning (very Pavlovian!).

As he started growing and becoming more interested in the world, he of course had less sleep time and more periods of awake time. Still, it was easy to get him to take his naps. And he often napped for at least 2 hours at lest twice a day. Sacha would go down easily at night and still only wake his once for a feeding.

Then something happened... And I don't know what. In the past 6 weeks or so Sacha has steadily decreased his frequency and quantity of naps. I am lucky if he sleeps a full hour nap. Luckier even if I can get him to do that three times a day. Twice last week he took 4 45-minute naps. And each nap is a fight now. While it is very much easier to get him down to sleep at night (possibly because this is my husband's activity), Sacha still wakes up at least once a night, and on a couple of occasions in the past few weeks it has even been twice in the night. I go to bed each night with a bit of dread, as I don't know what each night will bring.

Of course I am looking for advice/explanations/comments of understanding.

So, just to give you the whole picture, let me just tell you what I do do when it comes to sleep.

I wait until he is tired. Which is a hard one with such a smiley guy! But he is good at giving me signals. He rubs his eyes and I watch for yawns. (And even after he starts yawning and rubbing he is still playful and happy!)

I always swaddle Sacha. Even at nearly 5 months, and even though he is very big, he really likes it. I think it signals to him that he is going to go to his crib to sleep. Though, sometimes he giggles while I am swaddling- like he thinks it's a game- no so conducive to sleep!

During the day I walk and or rock him sometimes. It really depends more on how I'm feeling. I always turn his mobile on to his "sleepy" music. If I put him in his crib awake he almost always is asleep by the end of the 15 minutes it takes to play through the mobile. Sometimes he cries when I leave him like this. On those occasions he always breaks out of his swaddle. And he falls asleep on his side.

While I feel bad about somewhat letting him "cry it out", I know from experience that it will last less than 15 minutes. During those time I usually go to my computer and try to distract myself by emailing and what not.

No matter what I do, he is usually awake within an hour. Happy and ready to play! Sometimes he is still yawning and/or eye rubbing, but he refuses to go back to sleep. Other times I leave him in his crib to play for a bit (mostly when I have a bit of work to get done or I am exhausted and need a few more minutes to myself).

At night we have a very strict routine: bath, naked time, massage, nurse and then sleep. Often Sacha falls asleep nursing, and on the rest of the occasions my husband walks, jiggles and shushes him to sleep. When he wakes during the night he will often fall asleep while nursing. But if he doesn't- it's an uphill battle to get him back to sleep.Sacha is wide awake and smiling- we swaddle, we jiggle, we shush, sometimes I even try nursing again. These are times that I think that I must be living hell on earth. Why, oh why does this happen? It's especially scary now that this has started happening sometimes twice in a night.

Most people say that he seems ok because the lack of sleep doesn't seem to be affecting him. "He's so happy!" they say, "If he needed more sleep he would be crankier."

My actual issue here is two-fold.

One- if Sacha is not napping there is no way I can get some rest myself. Nor is there any way that I can get a nice chunk of work done without feeling like I am leaving him for too long on his own. (To remind you, I am self-employed and work from home. When in Canada mothers usually get one full year mat leave, the conditions of my self-employment have meant that I was working less than 48 hours after Sacha was born.)

The second issue is a bit bigger: Don't babies need sleep in order to process all that they are learning and to grow? This really really is worrying me.

I know I am not alone. I have been reading so many post lately of other mothers dealing with the same issues. But it's so hard. I have no idea if there is anything I can do, and if so what it is!

On thing is almost for certain: it is not a tooth.

ONE+ONE+ONE+ONE... UPDATED

2008-08-17T17:10:00.003-04:00

I am so tired today I might just croak. And my husband looks like he's been run over by a truck. He took Sacha grocery shopping so that I could have a break, but I can't fall asleep. I keep thinking about what the little guy has been experiencing the past couple of days.

Let's explore:

Increaced poop (more than his 2 times a day): check!
Waking in the night and taking 1-2 hours to get back to sleep: check!
Not napping: check!
Lots of coughing: check!
Emitting funny gurgly sound while puring lips and sucking on the inside of his mouth: check!
Chapped upper lip: check!
Spitting up alot more than usual: check!
Not knowing what he wants: check!
Being quiet (whenn usually happy and laughing pretty much all.the.time): check!
DROOL KING: check!

Tip of tooth peeking out of gum on top left: check!

Who stole my baby and replaced him with this big boy??

UPDATE: Umm... I think that I lied. Today there seems to be no tooth! What on earth did I see yesterday? And: then what is up with Sacha??

THE BOTTLE

2008-08-11T15:11:00.002-04:00

I did talk about this a bit in my previous post. But it's on my mind.

As we speak, Sacha is downstairs with my mother. She is attempting to give him a bottle (of pumped milk) for the third time this week. (The third attempt in one week time. So far: bottle 0.) We think it's best if I stay away while she tries, hence my sitting here typing.

I know: it's not necessary for him to take a bottle. It just means that I can't leave him for more than 3-4 hours during the day, and if we want to go out at night we have to wait until Sacha is asleep at 8 or so.

I actually never thought this would be an issue. I thought I wouldn't care if he took a bottle. At the very end of my pregnancy I bought an inexpensive (relatively speaking) pump and some bottles almost on a whim. A total whim, as I really was leaning very granola in my child rearing ideas.

I thought I would co-sleep. We purchased a co-sleeper and used it as a bassinet in our room for 3 weeks. That's all. I thought I would baby-wear all the time. Which I did often at the beginning of Sacha's life, but he quickly became to heavy to wear constantly. And, of course, I thought my baby would only eat from my breast. No nipple was going to touch my boy's mouth but my own.

(I have other convictions that I'm happy to report that I am sticking to, but that's not the point of this post.)

What I found out very quickly after Sacha was born was that I like my independence. (Which is not to say that I'm not thankful for my baby being in my life, we all know that I am, I don't have to go there, do I?) I just thought that I would be alot more... attached. To be honest, I didn't even read anything about attachment parenting before Sacha's birth. I only found out there was a name, a movement, for what I thought I wanted to do as I began to read baby development literature.

Can I tell you how thrilled I was to have my room back after only 3 weeks of sharing it? I didn't mind going to the next room when Sacha woke at night. In actuality it was easier to change feed and put him back to sleep in his room than in mine.

And can I tell you how thrilled I was when other people wanted to hold the little guy? And how comfy he seemed in his vibrating chair? And in the stroller? And anywhere I would put him down to sleep? Sacha didn't seem to mind, and I certainly felt a whole lot lighter not carrying him around all the time. I may have persisted if he didn't seem happy being put down, but in truth it seemed as if he didn't notice that he wasn't with me! (I know that baby-wearers will refute this, but again... not really the point of this post.)

And can I tell you about the concert tickets that my husband bought for us when I was about 7 months pregnant? The ones for a concert 5 weeks after my due date (Which he didn't even realize! and which ended up being only 3 weeks after Sacha's birth)?

We had to leave Sacha with my parents. And we had to leave a bottle. And he took it. No problem.

I liked the independence of that evening. My husband and I had a great time out. After only 3 weeks of parenthood we were able to leave the baby. It felt amazing to have some sort of semblance of life back if only for a few hours courtesy of Billy Joel.

I made certain that my mother was available to give Sacha a bottle about once a week. And he was always game. Sometimes it took a little coaxing, but my mother is patient beyond belief and Sacha always drank it down in the end.

Until this week. I don't know what is up!! We have tried 2 different types of bottles. I even went out and bought a sippy cup. Let me tell you- he loves that sippy cup. he figured out how to hold both handles, and that the spout goes in his mouth (a genius I tell ya!), but he can't suck hard enough yet (or hasn't figured out that he should suck the spout.)

I'm at a bit of a loss... Like I said, in terms of parenting issues, this doesn't rank so high in the "I have a problem" area.

But I like the little bit of independence that I had. It was what was keeping me sane. I knew I could go out and have a bit of me time at any point as long as there was someone to take care of Sacha. I haven't really written about this at all, but being a mother is alot more difficult that I could have ever imagined. And it's been very very hard on me. So my me time was important, even if it was infrequent.

And I am scared to lose it.

FOUR MONTHS

2008-08-08T09:04:00.006-04:00

Last week Sacha turned four months old. It seems incredible that he has already been four months, but on the other hand the past four months seem like forever.

I don't usually post about Sacha. It's more how having him has created, umm, let's say, new challenges in my life. But I thought on this occasion perhaps you would like to know what is going on with the little guy. (Also, I would like to have a record of it. So as usual, my motivation is selfish!)

Without further ado: Senhor Sacha's fine achievements to date.

At three months and one day Sacha figured out how to get his arm out from underneath himself and completed his rollover from back to front. Last week he perfected the front to back roll. We were at my parents' house and once he did it the first time he did not want to stop. Sacha rolled under the coffee table and out the other side and clear across the living room until we could not push the furniture any further. It was fun to watch him; every time he ended up back on his back he looked up surprised like: "whoa! how did I get here!".

Sacha has been putting toys in his mouth for ages. At a few weeks I would hold toys as he would suck on them. Then I would put them in his hand and he would try so hard to hold on as he sucked on them. Then I would leave a toy on his belly and he would pick it up to chew on. Now he reaches for anything in sight to pull towards himself, and when it get there he chomps heartily on it. And does not let go. I remember thinking "is he ever going to have enough strength to hold his toys?", and now here he is, choosing which ones he wants and grabbing at it with one hand.

Speaking of grabbing toys, Sacha's mobile continues to be one of his favorite things (though, as he is developing a bit of a flat spot on his head, I try not to leave him on his back when he is awake.) He is able to track the animals as they make a complete turn, and has started batting at them as they come closer to him. He opens his hand to grab them, but they move ever too quickly for him. I know it won't be long before we have to take it down. (Not to worry, we have the fis.her.pri.ce aquarium all lined up.)

The little guy is almost sitting up on his own. He spends alot of time in his bumbo, and his neck and abs are getting stronger every day. He can sit in his pack and play and while holding on in front of him, and if you prop him on the sofa he pulls himself up straight and hold his head steady. When Sacha is in his car seat he likes to bring his head forward. He sits really well on my lap when I'm at the computer; he puts his hands on the table and bangs as I type.

I am still exclusively breastfeeding. Sacha would take a bottle here and there, but only from my mother. The past couple of days we have been trying to give him a bottle and he is refusing it. Apparently I screwed up there and waited too long between bottle intervals! Now until he starts some solids it's going to be very difficult to leave him with anyone as they can't feed him. But, because he is showing such interest in what I am eating these days, I think I am going to get him a sippy cup to see if he will take it. (He does drink water from my glass, but he won't brink pumped milk from the glass!) I actually would start introducing solids, but we are going to Portugal in a few weeks and I would prefer to wait until we are back to make a big change like that.

Which isn't to say that he needs the solids per se. He seems to be doing fine with breastmilk. When we went to the doctor at 2.5 months Sacha weighed 14.5 pounds. I weighed him last week on a regular scale (me alone, and then me with him, and take the difference) and he was about 17 pounds. We don't go to the doctor again until the middle of September (when he will be almost 6 months), so I won't have a more accurate weight until them. But suffice to say that Sacha is a big boy. (The other day my brother went to snap A sun hat on Sacha and he called over to me: "which chin should I button it under?")

Where sleeping is concerned, we still have not mastered the through-the-night skill. He has been sleeping long stretches at a time (like 7-8 hours) from the time he was about 3 weeks old. I thought he was a champion then, boy! Now it seems like every other kid is sleeping through (like from 7-7!) but little Sacha! I am actually fine with waking up the once in the night to have him nibble; he gets back to sleep pretty quickly afterwards, and so do I. But the past few nights he has been waking up twice in the night! TWICE! I think I smell a sleep regression! Eeeks.

Oy! I am rambling on and on like a proud mama. Well I am! I just can't get over how my little guy is growing. It is phenomenal. So often I turn to The C and say "what have you learned in four months?!". It is simply amazing to watch my son grow. As hard as it has been, this mothering gig is so rewarding in many many ways.

I'll leave you with a few photos of Sacha (from about a month ago) taken by a friend.

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

2008-07-29T21:42:00.002-04:00

I'm finding it impossible to be both a mother and a wife. My relationship with my husband is really suffering and I just don't know what to do about.

It's not that I regret anything. Our entire life is different. And it's not that I was naive enough to not think it would be so. But I'm not so sure I am dealing with the change so well. And my husband doesn't know how to deal with me.

I'm not even sure how to write about it.

It's just all fucked.

THE NAPPER

2008-07-19T07:07:00.002-04:00

He went down like this:

(I always put him this way, even though this photo is from another day.)

He woke up screeching a bit, but I let him be. He fell asleep again. He woke up again. I heard grunts a poops and hand sucking, but I didn't go into to him, I was letting him do his business in peace. Then there was quiet. I just peeked into the room to see how he was doing.

Breaking free of the swaddle, Sacha discovers that he can indeed roll over in his bed. He will, however, be requesting a wider crib for Chanukah this year.

A GAZILLION THANKS

2008-07-15T21:27:00.003-04:00

One of the main reasons I blog is to get things off my chest without having to pay a therapist to listen. Often in the past all I have had to do is type and press publish and my anxiety would lessen. After yesterday's post I actually felt worse after writing.

And then your comments started coming in. And the weight? It lifted. The clouds parted and the sun shone through.

Which brings me to another main reason I blog: the support.

I know I say this time and time again: I don't know what I would do without this community. Thanking you can't get old. It is always wonderful to thank someone (or many someones in this case), is it not? Thank you again and again and again. Yes, you. And you. And you.

So much of what you wrote was helpful and overwhelmingly supportive. While I don't want to rejoice in the fact that many of you new mamas feel the same way I do, by golly does it feel good to know I am not alone.

Some of you asked questions and raised points, and I think it would be great to address them here as a sort of follow up.

Rachel asked if it was possible for me to work in the evening or on the weekends a bit. I do, and it helps. I have no choice... But sometimes I get flack from my husband about wanting to spend "family time" as the three of us. I feel it's a great opportunity to have papa/baby time, but him: not so much. (That post I never wrote about our changing relationship? That's part of it.)

Aurelia suggested trying to coax Sacha into a routine by feeding at certain times and sleeping at certain times. I like this idea... I think that is more what I want than a regimented schedule. And, yes, he is easy going (as in he doesn't usually complain when he's hungry!) so I just may be able to do it. I am not a very flexible person, it's usually all or nothing with me. I realize if I want to implement a routine it will be easier on both me and Sacha if I exercise some flexibility.

I think alot of this is about having the confidence to just feel what I am doing/want to do is right for the baby. (And right for me.)

Oh, and how I love you guys who are with me on independent time. I am just thinking that it can no longer happen in the crib. (I am still not sure about the bumper use. It is in the washing machine as we speak, and I may try it tomorrow on the crib.) Independent play time is getting harder even if isn't in the crib (ie: on his playmat) because he rolls from back to front with such ease and can't figure out how to get back (so I am constantly having to flip him back!)

While this cuts down on time I can be "away" while Sacha is playing, I have to admit that baby development is absolutely fascinating. I can't believe in 16 shot weeks how much this little guy has learned to do!

A couple of you mentioned childcare. I have thought about getting someone in maybe 2 half days a weeks so I can get some solid work done. I will have to increase my workload in order to afford this. When my busy season ramps up in January I will have to revisit the option. Right now it's not something I can spend money on.

Lots of you mentioned diaper output and baby weight. As far as I know we have no problem in that department. Regular pees and poos all around. And I am pretty sure Sacha weighs in the neighbourhood of 17-20 pounds (and he's not yet 4 months!)

Which leads me to the feeding. I have been paying very close attention the past couple of days. Yes, it does seem that I have a fast let down, and Sacha seems to gobble and swallow crazy-fast at the beginning of feeds. Thanks for letting me know that you guys have asked yourselves the same questions regarding "time", and helping me see that we are doing alright.

As for the night feeding- as Serenity pointed out that he actually may not need to eat when he wakes. I have thought about this. I don't know if I have the guts to not feed him at night (I know he won't starve, but still...). He doesn't use a pacifier, so I'm not sure how I would soothe him at night other than picking him up and rocking him. In which case I feel that I might as well feed him.

And finally, a big nod to Robin. Thanks to her I think that I am ready to say fuck you to the Ba.by Whi.sperer. Really, reading her second book is what started this anxiety in the first place!! I think that some good ideas are broached in her book, but I am feeling that being a little more flexible on how I interpret the "advice" will go a loooong way in making my life less anxiety ridden.

(Wow. Did not intend this post to go on for so long.)

So. In conclusion: not enough words to tell you how thankful I am. I can invent a new word for thanks, but then I will have used it, and next time I will have to invent another new one. And well, I have a baby, and work to do, and enough stress already. I hope plain vanilla thanks seems heartfelt enough. I really mean it.

It has been a relief to be free of bad mama thoughts for a day because of all of you.

2008-07-14T07:47:00.002-04:00

I am a pretty realistic person (to a fault, some might say).

I don't believe I ever let my intense desire to have a child with my husband cloud the idea that parenting would not be challenging. The thing is, even with my realistic outlook, there was no way I could have been prepared for how.

As usual I have left too much time pass between posts, and I find that there is so much that I want to say. When I sat down to write this post I thought about which topic to write about. I realized the common theme with all of them: what a hard time I am having with this mother thing. How I so often think that I am just not a good mother.

I love Sacha with all my heart and I am thankful for being able to carry him and give birth to him. And I am honoured to be his mama. I am told that he is an easy baby (I don't know babies, so I couldn't say so myself!). He is a delight, he is delicious. It is amazing to watch him grow and change.

However, none of the above make the role of being a mother easier. There is so much that I am struggling with... Can I share a bit?

I constantly worry that Sacha isn't eating enough. I feed him 5 times a day and one time during the night when he wakes up. I would say that on average he eats for about 10 minutes. I was told from the beginning that I shouldn't watch the clock when breastfeeding, that the baby will eat what he needs to eat. But I couldn't help it. As a newborn he could eat for nearly an hour. By month 2 we had mastered the feeding and Sacha would eat for 20 minutes or so. In the past month we have dropped to 10 minutes, and I find that at some feeds it is even less. Often I have to burp him in the middle (unusual for breastfed babies, from what I understand), and he almost always spits up. His pee and poop is not cause for alarm (he fills his diapers plenty), and he doesn't seem to be lacking in the weight department. I also know that after some time babies suck more efficiently. But less than 10 minutes? That just doesn't seem like enough. When do I worry about this?

Closely related to feeding is, of course, sleeping. I can't seem to get the little guy into any type of routine. Being an easy baby he isn't too too fussy. I find that he doesn't wake up at the same time every day, he doesn't nap at them same times every, or for the same amount of time at each nap. (And as a result he doesn't nurse at the same times.) We do get him to be between 8-9 every night, but he hardly ever wakes in the night at the same time. And he has only slept through the night on a handful of random occasions. He's pretty easygoing: He can be awake for up to 5 hours without getting unhappy. What I am unsure about is this: should I just go with his flow? Is my concern about his lack of routine an issue for me because I like routine? Am I trying to impose something on my child that he doesn't really need? If I don't start him on a routine now is it going to be a problem in 3 months, 6 months or a year from now? Am I not teaching him good habits??

You see, I don't know. And not knowing makes me feel incompetent. Which in turn doesn't help with the feeling like a good mother thing.

Here's another thing that I am struggling with. As I've written before, I am self employed and work at home. While I was able to scale down my work for the arrival of the baby, I have not been able to stop working completely. I don't work every day. But I have been working from the day we have gotten home from the hospital (no work means no money coming in- I don't have any maternity benefits.) I really really really wish that I hadn't had to work for the last three months, and that I could have been able to spend every moment with Sacha. That just not a possibility. And neither is "sleeping when he sleeps", because that is time that I have to take to work. (Or blog! And that's why I don't blog so much! I then I end up with post the length of the Bible.) Adding to this is issue, is, with his lack of routine and unreliable nap length, I have been having to work while he is awake. Which means leaving him "alone" (on his play mat, vibrating chair or playing in the crib.) The other day his leg got stuck between the crib bars and he screamed bloody murder. This morning I found him with his arm hanging out. I am worried that I am leaving him too much and that he is going to get injured. (Please do not call child services on me!) I don't know if I should put the bumper pad on his crib for fear of SIDS. Some people tell me that it is ok to leave the baby, that he should learn to play independently. Which is good advice... but how much independence?

Couple this with my sometimes feelings that as much as I want to it is really difficult to entertain a baby all day long. So I leave him to play because I feel I am going to go bonkers. And that makes me feel bad.

All this is just making me into a stressed-out ball of nerves. I know it's not good for me or for Sacha. I read "the books". And then I feel I can't do what the books are telling me to do. Which in turn makes me feel even worse. Like I'm not doing the best for my baby.

I, of course, have other concerns. How will I ever get him to drop the middle of the night feeding. I am reading that babies should be starting to sleep through the night by now. I don't see this happening, no matter how much of an angel Sacha is. But I feel the pressure. What if I'm not doing something right?

Worse is that people seem to think that I am crazy. (I am neurotic. Those of you who have been her for the past 2 years may recall...) It doesn't help that Sacha is all smiles when The C comes home at night, and I just can't seem to get him to comprehend why I feel the way I do. The women who are my support (my mother, my aunt, my grandmother), tell me that Sacha doesn't seem to complain much, so I should not be so worried.

This post is not meant to be whiny or complain-y. The fact of the matter is that I just don't know what to do. At some point on most days I tend to work myself into being so upset that I think how am I going to do this?.

Please don't go telling me after you read this post that I should just be thankful for what I have. I know that. That's part of the problem.

(I also know that this post is a bit all over the place. Thanks for reading, I hope it make a little bit of sense, at least.)

IN-LAWS IN MY FACE

2008-06-29T15:27:00.002-04:00

You kow, here's the thing.

I have always been the baby of the family. I was 10 before a new addition was made to the family, and even then I remained the baby. Growing up with family friends I was youngest of all the kids. I have 3 cousins who are younger than me, and 2 neices, and still I am referred to as "the baby". While I was pregnant, I can't even tell you how many times I heard "the baby is having a baby!".

It's funny, I never minded being called the baby. It has never bothered me. I liked the attention.

Now, of course, the baby's baby is born. A family member pointed out to me that I would longer get the attention of the baby in the family. And you know what? I LOVE it. I love that Sacha is the centre of attention around here. It thrills me to have people come over, say a quick hello to me and beeline for the baby. (And I get the distinct feeling that Sacha adores it too!)

Friday night my in-laws called and told my husband that they were coming for the weekend. (Yes, they told him they were coming, not asked if we had other plans, seeing as they would be arriving 12 hours later.) Alas, as annoying as this information was to me, there was little I could do about it. They haven't seen Sacha since he was about 2 weeks old.

I was out all day with Sacha yesterday, and arrived home a few minutes after they arrived at our house. I unlocked the door and there was my father-in-law. He grabbed the baby seat from my hands and plunked the baby down in the living room in front of my mother-in-law, who immediately started fawning over him. The child was still strapped in and it became apparent that the mechanism of the carseat was too much for my mother-in-law to handle so I unbuckled him. My mother-in-law practically pushed me out of the way to lift Sacha out.

As I said before, I am ecstatic that everyone wants to see Sacha right away. And I know they were excited to see him- it had been 3 months. Never mind that they did not take into account that the baby might be scared when faced with people that he doesn't recognize. Never mind that someone that is a strnager to him swooped right in and grabbed him. I am hardly ever comfortable around my in-laws (they don't speak much English, and make very little effort to try to communicate with me), and their behaviour instantly put me on edge. Some kids are sensitive and don't like to be bombarded by strangers. I'm lucky that Sacha likes to laugh and giggle at anyone.

I realized about 10 minutes after our arrival that my in-laws did not even say hi to me. It's almost as if I don't exist. They have never been warm and fuzzy towards me, but now it's apaprent that I was just a vehicle for their grandson. My husband thinks that I am nuts- of course they said hello! He, as I recall, had ran out to the car and not seen this whole transaction, or lack there of.

All day the in-laws have been clapping and whistling at Sacha, holding him when I want him to be playing or having tummy-time. The C showed my mother-in-law some books we found in Portuguese, and asked her if she would read one to Sacha. She basically laughed at the notion that we read to the baby because, of course, he can't understand!

I know it's only a weekend, but it still puts me on edge. Are there not limits to what I should tollerate?

HELP- NOT OF THE BABY KIND

2008-06-23T11:45:00.005-04:00

So... As always, Mel over at Stirrup-Queens has come up with another fabulous idea. Go on... click over, but please come back... I need your help.

For those not wanting to click, in a nutshell, she writes:
The first days may have been the hardest days for the Grateful Dead, but the second year is certainly the hardest year for a blogger.

I am less than one week away from getting through the second year.

Therefore, I am marking the event, nodding towards the stamina and the
journey and the hard work by choosing a new secondary blogging name much in the same tradition as a trail name.

[...] If your blog is two years old or older; or when your blog turns two years old (perhaps, if you just crossed into your second year, this will be an impetus to keep writing for 11 more months), please add your blog to the registry I have started on my sidebar--the Blogging Name Project--and state the new secondary blogging name you have either chosen for yourself OR that you asked others to choose for you in a post you place close to the two year mark.

My 2 year blogaversary was June 12. I can hardly believe it’s been 2 years that I have been writing here. I also can’t believe that in that time I was able to conceive and give birth. I am truly blesses. Also, I realized, June 12 of last year marked the first day of my period of the cycle I conceived. Freaky? Yah.

I feel it is important to commorate this. As I roll into my third year of blogging I realize so much has changed around here. I think it would be so, umm, nifty to mark this transition by choosing a secondary blogging name. And that's where you guys come in.

Suggestions? How 'bout I help you help me. You've been reading for a while (some of you from the beginning: Erin, you commented on my very first post!), what words do you think fit me? You know, ones that will be great to mark the past and the future?

Let's come up with something good. Ok- go!

I KEEP SAYING THERE IS SO MUCH TO WRITE ABOUT

2008-06-18T14:47:00.001-04:00

And then I don't write about it.
Maybe if I didn't wait so long to post it would be easier...

***

I DID write an almost-complete post about how Sacha has stopped napping. But as I was writing it he decided to take a mega-long nap. Since then he had been mostly alright about the napping. It's really just a matter of us (as in me and Sacha) figuring out what works for him.

***

I have been told time and time again over the past 11 weeks what an "easy" baby Sacha is. I don't have much experience with babies, so I can't really compare. But he's generally happy, eats well, sleeps well, and likes people. I count myself as very very lucky. (Really, I do count it as luck. At this point in his life it's about his disposition, not about my parenting!) I am thankful everyday for my little boy.

***

The little boy, however, is not so little. We went to the doctor yesterday. Sacha weighs 14.5 pounds. That is almost double his birth weight of 7lb 7oz, and more than double his NICU admission weight of 6lb 7oz. He is 25in long. I have packed away all his 0-3 months clothes, and he fits quite well into all the 3-6 month stuff. It is so hard to believe how fast this kid is growing!!

I was a little sad packing up Sacha's first clothes. These were all the items I purchased over a number of months before he was born. I selected each piece with such love, marveling at how tiny they were, thinking about the little boy I would give birth to. Each one was a "favorite", and Sacha looked so yummy in them all.

I was also sad because at the same time I found myself thinking: we'll save them for our next child and what if there isn't another child to wear these...

***

I try to savour every moment just in case. Every smile, giggle, pout.

***

Still the post about my husband is brewing in my head. I compose it over and over. It's just so complicated. I love him. He loves me. We both love the baby. But it's been so rocky for so many weeks now. It's not about how good a father he is. I knew he would always be wonderful in this respect, which is one of the reasons that I wanted so badly to have a family with him. As a matter of fact he has so far exceeded any expectation that sometimes I get teary just watching him with Sacha.

Of course I knew that our relationship would change after the baby was born. Is there any out there that doesn't? We aren't just "us" anymore. But it's more than that... My entire life pretty much revolves around caring for Sacha. And it's hard, it's draining. And in so many ways The C just doesn't understand what it takes on a day to day basis. He doesn't get it, and it makes me feel that he doesn't get me anymore.

I do have to admit, though, that after taking a week off of work to spend with the baby last week, perhaps he has begun to see what is involved with looking after an almost-three-month-old. I see that he is trying harder to be who I need him to be, not just for the baby, but for me. I hope this is a sign of things getting easier on our relationship.

***

Just one more thing on the subject of husbands. What is it with them and sex? Why can't they understand that now is just not a good time? Believe you me, this does not mean that we have not, umm, done it since the baby was born. In fact, in my opinion, we have had more sex then I ever would have imagined possible! Buy, why, why, is that still not enough??!!

***

End of rambling.

NO, THE BABY HAS NOT EATEN ME ALIVE

2008-06-05T09:33:00.002-04:00

My boy, he is getting FAT. He likes to eat. I guess my breastmilk is doing him good.

Speaking of breasts...

I promised that I would not write another post about my boobs. The problem with that is that it lead me to not post for, like, two weeks. I feel like I left you guys hanging!

Long story short: I am no longer sweating a lot during the night. My supply seems to have regulated. I am wearing a bra at night, with just one set of pads. I do not love wearing the bra (and have tried a few different types), but at least I am not leaking everywhere. This means I have been able to eliminate sleeping on the waterproof pad. Thank the LORD. I feel SO MUCH better.

All thanks to you guys. It really is marvelous to have such a community to turn to. There really are no words to express how grateful I am. I only hope that I can pay it forward.

***

I also still am sorting out my thoughts about how the baby is affecting my relationship with my husband. There just is so much to write about. Some days I can't believe I have such a gem of a man as the father of our baby. Other days I am just so mad. There is so much that he just doesn't get.

Hopefully I can write about it soon...

ASK AND YE SHALL RECEIVE (AND SO I AM ASKING FOR MORE)

2008-05-21T07:28:00.007-04:00

You guys are just absolutely amazing. Thanks so much for your support and suggestions about the whole leaking and sweating thing. Really, THANK YOU. And a special double merci to Mel who posted on the Lost and Found that brought so many of you here to help.

Ah! This community! it just rocks.

I know you know, but: it is so great to feel not alone! This was me a few days ago: I'm so abnormal, what the fuck is going on with my boobs, am I a freak of nature?! This is me now: I may be uncomfortable, but many others have been through it, and I WILL survive.

Woo wee. Deep breath: it's all gonna be ok.

I have been wearing a bra at night with my regular reusable breast pads. It has worked so far except on one occasion where I leaked. One out of the past 5 nights is not bad.

But... (isn't there always a but?) A few things of note:

I have found since not leaking at night I wake up incredibly engorged. My boobs (already size G since giving birth) are hard and full and heavy.

AND: this new bra-wearing, non-leaking regime has coincided with the baby deciding to sleep through the night! Not that I am complaining about the sleeping (he has slept from about 9pm until 4 or 5 am the past 3 out of 4 nights), but this is exacerbating the engorgement of the boobs.
Furthermore, I think I have a plugged duct on the underside of my left breast. It hurts. Like a bitch.

So... here are my questions for today:

1- My supply will go down, and the engorgement will stop, right? If the baby stops his night feeding then my body will stop producing milk and adjust, right?

2- So given that, if I pump to empty my breasts so that I leak less, the pumping will actually stimulate my body to produce more milk. I think I have that correct, do I not? So I think that I am only going to pump when I need the milk.

3- I have resigned myself to wearing a bra at night (which I don't enjoy, but is a necessary evil, I guess.) Given my humungoid breasts, does anyone have a suggestion for a very comfortable bra to wear at night?

4- I am interested but weary of using Lilypadz. What happens to the milk that leaks? It's no good if it just pools around the nipple, is it? I am not adverse to using them, I just don't want to spend all that money (on one set of pads!) and never use them.

5- Back to this plugged duct... what do you guys recommend? I am going to use hot compresses through the day and see if that helps.

AND AGAIN: you guys are the greatest. There is nothing in this world that can compare to the support and love that I feel from you.

***

Do you want to hear about the baby at all?

I'll be brief (in case you don't. And in case he wakes up in the meantime...)

Sacha is doing great. He's 7 and a half weeks old (He'll be 2 months next Thursday!)

He is getting chubby, so I know that he is eating well. His long slim fingers he had at birth are no more. And he has like 4 necks. He has even grown out of some of his sleepers, and is fitting well into clothes that he was not able to wear in his first month. I have no idea how much he weighs (we haven't been to the doctor since he was 2 and a half weeks old), but I would guestimate about 10 lbs. To think that I was worried about my breast milk and about him getting enough!

It's also fun to watch Sacha do new things. He's been smiling for a few weeks (especially for The C, it's so delicious to watch!) and in the past day or so I think that I can identify a little laugh as he is smiling. Sacha also loves his mobile- he can lie under it for 45 minutes just babbling away to his little animal friends. I try not to use it as a baby sitter, but I have to admit that it does give me time to take care of some things! We also try tummy-time at least once a day, and some days are more successful than others. Sacha is getting more consistent at holding up his head, and he likes to look at the baby in the mirror.

And his sleeping... I told you above that he's maybe starting to sleep through the night (praying for no regression...). He naps well too, in short spurts during the day. He rarely has trouble going to sleep in his crib as long as I swaddle him tight. He is even learning to fall asleep on his own in his crib (as opposed to before when I would only put him down after I rocked him to sleep in my arms.) Don't get me wrong, he does fuss- he is a baby after all. But overall in this department I count myself as totally lucky. (And luck has everything to do with this!)

Ok, I'll leave you with one yummy picture. (Taken a week and a half ago.)

Next time I will try not to write about my boobs. Maybe I will tell you about the good and bad behaviors of my husband...

QUESTIONS, ADVICE NEEDED... PLEASE!

2008-05-14T11:35:00.002-04:00

I have so much to write, but every time I sit down and finally have a second either: 1- my brain goes blank; or 2- Sacha wakes up from his nap. Here I am... but the little guy seems like he is about to stir.

I have a million questions, and two million things to tell you about (and that I want to record for posterity), but I will stick to the single most pressing issue du moment.

Of course, it's about breastfeeding. (Ok, it very well could have been about sleeping or pooping, but this time: it's not!)

Here's the thing: Sacha is a champion breast-sucker. Pretty much from the middle of his second week things have been smooth sailing for him in the breastfeeding department. (We were off to a rocky start due to my insecurities coupled with Sacha's 3 days in the NICU, but I had a lactation consultant come in immediately when we got home, and she helped us out immensely.)

As you can imagine, I am thrilled beyond belief that my boobs are working to feed my little boy. I actually never thought I would be able to do it, you know, what with the fucked up hormones and all. And I'm certainly not all smug and fanatic about breastfeeding. I pump from time to time, and my mother and The C have both been able to feed Sacha from a bottle.

So the question/ advice that I need today is not about the baby and the breast. It's about ME. (Yes, me, me, me.) This is going to be totally TMI, but I don't know where to turn to talk about this...

The problem I am having arises only at night, and it is two fold.

First: While during the day my breast hardly leak at all (as in I don't really need to wear breast pads, but as I have leaked about 2 times, I wear them just in case), at night I find that they leak pretty much out of control. If I'm lying on my side then I get huge, soaking spots on the bottom sheet, and it I'm lying on my back I soak the top sheet. (In terms of timing, I usually feed the baby at 8 before putting him to bed, then he feeds at 1-2 am, and then again at 5-6 am.)

Second: I have been having unbelievable night sweats. Again, nothing during the day whatsoever. But at night I am soaked. And again, my sweats are soaking my sheets. Top sheet and bottom sheet. And so much sweat that the other night I had The C bring me a towel to put on top of me because i was absolutely dripping.

I have tried to "deal" with the two situations above by putting a waterproof pad down on the bed. (I procured it from the hospital post-partum... thank goodness I had the foresight to, umm, bring it home with me! I thought I would need it for bleeding at night...) In the morning the pad is so wet that I joke to The C that I can just have Sacha suck on it for his morning meal. It gets very cold when I get up in the middle of the night, making it very uncomfortable to come back to bed. And also it is very hard to turn during the night as the pad is so wet that it literally sticks to me.

I know that the the leaking and night sweats are related: the higher levels of prolactin due to breastfeeding cause sweating (I read about it in brief here.) So I know in theory that what is going on is, perhaps, normal. BUT I don't feel normal. In fact I feel disgusting, gross and wet. (How yucky is it to have to ask your husband to get you a towel to put between yourself and the top sheet because you are pouring sweat!)

So... I need help.

Firstly- really, is this normal? Is this just one of those things that no one talks about/doesn't want to tell you about?

Second- How come I am leaking so much- should my supply not be all "regulated" by now? Sacha eats pretty regularly (in terms of quantity consumed and number of feedings per day.)

Third- What can I do about it? (The leaking and the sweating.) Does anyone have any solutions for me? (Sleeping with a bra and nursing pads is not really an option- I will leak right through...)

(And, before you ask, yes I sleep with nothing on, because how double gross would it be to leak and sweat through pjs. Oy!)

(And also: I feel pretty bad/guilty writing about this. Like in the same way as I did about writing about pregnancy after IF. I'm so sorry if I'm offending any of you out there who are thinking: if only I had these problems. I know that feeling. I will never be able to forget that.)

MONTH ONE

2008-05-02T09:08:00.002-04:00

My precious pumpkin,

I can hardly believe you have been around a month already. (Yes, I know it's a few days late, but so were you coming into this world, so let's just call it even.) We use the phrase "I can't believe that..." alot around here. That's because you're unbelievable. You are pretty amazing, little guy. We worked so hard to get you and you are all ours. It still seems so unreal.

When your papa and I carried you out of the hospital (the first time, when you were 2 days old), we looked at each other and mused: I can't believe they are just going to let us walk out of here with this perfect child. Truth be told, even though I had yearned for you for 32 months (plus an extra 9 days for good measure!) I had no idea what we were doing.

One month later I am learning minute by minute and day by day what your needs are. You are doing a great job of teaching me what you need. Your classes are very hard- some of the hardest I have ever attended- but I think that I'm passing.

One of the toughest classes by far has been breastfeeding. At first I couldn't even imagine that my breasts would be able to nourish you. I know, it's an age-old art, but when it came down to doing it, you and I, I found myself thinking "how's that gonna work?!". After many trying times (made much more difficult because of your stay in the NICU) it would seem that we have this eating thing down pat. It's like a well choreographed dance: you whimper, I whip out my boob, you are thrilled. Lesson learned. We even successfully got you fed in public on a number of occasions. Really, I can't believe that my breast milk is making you grow big and strong.

And big and strong you certainly are! At your 2 week check-up you weighed 8lb 4oz, and I'm sure you are well over 9lb by now. I feel it- you are getting heavier. And pudgier-your thighs, hands and neck are really filling out. It's amazing to watch day by day how you are learning to control your body parts. Your neck is so strong- you often want to hold up your head all on your own. And you have discovered how to get your hands to your mouth- a feat that requires so much coordination! It's so fun to lay you on your tummy for a minute or two and watch you stretch and exercise your arms and legs- you seem to have endless amounts of energy bursting out of your every limb!

But, I have to admit, it is more fun to watch you sleep peacefully. Primarily because with your eyes closed you look so peaceful and beautiful. I feel like I could sit and stare at you for hours. But I can't- this is the time that I use to get stuff done: work, laundry, shower, pee, the list can go on and on! Sometimes, if I'm lucky, I am able to take a nap too. Oh, and the second reason that I love to watch you sleep? It's knowing that once again I was able to do something right by you: it's a major accomplishment sending you off into dreamland.

Speaking of major, let's take a moment to discuss your poop. Kid: you poop like no other. Your quantity, frequency and timing are probably unparalleled. We had to move to a bigger diaper size just to be able to contain your movements. (All is normal, I have been assured. But it DOES seem like alot.) One skill you have mastered is the projectile poop. Oh, your papa and I have learned our lesson! Change that diaper FAST. Last week your poop travelled no less than 5 feet across the room when our timing was off. And somehow the other day you managed to plant poo on papa's leg. Still trying to figure that one out.

I think your papa and I thought we would never become the type of parents to discuss sleeping, crying, eating and pooping with so much interest and enthusiasm. But you are the new centre of our universe, and these are your crowning achievements. How could we not spend hours dissecting their frequency, change or meaning? I mean, it's all just so important!

The newest lesson I have learned is that if I do everything right by you, you will give me the biggest reward of all. You show me what love and joy and feel like. You have even started showing me your gorgeous gummy toothless grin. A smile that melts my heart, that makes me think: I can do this, and I'm doing it right. And that, most of all, is so amazing to believe.

I love you.

YOU ARE REWARDED

2008-04-22T16:53:00.010-04:00

There aren't enough ways to thank you guys for your comments, support and suggestions following my last post.

As promised, your compensation for being so wonderful follows below.

First off, the baby's room (formerly known as the little room. I STILL can't believe it's for a real live baby!)

And here is a random selection of Sacha, currently known by my husband as "Super Pooper":

I'm biased and all, but I think he's pretty delish. If you can tear your eyes away from the little guy, I just wanted to respond to some of your suggestions...

1- As you can see in the picture above, I DO have a sling, and YES, it is marvelous. As I type this Sacha is breathing hot air down my cleavage in a wonderfully restful nap. (While I love the sling, wearing it for him to nap means that I can't nap while he is. But I can blog...)

2- Penis has been pointed down and diaper leakage has abated. Why was it pointed up to begin with, you may wonder? Because my husband likes his pointed up, and well, he assumed the baby would too! OY!

3- Yesterday I moved to size 1 diapers. Also with much success. It seems funny because they are SO BIG on Sacha, but they are doing the trick. It's hard to believe that he has already grown out of something!

4- I had purchased The Happiest Baby on the Block prior to Sacha's birth, but didn't get the chance to read it. I have, however, read it now. You are all right, Dr. Karp is a genius. I have mastered most of the 5 S's, and can calm Sacha easily. I find that getting him from calm to sleep a bit more difficult.

5- Also, after reading the book I realize that Sacha isn't really that fussy. It's perhaps more that I am a little low on patience. I am trying to adapt...

6- About my husband... Dawn made a wonderful point about leaving the baby with him for an extended period of time. I would have no problem doing that, and neither would he. The only issue is that until June he is working 12 hour days, 7 days a week, and will not have a day off. That's just the way the cookie crumbles in our family-run business, and there is little either of us can do about it. But I still reserve the right to complain!!

Ok, I'm off to try to get a bit of rest. I will post more on how life changes after baby when I have a moment. And also- the birth story will be up one of these days. (Hopefully before March 2009!)

MY BOY IS A POOP MACHINE

2008-04-17T11:14:00.003-04:00

Or: Stuff That May or May Not be of Interest to You.

I don't know... do you want to hear about Sacha? How cute and delicious he is? How when he "smiles" he has a dimple that matches mine, and it can make your heart melt?

Or would you prefer to hear about how deluded I was about being a mother because I was so blinded by wanting a child that I never in my wildest imagination thought that being mommy to an infant would be so overwhelming?

Or how about the fact that my husband went back to work when Sacha was 5 days old, leaving me to sit in the NICU by myself? How he gets to go off and be normal everyday, thinking it's easy to parent because: look the baby fell asleep after I rocked him for 15 minutes- your days can't be that hard! How our relationship will never be the same, and although I knew it wouldn't, I could not have imagined how.

Or how I'm not 100% certain that paragraph 1 above makes up for paragraphs 2 and 3.

I'll let you decide what you want me to blog about, and I'll post about it next time.

In the meantime, I have some questions for some of you who are currently in the infant rearing stage. (I really have to get out and join a "group" or something. Because I don't have anyone around me with a baby. But I am scared shitless of interacting with run of the mill fertiles, you know?)

Ok, so...

1. What kind of diapers are you using? Cuz Sacha seriously seems to leak through any type we have tried so far. Is it a boy thing? He gets wet spots on the back of all his clothes because his penis (pointing up) pees out of the top front of the diaper and then runs along to the back. Or am I just a horrible diaper-putter-oner?

2. What do you do with a child who is dry, fed, and being rocked, but still is crying? At these times I find myself going batty. And then I start crying. And then no one is doing anyone any good over here.

3. Also- being alone all day at home- that I'm used to from my past 4 years of self-employment. But being at home with an infant who is in constant need of you? Diaper, feed, play, rock to sleep, repeat. I have to eat, I have to shower, I have to do load after load of poopy laundry, I have to do a bit of work (I have to blog...). What is with this notion of "sleep when the baby is sleeping"? How am I supposed to do that??!!

Ach... is anyone still reading anyways?

If you are, then remember your homework- topic to write about from first part of post, and answers to my questions from second part of post.

Next time you may be rewarded with yummy pics. And pics of the baby room which I never posted.

HOME SWEET HOME, AGAIN

2008-04-07T20:12:00.002-04:00

We got discharged from the NICU on Friday afternoon, and Sacha made his second trip home from the hospital. He was up close to his birth weight and nice and rosy looking. The three days there were the hardest of my life so far. My heart goes out to all of you who have had extended stays in the NICU. I can't even begin to imagine.

On Sunday we returned for a weight check and bili count. Sacha had lost a bit of weight, but the pediatrician was not concerned as I have been exclusively breastfeeding him. The doctor looked at his colour, thought he looked terrific and decided there was no need to prick the baby for his blood. We were sent home with a clean bill of health (and an order to see our pediatrician in a couple of days time for a weight check.)

So far so good. I have met with a Lactation Consultant (who I love!) to ensure that I am feeding Sacha properly. I wasn't so concerned with his feeding immediately post-partum, but when he became jaundiced I couldn't help but think that it was my fault, that I wasn't feeding him well. The LC told me that as long as he was peeing often (6+ wet diapers a day) and gaining weight then I was doing my job. Let me tell you, now that he is well, my little boy pees and poos like a pro.

Tomorrow we are off to the pedi for his weight check, and then I will know for sure how he is doing.

Tomorrow in the late afternoon we are also having his bris. His first Jewish milestone.

This is by far the hardest thing that I have ever done. But every time I look into my little son's eyes I fall in love a million times over.

ONE VALUABLE THING ABOUT COMMUNITY...

2008-04-02T23:15:00.003-04:00

Is the knowledge you gain from others' experiences.

When Sacha was admitted to the NICU this afternoon I knew what to expect. It's not knowledge that I wanted to ever have (much like all the endless details about TTC), but today I was glad I was able to remain on two feet as we wheeled our little guy into perhaps the beeping-est room in the hospital.

It's nothing "serious", in terms of the simple I can never compare what we are going through to the endless realities I have read about from you guys. But I think that I was able to hold it together because I knew what to expect.

It's quite simple, really. Sacha was jaundiced, lost too much of his birth weight, wasn't peeing or pooping.

For the past 11 hours he has been under the lamps, and been having an IV infusion. When we left tonight he was already looking somewhat better and his bili levels had dropped. And he made a couple of pees.

I was afraid it was because of my breastfeeding, but it turns out that all the symptoms are just snowball effects of the jaundice.

It was terribly difficult to leave the hospital tonight with an empty car seat. And now I am sitting here being sad about not being up with my little bundle all night walking the hallway. Hopefully we will have him back where he belongs tomorrow.

So ya. He is going to be ok. We are going to be ok. I just wanted to again thank this community.

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SIGHT IN THE WORLD*

2008-04-01T07:44:00.005-04:00

S.acha M.atias was born on Saturday, March 29 at 6.33pm weighing 7lb 7oz and measuring 20inches. He is named after The C's maternal granfather Silverio and my maternal grandfather Melvin. It is our honour to honour their memories.

As you can see, he's perfect. We are thrilled, but we are facing some challenges.

My birthing story isn't the one I had thought I would have, but it is mine nonetheless, and I am proud of myself, my husband and our little guy. And I will forever worship the ground my doula** and her tireless student walk on.

I have started on the birth story, but wanted to let you all know the great news as soon as I could. Thanks for all the wishes so far-they sure are making today alot easier.

* Except for Serenity, Oro, Dawn, Kate, Artblog and Somewhat Ordinary's (pwp) guys. (OMG we all had boys, I just realized!!) Congrats to all you fine women.

** Here she is, written up in the newspaper!

THE LEAST I CAN DO IS UPDATE YOU

2008-03-27T20:32:00.002-04:00

Seeing as I have yet to produce the baby...

Highlights of the past 24 hours:

1- I have lost all or at least part of my mucous plug. It hasn't been bloody, just more discharge with globs of mucous and (tmi) some jelly-like bits. This is encouraging, my cervix must be opening more.

2- I have officially finished all my work I set out to do before the baby comes (I am self-employed so I do plan to continue working somewhat, or I won't make any money!), I have filed and paid my taxes, and all my accounting is up to date.

3- I woke up around 5.30 am with some cramps. They came and went about every 7 minutes or so until mid-morning. They weren't terribly painful, but still not fun. Although they were not rhythmic the rest of the day, they were still present. Again- encouraging.

4- Our crib finally arrived! Yes, only today! A month later than we had been promised. It is assembled and made, and I am so pleased with our choice of furniture and bedding! Still waiting on the dresser though! If I have nothing exciting to post in the next few days I will definitely get some pics up.

5- For those suggesting sex- we did that this morning. Maybe it helped. Who knows? Won't The C be pleasantly surprised if I suggest more of the same tomorrow morning!!

6- NST and fluid check set for tomorrow morning. I have been drinking like crazy in order to keep my fluids high all day today. I am a b it nervous about speaking with my doctor following the tests, but we shall see. Maybe I will go into labour tonight and it will all be moot.

7- Spoke with my doula this aft and she seems very to think that all is going well. I will speak with her after my tests tomorrow so that she can help me make an informed decision.

Finally, and always: A million hugs to you all for being here time and time again. I want to have little boy pics to reward you with. Just bear with me and my body!!

STILL NO BABY

2008-03-26T16:10:00.002-04:00

That's pretty much the subject line of every email I am writing these days lest the receiver think that it will actually contain the words "am in labour, on the way to hospital." Wishful thinking!!

If all went as my doctor wanted it to I would either presently be in labour or holding my son. I'm sitting in my office blogging, so neither of the above is currently true.

Monday's appointment and subsequent 24 hours were tough. For starters I waited 4 hours to see the doctor. Not pleasant on any occasion, but incredibly less so at 41 weeks with shooting pains in both my legs. I could neither sit or stand- it was horrible.

By the time I got in for my exam I felt worse than shit run over by a tractor trailer. My doctor could obviously see that. I had an internal to find that I was 1+cm dilated (not quite 2cm!). The doctor proclaimed that we needed a plan on how to proceed. She suggested I go in to the hospital Tuesday evening to have gel inserted to soften my cervix, and then come in Wednesday morning (when she would be at the hospital) for an induction. I was feeling hopeless and miserable, and so I agreed.

It turns out that knowing it was going to happen didn't make me feel any better, and on the car on the way home I snapped out of it and realized "this is not what I want!!" At home I spoke with my wonderful doula who promptly reminded me of this very important fact. The doula and I made an appointment to meet in the morning to discuss what I really wanted to do.

I woke up feeling like a new person. First thing in the morning I called the doctor's office and canceled the induction, but made an appointment for an NST and fluid check (I knew I had no choice in the matter... my doctor had already told me if I chose not to induce that day I would have to go for the tests. I was completely ok with that.)

I then met with my doula and we talked about what was going on. I came to the conclusion that I indeed did want to wait, that my body was doing something (I was after dilating, even if just a bit), and that perhaps the baby was just waiting for all the turmoil following the death of my grandfather in order to come into the world. (I know many of you won't prescribe to this, but I feel very strongly about messages from the body.)

I felt so much better and headed off to my NST (which would invariably tell us if it was at all medically necessary to get the baby out of me.) The NST was totally fine, and my fluid level was moderate. The doctor who did the fluid check said that moderate was ok, and that I could wait a couple of days and come back Friday for a further check (Provided I hadn't given birth!)

Great news in my books! I took the report and headed up the street to my doctor's office. What happened next is pretty much a blur, but let's just say that my doctor was not pleased with me wanting to wait until at least Friday until we looked into induction again. She basically was trying to have me have my baby on her schedule (as she is in the hospital today), and attempted to make me feel guilty by telling me that she has been in the hospital for the past three weekends so there was no way she would come in for me delivery. (For the record: I know how it works, and I never even expected that she would be there.) I was in tears because it seemed ridiculous to me that under no circumstances was she even taking into account what my wishes for birthing were!

Finally she relented (realizing, I hope, that she was being very mean to me!) and we settled on revisiting the issue following my fluid check on Friday.

So that's where we stand, my friends. I am only 6 days past my due date. Today I seem ok with this fact. Now that the shiva for my grandfather is over my head is much clearer. I was able to get a big chunk of work (that had been hanging over me for the week) completed. The nursery furniture is set to be delivered tomorrow morning. I have my first opportunity to relax. Let's hope the baby knows how to read the cues!

UNTITLED

2008-03-24T07:39:00.002-04:00

I can't even stand to look at my ticker.

This waiting past the due date business is sheer agony. Mental and physical.

Every night when I go to sleep I think: this could be my last baby-free night, try to get as much sleep as possible, you may not sleep for another 18 years.

Then alas, the next night comes.

This has been such an emotionally draining week with the death of my grandfather followed by the shiva. I have been pretty low-key during the whole pregnancy... I didn't really talk about it much, it was just something that was happening inside my body. This week with all the visitors around I have had so many people touch me and give me advice that I am about to go batty.

If one more person tells me how great I look for being past my due date (I feel like shit, quite frankly), or give me advice on how to bring on labour I may throttle him or her. (Oh, and to the one person who told me about her full episiotomy- fuck you.)

I've tried nipple stimulation, we've had plenty of sex, we've walked around the block several times in bitter cold weather, I have worked like a maniac in the kitchen, and have nested so much that birds are about to move in.

Oh ya, and I've tried talking very nicely to the little guy pleading with him to come out. And it appears that he isn't listening to his mama. So tell me, why would he listen to a strange who is bending down to talk him into coming out of my belly?!

Ya... I'm a little bit at the end of my rope.

The problem is that I don't really want to be induced, so I'm left in a bit of a catch-22. I have an OB appointment today. I'm interested to see if there is any action down there. Will keep you posted of course.

Just to bring this down a notch: Thank you so much for all your wishes on my grandfather's death. It means so much to me to read your comments and to have your support. You guys are all amazing.

ENDINGS AND BEGINNINGS

2008-03-20T05:20:00.003-04:00

My grandfather died on Tuesday afternoon. The funeral is today.

Today also marks the end of the 40th week of my pregnancy.

I hardly know how to post about this. I feel like I made it, and he didn't.

I can tell you about his long medical history with emphysema (thank you nicotine,) and the stay he had in the hospital 3 years ago when we all thought that was the end. (His doctors claimed he must have had some amazing will to live as he recovered miraculously after months in the ICU.) But all I keep thinking about is how, when the doctors told him in January that he had a spot on his lung and had 2-3 months to live, I have been holding my breath hoping that he would be able to meet his great-grandson that he was so excited about.

On Sunday as I was leaving his hospital room he told me he couldn't wait to meet the baby- that I had to bring him by as soon as I could. On Tuesday (when I went to visit because I was getting antsy around the house and needed a break from my work) he took his last breath while I sat half-dozing in a chair next to him.

We all knew it would be soon, but we didn't think it would be that afternoon. My grandfather was a fastidious, more determined and stubborn than anyone I have ever met. But he was also quiet and didn't like a fuss. So he must have felt like all the loose ends of his life were tied up neatly, and that he could move on. If was so peaceful that I don't think that my grandmother realized right away that he was no longer breathing.

Two memories keep swirling around my head.

The first is from the time three years ago when we thought he surly would not come home from his hospital stay. The C and I sat and laughed til we had tears rolling down our faces how hilarious it would be to name our first born "Melvin" in this day and age.

The second is more recent. When The C and I hinted at our pregnancy to my grandparents by asking what their plans were for March, my grandfather replied (out of the blue) that he was going on a cruise.

Something that I never talk about (because I would be thought of a kookier than I already am), is my hyperactive sense of intuition. I am visual, and often if I can't picture a situation, it likely won't come to pass. I also have the strangest sense of deja vu all the time. I actually wasn't shocked when I had my positive test in July. And I knew from that instant that I was carrying a little boy.

What I can't seem to wrap my head around is how our son will be named after his great-grandfather (in Hebrew, we think) who is hopefully enjoying his peaceful journey.

LAST NIGHT I HAD THE STRANGEST DREAM

2008-03-17T11:02:00.003-04:00

Ok, it was actually 2 nights ago. And it has nothing to do with an 80s song.

Oy.

I dreamt I was in the early stages of labour. But here's the oddest part about the dream: it felt real. So real that I was feeling pain very vividly. So real that when I would wake up to go to the bathroom (as I did 4 or 5 times that night) I would question whether it was a dream at all, or that perhaps I was actually going into labour. And so real that I actually went back to the dream each time I lay down again.

Each time I awoke I kept thinking about what my doula told me about early labour in the middle of the night: try to stay in bed with the lights out and get as much rest as possible because I will need it in the day that follows. So that's what I did: I returned from the bathroom, tried my best to stay calm (did not wake up my husband, I wanted him to get as much sleep as possible), and lay back down to sleep (only to continue the dream.)

In the morning I felt nothing.

Now. I have no experience with labour as we all know. I don't know what it will feel like, and that certainly scares the shit out of me. Tell me: How can I have dreamt of this so vividly? Is it at all possible that I was experiencing some (very) early contractions or false labour pains?

Whatever it was, it certainly was a mindfuck.

Because: I'm ready to have this child. Physically at least. (Mentally, even after 2 years and 8 months I don't think that I am prepared. A subject for another post entirely. One that I likely will never get to.)

People: I am no longer comfortable. I am so often told that I look "small", and am carrying so well. But I do not feel like it any more! I have enough heartburn to light my house on fire (though thankfully I am managing that with rolaids.) I get winded when doing work that requires me to stand. (And I still have al ot of work to take care of.)

Unfortunately last Thursday's OB appointment revealed that my cervix is still wonderfully high and closed. Not such great news seeing as my due date is 3 days from now. Can't something happen already?

I am so so very thankful. I am. I cannot say that enough. But you know what? It's time to move forward here, little guy!

And so I wait for yet another dream (quite literally) to come true.

THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG IN THIS UNIVERSE

2008-03-07T21:40:00.002-05:00

Natalie at Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies and her husband Den lost their little boy at 36 weeks yesterday.

I am devestated beyond words for them. I don't understand how this can happen. It is horribly wrong.

Nat and Den, I am thinking of you. Devin will always be in my heart.

DOES MY TICKER REALLY SAY 38 WEEKS?

2008-03-06T07:44:00.002-05:00

I mean, really! Sometimes I still think that pregnancy is what happens to other people. I am just so blessed to have gotten to this point.

This post is likely to be a smattering of a collection of things. Mostly because my brain can't hold a thought for longer than 30 seconds. But also because there is lots that I want to say.

**
Last week The C and I went to the Portuguese consulate to straighten out some of his paperwork before the baby is born. (Part of it was about adding me as his wife legally in their documents. We have been married for 4.5 years and been working on this process for over 2 years. It's finally done- right in time.) Now all we have to do when the baby arrives is go in and sign some documents, and voila, he'll be Portuguese. The amazing thing about this is that the last time we were at the consulate was the very day we had the IUI.

**
My OB appointment was uneventful this week. My doctor relented, and said that the ultrasound was not a necessity. Then she looked at me and said: "So I am making a note that you want as natural a birth as possible." I said "Wonderful, thank you." Of course she did add that you never know what can happen, yada yada, so I need to keep an open mind. I told her my mind is very open, that's why I want to try my all naturally before we introduce any intervention measures.

**
To continue on that point, I want to thank you all for your comments and feedback on my previous post. Your support and suggestions are always welcome and appreciated. I do just want to reiterate that in choosing to pursue a natural approach to the birth I am not eschewing the idea of drugs all together. The thing with drugs ans other interventions is that we all know that they are available to us. This to me is not something that needed research and planning. I am well aware that if I scream epidural, one is likely to arrive pronto (unless it is the middle of the night wherein only one anestheologist is on duty for the entire hospital.) What I didn't know, and therefore had to take time and effort to search out, is if I didn't want to go that route, what preparations and support I would need to look for. And, I have also done some work thinking about what it will mean to me if I do have to let my ideas for a natural birth go.

**
I had a pregnancy announcement this week. It bothered me way more than other announcement I have received in the past 5 months or so. This couple has not even been married for a year, and there is something about the woman (or I should say, girl- she is very immature) that I just don't like. I mean, that's not a reason for them not to have a child, but... I can't help but think that she got married and now is pregnant because that's "just the thing to do". I know this is irrational of me. Also, our kids will be the same age, and in the same grade at school, and I can't help but think that there will always be comparisons being made. I am not "friends" with them per se, but our parents are the best of friends (His mom is like an aunt to me, she knitted me the most beautiful baby blanket and hat. I will have to post it.) I know I'm being bitchy, but I can't seem to help it. Seeing that they are a couple who puts much emphasis on status and style (have to live in the right house in the right area and drive the right cars, etc...), The C made a very valid point: our baby was more expensive than theirs.

**
I always knew my first born would be a boy. I am not making this up. I just had this intuition. This was confirmed at our 19w anatomy scan, and solidified with the amnio results. The problem was that we only were able to think of names for girls. With boys we continuously came up empty. It is Jewish custom to name a baby after a family member who has died, and The C and I wanted to honour his 2 grandfathers. So we have been looking at names with S and J, and follow the criteria that the name is not used by another family member. As of a few weeks ago I was pretty certain that we had decided on his first name with an S and middle name with J (followed by my family name-that I go by- as a 2nd middle name, and The C's family name as the baby's family name.) Then yesterday morning, as The C was getting dressed, he said: "I'm not so sure about the J name." OY VEY. I hope we are not back to square one, because it took as so long to settle on this pair of names! And I was starting to love it. But I don't want him to relent just because he wants to make me happy (and therefore not be happy with our choice for the rest of our son's life), yet, on the other hand, ummm, I do.

We also have to choose a Hebrew name for the baby. We were discussing it lightly last week and The C said what about "S-----". The C's grandfathers, not being Jewish, do not have Hebrew names that we could use, so our slate was pretty open. I did want the Hebrew name to start with S to kind of go with his English name, and plus, this name is just so lovely. The next day my great uncle died. While we weren't that close, The C really loved spending time with him at holiday dinners, and he was always an important uncle to my father. We decided that it would be wonderful to use his Hebrew name as the baby's middle name in Hebrew. The only weird part of this is that no one seems to know exactly what his name was! Even following the funeral yesterday my aunt admitted that the name that she gave the rabbi seemed like it was the right name, but she wasn't 100% sure! I don't know, this is so bizarre to me!! How could no one have a record of his name??!!

**
While the baby could come at any time now, I figure we are looking at a week past my due date. I'm just not counting on this little one being on time. And certainly not early! Besides, as uncomfortable as I am (and, oh! I can go on and on about that, but I won't), I'm not so sure that I am ready to let him go. Without a doubt, I can't wait to meet him, to see his little nose and tiny fingers. But there is a part of me that has loved him so much from this vantage point- from his being a flickering speck on the sonogram screen to the bulbous movements that make my stomach lopsided- that I want to hold on to these moments forever. Once he is out in the world everything will be different. And I may never have the chance to experience this again.

**
Also, mama has a lot of work to get done. So please, baby... not today!

ME VS. THE OB

2008-02-26T10:24:00.002-05:00

Those of you who have been reading since the beginning know that I have strong feelings when it comes to medical treatment and intervention. Those who are new might have found that sentence amusing seeing as much medical intervention was used to get me where I am today.

Allow me to sum up my feelings in a nutshell: For many years I have been treated holistically (mostly by a homeopath) when I have been "sick". This has worked wonders for me as a person who has had persistent upper respiratory infections, allergies, and her fair share of neuroses to treat. This by no means means that I am anti-doctor, or anti-medical intervention when necessary. What it does mean is that I often question my doctors (when I see them) and do plenty of research on modern medical "technology".

There was no question about seeking the help of my RE in order to conceive. (Perhaps if I had started trying at 21 instead of 31 I may have taken a different route, but I am well aware of the time factors involved with holistic healing, especially to such a deep level as dealing with infertility.) At 10 weeks my RE released me to my OB. To him it seemed best that she follow me because of some early bleeding episodes. I was worried too, and so I (in what I feel now is a bit of a moment of weakness), chose this path of least resistance. To be completely truthful, though I may have wanted to see a midwife instead of an OB, here in Quebec they are in very high demand. One usually has to book her midwife when she starts trying to conceive, and so this was not really an option for me.

So to my OB I went. I was comfortable with the medical intervention I had had up until 12 weeks (my weekly ultrasounds). Even though I know it is not the best thing for the baby, I felt I had to compromise for my own peace of mind. I was ok with doing my integrated screen at 13 weeks, knowing that there would only be one more ultrasound to go (which would be much later at 19 weeks).

There was a blip at 20 weeks when I had my episode with my ovary twisting. I knew that the medical staff could only see what was going on by doing another ultrasound. This did not bother me as much as the shot of morphine I was offered at the height of screaming in pain. Of course I took the drugs- talk about a real sweet deal in a moment of utter weakness. I still question whether that shot was completely necessary. I know in the long run it did not harm the baby (though who will really know...). I also know that it was offered to me way too readily by the nurse, probably to make her feel better about me screaming in pain. The pain never came back... This leads me to believe that if I had just ridden out that last bout of pain I would not have had to introduce drugs into my system.

Perhaps many of you are rolling your eyes at this point thinking: what's the big deal. Well to ME it WAS big. It`s pretty much informed the rest of my pregnancy.

So here we are at the end of the journey. I am finding I have to make more decisions now that I have had to in the last 37 weeks combined. The reason: birthing a new human being into this world.

I have no choice but to give birth in the hospital because I have been followed by an OB. Thank goodness I have a wonderful doula lined up, because I can't imagine walking into the hospital with my teeny tiny bit of labour knowledge. Unfortunately, I am finding that choices that I want for my birthing and the first days of my baby's life are being met with resistance from my OB because they are not conventional.

Let us examine for a moment....

Exhibit A: My OB wants me to have another ultrasound to see the size of the baby. She expressed some concern because some overweight women have large babies.

Me vs. the OB: I have already committed to not having further scans. My OB thought I was immediately wacked because who would give up a chance to see her baby?? Also, the point of this scan would be to determine whether or not a c-section would be recommended. There have been studies AT THIS VERY HOSPITAL that show that 100% of the women who were recommended to have a c-section, but who chose to try vaginally first actually succeeded in their vaginal deliver (more pointedly: NONE required a c-section.) Furthermore, while my doctor may be concerned that I am large, and therefore my baby may be large, if she looked at my weight gain (only 10 pounds) and my fundal height (measuring slightly low), she could pretty much ascertain that there is no 10 pound baby Buddha growing inside me.

Exhibit B: My OB told me that I may test positive for Strep-B, as one of my urine test results earlier in the pregnancy showed traces of it.

Me vs. the OB: I do not want myself or my baby treated for this unless it is absolutely necessary. There are 2 reasons for this: primarily, I do not want to introduce unnecessary antibiotics into my own body (that will then be transferred to the baby), and second, I do not want to be attached to an IV if at all possible. I am not going to delve into the stats on this one, but let me say a few things. The only way Strep-B can be passed to the baby is if he aspirates on some fluid during birth. First of all, aspiration on fluid is very rare; second, contracting Strep-B from this fluid is even rarer; third, having a complication as a result of this is even further removed. When faced with the question from my OB "why would you want to take a chance and put your baby in DANGER?" I am left to reply ì truly don`t feel that my son is in danger.

In case you guys think I'm a nutbar with this one, allow me to calm you with these few things... First, I pretty much instantly started a homeopathic and vitamin regime to eliminate the Strep-B. Second, as I have previously stated, I ok with intervention if necessary. So if the baby aspirated on birth, I would probably not decline an antibiotic injection for him (which would be the same thing he would get if I was hooked up to an IV throughout the entire delivery... but we would know at this point that it was indeed needed.) And finally, let me share this with you: my swab test came back negative. I don't have Step-B after all.

Exhibit C: I asked the OB whether she needed to mark in my chart that I did not want the baby to receive any eye drops when he has his post-birth checkup in the nursery.

Me vs. the OB: Basically she said that no, this was not something that would go in my chart, as it has to do with the baby post-birth, and not with me. And then she stated that she believed that this was an issue that was non-negotiable. I corrected her and told her that indeed it is negotiable, I just had to sign the appropriate document. In any case: since when did treatment in a hospital become non-optional? And since when did the parents of a child not have the right to make the decision about what they thought was best for their child? Further more, just to make it clear: the purpose of these antibiotic drops is to treat the baby in case the mother has gonorrhea or chlamydia- 2 STDs that can cause eye issues and blindness at birth. Again, allow me to assure you: I do not, nor have ever has either of these.

Exhibit C: All my questioning obviously ruffled a few feathers... At one point my OB stated: "I didn't know you had a medical degree, and with a specialization in obstetrics!"

Me vs. the OB: It is my right to be informed about what is going on with me and my child. I refuse to apologize for asking questions regarding things that I am concerned about, even if they are the very things that modern medicine is built upon.

Exhibit D: Finally my OB says: "Let me guess, you're not going to vaccinate the baby?" (shaking her head slightly)

Me vs. the OB and pretty much the rest of the medical world: That's what I'm leaning towards. And man, it's going to be a long 18 years.

It's about time I made some conclusion to this post/rant. If I sound a bit defensive, I suppose I am. These instances, along with some situations that my doula has warned me may arise while birthing my baby, have really left me with a sour taste.

Yes, you guessed it: I am going to try my best at a natural vaginal birth. I don't have a birth plan that has more detail than that because I know things can change in an instant. The one thing I am completely committed to is having an open mind. What I don't like is people telling me that they know what is best for me and my baby, and telling me that I should ignore all my natural impulses.

I'm sure I'll write more about my feelings, fears, and hopes for birth in another post. I can hardly believe that it's so close!

B MINUS 6 WEEKS

2008-02-08T15:22:00.000-05:00

I did have great plans for journaling my entire pregnancy. But alas... It seems it has just gone and happened. Slipped right through my fingers. Not that I'm taking it for granted. I try to treasure every second (no joke), but writing about it has been hard for me.

Especially in the past couple of weeks with all the loss that has been running around. Some days I just sat and cried as I read blogs. And then I felt that posting here about my own pregnancy seemed all gloat-y somehow. I know- it's my blog and I can post about me, and I shouldn't feel guilty, etc- but that's just my point: I dodn't feel right talking about me.

It has taken me so long to sit down and actually click compose because I feel there are no words that I can give to adequately show my sympathy to these women who have gone through so much only to lose what they have worked for. Simply no words. In situations like these I find myself saying "I'm sorry" and "I love you", and I hope and pray that the words convey enough.

******

Perhaps turniong to talking about how the baby is due in six weeks (and, please, not a minute more!) is not the best accompanyment to my thoughts above, but I am here, and I am writing, so I am trying to take advantage!

There is so much to say, I'm going to take a step back and list off some things. If anything is of interest to you, please feel free to comment.

- I did my 1hour glucose test about 5 weeks ago. The test wasn't that bad- the drink tasted like orange crush. It was more a pain in the ass having to fast, do all the blood draws and sit around for an hour. About 45 minuts through I realized I felt like shit. And pretty much felt that way the whole day. No surprise (because I was feeling so crappy, I felt the effects on my body): it came back positive. So I was sent for a 2 hour test. Which was an even bigger, longer pain in the ass, and which did not leave me feeling crappy. It was negative (by a long shot). So my doctor was happy, and I can continue to eat all the carbs I want.

- Which leads well into talking about my weight gain. Up until about 28 weeks I was happy to announce to the world that I had only gained 2 pounds so far in the pregnancy. At 32 weeks I was up 4 more. This week (at 34 weeks) I was up FOUR POUNDS IN TWO WEEKS. High holy hell! Look, I know that 10 pounds so far is not that much weight to gain. I know a lot of you guys have gained a lot more. But let me be honest here: I started out pretty high in the weight area, folks. Someone with my BMI "should" (and I quote that very loosely) gain 15 pounds in her pregnancy. So I was kind of aiming for that. I figured that from 32 weeks, at a pound a week I would be sailing smoothly. But, eeks... if I continue at 2 pounds a week for the next 6 weeks-yowzers.

- Which is not to say that I am complaining about the possibility that I am gaining more than "they" say I "should" (really, who are they, and when have I ever done what I should?!), I am just a bit concerned about how my body is going to handle carrying around these 12 more pounds that are going to pack on in such a short period of time. Already sleeping has become an activity of Olympic proportions (or should I say: moving in bed is), and I am having such pressure in my pelvis that sometimes makes taking 2 consecutive steps unbearable.

- And so I find myself waddling, people. WAH-DUL-ING. Not a pretty sight. It's weird. And embarassing. And friends and family think it's so cute. But: it's not. Ugh, I am annoying myself, I will stop talking about this. (Mental picture of me waddling, please go away!)

- A nicer (who else hates the word nice?) thought: the baby's room is all painted. It's gorgeous, and it's exactly what I always pictured. You want to see a picture? Maybe next time.

- We also have purchased most of our baby items, though the big stuff is on order and won't arrive for at least a couple of weeks. Which is ok with me: I'm not sure I am ready to handle an all set-up baby room. After 3 years of looking at this room (we called it the little room, and it was mostly filled with our overflowing stuff), it's hard to believe that we are going to use it for our baby.

- But maybe we won't use the room for a bit... We are still up in the air on co-sleeping. The C is leaving the decision up to me, and I go back and forth daily. I know that we can't have the baby sleep with us in our bed (it just won't work with our sleep style- it's not a jugement that I am making on people who DO choose this route), but I'm not sure whether to purchase a co-sleeper (or bassinet). Is it worth the money for just a few months? After which may be a difficult transition to the crib? I JUST DON'T KNOW. (Help? but not in an assvicey way, please!)

- So: I'm talking like there's gonna a be a baby in the house, eh? That would mean the baby will have to come out of me. I was ok with this thought through most of the pregnancy, but now that the reality is looming, it's starting to freak me out. I know... there is nothing I can do about it now. But I keep imagining worst case scenarios. I can't help it. Though I do feel more confident knowing that we have a fine doula on board. SO far I think that is the best choice we have made since choosing our clinic.

- And though right this moment (I italicize taht because, well, this feeling may chnage in the next hour) I am not concerned about how to take care of the baby (I have lots of guidance, and I know we will figure out what works best for us by trial and error), I am concened about a pediatrician and about vaccinations. Don't fret- we DO have a pediatrician lined up to see the baby. But I am really nervous about telling the pedi that I do not want to vaccinate my child (at least for the time being.) (Again-this is something that has taken me tons of research and time to decide, and it's good for me. I don't judge you, and I expect that you won't judge me.) The problem here is that there aren't any pediatricians that fit the following criteria: in my area, associated with the children's hospital, and ok with not vaccinating infants. So I know I will have a fight on my hands, and it's causing me some level of anxiety.

Alright... this is what happens when I don't post for so long- I have manual diarrhea. (nice image, you're welcome.) And so I sign off. And promise to try to be here before another month passes.

MY MID-SECTION

2008-01-15T07:34:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had mid-section pains.

Like lots of gas. Nothing to do with the baby (other than perhaps he was helping the gas to form by squishing my innards.)

I called my husband in extreme pain and moaned "I have a stomach ache..."

Don't worry, the pains are gone. Some TLC from The C, light eating, lots of fluids, some rolaids and lots of farting seemed to do the trick. This morning I feel fine.

But something else struck as funny about this painful interlude: my mid-section had made the transition from stomach to belly without me even noticing it. In fact, I didn't even realize until I was forced to be more specific about an area in my middle. ("No, no, it's not the baby. It's my stomach, the organ where the food goes!") It seemed that I was using the word stomach for the first time in months.

Belly... It's such an odd word. But kinda cute- just like babies. It's funny that now that there is a baby in there we use a babyish word to describe it.

Also odd about the belly is that finally at 30 weeks mine is apparent. I am no longer looking fatter than normal. I actually look pregnant. (As in: my mid-section protrudes further than my triple-D boobs.) I am starting to feel heavy. I have pelvic pain and stretch marks, have trouble rolling over in bed at night, and can see my belly button lap scar which has been hidden in my innie for 15 years. But I also see evidence of my little boy growing, and I am in constant awe.

However, while all is amazing inside my belly, I feel bad looking pregnant out in the world at large. Everywhere I go I find myself praying that my belly isn't hurting anyone. I know that pain all too well...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

2007-12-26T16:48:00.000-05:00

Today I am 33. I am happy and healthy and have the one wish I have wished for for the past 2 years. I'm not sure it would be right to ask for anything more.

I just reread my post-holiday and -birthday post from last year. It amazes me how much can change in a year. (This point was also driven hope when I read through this year's archives in search for a post for Mel's Creme de la Creme.) Words really can't describe how fortunate I feel today.

This feeling of, well, feeling good can explain my lack of posting as of late. It's just that after all this time of feeling like frozen shit on a stick I actually feel fine. My fears, worries and neuroses of the first 20 weeks of this pregnancy were all very real, and, to some degree, unbelievably debilitating. But the past 8 weeks have been uneventfully wonderful. Our baby is growing and seems healthy, and after missing the pleasures of the first half of my pregnancy I am now trying to enjoy every moment.

And so I find myself at a loss... I am used to blogging about being a bitter infertile, and subsequently about being frightened barely pregnant woman with a disease carrying a high rate of miscarriage. This blog is that of an infertile (which I will always be), and so it feels strange to just jump into issues that are now on my mind. Believe you me, I have plenty to discuss.

Most of what I think about deals with bringing home a real live baby boy in less than three months. Because, finally, I actually believe that's what's going to happen come March. I'm just having trouble reconciling writing about labour ideas, vaccination worries and breastfeeding fears in the same place where I bawled about the possibilities of pehaps never even getting the opportunity to do so.

I'm not sure how this space will evolve. I'm sure I will lose some of you, and I truly understand (and miss you dearly). Please know that I still visit you all.

It's not that I feel guilty about being here... I just wish more than anything that every single one of you was here with me. I guess that's my birthday wish.

I am so lucky to have met you all.

MY BABY AND MY HUSBAND

2007-12-02T13:15:00.000-05:00

The first time I felt the baby move was at about 18 and a half weeks. While I was anxious to feel movement I didn't actually expect it to happen that early as I'm a woman with more than a bit of extra padding. But nonetheless, there I was sitting in the movie Across the Universe with my husband and part way though there was this feeling in my belly. I let out a small gasp in shock, and proceeded to try to expel a fart (nice image, but it's true!). When I couldn't I knew the feeling wasn't gas, and was most certainly my growing, moving baby. Miraculously I was able to wait to till the end of the movie to let my husband in on this special news.

(Let's just note that The Beatles are my fave. Really. I grew up listening to them, and their music makes me so happy. I love every song and have every album. In my mind, no music can even compare. So it's amazing to me that my baby gave me his first nudge while I was watching/listening to a movie set to Beatles tunes. This coincidence actually almost solidifies our lean to using a a name featured in a Beatles song. But I digress.)

After that first sign of movement I probably didn't feel anything for a few days. And then a few days after that. Progressively I felt him daily, and then sometimes even a few times a day. Each time brought a smile to my face. It was like my little secret.

It's true-explaining how the movement felt is very tricky. I couldn't seem to put it into words. It's like a little fish blowing bubbles in my belly. Like tiny little pops. Like the coloured stuff that moves around a lava lamp.

The first time I felt the baby move from the outside was a shock. I wasn't even trying to feel him. I was just lying and reading with my hand resting on my stomach. And then suddenly: blooop. I nearly jumped to the ceiling. Again it was a complete surprise because I didn't know that I would be able to feel the movement from the outside so soon. Couple that with my belly fat and I pretty much thought it would be somewhere near the end of the pregnancy!

The C was excited by this development, but sadly over the following days the baby did not want to cooperate with him. And then one night I grabbed his hand fast and smushed it against my belly. The baby moved and The C was so startled.

"OMG, you felt that!" I said.
"Oh come on, that was just you hiccuping!" he insisted.
"No really, that was the baby."
"Really?"
"Really!"
"I just felt our baby?!"
"Yes, that was him alright."

"Wow. This is so unbelievably real to me now. I can't believe this is inside you! It's really happening!!"

It is amazing that it took my husband more than 20 weeks to truly be able to feel that we are going to have a baby. Earlier on in the pregnancy when I wanted him to talk to my belly he obliged, but he thought I was nuts. Now he can feel what he talking to and he is so excited. I usually grab his hand when the baby gets active and let him enjoy the little kicks, punches and somersaults. While each time is thrilling, I have always had to alert him of an active time to come feel.

Last night in a mostly awake state I spooned my husband. (Spooning is pushing it a bit... I more or less put my belly to his back and threw my arm as far around his waist as it would go- thanks to the growing belly.) I was lying there trying to be comfortable and wish myself back to sleep as the baby twirled and whirled inside. And then BAM big kick. Right to my husband's back.

The C instantly flew around. "The baby just kicked me!" I was as stunned as he was! Though I felt the baby move, I had no idea that my sleeping husband would feel it. My husband thought that surely it was a special kick just for him. The baby surely wanted to let him know right then and there he was awake and kickin'. And The C was thrilled to be made aware.

Right then, in middle of the night, I realized that I have never loved 2 people more in my entire life.

I'M HERE, I'M HERE

2007-11-16T07:03:00.000-05:00

Just been a bit busy, is all.

I was working on a job that I had put off all month (finally getting some work to the client yesterday). Plus I have a trade show to prepare for this weekend. I'll let you know how I get through that. It ain't gonna be easy.

I am also in the midst of writing a post that is a little more positive that I usually am. Lest you guys think I am a horrible, paranoid, crazy pregnant lady. It's been a bit harder to put together...

On the great news front my results of the amnio came in (3.5 weeks later- and they said they were rushing it!). Everything looks fine. It's all ok. I can go back to researching frivilous things like onesies and bedding. Statistics: today I give you a kick in the balls.

PLEASE VISIT...

2007-11-05T07:44:00.000-05:00

1- Please go over and support Ann, who is having to make some really hard decisions. No one should have to go through what she and M are faced with. Especially since they worked so hard to get there... It just makes me cry with unfairness even tinking about it.

2- Give give Mel at Stirrup Queens a read, and then go vote for her: she's a 2007 Weblog Awards Finalist in the Medical/Health Issues category. It's just a few very easy clicks. Her blog is the mother of all IF blogs. vote her and vote for IF awareness.

Sometime soon: I will be here to discuss that maybe, just maybe there is joy in pregnancy.

THE DRAMA NEVER ENDS

2007-11-01T18:22:00.000-04:00

I was going to post about how calm I was feeling. I was also going to post aboout having my first meeting with my doula, and how great that was, and how thrilled I am that I have her as support.

But then yesterday morning I started having cramping pains on my left side while sitting at the computer. I figured I wasn't in a good position, so I went to relax in a comfy chair and watch some tv. (Thank goodness I work at home!) It just got worse, and I started to panic so I called my mother and my husband (recap: my husband works with my parents), and they told me to lie down. After a while of lying down I felt better, so I got up and went about some normal activities at home. About an hour and a half later it was back worse than before. Lying down didn't help.

I decided, finally, that I should call my doctor. Of course her office was closed, but her message said to call the birthing centre if you were pregnant and had and emergency. I still was waffling on whether or not this was an emergency, but the pain was worsening, and I could barely breathe. So I decided to call. The nurse was calm and patient, and told me that I sounded bad, and she would not know what was wrong unless I came in.

So my husband rushed home to take me to the hospital. I could barely stand up by the time we got to the nurse's station I could barely stand. They got me to a room, I changed, and they didn't waste any time. First thing they did was look for the baby's heartbeat. It was instantly there, and we were so relieved. But I was still in pain. Over the next little while the pain lessened, and the staff and doctors (it's a teaching hospital so there are tons of people around) could barely believe that I was the same person who walked in. It almost seemed ridiculous that I was there, but they were running tests and needed me to stay.

Soon the pain started coming back, and I was practically screaming in agony. Several nurses tried to put in an IV with no luck, which added to my pain. The doctor strongly recommended a shot of morphine, and I went with it because oh my god the pain had to stop.

And it did. And so far thankfully it hasn't come back (it's 24 hours later.)

After 2 ultrasounds, countless blood tests and urine tests, 4 botched IV attempts (the 5th went in but caused lots of pain and discomfort the whole time I had it in), they still don't know for certain what caused the pain. They surmise it was my ovary twisting, and then untwisting by itself (which is why they didn't see anything on the scans that they did). I stayed the night (my first ever in the hospital), and the discharged me. They let me know that perhaps I might have a UTI, but I think not. It was also the diagnosis that they gave to the two other women that came in in the evening (they were sent home, so I was alone in the room for the night.)

I am home and feeling ok. At least I learned a few things from this experience:

1- The labour and delivery area is quite pleasant, and the nurses are amazing.
2- If at all possible I would like to avaoid having an IV put in when I'm giving birth
3- The pain I had was pretty intense. If labour is like that then I'm gonna be alright. If it's worse, man I don't even want to think about that!!

Happy 20 weeks to me and my baby. I hope the next 20 are much less eventful.

IT’S A...

2007-10-23T19:14:00.000-04:00

Before we get to that, there’s tons more to talk about.

First on the agenda: You Wonderful Folks.
Your support over the past couple of days has been unbelievable. I know I have said it countless times already, but I don’t know what I would do without you guys. It means so much to me that you are here for me- to lend a comforting word or some really thoughtful advice. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Point number two: Yesterday’s OB Appointment
Putting it all into perspective, if we eliminate the stress of the screen results, yesterday’s appointment was pretty standard and uneventful. Wait for eons, go into exam room, wait for a bit longer (but be thankful that I am not sitting there naked but for a sheet of paper), doctor enters, listens to beautiful heartbeat, the end.

So we got all that (oh, the wonderful heartbeat and movement sounds of our baby!!), plus a discussion of our screen results, which included some straight talk from the doctor.

And alas, third of all: The Decisions
I know I sounded pretty adamant in my last post about no further testing. Over the next day or so, I started to rethink my position. Your comments and email exchanges were really helpful in showing me various points of view. I began to understand something that I previously hadn’t thought about (until now I really had hoped I would never have to think about any of this…): I certainly wouldn’t love my baby less if he was born with Down’s, but it would be in my and his best interest to know and be prepared upon his birth.

This, coupled with our OB pointing out to us that the risk of miscarrying due to having the amnio was actually higher than our risk of Down’s started to make the picture very clear. Plus, our OB noted, the rate of miscarriage from amnio of the particular doctor who would be performing the test was actually in the range of 1/2000 to 1/3000. The doctor was able to fit us in this morning (moving our ultrasound up one week.) Our doctor also told us that we still had the evening to think about it some more: upon arrival at the ultrasound clinic we could inform them that we were just going to have the ultrasound and not the amnio.

Par for the course, I didn’t sleep all night. Though my husband and I had made up our minds, the thought of doing the procedure, and the possibility of miscarrying was weighing on me heavily. The way I have written it makes it seem like the process was straight-forward. In truth, the last 5 days have been a special sort of hell reminiscent of my years dealing with infertility. In the end (and I am saying this now, no matter what happens), I know that we made the decision that was best for us.

I won’t go into details about the procedure this morning- it’s something I would sooner rather forget (not so much due to the pain, but for the emotional upheaval.) I haven’t had any bleeding, fluid leaking, or strong cramps. I am feeling confident at this later time of the day that nothing bad is going to happen. Now we just have to sit tight for the results which won’t be available for another 2-4 weeks. Results which won’t change how much I love my baby, but will redirect my prenatal research from strollers and cloth diapers to, well, other more important things.

As for the actual ultrasound? Our sweet baby was a beautiful as ever: moving, waving, breathing and hiccupping. Everything measured perfectly; we saw his little bones growing, his 4 heart chambers and his brain hemispheres. The C also saw signs that he is already a fan of is soccer (er, football) team, Porto.

You may have noticed over the weeks that I have always used “him”, “he”, and “his” in a generic sort of way. Today we saw for sure. We will be painting our little room navy and lime, and my mother is already planning the bris. You all, of course, are invited.

And last: Thank you to my wonderful C. Your love and support are never ending, and for this I am eternally grateful. I know I couldn’t have made it through the past few days without you.

(Please, if you know me IRL, keep all this info to yourself. We don’t think that we are going to tell many people.)

THE WORNG SIDE OF STATISTICS

2007-10-19T10:32:00.000-04:00

It's interesting how most days start out the same way, and progress in the same manner, and then you go to sleep and start all over again. And then every once in a while something happens that stops this cycle short.

I received a phone call from my OB yesterday afternoon. It sent me into a tizzy.

Let's rewind a bit and have a look at some statistics. (Disclaimer: Some numbers may be a bit off- I am not a medical journal- so don't quote me on them.)

First things first: 1/6 of couples suffer from infertility. That's 16.7% of the population. Of those 40% are female related, 40% male related and 20% unexplained. My husband and I are lucky, we are both affected (though he much milder than I).

It's no secret: I suffer from PCOS. With pretty much all the symptoms. It is estimated that somewhere between 5%-30% of the female population exhibits symptoms of PCOS. From this group, about a third of women are annovulatory. Let's be generous and call that 10%. That's me.

The first course of treatment for an annovulatory woman who wishes to become pregnant is the prescription of Clomid. 80% of the women who take this route ovulate and conceive. I'm in the 20% that didn't.

If y'all are following along you will see that I fall into a 2% group of the population. Pretty slim chances of being affected the way that I am, but still, here I am living proof...

In July I finally fell on the right side of statistics when I became pregnant after my 5th cycle of Femara coupled with injectible gonadotropins, and coupled with an IUI (to help my husband's sperm along.) At my clinic the pregnancy rates after 5 cycles is just under 80%. For once I didn't fall into the unfortunate group.

I pretty much thought I had left all the bad stats behind.

Until yesterday's call.

My OB called to tell me that my Integrated Prenatal Screening came back positive for downs syndrome. She broke it down and put it all into perspective for me:
Chance of downs based on my age (32): 1/466
Cut off for a negative result in this range: 1/200 to 1/270
My result: 1/183

I stayed calm by grabbing my notepad and jotting down all the information. I tried to stay focused as words like genetic counselling and amniocentesis and termination were thrown at me.

I realized that there was silence on the phone. "Oh," I said, startled, "you want me to say something..."

I told my doctor that termination was not an option for my husband and I and our baby. So genetic counselling and the amnio were moot. My husband and I had discussed this previously as a "what if" scenario that we thought we would never have to entertain. Our baby is much loved now, and however he or she might be born.

The problem is that I am not the type to stop worrying about something just because it's out of my control. I am very concerned about the test results, and just can't stop thinking about the what ifs. I'm not sure that if I hadn't battled with IF that I would be concerned like this. After all, 1/183 is just slightly more than 0.5%. But one thing that lingers with me as I struggle (still!)to come to terms with my infertility is my ability to continuously fall on the wrong side of statistics.

(PS: Thanks Flygirl.)

THINGS OF MINOR NOTE

2007-10-15T09:34:00.000-04:00

Or: Things of no note whatsoever

It is safe to say that the following are currently not occurring:

-Any sort of visible baby belly, though when I lie flat on my back I can certainly feel something hard going on. It just seems that there is too much "padding" covering any would-be bump.

- Weight gain of any amount. As a matter of fact I have lost weight for the first time in two years since starting down the slippery slope of IF treatments. I have read that for someone of my, er, size, it is best to gain less than 15 pounds during pregnancy, and ideally no weight at all, though I fail to see how that can be possible. Therefore there has been no shopping of maternity wear. My current wardrobe may take me well into February at this rate.

-Movement of said baby that is supposed to be within said non-expanding stomach. (Though to be truthful, I thought I might have felt something while watching All Across the Universe the other night. And then maybe something the following day. And then yesterday I had too much gas, so I wasn't even going to try to distinguish between what may be movement, and what was definite stomach/intestine happenings. You're welcome for that image.) (Oh, and go see the movie, it was wonderful.)

-Sleep of any notable duration. I have to pee too often during the night. And last night I felt very uncomfortable. Even though, as mentioned, there is no belly to speak of, I felt really heavy. And so I find myself exhausted throughout the day.

-Nausea of any sort. Thank the lord that has passed (as mild as it was.) I still have major food aversions, as well as cravings for foods I previously have been less than enamoured by. I know this is normal, but still so weird.

Now, it is also safe to say that the following non-pregnancy-related things are occurred or are occurring this morning:

-Commencement on the demolition of my basement. Which will lead to the remodel of it. (Which is actually pregnancy related, because as gross as the basement was when we moved into our house three years ago we said we would wait to make it into the perfect playroom when the time came. Alas, the time is here.)

-The stealing of the licence plate off of my car parked in my driveway. Yes you read that right. Actually, the car is registered to my mother, and so I was up and at the police station reporting this "crime" at the crack of dawn. My mother is very concerned that the plate is going to be used in some criminal act and that she will get hauled off to jail. Later I have to go get a new plate (cuz right now I'm too busy blogging.)

-Drew Carey is making his debut on the Price is Right today. Are we all not whooping with excitement? Really I am! I can't wait to see the great sets that have been made for this new era in game shows!

Ok, I warned you these were items of minor note. Now back to your days.

THE PASSING OF TIME

2007-10-10T07:24:00.000-04:00

I am having a bit of trouble dealing with the concept of time these days. I'm not quite sure if it's passing too slow or too fast.

It struck me yesterday: Thanksgiving Day. It was October and I found myself wearing a jacket, scarf and socks. But how could it be October? It was just July yesterday! To the infertile the passing of months and seasons is always significant. We look back: last October I was just meeting my RE. We look forward: next Thanksgiving please let me have a real live baby in my arms.

It seems almost unreal that it has been a year since meeting our RE. Our conception struggles extend further back than last year, but our first appointment at the clinic made it all very real. From the point of starting treatment at the clinic our life became broken down down into smaller increments. Time wasn't measured in hours and days and months, but in cycles and injections and ultrasounds. And, of course, in two-week-waits. (Though this term includes the word "weeks" and is indeed a period of 14 days, the two week wait is very much its own special calculation of time.)

And so life passed in time I measured between appointments with the wand, by counting bruises on my belly, and with the arrival of my period. Yes, it could have been the 7th day of Chanukah, but to me it was the day my period arrived after my first injectible cycle. And it may have been Valentine's Day, but more importantly it was CD 16, the day I was to trigger.

And then one day (not a Tuesday, but a 12do) I peed on a stick and the second line appeared. And so began a time that is passing quite unlike any I have ever known.

My anxiety and neuroses punctuated the first 9 or so weeks of pregnancy. Time was still measured in ultrasound increments, which were done weekly. Thankfully time also signified growth of the fetus. But seeing the growth only kept me happy for a day or so, and then it was back on the roller coaster of terror until the next appointment.

Somewhere around week 12 I finally started chill. The days that were previously lasting like eons seemed more like, well, days. I went on vacation and the baby was still alive. I had my NT scan and everything looked good. Each day without spotting seemed like a monumental occasion. I heard the baby's heartbeat at my 13 week OB appointment. Sure as time was telling, all seemed to be fine.

A couple of weeks ago I felt another interesting change. Could it be that time was moving way too fast? It occurred to me that throughout my first trimester I was wishing this to be a speedy pregnancy because I wanted to be rid of all the fear and worry. At that moment I realized two important things. One, that this might be my only shot at pregnancy, so I should really savour each moment (even as unsavoury as some moments are!) And two, that my life is going to change in such a drastic way in 6 (short) months so I should really take time to enjoy them.

I'd say that for a week I was pretty hunky dory (how awful an expression is that??!). The infertile in me would never let me become smug pregnant woman, but a certain excitement overcame me. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I was announcing my pregnancy from the rooftops or anything. But I was feeling quietly at ease.

Enter week 16. I realize that although I am measuring my time in weeks, the time increment that matters most now is time between OB appointments. Today I am 3 weeks and 3 days past my last one, and one week and 4 days until the next. Here-in lies the problem: time is being a bitch. As much as I want to enjoy, I need my appointment now.

As well as I thought I was doing, I realized that this has been the longest period of time I have gone without hearing a sign of life from my baby. I am ashamed to say it, but the old paranoia is settling back in. I know deep down that I very well may be crazy. But that doesn't stop my head from spinning with dead baby thoughts.

You see, it seems to me that nothing much is happening. I know that I am well into my second trimester, and all is supposed to be great, but I fear that it's not. Being sick the past couple of weeks has drained me of my energy. Time pretty much is standing still. All the things I am supposed to be experiencing now: nada. No cute baby bump, no clothes that don't fit, no flutter of movement, and certainly no energy spurt. All this adds up to only one thing in my mind... And, really, what if it's that? I mean, what if...

Oy, if you have made it this far, I give you much credit. Ramble, ramble, complain, complain. These thoughts have been swirling in my head for days and they just needed to get out. I’ll keep you posted on whether or not this has been cathartic.

In the meantime, I reward you with some Canadian Thanksgiving photos. Proof that even if time is standing still for me right now, the world keeps turning.

PEOPLE SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS

2007-10-02T10:02:00.000-04:00

It’s been a tough couple of weeks. Apparently being sick and pregnant concurrently does not agree with me. After innumerable boxes of Kleenex (my husband says he should buy shares in the company), countless coughing fits, and a migraine that just about made me want to cut my head off yesterday, it seems that I may finally be on the mend.

So let us return to our regularly scheduled program.

I promised the reactions to my pregnancy… and I shall deliver. The comments run the gamut from thoughtful and supportive to what the fuck. I will try not to editorialize so that you can draw your own conclusions…

Without further ado:

Friend 1
The C and I are out for Chinese with F1. Our fortune cookies come:
Me (cracking open cookie and reading): You will have a baby in March
F1 (looking a bit horrified, because that’s a pretty evil fortune for her infertile friend): Oh, well…
Me: Well what?
F1: Well… that’s not even possible… (feeling really bad about having this conversation, wondering perhaps if I am enjoying this torture)
Me: Why not?
F1: Because that would mean that you would have to be… OH MY GOD!

***

Friend 1 (a few minutes later)
F1: This is great, now I can talk to you about all the pregnant people we know!

***

Friend 2
Phone rings at midnight (I go to bed around 10, and the world knows this.)
Me (looks at call display and freaks out because WTF is F2 doing calling me at this hour?!) Hi, is everything ok?
F2: Yes, of course it is! I just read your blog!!
Me: Oh ya?
F2: Ya! I’m so excited! You’re pregnant! I’m crying!
Me (waking up a bit): YOU are CRYING??!! (Note: F2 is the least emotional person in the world- no exaggeration.)
F2: Well, this is just so great!
Me: Well ummm… I’m happy you’re excited!
(Having posted about the positive pee stick seconds after it occurred, I wasn’t prepared for reactions from people IRL… this conversation was so surreal on many levels.)

***

My Parents
They know something is up- they were aware of our IUI, and also seemed to be aware that we hadn’t started another round of treatments. We invite them over for dinner, and draw the whole ordeal out. They are about to leave, and The C tells them they should have a seat in the living room.
The C: We have some news.
Parents: (expectant looks on their faces)
The C: We’re pregnant.
My father: Well we were wondering when you were going to tell us.

***

The C’s Parents
I ask him to call them in advance of their visit here as I wanted them to know that I was on modified bed rest. I am ever-paranoid about my mother-in-law thinking that I’m lazy.
The C (after many minutes of pleasantries): So, we’re pregnant
MIL: (something to the tune of) That’s nice. (In Portuguese, and I don’t speak much Portuguese.)
End of conversation.

***

The C’s Parents (A few days later, they are here to visit)
Me: Ola! (That’s Hello! in Portuguese)
Them: Ola!
(I know I said that I wouldn’t editorialize, but really, that was the extent of our conversation. I understand my in-laws don’t speak much English, and I even less Portuguese, but I assure you that I know the Portuguese word for congratulations.)

***

The C's Sister and Her Husband and their teenage kids
We have made the 6 hour car ride to visit them, and we are excited to tell them our news. Minutes prior to our visit The C’s parents inform us that even though we asked them not to tell anyone about the pregnancy, that (surprise to me!) they were so excited that they couldn’t wait and have told SIL and BIL and the kids.
Us (following lunch): We have some news!
SIL: Oh, yes. Mom and Dad told us weeks ago.
Crickets and tumbleweed…
End of conversation.

***

My Grandparents
(Who are a little hard of hearing)
The C: So what are you guys doing in March?
My Grandmother doesn’t even hear the question
My Grandfather: I was thinking of going on a cruise.
(He’s 83 and can’t travel)
The C: Oh ya? To where? England? (My grandfather loves to tell the story of his trip over to England when he was in the Air Force during WWII)
My Grandfather: Oh! That seems like a good idea, I hadn’t thought of there
My Grandmother: Who’s going on a cruise?
Me: Ok, we are getting a bit off topic here…
The C: Right. Ok, seriously what are your plans for March?
My Grandfather: I told you, I’m going on a cruise.
The C (thinking: crazy old man): Well you might have to cancel it to go to a bris or baby naming.
My Grandfather: Oh! That’s great news! Oh wow! Another March birthday! Mazel Tov!
Minutes pass…
My Grandmother: Who’s making a bris?
The C and I: Well we might in March
My Grandmother (jumping up to hug us): Oh! Mazel Tov! Oh what great news! Oh! I’m crying!!
And a bit later… My Grandmother: So what was all that about a cruise?

***

The C’s old friend and his wife
The C: We’re pregnant!
Wife: Oh wonderful! Congratulations! That’s such great news! How are you feeling?
Old Friend: Congratulations! We had a bet going, and I win!

***

The C's Old Friend (later in the evening)
OF: You know, I was just talking to my sister the other day, and we were wondering if the reason you guys didn’t have kids yet was because they cut off a bit too much when you had the ol’ snip snip done.
(The “ol’ snip snip" refers to The C’s circumcision he had done when he converted to Judaism 5 years ago.)

***

Niece 1 (10 years old, but with the soul of an old lady)
After hearing my father tell his aunt and uncle the news at Rosh Hashana
N1 (to my mother): Ms. C’s going to have a baby?
My mother: Yes! Isn’t that exciting?
N1: I guess so…
N1: J (her uncle on the other side’s girlfriend) had a baby in her belly and the baby died. It was really little (shows size with her hands).
My mother: Well, that won’t happen to Ms. C’s baby, we hope.
N1 (still looks worried… a child after my own heart indeed.)

***

Niece 2 (9 years old)
N2: Hey, when is the baby going to come out of your belly?
Me: In March. Maybe on Niece 1’s birthday!
N2: I want it to be born in September, on MY birthday.
Me: Well maybe the next baby.
N2: No! I want THIS ONE on my birthday.
Me: …

***

So there you have it. At this point so many people know that I have lost track. There are the reactions that stick out most in my memory. Now I want to know what you think of the reactions! I know you guys will have yoour own editorials- do not let me down!

SICK, BUT OTHERWISE OK

2007-09-20T16:36:00.000-04:00

There is always so much that I want to post about. I feel like I am losing my grasp on journaling this experience.

But today I am sick. It came on from nowhere (other than since my positive test I have had an unbelievable increase in snot production). It's definitely a sinus infection, but I am adamantly against taking any meds if possible. So I am waiting for a call from my wonderful homeopath who will hopefully refer me to the magical remedy. I have great faith in her... I usually am hit with major yuckiness like this twice a year, but since beginning my treatment with my homeopath almost 2 years ago I have managed to remedy being sick like this within 2 days. (By comparison, course of antibiotics from my doctor would see me better in about 7.)

That's the news for today. I'm still compiling an interesting list of reactions to my pregnancy (some will make your jaw drop.) Also coming at some point: my 2nd OB appointment, wherein the waiting was more interesting that the appointment itself.

Come back for more! I wish you all happy days, my dear friends.

TO MY SWEETHEART

2007-09-14T08:16:00.000-04:00

Happy fourth anniversary. I love you so much, words can't even describe. It is impossible to imagine where I would be today without you.

You're the sweetest thing.

(Hey folks, you want a picture? Click to last year's post. aren't we a cute couple?)

BACK FROM AWAY, BUT NOT QUITE HERE

2007-09-09T07:11:00.000-04:00

I was on vacation. And I didn't warn you. I hope you haven't been fretting too much.

It's so true what many have you have pointed out- the longer you wait between posts the more difficult it is to get back here and write. I have had posts upon posts swirling around in my head for weeks, but I'm not really sure how to get all my thoughts out coherently. Yes! So may thoughts! I am thinking things- can you imagine?! But everything is all over the place.

I might as well start with this: I am still pregnant. Physically, all 12w3d of my baby seems to being doing just fine. On Thursday we went for out first trimester Integrated Screening tests (which included my first ultrasound not done by my RE, as well as the phenomenon of being able to remain clothed during the process.) The sonographer, who explained every detail of what's going on inside (much to my glee) pronounced everything just perfect. Of course I couldn't have hoped for better news.

So, though the baby is growing just fine physically, it doesn't seem that my psyche wants to catch up. While I am thankful for every moment of this pregnancy (there are not even words to describe), I find myself unable to feel completely blissful about it. I can't seem to be able to completely just let go of my fear and start to enjoy. It also doesn't seem quite real- kind of like this isn't happening to me. When I think of pregnant me I feel as if I step out of my body and am looking at myself from across the street. It's as though pregnant me and infertile me can't co-exist in the same body and brain. It is truly a surreal experience.

The hardest part about the surreality of the pregnancy is that other people don't seem to understand why I feel this way. And you know that I'm not talking about you, oh friends of the blogosphere! Next time I think I will post about peoples' reactions to our news to lighten things up a bit around here. (I know you will have a good laugh.) In the meantime, thanks for listening. Again, I am ever thankful for your presence and support.

PS: I'm going to shuffle my blogroll around a bit- if I have put you in a category that you don't feel comfortable residing in, please let me know.

'BOUT TIME FOR SOMTHING NEW...

2007-08-22T16:59:00.000-04:00

Is there anyone out there still reading? If so, this post is for you. And also for me, cuz it would be nice to have some account of this journey. I have so many little things to talk about. I might as well make a list, or I may never get to everything that I want to say.

1. I have not had any spotting for the last 8 days. (Make that 8 days, 2 hours and 32 minutes. But who's counting?) I see this as a big step forward. BIG. I still hesitate at each wipe, but a little less so as each day goes by. I do realize that since it I had spotting before that it may happen again. But I am getting alot better at not freaking out of late.

2. I had my first OB appointment last Wednesday. The most remarkable thing about it was that I waited for 3 hours. Apparently in these parts that's "normal". I know it's not cool, and for some it may even be cause to look elsewhere for care. I have thought long and hard about this since my positive test, and I really like my doctor, I am comfortable with the hospital in which I will give birth, and I am not so good with change. So I'll be staying with my OB/GYN, who when I initially posted about her I called Dr. Happy-go-lucky. And she is so cheerful, so I will be sticking with that name.

Other than the wait, the appointment was fine. She was thrilled to see me, pregnant and all. She did an internal exam and told me everything felt really "nice". We tried the doppler out-but no cigar. I was very surprised at how little this bothered me. (perhaps because I had just seen the baby 4 days prior, and knew that I would be seeing him again in 4 days!!) She had a good laugh at the number of u/s I've had, but was happy that it was making me feel more confident. We discussed first trimester screening, the 18-20 week scan, and I made an appointment to see he in the middle of September.

3. We went in to our clinic last Saturday for another scan (9 wks). My mom came with us- she was so excited. At first Dr. New was all- here's the heartbeat, everything looks great, you're measuring right on target, etc.. THEN he showed us the baby's little arms and legs. It was truly AMAZING. There is no other word for it!

He also pointed out a sliver of blood at the bottom of the sac. (Not a clot, but a bit of a crescent adjacent to the sac.) I asked him if there was a name for this and he said "no". But told me to continue taking it easy. Which I am. Very much so. Because while he said it's not such a cause for concern, he also told me that "I didn't want to know" what can happen if it got to be a bigger problem. Look I am no embroyonic expert but it sounds a bit to me like placenta previa from what I have read. The only problem with this is that all my reading material points to this occuring in the second trimester, and resolving by the third. So what if it is this, and it's occuring with me at 9 weeks- what does that mean?? (I KNOW, I don't want to KNOW, but i want to know, you know?) SO if you swell internets have any info for me, it would be greatly appreciated.

4. Contrary to how that last paragraph sounded, I am actully not hysterical over this. Really, I'm not. I haven't bled at all, so I am trying to think of myself as "normal".

5. Dr. New doctor smiled at the end of our last appointment and asked me if I would like to have another scan. OF COURSE I said yes! He laughed, and siad it would be his pleasure, but after that I am cut off. I'm happy he gave me a week's warning so I could get a head start on the withdrawl. I am so thankful that he has been so kind over the past weeks. And I am lucky that my RE is still willing to scan me at 10 weeks. (Though a friend was quick to point out that this really is a business that he's running, and at $75 for 10 minutes work it's bad business to say no to me!)

6. Speaking of 10 weeks. TEN WEEKS. Tomorrow. Holy shit. It's still weird to think that I can put me and pregnant in the same sentence. But here we are. As a matter of fact, over the past week or so I am seeing the following equation pop up every so often: ME + PREGNANT = CAUTIOUS EXCITEMENT. I know. Who woulda thunk it.

7. But the infertile in me is as alive as this baby. And as the bits of happiness start to creep in, I find that they are not erasing the past 2+ years of fear, worry, and doubt that my body can do what it's supposed to. I take everyday as a tiny step forward, and pray (in my way) for the best possible outcome.

TWBD

2007-08-17T10:28:00.000-04:00

I spoke with my mother earlier this morning. She had some news for me.

The World's Best Doctor had died on Tuesday. I sat in complete shock as she read me the obituary.

I know he was sick- he had to stop working. But it just seemed to happen so fast. It seems so unfair that such a wonderful person who has helped so many bring lives into this world should leave us so young. He was only 49! I also just found out (upon my visit to my OB on Wednesday) that the nurse at my clinic is TWBD's wife. I had an incling, but I never felt comfortable coming out and asking her. I am just feeling such sadness for her and their little girl.

I will always remeber him. I don't know where we would be today without him.

SPOTTING, SPOTTING 1, 2, 3

2007-08-13T12:06:00.000-04:00

I figured I wouldn't bore you all week with my neuroses. I wish I could write that I feel tons better, and that I am happily entrenched in this pregnancy, but I still can't. Hopefully soon, though.

Here is the run down of what's been going on...

I spotted every so often last week- maybe once a day. I became used to it, and though I would panic upon wiping, I realized that maybe "normal" for me was seeing traces of pinky/orange. It wasn't bright red, and my doctor seemed to think that all was ok, so I took many deep breaths and continued to move forward.

On Saturday we went in for another u/s. Everything looked perfect- great heartbeat, and measuring 8w4d. Dr. New was pleased, but advised that I still take it easy for another week, just to be sure. He also mentioned that it was time to get in touch with my OB to get in with her, although he assured me that he would see me next week for another scan if I wanted. Well, of course I wanted!

The C and I were both pretty happy (yes, I was happy!) and we got in the car and headed to Vermont to visit with my aunt (where I took it easy.) I did feel relief for most parts of the day, and even a bit of joy as we shared our u/s photos with my aunt, uncle and cousin.

And then yesterday morning I woke up, went to pee, and wiped- only to see bright red blood on the toilet paper. I wiped again- more red. And the again- and nothing. I freaked out and called The C into the bathroom (actually, I freaked out, yelled FUCK, my aunt came to the door and asked if I was alright, and then she got The C for me!) Of course he was also concerned, but he talked me down off the ledge, and I proceed with my restful day. Of course, par for the course, there was nothing the rest of the day.

All this spotting/no spotting really puts a damper on going to the bathroom. I have to work up my nerve each time. It's taking its toll, I tell ya.

Naturally, I was worried this morning during my first bathroom visit- but there was nothing. And nothing all morning... until about 10 minutes ago. Now, excuse me if this is too much information, but: I am finding that I am a trifle constipated, and I have had the need to, er, push a bit harder than usual. As I wiped, I again saw some bright red on the tp. Not as much as yesterday, but still. Now here's my question: when I thought back to yesterday, I realized that the red had occurred after the same, um, circumstance. Is it possible that my pushing can cause some bleeding??

I am trying so hard to stay level by thinking that spotting in normal in some pregnancies. Also, while the spotting has been red the past 2 days, it isn't dark red (like heavy period), nor is it clotty, nor is there ever enough to even get on my underwear. So I'm trying to think of this as a simple reality of my pregnancy, and perhaps that I am meant to deal with this instead of nausea...

I have put in a call to my clinic (I'm waiting to hear back), and I have made an OB appointment. Lucky for me I got to speak to the nice receptionist there. (For a recall of how I have been treated by the narsty receptionist, please see this post and also this one.) Receptionist M's son and daughter-in-law have 2 children conceived with the help of my non-speaking doctor, so she is very well aware of how hard I have worked to get to this point. She was very excited to hear my news, and when I expressed concern over the spotting she gave me an appointment for this Wednesday. Bless her!

I'll keep you updated, but I am really feeling that my posting has become a lot of "same shit, different day", and is perhaps boring. Thanks to you all for sticking with me, and for your support over the last weeks.

UP AND DOWN, UP AND DOWN

2007-08-05T15:50:00.001-04:00

I woke up yesterday morning in a panic.

I can't tell you what my panic was attributed to. I had tried so hard all week to remain calm, cool and collected. In my post on Friday I told you my scan was a mere two and a half days away. It seemed so close- I would definitely make it. But yesterday morning I felt nervous all over again. I waited til 9 and called my clinic. They told me to come in a few hours later.

Can I tell you how much I love my clinic? And I like Dr. New too. I wish I knew him better, and he knew me better, but beggars can't be choosers here. He's really alright.

So we did our scan and we instantly saw our little heartbeat. Relief, relief, relief. That's all I can say. Everything measure right on, and the heartbeat was strong. We even got to hear it. And more good news: the clot seemed to have left the building.

After seeing that all was ok, the doctor wanted to know what was freaking me out so much. I told him that sometimes I get waves of panic that I can't control. It doesn't help that I don't seem to have consistent symptoms, either. I feel a bit queasy on and off (but have never vomited), and my boobs, which hurt a lot in week 5, hurt much less now. He assured me, that although he does not have a crystal ball, he has no reason to think that this pregnancy won't proceed normally.

All through this The C has been supportive. I know he thinks that I'm crazy, but he tries his very best to keep me calm. We left the clinic reassured, and I enjoyed the rest of my day. I even slept well last night (perhaps better than I have in weeks), and had a fun morning. We came home from Brunch and I was exhausted, so I lay down for a couple of hours.

I woke up to go to the bathroom, and upon wiping saw some more traces of blood. This is the first bit of spotting since Monday's episode, and I know following that everything was ok. I am trying to focus my thoughts on that. Even if my clinic was open I'm not sure I would have called them. I am going to wait til tomorrow and see what's going on then.

Why can't I have more than 24 hours peace??

MOVING ALONG...

2007-08-03T17:31:00.002-04:00

I think I complained amply on Tuesday to last the entire week. So no more.

I am trying to concentrate on the good, and making an effort to stay on an even keel. Like many of you have suggested, I am breathing deeply and focusing on growing baby thoughts. I've had a restful week as my doctor recommended; I've hardly left my house at all. I'm not grumbling about that much because apparently it's sweltering hot out there. And I don't like to sweat.

The In-laws are coming this weekend and The C has promised that I won’t have to do anything. I feel a little silly taking it easy, but if I get the desired end result then I guess it’s all worth it. Also-if I don’t kick back and relax and something happens there will be a ton of self-blame happening in these here parts.

Only 2 and a half more days til the u/s. Trust me, I’m counting every second. My mantra: just have to make it to Monday to see that everything’s ok. Rinse and repeat.

The last little tidbit that I can share with you is last night’s dream. It was so vivid, I think I scared myself by waking up. I dreamt that our baby had a poopy diaper, and I asked The C to change it. What did he do? He filled our deep soak tub with water and was dipping the baby in. And then he dropped her. And he thought it was funny. I was right there and grabbed her quick, but it was too late. Then, weirdly, she began to shrink until there was nothing left of her but a spongy toy-like thing in the palm of my hand. Of course this would never happen… but where on earth did this dream come from??!!

Alright- time to wrap up here. Happy weekend to all, and you bet you’ll see me here on Monday.

SIONARA ANNONYMOUS LURKER

2007-07-31T17:42:00.000-04:00

Did y'all read the last comment of my previous post? No? I'll wait while you do, but don't forget to come back here.

Ok done?

So. I have no qualms about what I'm going to write because I know she's not going to read it. You see, it goes something like this: This is my blog, and if I want to express my anxieties over my current situation, it is my prerogative to do so. My bog, my feelings. I'm part of this community because of the support-both the giving and receiving. If anyone else has a problem with this, picture me opening my humble door wide and wishing you adieu.

Oh, you're all still here? Great. Let's get on with the show.

People of the infertile blogshere: I love you. Your words of encouragement mean so much to me. I know how hard it is for most of you to come here these days. OH LORDY ME, do I know. I have been there and have been doing that for close to two years. In some ways I feel that I am still there, and that I will forever be doing that. It is amazing to me that through all that is tough and all that is wonderful I know that you will empathize. Again and again you have shown me so much compassion and kindness. I get teary just thinking about it.

This blog will inevitably change over the next weeks and months. I do not know into what it will evolve. I just hope that it doesn't fall into the miscarriage category. What I know for sure is that these few weeks of being-deep breath-pregnant have changed me, and I will never be the same, so neither will this space.

A few things I know for sure: I will remain sarcastic and bitchy. I will not curb my swearing. It will have always taken me longer than 3 months to get pregnant, and I will never stop being annoyed with my friend's husband for saying such a stupid thing to me. Also: it is very likely that I will ever stop worrying about shit, even if everything is ok. It's just not in my nature to do so.

Right... that's where we left off last week. The freaking anxiety.

The rest of the week saw a steady increase in the stress. I barely slept, and pretty much worried at every moment that the pregnancy wasn't progressing. My clinic didn't let me change the u/s date, so I pretty much sat here counting the minutes day by day. I did have a bit of a respite this weekend as we went to Ottawa for a friend's wedding. It was good to be away from here. I thought dead baby thoughts only about half as often.

My scan was supposed to be this morning, but yesterday afternoon I had some light pink spotting when I went to the bathroom. Of course I freaked. The C came home and called the clinic as I was barely sane by that time. (Man, I love that guy!) The receptionist told to come in immediately, so off we went. By the time I was in the stirrups I thought I was going to puke from anxiety (which I now know is much different from pregnancy induced nausea.) I couldn't look at the screen (a 40" plasma mounted on the wall right at my head), I couldn't look at the doctor, I just lay there shaking holding The C's hand. I swear I did not breathe until I heard the doctor say: "you can see the heartbeat right here".

In a nutshell: at 6w4d the size is measuring right on, but the doctor was not able to get a "count" on the heartbeat. On one hand this makes me ill with nerves, on the other I have to keep reminding myself that he has not proven himself to be a very good sonographer. I can't help myself, I sit here thinking that it's a weak heartbeat and the signal of a demise.

You know, really, I'm sorry if my anxiety is offensive to you, but I there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. So again here I sit oscillating between fear and feeling that there is not much I can do at this moment anyways. It is such a fucking roller coaster.

The bleeding seems to be due to a small clot in my uterus. I haven't googled it because I don't want to know. The doctor says that because it is positioned below the embryo he isn't as concerned as he would be if it was above. He has told me to really take it easy and to rest as much as possible. I am scheduled for another u/s next Monday, but I was assured that if I felt like I needed to come in sooner that I could.

In the meantime, I just keep hoping that everything is ok.

FUN STUFF LIKE ANXIETY

2007-07-24T07:32:00.000-04:00

All my life I've been nervous about things. The first day of school, the first day of camp, and OMG, that first day when my parents dropped me off at my college dorm! It seems like every momentous occasion in my life has been filled with worry. It's no wonder that I'm feeling a huge amount of anxiety these days.

Don't get me wrong- I am excited. And once in a while the "holy shit there's something growing inside of me"-edness overtakes the anxiety. And those moments are great. But...

Then there are the times when I sit at my desk and poke and prod my boobs. I swear to myself that they are less painful feeling than the day before. And so that is cause for a freakout. I will find, that on another day, I could barely keep my my eyes from shutting while working, when the following day I run around full of energy. Surely this is freakout-worthy as well. And let's not forget that icky-gicky nausea that sometimes is felt in my stomach, and other times at the top of my throat, and of course, every day at a different time leaving me wondering if it's simply related to something that I ate that didn't agree with me. How can that not freak me out?

And so every night I evaluate all of the above, trying to decide if what's inside is still alive. I can't help myself but think about this. I go through my symptoms wondering if they are signs of anything going wrong. And I toss and turn, all the while wondering how I'm going to deal when this ends before it's supposed to. I know of course there's a chance that it won't. But there's also a chance that it may.

I know this is not an original topic that I am blogging about here. I have read the same sentiments from countless women who have been in my position after their IF struggle. So I know I'm not alone. But, although the thought of being alone gives me some comfort, I feel like all the knowledge that you guys have imparted has left me with a grave lack of naïveté about my situation. Quite simply: I know too much about what can go wrong. And, horrifyingly, I have seen it happen time and time again in our circle.

Shit, you think I'm being a little too melodramatic for 8 in the morning? Let's try to keep it real here...

I haven't gone for another beta. At this point (a week since my previous one) I'm not sure it's worth it as it will definitely show an increase in hCG, but it will be over such a long period of time it might not be worth much. (as opposed to measuring it 48 hours apart to be able to see that it's doubling in that time period.) I have my u/s scheduled for the 31st, at which point I will be 6w5d. My clinic does not like to do u/s before 6w2d, but I won't be in town then, so I had had to push it forward. I am really thinking of begging for an appointment this Friday (at 6w1d), because I don't know if I can hold it together until next Tuesday. Besides, Betabase (my new best friend) says that we should be able to see a heartbeat when hCG levels exceed 6000, and by my rough 48 hour doubling calculation I should be way past that already if everything is running smoothly.

I am really trying to stay calm and level-headed about this. I know I'm not the first person to here, and I won't be the last. But this is the first time for me, and I just can't seem to keep the anxiety at bay. The C holds my hand and tells me we will just take it minute by minute, day by day, and just think that all is well until we have an indication of otherwise. I appreciate all that, but it's not his body that will be failing him, and thus doesn't help the worry recede.

But then I stop and think that being anxious doesn't always mean a bad ending for me. That day in September 1994, when I moved into my dorm? The one that had me bawling like a baby at 19, practically begging my parents not to leave me there? The one that left me thinking: how the hell am I ever going to get through this? That's the day I met The C. And that seems to have turned out alright.

BETA TWO AND OTHER RELATED ITEMS

2007-07-18T16:03:00.000-04:00

Well, I see what one has to do to get comments around here!! Thanks you, all you wonderful folks, thank you. You kind words mean the world to me. I'm so thrilled you came by and left me a personal note. It's great to have you to celebrate with.

So yesterday I went for a second beta (19do). The receptionist and nurse at my clinic basically think I'm neurotic (umm, I wanted proff that I didn't have a dead 4 week baby in me), but they were still happy to indulge me. I asked if they would think that I'm nuts if I wanted to come in again next week, and they said yes, but they would pander to my neuroses. I'm thrilled to have them on my side. So, ya. My beta. 1445. Go ahead, give that one a spin on Betabase. The median value for multiples at 19dpo is in the 1200s. Yup, I'm above that. The C is trying to figure out how we are going to fit 2 cribs in our little bedroom. I say: Let's not count our chickens before they hatch.

I oscillate between crazy elation and ugly dead baby thoughts. As I posted in my previous post I know that looking at furniture and clothes can't kill the baby (who's really still an embryo), but I can't help but think that I'm maybe hoping a bit too much. I also know that PCOS carries a high miscarriage rate, so I can't help but think about that every 10 seconds or so. I don't think that I will stop worrying until I have a real live baby in my arms, hopefully towards the end of March.

Hey Sara, want more info? Let's see... My boobs are killing me. My nipples hurt a bit, but it's the actual boob that is in the most pain. The best way to describe it is that they feel like they are bruised. I'm a triffle worried about the boob situation. On a regular day they are huge, I can't even begin to fathom what they are going to be like soon.

I'm also feeling exhausted. I regularly like to nap in the afternoon (a perk of working from home), but in the past week my napping has gotten to be rediculous. hopefully I will get the second trimester energy spurt (should I get there). And last, yesterday a bit of nausea arrived mid-afternoon. I couldn't decide if it was the nachos that I ate for lunch (not a good choice on any day), but today I feel the same way and all I had was a turkey sandwhich. No vomiting yet, but it feels like my stomach is sitting at the top of my esophogus. (Assvice welcome here.)

I am completely new at this, and though I sound like I'm taking it all in stride I am really really scared. The only IRL people who know (other than Shlomit who read it here) are my aunt and my trainer (who I felt I had to tell for medical reasons). Today as I said the p-word to my trainer I realized it was the first time that I have said it out loud in relation to me, and it pretty much freaked me out. (She was all "Mazel Tov!" and I was all "Umm ya.")

I don't know when and how this is going to feel real. For now I'm going to concentrate getting through dinner with my granparents without spewing at the table.